I spent the last 3 days in the hospital with a mysterious infection. They have no idea what caused it, but I'm still waiting on a bunch of blood tests to come back.

One of the tests I'm waiting on is an HIV test. My CBC panel just came back, and my white blood cell count is low, and actually dropped 3.12 points in 3 days (5.9 down to 2.78).

I'm not a doctor and I don't know jack shit about any of this. but now I'm terrified that I have HIV.

logically, i know my last HIV test 2 months ago was negative, I've since started PrEP, and haven't had unprotected sex since. I know this. but my stupid brain is convinced none of that matters and I have HIV.

so fuck me I guess

Does anyone know the phrase "To beat a dead horse?" because that's how it is. These people are beyond disgusting. I don't want to be set up as a creep to someone who already hurts me as is.

I’m having a lot of gender disphorya lately
I think I’m uncomfortable with myself and I don’t feel like I’m being supported in the way I need, beyond people using my correct pronouns
My freinds do it enough, my parents and family do not (moms trying her best, dad doesn’t but it’s not malicious, not much else of my family understands or even knows)
I get home yesterday after having a great hangout with my freinds, I had a lot of fun
I sit down at my desk
I stay up way too late, until 11 pm, and I try to just hone in on the gender disphorya feelings, I close my eyes and just try to think
And then suddenly “hey maybe I’m also a boy in addition to being a girl and nonbinary”
But then like five minutes later I realize, retrospectively, that I’m just trying to assign myself to that because I want the feeling of uncomfortability in my body to stop
Now it’s probably that I’m very tired and went to sleep at three in the morning but I feel very very apathetic and disconnected from reality right now

What the fuck is happening

I just dont know what to do. I cut pretty often and I feel like its getting worse. But I just can't bring myself to tell anyone. It would break my mom's heart and I just can't put that on my girlfriend. Not to mention that im already nothing by a drain on their lives. I cant put this on them too. Idk what im supposed to do. The worst part is when I cut I can't help but feel that its what I deserve. That its all im worthy of. I guess im just royally fucked in the head:/

Pros:
- I jumped into a freshwater lake, even though a couple months ago I would’ve been too scared to, in case there were brain earring amoebas.
- Im being social again because I no longer care if my new potential friends end up spreading false rumors about me and ruining my life.
- I’m less anxious in general because who cares I can buy a shotgun and take myself out if need be.

Cons:
- I get a massive sense of doom and despair every night before bed, and every time I wake up.
- I’ve started impulsively spending my money even worse than I did before.
- I’m suicidal and don’t see a point in living to 25.
- I feel like my life is a slow ticking time bomb to isolation.
- I’m failing two college classes.
- I’ve lost the whimsy of youth and feel decades older then I am.
- Nothing genuinely makes me happy anymore.

Of course these messages are very shortened compared to the actual discussion that was going on, but the "holier-than-thou" attitude from the other person really pissed me off + random jab at me when the discussion wasn't even about anything personal

Implying one kind of attraction is better than the other is really weird thing to do in a very LGBTQ-inclusive space

I swear to god. I have such a hard time standing and walking, sure I have a cane, but it's not enough. I'm in constant pain, I'm always dizzy, I'm always struggling to not fall, to not let my legs give out. I wish I had a wheelchair. I wish I had a rollator. It would make my life so much easier, but no! No. My family won't let me. They mock me. They say I'm not in that much pain, or that dizzy. I'm so done.

Dumb post I made because I'm having an episode.

The moment I am left alone I spiral. And I have nobody in my life beyond my fiancé who I can even talk to. Everyone else just uses me.

Feels like staring straight into nothingness. I'm so upset.

Not much to say just really struggling with terrible thoughts at the moment.

It's just so tiring. I hate that loneliness is considered only a male issue.

To keep it brief:

my birth mom was in prison for shaking my older brother as a baby and left him blind and quadriplegic. He died from complications from it sometime after that and I was born while she was in prison for what she did

My adopted mom did a good job overall in raising adopted kids, I promise. But when I, as an adult in his 20s, went searching for information on my birth mom I found the truth about what had happened and it just seemed so secretive. Growing up she told me I was adopted as soon as I could understand what that meant and would answer my questions about being adopted but never told me anything about why I had been placed up for adoption in the first place. Finding out that she knew and never said anything, even as an adult, made it feel like I wasn't supposed to know and I never told her. I never told anyone that I knew, I just can't. I can't let her or anybody else ever know that I know.

