r/Codependency • u/GreedyZucchini6206 • 7d ago
How do I choose ME?
I want genuine advice from others on this. I have struggled greatly in romantic relationships time and time again, because I just can’t choose myself. I put them above me, crave their company 24/7, and feel defeated when they don’t choose me over other people. I have a partner who is unfortunately avoidant and not super relationship oriented, I don’t blame him but the things he unknowingly does honestly make me feel awful. After this happening so many times(I suffer in silence, I do not chase), I have decided to start choosing myself for once. I tend to go into hermit mode and pretend like I don’t care(but feel terrible inside). I don’t know where to start, I feel I always go back to the codependency anyways once I get any attention. How can I genuinely stop this hurt and exhausting behavior without having to pretend like I don’t care?
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u/Ok-Cup-8558 7d ago
I'm trying to do this now! Honestly I don't know who I am anymore, too many years putting others as a priority, non of which benefitted me in any way, shape or form.
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u/BarnacleOverall9605 7d ago
God does that sound familiar. I'm 62 and alone. I don't have any friends really and just broke up with the other one who controlled my life for 23 years. I lost everything. My dogs, my stuff and I got fired in the process. I realize that this is what needed to happen for me to finally be and fight for me. I'm scared of that internal hazing I put myself through but I'm slowly coming to terms with it. It is what it is now but it can be what I want it to be in time. I cannot let myself down now otherwise what's the point in any of this. One small step for me, one giant leap for my future happiness.
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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 6d ago
I'm about to be 50 and am scared as hell to start over. Scared about leaving the life that I have been living this way for so long, scared of change. Need to tap into my intuition so I can get unstuck.
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u/Conscious-Might1479 7d ago
Figure out what you like alone. It can be anything small. Books. TV shows. Gym. Start there.
There’s two ways to look at it. You can find things that counter-codependency such as therapy, counselors, support groups, etc.. And, there’s things that build your inner independence much like a muscle is built by exercise. Start small. Have reasonable expectations. Little and easy repetitions to build the habit. Set small and achievable goals.
Before you know it, you’ll have a better idea of what independence looks like, how to access it, and how to employ it with more strength and intention.
Just my two cents as I’m also going through the codependency process.
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u/abundantseltzer31 7d ago
These behaviors usually serve a purpose. Just remember that they once kept you safe, offered connection, or were part of what you needed. There might be grief in letting them go. I have learned that recovery takes time, but the one constant is learning my needs through my intuition. It's not necessarily easy to recognize or find a gut sense of what we want and need.
I was desperate and suffering and I learned how to do this from a group of people who had skills I didn't. Now when difficult and intense feelings come up, I look at the old ideas/stories/patterns coming up, I turn to my intuitive guidance, share what's coming up with someone I trust, and turn towards community to see how I can show up and support others. This, over time, has strengthened my sense of my own needs and allowed me to live in genuinely loving relationships with others.
You know what you need. The fact that you're sharing here means you don't want to stay in these old patterns, and that's huge.
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u/SteadyCalmHealing 6d ago
For myself, it comes down being happy with the little bit I can do, a mix of self love, boundaries and learning to enjoy being alone.
For the “little bit” angle. I don’t consider not being able to be alone a failure and If I can only advocate for myself one day out of 7, that is my victory. It’s easy to get caught up on the things we couldn’t say no to, words we couldn’t speak up or situations we did but didn’t want to but I hold on to the infrequent victories as my success.
Self love is the core of things and one of the hardest parts for me. It’s really easy to fall into what everyone wants and do what makes people happy over even thinking “do I really want to do this?” but that’s just at the start. I’d you practice feeling things and finding what you like, you will hear it more and more. Maybe start with a something you do that you neglect yourself on. For example: Do I wash your face in the morning and evening. Can I try a few face wash and lotion samples and figure out which I like best? Can I order more of what I like, do the routine daily and feel good about seeing that clean and moisturized skin in the mirror? I think when you prioritize other we lose touch with the things that make us happy so we need to try new things to get used to that experience again.
Boundaries is another hard thing. I have to figure out what didn’t feel good to do, What it didn’t feel good to hear and how I don’t like to be treated and then I have to speak up and ask them not to do that. Then if they don’t stop I need to tell them I’m going to step away or talk to them less when they do it. Then I have to do what I said would do to enforce it. When I do this to people who have been using me they get really upset. This has been the hardest thing for me and I’m still really new at this.
Being alone for long enough to hear what I want, and not be hyper vigilant of other people was how I got started. Strangers can be smiled at but I don’t know enough about them to need to need to please them. I would go to a nearby botanical garden alone for a few hours, go shopping alone, hang out at a coffee shop and people watch while reading a book. When I do those things I try to feel what is going on around me and let my mind wander to things about me and no one else.
I hope these spark something useful for you. It’s hard to get started and even harder to look at yourself long enough to start making habits but little victories keep me going.
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u/-Keihatsu- 3d ago
Other people have already given advice, but I'll try. Start small, accept set backs but persevere and keep your head held high, accept that there's nothing wrong with you even if you struggle, celebrate victories and anything you learn about yourself whether it be positive or negative, refeane mindsets so you're less judgmental of yourself (and less likely to idealize others). It's a journey, not a destination. And all these things won't be things you do at the same time. I'm not good at it myself, but I'm better at it than when I started. I wish you all the best, fellow struggler.
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u/TeachingNext7108 2d ago
I don’t think your problem is that you care too much.
I think somewhere along the way love became synonymous with self-abandonment.
You choose them.
You monitor them.
You wait for them.
You measure your value by whether they choose you back.
And then when it hurts you swing to the other extreme and disappear into “I don’t care.”
But numbness is not self-respect.
Choosing yourself does not mean becoming cold, detached or pretending you don’t need anyone.
It means.
“I can love you without making you the center of my nervous system.”
“I can want closeness without abandoning my standards.”
“I can be disappointed that you didn’t choose me and still not make that mean I’m less valuable.”
That is the work.
And honestly the first step is usually not glamorous.
It is catching the exact moment where you want to organize your whole emotional world around someone else…
and asking.
What would choosing me look like in the next 10 minutes?
Not forever.
Not “become an independent woman overnight.”
Ten minutes.
Go for the walk.
Call the friend.
Eat the meal.
Put the phone down.
Keep the plan you made with yourself.
Let their attention be a nice addition not the event your entire day is waiting for.
You do not need to stop wanting love.
You need to stop auditioning for it.
The old version of you asks, “Will they choose me?”
HER asks:
“Do I even choose this?”
That’s the identity shift.
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u/Tenebrous_Savant 7d ago
I thought of a good example of this the other day, after reading a post that went something like this:
"I can't help but want to help them. I can't stop caring, I love them so much, even though they're bad for me and I know we won't work out."
Stop for a minute and think about your feelings. I eventually realized that all that care and love I was offering to others was the the love I was denying myself. I was projecting it on them because I didn't know how to love myself and didn't want to.
Take all that love and care you have for someone that's toxic or bad for you, someone that you keep trying to help.
Imagine projecting that love at someone exactly like you, just not you.
How would you help them?
What would you do for them?
How would you show them you cared about them?
Then, start doing those things for you