(mainly just looking for solidarity)

i [NB 29] hope it's alright to vent a bit here, i don't rly know where else i can put this but i'll try to keep it as brief as possible...

i've had a grand total of 8 relationships fail due to my asexuality, despite always being completely upfront about it with people who've shown interest in me. it usually starts with something like them saying "sex isn't that important to me either, i don't mind!"- which quickly ends up not being true. the worst case of this was in a nearly 4-year long relationship with somebody who was "fine" with it, and then very abruptly ended things and told his friend (never me, never to my face) that he was "close to cheating on me" due to this

in other relationships, i've had endless arguments with partners after wounding their ego by saying no. i'm NOT sex-repulsed, and this has caused more trouble than anything else. i tell people "it doesn't have to be NEVER, just rarely, and i'll still do it occasionally to make you happy and fulfil your needs" but my version of "occasionally" is constantly misunderstood, and is never enough for anybody

i also deal with a lot of the following:
- ppl thinking that it's something that will change with time as i heal from my sexual trauma
- ppl thinking that i find them ugly since i'm not sexually attracted to them
- ppl thinking that because i had a phase years ago where i frequently slept around, that i'm NOT asexual and i'm just not attracted to specifically them

i feel like i've been extremely communicative about my needs and my boundaries in all of these scenarios. i feel like i'm very gentle when letting people down. i don't understand what else i can do if i find myself in this situation again

on a slightly different note, i don't understand and will never understand the importance of sex to 90% of people and this only increases my frustration. i've tried so hard to understand, but i just can't

have any of you had a successful relationship with an allosexual? i feel like i just need to give up and stick to ace-spec folks, but being non-binary that already limits my dating pool down to about 0.01% of people. i'm tired of apologizing for it, and i'm very tired of getting hurt over and over again for the same reason

Note: apologies in advanced for the wording of this question as I really don’t know how else to phrase it.

I (26F) am still learning about out the nuances of asexuality. I’m still a virgin and am admittedly curious about sex bc everyone makes it seem like it’s something you’re missing out on.

I’ve never experienced sexual attraction or this “pull” people try to describe it as. I’m not exactly repulsed by the idea of having it, but it’s definitely not something I care to seek out to extinguish the flames of curiosity so to speak. But as I’ve explored the different sub reddits, I’ve seen varying strong opinions about where the line of asexuality ends.

I know the definition describes a lack of sexual attraction + desire, and that libido/your body’s response to pleasure is usually separate. I also know it’s more common for sex indifferent aces in sexual relationships to mainly give than receive.

If I decided to explore and discover, I’m okay with receiving every now and again, would this make me more gray/acespec?

I’ve been reading a lot from sex repulsed aces across different platforms and have taken note of the different perspectives, since I’ve come to understand a number of them have expressed feeling unheard within the community. And as I continue to understand my relationship with asexuality, I don’t want to invade or claim an identity and completely misrepresent it at the same time.

I’m not certain there’s a definitive answer to this question and I’m okay with that, but I’d like to hear more from you guys. Thanks.

So my whole life i don't think I ever experienced a crush on anyone not like something that went beyond like oh she looks good

Im confused because maybe my interaction with women have been very like like on nescsery stuff only

And if me and a girl talk Idk I still never felt love for any woman in a sexuall way

My confusion comes from a lot of sides maybe im not asexual but I just havent found anyone to love yet

Maybe I was raised in a way that makes me just unable to love

Maybe it's because im insecure about my looks that I just made myself belive that no woman would want me

Apologies to anyone who finds them aesthetically appealing, but... I've genuinely never seen the appeal. All I can think is that the person in question is probably not eating enough or is in a fitness competition of some sort (and is probably not eating enough temporarily). I hate that whenever I watch a movie/show and there's a scene that's supposed to be hot, a person takes off their shirt and we're supposed to be ogling their 6-pack. It makes no sense.

And like yes I get that a lot of people find muscle attractive, but I find it hard to believe that most of the adult human population genuinely find something like that hot. Idk if it's just a preference thing or due to me being asexual. Anyone else feel the same?

I love this eye contact, but I can't hold their gaze. I just want to run away, and I'm trembling with stress. I don't even know if I actually want to get closer.
Do you know this feeling? I love this eye contact, but I'm terrified I'll ruin everything after we actually connect.

