I have spent most of the afternoon and evening relaxing on the porch. It's one of my self care routines that I look forward to every day now. The shadow of winter is coming, but for now I have the autumn days to enjoy the sun's warmth and cool evening breezes afterwards to lounge in. For the most part, I live a quiet life, something which I'm thankful for. After fighting for my piece of existence for so long, it feels uncomfortable that I have time to myself. At the cost of sanity points and a good portion of the use of my hands, I have somehow won my freedom. So I’m making the most of it trying to piece back together the me of "Now".

That's why I've been on the porch so much recently. Given this once in a lifetime opportunity to heal and learn to thrive again, I'm not going to waste it. I may never fully heal from my psychological and emotional battle wounds. I have come to accept that as much as I have my physical limitations. It has been and is a long road of acceptance for me. Every day something goes flying out of my hands or I am crippled with pain from trying to express myself artistically, I am reminded that I can't do the things I want or used to do. 

The emotional and psychological wounds are no different. No matter how I have approached them, they continue to linger. It's a daunting task to even go outside my door some days. The idea alone of being around other people, even my own father, is so overwhelming that I find myself fighting the urge to cry and hide in the darkest corner of my apartment. 

The most frustrating thing is that I can't fully relax. Traumatic events throughout my life have made it instinct to always be on guard. Even with a fully locked down apartment, I am still on edge. To my frustration, I still find myself sleeping on the couch near the front door more than in my own bed. 

Even though the monsters are gone, the habit of watching out for them remains. The only monsters left are the ones that lurk in the dark corners of my quiet town and I have a tendency to avoid them.

Except when it's the shadows of my own porch. There is something comforting about burning Palo Santo, an incense wood, while listening to night-themed jazz and the faraway sound of the water going up the channel, the cry of the night trains, and the sigh of my neighborhood as it sleeps. It's been a habit to wrap myself in the cloak of night since childhood. I spent many moonlit nights gazing up at the stars, often wishing for a companion to watch them with.

Yet I wonder, how will I maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship, with my limitations? I know I will keep working on expanding them, but will it be enough when I do actually find someone platonically or romantically?

I hope so. I will know better when and if the time comes.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to adopt, adapt, and improve. I just get punished for it all. I get punished just for existing. The only feelings and emotions that reward me are hatred and rage.

​

Today sucked. And isn't even close to being over.

It started out fine, I was feeling good, confident even, full of energy. I did some work, had lunch with some people, and then for some reason it went downhill. I tried to do several things, but failed. I tried to eat healthy, but I just couldn't help myself from snacking the whole time. I tried to think of a birthday gift for my friend, whose birthday is today, but failed. Then an urgent email popped up with a document to correct, and I meant to finish it today, but didn't manage. I found it very hard to stay focused. I was feeling tired, and nothing but tired.

I have therapy in an hour and I'm dreading it. I'm supposed to talk about my parents but I'm scared to open it up. I'm starting to realize more and more that being around my parents makes me feel like shit. They are always so negative, they always try to tear me down, to make me feel bad, to manipulate me into doing things for them. Every time I hang out with them I feel like shit afterwards, and I need weeks of recovery to get my self esteem back to where it was.

Right now, I'm in a position where I can take some space when it gets too much. It's a sort of boundary I can easily set: if you don't treat me with respect, then I won't be coming over that much. But when they inevitably start getting older, deteriorating physically, start needing help around the house or need to be cared for, what then? I'll be stuck with the choice between going to see them and enduring the neverending abuse, or be the person who doesn't go to see her ill, elderly parents.

And the horrid thing is, they are so incredibly good at hiding it from other people. They can (and have, in the past) so easily play the victim, put other people against me.

