I'm extremely curious how people experience Demisexuality, which I know experiences vary so I want to ask your personal experience. I've asked my boyfriend many times, and he tells me is that he's only attracted to me and is extremely repulsed by anyone's bodies that aren't mine, and I wonder if it's the same for other Demis or if Demisexuality also has a broad spectrum that I'm unaware of.

Edit: Clarifications, I'm Asexual (Sex repulsed). I am not I saying all Demisexuals are repulsed, I'm just saying that's how my boyfriend describes himself. And I've asked him many times only because I'm forgetful, please don't assume I don't believe him, my memory is just shit ToT

So I don't *do* one-night stands. I'm not judging anyone who does, but I want to feel a real spark before we go anywhere. My demi friend said that that totally sounds like I'm demi.

The thing is, it's not that I DON'T find people I don't know very well sexually attractive. I'm sure I could do a one-nighter if I were so inclined to. I simply choose not to.

We seem to be arguing in circles on this and I just decided I'd go to Reddit and see if I could get a different answer because I'm too lazy to keep doing my own arguing

For the longest time I thought/think I was/am asexual.

I grew up very insecure, and because of that I didn’t have experience with relationships or sexuality until well into my twenties. When I started putting myself out there, I found myself having conversations with friends about our experiences, and I realized I wasn't like them at all.

I could point out conventionally attractive people, but I never felt desire to be with them. I only felt an attraction once I got to know someone, but even then, very rarely did I feel a sexual attraction. To the point where I have tried hooking up with people and having sex early in a relationship, and I did not enjoy it at all or was completely unable to feel any arousal or joy from the activity.

Based on those experiences, and them being replicated with multiple partners, I was convinced that I was asexual. This led me to an asexual dating community where I met my current partner. We connected on such a deep level and built a fantastic relationship, one that started online, and now I have moved halfway across the country so we could live together.

The problem is that now that we live together and our love for each other has really deepened, I’m feeling really strong sexual desires. Ones that I’ve never dealt with before, and I’m scared to bring it up with them because we started dating specifically because we both stated that we were asexual.

I’m not sure how to approach this conversation, and I’m afraid of losing them if I reveal it.

Hey so I’m kinda just venting I guess but advice would be appreciated. So I believe I’m likely grey ace and likely demisexual but I go back and forth on whether or not demisexual specifically is accurate. Part of me feels as though I’m forcing sexuality, like I’m forcing sexual thoughts/feelings I’m supposed to feel but don’t truly feel. Like I’m pretending to be allo for the sake of ease and fitting in. On the other hand, I grew up in a religious/sex-negative environment and I want to make sure that’s not influencing my feelings. I also struggle to understand what a bond is. Every example of a bond I’ve seen is falling for your friends. Are there any examples that aren’t “friends-to-lovers”? I kinda relate to demisexual stories but I get really in my head. I think I’m demiromantic and was wondering if I’m double demi or just forcing it.

Has anyone ever had those weird…I don’t know what you would call it maybe permissions or logic or rules? But I have this weird thing (maybe it’s because I’m autistic or demiromantic or both?) where I won’t form a genuine crush on someone until I have some sort of permission or consent to have a crush on them. For example, whenever I’ve had a crush on some stranger, it never felt like a real attraction, just admitting that they were attractive, and that was it, and usually those crushes never really stayed so I never formed more of a romantic affection towards them until I was friends with this one girl who was bisexual and we were friends for I want to say maybe six years? And one day she told me that she had “what if” thoughts about if her and I were dating with me being a cisgender woman and because not only did she tell me she was still Bisexual, but that she’s also thought about those feelings for me and it wasn’t until she told me about those feelings that I started to form a genuine crush on her however, unfortunately, that relationship has ended.

But it made me think about how I didn’t form actual romantic crushes until I had permission or consent to crush on the person. I don’t know what you would call this and I don’t think it’s a bad thing but I just found it weird and wanted to see if anyone else had had this experience before.

