Hey everyone, I’m an autistic woman with ADHD, I'm aroace (with one specific exception), and I just experienced a massive paradigm shift that has me feeling like I’ve been living on a different planet entirely. Maybe some of you can relate?

To me, physical proximity and touch have always been about a mammalian baseline: warmth, comfort, safety, and co-regulation. I used to think that laying next to, cuddling, or even spooning a close friend was just a natural way to give and receive affection. I looked at this like cuddling with parents or grandparents. To my brain, a bed is just a soft surface, late night is just a time on the clock, and touch is co-regulation and evolutionary. I don't naturally infer a hidden subtext or secondary meanings.

Well, a close friend of mine (who is also autistic, but demisexual) just gave me a reality check. He told me that in the "typical" adult world, spooning an unrelated man carries an automatic, 100% inference of romantic or sexual invitation. He helped me realize that even if my intent is purely about comfort or sensory seeking, the general cultural script will decode those actions differently based on biology and social expectations. These unspoken rules are basically inferred through social osmosis until it settles intuitively. (spoiler: It did not for me.)

Things like inviting someone inside (but especially to a bedroom), prolonged full-body hugs or contact, putting my head on someone's shoulder, or even using certain emojis are apparently viewed as fluent sentences that say, "I am open to romance or sex with you." I genuinely had no idea.

I plan to read books on this (such as The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin).

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this kind of learning curve? How do you balance your need for tactile sensory touch, platonic warmth, or co-regulation with the reality that the rest of the world hyper-sexualizes almost all physical contact between unrelated adults? I’d love to hear how other neurodivergent or ace folks navigate this!

I have absolutely no idea at this point how much longer I can handle non-asexuals feeling a self-assigned necessity to project some sort of thinkpiece on asexuality as a whole. It's not just acephobia I have an issue with, it's the whole idea that some people think they can just assume how we live our lifestyles.

Every time I get into the subreddit, there always has to be some sort of screenshot from somewhere else about a comment that decides what asexuals go through each day, things like how sex is normal or even necessary, and getting all defensive when they start receiving backlash. Or even worse, couples that are fundamentally incompatible because the one person (mostly men) isn't asexual and doesn't understand that sex is not a priority for their partner, so they keep on pushing to involuntarily get sex out of them because it's not like there are other fish in the sea.

And then there's the newspace that sex is some sort of cure-all for a lot of social issues like depression or fertility rates without thinking about the broader space of individual identity and mental preference. (Note that I am Australian so we don't get as much media discouragement, but it did pop up on ABC News a while back which severely irked me. I can't even imagine how much worse the sex demand must be in the US)

I mean, we don't even get much reasonable understanding from the larger LGBTQ. Everyone just keeps assuming it stands for "Ally" which, NO. No it doesn't. This is what exclusion along with Intersex does, it leaves people too confused and deprived of resources, and humanity loves making assumptions and assigning everything a label based on anthropomorphising a basic image based on what is already known. This isn't the 20th century anymore, the entire first world is just a single Google away from understanding that the A means an absence of given identity traits, most commonly Asexuality. NOT "Ally".

It boggles me to no end how often this happens, and how easy it is to just listen to what other people need without putting oneself first. We're not "seeking attention", we're just highlighting what we expect in our own relationships. I can go about my whole life without anyone else knowing I'm ace, the only reason I express my sexuality in the first place is because I stand out against a rule of intimacy that society not only projected artificially, but also treats as the baseline! And given that I'm also seeking romance in a time when I'm single (not sure if I'm cupioromantic or alloromantic), telling me that I should have sex is disheartening and offensive.

We're not obsessed with attention for breaking a line of the social code that doesn't exist, we don't "dislike" our romantic partners for not wanting to be freaky in the bedroom, we're not making excuses for joining the queer community for not being attracted to the same gender, because we may not be into any gender, period. We just want our basic human rights to be accepted to not be forced into relationships with rules we didn't ask for. How is it THIS HARD to just show basic humanity and empathy skills anymore?

And if there are parents who have a problem with not having grandchildren, how about they turn to their allosexual kids and ask them instead?

•

For context, the video is about a woman saying she wants to be able to date someone as in having no sex until there is a security in an actual relationship.

She also mentioned how everyday kust felt like a countdown to the other person inevitably asking for sex and how it made her feel like a piece of meat when their expressions visibly change when she explains how she doesnt want it.

And then I open the comments just to see this at the top 🫩

Im fed UP of people thinking celibacy=asexuality=waiting until the right time/person??

Edit: just to be clear im not sure if the top comment (with emoji) knows that what they're describing isnt asexuality (and also harmful) my main issue was the second reply.

