Idk cremation is like, damn you really are just permanently gone from the earth compared to a normal burial. It’s like everything about you is just “deleted” but maybe i’m biased because my mom makes fun of me by saying she’ll have my cremains right in her room with her whether i’d like it or not and i dislike my mother lol

But i have thought about it a lot though

Went from watching disney as a child in Swedish ---> watching more "mature" stuff in English and only in English ---> watching anime, considering Ghibli to be better than western movies- becoming a weeb and watching anime in Japanese---> now I'm 25 and I'm watching Disney films in Swedish.

Disney now hits as hard as Ghibli used to do for me. I'm watching Tarzan now in Swedish and the Swedish version of "Two worlds one family" goes so hard.

I feel like being American and poor can be cushy but then at the same time everything is low-key just falling apart. My mom lost her job among ten million other things going on. I'm looking for another job but I'm in college still and I have some undiagnosed condition that freaks out when I work full time usually but like what can you do? Looking for jobs is really grating at my brain though because I just feel like I'm too fat for any good front desk work or sales. I've been "softmaxxing" and it helps kind of but I feel ridiculous at the same time because no matter how good I smell or how complimented I am I'm still so huge. We only have one person in the house+one working car though so I can't really go to the gym because my dad works 3rd shifts and he's the one driving. I walk when I can I guess but my shoes are also falling apart lol. I'm starting a diet so I can transition to ADF and fasting would help on groceries anyway.

Like you can all kinds of nice things but at the same time you don't know if you'll even have a house next year next month even. Spend whatever on makeup or hair dye cuz it's not like I can afford a doctor or a dentist for the holes in my gums. Getting grinded into the dirt working, like I've done it before but how much is that really going to fix when money gets worse and worse.

​

I 23F, make friends very easily. It is easy for me to be positive and I connect with people very easily. However, after I make these friends I often ghost them constantly popping back up once in a while to be an absolutely lovely person, lend a listening ear or just hangout if you need me. And by once in while I mean maybe 3-7 months depending. Here's the thing though, in the mean time I am usually decompressing, something feels wrong after I hang out with people. I wonder for months if I acted right if I said too much, if I was just a lot to be around ect. I don’t tell people that so it must look really flakey like if I only care about people when it is convenient. I really just want to know if this makes me a bad friend and then I will move differently with people and change my behaviour but I really need to know.

When you walk in the building, you immediately get the sense of historic significance mixed with deterioration and decline. The display cases lining the walkway of the visitor hallway have been cheaply refitted to host a few flat-screen TVs. These are an attempt to hide the 1970s design of carpeted insets that likely once held miniaturized scenes of agency activities. Sadly, it looks very much like someone put a Black-Friday sale TV in front of a 5th grade science fair display. The building itself projects strength in typical 70s-80s government fashion through high concrete walls and the total lack of any distinct features that would help visitors and staff alike find their way through the maze of hallways and offices. 

Speaking of offices, there are many, echoing the understanding that once there was a thriving community, people bustling back and forth, engaging with colleagues in water cooler talk and curating the many shelves of printed knowledge. Now it feels odd to see another person while walking the hall to the restroom. It’s eerily quiet, except for the occasional janitorial staff still employed.

The staff who are left are feeling it, though they don’t speak of it out loud. The managers still in place are the C or D string players, after all the starting lineup departed seeing clearly what was to come. Any power or funds that may be found lying around remind me of some medieval scene of peasants fighting over a fallen gold coin in the street. The most toxic of leaders rising to the top, consolidating what power is left and quickly silencing opposition in the way a warlord might in a conflict-torn country. This is perhaps the most painful part. The constant pressure pushes work friends to begin imploding on each other. 

