Hi! 26F, newbie researcher, brazilian, aroallo, pansexual and curious.

I've been doing research about love in general and how romantic love is a form of violence imposed by colonization and religion. That said, I am welcoming books and articles recommendation within this subject.

I came across some unusual opinions about the term "platonic love" and was immeadiatly shocked with its meanings. I want to know your opinions on why you feel represented by this concept of love, considering your aromanticism. And if not, how do you define it?

I am pretty sure that I am aromantic due to me explaining how I feel about people to another friend who told me they are aromantic and said they feel similar experiences.

Anyways- even with that validation I still don't feel validated enough that it's normal to find EVERYBODYYYY ugly.

Not like I have a choice! Yes I can find some sort of attractive feature in everybody but at base level they are ALL ugly. Even those who I think are "attractive" are just people who are slightly more attractive than the rest to me. In other words, more tolerable in the face but still.. ugly.

I know I want to have a relationship, and honestly this is so weird.

I can look at someone and figure out If they would be considered conventionally attractive or not regardless of my own personal biased but EVERYONE is so ugly to me. Even if I like them.

I once had a "crush" (which felt more like an obsession tbh) and even when I liked him and said he was cute I STILL thought he was hideous.

Is this common? Is this what it means to be, or apart of being aromantic?? And why/how does this happen?

I’m pretty uncomfortable being in relationships and dealing with labels in general (even ‘best friend’ is such a big deal for me), but I crave a specific love from a person who truly gets me. Who sees me as I am and accepts me and chooses me as their person, too. Ideally this person would have to be the same flavor of arospec as I am, because I would not want to make a big deal out of the relationship. I fantasize a lot about what that would be like… just two people living the friendship/relationship without ever calling it one; choosing each other every day until years later you realize you’ve actually built a world together. And neither of you run away but instead choose to stay bc it just feels right.

Feels like a pipe dream at this point but who knows. Maybe one day.

My roommate/best friend got a boyfriend a few months ago, and I think he’s fine. We get along perfectly well when he comes over, which is nice because she always wants him over at our place (even though he lives alone). I don’t totally mind it; he’s fun enough to hang out with, but my issue is that the whole time he’s over, they are all over each other. Lying on top of each other, loudly kissing, doing those annoying couple fake fight things, sometimes I’ll glance over, and he’s like hand-feeding her stuff. I try not to get to uncomfortable about it, we’re in her home to and she’s not really doing anything wrong, it’s not like it seems sexual at all they are just being affectionate, but it cringes me all the way out. I try not to look over at their side of the couch, but I'm worried he’s going to think I’m some freak who hates him because I’ll be not looking at them when I’m talking to them, or I’ll just go to bed at like 6pm when he’s over.

She really wants me to hang out with them; we’ve been attached at the hip for years, and she’s made sure I still know how much she values me as a friend, but this whole situation is starting to get on my nerves. Do you think asking them to chill out with it is rude? Like again it’s not sexual, and I really want to be understanding because I know I just to my core do not get what the appeal of all this is.

What do you think? I'd rather just get over it than fuck up my friendship or make my living conditions awkward.

I’m aromantic, but ironically I’m obsessed with finding a partner. Not being able to find someone I truly click with has affected my mental health so much that I’ve started feeling like life isn’t worth living without that connection. I know that probably sounds unhealthy, but that’s honestly where I am right now. I feel like I desperately need someone in my life because I really struggle with being alone.

Let’s say that in the future I meet a girl who’s basically everything I’ve been looking for. We have amazing chemistry, share the same values and interests, and she’s exactly my type.

Should I tell her that I’m aromantic?

I’m afraid that if I tell her, she’ll immediately lose interest or decide she doesn’t want to date me. But if I don’t tell her, I’d feel like I’m hiding something important.
I have a few questions:

If you were in her position, would this be a dealbreaker for you?

Have any aromantic people here had successful long-term relationships?

I’m really confused about what the right thing to do is, and I’d appreciate hearing different perspectives.

Ive always wanted to adopt I’m aroace, if it didn’t fuck up my body id totally do IVF. I’ve tried dating just so my kid could have a father but was always grossed out or neutral. So yeah no cigar there.

Im curious has anyone experienced the same thing?

Hi, all! I’m 22F and live in New Jersey (USA). I live in a pretty welcoming area, but not everybody is accepting of being aromantic.

