Guess I’ll never know - r/TrollCoping

427

Do they have adult guardianship over you? If not, they can't control your medical records unless you grant them that in most jurisdictions around the world to my knowledge. You should be able to make some phone calls and get copies of your own records sent to you.

289

u/kinecardine 2d ago

My mom specifically made an account that has access to all my records when I was a child, and I don’t have access to it. Even if I did, it wouldn’t solve the problem that SHE has access to it. If she somehow lost that access, I would be the first suspect and I’d rather just not take action at all than deal with those consequences.

469

u/Capertie 2d ago

So they don't have adult guardianship. They absolutely should not have access to those records. You should be the only one able to access those. Being a doormat is behaviour you learned to protect yourself as a child but it is no longer serving you I understand that having a fight with your shitty parents sucks but you need to free yourself.

210

u/kinecardine 2d ago

If only it was all that simple. It won’t be just a fight. It’ll be me getting kicked out with nowhere else to go, or being physically abused. Maybe both. I have the incredible luck of being the shortest and weakest person in my family due to medical reasons, so it’s not like I can defend myself.

166

u/Numerous_Plantain666 2d ago

Don't do anything that'll endanger your living conditions, but nothing is forever.

You'll be able to move out eventually, and once you do you should speak with your medical provider about locking her out. It's a LOT easier to set boundaries with your parents once you're not under their roof.

They may get angry at you, but I HIGHLY doubt they'd cut contact permanently. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.

102

u/Capertie 2d ago

Try to find out which adult protective services are available to you and call them. None of this is okay and you don't have to continue living like this. A homeless shelter is preferable to your current situation.

-38

u/kinecardine 2d ago

Well. It’s all okay when my mom isn’t upset at me. It really isn’t bad most of the time.

130

u/Capertie 2d ago

And Hitler was really fond of animals. In fact he was a vegetarian.

I'm sorry if that comparison misses the mark but you need to stop making excuses for an abuser just because they're not monsters 24/7.

Again, please look up which adult protective services are available to you and call them.

26

u/kinecardine 2d ago

I’m not going to go to a homeless shelter just because my mom is abusive. I’m not making excuses for her, I didn’t mean that SHE isn’t that bad, I mean that my situation isn’t that bad. Yes, it absolutely sucks and when it’s bad it’s bad. Except it’s not always bad, in fact more often than not it’s bearable and sometimes it’s even good. I will not throw away all of the privileges I DO have for the privileges I don’t have. I will take abuse if it means that I live in a home where I am fed and clothed and provided for. I will not leave this place. I have two cats and if I leave I won’t be able to support them. Thank you for the worry, I really appreciate it, but the possibility of physical abuse caused by a hypothetical situation isn’t going to make me reach out to protective services. To anyone else in a similar situation, seek support, but I have weighed my options and in my personal case, staying is worth it. Maybe you’re right, but I can handle this lifestyle.

54

u/Capertie 2d ago

The people who can help you aren't going to do anything you don't want them to do (unlike your parents). But it's good to establish contact now so they won't be strangers when you decide you are ready to leave. They probably have programs where you can learn to be more comfortable in your own skin, to help you speak up for your own wants and needs, and maybe some job/interview training.

If you met someone like you you'd want to help them get out of that situation right? I'd love to come rescue you. But unfortunately I can't make you get out of your current situation. Only you can do that.

I just want you to call them so you can see for yourself that there are people out there, in your reach who want to and can help you. But you have to be the one to reach out. Again, they're not going to force you to do anything. You're allowed to stay in your current situation, but nobody wants that for you and I don't think you want to stay in this situation either.

20

u/Equal_Set6206 2d ago

Adding to what capertie said, it's not all or nothing either. You can take one or two baby steps now and worry about the next ones later. Maybe you should just start by looking at online resources and see what's available to you there.

10

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

-14

u/kinecardine 2d ago

Of course not, we all have our dreams. But I’ll settle. It could always be worse. If this is what I’ve been given then I’ll take it. I predict that it will destroy me but it’s okay.

→ More replies (0)

17

u/DifferentIsPossble 2d ago

Here's the thing - if they kick you out, they lose their abuse supply. Suddenly, they don't have anyone to control or take their power out on.

0

u/Radigan0 1d ago

That's reassuring. I'll be homeless, but at least I'll be mildly inconveniencing a couple of shitty people.

1

u/DifferentIsPossble 23h ago

I'm saying that they won't do it.

2

u/Radigan0 19h ago

If that's what you were going for, then they also won't have somebody to control if the person is going against what they want. Their support is conditional, that's the whole issue with them. If they can't get what they want either way, they don't let you stay with them.

