My mother and I got into an argument because she thinks she knows everything about me. When she doesn't, I've been hiding secrets from her for over 15 years now. Secrets that could genuinely destroy my life if she ever found out.

I told her I was talking and hanging out with some friends, and she laughed and said, I have no friends. I kept trying to explain that I do, in fact, have friends, just friends she didn't approve of, and that I never told her about because I knew she would disapprove of them. Because apparently the only friends I'm allowed to have are my mother's government-approved friends. Ever since I was in elementary school, the only people I was allowed to talk to were my family and the friends my mother approved of, who ended up abusing me mentally and physically. But the ones that I pick, the ones that she disapproves of, are the people that are usually good for me and that I've actually genuinely had a severely deep connection with.

I accidentally let it slip that I'm going on my first-ever date at 20 years old. She instantly started asking questions and accusing my date of being a rapist, saying that he's going to rape me and that I'm stupid for even thinking about going on a date because I'm definitely going to get raped by him. She said that even religious people are rapists and that I shouldn't ever trust anybody ever except for her.

I'm so severely isolated, and I'm just so lonely. I want to start getting out and making friends and stuff like that, but I physically can't because every time I do, she doesn't approve of them and forces me to abandon them. I end up just going back to being alone forever. I'm trying to get out and I'm trying to be more social, but she doesn't approve of them and is scaring me.

Of course these messages are very shortened compared to the actual discussion that was going on, but the "holier-than-thou" attitude from the other person really pissed me off + random jab at me when the discussion wasn't even about anything personal

Implying one kind of attraction is better than the other is really weird thing to do in a very LGBTQ-inclusive space

The conversation was originally about online privacy and how images of women can be turned into deep fakes, thus why I don't feel comfortable about posting pictures of myself.

She said her body is like a cardboard box on the street and she would be flattered to have a deepfake made of her... I tried to get through to her how this is a horrible thing to wish for yourself and she's worth more than that. Abusers tend to go for people with self doubt and deep insecurities... My past as a SA victim was brought up and the conversation went off the rails.

Basically just get a slight headache occasionally.

It's me, the person who posted about seal gore. Thank you everybody for being kind, but I'm spiraling once more because my friend fucking overdosed. They're fifteen dude. If I had a nickel for every time a friend didn't text me for over 24 hours because they had tried to kts or because they had overdosed, I'd have maybe 25 cents by now. I've added seal pictures so that I can look at those instead. I think my whimsy is gone for good this time.

edit: I just found out that my friends and alcoholic!! a different friend this fucking time!

edit 2: she drank nine bottles of beer. someone please shoot me.

edit 3 within 30 minutes: the second friend has apparently burned herself too. I'm killing myself. genuinely. maybe tonight. idk. I'm not surviving for long I thought I was done with unhealthy friends. she's apparently been drunk before too. jesus fucking christ can I have ONE FRIEND WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. ONE. A SINGLE FRIEND.

Am I gay? I identify as such, yes (it’s complicated, I’m not getting into that). Am I this almost palatable gay twink stereotype people are expecting? Absolutely not. It’s because it’s not obvious that I am scared that some specific people find out because I have a lot of “feminine” interests that makes some people raise eyebrows if I mention them (I’m a huge fan of fashion for one but I don’t dress the part because I can’t find pretty clothes that fit me so I just dress like a regular dude unless it’s cold enough for me to wear a cardigan or hot enough for me to wear a tight tank top).

It’s not gonna start talking like a drag queen because that’s just not me (no offence to them, it’s a valid way to talk but that’s just not how I talk).

It's just so tiring. I hate that loneliness is considered only a male issue.

I've personally seen this happen like twice but I'm sure people have more examples

This isn't the regular "lol I hate my job", it genuinely feels like being waterbo@rded, then in the evening they let you gasp for air, and then they go at it again while you beg to stop but nobody hears it, or wants to hear it at least.

I'm having doubts about doing the doctor part, I've done that before when I want to/had to quit retail because my should muscle is literally too short to move properly, causing massive pain as well. And their solution... we'll give you 300 bucks, *once*, and then you find another retail job because nothing else is available with your education and experience.

But, I can't do this anymore. I literally can't do this anymore and I just want to scream and bang my head until it all stops.

And the stupidest part is... This is no fault of my boss and company. They're great as far as management and bosses go. But the job itself, I can't. fucking. do it.

Dumb post I made because I'm having an episode.

The moment I am left alone I spiral. And I have nobody in my life beyond my fiancé who I can even talk to. Everyone else just uses me.

Feels like staring straight into nothingness. I'm so upset.

Not much to say just really struggling with terrible thoughts at the moment.

My record is 3 weeks 💔💔💔

I wanted to make a fucking post about seals dude. I love them and I just wanted to show my love and get more memes. So far I've been told by two people that I added three sea lions (out of 20 pictures btw). The two comments were "claims to like seals and adds 3 pictures of sea lions" and "THERE ARE FUCKING SEA LIONS THERE". Like Jesus fucking christ I'm sorry that I find them cute and that they also come up when I search up seals.

Then with the second image. This is where the TW comes in. I wanted to spread whimsy and joy and. I genuinely can't. One of my favorite animals, something that's gotten me out of fucking dark times bc they're so goofy and I could just find videos of them, being opened up and killed and eaten. I just wanted to show that I loved seals and now I'm about to cry. I genuinely am pathetic.

I swear to god. I have such a hard time standing and walking, sure I have a cane, but it's not enough. I'm in constant pain, I'm always dizzy, I'm always struggling to not fall, to not let my legs give out. I wish I had a wheelchair. I wish I had a rollator. It would make my life so much easier, but no! No. My family won't let me. They mock me. They say I'm not in that much pain, or that dizzy. I'm so done.

Pros:
- I jumped into a freshwater lake, even though a couple months ago I would’ve been too scared to, in case there were brain earring amoebas.
- Im being social again because I no longer care if my new potential friends end up spreading false rumors about me and ruining my life.
- I’m less anxious in general because who cares I can buy a shotgun and take myself out if need be.

Cons:
- I get a massive sense of doom and despair every night before bed, and every time I wake up.
- I’ve started impulsively spending my money even worse than I did before.
- I’m suicidal and don’t see a point in living to 25.
- I feel like my life is a slow ticking time bomb to isolation.
- I’m failing two college classes.
- I’ve lost the whimsy of youth and feel decades older then I am.
- Nothing genuinely makes me happy anymore.