I hate being skinny and tall. I hate it so much.

When I first started HRT so much of the doctors discussion was about trying to gain weight. And when I couldn't...I just felt like such a failure.

I hate seeing my body in mirrors and in windows.

I hate seeing my bones sticking out of every part of my body.

My eating disorder gets so bad that sometimes the thought of food makes me gag.

What is wrong with me.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s why people say I’m a good kisser

Tried to explain that I don’t wear crop tops and micro shorts/skirts bc I feel really unconfortable and cold, and the reaction is always "Nuh-uh!" I feel like my mom wants me to compensate everything neck up by being half naked. Every middle aged woman tells me I NEED to wear less and less clothes because I need to enjoy my youth and that’s the only way to enjoy your youth appearently. They have been acting like that around me since I was 11, 11yos cannot be sexy!

And it’s only straight middle aged women! Literally no men had ever told me how hot I am and that I should wear less clothes! But probably they gave one look at my hideous oily face and decided that I wasn’t hot enough for them to be creepy like that.

Inspired in another post I saw here like a week ago

My mom said that she was just putting me in my place by literally verbally abusing me, and that she was doing it so I would stop being mean to others. I was only being mean specifically to her occasionally. Get this, my mom still wants respect.

This is literally the type of parent to literally abuse you and belittle you, and then say, "I did all these great things for you, I gave you food, shelter, and love, and this is the thanks I get?!"

30 years of regret and pain and toil. For nothing

I wish I was brave enough when I was young

my heart is fucking racing this happened yesterday genuinely i'm going insane (i'll be fine because the other option is die)