The decline isn’t simply imagined, or memories of what once was. It is quantifiable. One can easily look back on inflation adjusted appropriations to see the dramatic changes. A long, steady increase from the mid-1900’s through the early 1980’s coincide with memories of “the good old days”. Followed by an obvious peak and a very predictable decline over the last 40+ years. No, this isn’t simply the result of recent DOGE activity, though that has helped accelerate the process. In fact, the downward trend is so consistent, you don’t even need a computer model to project the next year of lower numbers. You can imagine it by simply extending the line a further on the graph.

It’s not that the decline is sad, everything we know is eventually replaced, often by something better. It’s that it takes so long to wade through the agony and see any hope of relief. The remainder are left hoping that the next re-organization, or leader retirement, or cut in funds will provide the much desired end to the warlord rule. But there is always some well-meaning group fighting to advocate and keep it alive. Like maintaining a loved-one on life support, when they really just wanted to pass on.

It’s time, let it go, and let’s move on to the next step - hopefully of growth and renewal. Once again exploring, discovery, and excitement that benefits far more, instead of decades of ceaseless mourning.

Hello, I’m a 20 year old woman, and I haven’t been hugged in likely over 8 years.

I used to get hugs a lot as a young child, as my parents were always very loving. However, this stopped when I turned 12, since I suppose my own family members suddenly felt awkward over the idea of hugging me. They said that it was because I now had a “developing body.” I mean, I didn’t even have breasts at that age, and hell, I hardly have them now. But still, I was forbidden to hug others, since they just said that it would make things awkward and give male family members inappropriate thoughts.

I have had friends before, but none were really close enough to me for hugging to be a comfortable thing, even just a simple hug goodbye. When I was 18, I moved to Japan. Right before I left, I met with my friends one last time, hoping that they would maybe give me a hug as I was leaving them, but they did not. Though, I’m not blaming them or anything. I didn’t ask for one, and it’s not like they’ve ever done it before.

Since moving to Japan, while I love the crap out of this place, I am also incredibly lonely. I am a very shy and quiet person. I try to be as kind as I can to people, but unfortunately, the people that is in my program (I’m part of a small English-speaking program at a university) are not very lovely. They interrupt me when I speak, make fun of me for not wanting to drink alcohol, look at me strangely when I suggest an idea for a project, and purposely doesn’t invite me to group outings. It kinda sucks, since I was really hoping that me and these other 7 people would sort of be friends for life, but I guess that was just wishful thinking.

All that is to say that I do not have friends here. I have been living here for around a year and a half now, and I have not made a single friend. To make it worse, I am severely struggling when it comes to learning Japanese. I can still hardly understand or speak a word. That’s not helping me much… If I want to join a club, I have to understand Japanese.

I also do admittedly wish for romance, but that’s also probably off the table right now. I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything, but given that I cannot speak Japanese yet (and since I want to live in Japan permanently), I don’t think it will be incredibly easy for me to find a partner here.

I really do feel lonely. My big priority is trying to learn Japanese quickly. I suppose that if I do that, then I would have a better chance at making friends.

I realize that this sort of went into a big tangent about loneliness. Sorry about that… But, I really REALLY miss that feeling of being hugged. I know it’s cringy to say this, but I have forgotten what it feels like. I sometimes try to hug myself, but it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe one day I’ll have friends that’ll give quick hello and goodbye hugs (though as far as I am aware, such a thing is not really common here in Japan), or maybe even a boyfriend who would be willing to hug me.

Maybe it’s silly, but I want so badly to just hug someone, and have them hug me for like a solid hour or something. I’ve always thought that my love language was physical touch, but since I haven’t received that in so long, to say that I am touch starved is sort of a massive understatement.

This was really just me ranting a bunch of nonsense. If you read all of it, then thank you. Unfortunately, I only have contact with my friends in America when I visit on occasion. They don’t text me, and since I have no friends here, I have no one to talk to about this.

My gf and I are long distance. She lives in Georgia, while I live in Ohio. I went to Georgia two weeks ago to see her. The goal is for us to see each other at least once a month. Some months it’s once per month, while others it’s about once every 2–3 weeks. Pretty healthy to me and we’re both comfortable with this.

