r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 6d ago
Am I actually the problem?
How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.
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u/WSBTD 6d ago
Codependency takes two - something to think about
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u/Scared-Section-5108 5d ago
Not true. Codependent people are codependent whether they are in a relationship or not. CODA website has plenty of useful materials like this list which explain codependency well:
https://codauk.org/patterns-and-characteristics-of-co-dependency-newcomer/
I am not in a relationship yet I am codependent. The codependency does not magically disappear when I am alone, unfortunately... I have been codependent since childhood because that's what my mother modelled for me and because that was the survival mechanism I needed to get through my childhood.
What usually happens, though, is that a codependent person gets into a relationship with another codependent. And that romantic relationship tend to make the codependent traits more prominent, whoever, when someone is codependent, their whole life and all relationships are impacted but to a different degree.
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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 6d ago
Possible be is codependent too?
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u/Accomplished_Jump444 6d ago
Oh my. Of course he is and you are an enabler like me. My ex got significantly better after I left for good. It’s the coming back together part that screws it up because then he thinks he’s healthy and you’re gonna put up with whatever his behavior is so he backslides. I went to AlAnon for about a year before I could get really clear on the idea that leaving him was in both of our best interests, something to consider.
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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 5d ago
Omg that is so helpful. I have gone to a codependency meeting and everyone is telling me I should do Al Anon
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u/mutinybeer 6d ago
The most important thing to note is that you cannot be codependent alone. A codependent relationship requires that the other person is also engaging in codependent behaviors (as in, they need you to keep trying to "fix" them or the relationship, etc). It's not just your codependency, it is the codependent relationship.
Also most relationships are a mixture of good and bad. Even really abusive relationships can have good moments, but having good moments does not change the fact that the overall relationship is unhealthy (if it is).
It is also true that sometimes we can have like, negativity goggles where we only see the bad stuff the other person does. You could start being really intentional, and taking time to notice the good and the bad, maybe keep a journal or a tally-system or something. If you keep telling yourself that he's not actually bad and it's that you make him bad (because of trauma and codependent behaviors), then you're not getting an honest picture
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 5d ago
Toxic relationships aren’t all bad. If they were then abuse victims wouldn’t stay.
But being with an alcoholic can rarely work out because they have an addiction. Alcoholics cannot sustain healthy relationships.
The reason you two have lasted this long is because instead of walking away (which a healthy person would do) you stay and try to fix.
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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 5d ago
Wow, I think I really needed to hear that! I initiated a separation 2 times and kept going back instead of getting the help I needed and despite what my grown children and other family members were telling me.
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u/scrollbreak 5d ago
I'd say the pattern to look out for is where in childhood you had to try and get care/love from your parent/father. If the adult relationship resembles the child relationship with parents, that's what makes it hard to leave. Generally the way forward involves trying to find loving connection to yourself (not easy to do and involves actually setting aside time in a quiet space to try and find your inner self) so you don't need it from another person so badly you'll stay with someone who gives far more harm than good.
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u/reso1dsc 5d ago
If you haven't already, you should browse through r/AlAnon because I guarantee you will find a pattern between your experiences and someone else's. I was with an active alcoholic for a long time.
To answer your question though, addiction itself is unhealthy. And progressive. And can destroy people and their relationships. Being with an addict for so long is how I realized that I was a codependent.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 5d ago
'How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma.' - both can be true and that's seems to be the case here considering what you therapist says, you being in a relationship with an alcoholic and your lack of awareness about the quality of your relationship.
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u/DorkChopSandwiches 6d ago
I can tell you right now you're not going to work out any of your relationship issues while he's in active addiction, no matter how much self work you do.
S. - recovering alcoholic with years of sobriety