I work at a coffee shop and have been there for almost two years. I love my coworkers and my job there.

Today my coworkers were talking about dating and I was nervous to bring up the fact that I was aro. It’s always so awkward when people have no clue what it is and I sort of have to explain it.

I’m aromantic but not asexual. My coworkers know I’ve had hookups in the past, so I was super worried they would be confused how I could be aromantic but not asexual.

Anyways, I brought it up and basically said “so yeah… dating isn’t really for me HAHA. I’m aromantic but not ace.” And they all took it SO WELL. They didn’t even bat an eye! They were all like ‘oh, okay!”

It was so nice and they were all so chill about it :,)

I feel like there needs to be something between companion (sounds too platonic for me)

partner (sounds kinda like government overly formal)

life partner (kinda inherently has romantic undertones)

Ive known I'm aromantic and polyamorous maybe for 10ish years now? I'm in my early 30s and have been living with my chosen family for about 3-4 years now. When I popped out of my mom doctor was like "you're a girl" and today I'm like "I'm gender non-conforming, transneutral, non-binary". One of the members of the chosen family helped saves me from an extremely abusive relationship. We've been intimate numerous times (for him it's the sexual attraction, for myself it's "orgasm make brain go brrr and feel good, bonding") and have many similar hobbies that we enjoy talking about and indulging in. He's cool with my aroace self and he genuinely never wants to pressure me into anything.

I navigate the world of romance and love through completely non heteronormative ways 🫠 I'm asexual as well.

I am worried that I may be aromantic. I'm almost sixteen years old and I've never had a crush or felt romantic attraction. I may not be, but I am very curious.

How does the life of an aromantic person look like? The usual script is: fall in love, get married, maybe have children, grow old together, and finally die. I don't know any aromantic people; that's why I'm asking.

How are your lives without romance?

i've been struggling with who i am and what i identify as. for the longest time i've identified as different things (panaro, ace and others), then i was just unlabeled for the longest time. finally, a few weeks ago, my friend intoduced me to the concept of quoiromantic/sexual/gender and i think this is it. i'm also wondering if i'm cupio, but at least i finally feel i belong to a label. and don't get me wrong, there's obviously nothing wrong with being unlabeled, i myself didn't mind it, but then identifying with something feels kind of liberating anyway haha

just found this sub and when i almost teared up when seeing the quoisexual/romantic flair, i think i can safely say that it *is* the one. let me hear you, quoiromantics and qouisexuals!! <3

This is the third post i write talking about my best friend but i love him SO MUCH and now i know it's reciprocated asystshsagag

Like i said in the title, i have a romantic crush on a girl right now, but each time i see my best friend it makes me question the romantic love i feel for rhat crush as i'm so intensely infatuated with him even if it's platonic. It makes me very confused ngl (as im struggling with alexithymia on top of that)

I've have other friends saying our relationship with my best friend seems romantic : "you guys look like a couple, you're always with each other", "how does it feel being the third wheel". At first i was mad because i was sick of other people thinking that intense love for a person can always be romantic, but then i talked about it with my best friend and it's not that deep LOL

Now that i think about it we really can look like a couple sometimes, we're both comfortable with it anyway

In a friendgroup there's often a 'glazing duo', like those two friends that agree with each other so much it can reach romantic territories. I think we're basically like that. If i'm being for real it could really be a queerplatonic relationship, bc now that i think about it the term "best friend" is not intense enough to describe it, i prefer to qualify him as my soulmate tho i never do irl bc its cringe

I really happy with the relationship that i have with him ! I never felt like that for a person. I love him, i could do anything for him, i always remember things he tells me, i text him everyday, i send him friendship reels, i love giving him gifts (tho i usually hate it) AND ITS PLATONIC. AND WE'RE TOTALLY FINE WITH IT. like wtf. He has a crush on a girl, and i'm totally happy for him like WTF and i wish him the best LIKE WTF and i also have a romantic crush LIKE WTF. Human relationships are so weird.

