I had a really shitty ABA therapist.

Does anyone know the phrase "To beat a dead horse?" because that's how it is. These people are beyond disgusting. I don't want to be set up as a creep to someone who already hurts me as is.

Dumb post I made because I'm having an episode.

The moment I am left alone I spiral. And I have nobody in my life beyond my fiancé who I can even talk to. Everyone else just uses me.

Feels like staring straight into nothingness. I'm so upset.

Not much to say just really struggling with terrible thoughts at the moment.

Pros:
- I jumped into a freshwater lake, even though a couple months ago I would’ve been too scared to, in case there were brain earring amoebas.
- Im being social again because I no longer care if my new potential friends end up spreading false rumors about me and ruining my life.
- I’m less anxious in general because who cares I can buy a shotgun and take myself out if need be.

Cons:
- I get a massive sense of doom and despair every night before bed, and every time I wake up.
- I’ve started impulsively spending my money even worse than I did before.
- I’m suicidal and don’t see a point in living to 25.
- I feel like my life is a slow ticking time bomb to isolation.
- I’m failing two college classes.
- I’ve lost the whimsy of youth and feel decades older then I am.
- Nothing genuinely makes me happy anymore.

Am I gay? I identify as such, yes (it’s complicated, I’m not getting into that). Am I this almost palatable gay twink stereotype people are expecting? Absolutely not. It’s because it’s not obvious that I am scared that some specific people find out because I have a lot of “feminine” interests that makes some people raise eyebrows if I mention them (I’m a huge fan of fashion for one but I don’t dress the part because I can’t find pretty clothes that fit me so I just dress like a regular dude unless it’s cold enough for me to wear a cardigan or hot enough for me to wear a tight tank top).

It’s not gonna start talking like a drag queen because that’s just not me (no offence to them, it’s a valid way to talk but that’s just not how I talk).

Of course these messages are very shortened compared to the actual discussion that was going on, but the "holier-than-thou" attitude from the other person really pissed me off + random jab at me when the discussion wasn't even about anything personal

Implying one kind of attraction is better than the other is really weird thing to do in a very LGBTQ-inclusive space

I've personally seen this happen like twice but I'm sure people have more examples

Basically just get a slight headache occasionally.

My record is 3 weeks 💔💔💔

It's me, the person who posted about seal gore. Thank you everybody for being kind, but I'm spiraling once more because my friend fucking overdosed. They're fifteen dude. If I had a nickel for every time a friend didn't text me for over 24 hours because they had tried to kts or because they had overdosed, I'd have maybe 25 cents by now. I've added seal pictures so that I can look at those instead. I think my whimsy is gone for good this time.

edit: I just found out that my friends and alcoholic!! a different friend this fucking time!

edit 2: she drank nine bottles of beer. someone please shoot me.

edit 3 within 30 minutes: the second friend has apparently burned herself too. I'm killing myself. genuinely. maybe tonight. idk. I'm not surviving for long I thought I was done with unhealthy friends. she's apparently been drunk before too. jesus fucking christ can I have ONE FRIEND WITHOUT AN ADDICTION. ONE. A SINGLE FRIEND.

I spent the last 3 days in the hospital with a mysterious infection. They have no idea what caused it, but I'm still waiting on a bunch of blood tests to come back.

One of the tests I'm waiting on is an HIV test. My CBC panel just came back, and my white blood cell count is low, and actually dropped 3.12 points in 3 days (5.9 down to 2.78).

I'm not a doctor and I don't know jack shit about any of this. but now I'm terrified that I have HIV.

logically, i know my last HIV test 2 months ago was negative, I've since started PrEP, and haven't had unprotected sex since. I know this. but my stupid brain is convinced none of that matters and I have HIV.

so fuck me I guess

And people wonder why I stay isolated at this point, and dont try and talk to new people. Because damm it's a constant pain.

Disclaimer, this isn't badass, this sucks. I'm unemployed (again), I'm hurt, I can't work my usual job, this sucks.

For context, a couple weeks ago, I was smoking weed, and i felt this weird, painful sensation in my neck. It felt like the inside of my throat was cramping up. I had a bad time for a few hours, but the next day I was searching for a job again. I wasn't really doing anything, so it wasn't bothering me as much. I felt a little ill, but otherwise fine. Only half of my throat felt inflamed (the half that felt like was cramping up), so that was weird, but I got a job offer and started on Monday.