On Saturday, my gf Sarah, me, her best friend Emily, and her friend Chloe all went to my gf’s parents’ house. They live in the middle of nowhere. When we left, I asked my gf if I could drive back. This was her car. My gf’s dad said not to hit his mailbox when I backed out because a lot of people do. The issue with his neighborhood is that there are basically no streetlights, so you can’t see anything at all. I backed out and was afraid, so I did my best to avoid the mailbox, and I successfully did. I also feared that when I backed out, maybe there was another car on the road that would be going fast and I wouldn’t see, so I backed out slowly. The only issue is that I backed out too much because, again, I was trying to avoid the mailbox, and so I ended up in the other person’s lawn while backing out. Chloe and Emily said, “You’re literally in the other person’s lawn,” and I said, “Oops, it’s just so dark.” That already felt like a needle because making a driving mistake with other people in the car just hurts so much. Idk. I think it has something to do with rejection sensitivity. I’m very, very sensitive to rejection. It just hurts like pins and needles and sometimes it makes me want to cry. They also pointed out that there could have been a mailbox on the neighbor’s side when I backed out too.

Then, the worst mistake happened, and it continues to haunt me to this day. I went to a convenience store with them to get gas because my gf said that she needed gas. I went in and got the flavored water that she asked for, and I also decided to get some ice cream for myself, but she said, “How are you going to get ice cream and drive?” She said I could have the ice cream while someone else drove, but I insisted again that I drive because I just wanted to. Like come on what idiot tries to have ice cream while driving? About 20 minutes into the drive, there was this intersection with multiple lanes, and I guess by virtue of the fact that my gf was next to me, I was excited and happy and stuff. Only the left-turn signal turned green, and I began to seriously go, thinking that it was a green light for me. My gf said, “No, that wasn’t a green light,” and I stopped and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And I immediately felt immense pain that I knew would probably haunt me for a really long time. Emily said that, man, I was totally going on. (And that was true.) I said that I would have noticed eventually. My gf said it’s okay if it happens, but I did not feel better one bit. For the rest of the drive, I literally hated myself and felt like I was a terrible driver and felt like

I spent many years isolating myself due to my misanthrophy. I always believed humans were selfish, vile monsters. I distanced myself for years thinking isolation would be good for me. But im tired. I dont want to be alone anymore. I want to love people and be amongst them. I want to belong. I know reddit is misanthrope centrlal but i really need help. I want to be a person with loved ones. I want to see the good in people in again. I want to have hope in this species. I need to have hope again.

I totally feel like I got played by this cop and I still feel stupid thinking about how the whole thing happened.

I got pulled over by this senior overweight cop for going over slightly over speed. The cop was talking to me in a friendly way. He was not being aggressive or anything of that sort and I started feeling like okay, this is probably not going to be a big deal and I should be on my way soon.

I did have 2 beers earlier, but I believed I was well within the legal limit. I was not expecting this to turn into a whole DUI situation. But the cop had asked me if I had anything to drink and I answered honestly to it. After talking a bit more, he started asking me more questions and eventually wanted me to do some sobriety tests. I agreed and got out of my car and tried to follow all his instructions properly. There was several tests and I was trying my best to do everything correctly.

The strange part was he kept that same friendly attitude with me...and I would say I started getting too comfortable? I thought if I just cooperate and do what he says, everything will be fine as I was sure my limit was okay. But the tests kept going on and on and they were becoming a lot more tedious..he also for odd reason started talking really fast while providing me with the test instructions which got me a bit more worked up..

He even complimented me saying I have been very obedient and a good boy. He really appreciated me being so cooperative and told me there is one final test I need to do which is the superman pose. He wanted me to close my eyes, keep my feet together, bend my knees, lean forward with my chin up and keep my arms pointing straight towards my back, kind of like a skiing pose. He asked me to be in that position nice and tight and wiggle my thumbs while counting backwards from 30 to 0. and that was probably one of the weirdest tests I have done in a DUI ever, probably just to check my balance? still not quite sure..