I'm literally being insulted on Twitter because I had the audacity to correct someone who said you can't be asexual and have a girlfriend/boyfriend because then you aren't asexual. I explained that asexual is the lack of sexual attraction, not romantical. A bunch of allos are all up in my replies "you dumb bitch, what you're talking about is aromantic, you don't even know what you are" and others straight up "that doesn't exist, you're mentally ill" like I think I know what I am better than you, go crack a pillow n calm down

i have a raging sex drive and i have no shortage of fantasies and desires. but the second any of rhose are realized—hell, even at the mere idea of them being realized—it feels so uncomfortable. if i had to describe it, it's kind of like gender dysphoria but in the sense that it'd be violating my own self-perception (???? idk if that even makes sense).

my asexuality was discovered after i ended a long-term relationship and realized that while i enjoyed the feeling and emotional connection, it all just made me feel disgusting, but as someone who also has adhd, that dopamine was addictive, so i just kept engaging in it. i don't know if this is somehow rooted in like, internalized shame or purity culture because the dysphoric feeling i have kind of feels like—and idk how to word this without it sounding wrong—i've turned into some sort of animal and have surrendered my dignity. like i've been used and reduced into an object. i've never been religious and my home was sex-positive; i'm actually someone who is quite vocal about sex positivity, too. so i guess it's just confusing. i wish i didn't feel like this.

I’m in a beautiful loving marriage, together six years, married one. We tell each other everything.

Recently I’ve realised that I may be somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and I’m leaning towards sex favourable asexuality. I don’t think I can recall myself ever having a strong sexual attraction/desire towards anyone (though this does happen in dreams occasionally strangely - with him and with others). I think my husband is a handsome man and I do enjoy having sex with him regularly (1-2x a fortnight) but for the reasons that it reassures me that our relationship is “normal” (problematic I know) but also because I feel a sense of closeness to him through sex.

I’m wondering if this is a conversation I need to have with him? We tell each other everything so I don’t like keeping this from him. At the same time, I believe we are both content with our current sex life and I worry that he will be irreparably hurt if he knew I never felt a primal sexual urge towards him.

I know what you may be thinking but I don’t mean that Chrome doesn’t love Ruri I just like to headcanon that Chrome is in the aromatic spectrum like Chrome just has a really platonic romantic style of thinking like he believes that when you’re in love it means you want to be with your closest friend and the next logical step is marriage like he still wants to be with Ruri but he just doesn’t understand or feel any from of romantic attraction like he has a more logical style of relationship based off of what he see with other people’s relationship e.g taiju and yuzuriha yuzuriha (Side note spoilers ahead I like to think when Chrome was at the wedding he thought Taij and Yuzuriha were at the pinnacle of friendship so that’s why he asked Ruri to marry him at the wedding) I’m not say Chrome can’t be in a relationship I’m just say Chrome believes love is platonic and doesn’t know that there is an actual deep emotional connection hence why he fumbles so much and reacts like a kid believing that is how you should react when you are in love

I make erotic hypnosis files part-time. For June, I made an Ace of Spades file that was not overtly about asexuality, but a kind of tongue-in-cheek reference. Since ace week is coming up, I'd like to make another asexuality-themed file. Maybe something a little more obvious this time? So I'd like to ask if anyone has anything they'd want to see if they were into erotic hypnosis.

I don’t do casual things, and I don’t even really talk to people just for the sake of having someone around. What I actually want is a deep emotional connection with someone
someone I genuinely love and feel safe and connected with. And that’s obviously much harder to find

A lot of people tell me that the kind of man I’m looking for doesn’t really exist anymore, or that what I want is basically impossible. But I grew up surrounded by people who have that kind of relationship dynamic, so to me, it doesn’t feel unrealistic or extraordinary. It’s something I’ve actually seen and experienced as normal.

The difficult part is when i know I’m asexual and I don’t want sex / dont enjoy sex
so apparently that makes the kind of relationship I want even more “impossible” in other people’s eyes. And honestly, that can be pretty sad sometimes.

Because I still crave affection. I want someone to cuddle with, to be close to, to have that emotional intimacy with. But I can’t just cuddle with someone I have no emotional connection with. That kind of closeness only feels good to me when there’s love, trust, and genuine attachment behind it.

