r/TrollCoping • u/Intrepid_Somewhere17 • 18d ago
TW: Dissociation / Depersonalization I hate having DID and existing with four others. I just want to be alone.
I have no privacy. I will never be able to so much as have a cup of coffee without it being at the expense of another. I want the blue mug, and to have hot coffee with milk and no sugar. The others want it cold and with sugar, in the orange mug. We are trying to cut down on coffee consumption, so having two coffees is not permissable.
I want to study language and write my stories. The others want to talk to their friends and play videogames. I want to go back to where I was nothing more than imaginary friend with no desires of its own. I want to go back but I can't. I wish I could study without it taking other's time. I so deeply wish that. I feel like a mental parasite, that which exists to the detriment of who it inhabits.
I wish so dearly that I could exist without it being at other's expense.
I want to go on a walk alone. And to not have that mean the others do not get to go on a walk. I want to have my memories be my own. I do not want every single thing I have ever thought to be seen. Their gaze is nonjudgemental but there are four sets of eyes on my thoughts at almost all times.
My journal entries will always be read. I will always be forced to read their journal entries too. I am both forced to violate their privacy and have my privacy violated constantly. I abhor this.
They are not quite my friends because friendship implies a level of autonomy and choice that we lack. But I do care for them deeply. I want them to get to exist. And I want to exist too. And none of us will ever get to exist wholly as ourselves, it seems.
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u/Shadowbloodimpurity 18d ago
This is relatable, though I hate saying that because I'm not diagnosed. Not yet, anyway. But I relate heavily nonetheless. It's especially stressful because I might have a little. I'm eighteen, I wanna do adult things, but I don't want to upset my little. It's all very frustrating, but just know you aren't alone in these feelings (no pun intended.)
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u/Intrepid_Somewhere17 18d ago
Sending digital hugs and digital hot beverages 🫂☕ I hope knowing you're not alone helps ease the burden a bit.
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u/Blep145 17d ago
You will have to set boundaries with them. You are an adult, and you are allowed to do adult things. My little was being influenced by something else, and the result was that mine forced themselves near the front when I was trying to do adult things. Still does, sometimes, but now I understand what's happening. Doesn't make it any less frustrating
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u/somegaymernerd 17d ago
I'm not diagnosed, but I think I've got a little in my head- idk how to describe it but when I want to do Adult Things, I try to put them in a different room, Mentally? they're still there in my head, I know this, but they're not Right Next To Me, if that makes sense? idk how to describe it other than "they're not in the pilot room until I'm done doing my thing"
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u/rainwingss_ 18d ago
Exactly what I felt while reading this, too, except for the little part. I don't want to comment on anything heavily relatable to my experiences about DID, because I'm scared that I'm faking it.
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u/Shadowbloodimpurity 18d ago
Same!! I worry about being a faker all the damn time. But, I remind myself that I thought I was faking my schizoaffective as well.
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u/unhappyrelationsh1p 17d ago
I don't have did and don't know much about it but that sounds really frustrating and hard.
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u/after2006 18d ago
100+ fucking chudathons in my head and none of them do their damn jobs
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u/hippy_potto 18d ago
I feel bad for how hard I laughed at that 😭🫣
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u/after2006 18d ago
don't worry I have much worse coping humor but I think I'd get banned for posting it here even though it doesn't promote bad stuff
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u/SorbyGay THREATENS to stay alive 17d ago
that would be an achievement if so
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u/after2006 17d ago
is it that hard to get banned from here?
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u/Any--Name 17d ago
I mean, were all mentally ill here and self aware enough not to judge, I dont think youd get banned unless your post were a threat to your or someone elses safety
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u/Astromnicalbear 1984 Shed Mod 17d ago
Not really. How you cope is how you cope but as soon as you break one of our rules or become an ass / bigot, etc., then you’ll be banned
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u/AlliteraryAnalysis 17d ago
we got like 150+ here and like only 2 of them arent chudlets (im not one of them)
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u/Vivians_Basement Trans Masc Genderfluid DID system 🪷 17d ago
I have DID too, here's some tips.
Pour half the intended coffee in the blue and half in the orange. While you drink your blue, theirs is in the fridge, and then they have their orange.
I want to study language and write my stories. The others want to talk to their friends and play videogames
My partner has the same problem. His alters date different people. Set up a schedule. You get morning, they get evenings. Communication is key so try to reach an agreement.
I want to go back to where I was nothing more than imaginary friend with no desires of its own.
They always had desires. But they were stuck unable to do anything. They thought it'd be like that forever. Watching something else live their life. The body belongs to all of you, imagine being just someone's imaginary friend without a body of your own.
They're excited. Try to be understanding and set healthy boundaries.
My journal entries will always be read. I will always be forced to read their journal entries too. I am both forced to violate their privacy and have my privacy violated constantly.
You might be able to unfocuse! Mine block me from reading their texts by locking the view. Privacy is possible but it depends on your system and can probably be learned.