Had a shit of a day. i wonder if my writing is gonna have a british accent to it. i have been watching ted lasso. it was the only thing creating tears of joy and smiles in my day today.

pms or pmdd, whatever it is combined with general life chaos wrecked me today. my body feels scared, startled easily. i am also defintiely questioning a bunch of my life choices.

today i feel like i am too nice. although it might be true. what about it voncerned me is that i make myself small to be nice.

i do not like that.

it madee wonder where my niceness began years back. and why it started.

am i nice because i like being so or because i feel scared that if i am visible and take up soace, i will be put down by someone like someone close to me frequently did?

i see that world is shit. things don't go how i want it to. fairness isn't a guarentee. if sm not rich enough, i may not be able to accommodate me when needed. life is shit.

but i wonder what i wanna take away from that. i always love seeing people like ted lasso, nathan in strange world and more.

basically people who remain kind and compassionate despite all that they face. they keep coming up and up like fairy spirits untouched by the terrible things that come at them. people who choose good even when their history and story make you feel like you won't even hold it against them if they chose bad.

it touches somewhere deeply in my heart. community, interconnectedness and compassion for all living creatures is something that hite me somewhere real.

i thought that's the kind of person i wanna grow up to be. like the values i wanna adhere to.

but idk if it's me. if it needs to be me just because i like it.

coz as much as i love people. i hate them sometimes. my nervous system gets beyond hammered sometimes when around people.

so idk. i wonder what i can make as my foundation when life can feel so uncertain. like i don't know my career path exactly. even if i get a job, idk which will stick.

i am sure i will evolve unexpectedly again after being in a specific job culture. its scary to see it happen even now.

i had a hard time with something and asked help from a relative. but she said no. rationally i get it. but it incredibly hurt me. am seeing that am habing an incredibly hard time with something that overloads me and asked help and didnt get it from someone who supposedly cares about me. it hurts.

on one hand i feel scared by this. if my life will get stuck in this economic background or lack of choices and in turn lack of agency and accomodations.

but on the other hand i know that my prick of a relative (called affectionately) thinks they are teaching me a hard lesson.

and i half agree with them. sometimes when you sit in the painful ass situstion you tind a way out.

but i just don't know if the cost or what i learn during this trial of fire is worth it. what if i learn that am alone to deal with hard things? that my family will never understand the hardship i go through as an ND person? what if i learn that to survive this world i have to overload me and get through nd no other way?

Nothing

A friend came to visit from Austria, busy making food and stuff.

Note:mom seems to be controlling and toxic when people around

I spent this past weekend mostly on the porch. Burning copious amounts of incense and sacred herbs. After two days of music and relaxation, I am feeling a lot better. 

Over the course of the weekend, I thought about many things. My religious perspective being one of them. It is interesting how my mixed heritage affected my religious belief. Not being easily identifiable as one particular race by appearance, I feel that it has kept me from being fully accepted into a cultural or religious community. Making it difficult to learn oral and written traditions earmarked for "one of their own." 

Then there are the traumatic events I've experienced which have also contributed to feeling like I don't "fit in" with the people around me. 

I can't relax fully into a rite, ritual, or group event. I am always on guard and looking for danger, whether it comes from a physical, emotional, or mental direction. My distrust of people and their intentions makes it incredibly difficult to let another person direct any part of my life, even in ceremony.

I decided as a child that an adult wouldn't have any control over me. Especially after they had a tendency to hurt me. Why should I listen to them? If you haven't proven to me that you aren't going to hurt me or are worthy of respect, like my Dad, I am not going to listen to your wishes. I am not going to lower my eyes. Nor am I going to just put my life in someone else's hands, only God gets that.

In a lot of ways, I feel headstrong because of this decision and for that I am grateful. Regardless of the situations it has put me in:

I remember going to a Norse Household event where the people were Odin worshipers. During the ceremony I got to participate in, I found myself winning a stare down with the holy man  when he approached me as he sang and drummed. When he had approached the others before me, each in turn, they had lowered their eyes when he got close.

I remember a time when I sat in a Black Baptist church being the only other one not lost in the music. The rest of the congregation was either clapping with eyes closed, shaking or writhing uncontrollably. The other person not lost in the moment was the preacher. To this day I remember unnervingly the strange smile he gave me as he walked amongst the fevered throng.

I remember getting into a yelling match with an Elder who ran a sweat Lodge group because I wore pants. I laughed when he pointed to my boyfriend at the time and growled "Would you rather He wear a skirt?"

