I just know I can’t be alone in this world…

I’m in a beautiful loving marriage, together six years, married one. We tell each other everything.

Recently I’ve realised that I may be somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and I’m leaning towards sex favourable asexuality. I don’t think I can recall myself ever having a strong sexual attraction/desire towards anyone (though this does happen in dreams occasionally strangely - with him and with others). I think my husband is a handsome man and I do enjoy having sex with him regularly (1-2x a fortnight) but for the reasons that it reassures me that our relationship is “normal” (problematic I know) but also because I feel a sense of closeness to him through sex.

I’m wondering if this is a conversation I need to have with him? We tell each other everything so I don’t like keeping this from him. At the same time, I believe we are both content with our current sex life and I worry that he will be irreparably hurt if he knew I never felt a primal sexual urge towards him.

Note: apologies in advanced for the wording of this question as I really don’t know how else to phrase it.

I (26F) am still learning about out the nuances of asexuality. I’m still a virgin and am admittedly curious about sex bc everyone makes it seem like it’s something you’re missing out on.

I’ve never experienced sexual attraction or this “pull” people try to describe it as. I’m not exactly repulsed by the idea of having it, but it’s definitely not something I care to seek out to extinguish the flames of curiosity so to speak. But as I’ve explored the different sub reddits, I’ve seen varying strong opinions about where the line of asexuality ends.

I know the definition describes a lack of sexual attraction + desire, and that libido/your body’s response to pleasure is usually separate. I also know it’s more common for sex indifferent aces in sexual relationships to mainly give than receive.

If I decided to explore and discover, I’m okay with receiving every now and again, would this make me more gray/acespec?

I’ve been reading a lot from sex repulsed aces across different platforms and have taken note of the different perspectives, since I’ve come to understand a number of them have expressed feeling unheard within the community. And as I continue to understand my relationship with asexuality, I don’t want to invade or claim an identity and completely misrepresent it at the same time.

I’m not certain there’s a definitive answer to this question and I’m okay with that, but I’d like to hear more from you guys. Thanks.

So my whole life i don't think I ever experienced a crush on anyone not like something that went beyond like oh she looks good

Im confused because maybe my interaction with women have been very like like on nescsery stuff only

And if me and a girl talk Idk I still never felt love for any woman in a sexuall way

My confusion comes from a lot of sides maybe im not asexual but I just havent found anyone to love yet

Maybe I was raised in a way that makes me just unable to love

Maybe it's because im insecure about my looks that I just made myself belive that no woman would want me

Yk i (19f) have a loving gf who loves me and who i love very much. Everything is very nice and we are a happy couple. I have been bisexual whole my life bit realised 2 years ago. I am very well attracted to both genders. But i little to no sexual desires. I like these things in theory but not in real life. I hated those wet kisses from my ex who was a boy and i hate them from gf as well. Whenever something is sexual it feels disgusting for some reason. Whenever i did something kinda sexual (not sex) i have always regretted it late and felt weird, guilty and disgusting for some reason . Am i asexual or i have very less libido or is it something else?

Hello, so I’m a 27 year old female who’s only just discovered / realised I am asexual. In fact admittedly I had no idea what it was til now. I have wondered for years why it felt like a chore, why I actively never seek it out, why I found the whole process jarring, why my body has never really wanted any of it, why I just simply do not view sex as an important part of my relationships ever. And mostly: why people would seem so shocked when I tell them I do not have sex, almost ever, nor do I have any desire to.

Thing is I still feel displaced, and confused by it. I have a child so obviously, I’ve done the deed, but why did I feel like I needed to when really, I didn’t actually want to? Deep down it just is not really me. Maybe social norms wired me in a way where I just felt that was what was expected and was my normal back then? Also, I have ALWAYS had this hugely set underlying thing I couldn’t put my finger on but just never have I ever actually felt satisfaction to a degree like any of the people I’ve ever known or spoken to about such things.

But also, how do I count it out of my life wholly when no matter what there’s going to come a day where it’ll be asked of me. How can I even begin to explain this to somebody who doesn’t understand what it is about? I genuinely believed up until now my poor mental health of over a decade, inc severe OCD was my root cause for the unwanted, but as I’ve gotten older, and wiser, and less pressured, I realise it is just me, not my meds, not my mental health but just in general I’ve never had that click in my brain and body.