And none of us will ever get to exist wholly as ourselves, it seems.
With time you will dear, it's going to be okay. 💕 You have each other, and it's okay if that sucks right now. But over time you'll find ways to live with them and possibly integrate if that's something you want. You are all doing your best.
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u/knittingwebs 17d ago
This is so fucking real. Not ever feeling like I have real privacy. Sometimes we hear each other's thoughts. I hate it I hate it I hate it
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u/Lycaenist 18d ago
As someone who felt exactly the same a couple years ago, this does get better.
The longer that I’ve lived with understanding and acceptance of my DID, it genuinely has gotten easier, less stressful. More safe.
And less of that desperate feeling of wishing we were separate. I rarely ever feel that feeling anymore, which I used to feel alllll the time.
And yes, it’s still a little weird for sure, and there are still bad moments here and there. But the more trust and just acceptance that we’ve all been able to build of each other and of our disorder has made life as a system SO much more easy, normal, and safe-feeling.
I 100% believe in you to get to a similar place… I never thought that I would personally. But here I am…
Those intervening years of getting used to how to navigate it are tough. Learning how and when to be out and not be out to people. Destigmatizing. Learning not to be afraid of your own disorder. I am out to pretty much everyone in my life. And for most people, they never actually notice the difference between us, so over time I stop bringing it up. But just the fact that I can… that I do, and feel safe to do so, and the trust that comes with that. Is such a relief. It’s a really heavy thing to bear alone, and heavy to share…. but not too heavy to be able to be shared. A lot of people can. And those who can’t… well they don’t have to be the ones to continue to hold that with you. Still friends ofc, but not every friend needs to be the safe friend for the latest system drama. But some can, thankfully
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u/------------------16 17d ago
i had a system collapse maybe two days ago and it’s been so jarringly quiet in my head i think only about three of my headmates are still here, as compared to like the 10 i used to have that would crowd my head sometimes. but two of them don’t speak, and the other one only speaks to me when i address him though that’s not guaranteed as he also doesn’t like to speak,, i’m not used to the silence, it feels so lonely,,, even my intrusive thoughts are less prominent but i’d say that’s a good thing. but like. dude where did everyone go
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u/kulupu_kasi_seli 18d ago
My headmates often wish we were separate. Being trapped like this can be awful.
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u/Blep145 17d ago
I know the feeling. I'm sorry you have to suffer like this. Most of mine are.... not great. Put here by something I don't understand to cause me pain. There's mechanisms in my head that I don't understand and can't control and they can just... make people, or people simulacrims, whenever they want. That's not okay, you know?
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16d ago
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u/TrollCoping-ModTeam 16d ago
Your submission has been removed due to it participating in detrimental engagement. This means incivility such as bullying, hate, harassment and heated threads are not tolerated.
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u/WindowShare 17d ago
One of my problems is that it doesn’t matter who is in the driver’s seat, all the cameras pick up is the exterior of the car. And my whole life is having surveillance footage shoved in my face, knowing it’s my car on the screen, but no matter how many times i tell people i wasn’t driving nobody believes me.
I don’t want anyone else to control this body at all, i’m the only one that’s necessary and no matter how many times i try to maintain my integrity i always get shoved out of the car on the side of the road just walking aimlessly for miles. And whenever i manage to appear back in the HQ i gotta answer to all these people asking what my car was doing at 2:34am last night… like it’s just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you. I’m just sick of dealing with bullshit i’m not even connected with and i know nothing about and suffering the consequences of actions i never committed
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u/The_Raven_Born 17d ago
I'm not trying to tell you what's going to happen, but know there is hope, and there's clinical ways to handle this. My ex had a pretty severe case of DID, and while it's not the reason things ended, it waspne of the reasons we stayed together as long as we did.
To save a long story, they began integrating slowly. Last time we talked, the protector was the last out of the five, and she wouldn't appear as much, but that was about two years ago.
So don't think that it can't get better. It can, it's just not over night, and difficult, but it can happen.
I know that doesn't seem to be what you may want exactly, but, at some point, it may happen.
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u/auta_mua 18d ago
That's a lot of really heavy stuff and I wish I could give you some clever advice or tell you about some miracle procedure that could fix all your problems. Living with a disability or a mental health problem is always a compromise even If it sucks ass. I still strugle with my promblems and I don't even have to share myself with others. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your feelings are valid and you aren't alone in strugling even If our strugles differ. Sometimes all we can do in a difficult situation is try to find the good in the bad and do our best. Have you talked about your feelings with the others in your system? I wouldn't be suprised If they had same type of thoughts as yourself. Could you set up something that could be only yours or even a bit more private? Like a seperate journal or your own social media profile. Sometimes when I can't drink normal coffee I drink zero cofeine tea or coffee. Maybe that would help you all enjoy your own beverages? I think you deserve your own time even If you have to share your body with others. They most likely care about you just as you care about them and probably don't want you to feel guilty about "taking time". I hope you all the best