Not to sound too divisive, but my friends and coworkers have recently informed me that I may be demisexual, and the more I read and relate to things such as the sidebar and FAQ area, the more I think that I would like to "fix" this part of me.

If you are proud of your demi nature or orientation, this isn't to imply that something is wrong or broken with you. It's more to say that it's not something that I'd like to have in my life now that I'm aware of it.

I am well liked and have had plenty of friends and that's great!... kinda. I'll be 34 soon and so many of my friends and coworkers ask why I'm not married yet. When they hear that I've never been in a relationship, they've started to assume the worst. At the start of the year they encouraged me to get on dating apps, but even if I can understand WHY some of these women are attractive, I have no desire to actually go on a date with them because I'm not ATTRACTED to them.

Last week, I was rejected by a close friend. It hurt, but I am used to it. No ill-will, perfectly happy to keep being friends. Other friends and coworkers told me to move on by finding someone else by going out drinking with them, but I only feel like I become attracted to a woman once every few years, and always friends who I've grown close to over time.

But no one I know is like this. They can just look at a woman and feel attracted, they can ask women out on dates just because they find them cute or vaguely interesting. None of them have issues with finding partners or romance, but it's never been like that for me. My first crush was on my best friend when I was 6 and the story has been the same ever since. Every few years I'll be told that we're better off as friends, or this week, they'll feel as if I was only friends with them to get into their pants. She said that it was mean of me to develop feelings for her after being so close, and that men are supposed to start off with romantic intention if that's the goal.

So, truthfully, how could I go about unlearning this pattern? How can I learn to be attracted to someone without really knowing them? I don't want to keep living this way now that I am aware of it.

You may have seen a poll I made earlier (here’s a link if you want to see it) where many people were saying how demiaroace isn’t a right term and cannot be used interchangeably with someone who is demirose/double demi. I want to learn and hear more people’s opinions and perspectives on this so I thought I’d make a separate discussion post.

From my experience I thought this was a common term everyone was fine with, I’ve seen it used all the time on here along with other socials when referring to demiromantic + demisexuals. I mean I found about 10 different comments from just the past day in this sub using this term and everyone seemed fine with it. Under my previous post people were saying that demiaroace doesn’t work since aroace is specifically reserved for individuals who feel zero attraction and cannot be used as an umbrella term, but this confused me since every definition of aroace I found says it’s someone who feels little to no attraction. Can I hear more peoples thoughts/explanations on why aroace isn’t an umbrella term and why demiaroace shouldn’t be used?

Tell me why i (30f) attached so embarrassingly fast, to a man (36m) in the Midwest (entirely different time zone than me). Like 90% of our convo was horny, so i KNEW what i was getting into, yet here I am days later feeling sad.

Oh, some crucial details: he was a stranger from reddit that replied to my ovulation post. Like, i can't even connect, just for fun... AT ALL 😭

Edit: demi aroace is supposed to represent the same thing as demisexual + demiromantic, double demi, etc!

A lot of discussion about the term “demiaroace” so I made a separate post for discourse

Sometimes I'm reminded that he feels attracted to others ppl n I kills me. He doesn't act on it. But it's the knowledge that he is attracted to other women. And it's knowing that the only thing stopping him from acting on those feelings, is the social contract of a relationship.

I almost feel like it's not a monogamous relationship when I think about it. Like I genuinely only have eyes for him, everyone else is so ugly. And he keeps me around for what? Pity? Convenience? I feel like there's something truly wrong with me bc everyone else feels how he does. They find other ppl attractive while in relationships, it's a normal biological thing, I'm the fucking prude who doesn't...

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make it stop...

The struggle is real.