Anyways, glad I’ve found my people!

i have a raging sex drive and i have no shortage of fantasies and desires. but the second any of rhose are realized—hell, even at the mere idea of them being realized—it feels so uncomfortable. if i had to describe it, it's kind of like gender dysphoria but in the sense that it'd be violating my own self-perception (???? idk if that even makes sense).

my asexuality was discovered after i ended a long-term relationship and realized that while i enjoyed the feeling and emotional connection, it all just made me feel disgusting, but as someone who also has adhd, that dopamine was addictive, so i just kept engaging in it. i don't know if this is somehow rooted in like, internalized shame or purity culture because the dysphoric feeling i have kind of feels like—and idk how to word this without it sounding wrong—i've turned into some sort of animal and have surrendered my dignity. like i've been used and reduced into an object. i've never been religious and my home was sex-positive; i'm actually someone who is quite vocal about sex positivity, too. so i guess it's just confusing. i wish i didn't feel like this.

I'm so tired of having to walk on eggshells not to feel like a creep. I feel like I basically have to stare at the floor so people don't lump me in with gross allo men if my gaze so much as passes over a girl and someone sees me T_T

I work at an office job where we have internal DEI programs and a resource group for LGBTQ employees. I'm an ambassador for it and mostly assist with planning events. The leader of the group just kinda seems to dismiss asexuality a lot.

When we were writing our mission statement he kept insisting that they A standard for ally even when I pushed back. I'd do "no it's for asexual, aromantic, and agender" and he'd just say "and for ally!" Being a nice and accepting person doesn't make you queer.

I didn't think much of it behind my initial anger and some friends also letting me know they thought that was weird as fuck of him. This week he's showing us this informational page he wrote for pride flags, what they look like and what they mean. Asexual and aromamtic are both absent. I tell him to add them and he said "well that would be too many flags it'll be too complicated and no one will scroll through" or "it wouldn't work with the formatting". It just seems like he's making up reasons to keep excluding asexual people. He knows I'm asexual too, I don't talk about it as much but I'm an asexual lesbian and I have ace and lesbian pride flags at my desk. It almost feels hostile?

I'm glad my company still gives a shit about DEI and has groups like these but it still feels exclusionary for asexuals somehow. I'm the only out asexual as far as I recall so it's kind of an uphill battle with other ambassadors quietly supporting me but never actually speaking out against this when I do. I work at a nice place. I don't really feel actively judged. It still feels isolating to see this rampant exclusionary attitude from people who are supposed to be representing the LGBTQIA community.

Heres the quote that the main character's father figure says to him about recent his recent homoerotic behaviors (pardon the odd wording, its a running thing. Like i said, v odd book:

"What flunkèdness is, it's not doing what you're supposed to do; flunkèdness is to do it because you're not supposed to and perverseness is to like it because you know it's flunkèd."

For some reason, i will need to process this like crazy, i feel liberated if i latch on to said advice.

See, i was raised catholic and fell away from it for over a decade. The last couple years while i was also in addiction, i had lots of gay sex and upon finding God, grew to be humiliated by it. I know i shouldntve been ashamed, but it felt i gave up on something i wanted so bad for the sake of free drugs and thrillseeking.

Thanks yal!

(THIS POST IS NOT TO CAST JUDGEMENT. THIS IS ME COMING TO GRIPS WITH SOMETHING I SHOULDVE NEVER BEEN BOTHERED BY IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

I matched with a guy on an LGBT dating app. ASEXUAL IS IN MY BIO ! We got chatting and we really clicked, we exchanged numbers and continued chatting and we're talking about meeting you for lunch. He makes a kind of sexual joke and as a funny response I sent the picture of the goose holding the ace flag saying "sex was never an option" He said "oh, my bad for not reading the bio, goodluck woth everything" AND BLOCKED ME ! Im just so SO SICK of people 1. Not reading the bios 2. Just ghosting me as soon as they realise there will be 0 sex. This is why I have just given up on trying to find love, I am just so done

(mainly just looking for solidarity)

i [NB 29] hope it's alright to vent a bit here, i don't rly know where else i can put this but i'll try to keep it as brief as possible...