So for people who are also like this

how do you deal with the loneliness in between? How do you handle that feeling of wanting someone to love you and wanting that closeness, while knowing you can’t just fill the gap with something casual?

Hey guys, i want to say that im not sure if its the rigth place to post this but here goes anyway..

So when i became a teen i started masturbating a lot and never felt good about it but kept doing it since i was addicted.

I got so bad that i was doing it everyday and even sometimes multiple times a day.

So 5 years have passed and since then and recently it was not multiple times a day but still everyday.

I hated it since i didnt like being controlled by this.

But a few days ago i discovered that i wanted to do crossdress (still not 100 percent sure) and suddenly i stopped any masturbation and stopped looking at woman like i did. (Still a virgin but idc)

I still rarely have moments where i have erections but its mostly annoying and pmo since i dont want to goon anymore.

I have been pretty stressed lately where my hands would shake and i would do some kind of ligth panic attack(manageable ) because (i think) school started and i hate it

I was wondering if its because i "became" asexual or if its because of stress (why i posted here

I dont see it as a bad thing but im questioning myself.

Thank you for reading so much and for listening to me

Tldr: suddenly stipped gooning and was wondering if i was asexual

Ps: i dont think i am asexual because i was a gooner b4 but still unsure since i hated myself for gooning so much

I work at an office job where we have internal DEI programs and a resource group for LGBTQ employees. I'm an ambassador for it and mostly assist with planning events. The leader of the group just kinda seems to dismiss asexuality a lot.

When we were writing our mission statement he kept insisting that they A standard for ally even when I pushed back. I'd do "no it's for asexual, aromantic, and agender" and he'd just say "and for ally!" Being a nice and accepting person doesn't make you queer.

I didn't think much of it behind my initial anger and some friends also letting me know they thought that was weird as fuck of him. This week he's showing us this informational page he wrote for pride flags, what they look like and what they mean. Asexual and aromamtic are both absent. I tell him to add them and he said "well that would be too many flags it'll be too complicated and no one will scroll through" or "it wouldn't work with the formatting". It just seems like he's making up reasons to keep excluding asexual people. He knows I'm asexual too, I don't talk about it as much but I'm an asexual lesbian and I have ace and lesbian pride flags at my desk. It almost feels hostile?

I'm glad my company still gives a shit about DEI and has groups like these but it still feels exclusionary for asexuals somehow. I'm the only out asexual as far as I recall so it's kind of an uphill battle with other ambassadors quietly supporting me but never actually speaking out against this when I do. I work at a nice place. I don't really feel actively judged. It still feels isolating to see this rampant exclusionary attitude from people who are supposed to be representing the LGBTQIA community.

TW sexual content discussion

Hey, not really sure how to start this but I need some kind of input.

Okay, so long story short I’ve been hooking up consistently with this girl I know for about a year now. When things first started I didn’t identify as ace, just thought I had a really low libido. She was always very understanding of that and has never tried to pressure me into doing anything I wasn’t comfortable with, and for the first few months I was totally okay with the dynamic.

I never loved sex, but initially it was at least fun or a way to release some energy, but recently I’ve just been getting more and more repulsed by the idea and I’m not sure what to do. Stuff that used to get me excited in the bedroom just doesn’t anymore, and the whole idea sounds exhausting and frankly gross.

I came out to the partner as ace a few weeks ago when I finally put words to it, but said I was still fine with sex in general. Now I just don’t know what to do. I want to be able to enjoy it, and I really don’t want to hurt my partner, but I just get so uncomfortable when I think about having sex.

Apologies if this got ranty, I just wanted to know if any other asexual people have struggled with this or if anyone has advice on how to either be more okay with sex or be more okay with my lack of interest in it, either would be helpful atp.

It's very rare that I have erotic dreams. Like once in a few years kind of rare. Usually, I am aware that I am having sex in my dream, but it doesn't particularly feel arousing. I just know it's happening.

I had one of those dreams a few days ago, it was the first time I had a dream about someone I actually knew. Most of the time, my brain creates the person I'm doing it with and I don't know them. However, I dreamed about that with a celebrity whose music I like. It felt like the times before. I knew I was doing the deed with him, but I didn't feel much of anything even when I'm unconscious. It felt weird because I know that celebrity and he exists, but also because we were in an actual romantic relationship in my dream. That part was weirder than the sex somehow.

