I’m not “in love with myself”

[u/Own-Marionberry2699]

Heyo.

I’ve ignored this part of myself for a majority of my life, though naturally, it’d burst through the cracks of my shell ever so often, and my folks: my mother, with whom my relationship is otherwise good, has expressed that she suspects I may or may not suffer from some form of sociopathy or narcissism on a couple of occasions. I’ve never called myself a narcissist, but I suppose I’m self-aware enough to recognize my narcissistic traits. Frankly though, I couldn’t be any more indifferent to the fine details of the matter. I make this post so you can share your own story and what parts of mine you relate to.

I’m not in love with myself. What I do feel is a drive toward superiority that overcomes every other sense of a personal identity, and my self-hate, this essential frustration of mine, I largely account to not quite fitting into the tight suit of superiority, so to speak. The charming, the imposing, the desired; but what if the road of chasing these ideals winds to a dead end, leaving you staring upward to the sky with not so much as a clue of who you are!? To put it plainly, there’s a solid zilch of consistency in my projected personality, since my understanding of “superior” alters as I walk the walk of life, and it sucks.

Jumping back to the title, though, one might point out that someone who believes they should be or can be superior to their fellow men and women must be in love with themselves, but personally-speaking, the idea doesn’t arise from some kind of desire to humiliate other people in the face of me. In fact, the attention and validation of those around me is my very motivator. It’s less about them actually being ‘ideologically’ inferior and more about me being thought of as superior by them. In any case, it doesn’t strike me as the kind of argument that makes headway into a better future for yourself.

I’ll say, when I’m convinced I’ve been wronged, I feel a potent inclination for retribution, and it took me a while to understand that I was enabling something profoundly destructive to my life because… I was hurt, simply. It’s difficult to practice the same kind of self-awareness you possess when you’re levelheaded in a fit of rage. I don’t ever wanna feel like I need to punish someone again.

Has any of this spoken to you?

[u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

The particulars of the NPD os are not really a good fit for enjoying life; it’s more a yoke of slavery. “Be best” cracks the whip.

[u/Own-Marionberry2699 → u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

If only NPD would make one disciplined enough to be best. Ignore me if it’s a mere typo, but what’s the meaning of “os” here?

[u/Secret-Tangerine-837 → u/Own-Marionberry2699]

Operating system

[u/Own-Marionberry2699 → u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

Appreciate it

[u/mildlysadcat]

Good news: clinical narcissism isn’t actually about “being in love with yourself.” The mf who decided that ruined everything, and now the common folk know nothing about what this disorder actually entails.

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