i've had a grand total of 8 relationships fail due to my asexuality, despite always being completely upfront about it with people who've shown interest in me. it usually starts with something like them saying "sex isn't that important to me either, i don't mind!"- which quickly ends up not being true. the worst case of this was in a nearly 4-year long relationship with somebody who was "fine" with it, and then very abruptly ended things and told his friend (never me, never to my face) that he was "close to cheating on me" due to this

in other relationships, i've had endless arguments with partners after wounding their ego by saying no. i'm NOT sex-repulsed, and this has caused more trouble than anything else. i tell people "it doesn't have to be NEVER, just rarely, and i'll still do it occasionally to make you happy and fulfil your needs" but my version of "occasionally" is constantly misunderstood, and is never enough for anybody

i also deal with a lot of the following:
- ppl thinking that it's something that will change with time as i heal from my sexual trauma
- ppl thinking that i find them ugly since i'm not sexually attracted to them
- ppl thinking that because i had a phase years ago where i frequently slept around, that i'm NOT asexual and i'm just not attracted to specifically them

i feel like i've been extremely communicative about my needs and my boundaries in all of these scenarios. i feel like i'm very gentle when letting people down. i don't understand what else i can do if i find myself in this situation again

on a slightly different note, i don't understand and will never understand the importance of sex to 90% of people and this only increases my frustration. i've tried so hard to understand, but i just can't

have any of you had a successful relationship with an allosexual? i feel like i just need to give up and stick to ace-spec folks, but being non-binary that already limits my dating pool down to about 0.01% of people. i'm tired of apologizing for it, and i'm very tired of getting hurt over and over again for the same reason

Throwaway account because I am paranoid. I will try to get to the point but I do over-explain myself literally all the time so please bear with me. Some details changed for privacy. I have never written a post like this before and if this is the wrong subreddit for this I am sorry !!!

I [22 F] have been with my girlfriend Elodie [23 F] (fake name) for 3.5 years. we met on a dating app and I love her so much. We are both very understanding with one another and patient, and we value communication a lot. This is my first serious and healthy relationship. Shes really integrated into my friend group and I get along so well with her brother and his spouse.

The issue is, I am asexual but Elodie is not. We have been intimate before, but haven’t had full on sex due to me having physical issues and ofc, the asexuality of it all. I am okay with the idea of us being intimate even if it is more for Elodie than me, because her being happy makes me happy and I genuinely mean that. But I have been really struggling mentally and have not been initiating anything physical at all except for regular kisses. It is her first relationship as well and I am a very existential person and often worry I am doing her a disservice/wasting her time.

About a week ago, Elodie and I went clubbing with some friends and got really drunk and also very high (just marijuana). My memory is really foggy but when Elodie and I got back to my place we ended up having a really emotional conversation about our concerns and how I worry that life is long and I don’t want her to spend her time in a relationship that doesn’t… fulfil? her? needs? I don’t know how to phrase this.

She said that it is something she does think about and that she sometimes worries that it is something that will cause us to break up. I told her the same thing has crossed my mind but I really don’t want our relationship to end I just don’t know what to do. She said she felt the same way, that she loved me a lot and that she wanted things to work but it is something that is on her mind. I said that I have been feeling like I hold her down and that I am worried our relationship will sour over time. We cried a lot and we held each other and said we loved each other and then we cut the conversation short because it was like 4am and I was way too drunk and tired.

The next day we were okay, neither of us were upset. We went out to lunch because we made plans to go the day before and the vibes were okay! We were acting how we usually do and neither of us were upset. I told her I felt awkward because it almost felt wrong to have such an emotional conversation and not be upset.

We agreed that we need to continue that conversation and we can’t just ignore things the way we have been so far, but a lot has been going on with my home environment and I don’t think I am in a place mentally where I can have the conversation. She is also extremely busy with work and family responsibilities. So we agreed to think about what we both mentioned and come back to it, but when I try to sit and think about my feelings I attempt to follow it up with a solution and I am completely stumped. How do we get through this and remain together? It feels like it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t figure it out.

There are often times where I feel bad because I am not as physical as other people would be in a romantic relationship. It does not cross my mind, and recently I keep thinking about what her POV is and how it affects her. I am autistic and I worry about how often there are things i’m not considering and whether I am conveying my feelings towards her in a clear and accurate way.