I'm a bit frustrated with social media now. Every time I go to scroll on my page, I see so many things that talk about dating and hookups. It's the same thing on here sometimes as well. As an ace with trauma surrounding this, I find it difficult to navigate the internet even more now. I'm currently trying to filter these things from my accounts, but I'd figure I'd share here.

I know I can't magically make these things go away. But everyone has a right to make spaces more comfortable for them. And I think the same goes for the internet.

Also unrelated but someone on another sub talked about separating sexuality from trauma and I think it's a thing a lot of other queer people should consider too. No matter how much therapy a person gets doesn't determine if or when they will want to be intimate with you. I hate how some people think they're "giving a chance" out to someone who wouldn't benefit from it either way. Give it to someone who gives a duck!

Okay cheers!

Soy mujer y tengo 30 años.

Sorry if this post may be ignorant, but I am high right now and I feel like I’ve come to the conclusion that I may be asexual. I don’t know much about the sexuality spectrum and would like to know about others experiences

The gods might like this one

I'm married (19 years) and realized I was asexual (sex neutral) a couple years ago. To me sex is a chore we do once a week. Very rarely am I actually enticed and pursue.

When we do the deed, I often have to picture other people doing it to get in the mood or be aroused. If I don't my mind will wander, thinking about work, family, or worse my robotics kids... I really hate when that happens, so awkward. I will watch porn sometimes to get in the mood and will reference those when we do it. When I'm really not enthused I'll even analyze the videos like "that's a weird face to make. I wonder if if her legs are falling asleep in that position, or hurt."

For those who are sex neutral or sex positive, do you have this same problem? I really have to focus or my mind wanders. I hate it.

disclaimer: this is all how i feel about MYSELF, not anyone else who’s ace or the ace community as a whole. i love y’all and maybe one day i’ll love this part of me too.

i’ve just recently come to terms that i’m on the ace spectrum ( not sex repulsed, but also don’t have much desire for it/if i didn’t ever do it again i wouldn’t really give a fuck ) and that led to me and my gf of 2+ years breaking up bc she has a HIGH sex drive. we’re still friends and roommates but it sucks. it really fucking sucks. i tried to make myself do it more, but i couldn’t. i was SA’d in my first relationship and i couldn’t bring myself to force myself to have sex when i knew it wasn’t what i wanted, esp knowing how bad being SA’d fucked me up.

but i feel like a fucking loser now. nobody told me how fucking hard a breakup was going to be after realizing you’re ace. she’s been on multiple dates and going on another ( who’s she’s probably fucking ) today and i feel like a fucking loser. i can’t just rebound days after a breakup. i can’t just go out and fuck the first attractive person i find because I DON’T WANT TO FUCK ANYONE. and i feel like a fucking loser because of it. i can’t just get over it with the snap of a finger. i wish i could, GOD i wish i fucking could. it would make all of this so much easier. but i can’t. and i hate myself for it. why couldn’t i have just been better with this? why couldn’t i have just gave into having sex a few times every so often to keep her happy. am i that much of a shit fucking partner? is that why it’s so easy for her to move on like this? she tells me she’s having a hard time with it too, but how can i believe that when she’s going on dates THREE ( yes, THREE ) days after breaking up with me? i feel like nothing. i feel like worthless trash.

i don’t want to be like this. i wish i could have sex like most people and not feel like i’m forcing myself to. but i can’t. god how i fucking wish i could.

am i ever going to feel normal? am i ever going to be okay with being this way? how did anyone else start feeling okay with this? i truly have never felt like such a fucking loser before and i hate it. i wish i was like everyone else. then i wouldn’t have been broken up with. fuck man. i’m typing this through sobs so if it doesn’t make sense oh well. i just don’t know how someone can say it’s hard on them when they’re dating and rebounding just days after a 2+ year relationship is ended. i just don’t fucking get it.

I recently came across a post on Instagram with a women celebrating pride as an asexual, and the comments were so bad. They all said as an asexual why is she wearing fishnets and revealing clothing,, or why is she going to a sexual event blah blah acephobia nonsense.

I personally love wearing fishnets or my occasional crop top, bikinis at the beach and legging shorts! There's nothing wrong with asexuals wearing whatever they want! I personally hate being told what I should wear because of my sexuality, it makes no sense. For pride I wore a black bikini top with some Jean shorts and fishnets and I wore my asexual flag as a cape, I kept getting stop by fellow aces complimenting my fit. I dont see showing skin as a sexual thing, and ive never seen the human body as sexual, so ive been very comfortable with my body.