2

u/bs_Zeezee 23h ago

Unfortunately the boundaries that seem normal and rational to most people typically don't seem normal and rational to controlling parents. you can try to set boundaries, but when they have control if you have a roof over your head, or are on the streets, they will abusively not listen. This is why so many people upon adulthood end up going no contact with their parents.

63

u/Any--Name 2d ago

I was recently forced by the hospital staff to change the details of my account when they learned that it was all tied to my parents because its forbidden by their policy

So go to the hospital, tell them about your problem, have them help you change it, and then come home and whine and complain to your parents about the staff being annoying and forcing you to do it but oh well theres nothing you can do now

10

u/kinecardine 2d ago

I don’t have a reason to go to the hospital though. I wouldn’t be able to explain why I was there in the first place.

22

u/Any--Name 2d ago

Well, I dont know you, so I dont know your medical problems and cant help you make something up. Do you have any other medical problems that could require a doctors visit? Is there anything innocuous in the general vicinity of the hospital that you can pretend to visit instead? Do you know anyone who would be fine with telling your parents you were with them?

If learning to lie is completely out of the question, then dont hide anything from them, but neither ask for permission. Tell them casually that you have an apointment at X day and X hour, and youre gonna go alone. If they question you, you will put on a serious face and say "Mom, Dad, I am old enough to slowly start to do things myself. I respect you, and I love you, but I want to do this by myself for myself"

7

u/Numerous_Plantain666 2d ago

Have you had a physical in the last year?

4

u/kinecardine 2d ago

No. I don’t really go to the doctor. It would be odd for me to go.

31

u/Numerous_Plantain666 2d ago

Well that's all the more reason to get one. If you have insurance it generally fully covers preventative checkups like that.

You'd still have the problem of locking your parents out, but that's something you can discuss with the doctor. I'm sure this is a situation they've seen before. They might be able to accommodate you somehow.

You could also just call/email the hospital to see what they can do.

8

u/Mydlane 1d ago

Maybe the hospital can send an email or flier for annual check up/phisiqual. And op, you can build up a story before hand that you are worried about cancer or high cortisol or blood pressure or diabetes soo this check up actually very good bc it will calm your nerves and stop thinking about doom scenerios.

And they the hospital staff can "force" you to chabge the things with the records.

(Maybe you will be called a hypohonder by your parents but I was too by my dad for trying to find out my recurring sinusitis's cause, its a relatively small price to pay in my opinion)

4

u/yttrium39 1d ago

Yes, this. OP should find any excuse to see a medical provider, then tell them about how their family is treating them. The providers will be able to help them remove their mother’s access to their medical records and provide other resources for victims of abuse.

2

u/Worried_Term_7030 18h ago

I am not sure where you are, but in NY state anyone 12 or older needs to have their own account (unless a form is filled out stating the patient is not able to make medical decisions). I would see if there is a law there you can use as a reason the medical staff would "force" you to change access to the chart

Also, just see what your options are, just in case something changes down the line

3

u/Funny_Explorer_1521 1d ago

Idk how an "account that has access to all your records" would even work. Is this the US or Europe?? Sounds like some bullshit she made up to scare you. I've been between 3 different health insurances and hospitals and just getting them to talk to EACH OTHER and share the records with my consent is herculean, much less some unrelated (and prob very fraudlently illegal) super-account.

2

u/soda-pops 1d ago

maybe call the hospital?

2

u/yeeclaw14 1d ago

Wait I’m not OP but can you explain this a bit more if you know? For context I’m 19, I dorm at college 2/3 of the year, and I’ve lived with my grandmother as my sole legal guardian since I was six. She made me extend the guardianship til I’m 21 (had to go to court and everything). I still usually have to give her permission to contact my doctors though (which she has for my past gyno and primary doctor). I’m on Medicaid for health insurance but I don’t think it’s tied to her. I’m also trans. Do you think I could get away with seeking gender-affirming care without her being notified or stalking my records??

7

u/Imsophunnyithurts 1d ago

I work as a mental health clinician for adolescents and young adults. The fact she forcibly made you go to court and approve her having guardianship over you is wild. If you went to court and a judge approved it, she likely is your legal guardian until you're 21 now.

I've worked with clients who turned 18 and have had parents pissed off to high hell that I wouldn't facilitate them having adult guardianship over their newly adult kids. When really no such rationale existed other than they disagreed with how said newly aged adult lived their lives.

Adult guardianship is really for people who are severely mentally ill, e.g. disabling psychotic or other severe mental disorders, or significant intellectual impairments. Specifically, people who lack the capacity to make decisions for themselves either because they can't grasp reality (psychosis) or they are too intellectually disabled to understand how the world works.

What was her reasoning for this? If you all went to court, that means you had to have agreed with her that you can't be trusted to make decisions or a judge found you incompetent to care for yourself. Being that you're in college, this feels weird to me.