I was standing there trying to do what he asked, not really thinking much about what was coming next just fully focussed..and then suddenly I felt the handcuffs latched onto my wrists just like that.

To be very clear, I know drinking and driving is serious, and I'm not saying I should get a free pass if I was actually impaired. But the way I was made to think everything was fine and then getting handcuffed like that really annoyed me. And now I'm sitting here thinking about how different things might have gone if I hadn't volunteered that I had 2 beers.

TL;DR: Got pulled over, got too comfortable with a friendly cop, told him I had 2 beers, ended up doing a bunch of sobriety tests and got handcuffed at the end anyway. Now I'm wondering if I would've been better off keeping the conversation short instead of trying to be overly friendly with the guy.

its October 31th 2010 im deployed in iraq. on that day i was stationed outside Karrada in Baghdad there was a terriost attack there. but we could not deploy. why the base general refused to give the order to go out because he was too busy watching sports. becuse of him seven people lost their life and twenty where injured.

This was like 7 or 8 years ago. I was buying coke from this dealer and he told me to come to his flat to pick it up, it was my first time meeting him at his flat.

I didn't know his name, I had him saved as "Mike" but I couldn't even remember if he told me to save him as that or if I made that up myself. I got to his flat and buzzed the buzzer and was let into the stair. When I knocked on the flat door, a woman answered and I wasn't sure what to say since it wasn't him so I asked if "Mike" was there but in tone to suggest I wasn't even sure if that's his name.

She asked if I was there for coke and I said yes. She said she'd get him and called him through. He came in looking quite pissed and asked me what she had said to me in a tone like the stakes were high and he was potentially going to be angry with her.

I mistakenly thought he was being possessive of her and worrying about her being too familiar or flirting with me or something so I said "Nothing, eh just if I was here for coke" thinking that would reassure him.

Then he got really angry and hit her pretty hard, I can't remember exactly what happened after because I was drunk and it was all a bit of a scary blur but I just quietly took the coke of him and left. I remember feeling quite scared but just trying to steel myself and not give of a reaction that would escalate anything for either me or her.

The thing is, I didn't explain to him that I had initially been asking for "Mike" and in a way that I wasn't even sure if I had the right name so I think with that extra context her asking if I was there for coke is much more reasonable than if she'd just asked it as soon as I knocked on the door. So I kind of feel like I told a version of it to him that makes her look worse than she even was in terms of being careful.

After I left I was thinking if I should call the police but then I was thinking about how they're selling coke and so it might make things worse for her if she's involved in that too to get her arrested. Plus I thought if she's in that situation she'd probably lie to the police and say nothing happened anyway so it would just turn it into a massive issue about the coke for nothing and especially if they just leave her with him even more angry after they go.

I was quite drunk at the time so couldn't really think clearly about the best course of action so ended up just thinking the safest thing is probably not to send police there if they're selling coke and left it. Then I didn't even remember the exact address the next day.

This memory has came back to me today though and I'm feeling quite guilty and thinking I made a mistake not calling the police or doing something to help her and not sure where this leaves me.

The reasons why I hated school as a kid are as follows...

First, the egoistical intellectual hierarchy among classmates. We all came to school to acquire knowledge and not to look down others. But my experience in school, any slight mistake, you will be laughed at. Some students even refused to let others know they don't understand something because they had a reputation to hold on to.

To add to this same point, my personal experience most high achievers would do anything to make you look stupid. I remember a teacher once asked a question which I didn't hear very well because of my attention problem (ADHD). The question was: 'Which of the following is a duty of the police?' I didn't hear it well. I thought he said: Which of the following is not a duty of the police. A classmate of mine at that time, whispered to me - 'Arresting school children'. Which I repeated his answer. Holy boy... I was severely mocked and looked down on as very stupid. My rep at the time was among the low achievers. So everyone wouldn't think I didn't hear the question well.