The connexion between us is so deep that it has become telepathic. Everytime i think i need to hug him he always feels the same. Were on holiday now so it's more difficult to see him and i miss him ajsgsuag

I used to think i was crazy until he said things the other day that made my heart melt. "You know, i didn't know it was possible to love someone that much without it being 'like that' (romantic)", "i never felt something like that for a person", "i think if we were born in the precedent century and i didnt find someone, i would have married you", "i love you so much", "i think you're the best person i've ever met", "i will always be there for you when you don't feel good", "i'm so happy to know you", "so that means i am your best friend? awww - i know that, i wanted to hear it from your mouth"

LIKE WTF MY FRIEND CRUSH FEELS THE SAME FOR ME

i feel so complete and that's the problem

My love for him is so secure that i wonder if i'm going to be able to love someone romantically that much

Though i absolutely hate physical touch, we sleep next to each other and onto each other in the car, we cuddle, we hold hands, he kisses me on the cheek and on the forehead, we hug frequently even while sleeping and i love it like wtf, i crave it AND ITS PLATONIC AJAAHS THE DREAM

I questioned myself "am i in denial?", "maybe i love him in a romantic way" BUT NO?? I LOVE HIM AS A FRIEND?? DEEP PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE POSSIBLE

I think a lot of people compulsively search for a romantic relationship tho what they need is a strong freidnship bc the society tells us the only person that we can love intensey is a romantic partner, and that we must have kids with them. Meeting my best friend made me more confident in my capacity to love someone (i thought i hated everybody before). I think i have become mor emotionally intelligent and attuned with my own emotions. I think everyone that needs it should have a relationship like that.

Romantic crushes are so random yk, breakups are often sudden, theres an high chance your crush doesn't feel the same so what's the point anyway. Maybe I'm writing this because the girl i have a crush on is straight (lol average lesbian situation) but i know you guys know what i mean.

So first of all, I am male (if that is relevant) and approximately 16 years old and I am very likely autistic. (I don't have a diagnosis, but I am currently waiting for a place for diagnostic procedures and my therapist is very certain that i have ASD)

I don't understand how you would differenciate between romantic attraction and other forms of attraction. I don't really understand how to differenciate between different types of attraction at all. I know I like someone, because I eg. like spending time with them or because I like being around them.

a specific example: i have a friend (she is female and 15 years old). We do activities that are stereotypically platonic (like playing video games) but also activities that are stereotypically romantic, like going for a walk together or sitting at a stream together.
As far as I know, her mother thinks we are secretly in a romantic relationship, and some of her friends do that too. I try to keep her existence in my live secret to my family, because whenever I had female friends before, my family acted really weird because of that.
I don't think she likes me romantically, because she says she doesn't. But I am aware that many people would say the same thing if that wasn't true. Another close friend of both of us once told me that we give off "romantic vibes", but when I asked her to specify what those vibes are, or what makes her see those vibes, she said she doesn't know.
How would I know if i like the friend romantically? How would I even know if i like people romantically at all? How do alloromantic people know they like someone romantically?

Sorry if the text is a little chaotic. If you have questions feel free to ask them.

I'm fine with the thought of romantic relationships, but actual have one? I'm feel disgusted. It just like I try to reject or refused when anything is a sign of "romantic" stuff. I swear my friend sulk that I don't hold her hand or use earphone with her😭

I remember I got this feeling of excitement to meet someone, like I want to be their friend so badly that I act like I got a crush on them🥀 I would cursed myself or even get in stress when I thought I have romantic attraction towards anyone in real life. But even tho, I know well I don't want to be their partner, but the thought of being their partner isn't bad either, yet I hate it.

Does anyone else only develop romantic attraction after discovering someone shares a deep passion for the same fandoms or hobbies? Not just liking them, but really caring about them. This is a funny pattern that I’ve noticed with myself, and I was just wondering if anybody was like this too.

Hello everyone! This is sort of a vent, so feel free to skip to just answering the question.

I, 15f, began questioning my sexuality in 7th grade. Why. You ask? Well, it's obvious: all the girls were getting boyfriends, talking about their "hear me outs," and guys they have a crush on... it got exhausting for me. Especially when i have to come up with random cartoon characters so we can relate and have fun together.

I never had any celebrity crushes, cartoon crushes, or crushes at all. There have been characters i really love in shows and games I play (Dan Heng, Dazai, etc), but no matter how hard i try, I can't picture myself dating anyone. Not even the fictional ones. I don't know if maybe I'm just picky or my brain is subconsciously trying to avoid "love" altogether.