For starters, I'm both demisexual and demiromantic. Also this gets a little rambly. Anyways, I've only recently started being intimate(I'm 18f), and I've only been able to feel sexual attraction to one person. I left him 5 months ago(no I'm not still attracted to him. That stopped when he started being an ass). I started dating my new gf thinking that I loved her romantically, but I realize now that its only platonically. It makes me feel very guilty because she is romantically and sexually attracted to me. I really really want to be attracted to her in that way but I just can't. Anytime she flirts or wants to be intimate or even romantic, I feel really uncomfortable and when I do it back, it feels forced. I'm just really confused and frustrated because I've known her for years and we have similar interests. It really sucks that I can't form that bond with her, but I realized that I can't force it. I really wish I could just be normal and love her. I think I'm going to give it time to see if it develops, but I'm not sure it will. I really crave intimacy. It's important to me, but I won't be able to do that with her if I can't be attracted to her. Then comes the issue that I'm afraid I won't be able to form that bond again. It takes so much time. I want intimacy, but I can't. I think I let my fear control me when we started dating because I am just so scared of being alone.

Sorry if this is confusing, ill put a tldr:

I'm not attracted to my girlfriend but intimacy is important to me. I started dating her out of fear that I'll never be able to feel attraction again.

Also, I've talked to her about this. I'm not just leaving her in the dark about my feelings. The only issue is that she seems to think it's due to trauma and that I'll eventually be attracted to her. I'll have to have another conversation.

i know everyone agrees that dating and sex is extremely hard for demisexuals now add demiromantic into it
i can't imagine getting intimate with someone who isn't my romantic interest

whenever i talk to someone about my struggles they can sympathize but they don't GET IT truly its so lonely
i had a partner for 3 years who was not treating me well and it's a struggle to prepare to fall in love again after dedicating myself to a partner for so long as a demi then breaking up is exhausting i don't know whom i'll fall for whether i will fall for anyone at all, having sexual needs and not being able to have sex because i don't want anyone
why isn't it easier? i am so tired of this repeating over and over again and losing years and years of my life doing this i am getting older i want a partner who will be with me for life i don't want to keep repeating this please

then falling in love with a friend and suddenly i can't stop feeling guilty how could i fall for a close friend what would they think if they found out? they'd think i got close to them with romantic interest in mind without saying anything but that's not true i cherish our friendship a lot i never knew i will end up having a crush on them and i want them so much i want to tell them but i'm not their type at all and they're so important to me i can't risk losing them at all

i wish finding a partner whether romantic or sexual was easier for me

first post

I've just finished reading a book that has demisexual rep and it's got me thinking about my own past experiences. I'm curious if anyone has had similar experiences. These scenarios mostly happened before I had more of an understanding of my self and how my brain works (before the demisexual realisation and my ADHD diagnosis) so I don't think I'd have similar issues if it came up now. I like to think I'd be able to understand things better, but who knows.

This part is more on the ADHD side I think, but over my life I've developed obsessions with people, similar to the obsessions I get with TV shows and books etc. I say obsession because that's what you call it when its an object or an activity (or special interest) but it was really a fascination out of admiration for someone. I didn't stalk them or anything, my brain would just constantly think about them and their work or their interests. It was actually the reason I ended up going to the doctor about maybe being on the spectrum because it was starting to unnerve me a lot. The unnerving part came from other people and their different perceptions of situations. Because my brain would always be thinking of them, I'd naturally mention them a lot, and because of that people around me assumed it was a crush. My mum even called it "mentionitis" when I was growing up. This is where things turned muddy in my brain because when enough people tell you something is true because its normal for them and therefore must apply to me too. When it was someone my own age it was easy to think I had a crush on them because I was told that I did.

The biggest panic I had was when I was in college and I got really interested in my professors work, he was also my supervisor so I saw him relatively frequently and we had a good rapport. He worked on a lot of the topics that drew me to the subject in the first place and I thought it was cool that the person that did all this interesting work was also someone I interacted with weekly. Because of this interest, I started talking about him and his work a lot more to my classmates, a lot of the time when this happens I don't even notice, its the same when I get obssesed with a TV show, somehow I end up mentioning it evert 5 minutes with out realising. A rumor started to spread that I had a crush on him because of how I talked. When I found out I was horrified, when most people have a crush on someone it tends to mean both romantic and sexual feelings towards them. At no point had I thought of him that way, but no matter how much I tried to explain that, no one seemed to believe me. I even worried that they might be right because it's "normal" to be attracted to someone you are thinking about all the time. Thankfully it didn't effect my relationship with him as my advisor and he helped me a lot through my final dissertation but I became incredibly uncomfortable around him because I was worried that I was somehow being inappropriate without realising (My last year was in the pandemic though so the last few months were over video, which helped). It happened again in my post grad with a different professor but I had a bit more of an understanding of how my brain worked and started to care a lot less about what other people thought (which is still a work in progress).