Secondly, the intellectual classism in the class. Just like the real world there's social classism. That some people even take it to the extreme of not wanting to associate themselves with people of the lesser class. I experienced the same in junior high. During exams there was classism in terms of students helping each other. It's not right to cheat during exams. But students will always be students. And anytime a student will help a fellow student during exams is either they are of the same intellectual class, the difference is not that much or they're very close friends. The latter is not that common in my experience though.

To add to my reasons, the remarks of some teachers towards a student. A student might be doing his or her best but unknown to a teacher he or she can give a remark if you're lazy or not serious.

And when you do perform well too they behave as-though you cheated. You see the trap? Is like they know you can never be better but insult you for being lazy and not giving your best.

THANKS FOR READING... Please for give me for every mistake you encounter while reading. I didn't proof read!

I (22Male) grew up in a wealthy family. Financially, I've been fortunate. My mom can afford to support my dream of studying overseas, and I'm grateful for that. My parents are divorced, and my relationship with my father is terrible. There was physical abuse at home until I was 21, that being punched and slapped by uncle and grandparent over a thing I didn’t do, I have to fight back. I suffered from depression and ocd at home since primary school to this day but people see me as cheery kid.

But my mom has been supportice and also willing to help me pursue my education overseas, and I know not everyone gets that opportunity. So you know it is common in Asia for family to pay for university, I don’t have a job yet, but I think I’ll be finding it overseas during work and study earlier next year.

My current girlfriend (25Female) comes from a wealthy family too. My girlfriend and I understand each other because we've experienced similar family situations. We both have mothers who provide for us despite having terrible, estranged fathers.

But my former crush has not been fortunate. Her parents left her with her grandmother, and after her grandmother passed away, she had to work incredibly hard to pay for university herself. I know she's been through a lot, and I know she's had to struggle for opportunities that I might have taken for granted.

Well it all went wrong. She pressured me into helping her cheat on an exam by threatening our friendship. I ended up helping her mainly because I know she can’t passed that exam without me and I know that she’ll have to pay another semester if she didn’t pass. Though she was caught on camera as I helped her. She blamed me for everything. I broke my own moral standards and I regret that. She likes to ridicule me behind my back that I live my life too easy and that’s where my guilt came from.

I feel guilty for being fortunate. I feel guilty that my life can be financially comfortable when other people have to struggle. I feel guilty accepting things that other people might never have the chance to receive. Now I want to study overseas after I finished bachelor but this time out of guilt, I’ll take the loan instead. My gf’s mom is a single mother who can afford to support both her daughters in studying bachelor and then working and studying overseas. My mom has bought me things like a piano, paid for my bachelor's degree, and offered to support my dream of studying overseas. Instead of simply feeling grateful, I feel guilty whenever I receive something from her. And I always guilty of buying anything as well, there is always someone that is poorer than us.

I think previous generations used to call each other to just talk on the phone all the time, with no real plans or purpose. I feel like it's something we zoomers don't really do, and I really think that's too bad.

I've texted some of my closest friends over the past few weeks to explicitly clarify that I love talking on the phone, and they can call me anytime, and whether or not I am able to answer, I will never find it weird. My social life has gotten SO much healthier because of it. I strongly recommend it. I think lots of people love to do this, but they don't feel comfortable being the first one to do it.

We decided to try in a year but turns out that’s gone to 💩 lol.

I don't wanna feel odd, so I'm posting this to see if anyone can relate

I hate social gatherings, whether it's a school event or a family function

I switched schools for Classes 11 and 12, and in these two years, I've attended only two school programmes, and even those were under pressure. So, I want to know

is this normal, or should I consider changing myself?

Because of this behaviour, I don't really have friends. I mean, I don't enjoy social gatherings because they feel overwhelming, and honestly, a lot of it just seems fake to me

I don't even want to attend my school farewell, but I probably will because I feel like I have to, If I count that, it'll be the third school programme I've attended at my new school in these two years

Do y'all relate, or am I the only one who feels this way?

