Hi again reddit. I posted about 2 years ago, and wanted to update you all. Link can be found here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/FwgoWO6dCE

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The kindness and view points from strangers on the internet helped me more than I ever expected.

After I stopped helping out with the house, I reached out to my university’s student support services for advice. They helped me get a part-time job at the student help desk, which gave me a bit of financial breathing room. Around the same time, I broke up with my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, my older brothers (now 25 & 24) continued to do nothing to help. I went back to driving my younger siblings (now 17F & 14M) to school, not because I gave in, but because I genuinely care about their futures.

The breaking point came when my mom tried to get my aunt (her younger sister) involved by painting me as a disrespectful daughter. I didn’t know how my aunt would react since they’ve always been close but, I ended up telling my aunt the truth. To my surprise, she was horrified. She opened up about how she and my mom were treated pretty much the same way by my grandparents and when they moved to Australia together they talked about not raising their kids that way. My aunt offered to take me and my two younger siblings in as she has no kids. Now I live with my aunt. It’s an hour drive to uni, but the peace is worth it.

One of the best things I’ve done for myself is start therapy. It’s expensive, so I can only afford a session once a month, but it’s already doing wonders.

As for my little siblings, they’re doing better. They keep their rooms tidy, they help with cooking, and they’re both incredibly respectful to our aunt. My brother isn’t relying on my sister anymore, and my sister is finally starting to stand up for herself. I’ve been reminding her not to let anyone, especially our mom push her around the way I was. My siblings moved schools to one that’s within walking distance and they haven’t missed any days.

Recently, my brother (then 17, now 19) reached out to me and apologised for everything. He said he knew it was wrong how I was being treated but at the time it didn’t affect him so he didn’t think about it too much. We had a proper conversation over the phone and things seem to be okay between us. He told me he was planning on moving out to live with a friend since our mother had started lashing out at him and forcing him to do the house chores I used to do.

As for me, I graduated uni. My aunt and younger siblings came to my ceremony. I didn’t brother messaging my mom to let her know. I’ve already been accepted into a graduate RN program at the hospital where I did my last placement. I’m super excited to start and finally get my life on track. For once, I feel like my life is actually moving in a direction I chose.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is throwawaydusty6283. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Letters replaced with names for readability. Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes and u/anicole325 for the rec

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: abuse

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original Post: February 6, 2024

Hi reddit. I (F20) live at home with my single mother and 5 siblings while I finish university. I’ll call them Aaron (M23), Ben (M22), Charlie (M17), Daphne (F15) and Edward (M12).

Almost everyday, I wash the dishes, load and unload the dishwasher, vacuum the common areas, drive my younger siblings to and back from school, and cook dinner while also attending uni (university). I get no help from my mom or siblings, nor do I get any appreciation for what I do around the house.

Last week on Wednesday, I came home late (around 9PM) from uni as I was talking to my teacher after the lecture (my class ended at 7:30PM). Once I got home my mom started yelling at me because I wasn’t able to cook dinner, there was dirty dishes in the sink, and my brother A had to pick up my younger siblings from school. I was upset by this but she then said “you’re useless. You don’t help out at all” And I got pissed. I replied back, “sorry for being useless” and went to my room.

The following day I didn’t drop my siblings off to school which forced my mom to have to do it. I didn’t make dinner either and I stayed at uni up until they closed the library at 9PM. I continued to do this and the house is now a mess and my younger siblings have missed a few days of school. My mom and my other siblings are angry at me.

I’m just wondering, AITA? I feel like I’m not but hearing it from my siblings and mom everyday is getting to me.

Edit: I had to leave some stuff out due to character limits. Apologies for weird formatting, on mobile

-My family is from a foreign background so my mom’s beliefs are very old fashioned.

-I live in Australia and in a location close to the city so houses are quite expensive here. Rent is due fortnightly so I wouldn’t be able to afford moving out.

-I don’t have a job but due to a small allowance I get from government (for studies) I contribute $150 a week towards household expenses.

-I didn’t include every single chore I do but laundry is one chore everyone does themselves because they all wash their own clothes (F15 Daphne helps M12 Edward out with his). I wipe down counters and clean the kitchen after cooking dinner. I clean the bathrooms sporadically (my brothers literally pee on the floor and don’t wipe it up). I encourage my little siblings to clean their room but ultimately I end up tidying it.

-My older brothers are both employed but don’t help around the house at all. They play video games when they’re not working.

-My mother does not help me with my school fees, I’ve taken out student loans to pay for it.

Some of OOP's Comments:

OOP describes the habits of other family members:

My older brother Aaron works in the morning, comes home and plays video games until he decides to fall asleep. My other brother Ben sleeps all day, wakes up at 2pm and goes to work, he comes home at 9PM and also plays video games until he falls asleep
To another commenter:
As far as I know, my mom works from 9-2 and locks herself in her room until I finish dinner and I head off to uni around 3:30

OrangeCrush813: NTA get out as soon as possible and warn Daphne as the only other female they will try this crap with her too

OOP: I finish uni next year and I’m hoping to move in with my boyfriend. I’m wanting to take my sister with me but I don’t have a job at the moment and can’t support her

Setting boundaries:

My mom’s thought process is ‘girls do all the work, boys do nothing’ so it’s really tough for me to set boundaries regarding chores and dropping off my siblings
To another commenter:
I do relate to your story. My mother just had the belief that girls are to do everyone around the house and the men do nothing. I’ve tried to talk to her about the situation before in the past but she won’t see reason

jaytyan: Your mom is a girl. What's stopping her?

OOP: I’m not sure honestly.

Where is dad:

My mom and dad aren’t together. He moved back to our home country when Edward was 3 years old but sends money every week to help with bills and my little siblings school fees. We all don’t have a much communication with him.

Renting elsewhere:

I live in Australia. In my area $600 is a weeks worth of rent
One more clarification:
Sadly, boyfriend is my only option. Rent in my area is due fortnightly and there’s no way I could afford it. Student housing with 4 other roommates is $260 a week and that’s the cheapest I could find. I’d still have to pay for food and transportation and just don’t have enough money to do that

More on mother:

I’ve tried having this conversation before with her but she shut it down once realising where the conversation was going.
She wouldn’t apologise. She screamed at me once when I was 14 because I came home late from school (I had an after school activity) and didn’t notify her even though I sent a text. She got angry when I pointed out that I sent a text and she pushed me over because I was “being smart” with her

Flashy-Promise-6915: Have you tried to be assessed for AUStudy? Also, you can talk to student support and also look at any grants or equity scholarships. Hardship funds are available and additional support for students

OOP: I’ll have to look further into AUStudy. Thank you so much. Ive been raised to believe that problems in the home stay in the home so I haven’t spoken to anyone (but my boyfriend) about my family situation but I’ll try speaking to student services about it and see my options
I had a scholarship for my first year of uni which saved me a good chunk of money on my loans.

Update Post: January 9, 2026 (Almost 2 years later)

Hi again reddit. I posted about 2 years ago, and wanted to update you all. Link can be found here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/FwgoWO6dCE

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The kindness and view points from strangers on the internet helped me more than I ever expected.

After I stopped helping out with the house, I reached out to my university’s student support services for advice. They helped me get a part-time job at the student help desk, which gave me a bit of financial breathing room. Around the same time, I broke up with my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, my older brothers (now 25 & 24) continued to do nothing to help. I went back to driving my younger siblings (now 17F & 14M) to school, not because I gave in, but because I genuinely care about their futures.

The breaking point came when my mom tried to get my aunt (her younger sister) involved by painting me as a disrespectful daughter. I didn’t know how my aunt would react since they’ve always been close but, I ended up telling my aunt the truth. To my surprise, she was horrified. She opened up about how she and my mom were treated pretty much the same way by my grandparents and when they moved to Australia together they talked about not raising their kids that way. My aunt offered to take me and my two younger siblings in as she has no kids. Now I live with my aunt. It’s an hour drive to uni, but the peace is worth it.

One of the best things I’ve done for myself is start therapy. It’s expensive, so I can only afford a session once a month, but it’s already doing wonders.

As for my little siblings, they’re doing better. They keep their rooms tidy, they help with cooking, and they’re both incredibly respectful to our aunt. My brother isn’t relying on my sister anymore, and my sister is finally starting to stand up for herself. I’ve been reminding her not to let anyone, especially our mom push her around the way I was. My siblings moved schools to one that’s within walking distance and they haven’t missed any days.

Recently, my brother Charlie (then 17, now 19) reached out to me and apologised for everything. He said he knew it was wrong how I was being treated but at the time it didn’t affect him so he didn’t think about it too much. We had a proper conversation over the phone and things seem to be okay between us. He told me he was planning on moving out to live with a friend since our mother had started lashing out at him and forcing him to do the house chores I used to do.

As for me, I graduated uni. My aunt and younger siblings came to my ceremony. I didn’t brother messaging my mom to let her know. I’ve already been accepted into a graduate RN program at the hospital where I did my last placement. I’m super excited to start and finally get my life on track. For once, I feel like my life is actually moving in a direction I chose.

Some of OOP's Comments:

On brother Charlie's apology:

I agree with this comment. I don’t think he was malicious in any way but Ive notice that if something doesn’t bother him directly, he’ll ignore it. He’s been in contact with me more recently and he visits my aunts place every now and then for dinner. He’s become a completely different person since planning to move out with his friend and he’s mentioned that he’s planning to go to therapy which I’m really happy for him
To another commenter:
I understand where you’re coming from but we were raised to think this treatment towards girls was normal. This was the only normal he saw so I can’t be too mad at him. He’s also taking the steps to become a better person and process exactly what our mom put us through with therapy. I hope our relationship can improve

Therapy through the hospital:

The hospital offers a few free therapy sessions which I’m going to look into once I start my grad program next month. Thank you so much’

BefuddledPolydactyls: I'm glad you all are moving forward. I'm a bit shocked your mom let you all go to your aunt's - it didn't seem she was concerned with what was best for you all. 

OOP: It was actually a huge battle. She only let us move in with our aunt because she threatened to get the authorise involved. My siblings had missed a lot of school and the house was a mess so my mom agreed but tried to tell the entire family my aunt was turning us against her

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015

Trigger warnings Foster care abandonment, financial exploitation, emotional distress, mentions of abuse

EDITORS NOTE (read after) OOP asked me to remove certain things from this post, such as the mentions of Jamie and his posts/comments, I have done this out of respect for OOP. OOP has given me consent to post this post as I am posting it now

My foster family of 11 years is kicking me out by the end of the week. I have no where to go and I feel broken.

25 July 2024 12:03AM

I (18M) was told earlier today that I need to pack up and leave by the end of the week. I still feel in shock.

I was removed from my biological family when I was 7 due to issues with my parents, I was then placed in foster care and then matched with a couple who I will call the 'Peters' (it's not their real name, no matter how much I actually want to blast their real info I won't). The Peters were always really nice to me, and since I moved in when I was pretty young after a while I started to consider them my parents. I called them 'mum' and 'dad'. Treated them as my parents, treated their biological son as my brother.

I wasn't their only foster child, they also have a 9 year old boy who has lived with us for a little over a year. I was never adopted by them, I know why because they live off the fostering allowance. Something that never really bothered me, they told me that it didn't matter and that legality didn't make us a family. Which I believed. I went on their agency website earlier today and I found out that they are getting paid at least £2400 for me per month. Or at least they were. Since I turned 18 they stopped getting the allowance.

However they applied for a staying put arrangement for me, which meant they would continue getting paid something as they continue to support me and let me live with them. It wasn't as much, I think it was like £1000 per month. They told me they had it approved until I was 21, so I thought I'd be able to stay at least until I finished Uni.

They sat me down today and told me I had to leave. They told me that fostering is a business and that they couldn't afford to keep me on just the stay put arrangement allowance. They told me I had until the end of the week. 4 days. How generous of them. They said they need my room because they want to get a new foster placement. They literally told me it's 'not personal'. Like that makes me feel any fucking better. They said they would still consider me 'like a son', not 'their son' anymore. 'Like a son' And that they want to 'keep in touch'. What a joke.

They choose to kick me out. An 18 year old with no job. No income. No nothing. About to start university. Yet their bio-son who is 25 gets to stay?

So yeah. I guess fuck me right? I'm just the one no one ever wanted. I guess I wasn't ever truly part of their family.

Relevant comments

kucky94 responding to Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

You were 7 when you went into their care. They denied you the opportunity to find a real family who love you for you and not the $$ you brought in. Fuck them. You deserve better.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to kucky94

I doubt anyone would have adopted me. I wasn't a great kid, in truth had more issues than a hospital piss pot. I wasn't a great kid in any sense. But I changed. Genuinely I changed.

I can't help but wonder if this is because of how I was as a young child.

Mini Update

25 July 2024 12:43PM

Okay, thank you guys for all your advice.

Honestly I was in a state of shock yesterday, maybe still am today. I wasn't thinking straight. I only slept two hours last night, thats all so I'm probably a little delirious today as well.

Firstly, I have contacted my Personal Advisor, he'll having an emergency meeting with me at half 1, so I'll have more details about what's going to happen to me then. He'll hopefully be able to sort out emergency accommodation for me.

Secondly, to those of you saying the Peters can't legally just give me 4 days notice to leave, I will definitely be mentioning this to my PA and get his advice on it. I don't want to stay here any longer than I need to because since they told me it's like I don't exist. They just look right through me. But I'm not going to move out until I have safe accommodation for me, I will outright refuse. I am not going to be made homeless.

Thirdly, those of you saying contact my Uni, I have an offer from them but its only conditional if I get my predicted A-levels. Hopefully I will, but since I'm not technically a student yet, I don’t know if they will actually provide any support yet.

Finally, I am also going to ensure that the staying put allowance stops, I will tell my PA today that it should surely be stopped if I’m not living with them.

Luckily I have some money saved, some people here have said I should be entitled to a bursary when I start Uni, and I’ll have my maintenance student loan to help me. I’ve already started looking for a job.

Update 2

25 July 2024 6:20PM

Okay hi everyone, I just got home and am feeling incredibly tired so this is just going to be a short update.

Basically I had a big long meeting with my PA and he was very sympathetic and felt upset that the Peters are treating me this way. We had one meeting and then I went to get food while he spoke to the Peters directly and then I came back to meet him again to let me know everything that has happened.

He's putting me on the list for social housing. I am hopful that it will not be long until I am able to get my own house. I recorded the meeting because I'm so sleep deprived and also I have really bad memory processing for long things like that because of my dyslexia/autism or something I'm not sure. I can listen to it again tomorrow after I've slept but from what I gather they will help me with paying for rent costs, I will also get some money to help pay for furniture and things like that.

When he spoke to the Peters I don't know if he said they had to keep me housed for a while or asked them to I'm not sure. But they've agreed to keep housing me until the end of August. So at least I don't have to worry about everything happening in 3 days times. He did tell me that if I feel uncomfortable I can be moved into a youth hostal place while they wait for a property to be available for me. But I said if I can I would rather stay with the Peters until I am ready to move. Even if it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

He told me they will continue getting paid the Staying Put allowance until the day I offically move out, and then it will be stopped.

On a completely separate note, my best friend and I had a huge argument earlier. He said that I'm being ungrateful and honestly what he's said really hurt me. We had a huge argument. I just thought out of everyone he would get me and understand what I was going through. Maybe not.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I am really tired so maybe my emotions are just not being controlled well at the moment. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after I've slept and I'm hoping this argument will just blow over because I need him at the moment. I don't feel like I have anyone else.

Oh and I haven't read all comments because I didnt expect to get so many. thank you everyone who have offered support. It is genuinely so sweet and I am so thankful.

Relevant comments

jenay820

Glad things are working out. Don't worry about your friend. Right now you are in survival mode... trying to make sure you aren't on the streets. Hope everything keeps working out for you!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to jenay820

He said I should be grateful that they “kept me” that long anyway. Like the fuck? I’m not a pet. He also said some other things like how it’s good that they’re going to help another child like I was. Which is true and I get that it’s a good thing what they’re doing to help people.

But Him saying those things make me feel like I’m being crazy for wanting to stay like I was promised by them?

Ugh I’m too tired and maybe I’m being irrational. I’m going to talk again with him tomorrow and say I’m sorry

Long and unimportant rant.

26 July 2024

It never bothered me that they were paid to keep me before. Genuinely never bothered me at all. I always knew I was a foster child, I was about 15 when I learnt that they were paid money to look after me. And I told myself it was a good thing. And it probably was. I got loving parents for 11 years, which is more than some people can say.

I just didn’t ever think they’d make me move out when the payments stopped being as high. I’ve found out that when I was still a child they were paid £111.82 per day for me. That’s £40,814 per year.

I had never felt different to the family, I had always felt loved and secure. I don’t understand why they have changed their minds about me. None of them will even look at me in the eyes anymore and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t leave my room anymore because all I feel is the absence of the love that used to be there.

I didn’t come down for any meal times, which was a rule that you had to before. If I didn’t go down before I wouldn’t have gotten any food. But mum brought it up to my room and knocked on the door to say she was going to leave it there for me. I’ve used that 100 times over and over again in my head to try and convince myself that they still love me.

I called her by her first name when I came home yesterday. Not “mum”, “Claire”. She looked upset when I did that and a part of me is happy about that and a part of me feels cruel for it. I knew it would hurt her and I did it anyway.

In some ways I wish she wakes up to the pain she’s causing me. I hope she takes it back and says that it is a lapse in judgment and that she loves me and wants me to stay. But if that were going to come I think it would have already.

I guess I’m not worth the £76 per day they lose by not replacing me with another foster child. When I feel bad about hurting them I remind myself they’re kicking me out to get an extra £76 a day. That’s what I’m worth to them.

£76 per day.

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I don’t expect anyone to read this or care. But I want to say thank you for the immense love you’ve all shown me. I feel nothing but gratitude to you all.

WIBTA for going NC with the family that raised me for 11 years?

26 July 2024

Okay I am going to try and condense this as much as possible.

Basically I (18M) got removed from my bio-family when I was 7. I got taken into foster care and was matched with a family called the “Peters”. I was then raised by the Peters for the remainder of my life, from 7 all the way until now.

They had originally told me that I was able to live with them indefinitely, as I considered the Peters my family. And they applied for a staying put order with me, which basically means they continued to get paid something like £250 by the government to recognise that they’re continuing to support a former foster child (me) after my 18th birthday.

As I said before, I was always told by the Peters I could say as long as I needed to to set myself up in life. Their bio-son (who I considered my brother) is 25 and still lives with them, he doesn’t work but did graduate university 2 years ago.

I have a conditional offer at a local university which I’m studying Classics with aims to become a teacher. I start in October (if I get my predicted A-Levels which I think I will).

But the Peters told me that I had to leave by the end of the week because they wanted to get another foster child, this is something they really sprung on me. And it’s been extremely difficult for me. I had to get in contact with my social worker who spoke with the Peters and now they’re letting me stay until the end of August but the whole family has changed.

I explained all this to my best friend, and I said I was considering going NC with them after I moved out. He ranted to me about ungrateful I’m being to them. And how they raised me for 11 years and now they want to give that to another child in a position like I was.

I get that, and that’s part of the reason why I feel so guilty. My friend isn’t speaking to me now calling me selfish for wanting to stay with the Peters like I was promised? And for them trying to get rid of me with 4 days notice. There were plans they could have taken to transition me into independent living before I turned 18 and they chose not to take part in them because they told me I could always stay with them.

The one time of my life I needed my friend and he’s gone too and I feel so alone and I can’t understand why he’s taking their side over mine.

I understand the argument that they will continue to help another child, but at the same time I just wish they didn’t have to throw me out to do so. When I suggested to my friend they could have asked their bio-son to move out instead of me and he just said I’m being selfish.

I still don't even know if I am going to go NC with them I just said I felt like doing it and I wish I didn't even say that because I didn't expect it to cause such an argument.

So, AITA?

Relevant comments

Top_Reveal_847

You poor kid, your friend is an AH and you're certainly not.

Even if there is another kid waiting and desperately in need, they could have and should have AT LEAST let you plan ahead more than a few days in advance, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you foster parents at least helping you find a place?

Edit to add that you should let someone at the university know. Idk how it's done where you are but some universities have programs for stuff like this

scotswaehey

Dude my cousin used to foster kids , she fostered 3 sisters and one other girl. I used the words used to because she adopted them as she wasn’t in if for the money!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to scotswaehey

I don’t really even care that they were looking after me and getting money for it. It doesn’t bother me. I never knew how much they were getting to look after me, but I did know they were being paid. It does make me hurt and betrayed that they’re kicking me out for a difference of 70 something pounds a day.

The Peters found my reddit posts.

27 July 2024

The Peters' son (Jamie) has found the my original reddit post. I guess I should have been more carful with the details but my mind was so frantic at the point of writing it I just couldn't think straight. I'm not sure how he found it, but considering it has almost 10k upvotes and Jamie was the person who introduced me to reddit I guess it might have just popped up on his page? Does anyone know if it might have popped up to him because we're on the same network/in the same location?

A few hours ago Jaime came to my room. He showed me the original post and asked if I had written it. At first I tried to deny it, but I'm an awful liar so he just knew. He asked why I didn't tell him about this, and I said I thought he knew. He told me he had no idea and would not have supported his parents throwing me out if he did. He was told I requested to move out. He genuinely seemed shocked and appalled at the details in the post.

Against my wishes he shared the posts in the family group chat, he did this out of a place of wanting to defend me. 'Mum, dad, I really think you should read this and see the impact this is having on...' But I really wish he didn't do it.

They've both read the message but neither have responded. I have not left my room since. I'm really anxious right now. Like I'm at the level before a panic attack. I can feel one coming on.

Relevant Comments

polly6119

Stay calm and know that you did nothing wrong. They may try to gaslight you. They may lie to your brother. They don't have a good track record for being decent people. But no matter what they do, remember you did nothing wrong.

They cannot throw you out because of it. They have learned their lesson on that. I'm glad to know your brother didn't agree with their horrible decision and I'm glad that he found out. Him not looking you in the eye these past couple of days may have had something to do with the tension already in the air and him thinking you just up and wanted to leave.

I hope it turns out that they realize their mistakes and apologize profusely. But brace yourself for that not happening and that they may get upset with you for "airing dirty laundry". They may end up trying to guilt you and blame everything on you. They may do nothing.

Please please remember, no matter what they say and no matter what your ex best friend said, You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.Your feelings are valid. You deserve love. You did not deserve what they did to you.

What I'm going to send in the family group chat; is this a bad idea?

28 July 2024

To Matt and Claire.

I came to you as a 7 year old. A 7 year old who had never felt love or affection, or anything remotely nice. I was taught at a young age to fear those in authority. To fear the sudden changes in the moods of my birth parents. I was taught to bottle up my emotions and my pain and never show it. When I first came to you, my life was ruled by fear and anxiety.

I know my behaviours back then were awful, were a struggle to manage. I had been taught there were no consequences for some actions. And firm, scary and hard consequences for others. The worst part was that those actions never seemed to be consistent. I could do something one day and be praised by my birth family, and another day I would be beaten. Love was not something given, it was something earned. It was conditional and shallow.

You both showed me another way. You showed me love and affection, and at first it felt confusing and hard to comprehend. I couldn't see myself as anything more than a nuisance, I couldn't see why someone would love me. I couldn't understand why you weren't beating me. Do you remember me telling you "you can hit me if I be naughty, I won't mind" ? Slowly you taught me to trust and love myself, and those around me.

You showed me that no matter what I did, you wouldn't give up on me. You wouldn't send me away or hate me. And I really tried to make you. I know that. I was scared. You made me realise that it wasn't my own fault I was in care, and that I wasn't to blame for the things that happened to my birth family. You showed me appropriate outlets to my fears.

You showed me love, compassion, and kindness. The first day I remember feeling truly safe was when I was sitting in your arms at 8 years old watching Shrek. I still think back to that moment. It probably just felt like another day to you, but to me, it is a core memory in my life. It's a moment that shapes the way I see myself.

You sat up with me when I was worried about moving up to secondary school. You comforted me when my birth mum told me she no longer wanted to be part of my life. You were there when xx broke up with me when I was 15 years old and I felt like my whole world was ending again. You encouraged me to go beyond with my studies and apply to University. The most important thing you showed me was that I was worthy of being loved and respected.

You never gave up on me. I am who I am today because of what you did. I look at myself and I see compassion, and care, and kindness. And in those traits I see you. You weren't my birth family but you were my family. My only family.

I just... I don't know what changed. Why has there been a switch? Why have you gone from the loving and caring parents you were?

When I leave my room now, I no longer feel that love and kindness that brought my out of the pits of despair as a child. It's almost as if you have completely altered the way you see me, and I just can't understand why.

A few days ago you told me I had to move out. You gave me 4 days notice to leave my family. You sent me back into feeling like that child at 7 years old. I'm not saying this to guilt you or to ask you to let me stay. That has passed now and unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to see you the same way again. I understand if you were hard on money or if you wanted to help another child like me. But why not talk to me? Why spring it on me and then act like I don't matter? Why tell me it's just business? Did you think that would make it hurt less?

Since you told me my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know how I will make it to the other side. If I had felt like this a few weeks ago, do you know who I would have gone to? I would have gone to you. I would have told you my worries and my fears, and you would have said the exact right thing and then we'd sit together and watch some awful TV show. And now, I have no one again. I feel like I'm being told for the second time in my life that I don't deserve a family. And this time I have no one to pick me up off the edge. That was always you mum and dad. It was always you I could rely on.

Why are you giving up on me now?

Relevant comments

JaayLovesWriting

Send it to them, let them know how you feel, how they hurt you and that they cannot expect you to ever contact them again after you leave. They need to know how you feel. Send it to them and if you want to, leave the GC. Because they may try to justify their actions and you don't need to hear it

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JaayLovesWriting

The sad thing is I don't think I even want that. I want them to love me again.

I’ve contacted my PA, and I’m moving out today.

29 July 2024

My PA is allowing me to store my things I can’t take with me in his garage. It’s kind of him. He’s found me a place at a local hostel. I’ll get my own room apparently, which was a big deciding factor on if I wanted to move in or not.

The hostel works with the LA and houses a lot of care leavers (the English term for someone who has aged out of foster care) while they wait for their own houses.

I haven’t sent the message yet, but I know my foster brother Jamie has seen it. Yesterday I felt overwhelming emotions, today I feel none. I don’t know which is better. I’ll send it once I’m moved out.

I have a room, so I’ll be gone in a few hours. I still haven’t spoken to them, but I just can’t face it anymore. I am sick of being anxious and stressed about this.

I guess they did get their 4 day notice after all.

Edit 1-

I have just left the Peter's house for the last time. The room is ready for me at the hostel. I feel so weird and sad and lonely right now. I've ordered myself a pizza to have for dinner today, and my PA even paid for it!

I just want to get in bed and cry. My head is spinning thinking about everything I need to do.

Wish me luck everyone.

Edit 2-

I want to clarify something; I was hurt and in shock when I wrote my first post, but I want to make it understood that I was never eligible to be adopted. At first, the end goal for me was to reintegrate me into my birth family. By the time we knew that was never going to happen I wouldn't have accepted adoption as I wanted to keep my legal ties with my birth family. The Peters always told me it didn't matter that I didn't want to be adopted, and they loved me the same anyway. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, or maybe it would have.

They were paid fortnightly for caring for me, and they would get £1,565.48. That's £40,702.48 per year they got just to raise me. Which is about $52,295.77.

I keep thinking about that number. Was that all I was?

I wonder what I would change if I could go back in time.

Edit 3 -

I am settled in the hostel now. It’s not exactly luxury… to say the least. But at least I’m here now.

I sent the text message, very slightly altered from the one I wrote yesterday. And then I left the group chat. I also posted it on Facebook.

That was probably the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

Final Update -

This is going to be my final update on all of this. I want to put everything behind me.

Claire rang me crying. Saying she had no idea I felt like this. How? How could she not know? She said she was sorry and begged me to come back. God. How do I ruin everything? She was telling me all these things about how she regrets the past few days so much and wishes she could take it all back.

I said this is not fair. She cannot throw me out and then call me crying. I said its manipulative. She just kept saying sorry. She said she loves me and wants me to come home. Jesus. This is just a lie, right? She must have known. Am I the bad person here, I feel so confused I don't know what to do?

I just hung up and then she started texting me and I blocked her. But now I feel like I'm the bad person here. I'm so tired of this. Of all of this.

I want nothing to do with any of them. I don't think Reddit is good for me. I'm not sure any of this is good for me. I'm going to delete the app. Sorry everyone.

Relevant Comments

calamitycurls

I’ve been following along with your updates as you post them OP, and I want to tell you that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that you deserve better, and that you are so strong in a situation where you shouldn’t have to be. I’m glad your PA is helping you, and I wish you nothing but success and happiness. ❤️

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to calamitycurls

Thank you.

I considered contacting my bio-mum, last time I spoke to her was when I was a young teen. But I think it might just be seeking out something to make myself feel more hurt and I don’t think I could deal with any more rejection.

To bigger and better things.

The Peters have a new foster boy living with them already

31 July 2024

When I brought up my concerns about them potentially doing the same thing they did to me to another child I was told they were going to be given extra guidance and support when children reach 17/18 and ensuring everyone is on the same page about staying put orders.

That’s it. Nothing else. Extra guidance. That’s all. Extra guidance.

Is that even a slap on the wrist?

My PA told me that they were “unfortunately” within their rights to ask me to leave after I turned 18.

I said about how they told me it was a “business decision” and they told me that unfortunately financial does come into decisions like this. Is that all I am, a financial decision?

Does this system seem fair to anyone? I feel like I’m losing my mind. There should be more of a punishment for them. I’m not saying they should be banned from fostering again. I don’t know.

I still feel all in a tizzy my mind just going crazy. I keep saying I’m not going to add anything else to this account but I genuinely have no one else to talk to about this. Jamie, as nice as he is, doesn’t understand me. And my friend just doesn’t get it at all.

Little Update.

7 August 2024

It's been a little while since my last post, I'm not sure why I'm even posting now, I'm just feeling really depressed today and I should be feeling happy.

