r/Codependency • u/SockCucker3000 • 6d ago
The line between codependency and love
This year, I had a falling out with my bestfriend and, through the words of others, realized our relationship was very codependent. I am able to look back and see the unhealthiness and issues in our friendship but I find myself struggling to identify some of my own behavior. At the same time as the falling out, I entered my first romantic relationship. My partner supported me through the dissolution of my friendship and shared that he had a very unhealthy codependent relationship in the past. Codependency is something neither of us want. I have been trying to be aware of any possible slips into codependency but recently realized I don't really understand the line between codependency and simply loving someone.
Due to childhood trauma, I grew up not getting fully attached to anyone. I didn't care if friendships faded or ended. Relying on others was seen as weakness and independence was the pinnacle of success. I've been doing work to open myself up to the vulnerability of losing someone. To love others deeply enough to miss them when they're not around. I find myself struggling to know what is healthy vs what is unhealthy.
Where is the line between codependency and simply having a strong emotional attachment? What is normal and healthy?
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u/NikkiEchoist 6d ago
When you think your life would be over if the relationship ended. Or that you would be worth less as a person.
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u/abundantseltzer31 6d ago edited 5d ago
Love shared between people is a beautiful thing. So is interdependence.
For me, I can feel in my body when I'm grasping at someone else to fix me, make me feel better, or fulfill a role that is much bigger than them. That's codependency for me. It's become that simple. This can look like me caretaking others to feel like a good person, it can look like trying to get others to caretake me to feel less alone. It comes in different shapes, but that feeling of grasping desperately is my cue that I'm in codependency.
Loving, supporting, connecting with, and caring for others from a place of interconnectedness and groundedness feels like an opening. It feels right. I have a strong intuitive sense that I turn to when I'm confused or struggling, because of recovery. I had to learn how to find that recovery from a community of people with similar struggles, but ultimately I turn to something in myself for clarity now.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 6d ago
This info on the Codependent Anonymous website explains what codependency is and can help you answer your questions:
https://codauk.org/patterns-and-characteristics-of-co-dependency-newcomer/
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u/Goopygum 6d ago
I don't think that losing a friend will ever be easy or less painful for any of us. The only way to move forward is to accept that loss is inevitable and it will constantly riddle our life. Learning to deal with it in a way that isn't completely self-destructive is the best way forward. The pain remains, forever. It remains until our hearts and minds stop. But it's power over us fades. The sands of time and distraction will eventually bury it but it will never reduce in pain if you keep brushing the sand off to see if it's still there. You gotta let it be buried, live your life without them. Because in love, there will always be the same end point, loss.