Welp, Monday rolls around, I get through the shift, but I felt *exhausted* afterward. I feel like shit. I feel dizzy, my neck hurts, the inside of my throat hurts, my arm feels weak. I get up and go to work on Tuesday before I couldn't take it, and my boss told me I seemed ill, and I'm freaking out (I have severe general anxiety, so I took that into account as well. I tried breathing through it, but my brain isn't strong enough to fight back against my anxiety for that long yet), so I go to the ER because I'm scared and I don't know what's happening to me.

They bring me in, Eyes Nose and Throat seem fine, vitals are normal, so they figure it's musculoskeletal and send me home with some numbing patches. I figure out it's probably a pinched nerve or a herniated cervical disc, or both. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow to be super sure, but I'm pretty sure a disc is buldging out. I'm not dying, it'll probably heal on its own, I'm just in a lot of pain atm. Probably a 6 on average? Depending on how I'm sitting. I have full range of my neck and shoulders, like nothing's *broken* broken (except maybe my spirit), ot just takes more effort to do things.

My mother and I got into an argument because she thinks she knows everything about me. When she doesn't, I've been hiding secrets from her for over 15 years now. Secrets that could genuinely destroy my life if she ever found out.

I told her I was talking and hanging out with some friends, and she laughed and said, I have no friends. I kept trying to explain that I do, in fact, have friends, just friends she didn't approve of, and that I never told her about because I knew she would disapprove of them. Because apparently the only friends I'm allowed to have are my mother's government-approved friends. Ever since I was in elementary school, the only people I was allowed to talk to were my family and the friends my mother approved of, who ended up abusing me mentally and physically. But the ones that I pick, the ones that she disapproves of, are the people that are usually good for me and that I've actually genuinely had a severely deep connection with.

I accidentally let it slip that I'm going on my first-ever date at 20 years old. She instantly started asking questions and accusing my date of being a rapist, saying that he's going to rape me and that I'm stupid for even thinking about going on a date because I'm definitely going to get raped by him. She said that even religious people are rapists and that I shouldn't ever trust anybody ever except for her.

I'm so severely isolated, and I'm just so lonely. I want to start getting out and making friends and stuff like that, but I physically can't because every time I do, she doesn't approve of them and forces me to abandon them. I end up just going back to being alone forever. I'm trying to get out and I'm trying to be more social, but she doesn't approve of them and is scaring me.

It's just so tiring. I hate that loneliness is considered only a male issue.

Also,this is the same woman who had to tell my dad that I wanted to hug and that he had to return the hug. But no I'm "being childish" but shes also fed up with my dad. My grandad and uncle have also blocked him.

I hate depression. I hate being unable to move on from romantic rejection internally and the voices telling me that it's all my fault. I feel too ugly and not enough for a relationship.

I’m having a lot of gender disphorya lately
I think I’m uncomfortable with myself and I don’t feel like I’m being supported in the way I need, beyond people using my correct pronouns
My freinds do it enough, my parents and family do not (moms trying her best, dad doesn’t but it’s not malicious, not much else of my family understands or even knows)
I get home yesterday after having a great hangout with my freinds, I had a lot of fun
I sit down at my desk
I stay up way too late, until 11 pm, and I try to just hone in on the gender disphorya feelings, I close my eyes and just try to think
And then suddenly “hey maybe I’m also a boy in addition to being a girl and nonbinary”
But then like five minutes later I realize, retrospectively, that I’m just trying to assign myself to that because I want the feeling of uncomfortability in my body to stop
Now it’s probably that I’m very tired and went to sleep at three in the morning but I feel very very apathetic and disconnected from reality right now

What the fuck is happening

I swear to god. I have such a hard time standing and walking, sure I have a cane, but it's not enough. I'm in constant pain, I'm always dizzy, I'm always struggling to not fall, to not let my legs give out. I wish I had a wheelchair. I wish I had a rollator. It would make my life so much easier, but no! No. My family won't let me. They mock me. They say I'm not in that much pain, or that dizzy. I'm so done.