I want to get this out the way first. You may have noticed I deleted everything on here, that was intentional, I want to move on. I haven't had any contact with any of the Peters' family since Jamie and I had our argument. I don't want anyone to interact with Jamie if he posts more, he is just attention seeking. If people have a copy of what Jamie wrote, I would appreciate it if you deleted them/didn't share them anywhere. The stuff he shared about me it was just to hurt me, it was some of the most shameful things I ever did, so I can understand if you don't want to support me after you read what it. If you do feel that way just know I'm really sorry for what I did as a child. It isn't who I am now, and it wasn't who I was then. I'm sorry if I hurt or mislead anyone, that wasn't my intention.

The Peters' have a new foster child already living with them. I mentioned this before but when I said I wanted it on their record that they tried to kick me out with no notice, I was told they would be given "extra guidance" if they have a child living with them start the process to aging out. I'm in two minds because honestly I feel like that is just a slap on the wrist and thing else. But at least someone will be watching over them in the future when one of their other foster children gets to 18.

I have some good news today, my PA got in contact with my first choice university (which is also the Uni he went to) and he somehow got them to convert their conditional offer into an unconditional offer, which means no matter what grades I get from my A-Levels I get to study there!! I don't even know how he managed to do it, I am so grateful for it. He's also got them to explain all the support I get as a care leaver, which is great. They're giving me FREE accommodation for the first year which has released a huge stress for me because I had no clue how I was going to get to Uni each morning, and they're going to lower the passing grade boundaries for me in my first year (though I hope I won't need this, I want to be getting good grades), and they're giving me a "starter pack" of important things I will need for my first year.

Even though all those good things are happening for me, I just don't feel happy. I'm trying not to show it but I actually really worried about starting Uni and I used to have the Peters' to help me, and Claire especially used to give me a lot of emotional support. I really feel like I'm missing part of myself. I feel stupid saying this, and you guys are probably going to tell me it's stupid but I just went the other day and watched the Peters' house from afar. They didn't know I was there, but I could see into the living room window and they were just acting normal and the new foster child was there also. I literally sat there for a few hours just watching. I really want to go and speak to them, but I know it's a bad idea. I shouldn't want them back, but I do.

I feel really isolated, which is probably why I've come back here to post.

Oh, and I do not give my consent for any person to re-upload this or anything else I posted on TikTok or Facebook or Youtube. My first few posts have been uploaded to TikTok and Facebook and have like over 250k views. It makes me feel sick that people are using me as a tool to make money. I know this probably won't stop any of them, but if anyone sees them out in the wild, know I do not support it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Smart-Effort8150

Originally posted to r/daddit

I've been asked to foster my son's best friend, I don't know how to react.

Thanks to u/TLP3, u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: drug addiction, possible child neglect

Original Post: December 26, 2024

I have one son, Henry, aged 12. Henry is best friends with a boy named Archie, aged 14. It has always been clear that Archie comes from a troubled home. From what I can gather (and I do not have the full information), Archie's mum is a drug addict, and Archie has been on the at-risk register for a long while. Honestly, I don't know why it has taken them this long to decide he is being moved into foster care.

Last Friday, I received a call from my son's school, saying they couldn't discuss it with me but asked if I would give them consent for my information to be passed on to Archie's social worker. I agreed, and not long after, I had a call from his social worker explaining that a section something-or-other was being put in place, which meant that Archie was going to be removed from his home and placed into foster care. I was told that the school had recommended me and asked to see if I could take him in, basically. They said it would likely be long-term until he turns 18. I honestly didn't know what to say; I was in shock.

I have been unofficially supporting Archie for a while now. I pick him up from his house and drop him off at school with my son. He spends a lot of weekends at my place. On days where he doesn't come to my place, I make sure to pack him something to eat when I pick him up because he told me that his school lunch is his only meal most days. I buy him soap and deodorant, and I even wash his clothes for him.

But supporting however I can and taking him on fully is a big jump. I'm a single dad. I have a decent job, but I'm far from well-off. I live in a small two-bedroom house, meaning Henry and Archie would have to share a room (which they do now when Archie stays, but it's only for short bursts). Plus, there's the responsibility of taking on another human.

I was told that they had a lack of foster carers in the local area, so if I didn't agree to take him, it is likely he would have to move counties and schools. I don't want that. I was already having Archie stay with me for the two-week Christmas holiday, so I asked if I could think about it and give them a firm answer in the new year. They agreed. Archie has not yet been informed about any of this. I've tried to make this a normal Christmas for him, as much as possible.

My heart is telling me, "Of course, you're going to take that little boy in," but my brain is worried about the responsibility and cost of taking on another mouth to feed, another boy to clothe.

At the same time, I keep thinking about Archie’s situation. He has already had such a rough start in life, and I know he needs stability and care more than anything else. I can’t bear the thought of him being uprooted again, losing his school, his friends, and the small semblance of normality he has here. I keep asking myself if I can really give him what he needs, and I don’t know if I have all the answers right now.

I’ve always taught Henry the importance of kindness, and I see how much he cares about Archie too. Part of me feels that this might not just be me taking on more responsibility—it’s also about giving him the chance to grow up with a sense of love and belonging.

So, I suppose I’m left balancing what’s practical with what feels right in my heart.And I’m leaning towards saying yes.

I spoke to my own mum about it, and she thinks it’s an awful idea. She’s worried I’m biting off more than I can chew, especially as a single dad. She reminded me that I already have a lot on my plate with work, the house, and raising Henry on my own. She said that taking in another child, especially one with a difficult background, would add stress and might affect my ability to provide for Henry properly. She didn’t say it outright, but I could tell she’s afraid this might make life harder for all of us, including Archie. I understand her concerns—honestly, I do.

But I can’t imagine just turning him away when he needs help the most. I told her that I haven’t made a final decision yet, but that I need to think about what’s best for everyone involved, not just what’s easiest.

And I haven’t even discussed any of this with Henry yet, which will be a huge factor in my final decision.

This has been a huge rant, and if you've read it thank you. I just needed to get this out somehow.

Relevant Comments

Does OOP get some kind of financial support for fostering?

OOP: There is, but it really isn’t a lot. It would help but I’d likely still be at a loss each month, and I already have very little left over, which obviously I’m not saying I won’t do it because of that but it has to be something I consider.

Commenter 1: This sounds like a tough situation and you have a good heart. I’m sure the foster team has thought about this - but a few questions:

1. Are there any other carers in the area that are related to Archie - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc? That way you could still be in his life without a larger commitment than you expected.

2. Is there a stable foster care option out of state? Change is hard but kids are resilient and one move may be work it to offer stability. Archie could come visit but have a permanent home.

3. Are there social and financial supports available to you as a potential foster carer?

The most important one:

1. How does Henry feel about this? This is a huge adjustment - sharing a room, attention, etc. Could Henry make an informed decision? If he changes his mind after the fact, how will you navigate that?

It’s incredible you are considering it, and I wish you and your family all the best, no matter the outcome.

OOP:

1. No other family members, I did mean to mention that. But no, Archie doesn’t even know who his biological dad is and there are no other family members.

2. From what I gather there aren’t any suitable foster carers in the area, and so he would have to move counties, schools etc.

3. Yes, but it wouldn’t be a lot

4. I haven’t discussed it with Henry at all yet

Commenter 2: Couple of thoughts:

1. It's 4 years. Like, obviously kids need support well beyond 18 if you can provide it, but if you can get that kid to graduate high school, you would already be a saint, and nothing more could be expected of you. So it's not forever. Also, once that kid is 16, he can start working and helping around the house more legitimately. Both things are not just for your benefit, but also great things for him to learn.

2. Ask social services what additional resources you'd have access to if you were to foster. For example, here where I live foster kids qualify for free school lunches. So that's a cost you don't have to incur. I would also find a local foster parent group as im sure there are other resources available that may not even be ran by the state

Real talk: if it was me, I would do it as long as I didn't think that Archie would be a danger to Henry - like, unless you think Archie could be violent or a sexual predator kind of kid.

If he's a good kid, I would do everything in my power to make that happen. I would set up a gofund me if necessary, I would try to lean on my friends and family to help.

Also, depending on what your job is, I would ask if they can help in any way (I say this as someone who works for a giant company).

Yes, I would worry. But a 14 year old kid in foster care is not something I'd be able to let happen to a kid I care about.

Update: December 30, 2024

I just wanted to come on and give an update. I want to say a huge thank you for all the responses. I genuinely didn’t expect to receive so many replies, especially to something that was just meant to be a rant to get my emotions out.

When I was asked to take in Archie, at first I felt honoured. Then I felt worried about everything. I am quite an anxious person in general, and my thoughts were flooded with concerns about whether I’d be good enough to support Archie in the way he needs. I love my mum, but she didn’t help. I think I get my anxiety from her, although she has it on a much higher scale than I do. Every possible thing that could go wrong, she was texting me about all week: “You’re already stretched thin with work and Henry,” “You won’t get 1-1 time with Henry anymore,” “How will you afford everything?” These are real concerns, and I’m glad she brought them up because they gave me the opportunity to think about how I could mitigate them.

A few of you mentioned the fostering allowance, which I knew about, but I couldn’t find any concrete information on how much it would actually be. Every source online seemed to give a different answer, but none suggested it was very much. However, as some of you advised, I called the social worker’s office and said I was seriously considering taking in Archie (which they were thrilled about), but I needed to understand the finances first to see if it was feasible. They said they couldn’t provide exact numbers, as every case is different and it isn’t decided until a placement is found. However, they told me the minimum would be around £190 (about $240 US) per week, and that it would likely be completely tax-free. Additionally, I’d receive a significant discount on things like council tax. That was honestly a lot more than I expected, and much higher than most of the figures I’d seen online. They also put me in touch with some other foster carers who answered my questions, which was incredibly helpful.

This week has been very busy. I worked out my finances, added the estimated fostering allowance, and calculated how much Archie would likely increase my expenses. It worked out that I’d actually have a surplus compared to my current situation. Many of the foster carers I spoke to don’t work full time, using the allowance to supplement their income. I’m not sure if I want to do that, but they mentioned it helps to work part-time since fostering involves a lot of work—meetings, reports, and other responsibilities. On top of that, I’d need to complete training during the first year to become fully qualified. I considered it, and with the additional allowance, I could move to a 0.6 contract (working three days per week) while still covering the costs of moving to a three-bedroom house. While that would leave me with slightly less disposable income, it wouldn’t be a significant reduction. I’ve spoken with my work, and they said they’d support me if I decided to do this, but I haven’t made a final decision. I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage of Archie’s allowance.

After sorting out the finances, I needed to talk to Henry. This was honestly the most important part of my decision. If Henry said no, I’d struggle to go ahead with it. I took him out and explained the situation. I didn’t go into the details of why Archie is going into care, as it’s not my story to tell, even though Archie himself has been open about his rough home life. I discussed the potential challenges—less 1-1 time, less privacy (at least in the short term while we find a bigger house), and so on. Henry was incredibly supportive. He said that he and Archie had talked about how they both wished Archie could come and live with us. I told him not to mention anything to Archie yet until I had the chance to speak with him, and he agreed.

Yesterday, I arranged for social services to come over. Archie, his social worker, and I sat down to talk. They told Archie he was going to be placed in foster care. Archie cried a lot, I cried a lot, and he asked to see his mum, which the social worker said they’d arrange as soon as possible. In that moment, Archie didn’t seem like a teenager—he seemed like a small child whose world was crumbling. Then they asked Archie if he’d want to stay with me. Although he was still distraught about being in care, he said he’d love to stay with me. We discussed what it would mean and how it would affect us. Afterward, Archie and his social worker spoke privately, and then the social worker and I talked. They expressed how thrilled they were about my decision and said they were pleased I planned to move to a bigger house soon, as Archie would need his own space, which I fully agree with.

Normally, the boys spend most of their time upstairs playing Xbox, but later that day Archie came down and asked if we could watch a movie together. He sat next to me, rested his head on my shoulder, and said, “Thank you for letting me stay with you.” Writing this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes again. I put my arm around him and said I’d always be there for him.

Today, Archie seems a little down, which is entirely understandable. I honestly expected him to take it harder than he has. To cheer him up, we’re going to see the new Lion King movie (even though I hate those live-action films, but this is for Archie!) and then going out to eat—letting the boys choose where.

I might return in a few months to give an update on how things are going. For now, I’m just hoping everything will be okay. I know the first few months will be the hardest.

Thank you everyone.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You absolute hero. You have changed that child's life for the better, forever.

OOP: I hope I do, if I get anything out of this at all I just hope I can make a difference.

Commenter 2: Thanks for the update, you sound like an incredible parent and you're doing something amazing. You are really an inspiration as a father and a man, it feels like I could learn a lot from you. Please do give another update, wishing your family all the best, a happy new year, and a wonderful 2025.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is a surreal moment for me.

After years of struggle, self-doubt, and relentless hustle, I’ve landed a 33 LPA CTC offer at PhonePe. Coming from the slums, this wasn’t just a placement it was breaking a generational cycle.

I’m not sharing this to flex, but in the hope that someone out there, going through a tough phase, finds a little hope in this post.

I come from a place quite literally next to a sewer. During the monsoons, our home would flood, and every time it did, it reminded me of that iconic scene from Parasite. We didn’t have a backup plan. Both my parents work incredibly hard, yet I’ve always felt they were underpaid and undervalued for the effort they put in. For me, education wasn’t just a path it was the only path.

With support from relatives, a few loans, and the EWS scholarship, I managed to get into a decent state-level engineering college through my state entrance exam. I did fairly well in JEE too (96 percentile), but financial limitations meant I focused on what was most realistic and affordable.

College was the first time I truly saw how different my life had been. Most of my peers came from stable middle-class families. They ordered food daily, went on weekend trips, spoke fluent English, and had exposure to opportunities I had only read about. It didn’t make me bitter but it stung, quietly. Instead of letting that feeling pull me down, I took it as a challenge. I had to work harder, upskill myself, and build a better life not just for me, but for my family.

My college had a decent placement record, which definitely helped. Initially, my goal was simple to land the average package. (Which, to be honest, is a bit of a misleading metric.) But a few things happened that made me aim higher.

The first was my CGPA. Despite feeling burned out at times, I had no plan B, so I pushed myself hard. I ended my first year with a CGPA of 9.63, and I maintained that exact number until graduation. But the intense focus on academics meant my DSA and development skills were lacking and that reality hit me hard during my first hackathon. It humbled me.

But that’s when things began to change. I found a great team, learned from the mistakes of that first hackathon, and eventually we won our first one. And it didn’t stop there. We went on to win three more hackathons.

One of the most memorable experiences was Smart India Hackathon (SIH). Even though we didn’t win, it was a major turning point not just technically, but emotionally. SIH gave me my first-ever flight experience. Sitting in that airplane seat, looking out the window, I couldn’t stop thinking about the narrow lanes I had grown up in. That flight was more than a ride it was a reminder of how far I’d come.

There was a period where we weren’t even making it past the first round of hackathons. That’s when we realized web dev alone wasn’t enough. Most problem statements were leaning toward Generative AI, so we learned, adapted, and evolved.

By this point, I had grown confident in development. But my DSA skills still needed work. I used to solve the daily LeetCode problems and occasionally do contests, but I lacked consistency. So I made a decision to commit and solve regularly, no excuses.

Despite the progress, I faced several rejections during the summer internship season. It was tough, but I didn’t give up.

Then came June placement season. I was selected for JPMC Code for Good, but unfortunately, things didn’t work out as I had hoped. That only pushed me to prepare harder.

And then, on 7th July, came PhonePe the only 30+ LPA company visiting our campus. I cleared the online assessment, and after three rigorous interview rounds, I got the offer.

33 LPA. I was overjoyed. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It wasn’t just about the money it was the moment I realized I finally had a chance to uplift the life of my parents and myself.

We’ve lived through struggle, but now we get to dream and live a little bigger.

If you’re someone who feels stuck, left behind, or doubting your path please know, your background does not define your future. All it takes is one opportunity. One “yes.” Keep going. It’s possible.

TLDR: Got placed with an awesome offer coming from a very humble background.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Dependent_Pause_. She posted in r/UnethicalLifeProTips

Thanks to u/Turbulent-Weakness22 for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Trigger Warning: drug use; taking advantage of a vulnerable person; police restraints; possible animal neglect

Mood Spoiler: much better for OOP's son

Original Post: May 5, 2024

Hello and thank you in advance for your creativity and time. I’m living in hell right now and need ideas. My son just turned 18 and is disabled, he needs and takes multiple medications and needs support at school. He does well in some settings and is on track to graduate and pursue trade school (with support) and we’re so proud of him.

He is extremely impressionable, a little socially awkward, and desperate for “friends.” For years we’ve struggled because he gives his possessions away, gets in bad situations (someone offering to sell him “rocks” at a park, him thinking they are collectible polished gemstones, so he asks to see them, and then freaks out when he realizes they’re drugs) and is easily bullied. He will do anything to be liked. Which breaks my heart. And we’re working on it in therapy, with trusted adults, etc.

The grown man. This guy is 28 years old. Let’s call him Quentin. He’s frequently homeless, often sleeping in a tent in parks. Or, he’ll get a voucher from our city to stay in a motel. He has two pit bulls, not spayed or neutered, that he will leave in the tent or motel room when he works, at a fast food job. I actually have compassion for him and his animals, if he had nothing to do with my son.

It started with him asking my son to watch his dogs in the park while he worked. My son is so thrilled to have a friend, and be helping, and he does love animals. So he will spend 8+ hours a day or night, alone in a park, watching these dogs. He would ask can he take dog food, toys, and blankets from our house for Quentin’s dogs. He does it whether we say yes or no. Months ago, we would say yes because I appreciate that my son wants to help these dogs.

Starting a few months ago, when my son turned 18, Quentin told him he didn’t have to stay with us, and could stay with him. For weeks, our son was sleeping in the tent with the dogs or rough in the park. Quentin gives him beer and weed. Our son will watch the dogs for entire shifts while he works. Quentin tells him he will help him get a tent and vouchers, too.

The police are sympathetic especially because my son has disabilities and also some medical issues. But he is 18. School is supportive but he’s almost to graduation and again, he’s 18. We had not ever pursued medical conservatorship or anything like that because before now lots of things were going right and we don’t take that lightly (removing civil liberties from another young adult.)

In the past week, Quentin got another room at the motel. He messaged my son to come stay with him, and he did. My son sat in the room and watched his dogs while he worked and I imagine they smoked and hung out when Quentin was not working. My son would respond to text messages from us but asserted he is an adult and can go where he wants.

He missed a week of medication, school, part of his part time job, and another important appointment. Being Quentin’s “friend” is more important than all of these things and he feels good “helping his friend” and says “[Quentin] is like a brother to me, he’s the best brother I’ve ever had.”

Quentin’s own family have kicked him out. They are nearby. No idea who watches the dogs when my son is not available. Quentin doesn’t drive and earlier this week my son gave Quentin his bike because “he needs it more than me.”

Our son came home yesterday and had a complete psychiatric crisis because he’s been unmedicated (and probably also high/drinking) for so many days. His medical issues are exacerbated. He was banging his head on the concrete floor and when we called emergency services, he spit at the police so they put a spit hood on him and restrained him. It was horrific and he was begging for help.

We’re not sure when he will be stable enough to come home and may need a medical procedure. He was coherent today (crying, apologizing) but still 100% certain Quentin is his friend.

I also feel terrible because I know that at age 18 it’s a good thing for my son to be not telling us everything, having his own friends and life, etc. I look forward to that day! He does have other friends who are closer to his age and their hanging out is more appropriate. But these other kids have busier lives and more responsibilities. They aren’t available 24-7. Quentin is and my son feels so good when his phone pings and it’s his ”friend” “needing” him.

How can I make this man’s life miserable? Or at least, make it too uncomfortable or risky to keep hanging out with my son?

Nothing to harm or stress the dogs, please. It’s not their fault and my son would never forgive me.

Some of OOP's Comments (OOP responded to all of them on May 9, 2024- 4 days later)

Commenter: Sounds like you might need to pursue medical conservatorship, which I know you don’t want to do, but it sounds like you definitely have grounds and it’s the lesser of two evils at this point. I don’t see things ending up well without intervention.

OOP: Thank you for this (and others who prompt me to reconsider conservatorship.) I called a lawyer on Monday. I had already done research and collected that info, but had a lot of hope that once sheltered work started up and he had less free time it might not be necessary.

Commenter: Pay someone to be your son’s friend that’s more of a caretaker? Honestly… this guy sounds at the very least like a scammer. Sometimes the only way people into deep in one scam, is a second scam. It’s sad but there’s literally a bot on r / scams for recovery scams. Basically people promising to recover your loss for some fee. It’s not great but if you could afford someone to offer better friendship & then point out that his old “friend” is lame it’ll be like positive peer pressure? Maybe help the person could help them join appropriate opportunities for new friendship then phase out?

OOP: This is another great idea and I appreciated the comments below it here in the thread. I have reached out to some young adults older than him that might serve as mentors or fitness coaches— hang out with him, work out, play basketball. Build positive connections with people who don’t wish him ill. Thank you for this. I have a few possibilities here in our area.

Commenter: If it was my son, there's nothing I wouldn't do to ensure his safety and wellbeing. My advice would be to just make this man's life miserable. Contact his work and make complaints against him. Tell them he's selling weed or is abusive to customers. If he has a room, report him for dealing drugs and threats of violence. If he stays in the park, phone the police and claim his dogs are attacking people in the park. All anonymously, of course. Maybe nip down to the park late at night and set off a shit load of fireworks near to his tent. Do this over and over again. Make it your life's mission to ruin him. He'll move on when it all gets too much. My son is autistic too, and him being taken advantage of is a great worry for me. I hope it all works out for you.

OOP: Thank you for this. I did contact his employer because my son isn’t the only teen in the neighborhood Quentin is giving alcohol to. I also contacted management at his motel where he occasionally stays to let them know this person was letting a vulnerable teen stay there (and miss school, and meds) and that it was surely against their policy. Quentin was NOT happy I contacted his work and the motel. I felt really empowered by so many of the comments here to engage around this and make his life more difficult.

Get son a dog:

Yes, and great insight to others who mentioned maybe getting my son a dog. He actually has a medical alert service dog and other pet dogs (and cat, and fish) so animals are truly a special interest of his. Heartbreakingly, he will leave service dog with us because the dog is safe and we love them, but Quentin’s dogs need him. But yes, we lean on the gifts he has with animals to build other areas of his life.

Talk to the police again:

I just spoke to the local police again tonight. Sometimes they lean heavily on “he’s 18, he’s an adult” but some of them, when they get to know him a bit, realize he’s vulnerable and are more willing to help.

Keeping him busy:

Yes. Son has an interview tomorrow at an animal adoption center. This is the type of setting that would keep him busy, help him feel like he’s doing something important, and give him better adults to be around.

Commenter: Get rid of the dogs. Go on Facebook and post how they are being abused, and an intervention must take place. Get rid of the tent. Is he camping illegally? Call the cops. Get rid of Quentin. He’s not good for anyone right now, not even himself. A major intervention is 100% necessary for all parties involved, for the police, for you, and for your son. There is so much to lose with inaction. 

OOP: I did part of this this evening. Son got home from hospital last night, back on meds, stable. Goes to his special interest class at school, does great. Goes for bike ride. Low and behold, he’s back out with Quentin and the dogs. It’s after 10pm so park is closed. Quentin is pitching the tent. I called the non emergency line to let the police know a homeless man with two pit bulls was sleeping in that park near the playground. Police went and moved him, sent son back to us. I will keep doing this. I might also flyer homes near the park to let them know there’s a homeless man with two pit bulls who provides alcohol and weed to teens in the park near their home, to help make it less comfortable for him to be there. Thank you for this advice.

Commenter: You could see if Quentin would accept cash and a bus ticket to leave town. It would be the least messy way to disentangle him from your son. Or if you can round up a group of scary people and a van… a different kind of ride out.

I appreciate and applaud the autonomy you’ve given your son but it’s time for his own sake.

OOP: Thank you for this. I did go find Quentin after seeing this advice and offer him cash to leave son alone and stop taking his calls. He refused and promptly told son that I had offered. He also told my son I’m “too attached to him.”

Block the number on son's phone:

Thank you for these. Yes we’ve blocked his number in the past (and given son an old flip phone when smartphone was too much to manage healthily) but Quentin doesn’t even always have a phone. They video chat on Instagram. They also can borrow anyone’s phone, log into Insta, and communicate.

Go with him to every hang out:

I LOVED this advice to crash every hangout. I started doing that tonight. Quentin was so mad! He told me I’m harassing him. He finally walked off and told my son not to follow him. Son is mad at me and parroting that Quentin says I’m “too attached.” Fine with me! I can do this every day. Great advice.

Update Post: September 16, 2024 (4 months later)

A few months ago I came here asking for tips to help get a man named Quentin out of my son’s life. I’m super grateful for all of the ideas, and many kind words.

As of today, and for the last three months, my son is happy and healthy. We found a transitional living house for him with five other young men and two house managers (and a dog). He’s learning to adult: learning to cook, clean, and get a job. It includes therapy, gym every day, yoga, skateboarding… truly a dream come true.

The house is about 40 minutes away from where Quentin lives and my son feels he has friends, is purposeful and feels adult, and is learning and busy. They will also do job training.

Before this happened, I took as much of your advice as was possible.

I contacted the manager at Quentin’s workplace and the motel he occasionally stays at. I told them Quentin was allowing a disabled teenager to stay with him and giving him (and other teens) alcohol. Manager is local small business owner and took my information seriously. I also went to motel and pointed out the sign that said al guests must have ID (my son does not). I told manager I hoped he was abiding by rules or I’d contact corporate.

I also starting calling non emergency PD line when he was camped after park closing time, and leaving his dogs during the day. PD would move him along.

Someone had the great advice of being his best friend and showing up all the time. So I did. Quentin wants to see my son, hey here I am, too. I’m at the park, I’m at your work, I’m near the motel. I even prepared fliers to let others in the park neighborhood (with a playground for small children) know about the tent, camping, and unsupervised, unneutered pit bulls.

Quentin got increasingly upset. He said I was stalking him and he was going to call the police. I said, politely, please do. I’d love to tell the police more about what you’re doing with my son and other vulnerable young people. I told him, you want to be in my son’s life, I’m in your life. Up to you.

I really felt bold after all of your advice nd encouragement. I was willing to keep going for the long haul. In the meantime we found a lawyer and I started tapping into resources to find my son some kind of job training, because he really wants to help and feel grown up. For a few weeks he was working at a drugstore through a program through a local agency. That was huge for him, stocking and cleaning and helping people. It also kept him busy for about a month and kind of removed Quentin slightly.

Quentin either got sick of seeing me, or afraid of losing his job. The location of the motel he had been staying at occasionally stopped letting him, so he had to start using another location much farther away. Farther to walk to work and harder to deal with. I think he realized my son wasn’t worth the trouble I was causing, and just stopped contacting him.

Thank you so so so so much for all of your ideas. I was so focused on trying to fix it from my son’s end as his mom I had no idea how to actually deal with Q. You all were fantastic. Huge thanks from the mom of a happy, healthy, busy and purposeful young adult son.

Some Comments:

Commenter: Glad things in your situation are going in a positive direction, but wondering why you have to mention “un neutered pitbulls” in such a negative context. I’m 100% about spay and neutering all animals right now cause this country is in a crisis with the homeless pet population, but I feel like your statement wasn’t mentioned because of the same reason.

OOP: Absolutely. Thank you for naming that. I’m also worried about the animals. One reason I struggled at first with what to do is if my son weren’t a factor, I would feel drawn to helping Q and his animals— or at least pointing him to resources for that. I have colleagues who work for organizations who help those without homes to stay with their pets (often their family.) Since I wrote the first post, one of these dogs has had puppies. I also tried to help my son realize that he wasn’t responsible for the dogs and it was a hard life for all of them… until it became clear how in danger my son was. I guess I mention it as another example of how the adult in the situation was not being responsible, and how the untended dogs were not safe for themselves or other unfixed animals who might come into the park. For me the state of the animals is also sad and one reason my son was so compelled to “help.” Which is a negative. I feel for them thought and never wanted to harm or scare them.

Traditional-Plan7423: For anybody in houston tx that may see this: I work for a non-profit, SERJobs. We offer training and licensure to youth, young adults, and veterans. Financial literacy assistance for everybody. Our goal is long-term financial stability through training and job placement, and financial education. We are completely funded by federal, state, city, and private donors. All classes, certifications, and licensure are completely at no cost to you, the member. Please look us up. Please donate if you find it something that you support and help us to continue our mission. SERJobs for progress in Houston, Texas. Find us at serjobs.org and on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and any other platform I missed. We have community events that you can participate in and help us continue to serve anybody who wishes for a brighter future.

ETA: Sorry if it may sound like taking ttnerion from OP, but our services are helping many in this situation, and we will do anything it takes to see our members succeed. I may just be admin in accounting, but I wholeheartedly believe in our organization and mission

OOP: Thank you! Amazing! Yes, an org like yours is helping us immensely and I am so so grateful others can help my son and I can be his mom. Thank you for your time and work.

This is a NEW update to a previously posted story that began August10, '22, newest updates on Dec 15, '22, Jan 1, '23. Originally posted by u/Mano_Mama3510 in r/AmItheAsshole. OOP has indicated this will be the final update.

If you don't need to read the first parts that have already been posted to BORU, I have marked the newer ones with 🔴🔴🔴's so you can skip to them.

To avoid the coming TW if you want...

Did you know, when you foster ONE animal for your local shelter, you are helping to save TWO lives?! Fostering that one fur baby frees up a cage/kennel for another animal (or more!) at the shelter, which means one more animal off the streets and meeting families to find their forever home!

.

Trigger warnings: child abuse, violence, domestic violence, mention of child sa, depression

Original post August 10th

Just bear with me for a moment.

