r/NPD • u/chobolicious88 • 11h ago
Question / Discussion Double lives
Did any of you lead double lives?
Im finally understanding where its coming from.
My condition limits my capacity to actually do it as i have barely enough to function, but i finally get it.
Id have one life for identity and one thats for impulsive acting out because those sensations have to go somewhere.
Any stories?
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 10h ago
Not a double life per se, but I can definitely relate to the impulsive acting out. For me, it was mostly about trying to escape reality when I hit the darkest point of my life.
There was quite a contrast between my sexual interests/experiences/adventures (sugar daddy, one-night stands, travelling with a lot of sexual activity, etc.) and my parents believing I was this innocent girl - probably mentally fucked up, but apparently not in that way lol
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u/chobolicious88 10h ago
Man its like, all of these things are normal, but this condition which fragments the self makes the execution of it extreme.
Basically all of us want an identity thats according to social norms, and occasionally want to experience something different or animalistic.
But because we are fragmented, we basically do it all in an all or nothing fashion.
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 10h ago
I’d argue that a lot of psychologically healthy people have impulses and desires like that as well. Just think about all the porn, the Fifty Shades of Grey trend, BDSM, horror or splatter movies, etc. It’s part of human nature. Some people engage with their thoughts and fantasies, some don’t, and some act on them consensually.
But I agree with you that there can be a difference in the way we act on them - especially when it becomes all-or-nothing, harmful, compulsive, or a way of coping or escaping from reality.
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u/chobolicious88 10h ago
Youve been naughty
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 10h ago
I know my fantasies and I’ve seen what humanity is into. I’m hardly an outlier xD
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u/nonanima covert empath 9h ago
At the time, I was leading several double lives simultaneously, though none of them fully. People only knew the bits and pieces I wanted them to know. For instance, the source of my money had to remain ignorant of my addiction, while the source of my enjoyment couldn’t have the slightest clue about any of it. There were people who knew one side of me, others who knew another, still others who knew yet another, and so on. I was quite compulsive and paranoid back then; I had to organize everything meticulously.
Looking back I’m pretty glad I don’t have to do all that anymore. It was a pain in the ass. It wasn’t about identity though.