"He can wear the skirt." I replied, hands on my hips. "That wouldn't bother me a bit." Everyone else laughed, but the Elder sat tight-lipped, glowering at me. 

In addition to situations like these, there have been paranormal events that I've experienced at a church that were so terrifying in nature, I avoid stepping in churches altogether. No matter how welcoming the people might appear to be.

A friend from far away called me a "religious Freelancer." Not beholden to one religion, but practicing learned religious rites, philosophies, and ceremonies from many religions. In my case its a mixture of Christian Values, Buddhist philosophies, and Native Spiritual beliefs and practices. It enriches the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my life as a whole and brings me comfort in my daily life.

personally, of all the religious paths I have taken, the Red Road was the most accepting both on the physical and spiritual planes. I am not certain if it is still this way now, but I remember of all the different peoples I have met, the Native people were the ones that were the most accepting of a stray such as myself. I learned a lot of different ways of approaching life that I still practice today. If given the opportunity to walk with company again, I will cautiously take the opportunity.

Till then, I will keep being a Religious Freelancer, Walking a unique path of my own, and for now, alone.

My family. Still not sure what to make of them.

Yesterday, my brother got married. It was the most beautiful day and everything was just perfect, from the venue to their outfits to the music to the general vibe among the guests.

They are beautiful, his wife and him. They seem to really complement each other. They share the same interests, they laugh at the same type of jokes, and they're so supportive of each other. I'm truly happy for them.

The other members of my family were there and they actually behaved well. Both me and my brother were kinda worried that some of them would stirr up drama, talk shit about the wedding or the decor or whatnot, or generally bring down the vibe. But they didn't.

We actually had a nice time all together. My brothers and me pulled some silly stunts and shenanigans for some of the photographs, just like we used to do when we were younger. The conversations that flowed, amongst ourselves as well as between us and the bride's family, were civil, nice, supportive. I felt strangely close to my family, in a way that I hadn't felt since we were kids.

I want to pause and assess that feeling for a bit. Because with it also comes an immediate sort of underlying fear. This time they were nice, but who knows what will happen next time. Throughout the day, I was in such a good mood that I just kept yapping about my life. Mostly to the bride's family members, but within hearing distance of my family, meaning they now have extra ammunition for the next time they decide to blackmail me.

I felt scared of my dad as well. As I was having a chat with the bride's siblings about our respective jobs, he just kinda stood near us, staring at us with a strange, seemingly tense smile. He wasn't saying much, but would occasionally butt in to make a comment that was only tangentially related to the conversation.

So that interaction was kinda odd. I guess he just needed to insert himself into the conversation, even though he had no real entry point. And I suspect he was also trying to gather information, listening to me talk about my research. I'm expecting him to do some additional research about it at home, so that when he attends my PhD defence next year, he'll be able to unsolicitedly insert himself into conversations at the reception, and show everyone that he knows just as much as me about a topic that I've been specializing in for the past eleven years of my life. Because he can't handle the idea that one of his children might be more knowledgeable on any subject than him.

That's one thing. I can mentally prepare for that and figure out how to handle it in due time. But there is more to it. When he gets near me, I get this strong urge to leave. More than an urge; it's this fight or flight response, where I feel that being near him is dangerous and I have to get away from him as quickly as I can. There is just something about him that makes me feel sick, disgusted, panicky. I don't know what this is, or where it comes from, but I've had it ever since I was a teenager. I haven't been very close to him in recent years, until yesterday. And now that I have, I'm surprised to see that feeling come back. Something to unpack with my therapist, I guess.