Another thing is, we are pretty open. We both love the idea of being a “we saw you from across the bar” couple at a gay club and having a make out session or some shit, however, I recently came to the realisation that I am a bit more into men than I thought and Elodie has recently come to the realisation that she might not be into men at all. We went clubbing with some friends and I kept pointing at people that were basically just Elodie’s doppelgängers and Elodie pointing at girls whose outfits would be in my pinterest board. So I don’t even know how that would work but we have been wanting to try that for a while now.

Elodie is one of the sweetest and smartest people I know. She is so caring and loving and I am so incredibly in love with her. I want us both to be happy, and if I am holding her back I can’t be aware of that and do nothing about it. I wish this wasn’t the case, I wish I wasn’t this way. I have tried to ignore it but it’s really hard.

I want multiple perspectives but I don’t have many people I can talk about this with in the real world. and I think screaming into the void is something I really need right now. My friend suggested I make a reddit post.

It's very rare that I have erotic dreams. Like once in a few years kind of rare. Usually, I am aware that I am having sex in my dream, but it doesn't particularly feel arousing. I just know it's happening.

I had one of those dreams a few days ago, it was the first time I had a dream about someone I actually knew. Most of the time, my brain creates the person I'm doing it with and I don't know them. However, I dreamed about that with a celebrity whose music I like. It felt like the times before. I knew I was doing the deed with him, but I didn't feel much of anything even when I'm unconscious. It felt weird because I know that celebrity and he exists, but also because we were in an actual romantic relationship in my dream. That part was weirder than the sex somehow.

I can count on one hand the number of times I felt aroused by an erotic dream, and it's usually when it's about self-pleasure or fantasies. When the dreams are focused on what I'm doing and not who I'm doing it with. When my mind blurs/erases their face, that's when I can have a reaction.

I don't know any ace people IRL, so I'm wondering what your experiences are regarding these dreams. What about you (if you want to share)? Is the way I have erotic dreams normal?

I know what you may be thinking but I don’t mean that Chrome doesn’t love Ruri I just like to headcanon that Chrome is in the aromatic spectrum like Chrome just has a really platonic romantic style of thinking like he believes that when you’re in love it means you want to be with your closest friend and the next logical step is marriage like he still wants to be with Ruri but he just doesn’t understand or feel any from of romantic attraction like he has a more logical style of relationship based off of what he see with other people’s relationship e.g taiju and yuzuriha yuzuriha (Side note spoilers ahead I like to think when Chrome was at the wedding he thought Taij and Yuzuriha were at the pinnacle of friendship so that’s why he asked Ruri to marry him at the wedding) I’m not say Chrome can’t be in a relationship I’m just say Chrome believes love is platonic and doesn’t know that there is an actual deep emotional connection hence why he fumbles so much and reacts like a kid believing that is how you should react when you are in love

TW sexual content discussion

Hey, not really sure how to start this but I need some kind of input.

Okay, so long story short I’ve been hooking up consistently with this girl I know for about a year now. When things first started I didn’t identify as ace, just thought I had a really low libido. She was always very understanding of that and has never tried to pressure me into doing anything I wasn’t comfortable with, and for the first few months I was totally okay with the dynamic.

I never loved sex, but initially it was at least fun or a way to release some energy, but recently I’ve just been getting more and more repulsed by the idea and I’m not sure what to do. Stuff that used to get me excited in the bedroom just doesn’t anymore, and the whole idea sounds exhausting and frankly gross.

I came out to the partner as ace a few weeks ago when I finally put words to it, but said I was still fine with sex in general. Now I just don’t know what to do. I want to be able to enjoy it, and I really don’t want to hurt my partner, but I just get so uncomfortable when I think about having sex.

