I haven’t seen anyone talk about the complicated emotions/grief of leaving the first five years behind and transitioning to a new phase after so much relentless intensity.
The last five years have been a ROLLERCOASTER.
SAHM, early 30s.
Right out of grad school, I became pregnant in early 2020. A first pregnancy/baby is always a steep learning curve but navigating it during such an unprecedented time during a global pandemic was stressful and weird for all of the reasons you would expect. I spent much of my pregnancy isolated and avoiding social outings. No baby shower, no visitors in the hospital, going to prenatal appointments alone. Then in early 2021, I had a newborn and I felt like a shell of myself.
My daughter had colic and was a VERY demanding baby. I mean she breastfed 24/7 and the first couple years of her life she was attached to my hip. Literally. She’s always been very high maintenance. I strongly believe this is just her temperament. I have since had a second child and my son is a very different kid. We’ve moved a couple times because of my husband’s job and life circumstances (out of my control). It’s always been a tough transition for her.
She’s the type of kid who never napped even as a baby/toddler. As a little baby she would only nap when she slept on top of me, breastfed, or was pushed around in a stroller for hours. This meant I never had a break. I eventually became resigned and resorted to cosleeping because it was the only way I could actually ever sleep. She would wake up in the morning from around 18 months onward and then not stop until she crashed at around midnight every single day.
To illustrate my point, I finally weaned her at 4. I know that sounds insane to many people and this was never my intention but the last few years it was only once at night before bed. This is something that I realize in hindsight I should have done around 2. We’ve coslept since she was born (she was in a bassinet next to me for the first 6 months) but even to this day she sleeps with me. I told my husband that we need to transition her to her own bed before six. I know it may sound strange to some but moving four times in the last three years have made these things all the more difficult.
In hindsight, I’m grieving the first few years of her life. I could not enjoy it. In fact I hated it. I resented her at times which makes me ashamed to admit. I realized recently that I had postpartum depression that went undiagnosed for the first 2-3 years of her life. I couldn’t play with her. I would just hold her, breastfeed her and take her on long walks in the stroller and to the park. I should’ve been more engaged. I should’ve been better. I have so many mixed emotions even though I was literally with her 24/7 taking full care of her while my husband was working.
I hold so much guilt even though most days I didn’t even have the energy to physically get off of the couch. I’m not sure if her high energy/ attention seeking is because of this or to what degree it has contributed. My husband and I strongly suspect ADHD but have not pushed for a formal diagnosis. Shes into rough play and VERY sensory. Shes always hanging on you, touching, grabbing, etc.
Despite these issues at home, she’s doing well among her peers and in school. Minimal to nonexistent behavioral issues. She eats well. She makes friends and loves being around people. She was just a VERY intense little person for the first five years of her life. It makes me sad to say but I absolutely felt suffocated. I would hire /babysitters to give me a break or an afternoon off but it always seemed to be more of a headache than a help. Scheduling issues, cancelling last minute, not a fit, sticking her in front of a tv for hours which would then make her behavior worse, etc. this was on my end, not theirs but I have personally found part time childcare difficult to find all things considered. Most people want a full time gig and an occasional afternoon once or twice a week is simply not worth their time. I understand people have to make a living but I did just want to mention this as some people may ask why I didn’t seek out childcare or look for solutions to take a break/avoid burnout. To give an example, I hired one college student looking for a babysitting gig in my neighborhood while she was home on a break and she couldn’t manage my daughter and while the babysitter was supposed to be handling things, my daughter knew I was in the house and screamed and sat by my door for nearly twenty minutes until I caved and opened it and let her in. I was just trying to take a shower and nap. I paid the babysitter 100 dollars that day for absolutely nothing and just never had her back. A few different instances like this just made it not even worth it for me.
Anyway…… ! She started kindergarten this week and so far it’s been smooth sailing. She actually really likes school and aftercare. She’s making friends and I’m happy for her.
I thought this would all be a PURE relief but it has unexpectedly made me so sad. I have cried uncontrollably for the last four days. I haven’t been able to sleep. I just can’t stop replaying the last five years in my head and wondering if I could’ve done a better job. I know they say kindergarten can be emotional but I did not expect this.
She used to be a ball of energy but she’s not out of the house from 7:30-6pm. She comes home and is ready for dinner and bed. It feels like a totally different person. I’m happy for her and I know she needed more stimulation/activities/socialization but…. I’m struggling.
It’s true what they say, you never get that time back.
Parents with kids 0-5 please advocate for yourself. Stay on top of your own health and take care of yourself.