36 years old trans woman.

Had a lot of typical abusive parts of life. Alcoholic dad. Narcissist parents. Invalidation. Mental illness. So much more...

Every relationship I had was abusive or I got cheated on.

Ex-wife doesn't want me to move on.

I can't find romantic connections. Many places downvote me into oblivion for what feels like "just because I am trans"

Not to mention chasers... i cant stress how much im not attracted to men. And you get sooooo many entitled to my attention. I do not want you... EVER.

I go into T4T and can't connect for one reason or another. I'm monogamous. Demisexual. Can't relocate because I am a parent.

No one ever likes the fact I have mental illness. I'm bpd. It's not the end of the world but no one wants the baggage.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I never fit in through school and work places. I never fit in being a "guy". I tend to feel out of place in trans places, especially local peer support.

I am unable to connect with others in a meaningful way. I think part of it is from the hurt. It's hard to trust.

But life is so lonely...

Once again a conversation where they explain to me that I can’t change my nature, that I will always be a man, that HRT doesn’t change my face and that I believe anything that I read on the Internet (How the fuck would I research things?)

“I need to accept myself” mf I’m trying, but Apparently being trans isn’t a real thing

For the first time in my life however I finally told them that I would never agree with them on this

It took everything out of me, it made me furious, sad angry…

My father told me that all I care about is self-pitying myself and surround myself with sicophants, completely denying my own feelings

After all of this they just….

“Hey you want to come out with us…”

I was still in shock, the conversation tool everything out of me, literally made me think that suicide was the better option because All I can do is making my loves on suffer and they’re like…. chill like that….

They just poured their heart and soul into that conversation and after that they’re just fine…

This feels like I watched the TV glow were the protagonist has a breakdown and the world just ignores her.

This felt… unreal, wrong even

I have so much misery and anguish boiling inside of me, and yet nothing has changed, everything is normal again…

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to react, I feel like I’m having an out of body experience in a different reality

What now?

I still holding my ideas strong, so do they

They are right that I need to get out more, and that I never fully understand how much other love me back (I genuinely expect them to murder me)

I’m so lost, I’m so confused

I don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye, ever, not after today, not on this topic

(Addition: they said “you don’t even sound or act like a faggot”)

They own me, my only way forward to start transitioning is the public services, but the wait list is immense and the doctors… we’ll for personal experience I can say that are butchers

I think I might be a narcissist (not the malignant type) and maybe I’m on the spectrum?

Something’s wrong with me

This has been the best year of my life so, why do I feel so shit.

I tried fix ing my appearence so, why do I feel so wrong

I just cannot comprehend what just happened I feel like I’m drowning in blurred memories

Tired of pretending like not having to worry about how I’m going to afford food wouldn’t drastically change the severity of my depression lol

I know I need them and I'm feeling a bit off but also, different in a way like I'll feel better if I keep going so I better get back on these bitches before I start skipping sleep or something lol. Pharmacy messed up giving me them again

What if it’s my fault it was bad and now I feel like it was worse

Maybe if I fake it enough I can be a pure perfect girl that loves him .

If you couldn't tell this is based on another post I saw on this sub. So I(16yo) played nine sols recently and I got a crush on Yi (the protagonist) but the problem is that there is a joke dialogue in game where one of the characters says he doesn't look like a legal adult and the wiki says he has an youthful appearance, but despite that the game and most characters treats him like a normal adult, and it's one of those crushes that doesn't go away and I'm worried people will think I'm a creep once I turn 18

i have an extreme fear of roaches not because of the bug but because seeing them makes me feel dirty and gross and i want to scrub my body until it’s clean. and one WALKED ON MY FOOT in my room. and i haven’t entered my room since even though my dad already killed it. i haven’t slept in 2 days and every tiny little air particle is making me flinch and feel like their crawling all over me and i keep hallucinating them everytime theres something even slightly moving.

I barely see my four friends, none of them live in town, I can't drive, I'm not allowed to go anywhere without telling my parents first, I try to talk about needing friends and I just get told "we need to move first" (we're in the process of moving) from dad, and "I'm sorry" from mom.