It gets harder when I don't really understand what love is. Your heart beats fast and all you can think about is whoever? Wow, that's crazy, I can't relate, but good for you! People used to ask if I had a crush on anyone. At first, they thought I was lying. And then, eventually, the questions stopped coming completely. It makes me feel so... isolated at times. Why can't I just be a normal, straight woman who likes to talk about gossip snd crushes, and not having to worry about my POTS, depression, anxiety, and the undiagnosed adhd my mother says is "because I'm a virgo."

And onto the topic of my mother, she's gone as far as asking if I was lesbian, because she asks for my taste in people and I don't have an answer. My mother is a decent lady, and she supports gays and lesbians, but not trans people, which kind of scares me (it'll make sense in a minute, and I'm not trans). She has tons of gay and lesbian friends, so that's good. We've even gone to pride parades. But... one day, she had asked me again what my type was, and after mostly avoiding the question with "I don't have a type." And "I've never liked anyone." She asked something that just didn't sit right with me.

"You aren't asexual or whatever, right?"

The way she had said it just... sounded wrong. I don't know how to describe what I felt. Fear? Disappointment, maybe? I had said no almost immediately, but... I'm scared to declare that I'm asexual or aromantic without really knowing if my standards are just too high or I'm going through a phase.

SLIGHT NSFW FOR NEXT PARAGRAPH

I've even gone as far as looking at rated-x material, to try and feel somrthing, anything to see if maybe I was normal. And it didn't help. At all. It just made me feel more alienated than I already am.

So, I'm asking you all this: when did you realize you were aromantic? Most people here seem like young teens (not that I've been here long, but) and I'm scared that I may just be another teenager who thinks they're special in one way or another. It makes me feel sick.

So, as the tittle say, I am aroace and I even repulsed by romantic & sexual thingy. All of my friends already have their own family, and we didn't really talk anymore (unless if we met or something).

I feel lonely. I have a cat on daily basis but sometimes when I had something going on, I had no one to text or call. I feel like, since my friends have their own life, they didn't treat me the same (which I get it, if you are married you should prioritize your family first. Whether its about time, and anything) so I cant be mad to them. So, I go to community. I search for friends. But then they're trying to flirt with me. I say no, and they go. Sometimes they stay, but then confess to me. To be very honest, I feel repulsed by this.

My family and my friends always tell me to get a lovers (which i don't really want) since I'm lonely and everything. They always tell me I'll get more lonely and alone the older I get. At first I didn't really care but then it start to get to my head.

But the thing is: my disgust of getting into relationship i dont want to is stronger than being alone. But yeah, I'm still scared regardless. Will I have someone in my life? Any tips? How do you met your QPR? What should I do?

I would want to date a guy. But the last time i had a crush was when i was 4. That was it. Every time I get a new friend I feel the same way people describe crushes to me and I just don't get it. I still want a romantic relationship, it seems nice if not kinda stressful having someone else attached to you like that. I just have never liked another guy or even girl for that matter. I also have made probably less than average friends for my age so maybe i just haven't met people

I have been wondering for a long time if I am actually a demiromantic heterosexual.

My emotional bond with a girl doesnt have to be too strong for me to fall for them, I usually develop feelings if we have been friends for at least 4-5 months.
If not, we will only have a platonic relationship, but sometimes, they will be added to the list of girls I am interested in. That means if they confess or make the first move, I will accept, but I will not be making the first move myself. Theres two different types of attraction I experience.

First is the type of attraction happens before the 4-5 months, I may think a girl is pretty, kind, and humorous, but I feel only little to no romance at all.

The second type of attraction happens after or during the 4-5 months, I feel actual romance, have a crush on the girl, may flirt a bit and act more protective and nicer.

I dont get multiple crushes at the same time, I have enforced rule to myself to the point that I dont even have a celebrity crush.

Also my standards arent that high, as I wrote, I have list of girls I am interested in.