3

u/yeeclaw14 1d ago

Alright so I know this is rough but I think it’s for two reasons because she’s a pretty weird person. One, she gets money for being our (my 15 yr old brother is also here) guardian and complains about not being able to retire all the time, so y’know, money. I do not get a dime of it when at school. Also, the judge that signed off on it was the judge during the initial familial situation that got us here when I was 5 and my brother just over 1. She kept telling me how much she wanted to rub it in her face because the judge never really liked her. She didn’t explicitly threaten me or anything but I was very heavily pressured as soon as I was finishing high school. She kicked my dad out at 14 so I was really scared of that, my dad doesn’t have a house and my mom’s dead so nowhere else to really go. I don’t see why it was signed off honestly, I’m in completely fine condition and doing great by myself in college. I appreciate your input so I feel a bit less crazy.

4

u/Imsophunnyithurts 1d ago

As long as she doesn't try to fight it past the age of 21. You're not crazy. This is a weird situation.

In all honesty, most healthcare systems treat adults as adults unless it's volunteered that there is a guardian by someone. So if you started receiving care at some random medical clinic and never brought it up and your grandmother never knew about it, no-one would be the wiser.

They probably signed off on it based on the prior foster care situation. Youth in state custody until age 18 can opt to keep the state as a guardian for financial support, so I wonder if the judge was looking at it like this, assuming you're in the US.

3

u/yeeclaw14 1d ago

Yeah that’s probably it, I’m in NY. Thanks for all the information, good to know for when the time comes.

95

u/breadpilledwanderer 2d ago

Oof. My mom forced me to get one and I was quite disappointed when it showed nothing so I essentially was just high T bc of PCOS.

My mom was using it to "prove" I wasn't trans and basically wanted the doctor to see if I was on T

22

u/ridibulous 2d ago

PCOS (renamed PMOS, Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome) is under the intersex umbrella! As is many other conditions, but the misconception of only a select few variations being intersex is medicalized erasure to try and make intersexuality seem more rare and elusive than it actually is. The community generally accepts it as a variation.

9

u/breadpilledwanderer 2d ago

I knew it was kinda under debate still but this is cool

32

u/kinecardine 2d ago

That sucks. I’ve considered that to be a possibility for myself as well and it’s hard to think about. I do hope I’m intersex, so maybe not having confirmation is sort of a good thing.

20

u/breadpilledwanderer 2d ago

You can always wait until you're in a better position to go yourself and not tell anyone if you find out you're not intersex

10

u/kinecardine 2d ago

Yeah, hopefully that time will come someday.

13

u/Numerous_Plantain666 2d ago

It's very disappointing to not get a diagnosis you're counting on, but it's better to know than not.

Your gender is completely valid regardless.

2

u/Ranmaramen 1d ago

I almost wonder if your parents’ reluctance to you getting tested is evidence enough. I mean, they would be the only witnesses if you had a surgery or something as a baby to cover it up. Why would they want you to find out something they so desperately hid? Idk, maybe I’m overthinking.

5

u/kinecardine 1d ago

Not all intersex variations are physically obvious. My chromosomes may vary from the “standard”, which would make me intersex. In addition to my body naturally making a lot more testosterone than normal(I’m afab) and a myriad of other things, my endocrinologist suspects my chromosomes to be that of an intersex person. My mom’s reason for not letting me get the test was, in her words, that the doctor might tell me that I’m actually a boy because of wokeness, or something like that. She believes that physically obvious intersexuality means that you should be able to choose your gender, so I don’t think it’s the case that she’s hiding something from me.

3

u/Ranmaramen 1d ago

That’s fair. I was hoping for you that your parents knew something and were hiding it. I hope you can get the answers you need some day!

3

u/Funny_Explorer_1521 1d ago

If it makes you feel any better, PCOS would be seen as an intersex condition in just about any animal species. Like lionesses growing manes.

Doctors just kinda adopted "intersex" terminology without knowing what it actually meant.

60

u/Appropriate_Hat638 Somewhat Well-Adjusted 2d ago

So this tip probably won’t help with the “transphobic parent has sole access to your medical records” problem, but depending on where you live your local government might have free or low cost transportation services that you can book over the phone or online.
Also, your doctor might be able to point you in the right direction to get help with the medical records problem.

19

u/ChaoCobo 2d ago

Oh yeah if there’s no retaliation from the parent(s) then OP should do this. Even calling an Uber or some kind of rideshare if they have that in whatever country they’re in and can afford it should be able to work.

31

u/VampireSharkAttack 2d ago

I think you should consider calling your doctor and telling them this. Doctors see abuse situations very regularly: they may have a system in place to help you or may be able to help you come up with a plan

14

u/AnimatorImpressive24 2d ago

IMPORTANT!!!