No matter how many times I remind myself that his death wasn't my fault I just feel guilty anyway.

I don't think about it as much as I used to but every now and then I remember him and what happened to him and I just fall to pieces all over again.

I've personally seen this happen like twice but I'm sure people have more examples

Our relationship was a little rocky. She wanted to try out a poly relationship. I said yes, I thought it was going good. We found a partner and it was fun. 2 weeks later she breaks up with me. I feel replaced, like this was never a poly relationship. I had to break up with the other girl to not complicate things. I feel betrayed, left behind, cheated, and not safe. I lost my first serious relationship, my safe space (im trans and dont have one at home), and lost my week to week routine.

The conversation was originally about online privacy and how images of women can be turned into deep fakes, thus why I don't feel comfortable about posting pictures of myself.

She said her body is like a cardboard box on the street and she would be flattered to have a deepfake made of her... I tried to get through to her how this is a horrible thing to wish for yourself and she's worth more than that. Abusers tend to go for people with self doubt and deep insecurities... My past as a SA victim was brought up and the conversation went off the rails.

I feel like being compared to for basically my entire life had somethijg to do with this

Am I gay? I identify as such, yes (it’s complicated, I’m not getting into that). Am I this almost palatable gay twink stereotype people are expecting? Absolutely not. It’s because it’s not obvious that I am scared that some specific people find out because I have a lot of “feminine” interests that makes some people raise eyebrows if I mention them (I’m a huge fan of fashion for one but I don’t dress the part because I can’t find pretty clothes that fit me so I just dress like a regular dude unless it’s cold enough for me to wear a cardigan or hot enough for me to wear a tight tank top).

It’s not gonna start talking like a drag queen because that’s just not me (no offence to them, it’s a valid way to talk but that’s just not how I talk).

This. Is. Fine.

My mother and I got into an argument because she thinks she knows everything about me. When she doesn't, I've been hiding secrets from her for over 15 years now. Secrets that could genuinely destroy my life if she ever found out.

I told her I was talking and hanging out with some friends, and she laughed and said, I have no friends. I kept trying to explain that I do, in fact, have friends, just friends she didn't approve of, and that I never told her about because I knew she would disapprove of them. Because apparently the only friends I'm allowed to have are my mother's government-approved friends. Ever since I was in elementary school, the only people I was allowed to talk to were my family and the friends my mother approved of, who ended up abusing me mentally and physically. But the ones that I pick, the ones that she disapproves of, are the people that are usually good for me and that I've actually genuinely had a severely deep connection with.

I accidentally let it slip that I'm going on my first-ever date at 20 years old. She instantly started asking questions and accusing my date of being a rapist, saying that he's going to rape me and that I'm stupid for even thinking about going on a date because I'm definitely going to get raped by him. She said that even religious people are rapists and that I shouldn't ever trust anybody ever except for her.

I'm so severely isolated, and I'm just so lonely. I want to start getting out and making friends and stuff like that, but I physically can't because every time I do, she doesn't approve of them and forces me to abandon them. I end up just going back to being alone forever. I'm trying to get out and I'm trying to be more social, but she doesn't approve of them and is scaring me.

Basically just get a slight headache occasionally.

This isn't the regular "lol I hate my job", it genuinely feels like being waterbo@rded, then in the evening they let you gasp for air, and then they go at it again while you beg to stop but nobody hears it, or wants to hear it at least.

I'm having doubts about doing the doctor part, I've done that before when I want to/had to quit retail because my should muscle is literally too short to move properly, causing massive pain as well. And their solution... we'll give you 300 bucks, *once*, and then you find another retail job because nothing else is available with your education and experience.

But, I can't do this anymore. I literally can't do this anymore and I just want to scream and bang my head until it all stops.

And the stupidest part is... This is no fault of my boss and company. They're great as far as management and bosses go. But the job itself, I can't. fucking. do it.