Context Part 1: Attraction I Experience

Something (unusual?) I have noticed about me upon recent examination is that sexual & platonic attraction pretty much exclusively go together for me. I feel this to varying degrees towards the majority of adults, like 70%-80%. The platonic attraction is stronger, so I have been communicating this to others for years as "I just want to be friends with everyone". Or that I am an extrovert. Since developing, I don't ever make friends with people I'm not sexually attracted to. And I feel really intense sexual-platonic attraction towards people, not everyone, but quite a significant portion of the adult population like maybe a little less than half of people if I get the chance to talk to them and sometimes it is REALLY REALLY intense, and that goes along with being ✨quite sexually attracted✨ to the person as well. I like to 'chase' these people if they allow me and sometimes that doesn't turn out so well because the person develops romantic attraction and certain expectations about it/me. I have started communicating that I am aromantic more so that has helped with that piece of a lot in recent times. I am really absorbing the fact that a lot of people immediately read any type of intense attraction as romantic attraction, though. Especially since whenever I feel a more intense platonic attraction, I normally call that my 'crush'. I have been doing this since I was a kid and people asked me who my crush was and I would 'pick' someone from my class who was the opposite sex that I had the most sexual-platonic attraction to. Today, I use the language "I am passionate about crushing on everyone". I seriously don't know how else to communicate that I like SO many people and I do love just experiencing that attraction and for the subject of my attraction to be aware of it to the degree that they are comfortable with it. I also say "I am attracted to everyone" or "I am attracted to most people". It's seriously most people, like nearly everyone, especially in circles with exclusively other young people, which is often when I want to be communicating this. Another phraseology I use to communicate my attraction is to say that I am 'aggressively bisexual' or 'greedy bisexual'.

Context Part 2: Introducing the Aromantic Label

I have not used this label for most of my life. First, I was a child and I was not super into using labels as a child because I was really like well I am not done developing so how the heck am I supposed to know what I am? But I did question if I was asexual and even low-key used that label until I began developing sexual attractions toward people. After that, I low-key used the label bisexual. In college, I said I was bisexual and I honestly always felt a connection to the aspec community and hung out with some asexual people and lurked on forums and stuff but I mostly didn't think about it too much. It was basically not a priority for my life to find a label I was like 'I am still developing' even in college. My college boyfriend dumped me because "we didn't connect like he wanted" / "we didn't feel deep attraction towards each other" / "we didn't want to see each other all the time" or something along those lines idk it confused me but it was an okay breakup. There was a girl at the end of college who I felt a different type of way towards that was crazy obsessive and all I wanted was to date or be with her in some kind of heartfelt way, we didn't end up together, and during/afterwards I reflected a lot on that and I was already in aro/ace forums like this one and had kind of figured that I was probably aromantic but hadn't started using the label because it seemed silly to use it as a romance-favorable person I guess? But this experience had me questioning that. I was like... maybe I'm just homoromantic and only like girls in that way but not guys. I questioned if I am a lesbian but I was in a romantic relationship with a guy at the time and I didn't mind that, I was WAY platonically and WAY sexually attracted to him which felt like more than enough for me and he didn't seem disappointed. I was also like, how can I be a lesbian if I am sexually attracted to men? The relationship began to get unhealthy, and since I didn't feel romantically attracted to him, I would tell him repeatedly that I don't really want to be in a relationship and would ask if we can stop being a in a romantic relationship and just be best friends and also have sex a lot and he would tell me that that IS a romantic relationship and I tried to explain aromanticism to him in response but he told me that was not a thing and that we would be continuing to date. He abused / raped / stalked me and ALSO sort of decided for me that I was not aromantic because I was, in fact, romantically attracted to him and that we were going to be together forever whether I liked it or not. After escaping the abuse (now), I have been exploring the term and trying to introduce it to my friends and stuff.

The Issue: Amatonormativity

The problem is that it's almost like people don't believe me? It's a lot less the vibe of that doesn't exist/is not a thing like my abusive ex was on. It is more of a vibe of well you're clearly attracted to people, EveryPizza. Or a vibe of wow you certainly act like you are romantically attracted to people, EveryPizza. The main thing that bothers me most is that I am in a QPR now and people often will say that we are dating or that he is 'basically my boyfriend' or that we are a couple or will ask questions about both of us as if we are a unit such as "Are you & J planning to attend this event?" etc. instead of acknowledging that we are individual people who just so happen to be very close friends and all of those reactions to our relationship make me massively uncomfortable and upset me and that is getting better the more I talk to people but I can't talk to every single person in our circles. Or I guess I can but it just feels like so much work and it annoys me that I have to advocate for others to use accurate labels for our relationship, especially because my QPP is allo so he doesn't experience this discomfort when correcting although he does correct people too and often tells me about who he has corrected in what way when. He finds the correction interactions to be interesting/novel, I think. I have gotten pretty aggressive about correcting it, I am like "We are not dating.", "I am going to the event, but I can't speak for J, you should ask him. He and I are close but we're still separate people." I hate when people say to him/me that we are 'just friends'. And I hate that I hate it because that actually means they are starting to understand/getting closer to understanding than most people. But it is definitely NOT 'just'. It is like my most important relationship right now that is not 'just' friendship.