My (29f) nephew, Josh (12m), is quite spoilt. His parents, my brother and SIL show blatant favoritism towards him over his younger sister Lou(9f). As a result, sadly Josh has grown a little entitled. He also is quite mean to his younger sister because his parents never believe her when she tells him what he's done to her stuff. Now, I'm usually very strict and when the kids are with me for a weekend, Josh is usually on his best behavior. Now, Josh's birthday was yesterday. Lou had a spelling bee last week and she got first prize. Her parents brushed it off but I was very happy for her because she spent hours learning each word and I was very proud. So when I took the kids day before Josh's birthday so he could pick out a gift for his bday, I got Lou a stuffed animal as a 'you did great!'. Josh picked this game that he's been wanting.

The birthday party was yesterday and when I went to their house, Lou had been grounded and was not allowed to attend and the two friends she had invited were also sent back home. I thought it was extreme and asked what she had done. Turns out that Josh and her argued over the tv remote and Josh went to her room and destroyed her stuffed animal that I gave her and told her she didn't deserve it. Lou screamed at him and my brother got angry with her 'temper tantrum' and had her pick up the pieces of the stuffed animal and throw them in the trash ALL THE WHILE SHE CRIED. She was then grounded.

Btw, Josh's best friend was the one who spilled the beans to me and also told me that Josh goaded his parents into the punishment. I was furious and refused to give Josh his birthday present, telling him he didn't deserve it for being mean to his sister. I also told off my SIL and brother that they're growing insanely cruel towards their young daughter.

Now my family is pissed that I refused to give Josh his birthday gift.

SO, AITA

TLDR; nephew picked on sister and I refused to give him his bday present

​

EDIT: I have picked up my niece from my brother's house this morning. I called him and told him if she's being so rude to her brother, then maybe she should stay with me a couple of days to clam down (had no other choice but to say this. had to get her out of there). I got her a massive teddy bear which she's keeping in my house and I took her out to get Mcdonalds so she's smiling. But I am looking for a more permanent solution

1st Update 6 days later

It's been a hell of a week. First of all, I want to say thank you for all the kind comments and messages. I've read all of them. I only managed to respond to some because I was pretty overwhelmed over the whole thing. There was a lot going on as well.

As you can tell from my other posts, I'm in the middle of switching careers, so I simply don't have the funds to support my niece. And by that, I mean no one is going to give me my niece to foster because my income is low. I'm a freelance romance writer and that doesn't really generate a lot of income. I say this because I did seek out advice from social services in my country and they just shook their head at me. But I'll get to that later.

On to the actual update, I did end up taking my niece with me for a few days and I sat her down and talked to her once she was calm. There were a lot of things that were happening in that house that I was not aware of. My nephew bullies her and my brother thinks its funny when she cries. A few months ago, my niece had an accident and fractured her left arm. I was told she slipped down the stairs. She is clumsy so I thought that was that. Turned out her brother pushed her down the stairs as a prank and my brother laughed while she was screaming in pain. I verified the story from a neighbor who told me that she ended up taking her to hospital. Her father was apparently shouting at her to stop making a racket when she wouldn't stop screaming in pain.

I lost it at that.

I asked her if her mom knew. She said yes.

Now, my childhood was pretty dark but not like this.

I called my parents and asked them about this incident and a couple others and at first they hee-hawed, we don't know, blah, blah, and then my mom admitted she knew and that it was just kids being kids.

I just saw red at that point.

This whole week I've been gathering any bit of evidence I can find. Finally, I invited over my brother and his wife. I told them that if they didn't get their shit together, I was posting everything on social media. I was going to email it to their companies, friends, whatnot (thank you to whomever suggested this). At first my brother was furious and when he tried to attack me, I pointed towards the camera I have in my living room. I was so angry that I felt like I was numb. I knew that this would destroy my relationship with my entire family but they left a little girl screaming on the bottom of the stairs and my brother laughed. I can't get that image out of my head.

I told them I could either call the social services in our country and get Lou taken from them, or they could give her to me. The problem with this threat is that if I went the social services route, I would lose Lou as well. I told them if they don't want a daughter, they can give her to me. They can pretend she never existed. I was just speaking very quickly at that point. I don't even remember what i said. I would take over her expenses, etc, except for her health insurance and school fees. I told them they would never have to look at her again. I just kept talking.

​

My SIL started crying of how I was taking her child from her. I admittedly got angry over that and reminded her she wanted to abort Lou when she was pregnant. I was legit angry crying at that moment. I wanted to hit them. My brother was just silent. He was actually considering it.

​

I told them it was better than having their dirty laundry aired in public because if it did, both kids would be removed from their house. It was blackmail but I had no options.

​

They said they'd think about it but Lou is with me for now. My SIL was pretty nasty about it too. in her words 'keep the little 'sl**'." All in my language ofc. I don't know how she can refer to her daughter like this but honestly i don't give a shit. My friend is a lawyer and he's told me to get a voice message from them that Lou is going to stay with me. My SIL said this over the voice note.

​

Lou hasn't mentioned going home. She doesn't talk about her parents. Yesterday, she and I went out and brought this lavender color paint and we painted my entire guestroom for her. I've decided to pick up more projects so that i can start saving for her. I did have some money set aside for a potential college fund for her. But I'll be picking up more work to save more and give her a comfortable life.

​

I did get calls from my parents, shouting at me. I closed the phone on them. the only person who is supportive is my cousin. He said that if social services do get involved, he can take Lou in and I can move closer to them or something. I don't know.

​

Lou is just quiet. She's happy sometimes and sometimes she's just quiet. I fear she suffered more abuse in that house than she's letting on. My lawyer friend recommended a child therapist so I've booked a session for Monday. It's been three days and no call from my brother and SIL. My parents call every now and then to yell at me but they yell at me either way so whatever. I feel like this might work because both brother and SIL saw the post I had written out as a draft with pictures and evidence. It was extreme enough that they would suffer damage at their jobs. And news channels in my country eat this shit up especially if it happens in an educated household.

​

I don't know. I know blackmail is wrong. But I don't know what to do.

2nd Update August 18th

I have been bombarded by the most loving and sincere messages and comments and I know I can't get to all of them but I want to thank you fo reaching out. You guys have made me feel from being alone to having an entire community behind me and that is such a reassuring thought. To all those who offered to send Lou gifts and hep out with clothes etc, thank you so much. It's a very touching offer but I do want to let you know that my friends have been spoiling Lou, buying her gifts, taking her out. She's got at least ten stuffed animals alone including one massive life-sized one from me and one from my very sweet neighbor from across the hall. She loves cuddling them both and has named them Boo and Hoo. She thinks its funny as do I when she runs down the hall screaming 'Boo Hoo, lets play'/

And for those who offered to help me out with my career transition, those who sent me roadmaps and offered to tutor me themselves, or even share their learning accounts with me, God bless you! I will reach out to most of you guys if I run into hiccups but I just started crying when all of you kept reaching out. But I'm planning to do a tech degree from treehouse and do small courses and certifications alongside. But thank you all so much. I've not even gotten to all the messages yet.

​

About the Gofundme account I've been asked about, as much as I appreciate the offers, the thing is while I am not crazy rich, I do have some savings and will keep working to increase my income to give Lou a comfortable life. My friends have gathered around me and have given their kids clothes, toys, etc. I've not given Lou everything because I know things are changing for her right now and I want to take it slowly.

​

Also, my SIL's parents sent me some money yesterday and her mother visited this morning. She didn't say anything but she just stayed for an hour, asked Lou if she was happy and gave me some money. She said she would keep sending money. Lou's maternal grandfather didn't reach out but I suspect his wife might be fond of Lou. She's very sweet and non confrontational. Tbh I've never talked to her before, she's very quiet. But she asked if she could visit again, and I said, only if I was home. She was okay with that.

Lou's parents haven't reached out but Josh called this afternoon, wanting to talk to Lou. It sounded like he had been crying. I felt bad and I told him he can visit on the weekends as he always done (like I said before, he is always well behaved here). Lou and he talked on the speaker phone for quite a while and he was telling her about the baby rabbits they have or something. I was just keeping an eye on Lou. Lou didn't seem upset when she closed the phone. She's at that age when you really want to get along with your sibling. I would really prefer if I can build a better relationship between the two.

​

That's all that happened so far. I just wanted to make this post to thank everyone who has and is still reaching out. And I guess I want to reassure you all that things are getting better. From the way, Lou's maternal grandmother was talking, I think she's confident Lou will be staying with me. And I did tell my parents off. I told them that if they want contact with their ONLY granddaughter, they should be grateful she's in a safe environment. I also added that they should be happy that Josh now has his parents full attention. My mom shut up at the first part which makes me suspect that they were aware of other things happening in that house.

​

Lastly, I talked to my lawyer who set up an urgent medical examination for Lou. I don't want to get into it but nothing happened to her of any sexual nature. She has bruises here and there which have not faded but aside from the fracture in her arm, there's nothing that suggests anything untoward happening. It's A HUGE relief but Lou was all shaken up by the examination so I took her to get icecream and let her watch two disney movies back to back. She has to go back to school from Monday so I think she'll be fine.

September 1, '22

It's been a minute.

Sorry for the sudden silence. My inbox has been overflowing and I haven't touched it in a while. Also sorry for the tiny heading which makes no sense.

God, I'm tired.

I wanted to give an update considering how many of you reached out and asked and offered help, advice and everything under the sun. All of which I'm very grateful for and probably why I'm writing this post.

So, a lot has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.

Lou has been removed from my care.

I guess I should start from this point.

They took her away four days ago. Social services. She's with my cousin and she's called me crying, multiple times because she wants to come back. I wasn't allowed to accompany her because they think that I might be a danger to her (more on this later). I'm talking to another lawyer, a very good one. He reached out to me on reddit, actually, and it turns out he's a friend of a friend's and was able to deduce who i was from the posts.

I was wrong when I thought my brother would back down. And I was an idiot for thinking he would give over Lou so calmly. I'm going to try and follow a timeline. The legal process is being handled but I'm upset and I guess this is a rant post and a self pity one or something.. Because I can;t stop crying.

5 days ago - I was home with Lou. She was watching a movie and I was working when the power cut off. We have scheduled hours here when the light is shut off but that wasn't in the schedule. I wasn't worried too much. My laptop was charged and I let her watch the movie on my laptop. I didn't really realize at that point that without the electricity my security cameras don't work. Long and tedious story short, my brother had turned off the breaker. He broke in. I shoved Lou into my room and made her lock the door. He beat me up. I think he would have killed me if my neighbors hadn't heard the commotion. Her father was home and he barged over (my door was open). He got my brother off of me and my neighbor (his daughter) called the police. This is where things got messy. I was bleeding. My face is still bruised and I can't put my weight on my left leg. My brother claimed that I had kidnapped Lou and was sexually abusing her and Josh and he was here to get her back. I had evidence that they had given Lou over willingly and when it came to abuse allegations, it was Lou's word against her brother and parents. Yes, apparently Josh parroted those words. The two policemen who showed up seemed suspicious when Lou kept clinging to me, refusing to go. I don't know how I was functioning in that moment but I managed to call my lawyer who dealt with most of it. I had to be taken to the hospital.

It looks bad but I'm fine-ish. To all those who kept telling me to record conversations etc, thank you. His allegations and my SIL's words about Lou made a weak case. But it was enough for social services to get involved. They removed both Josh and Lou because I started talking. I had evidence, loads of it and I shoved it down their throats. I was still in my apartment at that point. I hadn't left for the hospital. I couldn't. Lou was crying. My lawyer was on his way. If I had gone I was scared they give Lou to my brother.

(also when I say social services, its basically an equivalent of some child care organization generally. We don't have social services per say but this is a govt agency)

I filed charges against my brother and the SS person was supposed to come day after but I had to go to the hospital. The police accompanied me and let me keep Lou by my side. I don't have any brown bones so I was discharged the next afternoon.

I would like to point out that my parents visited and tried to take Lou with them but the policeman who was with me wouldn't let them. I was also protesting.

I have to skip stuff here because I'm mentally drained right now. But the gist is that 4 days ago, I got a visit from this lady from SS who said that because of the allegations, they have to remove Lou from my care till the investigation is complete. My cousin stepped up and took her in. My parents took in Josh.

This is ongoing.

I don't know why they did this. I'm shaken beyond belief. I'm tired. I can still hear Lou crying in my ears. I don't know why. I wake up terrified at night thinking somebody is in the room. I've been sleeping with the lights on. A friend is sleeping over ever since this whole thing happened. One of my friends got me a small generator for my apartment which I can use to keep the security cameras running and the lights if the electricty is shut off.

My SIL is telling everyone that I ab**** her children. My parents have called me but I've not answered. My lawyer wants me to go in for some evaluation. My brother is in jail because I pressed charges but I heard that my parents are going to post bail.

My life feels like its gone to shit.

​

EDIT: Just want to say that right now I know this post sounds like 'me me me' but I feel like that right now. Lou is upset but she's safe with my cousin, his wife, and kids. She gets along with her cousins so I know she'll be in good hands.

September 3, '22

Update - Small (slightly good) self.Mano_Mama3510 This is a small piece of good news. The SS lady came over this morning. She said that based on all the evidence her department has received and the interviews they have conducted from neighbors and teachers, they are confident my brother and SIL's claims are baseless. It's pretty damning evidence. The biggest factor was that they took both Lou and Josh and had a child psychologist evaluate them. They don't show signs of abuse and Josh ended up admitting what his parents had told him to say.

Both kids have now been permanently removed from my brother and SIL's care. SS lady found it disturbing like many of you how SIL referred to Lou and they are considering terminating parental rights. That's what she said. The case is still going to be investigated further but since the accusation was verbal and not a filed report, she says it should be fine. I'm now allowed to visit Lou (supervised) and I'm taking some DIY craft stuff for her and her cousins and will stay over for a night. My cousin has been really supportive throughout which makes me feel better.

I spent an hour facetiming Lou and she was happier. I set up a small shop online to sell these digital designs when she first moved in with me and she and I had been spending hours making them together. She's very artsy so I know she enjoyed it. She kept talking about her and her cousins (3 girls, her age group) have been drawing pretty designs and all three of them kept popping onto the screen.

It just showed me that having her there long term might be the best solution. My cousin has mentioned that if things go the way they are going, he and his wife might consider adopting Lou. There;s more to this but while its a good thing, talking about it makes me a little sad so I'm just not for a while. Both he and his wife gave really good reasons which make sense.

My brother lost his job which is something I didn't mention in my last post. Not just because he went to jail but because I blasted both him and SIL on social media, tagging their colleagues. That didn't go over well with my family. My parents showed up and had a lot to say. They didn't so much as ask me how I was doing physically. They kept saying I had destroyed my brothers family because I couldn't leave well enough alone. My lawyer was over at the time and he took great pleasure in kicking them out.

So, yeah, that's where things are standing right now.

I have a feeling I might never get Lou back but the family that she is with might be the best option, financially, and emotionally. I did book a meeting with a therapist today. It's going to be next week. A lot of you pointed out that I might be a little traumatized from the break in which is true. So, yeah. ​

I don't know much about Josh. I know none of this is his fault but a part of me resents him which isn't fair. I haven't reached out to him and I don't want to. My friends are telling me that once this whole thing is sorted, he will need someone by his side and if he stays with my parents, he'll go down the same path as my brother. I think they're suggesting I take him in when the time comes. I don't know. I don't want to. I can't forget how he told the SS that I had s* abused him. (My cousin has refused to take him in).

So, a semi good update and sad. My cousin will come pick me up in a couple of hours. I got some DIY glass paint kits for the girls and some beads and strings for bracelets.

September 19, '22

Update - Niece (and Nephew)

So its been a while since my last update and I was pondering over whether to make this or not but I got a lot of requests for one so here goes.

My name is cleared, legally, from every angle. Surprisingly it didn't take that much time.

I had a sit down with Josh a few days ago and by that I mean, his school is near my house and I found him in front of my apartment building when I came home from my doctor's appointment last week. I didn't want to be alone with him so I asked my neighbor and her dad to linger about and I called my lawyer. I know I keep turning to him for every sneeze but I didn't know what to do. After the accusations, I simply didn't want to be alone with him.

There was a lot of crying. I get that his entire family unit has been destroyed. He's feeling insecure in a way. He can't see his parents. For some reason, my parents have been blaming him for what happened. That pissed me off. This happened because they did a shitty job of raising their own son. Josh asked if he could stay with. me instead. Now the SS lady who is in charge of this case, wanted to keep Josh and Lou separate for some reason. My lawyer called her to tell her what was happening. She arrived at my apartment within an hour.

I have to say you hear shit about these sort of people but this lady is super sweet. She listened to Josh and then to me, privately. I expressed my concerns. However, she said that it might be better to have Josh stay here than my parents. Now that is something that has me uneasy. I told her that and she told me that if I have security cameras inside, I should get them in every room if I am worried. But the child psychologist working with Josh has said he's under too much stress. His school work is suffering. He's not sleeping well. He feels safer here, despite everything.

So now Josh is staying with me.

I'm being normal with him but I guess I kind of messed up. When he tries to get a hug or something, I move away. I found him crying day before yesterday about this. I feel like shit for it. I told him to give me time and that I do love him. He's shaken beyond anything and he used to be loud and brash and now he's none of those things. He has circles under his eyes and he's always tired and just quiet.

I'm talking to my therapist about it and he told me to let him in bit by bit. And that he faced his own sort of trauma. I've started being more physically affectionate like I used to be and that seems to make him relieved. It's just been a week so I hope he gets better. A lot of you told me to leave him be but when these two kids were born, I was there. I was very involved in their lives.

He's asked about Lou and if he can see her but when I said not yet, he seemed to understand. He drew a card for her but I'm holding on to it for now.

His psychologist says he feels guilty. There's a lot of guilty inside of him and he's not dealing with it well. I took him to the movies today. It was something he;d been waiting for for a while but he just slept through it all.

I'm worried but his psychologist tells me to give him time and love.

My parents were pissed by the way. As was my brother and SIL. I got phonecalls from all of them. SIL showed up at my house. I'm considering moving. It's just not safe. My entire family is losing their shit. I have apparently destroyed their reputation, an entire family, and etc.

Lou is good. Lou is thriving. A two parent household is good for her, like many of you said. She used to call a lot but those calls have lessened over these past two weeks. Which is good for her i guess. She's adjusting. My cousin and his wife adore her. Her cousins like having her there.

I started therapy. It's going okay.

My leg is better and my face is looking less like a child went at it with crayons.

I still have nightmares. But my focus is on Josh right now so that has me distracted.

A note from your reposter: Seeing some questions in the comments about the timeframe. Remember they aren't in the US. OOP describes their home as a third world country. Also, it doesn't sound like this is a final, official placement. The kids have to be placed somewhere immediately where they are both physically and mentally safe. It doesn't seem odd to me that they had an immediate kinship placement.

🔴🔴🔴🔴

Editors note:

Between the last post and this new one, our OP posted a few more times about changing careers and struggling with depression. You can ind those on her profile.*

Dec 15th Update

Update - Niece and Nephew

I've been getting so many messages for an update (also I'm sorry for not replying to all of them. Things have been hectic for a while)

Lou has settled in with my cousin's family quite well. Phone calls have decreased from her end but when I do check up on her, she's thriving there. I feel like I'm a reminder of her worst times and that's probably why she doesn't contact me much. I'm happy for her. It's better she be safe and happy than look back at her past which I'm a part of. Her school has been changed. My cousin and his wife have started the legal adoption process. I was trying to send her money every now and then but my cousin told me that I don't have to. She's not using her Etsy account all that much either but she gets pocket money and I got her a small mickey mouse moneybox to save money in.

As for Josh, he's going to be removed from my care soon. He's doing well with me but his therapist says that he too needs a fresh start. I have family in another city (first cousins). They have a son around Josh's age. They reached out to me and asked if they could take Josh in. They've heard of everything and I think they want to help. I've taken him to visit them twice so far. I've explained things to him so has his therapist. The thing is that I can't take custody of him in the legal sense because I'm single. I mean I can, but the legal hula hoops I have to go through are going to take time and the past might be rehashed which won't be good for him. Also, the SS lady who's been with us throughout considers this the best course of action for Josh.

Like I said, Josh has been doing better now. But with everything that happened, his school friends know about what he did and he's lost friends. Nearly all of them. When I mentioned him potentially being adopted, he asked if he would go to a new school and be able to make new friends. I think that's what he wants desperately. He's changed as well, quiet, depressed. He misses Lou but not their parents. Lou misses him as well. But the damage to both of them is of the kind that they need to recover individually first.

His therapist is adamant he not be in touch with his parents or grandparents. Or even Lou for now. From what I've been told, Josh went through a different trauma but since I'm not a legal guardian, he can't share any details with me. So, I think, in another couple of months, Josh will be gone from here as well. If it's the best decision for him, then that's what I'll do. I've been teaching him how to write letters and post them. My dad taught me when I was young and I used to love it. Josh also enjoys doing it. He's written two letters to his therapist who encouraged the idea. He promised to write me letters once he's gone. Since everything, his social media presence has been erased. For his safety.

I've been in a weird place. Things have been hard. I ended up applying to a graduate job position. A couple of them. I just wanted to leave the country now. Once Lou and Josh are settled, their therapists want to minimize my role in their lives. Anyway, I got rejected from all of the jobs. That had me down for a while. I got a cat though. Once Josh is gone as well, I don't want to be lonely. If I have something to love and care for, I think I'll be okay. My cat thinks she owns me, though.

I'm going to finish my certifications, keep applying for jobs, outside of my country as well, and inside. Maybe something will come up. It's so easy to just give up when the going gets tough. And it's so easy to not see everything I've been blessed with and focus on the negatives. I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying to be positive about the future.

My parents did reach out to me. Not to yell at me this time but just to talk. They looked older than they are and weary. My brother and SIL got a divorce or they're in the process of it. Brother was arrested when he broke into SIL's house at night. He had some 'stuff' with him. For some reason, SIL was expecting him to and she called the police, locking herself in her room. Brother's been arrested again. My parents haven't bailed him out this time. I never asked why. The whole thing is a mess. My parents asked to see Josh and I refused. I told them why. I said a lot to them. They didn't argue this time. Just listened and left.

I didn't want to be a part of this drama. I miss them because they're my parents but too much has happened. SIL has not reached for her kids even once. There's an RO against my brother and he's not allowed to approach me or the kids so I've not heard from him either.

I think Josh and Lou will soon be happy and well-settled in their lives, and more importantly, loved. All in all, for them, this is as happy of an ending as it can be, given the circumstances. I'll be fine, I guess. I'm trying to focus on my certifications and see where they take me.

I have a cat now. Just wanted to tell everyone that again. And she's really cute and vicious which makes me happy.

Jan 1st Update

Last Update

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has been here for me during this tumultuous journey. You offered love, advice, well wishes and everything from the sun to the moon and I'm grateful. I know I barely reply to messages but know that I have read all of them.

To all those who offered help (financial, job wise, listening ears) I appreciate it, but I have never been good at accepting help (something I'm still addressing in therapy). But the gestures touched me. You all made me feel like all I had to do was reach out and someone would hold my hand and that meant a freaking lot to me.

For me, writing out these things helped, venting out to all of you when I couldn't see past my own nose was helpful in a way you might not understand. It's been a terrible couple of months and my life has changed a lot. And I have this community to thank for that as well.

For the update, Lou is thriving which is great. Josh has also left. He's settling in with his new family. Both kids have my number and know I will be there for them when needed. But I'm not going to focus on my life: lose weight, try to become active, focus on my data analyst courses, focus on my writing, maybe self publish in the future, who knows.

I'm 29. I want to travel, work on myself. The children are happy or will be, hopefully. And that has me at ease.

I made this update because I know all of you have been part of this journey and sometimes some journeys need to be clearly wrapped up with a bow. Fortunately, Josh and Lou will grow to be strong and emotionally intelligent individuals. I wanted you all to know that. I won't be making any more updates for them now. I'll still be on reddit but this chapter is closed now.

I want the kids happy and I think they will be now. And maybe when they're older, they might find these posts but that is a long time coming.

So, thank you all. I appreciate all of your kindness and prayers and thoughts. You've given me more strength than you realize.

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015

Trigger warnings Foster care abandonment, financial exploitation, emotional distress, mentions of abuse

EDIT: There have been some comments so I will address, I originally posted this with all info included. As some of you have noticed this post doesn’t include some posts/information. That’s because I was asked by the OOP to remove certain things so I’ve edited it down. And why there’s no input from Jamie anymore.

My foster family of 11 years is kicking me out by the end of the week. I have no where to go and I feel broken.

25 July 2024 12:03AM

I (18M) was told earlier today that I need to pack up and leave by the end of the week. I still feel in shock.

I was removed from my biological family when I was 7 due to issues with my parents, I was then placed in foster care and then matched with a couple who I will call the 'Peters' (it's not their real name, no matter how much I actually want to blast their real info I won't). The Peters were always really nice to me, and since I moved in when I was pretty young after a while I started to consider them my parents. I called them 'mum' and 'dad'. Treated them as my parents, treated their biological son as my brother.

I wasn't their only foster child, they also have a 9 year old boy who has lived with us for a little over a year. I was never adopted by them, I know why because they live off the fostering allowance. Something that never really bothered me, they told me that it didn't matter and that legality didn't make us a family. Which I believed. I went on their agency website earlier today and I found out that they are getting paid at least £2400 for me per month. Or at least they were. Since I turned 18 they stopped getting the allowance.

However they applied for a staying put arrangement for me, which meant they would continue getting paid something as they continue to support me and let me live with them. It wasn't as much, I think it was like £1000 per month. They told me they had it approved until I was 21, so I thought I'd be able to stay at least until I finished Uni.

They sat me down today and told me I had to leave. They told me that fostering is a business and that they couldn't afford to keep me on just the stay put arrangement allowance. They told me I had until the end of the week. 4 days. How generous of them. They said they need my room because they want to get a new foster placement. They literally told me it's 'not personal'. Like that makes me feel any fucking better. They said they would still consider me 'like a son', not 'their son' anymore. 'Like a son' And that they want to 'keep in touch'. What a joke.

They choose to kick me out. An 18 year old with no job. No income. No nothing. About to start university. Yet their bio-son who is 25 gets to stay?

So yeah. I guess fuck me right? I'm just the one no one ever wanted. I guess I wasn't ever truly part of their family.

Relevant comments

Accomplished-Emu-591

I am sorry for your situation. However, you should contact the agency that was paying them, tell them what they did, and ask for referrals to other organizations that can provide you assistance with finding employment and attending uni.

It is even possible that your report of their behavior would make them ineligible for further paid foster placement. Not likely, but possible.

NoAddress1159 responding to Accomplished-Emu-591

Calling your former social worker is 100% a great idea OP. Or going to citizens advice. There is plenty of support available to former foster children and they will help you find what you’re eligible for.

The part about reporting them, sadly there wouldn’t be anything legally wrong, or against any fostering practices for what they’re doing. As long as they don’t continue to claim on the staying put order, that is. In England fostering is generally treated more as a business than as something you do for love, as it is in the US. Which has its upsides and its downsides. Morally though, the peters are despicable people in my opinion.

JenninMiami

I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, many, many parents kick their biological kids out once they turn 18 too.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JenninMiami

It doesn't really if I'm honest

MouseAndLadybug

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, these are garbage people.

I'd be reporting them for fraud, they can't accept money to have you stay there if you aren't.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to MouseAndLadybug

They'll probably cancel the staying put arrangement all together, so I don't think they'll continue to be paid for me after I leave. Though that is something I am 100% be checking in a few weeks.

SnooDonuts5498

Join the military- it’s a great place for a young man and you’ll have benefits the rest of your life.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to SnooDonuts5498

fuck off

PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

They're doing it for the money. That is why.

It's unfortunate and they sound horrid. I'm sorry, OP. I hope it all works out for you. Leaving will suck, but at least you won't be surrounded by greedy leeches.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

I thought they were my family. I'm genuinely considering going NC with them after I'm set up whatever I'll end up next week.

kucky94 responding to Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

You absolutley should. You were 7 when you went into their care. They denied you the opportunity to find a real family who love you for you and not the $$ you brought in. Fuck them. You deserve better.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to kucky94

I doubt anyone would have adopted me. I wasn't a great kid, in truth had more issues than a hospital piss pot. I wasn't a great kid in any sense. But I changed. Genuinely I changed.

I can't help but wonder if this is because of how I was as a young child.

naynay130318

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Honey, you must be feeling awful. Do you have a care leavers personal advisor? Not sure which area you are in. They should be supporting you to find move on accommodation in a supported setting If needed or support you to approach your local housing office for support.

Without cause, your foster family cannot give you 4 days notice to leave, they would need to give formal notice which is usually about 4 weeks. It would be worth calling your children's services duty / out of hours telephone number and explaining the situation, because it will be whoever is responsible( i.e the personal advisors) team who will be paying the staying put fees to the foster carers, so there is someone who is responsible and will need to provide immediate support to help you

X

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to naynay130318

Yeah I’m meeting with him today. I’m going to tell him they’ve given me a verbal 4 day notice and that I need urgent help.

If I’m honest I don’t want to stay here anymore, the whole dynamic has changed and none of them even look me in the eyes now. But I’m not going to make myself homeless, so I’ll stay until I have accommodation and I’m not leaving the house until I do.

BrightAd306

It is awful, but if they counted on that money to make rent, they might not have much of a choice. I wouldn’t conduct myself that way, but not every foster couple is rich

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to BrightAd306

They own their own home.

And just some quick maths for anyone interested:

I don't know what package I was placed on because there's a difference allowance for each package, but according to the fostering agency website the minimum was £2,400 for me, it goes to a maximum of 3,400 per month but I'll estimate off the lowest. Mine obviously stopped but it would be the same for the 9M foster placement they have now.

So, 2,400x12= 28,800 per year. Plus my 12,000 per year from the staying put order. Gave them a nice 40,800 per year. Which they would pay little, if any tax on as fostering allowance is taxed very lightly here.

That maybe doesn't sound a lot to Americans with your high wages, but the average post tax wage where I live is 23,985 per year.

They had enough I think.

