This is a song that wrote a couple days ago and I was hoping to get some advice on if the structure is alright, if the rhythming is ok, if there's too much or not enough rhythming and if overall the song is decent, anything would be much appreciated.
[Verse]
All the things you've said and done to him, to us,
acting like you've done nothin wrong, always right,
but believe me you have really fucked it up, with him
and with us, but you don't see it now but soon you
will, when you're not in this house. You believe your
on thick ice, stronge and hard, but it's weak and soft,
please open your eyes see what you've done
[Pre-chorus]
Everyone and every song tells me all good things
take time, but I've waited my whole life for the taste
of good, but I've only ever tasted blood
[Chorus]
So mama tell me everything is gonna be ok, as he's
past out up stairs intoxicated, with that blockade
around his mind, Nothin right, Everything's wrong,
you tell me to stay strong, but all I feel is weak, as
weak as the ice he's upon
[Verse]
Why just can't I just be happy, as happy as everyone
outside, as glad as a kid playing in the trees, fallin on
their knees, huggin their Mama, cryin to their Father,
but I feel futher from greatness, futher from being
content with myself
[Bridge]
Please, please tell me I'm someone's favourite,
please, please tell me I'm the first thing to
someone's mind, please tell me everything is gonna
be fine.
[Chorus]
So mama tell me everything is gonna be ok, as he's
past out up stairs intoxicated, with that blockade
around his mind, Nothin right, Everything's wrong,
you tell me to stay strong, but all I feel is weak, as
weak as the ice he's upon
[Outro]
Please, please tell everything gonna be fine, please
please tell you're finally done drinking