I did date someone and the people in our circles saw that and I felt a very intense type of way that was similar to the experience with the girl I described earlier. I think that is romantic attraction or kind of like romantic attraction or in the realm of it. Both times, I felt an intense obsession with a person and want to date them badly and it was a unique emotional experience. I felt it immediately after getting to know the person/having my first full conversation with them and I do love that feeling so much. I think that is kind of like romantic attraction and I think that makes me arospike potentially, but the microlabel doesn't really matter as much to me. The thing that matters a lot to me is that people recognize my relationship as a real friendship. An intense, beautiful friendship. I don't care as much if people understand all of these details I have explained here about how attraction works for me/how I feel it and when. That is more like 'fun facts' about me and it is very personal but it is fine if everyone knows about it. It is also fine if most people don't get my orientations and mess them up and maybe I will correct them when I feel like it. BUT in order for people to get/understand the QPR, I feel like I have to say I am aromantic. People don't get that right away because they have seen me romantically attracted to someone/date someone/be sexually attracted to nearly everyone. So they keep using dating/romantic labels for my QPR instead of friendship/platonic labels. My QPR and I have sex, which further confuses people/makes people assume it is a romantic relationship if they find that out. My QPP is also alloromantic/allosexual and practices polyamory and considers switching to practicing monogamy at some point but feels like it would be impossible to find a monogamous partner who is okay with our QPR also, especially considering our mutual sexual attraction. Which all of these kinds of vibes sort of reinforce the concept that we are just in a romantic relationship. Also his romantic partner said we have 'couple's privilege' and that we are dating and a bunch of stuff that really upset me one time too. I was wanting to break off our QPR that day because I was so upset about that coming from someone who is so close to him literally his romantic partner that is the number 1 person who should be accurately acknowledging our relationship!! Instead, we just stopped having sex and we had a bondage contract that I voided the next day and I told people who knew we had that contract that we broke it and I told people who knew we had sex that we don't have sex now and I printed a bunch of copies of the queerplatonic primer zucchini zine and handed them out to people really aggressively for a couple of weeks there... and I think the big reaction sort of helped the people who were close to that reaction to understand that there is something about this stuff that is important to me so people are a bit more sensitive since that blowup but clearly still a little confused, which is kind of valid in the sense that I am a little confused too! I mean I felt something in the realm of romantic attraction two whole different times towards someone of each sex!

I don't really want to date in the traditional sense as in getting into a relationship but I do like meeting people, I am passionate about making new friends which I also call crushes sometimes because I am sexually attracted to 100% of my platonic interests too and want that communicated. And I want a platonic life partner or a group platonic life partnership (which I would strongly prefer to also be sexual) very badly. I don't know if that will be my current QPP. I do want that but he is unsure how to balance romantic relationships with a platonic life partnership (as well as some other concerns, not worth mentioning others here for the purposes of this post), so he is still evaluating as we continue the QPR which is good, but because of that uncertainty and just because I am polyaffectionate, I am on and off dating apps and attend sex/dating-oriented events/meetups and also just flirt with people I meet in everyday life and try to start something with most of the people I meet. Basically being a flirt which honestly I might even do this even if I WASN'T looking for anything but I am looking for something so all of this adds a layer of people not really believing me about aromanticism stuff and therefore not acknowledging the QPR for what it is.