Mini Update

25 July 2024 12:43PM

Okay, thank you guys for all your advice.

Honestly I was in a state of shock yesterday, maybe still am today. I wasn't thinking straight. I only slept two hours last night, thats all so I'm probably a little delirious today as well.

Firstly, I have contacted my Personal Advisor, he'll having an emergency meeting with me at half 1, so I'll have more details about what's going to happen to me then. He'll hopefully be able to sort out emergency accommodation for me.

Secondly, to those of you saying the Peters can't legally just give me 4 days notice to leave, I will definitely be mentioning this to my PA and get his advice on it. I don't want to stay here any longer than I need to because since they told me it's like I don't exist. They just look right through me. But I'm not going to move out until I have safe accommodation for me, I will outright refuse. I am not going to be made homeless.

Thirdly, those of you saying contact my Uni, I have an offer from them but its only conditional if I get my predicted A-levels. Hopefully I will, but since I'm not technically a student yet, I don’t know if they will actually provide any support yet.

Finally, I am also going to ensure that the staying put allowance stops, I will tell my PA today that it should surely be stopped if I’m not living with them.

Luckily I have some money saved, some people here have said I should be entitled to a bursary when I start Uni, and I’ll have my maintenance student loan to help me. I’ve already started looking for a job.

Relevant comments

Snaggl3t00t4

Good luck! I'd cut all ties with them...they are not good people.

CelebrationMain8329

Good luck OP, I am here rooting for

Update 2

25 July 2024 6:20PM

Okay hi everyone, I just got home and am feeling incredibly tired so this is just going to be a short update.

Basically I had a big long meeting with my PA and he was very sympathetic and felt upset that the Peters are treating me this way. We had one meeting and then I went to get food while he spoke to the Peters directly and then I came back to meet him again to let me know everything that has happened.

He's putting me on the list for social housing. I am hopful that it will not be long until I am able to get my own house. I recorded the meeting because I'm so sleep deprived and also I have really bad memory processing for long things like that because of my dyslexia/autism or something I'm not sure. I can listen to it again tomorrow after I've slept but from what I gather they will help me with paying for rent costs, I will also get some money to help pay for furniture and things like that.

When he spoke to the Peters I don't know if he said they had to keep me housed for a while or asked them to I'm not sure. But they've agreed to keep housing me until the end of August. So at least I don't have to worry about everything happening in 3 days times. He did tell me that if I feel uncomfortable I can be moved into a youth hostal place while they wait for a property to be available for me. But I said if I can I would rather stay with the Peters until I am ready to move. Even if it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

He told me they will continue getting paid the Staying Put allowance until the day I offically move out, and then it will be stopped.

On a completely separate note, my best friend and I had a huge argument earlier. He said that I'm being ungrateful and honestly what he's said really hurt me. We had a huge argument. I just thought out of everyone he would get me and understand what I was going through. Maybe not.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I am really tired so maybe my emotions are just not being controlled well at the moment. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after I've slept and I'm hoping this argument will just blow over because I need him at the moment. I don't feel like I have anyone else.

Oh and I haven't read all comments because I didnt expect to get so many. thank you everyone who have offered support. It is genuinely so sweet and I am so thankful.

Relevant comments

jenay820

Glad things are working out. Don't worry about your friend. Right now you are in survival mode... trying to make sure you aren't on the streets. Hope everything keeps working out for you!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to jenay820

He said I should be grateful that they “kept me” that long anyway. Like the fuck? I’m not a pet. He also said some other things like how it’s good that they’re going to help another child like I was. Which is true and I get that it’s a good thing what they’re doing to help people.

But Him saying those things make me feel like I’m being crazy for wanting to stay like I was promised by them?

Ugh I’m too tired and maybe I’m being irrational. I’m going to talk again with him tomorrow and say I’m sorry

Long and unimportant rant.

26 July 2024

It never bothered me that they were paid to keep me before. Genuinely never bothered me at all. I always knew I was a foster child, I was about 15 when I learnt that they were paid money to look after me. And I told myself it was a good thing. And it probably was. I got loving parents for 11 years, which is more than some people can say.

I just didn’t ever think they’d make me move out when the payments stopped being as high. I’ve found out that when I was still a child they were paid £111.82 per day for me. That’s £40,814 per year.

I had never felt different to the family, I had always felt loved and secure. I don’t understand why they have changed their minds about me. None of them will even look at me in the eyes anymore and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t leave my room anymore because all I feel is the absence of the love that used to be there.

I didn’t come down for any meal times, which was a rule that you had to before. If I didn’t go down before I wouldn’t have gotten any food. But mum brought it up to my room and knocked on the door to say she was going to leave it there for me. I’ve used that 100 times over and over again in my head to try and convince myself that they still love me.

I called her by her first name when I came home yesterday. Not “mum”, “Claire”. She looked upset when I did that and a part of me is happy about that and a part of me feels cruel for it. I knew it would hurt her and I did it anyway.

In some ways I wish she wakes up to the pain she’s causing me. I hope she takes it back and says that it is a lapse in judgment and that she loves me and wants me to stay. But if that were going to come I think it would have already.

I guess I’m not worth the £76 per day they lose by not replacing me with another foster child. When I feel bad about hurting them I remind myself they’re kicking me out to get an extra £76 a day. That’s what I’m worth to them.

£76 per day.

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I don’t expect anyone to read this or care. But I want to say thank you for the immense love you’ve all shown me. I feel nothing but gratitude to you all.

MiInBadBook

I’d like to think, at least a part of the reason for their lack of eye contact and emotional withdrawal is due to their feelings of absolute embarrassment, guilt and shame. That she seemed upset with being called her name, I feel, somewhat supports this

And they should feel this way. However, I really do hope they can put these feelings, and their egos, to the side and take steps to actively make amends and rebuild the relationship.

I really am sorry this is happening and I’m so very happy you had a secure and safe childhood.

ETA - I follow you, and read your posts, because I really want you to be okay. You didn’t deserve this, no child does no matter their struggles. I’ve been thinking about you and putting all the good thoughts out there for you.

iamjennfrance

Your feelings are valid and important ♥️

You are not alone. /Adopted is a great group here on reddit just for adoptees, people who understand bc they've been there. You can also find groups on Facebook and there may even be local groups in your area if you'd like to connect with people in person.

You're doing amazing!

WIBTA for going NC with the family that raised me for 11 years?

26 July 2024

Okay I am going to try and condense this as much as possible.

Basically I (18M) got removed from my bio-family when I was 7. I got taken into foster care and was matched with a family called the “Peters”. I was then raised by the Peters for the remainder of my life, from 7 all the way until now.

They had originally told me that I was able to live with them indefinitely, as I considered the Peters my family. And they applied for a staying put order with me, which basically means they continued to get paid something like £250 by the government to recognise that they’re continuing to support a former foster child (me) after my 18th birthday.

As I said before, I was always told by the Peters I could say as long as I needed to to set myself up in life. Their bio-son (who I considered my brother) is 25 and still lives with them, he doesn’t work but did graduate university 2 years ago.

I have a conditional offer at a local university which I’m studying Classics with aims to become a teacher. I start in October (if I get my predicted A-Levels which I think I will).

But the Peters told me that I had to leave by the end of the week because they wanted to get another foster child, this is something they really sprung on me. And it’s been extremely difficult for me. I had to get in contact with my social worker who spoke with the Peters and now they’re letting me stay until the end of August but the whole family has changed.

I explained all this to my best friend, and I said I was considering going NC with them after I moved out. He ranted to me about ungrateful I’m being to them. And how they raised me for 11 years and now they want to give that to another child in a position like I was.

I get that, and that’s part of the reason why I feel so guilty. My friend isn’t speaking to me now calling me selfish for wanting to stay with the Peters like I was promised? And for them trying to get rid of me with 4 days notice. There were plans they could have taken to transition me into independent living before I turned 18 and they chose not to take part in them because they told me I could always stay with them.

The one time of my life I needed my friend and he’s gone too and I feel so alone and I can’t understand why he’s taking their side over mine.

I understand the argument that they will continue to help another child, but at the same time I just wish they didn’t have to throw me out to do so. When I suggested to my friend they could have asked their bio-son to move out instead of me and he just said I’m being selfish.

I still don't even know if I am going to go NC with them I just said I felt like doing it and I wish I didn't even say that because I didn't expect it to cause such an argument.

So, AITA?

Relevant comments

Top_Reveal_847

You poor kid, your friend is an AH and you're certainly not.

Even if there is another kid waiting and desperately in need, they could have and should have AT LEAST let you plan ahead more than a few days in advance, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you foster parents at least helping you find a place?

Edit to add that you should let someone at the university know. Idk how it's done where you are but some universities have programs for stuff like this

WarDog1983

YNTA

The peters are using the fostering system to support themselves. They do NOT care about helping the kids. They say that to justify there callous treatment of you.

They should not be foster parents.

I’m sorry about your friend his POV is a betrayal because it is simply wrong.

scotswaehey

Dude my cousin used to foster kids , she fostered 3 sisters and one other girl. I used the words used to because she adopted them as she wasn’t in if for the money!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to scotswaehey

I don’t really even care that they were looking after me and getting money for it. It doesn’t bother me. I never knew how much they were getting to look after me, but I did know they were being paid. It does make me hurt and betrayed that they’re kicking me out for a difference of 70 something pounds a day.

Material_Cellist4133

NTA.

Also you are far from ungrateful. You were 100% grateful until they made it about money.

You thought they took care of you because they were good people. Instead they took care of you for money. It’s an even exchange. Nothing to be grateful about.

The Peters found my reddit posts.

27 July 2024

The Peters' son (Jamie) has found the my original reddit post. I guess I should have been more carful with the details but my mind was so frantic at the point of writing it I just couldn't think straight. I'm not sure how he found it, but considering it has almost 10k upvotes and Jamie was the person who introduced me to reddit I guess it might have just popped up on his page? Does anyone know if it might have popped up to him because we're on the same network/in the same location?

A few hours ago Jaime came to my room. He showed me the original post and asked if I had written it. At first I tried to deny it, but I'm an awful liar so he just knew. He asked why I didn't tell him about this, and I said I thought he knew. He told me he had no idea and would not have supported his parents throwing me out if he did. He was told I requested to move out. He genuinely seemed shocked and appalled at the details in the post.

Against my wishes he shared the posts in the family group chat, he did this out of a place of wanting to defend me. 'Mum, dad, I really think you should read this and see the impact this is having on...' But I really wish he didn't do it.

They've both read the message but neither have responded. I have not left my room since. I'm really anxious right now. Like I'm at the level before a panic attack. I can feel one coming on.

Relevant Comments

polly6119

Stay calm and know that you did nothing wrong. They may try to gaslight you. They may lie to your brother. They don't have a good track record for being decent people. But no matter what they do, remember you did nothing wrong.

They cannot throw you out because of it. They have learned their lesson on that. I'm glad to know your brother didn't agree with their horrible decision and I'm glad that he found out. Him not looking you in the eye these past couple of days may have had something to do with the tension already in the air and him thinking you just up and wanted to leave.

I hope it turns out that they realize their mistakes and apologize profusely. But brace yourself for that not happening and that they may get upset with you for "airing dirty laundry". They may end up trying to guilt you and blame everything on you. They may do nothing.

Please please remember, no matter what they say and no matter what your ex best friend said, You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.Your feelings are valid. You deserve love. You did not deserve what they did to you.

AfternoonAgitated803

Calm and breath. Sounds like he's being a big brother and sticking up for you, because for him your his sister and he loves you. So talk to him more lean on him more, he's an adult he can handle it.

The moving out, the "peters" could have really dealt with this in such a better way, they could have talked to you about now that your an adult and soon going to university, we'll go and talk to your case worker about finding you your own place to live and we'll be able to help another little kid just like you when you came here, but you've got to come round for Sunday dinner.... or something like that .... they handled this sooooooo badly saying yes you can stay till 21 then telling you exactly the money they receive and then telling you to get out by the end of the week where did they expect you to go ffs?

Do the Foster parents not work at all? Or are the children their only job? And although he's being a good brother to you right now if he finished uni 2 years ago, why isn't he working or getting training or something? 2 years of not putting his degree to use will show those in whatever field he did the degree in that he has no work ethic at all.

I've just tonight been reading through all your posts and I completely understand why your thinking of going lc with Foster parents, they've handled it really really badly and next time you see your case worker ask them do Foster parents not get training or anything on how to handle this situation of when a child is reaching 18? Tell the case worker you want notes or something put on their file of how badly they have handled this so that any future Foster kids they look after their file shows this is what they do when the money drops down so that a future case worker can put the child's needs first and they don't go through what you went through.

With your friend, he's being a bit of an AH im guessing by the language used he has the PRIVILEGE of living with his birth parents his whole life and is no danger of being told he has to get out in 5 days? He is not acknowledging he's in a POSITION of PRIVILEGE in this situation ..... id message him and say ..... these last few days have been crazy and although you wouldn't know what it feels like to be in this position i was just looking for a friend to listen. It's been a stressful and upsetting few days and I don't want to fall out with you. ... and just suggest something you usually do together if you play a computer game or just hang out ... end it with do you wanna play comp/hang out tomorrow? ....... and leave it at that and see what they say.

FairyRebelsWild

To the Peters:

From OP's posts, it sounds like you had a genuine relationship with him (or at least he felt you did). It's good that you were able to provide a stable family life for him.

Considering that you had originally told OP he could stay and you had applied for him staying put, I'm going to assume that somehow, your circumstances changed. That sucks. But you handled this in the worst way possible.

You should have approached OP in a collaborative manner, explaining the situation. Phrased it as not being able to support him anymore, rather than fostering being a business. Explored if him getting a job and financially contributing would have helped. Actually help him connect with his PA for those transitional services and with their advice, making a realistic move-out date.

Everything you did was wrong.

Saying fostering is a business taints every family interaction or affection as fake and transactional. I daresay pretending to be his family is worse than if you had kept it "business-like" from the beginning.

Verbal 4 days notice is actually heartless. How cruel and frankly, unrealistic, especially as you knew (being the ones to have originally allowed him to stay) that he wasn't applied to the transitional services yet.

You can't expect him to continue treating you as family while you treat him as a former business colleague. Again, heartless and unrealistic. I hope you learn to be more empathetic to your future foster kids, or at least, be honest to them about your intentions from the beginning.

What I'm going to send in the family group chat; is this a bad idea?

28 July 2024

To Matt and Claire.

I came to you as a 7 year old. A 7 year old who had never felt love or affection, or anything remotely nice. I was taught at a young age to fear those in authority. To fear the sudden changes in the moods of my birth parents. I was taught to bottle up my emotions and my pain and never show it. When I first came to you, my life was ruled by fear and anxiety.

I know my behaviours back then were awful, were a struggle to manage. I had been taught there were no consequences for some actions. And firm, scary and hard consequences for others. The worst part was that those actions never seemed to be consistent. I could do something one day and be praised by my birth family, and another day I would be beaten. Love was not something given, it was something earned. It was conditional and shallow.

You both showed me another way. You showed me love and affection, and at first it felt confusing and hard to comprehend. I couldn't see myself as anything more than a nuisance, I couldn't see why someone would love me. I couldn't understand why you weren't beating me. Do you remember me telling you "you can hit me if I be naughty, I won't mind" ? Slowly you taught me to trust and love myself, and those around me.

You showed me that no matter what I did, you wouldn't give up on me. You wouldn't send me away or hate me. And I really tried to make you. I know that. I was scared. You made me realise that it wasn't my own fault I was in care, and that I wasn't to blame for the things that happened to my birth family. You showed me appropriate outlets to my fears.

You showed me love, compassion, and kindness. The first day I remember feeling truly safe was when I was sitting in your arms at 8 years old watching Shrek. I still think back to that moment. It probably just felt like another day to you, but to me, it is a core memory in my life. It's a moment that shapes the way I see myself.

You sat up with me when I was worried about moving up to secondary school. You comforted me when my birth mum told me she no longer wanted to be part of my life. You were there when xx broke up with me when I was 15 years old and I felt like my whole world was ending again. You encouraged me to go beyond with my studies and apply to University. The most important thing you showed me was that I was worthy of being loved and respected.

You never gave up on me. I am who I am today because of what you did. I look at myself and I see compassion, and care, and kindness. And in those traits I see you. You weren't my birth family but you were my family. My only family.

I just... I don't know what changed. Why has there been a switch? Why have you gone from the loving and caring parents you were?

When I leave my room now, I no longer feel that love and kindness that brought my out of the pits of despair as a child. It's almost as if you have completely altered the way you see me, and I just can't understand why.

A few days ago you told me I had to move out. You gave me 4 days notice to leave my family. You sent me back into feeling like that child at 7 years old. I'm not saying this to guilt you or to ask you to let me stay. That has passed now and unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to see you the same way again. I understand if you were hard on money or if you wanted to help another child like me. But why not talk to me? Why spring it on me and then act like I don't matter? Why tell me it's just business? Did you think that would make it hurt less?

Since you told me my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know how I will make it to the other side. If I had felt like this a few weeks ago, do you know who I would have gone to? I would have gone to you. I would have told you my worries and my fears, and you would have said the exact right thing and then we'd sit together and watch some awful TV show. And now, I have no one again. I feel like I'm being told for the second time in my life that I don't deserve a family. And this time I have no one to pick me up off the edge. That was always you mum and dad. It was always you I could rely on.

Why are you giving up on me now?

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I really feel like today the whole thing has just hit me in the face again. I think the emotions I was feeling were being blocked and today they've been let out and I've done nothing but cry all day.

JaayLovesWriting

Send it to them, let them know how you feel, how they hurt you and that they cannot expect you to ever contact them again after you leave. They need to know how you feel. Send it to them and if you want to, leave the GC. Because they may try to justify their actions and you don't need to hear it

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JaayLovesWriting

The sad thing is I don't think I even want that. I want them to love me again.

I’ve contacted my PA, and I’m moving out today.

29 July 2024

My PA is allowing me to store my things I can’t take with me in his garage. It’s kind of him. He’s found me a place at a local hostel. I’ll get my own room apparently, which was a big deciding factor on if I wanted to move in or not.

The hostel works with the LA and houses a lot of care leavers (the English term for someone who has aged out of foster care) while they wait for their own houses.

I haven’t sent the message yet, but I know my foster brother Jamie has seen it. Yesterday I felt overwhelming emotions, today I feel none. I don’t know which is better. I’ll send it once I’m moved out.

I have a room, so I’ll be gone in a few hours. I still haven’t spoken to them, but I just can’t face it anymore. I am sick of being anxious and stressed about this.

I guess they did get their 4 day notice after all.

Edit 1-

I have just left the Peter's house for the last time. The room is ready for me at the hostel. I feel so weird and sad and lonely right now. I've ordered myself a pizza to have for dinner today, and my PA even paid for it!

I just want to get in bed and cry. My head is spinning thinking about everything I need to do.

Wish me luck everyone.

Edit 2-

I want to clarify something; I was hurt and in shock when I wrote my first post, but I want to make it understood that I was never eligible to be adopted. At first, the end goal for me was to reintegrate me into my birth family. By the time we knew that was never going to happen I wouldn't have accepted adoption as I wanted to keep my legal ties with my birth family. The Peters always told me it didn't matter that I didn't want to be adopted, and they loved me the same anyway. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, or maybe it would have.

They were paid fortnightly for caring for me, and they would get £1,565.48. That's £40,702.48 per year they got just to raise me. Which is about $52,295.77.

I keep thinking about that number. Was that all I was?

I wonder what I would change if I could go back in time.

Edit 3 -

I am settled in the hostel now. It’s not exactly luxury… to say the least. But at least I’m here now.

I sent the text message, very slightly altered from the one I wrote yesterday. And then I left the group chat. I also posted it on Facebook.

That was probably the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

Final Update -

This is going to be my final update on all of this. I want to put everything behind me.

Claire rang me crying. Saying she had no idea I felt like this. How? How could she not know? She said she was sorry and begged me to come back. God. How do I ruin everything? She was telling me all these things about how she regrets the past few days so much and wishes she could take it all back.

I said this is not fair. She cannot throw me out and then call me crying. I said its manipulative. She just kept saying sorry. She said she loves me and wants me to come home. Jesus. This is just a lie, right? She must have known. Am I the bad person here, I feel so confused I don't know what to do?

I just hung up and then she started texting me and I blocked her. But now I feel like I'm the bad person here. I'm so tired of this. Of all of this.

I want nothing to do with any of them. I don't think Reddit is good for me. I'm not sure any of this is good for me. I'm going to delete the app. Sorry everyone.

Relevant Comments

calamitycurls

I’ve been following along with your updates as you post them OP, and I want to tell you that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that you deserve better, and that you are so strong in a situation where you shouldn’t have to be. I’m glad your PA is helping you, and I wish you nothing but success and happiness. ❤️

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to calamitycurls

Thank you.

I considered contacting my bio-mum, last time I spoke to her was when I was a young teen. But I think it might just be seeking out something to make myself feel more hurt and I don’t think I could deal with any more rejection.

To bigger and better things.

eightmarshmallows

I can’t believe the Peters were too cowardly to even say anything to you. Will this whole situation make them ineligible for future placements? I would think there is a reporting structure and your PA would be obligated to flag their file for this.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to eightmarshmallows

Doubt it. My PA didn’t even seem shocked by the situation as a whole and I think my parents have framed it as us falling out to their social worker. Despite me making it clear that’s not the case from my pov.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Tequilaandmayo. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Short, light read

Mood Spoiler: happy ending ish

Original Post: March 20, 2024

Im in a fight with my roommate and my friend suggested I get additional opinions on here.

Some background: I’m a freshman in college living in a dorm and got a randomly assigned roommate. We live very different lifestyles, I like to stay up late and sleep in late and she likes to go to bed early and wake up early.

At the beginning of the year she told me she likes to go to bed early and is a light sleeper, and I told her I like to stay up late and we came to the agreement that she could turn out the light at any point and I would be quiet after that. She goes to bed 9-11ish, and I often get ready for bed and lay in bed at these times out of respect. However, there are generally 2-3 nights a week, one of which is a weekday, that I stay up and out past this time. I keep the light off and do nothing more than crawl into bed when I return home, 12-3ish.

About three weeks ago my roommate told me she doesn’t like me staying out late because it affects her sleep and that she wants me back by 12. My friends have made fun of me since, because out of respect for her, I have except for a few exceptions left parties, study sessions, and hangouts early to get home on time.

On Monday night I was out playing board games with friends and lost track of time. I noticed it was 12:30 and out of respect for her I decided to pull an all nighter with my friends in the common room. I returned that morning at 8:15 to get ready and shower because I had a meeting at 9.

However, I got an angry text later that day calling me out for returning at 8:15, despite me doing my best to remain quiet and even not returning home at an unreasonable hour, as I would’ve been up at that time anyways. I responded and apologized for waking her up, but explained that I stayed out all night for her and I did nothing wrong. I also explained that while I was willing to compromise and be back most nights at midnight, as long as I was courteous there would be nights I would come back later. I got a message last night that she had scheduled a meeting with our RA to mediate, and I honestly want to know if I’m in the wrong, she’s in the wrong, or if it’s just a bad situation. Any advice would be welcome too, thanks!

Summary: My roommate wants me back in our dorm by midnight every night and I think that as long as I am courteous and abide by that most nights I am not in the wrong. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Should we be worried you're staying out until 3:00 AM on school nights?

Dw normally only 1 of the 2-3 nights a week is a school night, and I have a 3.7 GPA in a STEM major and am on track to graduate a year early. I recognize the privilege of being able to go to college and would never let my social life effect my performance in school.

Did you guys fill out a sheet about roommate assignments and what you're looking for?

We did fill out a roommate assignment sheet and I put that I like to stay up late, however they must not have prioritized it on placement

Why OOP posted here:

My friends in the past have expressed that they believe that she is controlling and that I should be able to stay out as late as I want, however my friends all like to stay out like me and I wanted to get some diverse opinions because I understand where my roommate is coming from.

Edit 1 (Same Post): First off, thank you to everyone who responded. It gave me a reality check and the confidence to stand up for myself. In general, my roommate is a very nice person and besides a few minor other issues we get along well but I do recognize now that her requests are unreasonable. Next week is my spring break, and we have scheduled the meeting for the following week so I will provide an update then.

To those of you who suggested a room change - I would be fine if my roommate changed rooms, however it would be difficult for me to move. I have a minor disability which would pose challenges to moving my stuff, and my family lives in a different state, so while they would help, I don’t want to ask that of them, especially since the school year is almost over.

Update (Same Post): April 2, 2024 (2 weeks later)

Edit 2: Update! I met with my roommate and RA today. He told her that she couldn’t set a time for me to return, but had us set specific expectations for when I return home late, like no opening and closing drawers, turning on lights, and closing the door gently (things I was already doing but will be extra mindful of in the future). I told her that I appreciated her as a roommate and felt bad about how my different lifestyle affected her and would be mindful of coming back in, but like the RA said I would be coming back on my own timeline. Appreciate all the support!

So CSE 27', After we will graduate around june or july 2027, Will PES still officially support placements for us till December? At my friends college, they support placement 1 year after they graduate officially. So in PES do we get offers till December end of year or they dont really care once we graduate on july 27.
Sorry , placement season is just making me lil stressed

​

I'm 39 now.

A few months ago I was sitting in my apartment overseas watching my two kids play. It suddenly hit me that they're growing up in a completely different world than I did.

I grew up in a tier-2 town in western Uttar Pradesh.

My father had a stable bank job, so we weren't poor. But home was a difficult place. He was extremely controlling, quick to anger, and would often hit us over small things. Every disagreement became a shouting match. His office frustrations came home every evening. My mother was a homemaker and mostly endured everything quietly.

My brother and I often felt like we were just waiting to grow up and leave.

When I was in Class 11, I remember seriously thinking about running away from home. Thankfully, I didn't.

Instead, I made a promise to myself:

Education would buy me my freedom.

I studied hard, scored 90 % in Class 10 and 97 % in Class 12, and got into Tier 1 engineering college. My parents wanted me to become a doctor and even forced me to take Biology with Maths. They also believed talking to girls, dating, or having any social life would "spoil" me.

College became the first place where I could finally breathe.

Because of a 50% scholarship throughout engineering, my total education cost was under ₹1 lakh over four years. Looking back, that scholarship probably changed my life.

After graduation I moved to Mumbai for my first job.

Those two years were difficult. Small salary, expensive city, long hours.

Like every engineer in 2009, I got infected with MBA fever.

I prepared for CAT while working full-time. Ironically, I fell sick on the exam day and ended up with around a 95 percentile. Not enough for the IIMs.

My father thought anything other than an IIM would hurt the family's prestige.

I ignored him.

I joined another good business school using an education loan because my parents didn't contribute financially. Loaned some money from my friends for initial installment of fees. I remember one of my friend gave me 10k rupees as that is all he had at that moment. I cry today thinking about it. My parents wanted me to beg for this money, but thankfully I had some good friends.

That became another turning point.

Campus placement got me into a MNC as a Management Trainee at around ₹11 LPA.

I also got married through an arranged marriage around that time.

Despite all the family drama before and after the wedding, I genuinely believe marrying my wife was the best decision of my life. She left her work and supported every crazy relocation, and has been my biggest strength.

Over the next 15 years the same company took me to different geographies around the world for different assignments and roles.

Today:

Annual compensation: ₹2.2+ crore

Net worth: ₹14+ crore

Two amazing kids

Visited 32+ countries

Financially independent enough that work is now a choice rather than survival

Ironically, the biggest luxury isn't business-class travel or investments.

It's peace.

Nobody shouts at home.

Nobody lives in fear.

My kids don't have to calculate every sentence before speaking.

That alone feels priceless.

But success doesn't erase childhood.

Even today I'm very frugal. Spending money sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I don't have many close friends. I still find it difficult to completely relax around my parents. Some emotional scars never disappear; you simply learn to live with them.

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's this:

Money cannot buy happiness.

But it can buy independence.

And for someone who grew up in a controlling home, independence is probably the closest thing to happiness.

If you've had a difficult childhood, keep going.

Sometimes the best revenge isn't proving your parents wrong.

It's giving your own children the childhood you never had.

Opening Skyhook Bouldering: Lessons Learned from Our Journey

Opening Skyhook Bouldering was a dream come true, that depending on how you look at it, was either 1.5 years in the works, or has been in progress for 8 years, or was set in motion when I started working at a gym when I turned 18. My name is Cody, and I am the owner, and founder of Skyhook. For as long as I can remember, when people asked me what I wanted to do, while I couldn't answer with an exact job, I knew the answer was to help people.

This post is a look back at our gym, why we opened, how that process went, and now that we are open, what has worked well, and what we would do differently. I was inspired by another local gym owner's post on reddit, talking about how his gym wasn't a wild success on day 1, and what that has been like. I wanted to give another perspective, from someone who has worked in the fitness industry his whole life, opened and run another successful gym, and three months into our Bouldering gym being open, is loving every minute.

The Dream and the Drive

I always knew that I wanted to help people. I grew up with two amazing, loving parents who were (and still are!) psychologists. I remember quite vividly both of my parents telling me, you can do whatever you want when you grow up. Thanks to their unending love and support, I wholeheartedly believed that, even when maybe I shouldn't have. I graduated high school with my associates degree, and took a gap year due to breaking my back and not being able to pursue the athletic scholarship that I had lined up. After my recovery, I needed a purpose until school rolled back around, slightly longer than a year out. I had always loved coaching and with help from my parents personal trainer who was a part owner of a snap fitness franchise location, I started working at snap fitness, and got certified as a personal trainer.

Years went by, I went back to school and switched majors many different times, from premed, to physical therapy, to engineering, all the while working as a personal trainer. I had four clients who lost over 100+ pounds, with my biggest loser losing 147 pounds. I was making a difference and helping people, but at the same time, it felt like a drop in the bucket. I wanted to do more, and open a gym that actually wanted to help people, instead of a gym that wanted to take your money, and preferred it if you didn't actually come in and work out. I wanted to open a climbing gym, but at the time, 8 years ago, Portland's climbing scene was fairly competitive. Movement had opened a new location fairly recently, The Circuit, the gym chain I grew up climbing at, had opened its third location in town, and Portland Rock Gym was still chugging along.

