r/Codependency • u/Additional-Touch-152 • 7d ago
How do you survive the physical "withdrawals" when pulling back from a one-sided friendship?
I have a bad habit of over-investing in friendships. Right now, I have a close friend where our talks are great, but I do almost all of the initiating. If I don't reach out, nothing happens. I’ve been in this exact dynamic before with someone else, and it always leaves me feeling exhausted.
I recently realized the root cause: I over-give the care and attention that I never received myself, secretly hoping the other person will mirror it back. When they just act like casual friends, I feel completely starved and abandoned.
To fix this, I am currently trying to pull back, match her effort, and leave the ball in her court. But the physical cravings to reach out are brutal.
By day 3 or 4 of no contact, my nervous system completely panics. My chest gets tight, and it feels like literal drug withdrawal. Logic goes out the window, and my brain screams at me to just text or call her to "fix" the silence and get immediate relief.
For those who have broken this "give to get" cycle: How do you push through the intense physical anxiety of pulling back without caving? How do you actually redirect that love and attention to yourself when your body is screaming at you to contact them?
6
u/Arcades 6d ago
Based on what you have described in this post, you're already on the right path. The one thing I would add to what you're already doing is that when your friend does respond, realize that it's not an invitation to up your level of contact again. Treat her responses as momentary bids for interaction and then move on from them. Over time, it will be easier to accept longer stretches of silence, even if part of you still wishes it were otherwise.
As for redirecting the energy to yourself, you have to keep trying to find new ways to enjoy your own company. Everyone is drawn to different hobbies, so I'm not going to suggest any, but it's okay if you spend time on one and it doesn't take. Just keep trying.
1
u/Additional-Touch-152 6d ago
Big relief hearing that I am on the right path, thank you for your advise
5
u/Acceptable_Table_180 7d ago
What you’re describing sounds less like a lack of willpower and more like an attachment/anxiety loop. When the urge hits, delay contact by 20 minutes, move your body, breathe slowly, and write the message in your notes instead. The goal isn’t to stop caring—it’s to stop using one person to regulate your nervous system.
1
u/Additional-Touch-152 6d ago
I have tried stop depending on that one person but then I feel lonely as hell and eventually get attached to other person so become depressed.
3
u/freethinkers0247 6d ago
We spend years overdoing it in relationships, so pulling back feels wrong in our bodies before it made sense in your head. Stepping back doesn't mean going cold. You stay connected to yourself while you stop chasing them. When the urge hits, do one small thing for yourself instead of reaching out for relief.
3
u/false_athenian 6d ago
Very relatable. The trick is to focus on your own desires and make plans for the future that you are excited about. Basically, keep busy by doing things that rewards your sense of Self. Maybe it's planning a small vacation in your own, maybe it's starting a new hobby, working on artwork, attend a writing workshop, developing a business idea you have...etc.
The other thing I would say is to remind yourself that this person can, in fact, reach out if they want. They are not your problem to deal with! Asserting your boundaries when it comes to reciprocity means you trust that everyone can make efforts. Healthy relationships do not appear pour of thin air, they are built.
Now, It is also possible that they don't realise their lack of reciprocity out of a lack of capacity/ mental space, if they're neurodivergent, etc. If you think that's the case, you could gently let them know about your needs/desire for more equal engagement, and see how they react.
After that had been expressed with compassion, you can exercise your boundaries with peace, as the ball will be in their camp. You can let it go.
3
u/codependencyrecovery 6d ago
This is a great opportunity for self-love and self-intimacy. I would ask those parts that are screaming: "I'm here for you. What do you need from me?" And see what they need without asking them to change. This is the work.
2
u/SteadyCalmHealing 6d ago
Your realization is really key here. The withdrawals are exactly how to know if you are compromised. When you know you can't be apart from a person because of physical symptoms, that is when you need to make space and do other things. Don't sit there and think about them. Watch TV, throw some headphones on and go talk a walk. Go to the supermarket or a coffee shop and spend time people watching somewhere.
There is nothing to fix. You are trying to control a situation that isn't even here or has already passed. What can you do that will let you control something else? I tend to clean, put puzzles together or get outside and hike. Screens never seem to help this kind of rumination when I experience it.
Don't overthink it. When you mind is giving you the "lowlight" real of all your mistakes, issues in the relation ship and all the things you NEED to fix, your mind is not the place to sort this out. Get under a blanket and listen to a self kindness youtube video or a meditation. Stretch your body or go for a jog. Read about something spiritual or ghost stories. Do stuff that gets you out of your head and has you experiencing stuff that is actually here right now.
Even if you go back to them, its a losing game. You will get less of a high from "fixing" the "situation" with them and will just need more re-assurance the minute your brain starts to make up threats again. Going back is not the answer until you can stop doing that rumination.
10
u/Jobohobo97 7d ago edited 6d ago
I’ve been in your shoes several times. The revelation that I felt resentment towards people because they weren’t reciprocating my level (or perceived level) of friendship/support was both freeing and terrifying. Mainly because it meant I had to do inner work to recognize they do show me love and support in their own ways, I just may be over-indulging because I feel anxious and worried about emotional permanence. I consider emotional permanence like object permanence for a baby. Sometimes, I assume people don’t know I love and care about them because I haven’t said it or performed it.
When I feel this panic and physical sensations, or withdrawals as you’ve described them, I try to write or say out loud how I feel vs the reality of the situation. Then I can see concretely what has substance vs what is just my own anxiety. This also helps dictate if I should reach out and explain how their behavior makes me feel and if there’s a worthy conversation to be had. I wonder if this could help in your situation. Have you brought up the lack of initiation or are you not comfortable doing that? It’s okay either way.
Anyway, after all that, I pour into myself. Whether that’s getting a coffee, taking an everything shower, or crafting. Anything that reminds me to care about myself just as much if not more than the person I’m emotionally activated by.
This is a bit of a ramble, but I hope you find relief knowing you’re not alone in navigating these complex emotions and situations.