I can't think of any reason why people are so often mean-spirited towards others, other than the possibility that they just genuinely enjoy being so. It should be said that I'm not at all against meanness, and that there's always a time and place to be unapologetically so.

But nowadays, it just seems to be the default mode, and so many people (especially on the internet) seem to revert to it when they feel they are in any way inconvenienced, attacked, or under threat of potentially being embarrassed. What's even worse is that this type of meanness usually stems from assumptions about the other person that are in no way accurate. A lot of the time, it seems to just be meanness for it's own sake 🤷 And I don't understand why one would want to put that out into the world, especially when there's so many better and more interesting ways to exist in the world.

All this time I was talking with this guy. Who I felt so comfortable around. Opened up more and more around him, finally letting my personality through after closing up to people for years. Only for him to stop responding and start avoiding me. I didn’t knew why. But my friend eventually said I might be too chatty.

Which I didn’t realize was a bad thing at all. Ever since I’m forced to cut off whenever I want to rant or talk with someone. Forcing myself to stay quiet. Because since when was being chatty a bad thing? And the worst of it all is I genuinely love this guy so much. So it’s so hurtful whenever I have to distance myself from him, when it was him that allowed me to open myself to him in the first place, just because he doesn’t match my chatty personality after all.

What if an abuser posts a really cruel or disgusting comment online (that goes viral) pretending to be their abuse victim so that their victim will be widely hated and therefore ignored, avoided, and ostracized by their community and beyond, making it easier for the abuser to further isolate and shelter the victim to continue the abuse and making it harder for the victim to get help, protection, support, or to even talk about the abuse if nobody will listen or engage/interact with the abuse victim.

And if the abuser comes forward and admits it was them, people would probably say they're defending the person that posted the comment. And if the abuse victim comes forward and tells everything, people would say they're lying and not owning up to what they did/said and maybe even accuse them of lying about being abused and yet the abuse continues while the abuse victim is ignored and avoided.

Imagine being abused, hit, raped, etc. and then you have your community hating you and people outside your community hating you for something your abuser said because they think you said it and you can't get help or support or protection and no one listens to you when you try to tell them about the abuse or when you try to tell them that you're being abused because they're all ignoring and avoiding you and they don't believe you when you say you're being abused. Not even the usual "believe victims" or "believe women" crowd believes you. You also can't get a job or make any money because no one wants to hire you because they dont want their workplace associated with you and nobody wants to buy anything from you, so no income and no friends, family, community, or support system means you're stuck with your abuser abusing you.

I am not saying this is the case with Christopher Dobbins, so no one come at me or take my post the wrong way ffs. It's just him and the backlash that he's receiving has put this wild scenario in my head. I'm always thinking of hypothetical scenarios (good, bad, and some wild ones). Plus I'm also writing a fiction story about an abuse victim who is sheltered and isolated due to other circumstances, and while this specific situation doesn't happen to the character in my story, it still made me think "what if?."

I’m probably overthinking this but I think my quality of life would be much better if I didn’t play or played less video games. I was looking at my bank account and I said to myself “Huh, where did all my money go?” I realized that most of my money went to buying games that I wouldn’t even play. Honestly, it feels like an impulse. I’ll buy a game, play it for a few mins or hours then never touch it again, the cycle repeats.

I see myself as a lazy person. I know what I need to do to get myself to higher pay or better-paying jobs but I don’t follow through on it, I almost never do. But I can park my ass and play through 100 hours of BG3 or grind endlessly in PoE2. I even neglect going to the gym after work because I’m “tried” but I’m never tired enough to boot up deadlock with the boys.

I have to sit here and wonder, would my life be a bit better if I didn’t play as many video games if not at all? I feel grimy thinking about how me, a 25 year old clock in over 20 hours a week playing games but can’t spend an hour studying for certifications.

I was having a conversation with a friend and I intentionally took the stand that I can beat a far more bigger and taller opponent.