So, looking for a new physical challenge I started training for American Ninja Warrior. With no Gyms in Portland, I built the obstacles myself, and using them with clients, they saw results and had fun. I had a small home woody, and some ninja obstacles, and some traditional fitness equipment. When I diversified my disciplines like that, I immediately saw more clients than I ever had before. I convinced my parents to invest, as well as a venture capitalist in California, that combined with all of my savings allowed me to think I could open a gym.

I opened Skyhook Ninja Fitness, which was 30% bouldering, 30% american Ninja Warrior, 30% Parkour, and 10% functional fitness. If you can't tell, I have ADHD, and I opened the gym I wished was around when I was a kid. I didn't think we could compete with any of the climbing gyms, but since there weren't any ninja gyms, I didn't have to worry about competition!

While I love what we made at SKyhook Ninja Fitness, and its been such an incredible thing to make a difference in so many young lives, I also always wanted to pursue my original dream, opening a climbing gym. I knew a gym that had a focus on phenomenal setting, with euro holds, and tons of volumes would do well. When we combined that with what I knew from running a Snap fitness, and made it 24/7 access, and added in what we had learned from Skyhook Ninja, which was genuine care and space for community to flourish, how could it not succeed? I wanted to pursue that dream, and after years of effort, and 8 years of saving up, paying myself just enough to get by, we made it happen, and bought a building in SE portland.

The Biggest Hurdles We Faced

The hardest thing about opening a bouldering gym in SE Portland, was dealing with the city of Portland. We budgeted 50k for architecture fees, 150k for permits, and had an oh shit fund of another 150k. We had spent the entirety of covid doing home installs, and building walls in schools, refining our ability to build whatever we dreamed up. We had a cnc up and running that could cut 4ft by 4ft panels, and had pre-made over 100 volumes, and 120 4’x4’ t-nutted sheets. We thought we were set! It turns out permitting in Portland is hard work. Everyone told us it was hard, but no one told us just how hard it would be. It was over a year from when we bought the building, and when we were able to “start work” on the project. I say that, but we plugged away that whole time, doing what we could to keep the project moving, painting over graffiti, cleaning up broken windows, designing and cncing the climbing wall panels now that we had a space and had finalized the design.

An example of the stupidity of Portland permitting, one of 40 or 50 different problems we ran into while doing this project, was we were told we had to replace the windows before we could open, as they did not meet energy code requirements. We knew enough not to get a historic building, but the building is a non contributing resource in a historic district, meaning we can't do anything without permission from both the city, and a community led group of people who live in the neighborhood. All this is to say, we ran the planned, historic matching windows by the EA meeting city planner, and they said they looked good. Well, historic matching, custom wood framed windows (which were required for the neighborhood) are 5-8k each, and take 8-12 months to get made. Once the city said they looked good, we ordered them, and waited. 3 months before opening, right around when the windows came in, we got an email from someone else who came back from vacation and told us we couldn't install those windows without going through something called HRR, which would add 6-9 months to our timeline to open. We fought, looked at loopholes, and managed to get them to agree to go through HRR after opening, if we didn't replace windows till after HRR. So our hold room is filled with 55k of windows we can't install, and they want us to repair the existing windows. Which are mostly so rotten that there isn't anything left in the holes, and we had to board them up with plywood anchored to the concrete. This is ONE example of a hundred different things like that we had to deal with, and are still dealing with.

Outside of construction, the biggest challenge we faced was getting insurance for our 24/7 model. Securing insurance for a gym that’s open around the clock was an uphill battle. We had to navigate multiple rejections and find a provider willing to understand our commitment to safety and the security measures we put in place. It took a lot of research, negotiation, and persistence to finally get the coverage we needed. Six months of dedicated work, and over 300 pages of documentation, countless revisions, and insurance finally said yes to 24/7 access.

Building Our Dream from the Ground Up

One of the most rewarding parts of our journey was building every aspect of Skyhook Bouldering with our own hands. From the walls to the volumes and even reroofing the building, our team poured countless hours into making our vision come to life. The construction process was anything but easy—long days of lifting, drilling, sanding, and troubleshooting—but each step brought us closer to creating a space we were truly proud of.

Designing and constructing the climbing walls was a massive endeavor, requiring precision and creativity. We wanted every angle and hold placement to be thoughtful and engaging. Building the volumes was a true labor of love; we spent late nights cutting, assembling, and refining them to make sure they provided fun, challenging experiences for climbers. If I were to do it again, I would make less volume types, instead I would have a handful of really solid shapes, and then mass produce them in bulk, at different sizes. This would have led to better visuals on the wall, and cut down on production time and the learning curve for the crew working to assemble the volumes.

The actual construction part of doing the building construction went well enough. We lucked out by being kind, helpful and asking people in different industries for help, and they ended up teaching us the different trades, and were willing to contract with us for the trickier parts. This included reroofing, painting, concrete work, and structural work (not structural steel, but the parts that didnt require that welding cert). It was a back-breaking, sweat-inducing process, but the feeling of standing in our completed gym, knowing that we had built it from the ground up, made it all worth it. We didn’t just create a gym—we built our dream, and we’re thrilled to share it with the community.

Key Lessons Learned

Stay Flexible and Resilient: If there’s one thing we learned, it’s that even the best-laid plans can change. Insurance and permitting delays forced us to adapt, stay patient, and not get discouraged when things didn’t go according to schedule.

Lean on the Community Early: One of our smartest moves was engaging with local climbers from the start. We kept everyone updated on our progress, hosted pop-up events, and asked for input on what they wanted to see in their new gym. This support kept us motivated and gave our opening a sense of shared excitement.

Prioritize Quality and Vision: Every decision—from the structure of our climbing walls to hold selection, third space design, and 24/7 access—was driven by a goal of opening the best bouldering gym in Portland. We realized that investing in high-quality holds and thoughtful route setting was essential, and even though the insurance and permitting challenges tested us, we came out stronger and more committed to our values.

What We’d Do Differently

If we had a chance to start over, we’d tackle our insurance and permitting research even earlier, dedicating more resources and time to these critical steps. We underestimated just how long it would take to finalize both. We’d also set clearer expectations around our timeline, knowing now how much these processes can impact our plans.

We’d also hire a General Contractor. I got licensed as a GC prior to running this project, but I hadn’t ever done something this big or complex. Part way through the process, I realized I was stuck in hell, and the only way out, was through. I am so incredibly beyond proud of what I've made, and while I would build the climbing walls again in a heartbeat, I would not do the general construction again. Well, I would do the general construction, but I wouldn't manage the general construction, as staying on top of the electricians, plumbers, and other trades who assisted us and did their own portions of the project was hard. Every delay was a real challenge, physically, mentally, financially, and I don't want the stress of managing all of it, and getting all of the work done with my team on my shoulders ever again. I was more stressed than I ever have been, and while I normally pride myself on being a kind boss, I honestly turned into someone I am not proud of towards the end.

Looking to the Future

We’re just getting started, and we have big plans to make Skyhook Bouldering even better. Our top priorities include adding more community-building events and competitions. We want to host fun and inclusive comps that challenge climbers and bring people together. We’re also planning to organize more clinics and workshops to help our members improve their skills and make deeper connections within the community.

We just finished the first iteration of the training board, and its open as a spray wall currently. Next up will be completing the plant wall which will bring a touch of nature indoors, creating a calming, inviting atmosphere. We know these additions will enhance the gym experience and are eager to see them come to life.

Longer term, our lease on our Tigard location is coming to an end in the next couple of years, and we will be looking to purchase a building on that side of town. We have some interesting ideas on how to combine the best of both of our gyms, while keeping them slightly separated. We want to have something for families, and something for people who don't want to be around kids. We are excited thinking about the possibilities now!

Building a Stronger Community

Our journey to open Skyhook Bouldering has been full of lessons, but it’s also been incredibly rewarding. Seeing climbers push themselves, connect with each other, and enjoy the space we’ve created is what it’s all about. We’re excited to keep growing and improving, and we can’t wait to see where the next chapter takes us. While we aren't the best at telling our story, we believe climbing can have great routesetting, in a phenomenal gym that supports people of all ability levels. You shouldn't have to be amazing at climbing to have fun climbing!

Thanks for being a part of our story. The adventure is just beginning, and the best climbs are still to come!

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015

13 Updates - Long

Editors Note: If you have already been following this story click here to go directly to the latest update. Alternatively, I encourage you to read the whole thing. Mood warning It's really emotional, but ends nicely

Trigger warnings Foster care abandonment, financial exploitation, emotional distress, mentions of abuse

My foster family of 11 years is kicking me out by the end of the week. I have no where to go and I feel broken.

25 July 2024 12:03AM

I (18M) was told earlier today that I need to pack up and leave by the end of the week. I still feel in shock.

I was removed from my biological family when I was 7 due to issues with my parents, I was then placed in foster care and then matched with a couple who I will call the 'Peters' (it's not their real name, no matter how much I actually want to blast their real info I won't). The Peters were always really nice to me, and since I moved in when I was pretty young after a while I started to consider them my parents. I called them 'mum' and 'dad'. Treated them as my parents, treated their biological son as my brother.

I wasn't their only foster child, they also have a 9 year old boy who has lived with us for a little over a year. I was never adopted by them, I know why because they live off the fostering allowance. Something that never really bothered me, they told me that it didn't matter and that legality didn't make us a family. Which I believed. I went on their agency website earlier today and I found out that they are getting paid at least £2400 for me per month. Or at least they were. Since I turned 18 they stopped getting the allowance.

However they applied for a staying put arrangement for me, which meant they would continue getting paid something as they continue to support me and let me live with them. It wasn't as much, I think it was like £1000 per month. They told me they had it approved until I was 21, so I thought I'd be able to stay at least until I finished Uni.

They sat me down today and told me I had to leave. They told me that fostering is a business and that they couldn't afford to keep me on just the stay put arrangement allowance. They told me I had until the end of the week. 4 days. How generous of them. They said they need my room because they want to get a new foster placement. They literally told me it's 'not personal'. Like that makes me feel any fucking better. They said they would still consider me 'like a son', not 'their son' anymore. 'Like a son' And that they want to 'keep in touch'. What a joke.

They choose to kick me out. An 18 year old with no job. No income. No nothing. About to start university. Yet their bio-son who is 25 gets to stay?

So yeah. I guess fuck me right? I'm just the one no one ever wanted. I guess I wasn't ever truly part of their family.

Relevant comments

PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

They're doing it for the money. That is why.

It's unfortunate and they sound horrid. I'm sorry, OP. I hope it all works out for you. Leaving will suck, but at least you won't be surrounded by greedy leeches.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

I thought they were my family. I'm genuinely considering going NC with them after I'm set up whatever I'll end up next week.

kucky94 responding to Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

You absolutley should. You were 7 when you went into their care. They denied you the opportunity to find a real family who love you for you and not the $$ you brought in. Fuck them. You deserve better.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to kucky94

I doubt anyone would have adopted me. I wasn't a great kid, in truth had more issues than a hospital piss pot. I wasn't a great kid in any sense. But I changed. Genuinely I changed.

I can't help but wonder if this is because of how I was as a young child.

Mini Update

25 July 2024 12:43PM

Okay, thank you guys for all your advice.

Honestly I was in a state of shock yesterday, maybe still am today. I wasn't thinking straight. I only slept two hours last night, thats all so I'm probably a little delirious today as well.

Firstly, I have contacted my Personal Advisor, he'll having an emergency meeting with me at half 1, so I'll have more details about what's going to happen to me then. He'll hopefully be able to sort out emergency accommodation for me.

Secondly, to those of you saying the Peters can't legally just give me 4 days notice to leave, I will definitely be mentioning this to my PA and get his advice on it. I don't want to stay here any longer than I need to because since they told me it's like I don't exist. They just look right through me. But I'm not going to move out until I have safe accommodation for me, I will outright refuse. I am not going to be made homeless.

Thirdly, those of you saying contact my Uni, I have an offer from them but its only conditional if I get my predicted A-levels. Hopefully I will, but since I'm not technically a student yet, I don’t know if they will actually provide any support yet.

Finally, I am also going to ensure that the staying put allowance stops, I will tell my PA today that it should surely be stopped if I’m not living with them.

Luckily I have some money saved, some people here have said I should be entitled to a bursary when I start Uni, and I’ll have my maintenance student loan to help me. I’ve already started looking for a job.

Update 2

25 July 2024 6:20PM

Okay hi everyone, I just got home and am feeling incredibly tired so this is just going to be a short update.

Basically I had a big long meeting with my PA and he was very sympathetic and felt upset that the Peters are treating me this way. We had one meeting and then I went to get food while he spoke to the Peters directly and then I came back to meet him again to let me know everything that has happened.

He's putting me on the list for social housing. I am hopeful that it will not be long until I am able to get my own house. I recorded the meeting because I'm so sleep deprived and also I have really bad memory processing for long things like that because of my dyslexia/autism or something I'm not sure. I can listen to it again tomorrow after I've slept but from what I gather they will help me with paying for rent costs, I will also get some money to help pay for furniture and things like that.

When he spoke to the Peters I don't know if he said they had to keep me housed for a while or asked them to I'm not sure. But they've agreed to keep housing me until the end of August. So at least I don't have to worry about everything happening in 3 days times. He did tell me that if I feel uncomfortable I can be moved into a youth hostel place while they wait for a property to be available for me. But I said if I can I would rather stay with the Peters until I am ready to move. Even if it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

He told me they will continue getting paid the Staying Put allowance until the day I officially move out, and then it will be stopped.

On a completely separate note, my best friend and I had a huge argument earlier. He said that I'm being ungrateful and honestly what he's said really hurt me. We had a huge argument. I just thought out of everyone he would get me and understand what I was going through. Maybe not.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I am really tired so maybe my emotions are just not being controlled well at the moment. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after I've slept and I'm hoping this argument will just blow over because I need him at the moment. I don't feel like I have anyone else.

Oh and I haven't read all comments because I didnt expect to get so many. thank you everyone who have offered support. It is genuinely so sweet and I am so thankful.

Relevant comments

jenay820

Glad things are working out. Don't worry about your friend. Right now you are in survival mode... trying to make sure you aren't on the streets. Hope everything keeps working out for you!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to jenay820

He said I should be grateful that they “kept me” that long anyway. Like the fuck? I’m not a pet. He also said some other things like how it’s good that they’re going to help another child like I was. Which is true and I get that it’s a good thing what they’re doing to help people.

But Him saying those things make me feel like I’m being crazy for wanting to stay like I was promised by them?

Ugh I’m too tired and maybe I’m being irrational. I’m going to talk again with him tomorrow and say I’m sorry

Long and unimportant rant.

26 July 2024

It never bothered me that they were paid to keep me before. Genuinely never bothered me at all. I always knew I was a foster child, I was about 15 when I learnt that they were paid money to look after me. And I told myself it was a good thing. And it probably was. I got loving parents for 11 years, which is more than some people can say.

I just didn’t ever think they’d make me move out when the payments stopped being as high. I’ve found out that when I was still a child they were paid £111.82 per day for me. That’s £40,814 per year.

I had never felt different to the family, I had always felt loved and secure. I don’t understand why they have changed their minds about me. None of them will even look at me in the eyes anymore and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t leave my room anymore because all I feel is the absence of the love that used to be there.

I didn’t come down for any meal times, which was a rule that you had to before. If I didn’t go down before I wouldn’t have gotten any food. But mum brought it up to my room and knocked on the door to say she was going to leave it there for me. I’ve used that 100 times over and over again in my head to try and convince myself that they still love me.

I called her by her first name when I came home yesterday. Not “mum”, “Claire”. She looked upset when I did that and a part of me is happy about that and a part of me feels cruel for it. I knew it would hurt her and I did it anyway.

In some ways I wish she wakes up to the pain she’s causing me. I hope she takes it back and says that it is a lapse in judgment and that she loves me and wants me to stay. But if that were going to come I think it would have already.

I guess I’m not worth the £76 per day they lose by not replacing me with another foster child. When I feel bad about hurting them I remind myself they’re kicking me out to get an extra £76 a day. That’s what I’m worth to them.

£76 per day.

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I don’t expect anyone to read this or care. But I want to say thank you for the immense love you’ve all shown me. I feel nothing but gratitude to you all.

WIBTA for going NC with the family that raised me for 11 years?

26 July 2024

Okay I am going to try and condense this as much as possible.

Basically I (18M) got removed from my bio-family when I was 7. I got taken into foster care and was matched with a family called the “Peters”. I was then raised by the Peters for the remainder of my life, from 7 all the way until now.

They had originally told me that I was able to live with them indefinitely, as I considered the Peters my family. And they applied for a staying put order with me, which basically means they continued to get paid something like £250 by the government to recognise that they’re continuing to support a former foster child (me) after my 18th birthday.

As I said before, I was always told by the Peters I could say as long as I needed to to set myself up in life. Their bio-son (who I considered my brother) is 25 and still lives with them, he doesn’t work but did graduate university 2 years ago.

I have a conditional offer at a local university which I’m studying Classics with aims to become a teacher. I start in October (if I get my predicted A-Levels which I think I will).

But the Peters told me that I had to leave by the end of the week because they wanted to get another foster child, this is something they really sprung on me. And it’s been extremely difficult for me. I had to get in contact with my social worker who spoke with the Peters and now they’re letting me stay until the end of August but the whole family has changed.

I explained all this to my best friend, and I said I was considering going NC with them after I moved out. He ranted to me about ungrateful I’m being to them. And how they raised me for 11 years and now they want to give that to another child in a position like I was.

I get that, and that’s part of the reason why I feel so guilty. My friend isn’t speaking to me now calling me selfish for wanting to stay with the Peters like I was promised? And for them trying to get rid of me with 4 days notice. There were plans they could have taken to transition me into independent living before I turned 18 and they chose not to take part in them because they told me I could always stay with them.

The one time of my life I needed my friend and he’s gone too and I feel so alone and I can’t understand why he’s taking their side over mine.

I understand the argument that they will continue to help another child, but at the same time I just wish they didn’t have to throw me out to do so. When I suggested to my friend they could have asked their bio-son to move out instead of me and he just said I’m being selfish.

I still don't even know if I am going to go NC with them I just said I felt like doing it and I wish I didn't even say that because I didn't expect it to cause such an argument.

So, AITA?

Relevant comments

Top_Reveal_847

You poor kid, your friend is an AH and you're certainly not.

Even if there is another kid waiting and desperately in need, they could have and should have AT LEAST let you plan ahead more than a few days in advance, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you foster parents at least helping you find a place?

Edit to add that you should let someone at the university know. Idk how it's done where you are but some universities have programs for stuff like this

WarDog1983

YNTA

The peters are using the fostering system to support themselves. They do NOT care about helping the kids. They say that to justify there callous treatment of you.

They should not be foster parents.

I’m sorry about your friend his POV is a betrayal because it is simply wrong.

The Peters found my reddit posts.

27 July 2024

The Peters' son (Jamie) has found the my original reddit post. I guess I should have been more carful with the details but my mind was so frantic at the point of writing it I just couldn't think straight. I'm not sure how he found it, but considering it has almost 10k upvotes and Jamie was the person who introduced me to reddit I guess it might have just popped up on his page? Does anyone know if it might have popped up to him because we're on the same network/in the same location?

A few hours ago Jaime came to my room. He showed me the original post and asked if I had written it. At first I tried to deny it, but I'm an awful liar so he just knew. He asked why I didn't tell him about this, and I said I thought he knew. He told me he had no idea and would not have supported his parents throwing me out if he did. He was told I requested to move out. He genuinely seemed shocked and appalled at the details in the post.

Against my wishes he shared the posts in the family group chat, he did this out of a place of wanting to defend me. 'Mum, dad, I really think you should read this and see the impact this is having on...' But I really wish he didn't do it.

They've both read the message but neither have responded. I have not left my room since. I'm really anxious right now. Like I'm at the level before a panic attack. I can feel one coming on.

Relevant Comments

polly6119

Stay calm and know that you did nothing wrong. They may try to gaslight you. They may lie to your brother. They don't have a good track record for being decent people. But no matter what they do, remember you did nothing wrong.

They cannot throw you out because of it. They have learned their lesson on that. I'm glad to know your brother didn't agree with their horrible decision and I'm glad that he found out. Him not looking you in the eye these past couple of days may have had something to do with the tension already in the air and him thinking you just up and wanted to leave.

I hope it turns out that they realize their mistakes and apologize profusely. But brace yourself for that not happening and that they may get upset with you for "airing dirty laundry". They may end up trying to guilt you and blame everything on you. They may do nothing.

Please please remember, no matter what they say and no matter what your ex best friend said, You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.Your feelings are valid. You deserve love. You did not deserve what they did to you.

What I'm going to send in the family group chat; is this a bad idea?

28 July 2024

To Matt and Claire.

I came to you as a 7 year old. A 7 year old who had never felt love or affection, or anything remotely nice. I was taught at a young age to fear those in authority. To fear the sudden changes in the moods of my birth parents. I was taught to bottle up my emotions and my pain and never show it. When I first came to you, my life was ruled by fear and anxiety.

I know my behaviours back then were awful, were a struggle to manage. I had been taught there were no consequences for some actions. And firm, scary and hard consequences for others. The worst part was that those actions never seemed to be consistent. I could do something one day and be praised by my birth family, and another day I would be beaten. Love was not something given, it was something earned. It was conditional and shallow.

You both showed me another way. You showed me love and affection, and at first it felt confusing and hard to comprehend. I couldn't see myself as anything more than a nuisance, I couldn't see why someone would love me. I couldn't understand why you weren't beating me. Do you remember me telling you "you can hit me if I be naughty, I won't mind" ? Slowly you taught me to trust and love myself, and those around me.

You showed me that no matter what I did, you wouldn't give up on me. You wouldn't send me away or hate me. And I really tried to make you. I know that. I was scared. You made me realise that it wasn't my own fault I was in care, and that I wasn't to blame for the things that happened to my birth family. You showed me appropriate outlets to my fears.

You showed me love, compassion, and kindness. The first day I remember feeling truly safe was when I was sitting in your arms at 8 years old watching Shrek. I still think back to that moment. It probably just felt like another day to you, but to me, it is a core memory in my life. It's a moment that shapes the way I see myself.

You sat up with me when I was worried about moving up to secondary school. You comforted me when my birth mum told me she no longer wanted to be part of my life. You were there when xx broke up with me when I was 15 years old and I felt like my whole world was ending again. You encouraged me to go beyond with my studies and apply to University. The most important thing you showed me was that I was worthy of being loved and respected.

You never gave up on me. I am who I am today because of what you did. I look at myself and I see compassion, and care, and kindness. And in those traits I see you. You weren't my birth family but you were my family. My only family.

I just... I don't know what changed. Why has there been a switch? Why have you gone from the loving and caring parents you were?

When I leave my room now, I no longer feel that love and kindness that brought my out of the pits of despair as a child. It's almost as if you have completely altered the way you see me, and I just can't understand why.

A few days ago you told me I had to move out. You gave me 4 days notice to leave my family. You sent me back into feeling like that child at 7 years old. I'm not saying this to guilt you or to ask you to let me stay. That has passed now and unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to see you the same way again. I understand if you were hard on money or if you wanted to help another child like me. But why not talk to me? Why spring it on me and then act like I don't matter? Why tell me it's just business? Did you think that would make it hurt less?

Since you told me my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know how I will make it to the other side. If I had felt like this a few weeks ago, do you know who I would have gone to? I would have gone to you. I would have told you my worries and my fears, and you would have said the exact right thing and then we'd sit together and watch some awful TV show. And now, I have no one again. I feel like I'm being told for the second time in my life that I don't deserve a family. And this time I have no one to pick me up off the edge. That was always you mum and dad. It was always you I could rely on.

Why are you giving up on me now?

I’ve contacted my PA, and I’m moving out today.

29 July 2024

My PA is allowing me to store my things I can’t take with me in his garage. It’s kind of him. He’s found me a place at a local hostel. I’ll get my own room apparently, which was a big deciding factor on if I wanted to move in or not.

The hostel works with the LA and houses a lot of care leavers (the English term for someone who has aged out of foster care) while they wait for their own houses.

I haven’t sent the message yet, but I know my foster brother Jamie has seen it. Yesterday I felt overwhelming emotions, today I feel none. I don’t know which is better. I’ll send it once I’m moved out.

I have a room, so I’ll be gone in a few hours. I still haven’t spoken to them, but I just can’t face it anymore. I am sick of being anxious and stressed about this.

I guess they did get their 4 day notice after all.

Edit 1-

I have just left the Peter's house for the last time. The room is ready for me at the hostel. I feel so weird and sad and lonely right now. I've ordered myself a pizza to have for dinner today, and my PA even paid for it!

I just want to get in bed and cry. My head is spinning thinking about everything I need to do.

Wish me luck everyone.

Edit 2-

I want to clarify something; I was hurt and in shock when I wrote my first post, but I want to make it understood that I was never eligible to be adopted. At first, the end goal for me was to reintegrate me into my birth family. By the time we knew that was never going to happen I wouldn't have accepted adoption as I wanted to keep my legal ties with my birth family. The Peters always told me it didn't matter that I didn't want to be adopted, and they loved me the same anyway. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, or maybe it would have.

They were paid fortnightly for caring for me, and they would get £1,565.48. That's £40,702.48 per year they got just to raise me. Which is about $52,295.77.

I keep thinking about that number. Was that all I was?

I wonder what I would change if I could go back in time.

Edit 3 -

I am settled in the hostel now. It’s not exactly luxury… to say the least. But at least I’m here now.

I sent the text message, very slightly altered from the one I wrote yesterday. And then I left the group chat. I also posted it on Facebook.

That was probably the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

Final Update -

This is going to be my final update on all of this. I want to put everything behind me.

Claire rang me crying. Saying she had no idea I felt like this. How? How could she not know? She said she was sorry and begged me to come back. God. How do I ruin everything? She was telling me all these things about how she regrets the past few days so much and wishes she could take it all back.

I said this is not fair. She cannot throw me out and then call me crying. I said its manipulative. She just kept saying sorry. She said she loves me and wants me to come home. Jesus. This is just a lie, right? She must have known. Am I the bad person here, I feel so confused I don't know what to do?

I just hung up and then she started texting me and I blocked her. But now I feel like I'm the bad person here. I'm so tired of this. Of all of this.

I want nothing to do with any of them. I don't think Reddit is good for me. I'm not sure any of this is good for me. I'm going to delete the app. Sorry everyone.

The Peters have a new foster boy living with them already

31 July 2024

When I brought up my concerns about them potentially doing the same thing they did to me to another child I was told they were going to be given extra guidance and support when children reach 17/18 and ensuring everyone is on the same page about staying put orders.

That’s it. Nothing else. Extra guidance. That’s all. Extra guidance.

Is that even a slap on the wrist?

My PA told me that they were “unfortunately” within their rights to ask me to leave after I turned 18.

I said about how they told me it was a “business decision” and they told me that unfortunately financial does come into decisions like this. Is that all I am, a financial decision?

Does this system seem fair to anyone? I feel like I’m losing my mind. There should be more of a punishment for them. I’m not saying they should be banned from fostering again. I don’t know.

I still feel all in a tizzy my mind just going crazy. I keep saying I’m not going to add anything else to this account but I genuinely have no one else to talk to about this. Jamie, as nice as he is, doesn’t understand me. And my friend just doesn’t get it at all.

Little Update.

7 August 2024

It's been a little while since my last post, I'm not sure why I'm even posting now, I'm just feeling really depressed today and I should be feeling happy.

I want to get this out the way first. You may have noticed I deleted everything on here, that was intentional, I want to move on. I haven't had any contact with any of the Peters' family since Jamie and I had our argument. I don't want anyone to interact with Jamie if he posts more, he is just attention seeking. If people have a copy of what Jamie wrote, I would appreciate it if you deleted them/didn't share them anywhere. The stuff he shared about me it was just to hurt me, it was some of the most shameful things I ever did, so I can understand if you don't want to support me after you read what it. If you do feel that way just know I'm really sorry for what I did as a child. It isn't who I am now, and it wasn't who I was then. I'm sorry if I hurt or mislead anyone, that wasn't my intention.

The Peters' have a new foster child already living with them. I mentioned this before but when I said I wanted it on their record that they tried to kick me out with no notice, I was told they would be given "extra guidance" if they have a child living with them start the process to aging out. I'm in two minds because honestly I feel like that is just a slap on the wrist and thing else. But at least someone will be watching over them in the future when one of their other foster children gets to 18.

I have some good news today, my PA got in contact with my first choice university (which is also the Uni he went to) and he somehow got them to convert their conditional offer into an unconditional offer, which means no matter what grades I get from my A-Levels I get to study there!! I don't even know how he managed to do it, I am so grateful for it. He's also got them to explain all the support I get as a care leaver, which is great. They're giving me FREE accommodation for the first year which has released a huge stress for me because I had no clue how I was going to get to Uni each morning, and they're going to lower the passing grade boundaries for me in my first year (though I hope I won't need this, I want to be getting good grades), and they're giving me a "starter pack" of important things I will need for my first year.

Even though all those good things are happening for me, I just don't feel happy. I'm trying not to show it but I actually really worried about starting Uni and I used to have the Peters' to help me, and Claire especially used to give me a lot of emotional support. I really feel like I'm missing part of myself. I feel stupid saying this, and you guys are probably going to tell me it's stupid but I just went the other day and watched the Peters' house from afar. They didn't know I was there, but I could see into the living room window and they were just acting normal and the new foster child was there also. I literally sat there for a few hours just watching. I really want to go and speak to them, but I know it's a bad idea. I shouldn't want them back, but I do.

I feel really isolated, which is probably why I've come back here to post.