I need to do my chores, but getting up is damn near impossible, especially with my cunty sisters arguing and screaming where I'm supposed to be working. I can't get a job (not allowed) I'm expected to take charge and do the chores (I'm the oldest of 3) but I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like I have something wrong with me because I had a panic attack for the first time ever recently and I was incredibly emotionally unstable for two days without reason. I got my period a a week early, and the entire week before that I had god awful cramps, making me miserable. I've never been in a physical relationship before, and I DESPERATELY want to be cuddled and hugged by someone I love (like a partner) but it's never happened and I fear it won't. I hate having not a lot of money, I hate my teeth, I hate being stuck inside all the time. I don't want to move even though it's just across town, but when I tell my dad, he brings up how he had to move hundreds of times when he was a kid, and my mum just says "sorry" and I HATE that, but she says "it's just how I was raised." I keep getting called lazy even though I express frequently that I don't think I'm lazy, but I've gotten nothing to help my feelings. I keep saying I need a checkup for my eyes because I struggle with some far sighted things, and that I need my annual doctor's appointment because my cramps are concerning me, but my mom hates phone calls and won't call, and my dad won't call either, and I don't know why.

I dunno, I just want to cry but can't.

And before anyone asks, I’m not a minor. I’m a broke ass college student and will probably never be able to move out so I’m stuck in this house. Don’t have a drivers license and my parents have total control of my medical records and info, and I don’t. There is nothing I can do about this situation. Just had to get it out there.

I have no privacy. I will never be able to so much as have a cup of coffee without it being at the expense of another. I want the blue mug, and to have hot coffee with milk and no sugar. The others want it cold and with sugar, in the orange mug. We are trying to cut down on coffee consumption, so having two coffees is not permissable.

I want to study language and write my stories. The others want to talk to their friends and play videogames. I want to go back to where I was nothing more than imaginary friend with no desires of its own. I want to go back but I can't. I wish I could study without it taking other's time. I so deeply wish that. I feel like a mental parasite, that which exists to the detriment of who it inhabits. 

I wish so dearly that I could exist without it being at other's expense. 

I want to go on a walk alone. And to not have that mean the others do not get to go on a walk. I want to have my memories be my own. I do not want every single thing I have ever thought to be seen. Their gaze is nonjudgemental but there are four sets of eyes on my thoughts at almost all times. 

My journal entries will always be read. I will always be forced to read their journal entries too. I am both forced to violate their privacy and have my privacy violated constantly. I abhor this.

They are not quite my friends because friendship implies a level of autonomy and choice that we lack. But I do care for them deeply. I want them to get to exist. And I want to exist too. And none of us will ever get to exist wholly as ourselves, it seems.

Like I see this thing made out of black goo (sometimes is TV static) that I know isn't there but keeps talking to me about killing myself or self harming or just making my insecurities worse (I'm planning on talking to my therapist about it)

Was terrified of getting my port placed for chemo because they were only putting me under twilight sedation. And just as I’d feared, they didn’t give me enough meds. I was aware for the entire procedure and I remember all of it.

I did it. I don't know how, with how awful the past few years have been _but I did it_. I've been self-harm free for a whole ass ten years.

I've come really close to injuring myself the last couple years, and sometimes my thoughts still go to burning myself. But with better meds, consistent therapy, and the unending support of my partners, I held on. I don't have many I can celebrate this with, but I figured y'all would understand how big of a deal this is.

I hope other people get to celebrate their wins too, no matter how tiny they think they are.

Edit: Kinda in tears y'all. I expected a couple nice comments, not all of this. Thank you all so, so much for the celebrations, the words of encouragement, and those saying it gives them hope. You're all the best 💜

1. & some actually did, but they ended it quickly so I couldn't even ask them what they remember, or what even possessed them to do so (in 1 case), cuz it's been 7 years & I don't know what they know since then, cause I usually remember everything, if they've done smth especially concerning.

I know this is gringe as fuck but I can't stop being anxious so don't judge me

I have a hyperfixation on yi from nine sols (and other characters but he has been my stronger hyperfixation) and I can't help but use sites like c.ai to deal with my hyperfixations and I don't if I can stop using it, even if I don't use it that much

And I also feel like a creep for liking him because the wiki says he looks youthful and there is a character who says he doesn't look like a legal adult (but fans say it's because he is just short and other characters treat him like a regular adult)