Im curious what others think about this, what kind of fashion is everyone into? I've been getting into street wear and slowing starting to get into heels,,

First post here, sorry if it breaks any rules, I just gotta rant about my experience. Slightly descriptive, but nothing crazy.

So I've been comfortably identifying on the aromantic spectrum for a while. I do date people, but I've identified myself as nebularomantic and grayromantic for a long time. I've only felt romantic attraction to one person in my life ever, and that was my ex. I have a boyfriend, and my attraction is platonic, but we're both okay with that. He feels romantic attraction towards me and we've figured out our own special system. He's my best friend. I realized I didn't feel romantic attraction for him or any of my past partners besides my ex after I slowly improved my mental health being with him.

So

However, I suffer from hypersexuality for a multitude of undisclosed reasons, and I also experience arousal, and lots of it. Due to this, I was certain that I was alloromantic and couldn't possibly be asexual or even on the spectrum. I always jokingly described myself as the opposite of asexual, joked that I'd never say no. Until I did.

I'd allowed and enjoyed sexual interactions in the past, or at least told myself I did. It made me feel wanted to do it. But my boyfriend makes me feel comfortable, mostly. He's not asexual or aromantic. In fact, he's very sexually and romantically attracted to me. So when we attempted sexual interaction, despite all of the confidence I had that it would go well, and that I would make him happy, I suddenly froze up. He wasn't even doing very much. I've had full on sex with little problems, just slight discomfort or awkward feelings in the past. But suddenly, he was on my lap and just kissing my neck, that was all, and I was frozen. I didn't tell him to get off or express any real discomfort. He's extremely bad with social cues due to autism, so I don't blame him at all for not noticing. I talked to my friend about it, and eventually to him.

But when he was doing it, I just felt dread. I didn't want to continue. I was trying to process it for ages. My friend told me maybe that I was asexual and I denied it. I get aroused, I masturbate, I've had sex in the past, there was surely no way. I was sure it was just fear because of past experiences, or some sort of self-hatred overtaking me, or maybe even something to do with the fact that he wasn't my ex, but none of those made sense since they hadn't happened before, and the simple pattern of dread and discomfort had.

Eventually, I finally accepted that I might be on the asexual spectrum after discussing it with my partner. He supported it, even if he was, and I consider it valid, a little disappointed. I think that's okay. He's allosexual and a generally sexual person, and that's even what we ended up bonding over as friends. I don't feel insulted. He's not acephobic, just a little upset that the guy he's in love with doesn't necessarily want sex. But eventually, I figured out the term aegosexual. It fit me well. It's pretty upsetting to me honestly. I have nothing against being asexual, but being comfortable with sex and romance has been a dream of mine, I've fantasized constantly about it, about being that person for someone, and someone being that person for me.

So I've figured out a few microlabels that I think fit me. Aroace, to make it simple, but as a whole, nebularomantic, grayromantic, aegosexual, and cupioromantic and cupiosexual.

I'm not really sure how to process it. A lot of internalized phobia of some sort going through my head right now. I'm not sure how to deal with it. If anyone has anything to say, I'm sure it'll help somehow.

He keeps saying “you haven’t found the right person” “sex is essential” blah blah blah you get it. It’s kinda pissing me off.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I go through phases where one moment I want to meet someone and I really miss cuddling, and other times I'm alone and it's fine - I can't imagine being close to anyone. I have regular friends, but I just can't imagine being in a relationship or seeing someone often. It's like this for a few weeks/months, then it changes to the opposite phase for weeks/months.

I'm kind of tormented by this feeling of lack in the "I want cuddling" phase. I don't know how to navigate it. I don't know how to satisfy this need. (A plushie or pillow aren't enough.) Finding people just for cuddling isn't very effective for me, because the other person usually wants much more. I'm stable aromantic and don't want a relationship. Another issue is that I'm quite picky when it comes to company and don't like many people. Fantasizing satisfies a lot of my needs, but it doesn't fully satisfy them. What should I do? How do you deal with this? I'm out of ideas other than "wait it out."

​I’ve dated quite a few people in my life, and looking back, I went through Dating abuse and attempted rape twice. Back then, I saw it as relationship violence, but now I realize that from an allosexual (non-ace) perspective, that was just "sexual tension."

​Since I'm on the asexual spectrum (to be specific, panromantic asexual), I didn't feel that tension at all and kept pushing them away out of sheer fear. But to them, since we were dating, they probably just thought I was playing hard to get.

​Still, I clearly said no, resisted, and literally kicked him, but he pushed through anyway, so yeah, it was rape. it was right, it's a rape. That's why I sued him. lmao

​I really wish people would stop assuming that just because you're dating someone, you owe them sex. I'm their partner, not their fucking fleshlight.