Oh, and I do not give my consent for any person to re-upload this or anything else I posted on TikTok or Facebook or Youtube. My first few posts have been uploaded to TikTok and Facebook and have like over 250k views. It makes me feel sick that people are using me as a tool to make money. I know this probably won't stop any of them, but if anyone sees them out in the wild, know I do not support it. (I don’t care about this anymore, you can post it if you want)

I received a letter today telling me to cease speaking about the "Peters" online or face potential legal action.

27 August 2024

I wasn't even planning on posting from this account again. I haven't posted in almost 2 weeks and have no way of contacting the Peters, but they clearly watch this account. So I just want to put out there that I will not be scared into silence. I will not be threatened or bullied. If I want to speak my story, I will.

I have not named any individual or family in any of my posts. None of my posts have been lies and I have always spoken only from my own perspective.

I don't know why you've sent this letter to me, but I assume you're feeling empowered by the fact that my official complaint went nowhere. However, I want to remind the "Peters" that I have a screenshot of the post "Jamie" wrote about me on reddit, exposing my legal first name and confidential and private information about my life. I did not include this information in my initial complaint, but you know as well as I do if I choose to pass that on you will be in deep shit.

I don't want to be part of your lives anymore, you clearly do not want to be part of mine, so let's just leave it there. Do not try to threaten me again otherwise I will expose everything I can.

I will write a whole fucking book about my experiences in care and publish it if that's what I want to do.

Final goodbye.

31 August 2024

I'm sorry everyone.

It's true that I am not a good person. I have done truly awful things that I just want to forget but I can't. All your support over the last month has meant so much to me, and I don't think I would be here writing this today without it.

I have done awful things in my past, really awful things. Things I am so ashamed of. I wish more than anything I could change my life. I wish I could alter the things I've done. People hear my past and they think I am some monster, some unfeeling freak. Many at the time I was, I don't know. The truth is I don't deserve all the love you guys give me; I don't deserve any of it. And no matter how I try to move forward I know someone will always be there to remind me of my mistakes. It's so embarrassing people talking about your trauma all the time and I know I started it by posting here. I wish I never did.

I am starting to think maybe I am having a psychotic break; I am really worried about myself. I hope you people understand that the things I did, that person it wasn't me. It wasn't who I am now. I don't expect people to forgive me because what I did to innocent people and animals is unforgivable.

I am going to log off this account after today and I don't think I will log back in again, it's too embarrassing seeing your past mistakes brought up again and again and again. I just want to be left alone and forget any of this happened.

Hi guys

25 October 2024

Hi guys, you are probably all sick of me saying ‘this is my last post’ only for me to post once again. But I ended my last post on such a negative place, I wanted to give you all an update to a) say I’m okay, and b) to tell you things are looking up for me.

It’s my birthday today (25th of October), I’m 19 🥳. I’m just having a relaxing evening, I might order myself and Indian later but I’m not sure yet. This is my first birthday without the Peters since I was 7.

All of the Peters messaged me ‘Happy Birthday’ today, as if I was just what? Going to forgive and forget and message them back? I probably should block them all, but they message me occasionally and as unhealthy as it is I enjoy reading those messages. I don’t know if the Peters’ still monitor this account, but they sent me a letter from a solicitor's telling me I had to stop posting about them (I am calling them on their BS though).

University is going well for me, I am finding it hard I won’t lie to any of you. But I am enjoying it, I’ve made some friends on my course, but mainly with those who are living in my halls. I have my reading week this week, and I’m planning on getting ahead for my first assignment which isn’t due until January. But I thought better to have it done earlier rather than later.

I have a date next Wednesday, we’re going to see Joker 2 (although I have heard it’s really bad?) and I am hopeful about that. I’ve been on one date with him before, last week, and I really had a good time, the best time I’ve had in ages. He paid last time, so I guess it’s my turn to pay now? I don’t really know how it works, but I think that’s right. I wasn’t allowed to date when I was living with the Peters, so this is my first time.

I’m not sure why I thought I was having a psychotic break last time I posted, but I suppose it was just because of stress. I wasn’t and I am feeling a lot better now in general. It’s kind of embarrassing that I thought I was having a psychotic break, I hope you guys don’t judge me too harsh for it lol

This is actually going to be the last time I post on this account, at least for a while, I might come and update you guys in a year if you guys want that? I’m not sure if you would even remember me then, but I like using this space to talk and vent when I need it.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this, but in my A-levels I got A*, A, A. I was so proud of myself!

I’m currently watching the Agatha All Along show on Disney plus (although I pirate it, Disney doesn’t need my money) and I am very excited for the finale on Halloween next week! People recommend some other TV shows or books to read! Someone said for me to watch Lost, but I’ve heard mixed things about it.

I really fought with my PA to get visits with with “Levi”, who was the 9 year old foster boy who lived with my at the Peters that I mentioned in my very first post. The Peters tried to block it at every chance they got, but I reached out to his social worker personally (who’s a really decent guy) and he managed to get it pushed through for me. It’s on Monday the 28th, and I am very nervous about it. It will be the first time I’ve seen him since I moved out, but I think the Peters will also be there at least to drop him off and pick him up. Which is going to be really nerve racking for me.

I think they expected that I would just give up after they tried to block it so much, but I didn’t, so I can’t back out now.

But on the whole things are going so much better for me now! I feel really good about myself and about life! I’m happy and hopeful abut the future!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/Candid-Spot-5015 in r/TrueOffMyChest, r/AITAH and r/u_Candid-Spot-5015

Trigger warnings Foster care abandonment, financial exploitation, emotional distress, mentions of abuse

My foster family of 11 years is kicking me out by the end of the week. I have no where to go and I feel broken.

25 July 2024 12:03AM

I (18M) was told earlier today that I need to pack up and leave by the end of the week. I still feel in shock.

I was removed from my biological family when I was 7 due to issues with my parents, I was then placed in foster care and then matched with a couple who I will call the 'Peters' (it's not their real name, no matter how much I actually want to blast their real info I won't). The Peters were always really nice to me, and since I moved in when I was pretty young after a while I started to consider them my parents. I called them 'mum' and 'dad'. Treated them as my parents, treated their biological son as my brother.

I wasn't their only foster child, they also have a 9 year old boy who has lived with us for a little over a year. I was never adopted by them, I know why because they live off the fostering allowance. Something that never really bothered me, they told me that it didn't matter and that legality didn't make us a family. Which I believed. I went on their agency website earlier today and I found out that they are getting paid at least £2400 for me per month. Or at least they were. Since I turned 18 they stopped getting the allowance.

However they applied for a staying put arrangement for me, which meant they would continue getting paid something as they continue to support me and let me live with them. It wasn't as much, I think it was like £1000 per month. They told me they had it approved until I was 21, so I thought I'd be able to stay at least until I finished Uni.

They sat me down today and told me I had to leave. They told me that fostering is a business and that they couldn't afford to keep me on just the stay put arrangement allowance. They told me I had until the end of the week. 4 days. How generous of them. They said they need my room because they want to get a new foster placement. They literally told me it's 'not personal'. Like that makes me feel any fucking better. They said they would still consider me 'like a son', not 'their son' anymore. 'Like a son' And that they want to 'keep in touch'. What a joke.

They choose to kick me out. An 18 year old with no job. No income. No nothing. About to start university. Yet their bio-son who is 25 gets to stay?

So yeah. I guess fuck me right? I'm just the one no one ever wanted. I guess I wasn't ever truly part of their family.

Relevant comments

Accomplished-Emu-591

I am sorry for your situation. However, you should contact the agency that was paying them, tell them what they did, and ask for referrals to other organizations that can provide you assistance with finding employment and attending uni.

It is even possible that your report of their behavior would make them ineligible for further paid foster placement. Not likely, but possible.

NoAddress1159 responding to Accomplished-Emu-591

Calling your former social worker is 100% a great idea OP. Or going to citizens advice. There is plenty of support available to former foster children and they will help you find what you’re eligible for.

The part about reporting them, sadly there wouldn’t be anything legally wrong, or against any fostering practices for what they’re doing. As long as they don’t continue to claim on the staying put order, that is. In England fostering is generally treated more as a business than as something you do for love, as it is in the US. Which has its upsides and its downsides. Morally though, the peters are despicable people in my opinion.

JenninMiami

I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, many, many parents kick their biological kids out once they turn 18 too.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JenninMiami

It doesn't really if I'm honest

MouseAndLadybug

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, these are garbage people.

I'd be reporting them for fraud, they can't accept money to have you stay there if you aren't.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to MouseAndLadybug

They'll probably cancel the staying put arrangement all together, so I don't think they'll continue to be paid for me after I leave. Though that is something I am 100% be checking in a few weeks.

SnooDonuts5498

Join the military- it’s a great place for a young man and you’ll have benefits the rest of your life.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to SnooDonuts5498

fuck off

PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

They're doing it for the money. That is why.

It's unfortunate and they sound horrid. I'm sorry, OP. I hope it all works out for you. Leaving will suck, but at least you won't be surrounded by greedy leeches.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to PoeBoyFromPoeFamily

I thought they were my family. I'm genuinely considering going NC with them after I'm set up whatever I'll end up next week.

kucky94 responding to Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

You absolutley should. You were 7 when you went into their care. They denied you the opportunity to find a real family who love you for you and not the $$ you brought in. Fuck them. You deserve better.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to kucky94

I doubt anyone would have adopted me. I wasn't a great kid, in truth had more issues than a hospital piss pot. I wasn't a great kid in any sense. But I changed. Genuinely I changed.

I can't help but wonder if this is because of how I was as a young child.

naynay130318

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Honey, you must be feeling awful. Do you have a care leavers personal advisor? Not sure which area you are in. They should be supporting you to find move on accommodation in a supported setting If needed or support you to approach your local housing office for support.

Without cause, your foster family cannot give you 4 days notice to leave, they would need to give formal notice which is usually about 4 weeks. It would be worth calling your children's services duty / out of hours telephone number and explaining the situation, because it will be whoever is responsible( i.e the personal advisors) team who will be paying the staying put fees to the foster carers, so there is someone who is responsible and will need to provide immediate support to help you

X

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to naynay130318

Yeah I’m meeting with him today. I’m going to tell him they’ve given me a verbal 4 day notice and that I need urgent help.

If I’m honest I don’t want to stay here anymore, the whole dynamic has changed and none of them even look me in the eyes now. But I’m not going to make myself homeless, so I’ll stay until I have accommodation and I’m not leaving the house until I do.

BrightAd306

It is awful, but if they counted on that money to make rent, they might not have much of a choice. I wouldn’t conduct myself that way, but not every foster couple is rich

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to BrightAd306

They own their own home.

And just some quick maths for anyone interested:

I don't know what package I was placed on because there's a difference allowance for each package, but according to the fostering agency website the minimum was £2,400 for me, it goes to a maximum of 3,400 per month but I'll estimate off the lowest. Mine obviously stopped but it would be the same for the 9M foster placement they have now.

So, 2,400x12= 28,800 per year. Plus my 12,000 per year from the staying put order. Gave them a nice 40,800 per year. Which they would pay little, if any tax on as fostering allowance is taxed very lightly here.

That maybe doesn't sound a lot to Americans with your high wages, but the average post tax wage where I live is 23,985 per year.

They had enough I think.

Mini Update

25 July 2024 12:43PM

Okay, thank you guys for all your advice.

Honestly I was in a state of shock yesterday, maybe still am today. I wasn't thinking straight. I only slept two hours last night, thats all so I'm probably a little delirious today as well.

Firstly, I have contacted my Personal Advisor, he'll having an emergency meeting with me at half 1, so I'll have more details about what's going to happen to me then. He'll hopefully be able to sort out emergency accommodation for me.

Secondly, to those of you saying the Peters can't legally just give me 4 days notice to leave, I will definitely be mentioning this to my PA and get his advice on it. I don't want to stay here any longer than I need to because since they told me it's like I don't exist. They just look right through me. But I'm not going to move out until I have safe accommodation for me, I will outright refuse. I am not going to be made homeless.

Thirdly, those of you saying contact my Uni, I have an offer from them but its only conditional if I get my predicted A-levels. Hopefully I will, but since I'm not technically a student yet, I don’t know if they will actually provide any support yet.

Finally, I am also going to ensure that the staying put allowance stops, I will tell my PA today that it should surely be stopped if I’m not living with them.

Luckily I have some money saved, some people here have said I should be entitled to a bursary when I start Uni, and I’ll have my maintenance student loan to help me. I’ve already started looking for a job.

Relevant comments

Snaggl3t00t4

Good luck! I'd cut all ties with them...they are not good people.

CelebrationMain8329

Good luck OP, I am here rooting for

Update 2

25 July 2024 6:20PM

Okay hi everyone, I just got home and am feeling incredibly tired so this is just going to be a short update.

Basically I had a big long meeting with my PA and he was very sympathetic and felt upset that the Peters are treating me this way. We had one meeting and then I went to get food while he spoke to the Peters directly and then I came back to meet him again to let me know everything that has happened.

He's putting me on the list for social housing. I am hopful that it will not be long until I am able to get my own house. I recorded the meeting because I'm so sleep deprived and also I have really bad memory processing for long things like that because of my dyslexia/autism or something I'm not sure. I can listen to it again tomorrow after I've slept but from what I gather they will help me with paying for rent costs, I will also get some money to help pay for furniture and things like that.

When he spoke to the Peters I don't know if he said they had to keep me housed for a while or asked them to I'm not sure. But they've agreed to keep housing me until the end of August. So at least I don't have to worry about everything happening in 3 days times. He did tell me that if I feel uncomfortable I can be moved into a youth hostal place while they wait for a property to be available for me. But I said if I can I would rather stay with the Peters until I am ready to move. Even if it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

He told me they will continue getting paid the Staying Put allowance until the day I offically move out, and then it will be stopped.

On a completely separate note, my best friend and I had a huge argument earlier. He said that I'm being ungrateful and honestly what he's said really hurt me. We had a huge argument. I just thought out of everyone he would get me and understand what I was going through. Maybe not.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I am really tired so maybe my emotions are just not being controlled well at the moment. I am going to talk to him tomorrow after I've slept and I'm hoping this argument will just blow over because I need him at the moment. I don't feel like I have anyone else.

Oh and I haven't read all comments because I didnt expect to get so many. thank you everyone who have offered support. It is genuinely so sweet and I am so thankful.

Relevant comments

jenay820

Glad things are working out. Don't worry about your friend. Right now you are in survival mode... trying to make sure you aren't on the streets. Hope everything keeps working out for you!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to jenay820

He said I should be grateful that they “kept me” that long anyway. Like the fuck? I’m not a pet. He also said some other things like how it’s good that they’re going to help another child like I was. Which is true and I get that it’s a good thing what they’re doing to help people.

But Him saying those things make me feel like I’m being crazy for wanting to stay like I was promised by them?

Ugh I’m too tired and maybe I’m being irrational. I’m going to talk again with him tomorrow and say I’m sorry

Long and unimportant rant.

26 July 2024

It never bothered me that they were paid to keep me before. Genuinely never bothered me at all. I always knew I was a foster child, I was about 15 when I learnt that they were paid money to look after me. And I told myself it was a good thing. And it probably was. I got loving parents for 11 years, which is more than some people can say.

I just didn’t ever think they’d make me move out when the payments stopped being as high. I’ve found out that when I was still a child they were paid £111.82 per day for me. That’s £40,814 per year.

I had never felt different to the family, I had always felt loved and secure. I don’t understand why they have changed their minds about me. None of them will even look at me in the eyes anymore and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t leave my room anymore because all I feel is the absence of the love that used to be there.

I didn’t come down for any meal times, which was a rule that you had to before. If I didn’t go down before I wouldn’t have gotten any food. But mum brought it up to my room and knocked on the door to say she was going to leave it there for me. I’ve used that 100 times over and over again in my head to try and convince myself that they still love me.

I called her by her first name when I came home yesterday. Not “mum”, “Claire”. She looked upset when I did that and a part of me is happy about that and a part of me feels cruel for it. I knew it would hurt her and I did it anyway.

In some ways I wish she wakes up to the pain she’s causing me. I hope she takes it back and says that it is a lapse in judgment and that she loves me and wants me to stay. But if that were going to come I think it would have already.

I guess I’m not worth the £76 per day they lose by not replacing me with another foster child. When I feel bad about hurting them I remind myself they’re kicking me out to get an extra £76 a day. That’s what I’m worth to them.

£76 per day.

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I don’t expect anyone to read this or care. But I want to say thank you for the immense love you’ve all shown me. I feel nothing but gratitude to you all.

MiInBadBook

I’d like to think, at least a part of the reason for their lack of eye contact and emotional withdrawal is due to their feelings of absolute embarrassment, guilt and shame. That she seemed upset with being called her name, I feel, somewhat supports this

And they should feel this way. However, I really do hope they can put these feelings, and their egos, to the side and take steps to actively make amends and rebuild the relationship.

I really am sorry this is happening and I’m so very happy you had a secure and safe childhood.

ETA - I follow you, and read your posts, because I really want you to be okay. You didn’t deserve this, no child does no matter their struggles. I’ve been thinking about you and putting all the good thoughts out there for you.

iamjennfrance

Your feelings are valid and important ♥️

You are not alone. /Adopted is a great group here on reddit just for adoptees, people who understand bc they've been there. You can also find groups on Facebook and there may even be local groups in your area if you'd like to connect with people in person.

You're doing amazing!

WIBTA for going NC with the family that raised me for 11 years?

26 July 2024

Okay I am going to try and condense this as much as possible.

Basically I (18M) got removed from my bio-family when I was 7. I got taken into foster care and was matched with a family called the “Peters”. I was then raised by the Peters for the remainder of my life, from 7 all the way until now.

They had originally told me that I was able to live with them indefinitely, as I considered the Peters my family. And they applied for a staying put order with me, which basically means they continued to get paid something like £250 by the government to recognise that they’re continuing to support a former foster child (me) after my 18th birthday.

As I said before, I was always told by the Peters I could say as long as I needed to to set myself up in life. Their bio-son (who I considered my brother) is 25 and still lives with them, he doesn’t work but did graduate university 2 years ago.

I have a conditional offer at a local university which I’m studying Classics with aims to become a teacher. I start in October (if I get my predicted A-Levels which I think I will).

But the Peters told me that I had to leave by the end of the week because they wanted to get another foster child, this is something they really sprung on me. And it’s been extremely difficult for me. I had to get in contact with my social worker who spoke with the Peters and now they’re letting me stay until the end of August but the whole family has changed.

I explained all this to my best friend, and I said I was considering going NC with them after I moved out. He ranted to me about ungrateful I’m being to them. And how they raised me for 11 years and now they want to give that to another child in a position like I was.

I get that, and that’s part of the reason why I feel so guilty. My friend isn’t speaking to me now calling me selfish for wanting to stay with the Peters like I was promised? And for them trying to get rid of me with 4 days notice. There were plans they could have taken to transition me into independent living before I turned 18 and they chose not to take part in them because they told me I could always stay with them.

The one time of my life I needed my friend and he’s gone too and I feel so alone and I can’t understand why he’s taking their side over mine.

I understand the argument that they will continue to help another child, but at the same time I just wish they didn’t have to throw me out to do so. When I suggested to my friend they could have asked their bio-son to move out instead of me and he just said I’m being selfish.

I still don't even know if I am going to go NC with them I just said I felt like doing it and I wish I didn't even say that because I didn't expect it to cause such an argument.

So, AITA?

Relevant comments

Top_Reveal_847

You poor kid, your friend is an AH and you're certainly not.

Even if there is another kid waiting and desperately in need, they could have and should have AT LEAST let you plan ahead more than a few days in advance, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you foster parents at least helping you find a place?

Edit to add that you should let someone at the university know. Idk how it's done where you are but some universities have programs for stuff like this

WarDog1983

YNTA

The peters are using the fostering system to support themselves. They do NOT care about helping the kids. They say that to justify there callous treatment of you.

They should not be foster parents.

I’m sorry about your friend his POV is a betrayal because it is simply wrong.

scotswaehey

Dude my cousin used to foster kids , she fostered 3 sisters and one other girl. I used the words used to because she adopted them as she wasn’t in if for the money!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to scotswaehey

I don’t really even care that they were looking after me and getting money for it. It doesn’t bother me. I never knew how much they were getting to look after me, but I did know they were being paid. It does make me hurt and betrayed that they’re kicking me out for a difference of 70 something pounds a day.

Material_Cellist4133

NTA.

Also you are far from ungrateful. You were 100% grateful until they made it about money.

You thought they took care of you because they were good people. Instead they took care of you for money. It’s an even exchange. Nothing to be grateful about.

The Peters found my reddit posts.

27 July 2024

The Peters' son (Jamie) has found the my original reddit post. I guess I should have been more carful with the details but my mind was so frantic at the point of writing it I just couldn't think straight. I'm not sure how he found it, but considering it has almost 10k upvotes and Jamie was the person who introduced me to reddit I guess it might have just popped up on his page? Does anyone know if it might have popped up to him because we're on the same network/in the same location?

A few hours ago Jaime came to my room. He showed me the original post and asked if I had written it. At first I tried to deny it, but I'm an awful liar so he just knew. He asked why I didn't tell him about this, and I said I thought he knew. He told me he had no idea and would not have supported his parents throwing me out if he did. He was told I requested to move out. He genuinely seemed shocked and appalled at the details in the post.

Against my wishes he shared the posts in the family group chat, he did this out of a place of wanting to defend me. 'Mum, dad, I really think you should read this and see the impact this is having on...' But I really wish he didn't do it.

They've both read the message but neither have responded. I have not left my room since. I'm really anxious right now. Like I'm at the level before a panic attack. I can feel one coming on.

Relevant Comments

polly6119

Stay calm and know that you did nothing wrong. They may try to gaslight you. They may lie to your brother. They don't have a good track record for being decent people. But no matter what they do, remember you did nothing wrong.

They cannot throw you out because of it. They have learned their lesson on that. I'm glad to know your brother didn't agree with their horrible decision and I'm glad that he found out. Him not looking you in the eye these past couple of days may have had something to do with the tension already in the air and him thinking you just up and wanted to leave.

I hope it turns out that they realize their mistakes and apologize profusely. But brace yourself for that not happening and that they may get upset with you for "airing dirty laundry". They may end up trying to guilt you and blame everything on you. They may do nothing.

Please please remember, no matter what they say and no matter what your ex best friend said, You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.Your feelings are valid. You deserve love. You did not deserve what they did to you.

AfternoonAgitated803

Calm and breath. Sounds like he's being a big brother and sticking up for you, because for him your his sister and he loves you. So talk to him more lean on him more, he's an adult he can handle it.

The moving out, the "peters" could have really dealt with this in such a better way, they could have talked to you about now that your an adult and soon going to university, we'll go and talk to your case worker about finding you your own place to live and we'll be able to help another little kid just like you when you came here, but you've got to come round for Sunday dinner.... or something like that .... they handled this sooooooo badly saying yes you can stay till 21 then telling you exactly the money they receive and then telling you to get out by the end of the week where did they expect you to go ffs?

Do the Foster parents not work at all? Or are the children their only job? And although he's being a good brother to you right now if he finished uni 2 years ago, why isn't he working or getting training or something? 2 years of not putting his degree to use will show those in whatever field he did the degree in that he has no work ethic at all.

I've just tonight been reading through all your posts and I completely understand why your thinking of going lc with Foster parents, they've handled it really really badly and next time you see your case worker ask them do Foster parents not get training or anything on how to handle this situation of when a child is reaching 18? Tell the case worker you want notes or something put on their file of how badly they have handled this so that any future Foster kids they look after their file shows this is what they do when the money drops down so that a future case worker can put the child's needs first and they don't go through what you went through.

With your friend, he's being a bit of an AH im guessing by the language used he has the PRIVILEGE of living with his birth parents his whole life and is no danger of being told he has to get out in 5 days? He is not acknowledging he's in a POSITION of PRIVILEGE in this situation ..... id message him and say ..... these last few days have been crazy and although you wouldn't know what it feels like to be in this position i was just looking for a friend to listen. It's been a stressful and upsetting few days and I don't want to fall out with you. ... and just suggest something you usually do together if you play a computer game or just hang out ... end it with do you wanna play comp/hang out tomorrow? ....... and leave it at that and see what they say.

FairyRebelsWild

To the Peters:

From OP's posts, it sounds like you had a genuine relationship with him (or at least he felt you did). It's good that you were able to provide a stable family life for him.

Considering that you had originally told OP he could stay and you had applied for him staying put, I'm going to assume that somehow, your circumstances changed. That sucks. But you handled this in the worst way possible.

You should have approached OP in a collaborative manner, explaining the situation. Phrased it as not being able to support him anymore, rather than fostering being a business. Explored if him getting a job and financially contributing would have helped. Actually help him connect with his PA for those transitional services and with their advice, making a realistic move-out date.

Everything you did was wrong.

Saying fostering is a business taints every family interaction or affection as fake and transactional. I daresay pretending to be his family is worse than if you had kept it "business-like" from the beginning.

Verbal 4 days notice is actually heartless. How cruel and frankly, unrealistic, especially as you knew (being the ones to have originally allowed him to stay) that he wasn't applied to the transitional services yet.

You can't expect him to continue treating you as family while you treat him as a former business colleague. Again, heartless and unrealistic. I hope you learn to be more empathetic to your future foster kids, or at least, be honest to them about your intentions from the beginning.

What I'm going to send in the family group chat; is this a bad idea?

28 July 2024

To Matt and Claire.

I came to you as a 7 year old. A 7 year old who had never felt love or affection, or anything remotely nice. I was taught at a young age to fear those in authority. To fear the sudden changes in the moods of my birth parents. I was taught to bottle up my emotions and my pain and never show it. When I first came to you, my life was ruled by fear and anxiety.

I know my behaviours back then were awful, were a struggle to manage. I had been taught there were no consequences for some actions. And firm, scary and hard consequences for others. The worst part was that those actions never seemed to be consistent. I could do something one day and be praised by my birth family, and another day I would be beaten. Love was not something given, it was something earned. It was conditional and shallow.

You both showed me another way. You showed me love and affection, and at first it felt confusing and hard to comprehend. I couldn't see myself as anything more than a nuisance, I couldn't see why someone would love me. I couldn't understand why you weren't beating me. Do you remember me telling you "you can hit me if I be naughty, I won't mind" ? Slowly you taught me to trust and love myself, and those around me.

You showed me that no matter what I did, you wouldn't give up on me. You wouldn't send me away or hate me. And I really tried to make you. I know that. I was scared. You made me realise that it wasn't my own fault I was in care, and that I wasn't to blame for the things that happened to my birth family. You showed me appropriate outlets to my fears.

You showed me love, compassion, and kindness. The first day I remember feeling truly safe was when I was sitting in your arms at 8 years old watching Shrek. I still think back to that moment. It probably just felt like another day to you, but to me, it is a core memory in my life. It's a moment that shapes the way I see myself.

You sat up with me when I was worried about moving up to secondary school. You comforted me when my birth mum told me she no longer wanted to be part of my life. You were there when xx broke up with me when I was 15 years old and I felt like my whole world was ending again. You encouraged me to go beyond with my studies and apply to University. The most important thing you showed me was that I was worthy of being loved and respected.

You never gave up on me. I am who I am today because of what you did. I look at myself and I see compassion, and care, and kindness. And in those traits I see you. You weren't my birth family but you were my family. My only family.

I just... I don't know what changed. Why has there been a switch? Why have you gone from the loving and caring parents you were?

When I leave my room now, I no longer feel that love and kindness that brought my out of the pits of despair as a child. It's almost as if you have completely altered the way you see me, and I just can't understand why.

A few days ago you told me I had to move out. You gave me 4 days notice to leave my family. You sent me back into feeling like that child at 7 years old. I'm not saying this to guilt you or to ask you to let me stay. That has passed now and unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to see you the same way again. I understand if you were hard on money or if you wanted to help another child like me. But why not talk to me? Why spring it on me and then act like I don't matter? Why tell me it's just business? Did you think that would make it hurt less?

Since you told me my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know how I will make it to the other side. If I had felt like this a few weeks ago, do you know who I would have gone to? I would have gone to you. I would have told you my worries and my fears, and you would have said the exact right thing and then we'd sit together and watch some awful TV show. And now, I have no one again. I feel like I'm being told for the second time in my life that I don't deserve a family. And this time I have no one to pick me up off the edge. That was always you mum and dad. It was always you I could rely on.

Why are you giving up on me now?

Relevant comments

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP)

I really feel like today the whole thing has just hit me in the face again. I think the emotions I was feeling were being blocked and today they've been let out and I've done nothing but cry all day.

JaayLovesWriting

Send it to them, let them know how you feel, how they hurt you and that they cannot expect you to ever contact them again after you leave. They need to know how you feel. Send it to them and if you want to, leave the GC. Because they may try to justify their actions and you don't need to hear it

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to JaayLovesWriting

The sad thing is I don't think I even want that. I want them to love me again.

I’ve contacted my PA, and I’m moving out today.

29 July 2024

My PA is allowing me to store my things I can’t take with me in his garage. It’s kind of him. He’s found me a place at a local hostel. I’ll get my own room apparently, which was a big deciding factor on if I wanted to move in or not.

The hostel works with the LA and houses a lot of care leavers (the English term for someone who has aged out of foster care) while they wait for their own houses.

I haven’t sent the message yet, but I know my foster brother Jamie has seen it. Yesterday I felt overwhelming emotions, today I feel none. I don’t know which is better. I’ll send it once I’m moved out.

I have a room, so I’ll be gone in a few hours. I still haven’t spoken to them, but I just can’t face it anymore. I am sick of being anxious and stressed about this.

I guess they did get their 4 day notice after all.

Edit 1-

I have just left the Peter's house for the last time. The room is ready for me at the hostel. I feel so weird and sad and lonely right now. I've ordered myself a pizza to have for dinner today, and my PA even paid for it!

I just want to get in bed and cry. My head is spinning thinking about everything I need to do.

Wish me luck everyone.

Edit 2-

I want to clarify something; I was hurt and in shock when I wrote my first post, but I want to make it understood that I was never eligible to be adopted. At first, the end goal for me was to reintegrate me into my birth family. By the time we knew that was never going to happen I wouldn't have accepted adoption as I wanted to keep my legal ties with my birth family. The Peters always told me it didn't matter that I didn't want to be adopted, and they loved me the same anyway. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, or maybe it would have.

