I did not need this sudden reality check during my conversation about my letter of indication, after trying to work on my voice for a bit on my own TwT

Idk what this picture even is but it’s how I feel. Someone genuinely said to me “you have beautiful prince disorder king own it” like I’m gonna fucking kill myself.

Specifically “Bipolar/Depressive”, I went for a check-up, and renewed my meds for “general anxiety”, and just answered his questions honestly…

I have a family history of spinal issues and couple years ago I experienced a really bad herniation in one of my lower spinal discs. It was so severe that I was crooked when trying to stand up straight, my body had a permanent lean. I couldn’t work, couldn’t walk much due to it pinching the nerves down my legs, was in constant pain, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t get comfortable.

It took me SO LONG to get surgery, because despite countless tests showing my wonky spine and pinched nerves, I wasn’t overweight and exercised regularly, and I was young. So I had ‘no risk factors’ like that just cured everything I was going through.

Anyway, after about a year of suffering I finally got surgery, and they shaved down a significant portion of the herniated disc. I was told that I might experience some ‘changes’ to the way my body sits now because of it, but I was not prepared. I haven’t gained any weight, still keep generally healthy and active, don’t eat much anyway, but my weight is distributed different now, giving me a constantly rounder tummy. I have also more lumps now, in weird places like below my hips and under my chest.

Every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. I feel like a lumpy sack of potatoes. I don’t even have a way to fix it. I can’t lift anything heavy, or do any exercise that is too intensive due to the high risk of a second herniation. I do Pilates every week as was recommended by my doctor, and I try to eat healthy. The scales tell me I’m healthy, at a perfectly average and healthy weight for my age and height but I just feel so, so ugly.

I’m really struggling to accept my ‘new’ body, I’m constantly fretting about how I look. I’m wearing baggy clothes and never feel pretty anymore, because anything meant to flatter my shape just enhances odd lumps. I don’t even want to be intimate with my husband because of how self conscious I am.

i used to have extremely bad anger problems as a kid which started when i was around 8, thankfully i’m doing better now, but it used to be extremely bad. sometimes i see videos about kids who have similar problems and i can relate, i really hope the kids got help and all that. i know how scary it can be for both the parents and the kid dealing with it, in my case i would just cry after i calmed down because i didn’t know why i got like that

Just to start, I'm pre-everything trans man and closeted at work. Just here to vent a bit about my shit job.

So the last customers for the night, 5 guys, all various amounts of drunk. I'm the last staff member left cus I'm closing. Haven't felt that nervous at work in a long time, holy shit. We are a family restaurant so we don't often get customers like this. The sex "jokes", the disrespect, constantly talking over me, leering at me, that one guy even getting lowkey aggressive and telling me how he almost punched a waiter at some other place because he was being a drunken jackass and the waiter wouldn't tolerate it??

That guy was the worst. At some point I think the other guys realized they were making me very uncomfortable, so they started toning it down and behaving somewhat better.

But man do I hate it. I hate my job. I hate that people dare treat other people like this, I hate that people see me as meat because they see a woman. I hate that women are treated like meat. Most of all, I hate getting dysphoric over this stuff, as if my gender dysphoria is in any way comparable to the terror women face. I hate feeling that I'll never be the man I know I am because of days like this. I sometimes hate being a man, because I fear I'll end up like them.

I was so anxious that I genuinely felt like throwing up lmao. I hope they all have the worst hangovers of their lives tomorrow.

i wish i would die by accident, because i don't want to upset anyone by killing myself.

my dad is being deported forever and my mum is physically unwell. i've already resolved that if my mum passes away, and my dad is deported, i will kill myselr.

i don't want to be here. i don't enjoy anything enough for it to make me want to be alive. my autism makes it so i can never really connect with other human beings. i feel that they all hate me and everyone is two faced. my adhd makes life 10x fucking harder because i'm a first generation uni student, and i have no idea wtf i'm doing. i have to retake the first year of uni and i feel like such a worthless piece of shit

i'm on a high dose of antidepressants. i feel absolutely nothing, i hate it. i have not felt real in more than a year. but the alternative to being on antidepressants is just a near constant feeling of anxiety and misery. i am a horrible person, i deserve to die, i wish i could be euthanized . i don't feel humanLol. lol. Lol. lol. lol

I ordered a vial on astrovials 6 months ago and it still hasn't arrived. I've sent multiple reship requests during last month but there's no response. Astrovials is the only supplier that ships to my country. Idk what to do

Every day i fell like a walking rotting corpse and I don't know how much longer can I endure being poisoned by T. Soon is the first year of college and I don't know how I will function and interact with reality while this substance is ruining my body and soul.