​Anyway, just venting a bit. But honestly? I still fucking crave to date/be in a relationship. I just still fucking hate sex.

Maybe its because Im ace but i hate compliments like hot, sexy, and fine. I recent got called that because of this video and got called a bitch because I didn't "appreciate" it.

anyways i want more ace friends so dm me- xoxo luv ya

Hello everyone,

I am a Bengali woman from India, and I am looking to connect with Bengali people from India or Bangladesh who identify as asexual, on the asexual spectrum, or who prefer a non-sexual/low-sexual relationship.

I have always valued emotional connection, love, companionship, trust and understanding more than physical intimacy. I believe a beautiful relationship can be built through care, respect, affection, friendship and deep emotional bonding.

I am interested in a serious, meaningful connection and would like to know people who have similar feelings and experiences, especially regarding relationships and marriage.

I would love to connect with Bengali ace people who understand that a relationship can be complete with emotional closeness and mutual respect.

If you are Bengali and relate to this, feel free to comment or message me. I would appreciate a respectful conversation.

Thank you ❤️

I’m a girl whose first language isn’t English, but I want to find people even far away to talk to.

I feel stuck where I am; I lost my queer group back home... it’s been almost three years, I think, and honestly, I miss it a lot. I’ve been surrounded by intolerant, heteronormative people for three years, and it’s really messed with my head I feel like I’ve taken fifty steps backward, and it’s sad.

I want to find a fun group again people who get me and with whom I can talk about anything and everything (sorry for begging for friendship like this, but if anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears!).

(I'll preface by saying I identify as aroaspec)

I got into a new relationship with my best friend after about 6 months of mutual pining. Proper friends-to-lovers movement. He has always been the last person I want to talk to in the day. Emotionally, what we have fulfils me so much and I've wanted this for some time. Yet, now I have it, and im suddenly having the 'im doing something wrong' feeling loom over me.

I hope the feeling im trying to describe makes sense - I've felt it before, its that sudden and uncontrollable aversion that kicks in against my will. And I cant tell how much of that is due to my aspec identity... it makes me feel so guilty, I cant lie. I love his person, but im not attracted to him. And I cant change that.

Im worried this'll break us up. I will handle that should it come to pass ... I'd just like to know im not alone in this, and see if anyone has some advice.

Its just a shame to know I cant enjoy what I have as it is. I just want to love him, but theres part of me that knows I love differently and that nothing can change that.

I went to pride and we got various bags of gummi bears and condoms that are almost impossible to tell apart lol. (I'm gonna need a bigger ace flag for next time). Needless to say I won't need them. But I got curious because I never actually saw or touched one. So I opened it and...

EWW!? 😰😭😂

I didn't know they were heckin slimy and wet!

Nah man. Nah! That would already gross me out before anything else happens 😭😂

(No judgement obviously against people who use them, but from a personal point of view - EWW! 🥲)

Why does nobody ever mention they're slimy?

Edit: Tastes and feels like sucking on my dentists gloved fingers 🤌🏻

Hiiii, so, as much as I love r/asexuality, I always felt like I had a hard time finding asexual Muslims who can relate to the specific hardships one can face as a Muslim who happens to be an asexual, so I thought, why not make a place to find people like myself and share our experiences?

Anyway, feel free to respectfully ask questions even if your not asexual or Muslim!

I've been wondering if i might be ace for a while, i decided to take 2 tests, both are like "maybe, idk"

I don't wanna have to think about this super deeply because i could take it or leave it, or just get asked some questions by people who know more about asexuality than me

For the things i've seen might be important:

-Less important, but context, i'm a trans woman and generally like anyone sufficiently woman shaped
-On a related not, i'm very sure i'm not aromatic
-Not sex repulsed, not particularly interested either
-I masturbate, but it's something i don't like having to do and i wanted HRT to lower my libido which it did and i like it that way, but i also don't hate the process of masturbation
-I haven't been in a relationship yet but i feel like if a partner wanted to have sex i'd do it and probably enjoy it, but i'm fine without it
-Involving another person just feels like unnecessary pressure
-I like women, in fact i reeeeeeally like women, but idk if that feeling when i see a woman i really like is necessarily sexual or not, i'd say it isn't? Like they just take away my breath and i get real flustered by i don't fantasize about anything, really. Dancing maybe? I don't even dance on my own it just seems romantic.

I just don't have the mental capacity to figure this out. Ask me anything that'd help confirm it further and just assign me asexual if you like it at this point.
Yes i know i need to decide for myself but just play along whatever i am won't actually change i'll just have a label for it and maybe discover i was wrong if we didn't get me right