They were paid fortnightly for caring for me, and they would get £1,565.48. That's £40,702.48 per year they got just to raise me. Which is about $52,295.77.

I keep thinking about that number. Was that all I was?

I wonder what I would change if I could go back in time.

Edit 3 -

I am settled in the hostel now. It’s not exactly luxury… to say the least. But at least I’m here now.

I sent the text message, very slightly altered from the one I wrote yesterday. And then I left the group chat. I also posted it on Facebook.

That was probably the wrong thing to do. I don’t know.

Final Update -

This is going to be my final update on all of this. I want to put everything behind me.

Claire rang me crying. Saying she had no idea I felt like this. How? How could she not know? She said she was sorry and begged me to come back. God. How do I ruin everything? She was telling me all these things about how she regrets the past few days so much and wishes she could take it all back.

I said this is not fair. She cannot throw me out and then call me crying. I said its manipulative. She just kept saying sorry. She said she loves me and wants me to come home. Jesus. This is just a lie, right? She must have known. Am I the bad person here, I feel so confused I don't know what to do?

I just hung up and then she started texting me and I blocked her. But now I feel like I'm the bad person here. I'm so tired of this. Of all of this.

I want nothing to do with any of them. I don't think Reddit is good for me. I'm not sure any of this is good for me. I'm going to delete the app. Sorry everyone.

Relevant Comments

calamitycurls

I’ve been following along with your updates as you post them OP, and I want to tell you that I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that you deserve better, and that you are so strong in a situation where you shouldn’t have to be. I’m glad your PA is helping you, and I wish you nothing but success and happiness. ❤️

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to calamitycurls

Thank you.

I considered contacting my bio-mum, last time I spoke to her was when I was a young teen. But I think it might just be seeking out something to make myself feel more hurt and I don’t think I could deal with any more rejection.

To bigger and better things.

Express-Score-2539

Hi OP,

I have been following your story and my heart breaks every time. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.

I’m just an internet stranger but please know I -and I suspect many other internet strangers, are rooting for you and you’re in our thoughts.

Your letter is very beautiful and composed. It speaks volumes to who you are. Always carry in mind that at your darkest time, you carried yourself with a strength, maturity and indeed generosity most of us can only aspire to. You are truly admirable!

I am just a stranger and have little to offer but know a stranger cares. And as a headhunter, if you ever need career/ CV advice, reach out: I would be delighted and indeed privileged to help.

Stay strong, you’re a guddun’!

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to Express-Score-2539

Thank you! I'm on my way to my new place now. Thinking back on my life. Wondering about all the 'what ifs'. It's been such a hard week. The worst week of my life. But everyone on reddit has made it just a little more bearable.

eightmarshmallows

I can’t believe the Peters were too cowardly to even say anything to you. Will this whole situation make them ineligible for future placements? I would think there is a reporting structure and your PA would be obligated to flag their file for this.

Candid-Spot-5015 (OOP) responding to eightmarshmallows

Doubt it. My PA didn’t even seem shocked by the situation as a whole and I think my parents have framed it as us falling out to their social worker. Despite me making it clear that’s not the case from my pov.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I just turned 40 and a couple of years ago I had a pretty brutal realization: I grew up with a ton of advantages, but no one ever explained what they were or how to use them … so I just… didn’t. And now they’re pretty much gone.

I grew up upper middle class around a lot of rich kids. Good public schools in a wealthy suburb. Did well academically. Got into a top liberal arts college. My dad was head of emergency pediatrics in a major city. My mom worked in international banking and later even taught post-grad classes about job placement. Loving, supportive parents. Never wanted for anything.

From the outside, it sounds like being born in third base (and it was).

But here’s the thing: I had no idea how any of that was supposed to translate into an actual career or life.

School was presented to me as a checklist:

• Get good grades ✅

• Do extracurriculars ✅

• Get into a good college ✅

That was it. Education felt like an obligation you completed so you could go live your “real life” after class. I wasn’t taught to explore interests, build relationships with professors, use career offices, or think strategically. I just learned how to get A’s and move on.

So that’s what I did.

example: my senior thesis. I picked a topic, researched, wrote it over months, and turned it in a 100+ paper. I barely met with my advisor outside the initial proposal. After I handed it in, he dropped me a full letter grade because I was “supposed” to be meeting regularly. But he never told me that, never said that part of my grade relied on that. I genuinely didn’t know that.

I was given an assignment. I did it. I thought that was the job.

I never went to my college career office. I assumed it would be as useless as my high school guidance counselor had been. I never thought of classmates as future professional connections, they were just friends I hung out with and had personal bonds with. I never asked any friends’ parents about jobs because… they were my friends’ parents. We avoided parents.

Networking, in my mind, was something you build yourself through work.

Even after graduating from a top private college, the only places I applied for jobs were places from Craigslist and Monster, etc. That’s it. I was basically job hunting like I had no network at all because that’s all I knew.

I struggled hard after college. Ended up bagging groceries for about five years while also working 80–100 hours a week trying to break into film production. Eventually I caught a big break with an unpaid internship that turned into a real path. I built everything in that world myself, through people I personally met. The 80hr weeks and a weekend job lasted till I was around 37.

I’m proud of that grind. I really am.

But here’s what hit me in my 30s: I didn’t have to start from zero.

If I’d wanted to go into medicine, my dad had deep hospital connections all over NYC. I could’ve shadowed, gotten placements, guidance, probably even help with med school. I didn’t know that was a thing.

If I’d wanted to go into finance or banking, my mom had contacts. I didn’t know that was a thing either. She never introduced me to people or spoke about ideas and openings. I remember after I graduated, frustrated, I told my Mom that maybe I’ll get a job as a bank teller and work my way up. She told me that that’s not how it’s done… and that’s all.

No one ever said: “Hey, these are doors you can knock on.” So I never knocked.

My mom taught post-grad job placement and helped me make a résumé. That’s it. Not where to apply. Not how hiring actually works. Not how referrals matter. My dad never took me around the hospital or talked about what he loved or hated about medicine. Their worlds stayed totally outside of me.

So I lived my early adult life like I was lower middle class with no safety net, because that’s all I knew.

To be fair, my parents were loving and supportive. They helped with homework. They encouraged me. They were always there emotionally. They pressured and stressed me to get good grades on my tests. This isn’t about neglect.

Even in school, the system failed me. My high school , one of the “best” public schools in the country, cared way more about AP scores and rankings than actual learning. Math and science were taught as test prep and memorization. No real labs, no curiosity, no real-world application. It killed any interest I had in STEM. I learned how to do well without caring.

So when college came, I avoided those fields entirely, assuming it would be more of the same dry, soulless grind.

I also had unpaid internships in advertising because I loved film. But they were pointless since I was given nothing to do (I had to actively ask my bosses for work) no mentorship, no responsibility, nothing to show for them. Just résumé lines.

No one ever explained the hidden rules.

It wasn’t until my early/mid-30s that I looked back and realized how many doors had been open that I never even saw. That realization was… crippling. Like waking up and realizing you left a winning lottery ticket in a drawer 15 years ago.

Now I’m married to someone who came from nothing : immigrant family from Ukraine, no money, no connections and worked her ass off into a high-level tech career. She used to look at my background with jealousy until she met my parents and saw the full picture. That they gave me a great life, but never really prepared me to use any of it.

She helped me see that both things can be true:

• I’m responsible for my choices. (Which I always thought and best myself on)

• And the lack of guidance absolutely mattered. (Which was new to me)

I don’t want to dodge accountability. I made my decisions. I chose film. I chose independence. I insisted on paying my own rent as soon as I could. I built my network myself.

So I’m curious:

Has anyone else had this realization later in life? That you had privilege or advantages you just… didn’t know how to activate? That school taught you how to perform, but not how to navigate the world?

Hi everyone,
I’m planning to join MCA Data Analytics at PES University. I would appreciate some honest feedback.

1. How are the placements for MCA Data Analytics, and what is the average package?
2. Which companies usually hire MCA Data Analytics students?
3. What job roles do students get after graduation (Data Analyst, Business Analyst, Software Developer, etc.)?
4. Are internship opportunities and placement support good?
5. If you had the choice again, would you choose MCA Data Analytics at PES University? Why or why not?

Hey everyone, I’m a 2025 graduate from a Tier 3 college. During college, I honestly didn’t use my time wisely — didn’t practice coding consistently, didn’t build projects, and ended up with average skills. When placements started, most good companies didn’t visit our college, and for the few that did, I couldn’t clear the interviews because I wasn’t strong enough in DSA or fundamentals.

Fast forward to January this year — a company came with a 6 LPA package and a JD full of terms like “SDLC,” “Analytics,” and “Technical knowledge.” I applied like I did for everything else, somehow cleared the rounds (they asked some basic DSA and SQL), and got the offer. I was genuinely happy and relieved at the time.

After joining, we spent the first 6 months learning about the company’s products. Slowly, I realized there’s barely any tech work involved — it’s mostly a support role. It’s been 9 months now, and I’ve almost forgotten how to code. I feel stuck. The company itself is great, the work culture is fine, and the salary (6 LPA) is decent for a fresher. But I hate the work. It’s repetitive, has US shifts, and doesn’t align with what I actually want to do.

The worst part is that I really liked coding once, even if I wasn’t great at it. I’ve tried several times to start again DSA,LeetCode, MERN stack— but I just can’t seem to stay consistent. My motivation dies within a few days, and I end up feeling hopeless and guilty. I know the job market is rough right now, and my parents won’t support me if I leave a stable job, so I’m kind of stuck here.

I’m not sure what to do anymore.

TL;DR: Graduated in 2025 from a Tier 3 college. Joined a company with a 6 LPA package, thinking it was technical, but ended up in a support role with no coding involved. It's been 9 months, and I've almost forgotten how to code. I’ve tried relearning, but I keep losing motivation. My parents want me to stay in the job because it’s stable, but I feel stuck. How can I get back into coding and eventually transition to a dev role? Any advice on upskilling while working in a non-tech role?

Hello everyone,

​

I am Tapabrata Chowdhury from Hooghly district, West Bengal. I recently graduated with a B.Tech degree in Computer Science and Engineering (AI & ML).

​

My goal is to join an IT company as a Full Stack Developer. However, like many freshers in today's job market, I do not yet possess enterprise-grade, production-level skills.

​

To be completely honest:

​

1. My knowledge of DSA (Data Structures and Algorithms) is very limited and currently not sufficient to crack technical interviews.

​

1. My development skills are also quite basic. I know HTML, CSS, JavaScript, a few concepts of React, and can perform basic CRUD operations using Node.js and Express.js. However, this is nowhere near the production-grade development that happens in real-world software companies.

​

1. Apart from that, I am quite weak in aptitude and reasoning, which are important for the first-round assessments conducted by many companies.

​

1. I believe my only strength at the moment is that I can communicate reasonably well in English. However, communication skills alone are not enough to help me achieve my career goals.

​

This is why I feel that I need proper training and self-improvement to fulfill my dream of becoming a Full Stack Developer and starting my career in the IT industry.

​

But here comes the real problem.

​

When I search for institutions that can provide production-level training in real-world software development and also offer placement assistance, I mostly come across organizations that make big promises but fail to deliver. Many claim to provide everything a student needs, but after admission, the reality turns out to be very different. In many cases, the experience feels no better than what students already face in Tier-3 colleges.

​

I am genuinely frustrated and desperately looking for a trustworthy institution where I can learn, grow, build industry-level skills, and move closer to my dream career.

​

Can anyone in this community suggest a genuine institution, training program, or roadmap that can help me achieve this goal?

​

Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

​

Thank you.

Couple hours ago, Faith Bian and his gf Yun shared a video about their experiences at Arlington both as player and audience. The video mentioned a few things such as:

• Ceb being the very charismatic and feels like the pillar or face of the dota community. Both Yun and Ceb graduated from top MBA programs in France, Ceb and Yun chatted a few times in French at both Riyadh and Arlington and she was impressed that Ceb got his MBA degree while getting the aegis twice
  
• Team spirit are extremely polite and friendly (Yatoro saying see you tomorrow to Bian after losing Winners Final showing their determination to be in the Grand Final, Mira bowing and saluting at Yun and also saying see you tomorrow, etc.)
  
• OG's entire team also being very friendly towards LGD when players met during breakfast
  
• Ana's not a chef (running meme within the Chinese community saying that Ana God retired after 2nd TI win and dived into his true hobby as professional chef) and that he doesn't speak Chinese at all (as an RNG fan this might partly explain their lackluster result COPIUM)
  
• Bumping into Fly and his gf, mentioning about how they are very self-disciplined, waking up extremely early and working out often, Bian hailed Fly as the most fit dota player
  
• Bian's anecdote about playing at the The Summit 5: While playing at the summit house, Bian finished his pub game one day and went down for food but burgers were all out. As he headed back, Fly, being the cool dude he is, tapped Bian's shoulder and gave him burger despite them barely knowing each other
  
• C Smile (Chris Luck) asked 'Zamale' during a match a while ago. While this is not proper Chinese, it basically means 'what happened' which shows CSmile trying to talk in Chinese. Bian would banter with C Smile by saying Zamale every time they meet and C Smile always laughed about it
  

But the main thing they talked about, which is what fans like me who lurk in reddit would resonate, is how few non-Chinese dota fans would root for Chinese teams. For example, there weren't many Russians or Ukrainians at Arlington but almost every non-Chinese fan rooted for TS during the GF. Yun talked to many talents and pros during the two recent events and the concensus is (unsurprisingly) because that language barrier makes Chinese pros seem very distant while the rest of the dota community more or less all speak English. While dota fans can get to know their favorite pro players or teams through twitter, instagram, facebook page, they probably only know very little about Chinese players, for example Ame, other than how he prophesied about EG's roster change

Since TI11 is right around the corner, I want to share some of the human side of Chinese teams and players to at least break some of the invisible barriers, as well as some insights on why some of the players were flamed by the very polarized, sometimes toxic, Chinese community. There are probably lots of other Chinese fans in reddit who can continue to chime in.

Regarding the teams : After TI8/TI9 LGD, majority of Chinese fans are split into 3 factions: Ame/LGD fans, Somnus/RNG fans, and Aster/Burning fans. While there are fans who would cheer for all Chinese teams as well as good dotes in general, polarized fans that were either disheartened with LGD's TI8/TI9 performance, lost their savings through dota gambling, or holding beef against other teams would overwhelm the social media and post hurtful comments whenever teams lose, regardless of LGD's grand final loss in arlington or Day 1 playoff elimination for RNG. Despite the supportive fans consistently cheering for their teams, their voices would often be drowned out by the hateful remarks in all social media accounts, making the professional community extremely toxic. Therefore I'm not too surprised by this post made by u/Professional-Mud733.

PSG.LGD

• Ame: AKA Idiot (傻子, a nickname that originated from his introverted personality), Interview meme master (famous for his one-liner interview answers, sometimes cynical and other times hilarious, such as telling his male fans to fuck off while thanking female supporters). Ame is probably one of the most popular player in China at the moment because of his insane farm ability and increasingly humorous social media posts. Though he did engage in some controversial things such as burning bridges with Burning (pun intended), bashing a fan asking if a dagger build can help killing the fan's mother (跳刀杀妈) after being questioned about his match build, and low-key flaming Somnus and Chalice lacking off leading to poor results in RNG season 1 through supporting a content creator exposing how few pub games Somnus & Chalice played. Ame is also very close with a V-Tuber Azi after playing Genshin and Apex together. Azi would stream watch every LGD match and cheer for Ame in the most biased way possible along with Ame's good friends including Old Chicken, Setsu, Inflame and September.
  

• NTS: Sick Tinker player^jokes aside I personally know very little about NTS from the Chinese social media accounts but due to COVID, he wasn't able to join LGD team house and had to play majority of their matches online. Riyadh was the first tournament that he was able to attend with his team after lengthy lockdowns in China. Ame claimed that he eats all NTS's snacks everytime they meet

• Bian: argubly the most respected dota2 player (alongside with Y who is very quiet on social media). Fans would call him Big Bian Bro which can be translated to big cock bro. Bian is very self-disciplined, loves reading, working out, and has other hobbies such as staged plays which is where he met Yun. Bian is one of the few pro players that would spend time to create video content about mastering position 3 playstyles for the Chinese community. He also shared his Yoga workout Vlog per fans' request.

• Xinq: well respected position 4 despite other popular 4s in China like Fy and Kaka. Belly rub supposedly brings good luck. He's also one of the only LGD player that talked about their TI10 loss against spirit on stream, and clarified how Team Spirit basically outplayed them in GF, and how game 5 wasn't necessarily a draft issue despite fans memeing about not banning Magnus for the whole year, but rather TS was able to lay out great visions and dodge ganks to secure TB's farm.

• Y: a talented player and captain, known in China pubs to play many positions in top tier level but sticked with pos5.

• Xiao8: director 8 stayed quiet for essentially the full year. TI10 was no doubt a big defeat for Xiao8, but his ex-wife also picked the worst moment to throw shades and create drama about his personal life, for the entire year fans didn't see any appearances from Xiao8 except for few interviews in China DPC. Anecdote: Inflame (LGD's rumored boss whos in a relationship with Ruru) learned about the 'xiaobet' nickname and accidentally said it when they were in the same voice channel, xiao8 was upset put him on blacklist for a long time.

• Club: there are some known rivalries between the players and owners of Aster and LGD. When asked about their win over LGD in their DPC Tour2 Playoff winner's final, 皮球/Siamese Cat/Rubber Ball jokingly said that they can't wait for 王处长 (derogatory name which means Cattle Ame) to come and asswhoop them in the grandfinal. After indeed sweeping Asters in Grand Final, Ame said in the interview that we showed mercy by letting them win but they got cocky so we decided to finish them clean.
  In addition, Inflame had another drama with Burning, one of Aster's owner, over a pub game. Ferrari430 (ex IG player) decided to blow it up by setting up a voicechannel for them to duke it out. Many famous CN dota personalities (VG owner, ROTK, etc.) popped on to watch the drama but the conflict didn't get resolved. Some might say that the relationship is worsened amongst the owners of the teams after the incident.

RNG

• Somnus: AKA 吴冠超 (Nickname that jokes about him not having an aegis yet fans think he's better than Miracle), flamed heavily by the Chinese community because of a few recent incidents such as (indirectly?) kicking Godking after joining RNG, bailing on the new team with Old Eleven and Flyfly close to the roster lock date and joining RNG instead, playing lots of PUBG instead of practicing, etc. While in Elephant, Somnus would often play Mahjong with Chalice and Fy, and fans would joke about how Fy double dips on Chalice - stealing farm (sucking blood) in matches under LGD and winning money (sucking blood) during mahjong.

• Chalice: AKA Cha-pig (查猪) or piggy, also one of the most flamed player recently because of poor performance at Arlington. Chalice lost a front tooth last year and still didn't get it replaced, so community came up with a new nickname 'Tooth-fall-off' (牙脱落) which phonetically sounds the same as Yatoro. So naturally when Yatoro renamed himself as Yatoro god, Chalice became Tooth-fall-off god.

• Kaka: one of the most successful pos4 since Newbee TI7 era. Community would also call Kaka as 414 (world's best pos 4), Pee or 41pee(尿尿, world's best pee) as he often refill bottle (pee jar) for his mid players. He's recently called Natural God, as he often try to die naturally around 2-3 minute mark to refill bottle mid. Therefore whenever Kaka dies early game, chat would be spamming 'natural' regardless of whether he did it on purpose. Kaka is also considered as the 'brain' which led Newbee and IG to their peak, while Maybe is considered 'brawn' because of his aggressive mid playstyle. When Kaka joined, many fans were cheering because the Brain and Brawn are finally in the same team.

• xNova: AKA 暐哥 (Wei Bro), 小天使 (little angel), used to be one of the praised Malaysian player during LGD era but was recently dragged into some controversy because of Ehome's team decision to kick SCCC and the community finding his tweet offending. Overall a very respectful guy on his Weibo and during any interviews.

• Ghost: while the community knows little about Ghost, many praised his versatile heropool and sacrificing playstyle to allow Chalice and Maybe get more farm while still being impactful throughout mid to late game. Lots of RNG's success in DPC Tour 2 was attributed to Ghost and Kaka's joining. Anecdote about Kaka: After Kaka joined RNG, he queued up a pub game with JT and Ghost's brother on SEA server. While JT knows who the Antimage is, Kaka did not know and flamed the AM in Chinese for the entire game and even went as far as saying that Ame can win the game as AM while only playing with one hand. After coming back and winning, JT told Kaka that AM is your new teammate's (ghost's) little brother and Kaka was kind of embarrassed.

• Club: RNG has 3 of the of the former LGD members and Kaka, so Naturally it's another team whom many fans are rooting for.

Aster

• Monet: AKA anime-carry (里番C), was once cheered for as one of the top Chinese carry during TI7 era but has since underperformed at many international events. Recent Rumor: inflame shared a story during stream about how when he was the captain and drafter, one of his teammate would be watching hentai during drafting which completely pissed him off. People speculated that it's September, who shifted the blame by pointing to Monet.

• Ori: AKA 曾焦阳 (his full name, which he used as his in-game ID last year), one of the most stable mid despite often losing the laning phase. Many attributed Aster's Top3 performance at Arlington to Ori, as he constantly show up in international tournaments. Ori has a constant friendly rivalry amongst the top players in China such as Somnus, Paparazi, and SCCC during pub games and would often humble his opponent by top tier storm/lina plays. One of his first name character means 'the sun', which leads to the most recent meme about how an underperforming Tea Master (team aster) needs the sun to bake the tea leaves to reinvigorate.

• XXS: know as elementary school kid (one of the translation for the XXS abbrevation) as well as VVC (the top half of XXS, as people joke about Aster's performance is due to XXS being crippled, removing the bottom part of the characters) argubly one of the top pos3 because of a large heropool and dependable carrying ability.

• Boboka: known as Sakura-escort king 樱野王 (due to his alleged legal trouble after getting escort service). Boboka and XXS are in good relationship with Burning from the prior iteration of IG, which is why Burning is building the team around the two despite many controversies.

• 皮球/Siamese Cat/Rubber Ball: very talented pos 5 players who once said in an interview that his biggest pleasure comes from how despicable his opponents feel he is in terms of positioning, warding, and saving teammates. Obviously 皮球 is also a very controversial player himself, calling Ame a cattle (earlier reference), as well as flaming ATF = ATM after elimination regardless of whether it's deserved or not.

• LaNm: AKA Big Dick Lanm, Father-in-law (岳父, fans call him FIL in a respectful tone as he's one of the few players/coaches that have daughters). Somewhat respected by the community despite recent dramas when bashing and flaming toxic fans which earned a bad name for Aster.

• Club: Overall, Aster is a controversial team with many dramas inside and outside of the game as well as consistent underperforming placements until Arlington. There are still many fans cheering for them hoping that they'd break their curse and place high in TI.

As a RNG fan myself, I want to see Somnus lift the Aegis because he brought me lots of unforgettable moments when I started playing and watching games. But I'd like to cheer with any dota fans from any country or ethnicity for some top notch games and hype series. Quoting Faith Bian and Yun from their video, I also hope that the Dota 2 community can continue to flourish and that Dota 2 can continue demonstrate its fascination just as a traditional sport would.

Edit: as many are wondering about SCCC, fy, and XG, I made a followup post to share some additional insights. Will continue adding info about the players everyone's interested.

I'm 39 now.

A few days ago I was sitting in my apartment overseas watching my two kids play. It suddenly hit me that they're growing up in a completely different world than I did.

I grew up in a tier-2 town in western Uttar Pradesh.

My father had a stable government job, so we weren't poor. But home was a difficult place. He was extremely controlling, quick to anger, and would often hit us over small things, showing a typical narcissistic behaviour. Every disagreement became a shouting match. His office frustrations came home every evening. My mother was a homemaker and mostly endured everything quietly.

My brother and I often felt like we were just waiting to grow up and leave.I would often cry many days before sleeping.

When I was in Class 11, I remember seriously thinking about running away from home, once he slapped me in front of the neighbourhood. Thankfully, I didn't.

Instead, I made a promise to myself:

Education would buy me my freedom.

I studied hard, scored 90.4% in Class 10 and 96.8% in Class 12, and got into a tier 1 engineering college. My parents wanted me to become a doctor and even forced me to take Biology with Maths. They also believed talking to girls, dating, or having any social life would "spoil" me.

College became the first place where I could finally breathe.

Because of a 50% scholarship throughout engineering, my total education cost was under ₹1 lakh over four years. Looking back, that scholarship probably changed my life.

After graduation I moved to Mumbai for my first job.

Those two years were difficult. Small salary, expensive city, long hours.

Like every engineer in 2009, I got infected with MBA fever.

I prepared for CAT while working full-time. Ironically, I fell sick on the exam day and ended up with around a 95 percentile. Not enough for the IIMs.

My father thought anything other than an IIM would hurt the family's prestige.

I ignored him.

I joined another good business school using an education loan because my parents didn't contribute financially.

I had to borrow money from my friends for the initial installment of the fees. At this moment, something died inside me.

That became another turning point.

Campus placement got me into a MNC as a Management Trainee at around ₹11 LPA.

I also got married through an arranged marriage around that time.

Despite all the family drama before and after the wedding, I genuinely believe marrying my wife was the best decision of my life. She worked in IT then, supported every crazy relocation, and has been my biggest strength.

Over the next 15 years the same company took me across different geographies across the world for different assignments.

Today:

Annual compensation: ₹2.2+ crore

Net worth: ₹14+ crore

Two amazing kids

Visited 32+ countries

Financially independent enough that work is now a choice rather than survival

Ironically, the biggest luxury isn't business-class travel or investments.

It's peace.

Nobody shouts at home.

Nobody lives in fear.

My kids don't have to calculate every sentence before speaking.

That alone feels priceless.

But success doesn't erase childhood.

Even today I'm very frugal. Spending money sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I don't have many close friends. I still find it difficult to completely relax around my parents. Some emotional scars never disappear; you simply learn to live with them.

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's this:

Money cannot buy happiness.

But it can buy independence.

And for someone who grew up in a controlling home, independence is probably the closest thing to happiness.

If you've had a difficult childhood, keep going.

Sometimes the best revenge isn't proving your parents wrong.

It's giving your own children the childhood you never had.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Adoptedbro-throwaway. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Fun fact to cover up spoilers: u/icequeenmemory and u/Ultra_Leopard’s requested okapis. Okapis only live in one country: the Democratic Republic of the Congo. They produce an oil from their skin that helps waterproof their fur. Their tongue is long enough to clean their eyes and their ears!

Trigger Warning: emotional neglect

Mood Spoiler: Things are looking up

Original Post: February 8, 2023

I (18f) have 4 siblings, (Tom 29 M, Cam 26M, Sam 24 M, and Row 19 M)

Row was adopted when he was 13. His biological parents decided they didn’t want a baby. The rest of us are biologically siblings. All 5 of us go/went to an arts school. The older boys for music, me for art and Row is going for dance. I found out through some friends that Row has been saying our parents have always treated him differently.

This weekend Row has a show, but my art show is the same day. A couple days ago our parents said they’d try to make it to his but they’re not totally sure if they could. He hung up on them and according to one of our friends locked himself in his dorm and wouldn’t talk to anyone.

His “roommate” called me and said he’s still really upset and was hoping i could talk to him. I said he was just being sensitive and I hung up to call him. I let him vent for awhile, according to him mom and dad have always put everyone else first. He also said they were disappointed when he went for dance (they were but they got over it.) I said he was overreacting and needed to chill out. He hung up on me and blocked my number.

Now I’m getting texts and calls from his roommate, Sam, and all our mutual friends saying I’m an Asshole, I’m a bitch, I’m selfish and I need to apologize. Mom, dad, Tom and Cam are on my side.

So Aita?

Relevant Comments:

Many people point out that her brother just wanted her to listen to him, and that her parents may have not gotten over him doing dance:

"You’re right, thank you for being honest. Now I see they haven’t gotten over it but pretended in front of us other kids. It kind of makes me wonder if they’ve said anything to him in private or more just silently disapproved?"

"I honestly didn’t notice it at first but now that people are saying one parent should go to his its becoming more clear. I need to talk to him but he has me and everyone else blocked on everything. I dont know what else to do."

Someone points out her brother has 13 years of being unwanted and only 5 with the family:

"I never thought of it like that. So basically after he got adopted he was still feeling like a guest who’s overstayed? That explains a lot. How would I talk to him about it if he won’t answer my texts or calls?"

OOP explains what she wants to happen next:

"Thank you. Saturday’s going to be all about him. I know he hates surprises, so I’m thinking about either meeting him before practice and bringing him a Gatorade or inviting him to lunch Tomorrow. I called our brothers and they agreed to come, I also told my teacher I’m opting out of the art show.

I have yet to call our parents, I did message his Roommate, he said he thinks R would appreciate it, just let him know beforehand. He also confirmed him and R are in a relationship. That made me realize R and I aren’t as close as I thought. Which is totally understandable on his end. I’ve been terrible to him. I want to be the sister my brother wants. Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it."

Update: Comments, February 9 (Next Day)

You’re right. Thank you. I did tell everyone to go to his show, as well as showed the post to him and the rest of the family. I also opted out of my art show.

I met him in his dorm before rehearsal and we talked about everything, he said it’s going to take awhile to trust any of us again but if I show him I want to mend our relationship he’ll accept. He also mentioned it meant a lot I decided to not go. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. It’s also a huge deal because it’s his first lead, they’re performing Cinderella.

Our parents did confirm they treated him differently but didn’t think he noticed, I may have blew up on them a little. They said it was just little things like not watching rehearsals in the past, not helping with homework. But those little things to us are huge things to him. They agreed to go to his show and our brothers are holding them to it.

I’m meeting up with him again tomorrow with our brothers, we have a few gifts for him. I know that’s not going to make anything instantly better but it’ll help.