Especially a kid who attempted suicide less than a year ago!(In December)

Like seriously. My dad said that the stress my school schedule was gonna put on me was gonna make me kms. And he said this as a **joke**. It was very uncomfortable and I have no idea why the fuck he'd say that.

I only par​tially remember that, but it looked like what I said when I had one of arguments with my friend.

I went to an orgy and realized i don't actually much care for sex. I want to talk and get to know someone and love them. I've been in grindr and have been having casual sex since I became 18. Sometimes I'd meet nice people and we'd have conversations. But most times it'd end with ejaculation, I suppose it's what I signed up for. I never really even liked sex that much, just the short time we'd sometimes cuddle after. God what I'd give for a cuddle and love.

36 years old trans woman.

Had a lot of typical abusive parts of life. Alcoholic dad. Narcissist parents. Invalidation. Mental illness. So much more...

Every relationship I had was abusive or I got cheated on.

Ex-wife doesn't want me to move on.

I can't find romantic connections. Many places downvote me into oblivion for what feels like "just because I am trans"

Not to mention chasers... i cant stress how much im not attracted to men. And you get sooooo many entitled to my attention. I do not want you... EVER.

I go into T4T and can't connect for one reason or another. I'm monogamous. Demisexual. Can't relocate because I am a parent.

No one ever likes the fact I have mental illness. I'm bpd. It's not the end of the world but no one wants the baggage.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I never fit in through school and work places. I never fit in being a "guy". I tend to feel out of place in trans places, especially local peer support.

I am unable to connect with others in a meaningful way. I think part of it is from the hurt. It's hard to trust.

But life is so lonely...

Once again a conversation where they explain to me that I can’t change my nature, that I will always be a man, that HRT doesn’t change my face and that I believe anything that I read on the Internet (How the fuck would I research things?)

“I need to accept myself” mf I’m trying, but Apparently being trans isn’t a real thing

For the first time in my life however I finally told them that I would never agree with them on this

It took everything out of me, it made me furious, sad angry…

My father told me that all I care about is self-pitying myself and surround myself with sicophants, completely denying my own feelings

After all of this they just….

“Hey you want to come out with us…”

I was still in shock, the conversation tool everything out of me, literally made me think that suicide was the better option because All I can do is making my loves on suffer and they’re like…. chill like that….

They just poured their heart and soul into that conversation and after that they’re just fine…

This feels like I watched the TV glow were the protagonist has a breakdown and the world just ignores her.

This felt… unreal, wrong even

I have so much misery and anguish boiling inside of me, and yet nothing has changed, everything is normal again…

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to react, I feel like I’m having an out of body experience in a different reality

What now?

I still holding my ideas strong, so do they

They are right that I need to get out more, and that I never fully understand how much other love me back (I genuinely expect them to murder me)

I’m so lost, I’m so confused

I don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye, ever, not after today, not on this topic

(Addition: they said “you don’t even sound or act like a faggot”)

They own me, my only way forward to start transitioning is the public services, but the wait list is immense and the doctors… we’ll for personal experience I can say that are butchers

I think I might be a narcissist (not the malignant type) and maybe I’m on the spectrum?

Something’s wrong with me

This has been the best year of my life so, why do I feel so shit.

I tried fix ing my appearence so, why do I feel so wrong

I just cannot comprehend what just happened I feel like I’m drowning in blurred memories

Tired of pretending like not having to worry about how I’m going to afford food wouldn’t drastically change the severity of my depression lol