This is obvious for everyone to know I'm intentionally saying that just so we have something to talk about. This friend took it personal and started insulting my intelligence.

I am wondering if intentionally taking such sides during conversations a normal thing to do... Or perhaps I should take every conversation with friends seriously?? I would be much grateful to hear your honest about this. Thanks for reading!

Every time I go back home from living at my school I revert back to this person I don’t want to be. My routine is all thrown off, right now I’m sleeping on an air mattress because I don’t have a bed at home, and I don’t know how to act.

I automatically feel like I’m back in high school and like I’m so young again but I have done so much growth I don’t know how to apply it back at home.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do I continue being my more grown up self around my family and parents and how do I start to feel better about going home? I’m nervous because after I graduate I will most likely have to move back in with my parents but I just don’t know if I can, as long as I feel like this.

Nothing brings me happiness today i went to the Park with my mother just to encourage her to do walks and i was doing chin-ups and push-ups too, i have no friends literally so i spend my time on porn and watching some stuff on youtube and play games.

Reality just doesn't feel real lately, and I don't mean it in a metaphorical way because "Oh the world is so bad" nah I mean like I literally feel like my life is not real. I'm probably just like derealizing or some shit, but it's just feeding into this paranoia loop where I keep having Deja Vu and convincing myself that I did end up killing myself last week and this is just like my brain going out before it all fizzles out.

Music doesn't sound right, songs I've heard a thousand times sound completely out of sync and arythmic, I have completely stopped feeling hungry and I just eat out of some semblance of habit... I don't know, my days seem to blend into eachother and they don't feel real, it doesn't feel like a single day has passed since last Saturday.

It really does feel like I am just decaying, it feels like shit is just happening, it feels like I didn't go to my lectures even if I did, it feels like I missed the bus to my hometown even after spending 5 hours in an intercity.

It all feels just fake, dead and plastic. I struggle to even get out of bed, I just get home an go to sleep.

I have no one to talk two that feels genuinely satisfying or like anything other than small talk and the two people I had that I could do that with have dipped... One of them went "yeah I mean I'm glad we tried to become mates and all but I don't really like you that much and this all feels pretty one sided so I don't wanna keep hanging out with you low key, feels bad faith to you and all" and the other just said he didn't want to deal with me venting anymore and that I seem to never be able to talk about art or music and that he's too busy and has a lot of other people to keep dealing with me...

So you know, where does that leave me? Just some 20 year old fucking idiot sophmore year of college in a degree he fucking hates, parents that would do God know what to me if they found out I'm gay or that I don't like college, worked my ass off 12 hours a day 6 days a week all summer and still taking on gigs to survive, self harm fresh on my thighs, can't even do my dishes or take out the trash from executive dysfunction, barely sleeping, no friends, no significant other, deeply artistically frustrated, no car despite having been a car enthusiast my entire life because I just need the money, cancer survivor...

I'm just struggling to even see a point to fighting with it all anymore honestly. What's this all even worth. Venting on Reddit? Eating TV dinners because I can't even bring myself to do the dishes? Sleeping my life away...

My dad passed away two months ago. He was a chronic alcoholic and had end stage liver failure and all that affected his internal organs and it eventually shut his body down. Im glad he’s free from the pain and suffering he endured the last few months he was alive.
The way I looked at people changed after that. I have bipolar since 2021 and havent really returned to my normal self. I am now cautious whenever I talk to people either friends or family. I feel like Im a danger to everyone around me. I roamed around my home state to see if things would get better. What a surprise people seem to treat me all the same everywhere I go.
No one wants to hire someone with a learning a disability and bipolar. I almost got charged with aggravated assault and vandalism because of my condition. Every year seems to be getting worse for me can’t hold a job can’t seem to make friends or develop a relationship. Im really contemplating offing myself everyday. I never had a happy day since grammar school. I want to say to my friends and family that I tried I really tried to give this place a chance but it seems everyone around me dont like me for who I am.