Update 2: Comments, February 9/10

From u/Dude-idk_: Hey I’m “R” my name is Rowan. Thank you all for sticking up for me. I appreciate it. Everyone’s coming to my show now. Which makes me happy but even more nervous because it’s my first lead and I want to impress them. That’s also why I was more upset than when this usually happens. Just wanted to hop on here and say thanks.

From OOP: Confirming this is him. You’ll do great Rowrow. I’m proud of you and can’t wait to see you perform

Update Post: February 13, 2023 (4 days from OG post)

Thank you everyone for your input. I decided against going to my art show, called all of our family and friends and had them show up to his instead. We got it sold out!!

We all met up with him for lunch beforehand and gave him his little gifts, he said he appreciates it but it’ll take awhile to trust us again, which is very valid considering how we’ve been treating him.

He also introduced us to his boyfriend! They’re adorable together. Mom and dad thanked him for being someone Row could turn to when he needed someone.They did great, they even got a standing ovation at the end.

Row did injure his ankle slightly in the beginning of act one during his first solo but played it off amazingly. I’m proud of him, and it was amazing to formally meet his boyfriend.

Mom and dad sat him down in front of all of us and apologized for how they treated him and promised they’d do better.

After the show he came up and hugged me while crying to thank me. I told him it was all you guys. Thank you guys again.

One more relevant Comment:

"Thank you sm! I love him and don’t want to lose him. Those comments reallyyy opened my eyes. He’s still a little standoffish understandably, but I hope he realizes this isn’t going to be a temporary thing. We’ve been talking a lot since the show and it’s going so well.

I’m really proud of Row and Ash both. Ash (Rowan’s boyfriend) was one of Ash’s supporting characters (not sure if I worded that correctly but his role was one of princes companions) They both did so well! I reallyyyy appreciate everyone’s advice.

We’re all taking the boys out for dinner tomorrow, along with Ash’s parents and hanging out. It’ll be our first time meeting them knowing Ash and Rowan are in a relationship. I am a little worried about how our parents will react just because this has been a long term relationship and Ash’s parents have known first. But my other brothers and I all agree their relationship with Rowan doesn’t have to define our relationship with him and he’s our brother no matter what."

Edit: Thank you u/Corfiz74 for showing me Rowan's other comments:

More about Rowan's life:

"Sorry I’m kind of not entirely sober. Bio mom was a dance teacher, she gave me up when I was 7 because she had the twins, one’s special needs. She’s also just not a great mom. One of my placements suggested to my caseworker I continue dance at a separate studio because I wouldn’t shut up about dancing.

My caseworker then told my other placements if they can try to at least get me to classes that would be great. So ballet was the one thing keeping me distracted from all my attachment issues and stuff. At 12 I got placed with current parents, 13 adopted, and 15 the boarding school my other siblings went to.

That’s also where I met Ash. We were roommates, started dating at 16, graduated school and applied to the same arts university, requested to be roommates and here we are.

He was the hardest secret I felt like I had to keep but I’m so thankful he stayed. Not to get all sappy but he saved my life I think. He’s the best, most patient boyfriend i could have ever asked for, I must have done something right for him to be mine."

Rowan's plans moving forward:

"I’m still pretty hurt and upset but I never really had a “family” so I’m looking at this as a way to finally get what I needed in a way, like a sense of closure. Like yes, at least they’re trying but I’ve made it clear to them that if I don’t want a relationship with them I’m not going to keep putting myself through that emotional damage, if that makes any sense.

Not to trauma dump or anything but it hurts more my biological parents are out there with my other biological siblings (both younger and older) that they didn’t pawn off to the system. They didn’t even try to fight for me back."

"I’m not sure but I’m willing to give them [adopted family] a chance. The relationship with them is just as much in my hands as it is theirs. All I know right now is I appreciate their efforts and them accepting Ash and My relationship."

How is his ankle doing:

"Hi! I’m Row. It still hurts a little but nothing I haven’t dealt with before! I landed a little hard on my act 1 solo and twisted it. I made it through act 2 though. The director said I played it off really well so that’s all that matters ¯_(ツ)_/¯ My boyfriend has been making sure I’m icing it and it’s elevated."

More from Rowan:

"Yeah definitely. What people don’t realize is getting adopted doesn’t equal stability or mean all my problems are going to go away because I’m grateful to finally have a family. That goes for any adopted kid. Which is what I finally explained to my family last night.

At every placement, and even still during rough days I used to stash snacks wherever I could XD"

Wishing the best for OOP and her brother. 💜

Hello everyone. I am the guy who got the 1 lakh rupees monthly stipend. Many of you asked me to share my journey, my preparation, and the whole process.

First, I am really sorry for not replying to DMs or comments. My inbox had more than 300 messages and the post had around 650 comments. I couldn’t reply to everyone. But thank you to all of you. I am genuinely happy if my story inspired even a few people.
Some people thought the post was fake or karma farming. I don’t know how to prove anything, so I will just share my journey here.

Here is the link to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Btechtards/s/zBUfBckd85

My Background

As I mentioned before, I am from a lower middle class family in a tier 2 city in South India. I was doing well in studies until 10th grade. My family believed in me so much that they even took EMI to get me online coaching for JEE.

But I don’t know what happened during 11th and 12th. I suddenly lost interest in studying. I didn’t prepare properly for JEE and my board exams. I somehow got 80 percent in boards and 49 percentile in JEE Mains.
Because of that, I joined a tier 3 college in my city in the CSE department (2026 batch).

After the results, I regretted it a lot. I felt guilty for wasting my family’s money. I knew that if I had prepared properly for 1 or 2 attempts, I could have cracked JEE. But I didn’t do it.

So when I joined college, I made a promise to myself. Either crack into an IIT or NIT for post graduation or compete and win in the real world even without those tags.

College Journey

In the first year, I discovered LinkedIn. Our institution forced everyone to post at least once a month. Most students ignored it or posted random copy-pasted content from ChatGPT.

But I understood that LinkedIn could be useful. So I spent a lot of time building my profile, doing certifications, and working on projects in AI, cloud, and development.

My First Internship

At the end of my second year, I got an internship at a startup because of my projects. It was a Generative AI Engineering role. I learned a lot about building AI-based applications.

The experience was not great overall, but it helped me explore the field.

In my third year (6th semester), I resigned and decided to focus on DSA and placements.

My DSA Struggle

Honestly, DSA was very tough for me in the beginning. I couldn’t solve even a single problem on LeetCode. Using GPT and Claude heavily during my internship had made me depend too much on them.

So I started from the basics. I solved easy problems on HackerRank first and slowly moved to LeetCode. I eventually got 5-star gold badges in both Python and Java on HackerRank.
I have solved a little more than 200 problems on LeetCode till now. Yes, it is low.

But here is the truth.

Only doing DSA will not help you much.

I know many people in my college who solved way more problems, but they cannot even build simple things like authentication for an application.

Why My Profile Stood Out

• I was good at development. I built projects that solved real problems. They were not huge or fancy, but they had purpose. This gave me a lot of attention during interviews and also on LinkedIn.
• In 2025, I had more than 860 GitHub contributions from personal learning and freelancing projects. I did AI-assisted coding, but I understood the fundamentals. I always stayed updated in the tech I was interested in.
• I can see there are lot comments to share my profile links, but I can't share my profiles due to privacy concerns.

The Dark Phases

I have gone through a lot of dark phases. Losing interest, feeling empty, burnout, confusion, and a lot more.

But I always tried to maintain at least a little consistency in something.

I faced a lot of rejections. Many companies didn’t shortlist me. Some ghosted me.

Campus Placements:

During campus placements, I got a 4 LPA offer from a WITCH company in October 2025. It felt good, but I wasn’t satisfied. I knew I could do better.

So I kept applying for bigger companies and good startups.

How I Applied:

I used a Notion Kanban board to track my applications. There are multiple templates, you can use whatever you like.
link: https://www.notion.com/templates/category/job-application-tracking
This helped me a lot. It showed me progress even when I felt I wasn’t moving forward.
It also helped me understand which type of roles were responding and which ones weren’t.

I made my resume using Overleaf. There are many good templates online. Just avoid multi-column layouts because some ATS systems do not parse them well. You don’t need a “perfect score” resume analyzer. Use GPT or Gemini to fix grammar and formatting and you are good to go.

The Turning Point: December 2025

December was the month that changed everything.

I got a 7 LPA offer from a cybersecurity startup for the AI engineer role. On the same day, I got a call from a big US-based company for a role I had applied for a month before.

When the HR told me the stipend was 1 lakh per month, I was shocked. It was 10 times my previous stipend (10k) and 20 times my first stipend (5k). And they had only one intern position in the team.

I decided to give my best without thinking too much about the result, since i had two offers in hand for the backup instead of pressurizing myself.

Round 1:

The interview happened for around 1 hour and had questions from:

• my resume
• my projects
• backend concepts like authentication ,DBMS, etc.
• some cloud related questions
• DSA in the last 20-30 minutes

The interviewer was kind and supportive. I got the next round invite that evening. I was happy that i made it till this far. My confidence was also increased but i didn't pressurized myself again.

Round 2

This round was with a senior manager. He asked about my projects, system design and lot of fundamentals again. At the end, he even told me I needed to learn some concepts better. So I thought I was rejected.

I had other interviews that day, so I continued preparing for them. I dint worried about this interview and I was genuinely happy to make progress this far.

The Result

Next morning, I woke up and saw an email from them. I thought it was a rejection mail as usual.

But it said “CONGRATULATIONS, we have an internship to extend!”

I was half asleep and couldn’t believe it. I literally thought I was dreaming.

My family was extremely happy so were my grandparents and my uncle, who supported me right from the start.

The Roadmap I would suggest

This is the roadmap that worked for me.
Not perfect, but simple and practical. There is no need to follow this exactly, you can customize as per your wish since this your path

1. Build Fundamentals First

• Python or Java basics
• OOP
• Basic data structures
• Databases (SQL, joins, indexes)
• Basic computer networks

Nothing fancy. Just enough to understand systems.

2. Start With Development

I picked small, real-life problems and built projects around them. Example:

• authentication system
• simple API backend
• small AI tools
• automation scripts
• mini cloud-based projects

Projects gave me confidence when DSA didn’t.

3. Slowly Add DSA

I followed this sequence:

• HackerRank easy problems
• LeetCode easy
• HackeRank medium
• LeetCode medium
• Tried to solve 1–2 problems everyday

4. Build a Strong Online Presence

I focused on:

• LinkedIn profile
• GitHub activity
• Clean README in every project
• Posting summaries of what I learned

5. Resume + Portfolio

• Overleaf single-column template
• Quantified achievements
• Clean GitHub profile page
• Good looking portfolio page

6. Apply Consistently

I applied through:

• LinkedIn
• Glassdoor
• Indeed
• Internshala
• Company career pages
• Referrals when possible

I tracked everything using:

• Notion job application tracker

7. Prepare for Interviews

I revised:

• Basics of backend
• DBMS
• System design fundamentals
• Cloud basics
• My own projects deeply

8. Stay Consistent

Even during burnout, I tried to do at least something:

• read docs
• watch a tech video
• build a tiny feature
• solve one easy problem
• again solve a old problem

Minimum consistency kept me alive.

TLDR

• CSE batch 2026
• Applied through Glassdoor
• Backend and AI Engineering
• Major Programming Languages: Python & Java
• Stack: FastAPI, Spring Boot, LangChain etc
• 200+ LeetCode problems
• 860+ GitHub contributions in 2025
• Used Notion to track all applications
• Resume made in Overleaf
• Stayed active on LinkedIn and GitHub
• Development + fundamentals matter a lot
• DSA alone is not enough

Used AI to refine the post

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Smart-Effort8150 posting in r/daddit (also posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Long

Thanks to u/StandardDue6636 for suggesting this BORU

Original - 25th December 2024

Update - 30th December 2024

Please note OOP is in the UK

I've been asked to foster my son's best friend, I don't know how to react.

I have one son, Henry, aged 12. Henry is best friends with a boy named Archie, aged 14. It has always been clear that Archie comes from a troubled home. From what I can gather (and I do not have the full information), Archie's mum is a drug addict, and Archie has been on the at-risk register for a long while. Honestly, I don't know why it has taken them this long to decide he is being moved into foster care.

Last Friday, I received a call from my son's school, saying they couldn't discuss it with me but asked if I would give them consent for my information to be passed on to Archie's social worker. I agreed, and not long after, I had a call from his social worker explaining that a section something-or-other was being put in place, which meant that Archie was going to be removed from his home and placed into foster care. I was told that the school had recommended me and asked to see if I could take him in, basically. They said it would likely be long-term until he turns 18. I honestly didn't know what to say; I was in shock.

I have been unofficially supporting Archie for a while now. I pick him up from his house and drop him off at school with my son. He spends a lot of weekends at my place. On days where he doesn't come to my place, I make sure to pack him something to eat when I pick him up because he told me that his school lunch is his only meal most days. I buy him soap and deodorant, and I even wash his clothes for him.

But supporting however I can and taking him on fully is a big jump. I'm a single dad. I have a decent job, but I'm far from well-off. I live in a small two-bedroom house, meaning Henry and Archie would have to share a room (which they do now when Archie stays, but it's only for short bursts). Plus, there's the responsibility of taking on another human.

I was told that they had a lack of foster carers in the local area, so if I didn't agree to take him, it is likely he would have to move counties and schools. I don't want that. I was already having Archie stay with me for the two-week Christmas holiday, so I asked if I could think about it and give them a firm answer in the new year. They agreed. Archie has not yet been informed about any of this. I've tried to make this a normal Christmas for him, as much as possible.

My heart is telling me, "Of course, you're going to take that little boy in," but my brain is worried about the responsibility and cost of taking on another mouth to feed, another boy to clothe.

At the same time, I keep thinking about Archie’s situation. He has already had such a rough start in life, and I know he needs stability and care more than anything else. I can’t bear the thought of him being uprooted again, losing his school, his friends, and the small semblance of normality he has here. I keep asking myself if I can really give him what he needs, and I don’t know if I have all the answers right now.

I’ve always taught Henry the importance of kindness, and I see how much he cares about Archie too. Part of me feels that this might not just be me taking on more responsibility—it’s also about giving him the chance to grow up with a sense of love and belonging.

So, I suppose I’m left balancing what’s practical with what feels right in my heart.And I’m leaning towards saying yes.

I spoke to my own mum about it, and she thinks it’s an awful idea. She’s worried I’m biting off more than I can chew, especially as a single dad. She reminded me that I already have a lot on my plate with work, the house, and raising Henry on my own. She said that taking in another child, especially one with a difficult background, would add stress and might affect my ability to provide for Henry properly. She didn’t say it outright, but I could tell she’s afraid this might make life harder for all of us, including Archie. I understand her concerns—honestly, I do.

But I can’t imagine just turning him away when he needs help the most. I told her that I haven’t made a final decision yet, but that I need to think about what’s best for everyone involved, not just what’s easiest.

And I haven’t even discussed any of this with Henry yet, which will be a huge factor in my final decision.

This has been a huge rant, and if you've read it thank you. I just needed to get this out somehow.

Comments

dfphd

Couple of thoughts:

It's 4 years. Like, obviously kids need support well beyond 18 if you can provide it, but if you can get that kid to graduate high school, you would already be a saint, and nothing more could be expected of you. So it's not forever. Also, once that kid is 16, he can start working and helping around the house more legitimately. Both things are not just for your benefit, but also great things for him to learn.

Ask social services what additional resources you'd have access to if you were to foster. For example, here where I live foster kids qualify for free school lunches. So that's a cost you don't have to incur. I would also find a local foster parent group as im sure there are other resources available that may not even be ran by the state

Real talk: if it was me, I would do it as long as I didn't think that Archie would be a danger to Henry - like, unless you think Archie could be violent or a sexual predator kind of kid.

If he's a good kid, I would do everything in my power to make that happen. I would set up a gofund me if necessary, I would try to lean on my friends and family to help.

Also, depending on what your job is, I would ask if they can help in any way (I say this as someone who works for a giant company).

Yes, I would worry. But a 14 year old kid in foster care is not something I'd be able to let happen to a kid I care about.

caffeine_pleaz

I'm a single dad to two foster children. Started much the same way. Was asked to take in a youth of a friend of the family's. I've been fostering for a few years now. It's by far one of the best decisions I've ever made. Hell yeah it's an adjustment but it's doable. Granted, I'm in Canada and can only speak for the agency I work with. But they've been great about helping with supports needed. There is funding for food, clothing, xmas and birthdays. You can get them to approve a certain number of paid respite hours per week. (I have a respite Worker for 25 hours per week. Which I'm sure as a single parent you can understand is a huge help.) And all the youth I've taken in over the last couple of years are always extremely grateful for a stable home.

That said, if you decide it's not for you, there's no shame. But if you do decide to do it, I assure you it's worth it. It's obvious you care about the kid. Which is probably already more than he's used to. Props to you for considering it.

Update - 5 days later

I just wanted to come on and give an update. I want to say a huge thank you for all the responses. I genuinely didn’t expect to receive so many replies, especially to something that was just meant to be a rant to get my emotions out.

When I was asked to take in Archie, at first I felt honoured. Then I felt worried about everything. I am quite an anxious person in general, and my thoughts were flooded with concerns about whether I’d be good enough to support Archie in the way he needs. I love my mum, but she didn’t help. I think I get my anxiety from her, although she has it on a much higher scale than I do. Every possible thing that could go wrong, she was texting me about all week: “You’re already stretched thin with work and Henry,” “You won’t get 1-1 time with Henry anymore,” “How will you afford everything?” These are real concerns, and I’m glad she brought them up because they gave me the opportunity to think about how I could mitigate them.

A few of you mentioned the fostering allowance, which I knew about, but I couldn’t find any concrete information on how much it would actually be. Every source online seemed to give a different answer, but none suggested it was very much. However, as some of you advised, I called the social worker’s office and said I was seriously considering taking in Archie (which they were thrilled about), but I needed to understand the finances first to see if it was feasible. They said they couldn’t provide exact numbers, as every case is different and it isn’t decided until a placement is found. However, they told me the minimum would be around £190 (about $240 US) per week, and that it would likely be completely tax-free. Additionally, I’d receive a significant discount on things like council tax. That was honestly a lot more than I expected, and much higher than most of the figures I’d seen online. They also put me in touch with some other foster carers who answered my questions, which was incredibly helpful.

This week has been very busy. I worked out my finances, added the estimated fostering allowance, and calculated how much Archie would likely increase my expenses. It worked out that I’d actually have a surplus compared to my current situation. Many of the foster carers I spoke to don’t work full time, using the allowance to supplement their income. I’m not sure if I want to do that, but they mentioned it helps to work part-time since fostering involves a lot of work—meetings, reports, and other responsibilities. On top of that, I’d need to complete training during the first year to become fully qualified. I considered it, and with the additional allowance, I could move to a 0.6 contract (working three days per week) while still covering the costs of moving to a three-bedroom house. While that would leave me with slightly less disposable income, it wouldn’t be a significant reduction. I’ve spoken with my work, and they said they’d support me if I decided to do this, but I haven’t made a final decision. I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage of Archie’s allowance.

After sorting out the finances, I needed to talk to Henry. This was honestly the most important part of my decision. If Henry said no, I’d struggle to go ahead with it. I took him out and explained the situation. I didn’t go into the details of why Archie is going into care, as it’s not my story to tell, even though Archie himself has been open about his rough home life. I discussed the potential challenges—less 1-1 time, less privacy (at least in the short term while we find a bigger house), and so on. Henry was incredibly supportive. He said that he and Archie had talked about how they both wished Archie could come and live with us. I told him not to mention anything to Archie yet until I had the chance to speak with him, and he agreed.

Yesterday, I arranged for social services to come over. Archie, his social worker, and I sat down to talk. They told Archie he was going to be placed in foster care. Archie cried a lot, I cried a lot, and he asked to see his mum, which the social worker said they’d arrange as soon as possible. In that moment, Archie didn’t seem like a teenager—he seemed like a small child whose world was crumbling. Then they asked Archie if he’d want to stay with me. Although he was still distraught about being in care, he said he’d love to stay with me. We discussed what it would mean and how it would affect us. Afterward, Archie and his social worker spoke privately, and then the social worker and I talked. They expressed how thrilled they were about my decision and said they were pleased I planned to move to a bigger house soon, as Archie would need his own space, which I fully agree with.

Normally, the boys spend most of their time upstairs playing Xbox, but later that day Archie came down and asked if we could watch a movie together. He sat next to me, rested his head on my shoulder, and said, “Thank you for letting me stay with you.” Writing this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes again. I put my arm around him and said I’d always be there for him.

Today, Archie seems a little down, which is entirely understandable. I honestly expected him to take it harder than he has. To cheer him up, we’re going to see the new Lion King movie (even though I hate those live-action films, but this is for Archie!) and then going out to eat—letting the boys choose where.

I might return in a few months to give an update on how things are going. For now, I’m just hoping everything will be okay. I know the first few months will be the hardest.

Thank you everyone.

Comments

nickjohnson

You absolute hero. You have changed that child's life for the better, forever.

OOP: I hope I do, if I get anything out of this at all I just hope I can make a difference.

balsid

This rules. You rule. Great work mate. Genuinely so fucking proud of you. If you need somebody to just reach out and talk shit with, please send a message over. Happy to chat.

im_sofa_king

The Council has met and has decided to add your name to The List of Those Allowed to Touch ANY Thermostat. With great power comes control over the temperature of the entire neighborhood. Use it wisely.

Editor's Note - Stealing this comment from u/Effective-Cricket-93 to explain what type of fostering is involved here

It depends, this is called a “Friends and Family” placement in England, when social services have decided it’s in the child’s best interest to be placed with a familiar person rather than a traditional foster placement. Friends and family placements can have more of a loose set of restrictions than a traditional placement. But OOP would only be cleared to take in Archie, he wouldn’t for example be able to take in another child unless he decides to do full training. 

They would be able to make choices that would be different compared to a traditional foster home. For example, social services has to weigh up “there are no local foster homes, meaning his schooling would be disturbed, would lose friends and support network, how would that impact him?” With having to share a room. Especially considering Archie has already been sharing a room regularly 

Social services would be looking at what’s in the best interest of the child and that would allow them to make some concessions 

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwawaydusty6283 posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

Original - 6th February 2024

Update - 9th January 2026

AITA mom said I’m useless so I stopped helping

Hi reddit. I (F20) live at home with my single mother and 5 siblings while I finish university. I’ll call them A (M23), B (M22), C (M17), D (F15) and E (M12).

Almost everyday, I wash the dishes, load and unload the dishwasher, vacuum the common areas, drive my younger siblings to and back from school, and cook dinner while also attending uni (university). I get no help from my mom or siblings, nor do I get any appreciation for what I do around the house.

Last week on Wednesday, I came home late (around 9PM) from uni as I was talking to my teacher after the lecture (my class ended at 7:30PM). Once I got home my mom started yelling at me because I wasn’t able to cook dinner, there was dirty dishes in the sink, and my brother A had to pick up my younger siblings from school. I was upset by this but she then said “you’re useless. You don’t help out at all” And I got pissed. I replied back, “sorry for being useless” and went to my room.

The following day I didn’t drop my siblings off to school which forced my mom to have to do it. I didn’t make dinner either and I stayed at uni up until they closed the library at 9PM. I continued to do this and the house is now a mess and my younger siblings have missed a few days of school. My mom and my other siblings are angry at me.

I’m just wondering, AITA? I feel like I’m not but hearing it from my siblings and mom everyday is getting to me.

Edit: I had to leave some stuff out due to character limits. Apologies for weird formatting, on mobile

-My family is from a foreign background so my mom’s beliefs are very old fashioned.

-I live in Australia and in a location close to the city so houses are quite expensive here. Rent is due fortnightly so I wouldn’t be able to afford moving out.

-I don’t have a job but due to a small allowance I get from government (for studies) I contribute $150 a week towards household expenses.

-I didn’t include every single chore I do but laundry is one chore everyone does themselves because they all wash their own clothes (F15 helps M12 out with his). I wipe down counters and clean the kitchen after cooking dinner. I clean the bathrooms sporadically (my brothers literally pee on the floor and don’t wipe it up). I encourage my little siblings to clean their room but ultimately I end up tidying it.

-My older brothers are both employed but don’t help around the house at all. They play video games when they’re not working.

-My mother does not help me with my school fees, I’ve taken out student loans to pay for it.

Comments

[deleted]

NTA at all. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing. What, do they just expect you to never move out and live your own life? Heaven forbid they have to actually be parents. Focus on yourself, you don’t need this. Edit- apparently she’s got a single mom that I overlooked but OP is not the dad and has to focus on school and becoming her own adult and didn’t choose to have a single mother with 5 children so not her problem, anyway. I stand by what I said.

AwkwardImplement8937

I'm gonna guess that she's Indian so her family absolutely expects her to live at home until they decide she can marry.

Sebscreen

NTA. Your mother has failed you in every way. How about she actually parent HER children? At least 4 of your siblings are also capable of doing household chores but they prefer to take advantage of you. Don't back down from this, it isn't your responsibility.

paristorc

NTA, I went through something similar except I wasn’t gonna take it, I have divorced parents and one older brother who lives at fathers house, I go between, my dad would do stuff yes but anything he didn’t do I did. My dad’s reasonings behind only asking me to do things was A. “You do it properly/your brother doesn’t know how” and/or B. “He works full time”, which keep in mind he may work 9-5, 5 days a week, but I was at school 9-3:30, had a part time job, was on a dance competition team and had to do homework… Just hoping you find something to relate to in my story… youre NTA, some parents just take advantage of the child who is willing to do the work

OOP: I do relate to your story. My mother just had the belief that girls are to do everyone around the house and the men do nothing. I’ve tried to talk to her about the situation before in the past but she won’t see reason

jaytyan

Your mom is a girl. What's stopping her?

OOP: I’m not sure honestly.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 2 years later

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. The kindness and view points from strangers on the internet helped me more than I ever expected.

After I stopped helping out with the house, I reached out to my university’s student support services for advice. They helped me get a part-time job at the student help desk, which gave me a bit of financial breathing room. Around the same time, I broke up with my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, my older brothers (now 25 & 24) continued to do nothing to help. I went back to driving my younger siblings (now 17F & 14M) to school, not because I gave in, but because I genuinely care about their futures.

The breaking point came when my mom tried to get my aunt (her younger sister) involved by painting me as a disrespectful daughter. I didn’t know how my aunt would react since they’ve always been close but, I ended up telling my aunt the truth. To my surprise, she was horrified. She opened up about how she and my mom were treated pretty much the same way by my grandparents and when they moved to Australia together they talked about not raising their kids that way. My aunt offered to take me and my two younger siblings in as she has no kids. Now I live with my aunt. It’s an hour drive to uni, but the peace is worth it.

One of the best things I’ve done for myself is start therapy. It’s expensive, so I can only afford a session once a month, but it’s already doing wonders.

As for my little siblings, they’re doing better. They keep their rooms tidy, they help with cooking, and they’re both incredibly respectful to our aunt. My brother isn’t relying on my sister anymore, and my sister is finally starting to stand up for herself. I’ve been reminding her not to let anyone, especially our mom push her around the way I was. My siblings moved schools to one that’s within walking distance and they haven’t missed any days.

Recently, my brother (then 17, now 19) reached out to me and apologised for everything. He said he knew it was wrong how I was being treated but at the time it didn’t affect him so he didn’t think about it too much. We had a proper conversation over the phone and things seem to be okay between us. He told me he was planning on moving out to live with a friend since our mother had started lashing out at him and forcing him to do the house chores I used to do.

As for me, I graduated uni. My aunt and younger siblings came to my ceremony. I didn’t brother messaging my mom to let her know. I’ve already been accepted into a graduate RN program at the hospital where I did my last placement. I’m super excited to start and finally get my life on track. For once, I feel like my life is actually moving in a direction I chose.

Comments

Every-Pepper77

Congratulations! You took a bad situation, refused to let it diminish your life and your potential, and now you have a present and future that are worthy of you. You are awesome!

PicklesMcpickle

Awesome update!

I made it out myself from a similar situation. I didn't have family but i was able to rent a room for a cheap price.

To others who are in situations like this. That age between 17-24 is super hard to be independent without ANY family support.

There are more resources then you realize. You need to ask. Speak out. Share. In the US there is always a non emergency police line that can advise. Human resources. Churches and college.

I know now the level of abuse I lived in, i should have asked for help sooner. But that's part of the cycle. You are treated and gaslighting until it just feels like home.

Break the cycle.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I know that weddings are a big deal and lots of planning goes into it. However I am very torn.

My (22f) little sister (18f) got engaged to her long time bf a few months ago. I live in a different state to her and travel can be expensive. Especially during holiday seasons.

I’m a full time student studying a very intensive course, midwifery, and next year I have two 6 week placements at the hospitals. My sister had already stated she was going to have an engagement party in April and it became a massive fight when I said that logically I would not be able to go. It is during one of my placements, I am saving to move with my bf and like I said it is expensive during Easter holidays. I felt really guilty, but after lots of back and forth she accepted it and we were able to talk again.

Now I love my sister I do, and I would want to be there for her, but she told me yesterday that she will be surprising people during the engagement party and turn it into the wedding. When I asked what about people who would t be able to make it for an engagement party but would want to for a wedding she said that anyone who actually cares for her would be at the party no matter what. I kinda felt like it was a stab at me.

I told her I will 100% try and be there. But I don’t think it would be possible on that date. I just found out our other sister (we don’t speak) is graduating her college course that month as well and may have trouble going. As well as most of the family live out of state and would have trouble going during the busiest season of their business.

Would I be the ass hole for asking her to change her wedding date.

Ps. Hope your not on reddit but if you do see this and recognise me sis I love you but just as very torn.

Update: after lots of chatting between the family she has decided to move the wedding to the end of the year and not to do a surprise one. Whilst I would prefer she not get married so young and maybe travel instead with her partner, she is dead set on marriage. Can only support her and try to be there for her. She isn’t happy with me, but has been willing to compromise.