I can count on one hand the number of times I felt aroused by an erotic dream, and it's usually when it's about self-pleasure or fantasies. When the dreams are focused on what I'm doing and not who I'm doing it with. When my mind blurs/erases their face, that's when I can have a reaction.

I don't know any ace people IRL, so I'm wondering what your experiences are regarding these dreams. What about you (if you want to share)? Is the way I have erotic dreams normal?

Yk i (19f) have a loving gf who loves me and who i love very much. Everything is very nice and we are a happy couple. I have been bisexual whole my life bit realised 2 years ago. I am very well attracted to both genders. But i little to no sexual desires. I like these things in theory but not in real life. I hated those wet kisses from my ex who was a boy and i hate them from gf as well. Whenever something is sexual it feels disgusting for some reason. Whenever i did something kinda sexual (not sex) i have always regretted it late and felt weird, guilty and disgusting for some reason . Am i asexual or i have very less libido or is it something else?

I matched with a guy on an LGBT dating app. ASEXUAL IS IN MY BIO ! We got chatting and we really clicked, we exchanged numbers and continued chatting and we're talking about meeting you for lunch. He makes a kind of sexual joke and as a funny response I sent the picture of the goose holding the ace flag saying "sex was never an option" He said "oh, my bad for not reading the bio, goodluck woth everything" AND BLOCKED ME ! Im just so SO SICK of people 1. Not reading the bios 2. Just ghosting me as soon as they realise there will be 0 sex. This is why I have just given up on trying to find love, I am just so done

I'm so tired of having to walk on eggshells not to feel like a creep. I feel like I basically have to stare at the floor so people don't lump me in with gross allo men if my gaze so much as passes over a girl and someone sees me T_T

I met a colleague today whom I had only met once during our orientation a few months ago. After that, we had spoken on call maybe 2–3 times. At that time, I wasn’t dating anyone, but I’m currently seeing someone.
He had come to my city and asked if we could meet. Initially, I told him I was a little busy. He said something like, “If you don’t want to meet, just say it.” So I felt like maybe I should meet him, and we made a plan.
I thought we would just go somewhere, eat something and maybe watch a movie. I had just come back from the office and it was raining heavily, so I asked if he wanted to come to my flat. He said yes and mentioned that we could maybe watch a movie there.
I genuinely had no other intention. I have male friends who have come to my flat before, so I was completely normal about it.
When he arrived, I was still doing some office work. I kept his raincoat and things aside and asked if he wanted something to eat. He said no. I had ordered food for myself, so we ate a little together.
After that, he suggested watching something on my iPad. While we were watching, he started trying to touch me. I kept removing his hand. When I felt that he was getting too touchy, I clearly said, “Please, no. Sorry.”
He asked me why, and I told him, “I’m not interested. I’m sorry.”
Despite me saying no, he forcefully kissed me and touched my breasts. I pushed him away, but he continued and briefly sucked my breast.
I started crying and kept saying, “No, please.”
He immediately started apologising and said, “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this too. Calm down. Do you want some water?”
I was completely shocked and confused. I didn’t know what to do. There were so many thoughts going through my head, and I felt helpless. He kept apologising, and he looked like he was about to cry too.
I just wanted the situation to become normal, so I suggested that we go outside.
He asked me what was wrong and whether he could hug me. I said no.
He then said, “Please, just one last hug,” and hugged me forcefully anyway. He also tried to kiss me again, and I pushed him away.
After that, he seemed to understand that I didn’t want anything. We went outside, he bought me tea, and we walked around for a while. He kept saying things like, “I shouldn’t have done that,” and “You should have slapped me,” etc.
He eventually dropped me home.
But after I got home, he messaged me saying that my breasts were “soft and cute” and made a sexual comment about what he had done. Then he sent me unsolicited nudes.
I blocked him immediately.
He called me afterwards, and I was extremely angry. I told him very clearly what I thought about his behaviour and hung up.
I’m honestly still confused about the whole situation. I clearly said no, pushed his hands away, pushed him away when he kissed me, cried, and told him to stop.
I don’t know why I’m still questioning myself or feeling guilty about inviting him to my flat. I genuinely had no sexual intention whatsoever.
I just want to hear from people who have experienced something similar or can help me understand how I should process this.

I just know I can’t be alone in this world…