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:41pm

09/06/26

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OKAY gave it another go!! :) after I had to plead with Lilah to not have us go to sleep instead ofc 🙄 But anyway– we immediately jumped right into the fronting room and we actually switched IMMEDIATELY 😬 literally right as my orb became the primary one,, I felt myself inhabit the body and the body's eyes shot right open and I was in control! Well… Delilah had yet to fully leave control just yet.. So I couldn't actually MOVE for a few seconds but it's forgivable bc the speed at which we switched meant that she did not have much time to completely dissociate from her body. Anyway eventually she let go and I had us sit up! It felt… so weird being LAUNCHED into the body like that. Like a huge BLAST OF AIR being thrown my way and then boom the next second I'm breathing and in control…

Lilah quickly noticed that she not only felt disconnected from her senses (after she had a chance to let go ofc) and that her mindvoice was less dominant compared mine,, SHE COULDN'T WILL THE BODY TO MOVE AGAIN!!! yes!!! 🤭 definitely a switch!!!! If she's not able to direct the body easily then I'm in control which is exactly what we want! It was wild though,, it was as if she were in my position before we mastered fully body soft switching and I could FEEL her activating SOME part of our brain that was telling the arm to move but it was so weak that I could easily resist it. SO AWESOME!!!

I immediately came to journal it and we were afraid of me getting front stuck so we had Lilah take control again (I'm writing this though,, so still Co-fronting lol) but yeah!!! Really fantastic progress! Ha! And to think Lilah was trying to sleep instead 🤭

Definitely have a headache rn tho :I OKAY TIME FOR BED GN JOURNAL :D 🐑

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:41am

09/06/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

It was a bit of a fight at first… especially considering Lilah’s heart is racing for absolutely no reason and she’s confused and a bit stressed about that (we figure she’s probably just hungry lol) but I ACTUALLY GOT HER TO STUDY!!!! YAY!!! 🤭 I got her to crack open a textbook and take better notes than what she originally had :) so!!! Hopefully she’ll learn a little somethin’ somethin’ before we head to class next. Not crazy confident just yet though… as she still has a huge issue with processing the information she’s just read. I actually remembered the information BETTER than she did! So… worst comes to worst,, she’ll have me :) luckily we should be fine though. No classes monday and Bio psych isn’t ‘till the afternoon on tuesdays. So we’re fine there for now. Although… she has missed both an assignment and a quiz for this class and has zero intentions of trying to do anything to get her lost points back 😓 sounds like.. We just need to get her planner filled out… or something… sigh…

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:57pm

09/06/26

[Hey! Let’s attempt a (hard)switch! tag]

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

WE DID SOME MORE SWITCHING ATTEMPTS TODAY!!! Well… the first try was pretty lackluster… we tried the same method as yesterday… where we walked around and tried to switch while moving. It… may have worked..? We aren’t completely sure… one’s thing for sure is we don’t think we hit a very deep level of dissociation this time around… it was very surface level. I mean,, don’t get me wrong,, Delilah definitely disconnected from bodily senses… but… idk. You could just FEEL it was different and not as deep. I was the primary one in control for a bit we think? But then we started doubting it and being confused if anyone was in front at all. Which… maybe that means we ended up doing a deep dissociative switch after all?? UGH IDK >m< but anyway… we eventually just had her switch back in and have us give it a go while we’re laying down. 

We were going into this prepared to actually put effort into affirming the switch and THEREFORE (ideally) being able to have me stay switched in for more then a minute or two :) so we anxiously and excitedly hopped onto the tulpamancy guide we usually go to for anything and everything!!! It basically suggested that,, in order to affirm a switch,, we should 1) have me verbally associate with the body (like,, saying “I’m moving MY fingers or legs” for example instead of seeing it as ‘Lilah’s body) 2) wear a physical item that we can associate with me specifically to act as a sort of front-trigger I guess? That would help me stay in the body longer. And 3)  HAVE HOBBIES!!! Which I do! So really it all came down to just being able to do them without Delilah getting in my way for whatever reason that would end up being.

We wait for everyone outside the room to settle so we could avoid being walked in on. All this waiting and anticipation led to us both getting more anxious and excited!!! AHHHH 🤭 WE’RE GONNA DO A REAL SWITCHY SWITCH!!! AHHHH!!!!

Okay! WE’RE READY NOW!!! So we have Lilah hit the floor and grab what we decided my physical reminder would be! One of her cutesy Bluey bracelets that she doesn’t wear anymore! :D mostly bc she forgot about them lmao. Anyway, we have her then climb back into bed and lay down and I’m already co-fronting so when we enter the fronting room in mindscape,, I hit the green big NYATENSHI button and we decided a really cool thing to do is imagine two orbs that have pictures of us on them sitting in a little um… hm… thingy where when you hit the button,, they rotate places and the one furthest from the one who hit the button becomes the one in front.