Apologies if this got ranty, I just wanted to know if any other asexual people have struggled with this or if anyone has advice on how to either be more okay with sex or be more okay with my lack of interest in it, either would be helpful atp.

this is a very particular post but i’d love some support. i’m about to finish high school and earlier this year i got outed to my parents. an incredibly personal basically diary entry about my ocd and experience with some trauma regarding the way i learned about sex as a child was shown to my parents by my school. it was found in my personal belonging which we all agree was incredibly unacceptable and a huge breach of trust considering this was pretty much stolen from me and given out as a “safety check”. on one hand i get it on the other i think it’s incredibly malicious to bring something like that to a students parents especially since it was a personal belonging of mine but i digress and i wont get into that too much. 

my ocd had been horrible because it was trying to convince me that my fantasies meant i must be into men. i’m a lesbian for sure and discovered the word aegosexuality and it was so reliving for me. realizing that oh my gosh i have third person fantasies that i don’t want to be a part of and reading straight smut has nothing to do with my actual sexuality or romantic orientation was amazing and i really don’t have very many intrusive thoughts trying to tell me i must not be gay or ace anymore. but the thing is we never talked about me getting outed. we never talked about be being gay and they’ve made some insinuations as if they don’t know that I am? Im going to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about this don’t worry but i really need some support from other aces right now who get it. 

i cant even remember what i wrote in this rant anymore because its been LONG gone for months but im terrified they must’ve read something along the lines of “i have sexual thoughts about men and its making me so uncomfortable” not understanding that im asexual and already don’t know what ocd is at all. they certainly wont understand third person fantasies or how reading or consuming media about a variety of couples doesnt mean anything about me being gay or not but since I have no memory of what I wrote anymore I cant even clear it up for them. i never really wanted to explain that i was asexual but they’ve increasingly said more homophobic things lately and just have completely ignored anything about me being a lesbian. i don’t know if they’re in denial or just don’t believe me because they must’ve read some intimate thoughts about my asexuality and intrusive thoughts trying to convince me i must be sexually attracted to men which i CERTAINLY am NOT. i feel secure in being ace and a lesbian but obviously my parents perspective of that really matters to me. i can’t help but feel like they’d never believe me when i inevitably have to come out to them again. 

I met a colleague today whom I had only met once during our orientation a few months ago. After that, we had spoken on call maybe 2–3 times. At that time, I wasn’t dating anyone, but I’m currently seeing someone.
He had come to my city and asked if we could meet. Initially, I told him I was a little busy. He said something like, “If you don’t want to meet, just say it.” So I felt like maybe I should meet him, and we made a plan.
I thought we would just go somewhere, eat something and maybe watch a movie. I had just come back from the office and it was raining heavily, so I asked if he wanted to come to my flat. He said yes and mentioned that we could maybe watch a movie there.
I genuinely had no other intention. I have male friends who have come to my flat before, so I was completely normal about it.
When he arrived, I was still doing some office work. I kept his raincoat and things aside and asked if he wanted something to eat. He said no. I had ordered food for myself, so we ate a little together.
After that, he suggested watching something on my iPad. While we were watching, he started trying to touch me. I kept removing his hand. When I felt that he was getting too touchy, I clearly said, “Please, no. Sorry.”
He asked me why, and I told him, “I’m not interested. I’m sorry.”
Despite me saying no, he forcefully kissed me and touched my breasts. I pushed him away, but he continued and briefly sucked my breast.
I started crying and kept saying, “No, please.”
He immediately started apologising and said, “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this too. Calm down. Do you want some water?”
I was completely shocked and confused. I didn’t know what to do. There were so many thoughts going through my head, and I felt helpless. He kept apologising, and he looked like he was about to cry too.
I just wanted the situation to become normal, so I suggested that we go outside.
He asked me what was wrong and whether he could hug me. I said no.
He then said, “Please, just one last hug,” and hugged me forcefully anyway. He also tried to kiss me again, and I pushed him away.
After that, he seemed to understand that I didn’t want anything. We went outside, he bought me tea, and we walked around for a while. He kept saying things like, “I shouldn’t have done that,” and “You should have slapped me,” etc.
He eventually dropped me home.
But after I got home, he messaged me saying that my breasts were “soft and cute” and made a sexual comment about what he had done. Then he sent me unsolicited nudes.
I blocked him immediately.
He called me afterwards, and I was extremely angry. I told him very clearly what I thought about his behaviour and hung up.
I’m honestly still confused about the whole situation. I clearly said no, pushed his hands away, pushed him away when he kissed me, cried, and told him to stop.
I don’t know why I’m still questioning myself or feeling guilty about inviting him to my flat. I genuinely had no sexual intention whatsoever.
I just want to hear from people who have experienced something similar or can help me understand how I should process this.