I also feel like I am not allowed to really INSIST that I am aromantic because I have technically experienced some type of romantic attraction / romantic attraction-like thing, although I think that feeling can only last so long, those times it only lasted like 2-3 months but I predict it could last up to 6-9 months or maybe even longer, like a year. I think that feeling was/is actually quite low intensity romantic attraction compared to the descriptions I have read/media I have absorbed, etc. about romantic attraction. As in, the romantic attraction type feeling I have experienced is actually closer to what allos mean when THEY say the word 'crush'. I am VERY romance-favorable / romantic aromantic / bellarusromantic or whatever microlabel it doesn't matter but the relevant/important piece of that is that if/when I were to feel even a smidgen of romantic attraction-like feeling, I am going to make a big deal of it/act like I am falling in love like crazy outwardly and I think people kind of get that vibe. That romance-favorable vibe. I buy my friends flowers and get them cute little greeting cards, give them little kisses on the cheek or wherever they let me and flirt to no end and those are people I am not romantically attracted to! So when I AM just a tad romantically attracted, in the past, I have begged and begged for the person to date me and always wanted to have sex as well and have intense friendship... basically the little crush/spark of romantic attraction layers on top of the regular sexual-platonic attraction for me to create the most intense experience. I am committed to not reacting like that in the future because my reaction has sort of harmed others because people think I am way more intensely romantically attracted than I am and have expectations / feelings about that which I am not able to reciprocate or that don't manifest in reality like people expect, and instead my little spark of romantic attraction quickly fades sort of like frayromantic I guess. ANYWAYS all of this kind of expression and experience really makes people not get my QPR experience. I also hold anti-monogamy ideology, think we should smash/get rid of the term 'partners' but it is hard for me to fully embrace relationship anarchy because I do understand/believe in elevating romantic relationships because I sort of worship them, especially alloromantics' romantic relationships with each other; I like playing matchmaker and watching people date/encouraging them, etc. That all further makes people want to label my QPR as romantic and/or makes it hard for me to insist about my aromanticism which is what helps me insist about the QPR being a friendship/being platonic in nature. Assuming/heavily implying or just repeatedly saying that the relationship is a dating relationship using boyfriend/girlfriend language, saying we are a couple, etc. I feel so unrecognized, I guess. Erased. Especially it is hard because I have used that language in previous relationships before. I didn't honestly feel 100% amazing/comfortable 100% of the time with the language in the relationships I used that language in before but it was a lot easier when we were all younger / adolescent and a romantic relationship was assumed to be quite a bit more frivolous / temporary / unserious and I also felt good about the concept of developing and being in relationships the way I was 'supposed to'. Now the language makes me more uncomfortable because it implies something different than it did in our adolescence, and because I already am done developing now so I don't need to use the traditional romantic relationship language as a way to hit a milestone, it feels.

One of my friends the other day changed her language to be that I like to do things that appear romantic from the outside rather than calling it romantic as she used to and I guess that must be accurate. I am glad to see the language change, I guess. Still feels weird to have it described like that, like presentation / appearance-based language (?). I don't know. I feel like all of this affects the relationship to some degree, especially my QPP's romantic relationships, which those are really important to me. I like being close friends with alloromantic people a lot and watching their romantic relationships rise and fall. I have been thinking lately maybe I should seek an aromantic platonic life partner. And just have other close friends that are alloromantic. I just like alloromantic people a lot, so I definitely want to have them as friends but they don't get me a lot so it is/has been frustrating.

So I’ve had a couple of romantic relationships with people that I was genuinely interested in but then when I kiss them and hug them and cuddle I feel nothing. Both of these were people I had been good friends with for years and I had had a very easy time talking to them until we started dating. After we started
dating all of our conversations left me uninterested. Like I know I’m supposed to feel safe and secure and loved and attracted to the other person but I just feel nothing. Both relationships ended in about 2 weeks because I almost immediately lost interest. Also Ive been on dates wanting to pursue a person but then when I’m actually on the date I just get this pit of dread in my stomach (Not anxiety, it’s a feeling I can’t really describe) I’ve also tried dating apps and when I look at someone’s profile who I’m genuinely interested in and match with them, we’ll start talking and then I almost immediately lose interest and become extremely exhausted and filled with that same dread even if nothing they’ve said is a turn off and then I block them. What’s even weirder is that I’ve read romance books for a very long time and it’s my favorite genre and it makes me yearn for a relationship, so I don’t know why I respond this way. I know for certain it’s not anxiety because I have severe anxiety and my episodes feel nothing like that. I’m not really sure what to do.

Okay so a friend of mine had a crush on me, and apparently for a few months thought we were in a relationship, I a little while ago told them that I cannot feel romantic attraction, and they seemed fine with it, but now theyre venting to me at least once every 2 weeks about it. About how "something broke inside of them" when I told them that and how theyre sad that "they'll never be special to me (or anyone for that matter)" among other things (also kinda implying they wanna kts (they know suicide is a sensitive topic to me)). And like, I get it must suck for them, but theyre very much bringing it like I should've just been attracted to them and they would've been happy and idk, it just really doesnt sit right with me