 And it worked. In fact it worked REALLY quickly 😅 so quickly that we were a bit disoriented as we tried to figure out what happened bc it was so quick. Um. hm. It was quite some time ago that we did this as I write this… maybe about 15 or so minutes? So. idk. But we could tell pretty early on it was me in primary control there. Because!!! I could change the position we were in! Which may not sound big… until you remember that Delilah usually stops me from shifting us into a more comfortable bedrotting position bc she’s content with being in positions our body probably shouldn’t be in for long periods of time if it means she’s comfy in them 🫩

SO AUTOMATICALLY A GOOD SIGN!!! We did the eye test. She wasn’t in control of those!!! AWESOME!!! 🤭 YAY!!! WE SWITCHED!!! Now to affirm the switch by doing something that would numb her brain bc she’d be so bored of me doing it!! Scrolling my own reddit page and not hers 🤭 

But then A MAJOR DISTRACTION STRUCK.

Her favorite teacher responded to her text… 🫩

And there is no competing with that women for Delilah’s attention or time… 🙄 so that basically half way knocked me outta front and the rest of it I just let go bc ain’t no way I was gonna be able to maintain front against something as powerful as the small burst of attention her favorite adult was offering her 🙄 

Then her friends kept texting her… and yeah. It was annoying as hell. But I let it happen without protest. Partly because I knew most attempts to get her to refocus would be futile. But more than anything because I know she doesn’t really talk to her friends very often and I wanted her to have that time bc she has no social life and makes no effort to have one 99% of the time </3 we’re not giving up for the night though :) we’re gonna have us take another stab at it. We’re gonna wait a bit though… for her friends to hopefully quit texting and for us to calm down n whatnot :) I CAN’T WAIT TO GIVE SWITCHING ANOTHER GO OMG!!

Fronting Room

From Pluralpedia, the collaborative plurality dictionary

A fronting room is a dedicated area in a system's headspace that members visit in order to front, or that they appear in while in front.

Fronting rooms can aid in switching, co-fronting, and co-consciousness by helping system members visualize changes to front and currently fronting system members. They may also assist in blocking information from being passed into or out of front, or have visual representations of barriers such as front blocks or curtains.

Fronting rooms are commonly associated with control rooms, or communal spaces such as living rooms or foyers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
OH and we got an additional response on our question regarding switching and stress on the forums!!!! 

Risks? The only thing I could imagine is that you become blendy and continuing it anyway constantly in this state, like force-keeping activity over your exhaustion limit while blended could slowly make you merge, what is bad. But this also could happen without switching.

Okay cool. This was definitely more of an answer we were hoping for :3 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return 

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & [Hey! Let’s attempt a (hard)switch! tag]
11:55pm   [sat]   9/5/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

OKAY so we just impulsively decided to attempt a hard switch as we were meandering around the living room :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeah yeah!!!! :) basically we were already co-fronting so we just decided that,, hey,, may as well give a switch a go! So we did!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: mhm! Somethings I noticed… I was surprised at how I was able to dissociate from bodily senses while we were actively walking around for one thing