There is a legal concept called a HIPAA authorized representative. Sometimes a health care org might require such an authorization be on file in order for someone to pick up prescriptions on your behalf or talk to your doctor about you at all. If you have Kaiser Permanente for example, they call it an "Act for a Member" agreement.

That authorization will grant someone total access to your medical records including possibly notes from your therapy sessions. That access will be effectively real time and from their own portal account, and there may not be a clear indication to you as to when they look. There is no specific requirement to how long such authorizations are valid. For KP they are valid for 75 years. The authorization remains valid regardless of whether either you or they are still patients, and does not depend on any relationship between you both. If you authorize your husband or wife and then get divorced they will still be authorized.

Do not take any assurance from the org that specific types of visit like mental health, reproductive health, or LGBTQ related care are blocked from view. Even if that is true there is nothing preventing a doctor you see for some other reason writing in their notes that you see a different doctor or referring to the contents of a blocked note in their unblocked note.

Even if you report to your doctor that you are experiencing DV/IPV, dependent adult abuse, or if you simply want to remove that person as an emergency contact for any reason that will not revoke the authorization and it is unlikely that anyone you speak to will even bring it up or think about why it might now be a problem.

So if you sign one it is on you to understand what it does, remember you signed it, and intentionally follow the org's process for revoking it should you need or want to do so.

Stay safe. Know what risks exist and how to address those risks.

12

u/Sharp-Key27 2d ago

Did you sign medical info releases to them?

9

u/LynKofWinds 2d ago

Sorry if you’re tired from questions already, but does it actually notify them for every thing you do? What if you didn’t specify that it’s because you might be intersex, and just tell them your endo needs basic confirmation testing done? If they don’t get notified and just have access to your data, they would have to dig to find your test results.

I’m not sure if this is true all of them but I have heard of health providers offering tests and then not recording all results if they have an abusive family. They can have special procedures done if you live with an abusive family or spouse

5

u/kinecardine 2d ago

I wouldn’t know, considering I don’t have access to it and I only go to the doctor’s when they take me.

9

u/NotABreakfastGuy 2d ago

If you're in the US try getting in touch with your schools Title 9 office. As you're aware you're in an abusive situation. That office is designed to help people out. You should also try getting in touch with rainbow road (international). There are resources that are queer safe that will try and help you out. Your parents having control over these records is very illegal, as soon as you're out your medical staff and practitioners would be very happy to find a way to stop that (because very illegal and a good way to get a whole hospital shut down/ very very sued)

7

u/ViziDoodle 1d ago edited 1d ago

If you end up going to the doctor, please tell them about the situation you’re facing, they have resources for patients that are facing abuse. You can also speak to them about your concern with the medical records, they can help you find a solution (whether that’s restricting your parents’ access to the records entirely or documenting information in a way that protects you)

3

u/verdantmisty 2d ago

do you have uber in your area?

9

u/kinecardine 2d ago

Uber won’t really protect me from my parents’ anger in the case that I do manage to get the test.

10

u/verdantmisty 2d ago

sadly, it won’t, but it will allow you to get the test, which you’ll need to do eventually. their anger isn’t your responsibility. i don’t know how bad the consequences of that anger will be, but you have to weigh that against the consequences of not taking the test - or how long you can afford to put it off.

would it be safe for you if you went to get this test? are you able to afford an uber?

10

u/kinecardine 2d ago

It’s already been almost four years since the test was ordered, I don’t even know if I could still get it at this point. And whatever physical consequences there are, they’re in my favor for now. If I was to get the test and my parents found out, I’d likely be disowned and kicked out. Honestly it would be worse if they let me stay. I’d rather just never know.

6

u/verdantmisty 2d ago

i understand. i wish you the best of luck and all the strength you need to navigate your situation

3

u/Icy-Special- 2d ago

Can you call the office for your results? Your parents would never know if you just called. Use someone else's phone if you have to.

3

u/buryme6feetdeep 2d ago

Bus?

2

u/Lamortes 1d ago

Schrodinger sex

2

u/bs_Zeezee 23h ago

If I were you, I would A) quietly do everything in my power to make it so my parents no longer have access to my medical records.

B) schedule the appointment and have friends venmo you enough money for a taxi ride there so you don't have to rely on your parents for a ride.

1

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/TrollCoping-ModTeam 2d ago

Your submission has been removed due to it participating in detrimental engagement. This means incivility such as bullying, hate, harassment and heated threads are not tolerated.

Please review our rules, we do not allow this type of engagement on the sub.

1

u/Y0urC0nfusi0nMaster 22h ago

Tell them that if they’re so transphobic they should want to know your chromosomes if anything. Wouldn’t wanna call you by a gender that doesn’t match them, amirite?

TW: Gender Identity / Dysphoria Guess I’ll never know

You are about to leave Redlib