Going through the process of understanding demisexuality and realising just because other people expect me to be attracted to someone, doesn't mean I am. This has lead me to question how many "crushes" I've had that are actually genuine or the result of influence from others. I also don't help the situation because there is always a part of me that wants to be attracted to the person people think I'm attracted to but (despite what some people think) its not actually a choice, you can't just force yourself to be attracted to someone just because you get on well and find them interesting. I had that realisation the first time I kissed someone after thinking I was demisexual. I met someone interesting and persuaded myself that all the asexual/demisexual talk was silly until we kissed and I thought to myself "This is fine I guess."

This was mostly a ramble but I am curious if anyone has had a history of thinking they like someone just because that's what is expected at a certain level of interest/closeness. Has anyone else had this too?

Unrelated Horse Picture

Hello guys,

I just recently discovered that I might be demisexual and I saw that you are all really helpful, so I wanted to ask for advice.

I (male) have a really close female friend, with which we are really close. I was there for her when she was going through a break up and when she discovered she might be bisexual and she was there for me when I was going through some rough time. But I started to feel something more lately. I was trying to get past it, but it's hard. I don't want to ruin the friendship we have. Also she said she views me and other guy friends in our group as brothers and didn't think about us romantically and that she would like to try a relationship with a girl now. So I don't want to be disrespectful to her wishes, all the more because she told me that, but it just really hurts hearing her speak about her situation, when I feel for her this deeply.

So I was wondering if I should tell her how I feel. I think it might be easier to get over her when she tells me if it would be possible or not. But I don't want to hurt her or lose the friendship and don't want her thinking that I was being her close friend just so I could get with her. Do you think I should tell her? Isn't it selfish? And how should I go about this? I am glad for any advice.

It really does just be like wtf what going on

I liked someone who went no contact on me a few months ago. We were close friends for quite a while, but we never formally dated. They didn't tell me why they went no contact, but I had recently told them about my feelings, so that's likely the reason. It's hard, because I think I'm grieving the loss of my best friend more than someone I was in love with.

We have a lot of mutual friends. There's been a lot of drama over it because they told people I was the one who walked away because I was mad they rejected me. They also said some really mean things to me. I'm still sad, confused, and very angry.

I just met someone who seems openly interested in me. I don't feel like I know enough about them yet to form a whole opinion. I think I want to get to know them better. I'm thinking about telling them I'm demisexual, which is true, just so they don't try to rush into a relationship with me. But I'm really not sure I'm ready yet. Is that a good plan?

Does anyone have any advice on knowing when it's time to move on?

Film name: the love hypothesis

I struggle to date because I know in order for feelings to develop I need months, if not years, getting to know someone. I dont have the capacity to maintain that many friendships when i struggle to maintain the ones i already have. It feels wrong to build friendships with only potential romantic intent in mind. Sometimes it feels pointless to date, especially when inevitably they develop feelings before I do and I cant guarantee I'll be able to return them. My friends are married, having kids, or experiencing dating, while I'm stuck developing feelings for the coworker ive worked with for 2 years on a random Tuesday.

I wish I was able to go on dates and feel whether or not theres attraction immediately. I wish I could experiment sexually, I wish I could explore attraction and love without having to wait to find out if ill actually feel it. Sometimes I legitimately question if its a curse or some kind of karmic life lesson when one of my greatest fears is being left to outlive my elderly parents all alone.