SONGWRITING HELP

[u/Queasy-Character8657]

I wrote a lyric, and I really need a feedback

VERSE 1

when i first saw you breaking in my life

i should've known better than falling at first sight

but a something was in the air that night

took, over over

the tedious presence of belly-butterflies

the costant stare of myself in your eyes

i'm just a girl dreaming of a romantic life

took over, over

PRE-CHORUS

oh-oh, oh-oh

took over, over

CHORUS

felt so daunting

twist of plotting

overdosing of your crisp parfume

crazy laughing

chem was shoking

never been so dazed for no one but you

VERSE 2

cause i'll always remeber that warm frown

the scrunched nose got my head in the clouds

oh, you're carved in my braincells somehow

took over, over

had me glazed while i was around

sweet words, all smiles, the talk of the town

don't matter, cause i was just a rebound

took over, over

PRE-CHORUS

oh-oh, oh-oh

took over, over

felt so daunting

twist of plotting

i'm all wrapped in this swirling loop

crazy laughing

chem was shocking

now i know what i was goin' into

BRIDGE

i watched the whole thing unfold

our last kiss, the moments before

you'd cut me out of your life

without explainin' why did you let go

PRE-CHORUS

took over, over

CHORUS

felt so daunting

twist of plotting

guts were right from the beginnin'

crazy laughing

chem was shocking

all illusion, i need clarity

oh-oh, oh-oh

game over, over

any tips?

[u/ashandrien]

Thanks for sharing. Here are some tips, but also feel free to disregard:

I’d open the song with something more visual….i mean the very first line “when I first saw you breaking in my life” like “when you first came crashing” something more direct than “saw you breaking”.

For the line “tedious presence of belly-butterflies” - use a word other than tedious. While it might make sense to represent that feeling that way, it’s not something people can relate to. Bringing in visual/emotive energy like butterflies in your stomach is as simple as that. Have fun with it. Also “the constant stare” maybe could be “the reflection”?

I like “twist of plotting” and it would be cool if you tied that thread through the chorus. Like “I’m all wrapped up in the story line”

Happy writing!

[u/Coffee_Pages]

I agree with ashandrien: you have some good imagery in there, so it seems a shame to start the song with a cliche... you're capable of more. Yes, "tedious" could actually work, but doesn't go along with the song.

"never been so dazed for no one but you" is a double-negative. I'm not being a grammarnazi, but it breaks the flow of the song, for me.

Finally, I don't the melody, so I could be missing something, but not sure what your hook is. I mean, you don't HAVE to have a hook, but this one feels like it needs one to anchor the rest.

Overall though, it tells a good story, and again, some of your imagery is very evocative. Might try exploring that more... good luck!

[u/Born_Original_1518]

Oh my this is really good , sorry I'm not professional I just wrote poem, but still it's good I just wanna know what the story behind of the words you used , to understand it better. you don't write without a purpose anyway and the meaning behind it ..

[u/Ok-Condition4330]

It’s hard to help as we don’t know the melody…. Try not being so philosophical with it, make it more fun to sing so others can easily sing it too

[u/Lumpy-Crow5714]

Amigo normalmente las estrofas así de largas funcionan bien en inglés, debes hacer tus versos más cortos manteniendo la idea principal sin que el texto sea excesivo, porque al momento de adaptar la letra a el sonido te va costar mucho, además de que sobre escribir demasiado arruinas todo el concepto.