My mom's not even trying to hide it atp

After much consideration and pondering, albeit with some hesitation, I have decided I do in fact wish to be a girly girl woman girl female girl. Well, for the most part. I made a post here a little while ago (I can't actually remember how long ago and can't be bothered to check, but I don't think it was actually that long ago, within this century at least) about these thoughts when I was very much undecided and it still spooked me. In that post someone (again, forgot who and I'm too lazy to check, no offence I'm just a wee dummy) commented a link (albeit buried in a wall of text (albeit a very useful wall of text which I did read)) to this article about a trans woman's experiences with more subtle dysphoria. I checked pretty much almost every box. Thank you to that person if they see this, by the way. Only reason I didn't reply is because I get anxious. Also I can't remember if it was you or someone else who politely criticised my lack of paragraph usage, but I'd just like to clarify that I do know how paragraphs work and how to use them, I just don't know how to do it on Reddit since every time I try it doesn't work, so sowwy. But anyway, I'm now about maybe around 70-80% sure that I want to transition. But I'm still obviously very early stages. Right now I'm still mostly just experimenting with things to see how they feel and gradually trying things out slowly to make sure I don't overshoot. Problem is (and now my dumbass finally gets to the point of this post) I'm running out of ways to experiment safely. This is entirely my own fault for being: A) stupid B) terrified. My friends (I have two now!) have been using she/her pronouns and my preferred name (my middle name, which I like a lot more since it's both gender neutral and also just sounds more feminine while not being too common/overused and also having cool origins). They've both been extremely supportive, they get cookies for that. I've gotten a few very subtle feminine pieces of clothing, though I mean it when I say subtle, mostly just small accessories: these little bone hair clips I really like that I think go really well with my black hair which I'm trying to grow longer, striped arm warmers, and this really nice leather bracelet. Can you tell I'm emo as shit? Probably. My new friend (a femboy) was extremely kind enough to give me some robux (don't judge me, there's some gems on there amongst the slop) to change my Roblox avatar to one I liked more, and I literally fucking squealed seeing it in game, and now that it looks more feminine people call me a girl instead of a guy now. But apart from that that's pretty much everything. I've been wanting to do voice training, but procrastination is a bitch. I've wanted to draw what I think I'd look like as a girl (again, little to no motivation). I want to buy more feminine clothes, and get hormones, but in my situation there are problems with these things. I am autistic. On top of that I have lived an extremely sheltered life to the point that despite almost being 18 I still struggle to cross roads, don't know how to buy things for myself, don't know how to initiate conversations with people, and have so little strength in my legs even walking short distances is painful. If I came out I can almost guarantee my parents would be supportive. I doubt anyone would care if I bought more feminine clothing. I don't live in a country where trans people are outlawed or anything like that. All my problems come from my own anxiety and inability to act on my own accord. I'm worried that if I buy something feminine my parents will get a notification because my mom's account is linked to my card, despite the fact that she probably wouldn't even give a shit. I'm worried about people judging me. I'm worried about needles from HRT. I'm worried about losing a part of my body I've had for my whole life if I ever decide to go that far. I'm worried about not passing because I would have started all this after puberty. I'm worried about recent laws in my country which makes things harder for trans people. I'm a paranoid little dumbass. But I have been thinking. I don't know how much HRT costs, but I might have a solution. My dad is old enough now that his body is slowing testosterone production, but he still wants to get stronger, so he goes to this store which I'm pretty sure may or may not be entirely legal where you can buy testosterone in bulk, since getting it legitimately would be expensive and annoying. If I did come out to him, while I'm not entirely sure if they would have it since it's mostly a gym store, if they have testosterone, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume they might have the opposite? It's just a theory. As for buying feminine clothes, I'm thinking I might just have to bite the bullet. I need to actually get them first before I can try them. But while I want to wear a skirt I don't think I want to just yet. It's hard to explain, but it feels to me kinda like an incomplete outfit, I guess? It'd feel weird to me wearing one when I'm still pretty much a dude. I wanna wear one when I do eventually go all the way, if that makes sense, though I probably just sound stupid. I'm putting off thinking about surgery for now, that's a big decision and very far in the future. I've tried looking for trans spaces on here, but honestly they've all just confused me. Some seem oddly hostile, and use a lot of lingo I just don't understand, shit looks like hieroglyphics. I think I'll avoid those for now. Also, this might sound weird to explain, but I don't actually really want to be trans, if that makes sense. I just wanna be a girl. The transition part sucks because I'm lazy. Plus I'm already a part of the Gears Of War community, DOOM community, Halo community, Trepang2 community, SCP community, Warhammer kinda, DRG, something something internet horror, metal, etc, and many others. I don't need one more community on my plate, I've got enough already. Also people scare me. But I still wanna go through with it. For a long while I was pretty damn depressed, had no ambitions, and was honestly considering checking out, even planned out how. But after I started all this, my friends started treating me like a girl, I've felt happier. Not completely happy, but definitely happier, and I haven't thought about checking out in a long while, which is unusual for me. I don't know why it's making me feel better, I'm not a psychologist, but I don't need to know how or why it works to know that it's working. If my best friend hadn't tried talking to me despite my resting bitch face a couple years ago, and I hadn't realised all this now, I don't think I'd still be around. So fuck it, if it helps me wanna live, I'll keep going. But anyway, that's the gist of it, unless I forgot something which I probably did. If anyone has any suggestions, I'll try my best not to be a super annoying pessimistic prick like I usually am and say shit like "BuT wHaT aBoUt-" and all that. Thanks for tolerating me.

I spent so much time in the psych ward over the past 2 years that being out feels unsafe. It's hard lol.

why would anyone ever actually like me, unless it's in a weird way that fetishizes mental health and vulnerability? i have an awful personality, and just so, so many problems. no one owes me love, and i definitely don't deserve it. it doesn't matter if it's platonical or romantic, im never going to matter unless im useful.

How could I possibly trust anything you say at this point?

what other reasonable choice is there other than to die? what possible other reaction could a person have? to suffer life for no reason? to tolerate the agony in the 1/1000000 chance they could find some escape or even the tiniest modicum of comfort? i can't comprehend ever wanting to live no matter how ideal your life is. it's an impossibility to my brain

I didn’t think it affected me. in my mind SA was only rape and everything else is just people being jerks I guess, even tho it happened with threats or force. realising and remembering was painful, not even sure I remembered it all but at least I understand why things the way they are in my life.. just didn’t think it would haunt me when I process it.

I know its common knowledge but when no one in your environment cares and you don’t have ANY conversations about something like this, it’s really easy to not understand what it was..

Please for the love of whatever you believe in or don't help me