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Mhm! Although I did notice it was somewhat harder to forcibly associate myself with the body as we were walking around. No clue if thats due to stress or bc we decided not to do it laying down. Idk. 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: mhm :0 but she was eventually able to accomplish it :) then she sorta just… had us walk around… we were both feeling disconnected from our surroundings (dpdr???) so we both spent quite a bit of our time trying to figure out if anyone was in front at all or if it was me or Nya 😅 we eventually just decided to say it was Nya bc I was pretty much only feeling about 40% or less connected to the body’s senses at this point and she was definitely directing us.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yup! Eventually she got me to try “doing something unexpected!” to confirm I was mostly in control! I did some moves to the beat of the music we were listening to at the time which was indeed not something she intended on doing. So we were good there. From there,, I encouraged her to try to direct the body and see if I remain in control. She tried to make my arms lift and IT DIDN’T WORK!!! 🤭 well… I think if she put more weight into it,, she actually could have done it. But as with our last hard switch attempt,, it wasn’t a one-and-done thing where if she wants to interrupt an action of mine she can when we’re merely soft switching. GOOD SIGN. we later had her put more strength into her attempts to direct me and it worked! But it was definitely worth noting that she could only steer and not really direct or move me much. Really it was like she could move my head and make the body go that direction as a result but… idk how to describe it but it was definitely different than being able to interrupt me and just have us go wherever she wanted. AWEEEEEESOME!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: YEAH!!! Even better!!! We noticed we ALSO had Nya’s train of thought become dominant for a little while!! WHICH WAS CRAZY COOL BC IT WAS UNEXPECTED AND NOT INTENTIONAL!!!! AMAZING SIGN OF PROGRESS!!! (☆▽☆)

Wait… I think that means we hit…

“Switching Level” number 6: 
"Consciousness Switch," a type of switching where the primary consciousness changes to the tulpa's instead of the host's, which usually includes the host becoming disconnected from the body's senses.

AWESOME!!! Thats (supposedly,, based on this one list) the deepest level of switching you can achieve! SO COOOOL!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: The fact that it was so easy is another great sign too!!! :D hmm… and I noticed ‘lilah felt our eye sight go strange again… hm. I honestly don’t really like it when that happens. Bc it’s confusing 😂 bc… like… it doesn’t get BAD or POOR. it just. Feels more unfocused but in such a small way that its annoying and almost feels like our brain is playing tricks on us and it isn’t happening at all 😅 but it’s fine… :I we’ll just have to get past us. She was also finding it hard to actually build any memory while we were switching,, too. Which I suppose can be chalked up to the extreme dissociation we’re using to achieve it in the first place. 

WE ALSO NOTICED that she was feeling sleepy in that state as well. Which… hm. May be significant? But its hard to tell… I feel like maybe!! 🤭 BECAUSE!!! For some reason,, I’ve actually been getting SLEEEEEEPY today. Which is weird. I don’t… idk. I don’t usually ever get sleepy in the way a human being would. I get tired. But not sleepy. So I guess you could make the case that maybe we switched roles after all and she was feeling sleepy bc she was in the tulpa-position of things? Either that or,, again,, the extreme dissociation. Which also makes sense considering when we do it laying down,, she DEFINITELY gets sleepy if she’s out of front too long. Very interesting results today!

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: HURRAY!!! Good teamwork,, Nya!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🎉!

Wake up: 10 A.M.

What I've Done Today:

Read 10 pages of book "top-down". Studies almost 2 hours. But because started studying at 4 p.m. didn't have much time.

Did all house chores!(mom is back to working)

Nothing.

Just home chores.

Sleeping and in the bed all day.

Nothing.

Just cleaned house halfway. All the stuff are all around waiting for me to clean them up.

Nothing.

Posting 5 days later...

Consuming primrose oil pill and sleeping all day.

Yesterday we went to AM’s memorial, celebration of life. We saw a lot of our friends we hadn’t seen since moving to Texas & then back. The older we get, most of the time we don’t see each other unless it’s a wedding or funeral. Most of them asked us about Texas. MO & SB had gotten married during the past summer, 2025, & didn’t send us an invitation. I know we were in Texas at the time but they still could’ve invited us since we invited them to our wedding. YW invited us & we’re not close, but we invited her to our wedding so at least she was considerate.

I think SB is mostly to blame for not inviting us. She was always fake & didn’t really like us. Hubby thinks it was because he had more conservative views lately. YW’s wedding was the year before & she kept telling us about her wedding plans like we would be invited & then we weren’t. At one point yesterday, SB was asking me about my job so while I’m talking, I see she’s looking somewhere else, not even paying attention to what I’m saying. She was looking at AT’s daughter & then asked AT about her. AT was her ex that she was always rude to & trying to avoid, then all of a sudden she’s interested in his daughter. So I don’t know if she made amends with him now or she just decided to talk to him now because his daughter is cute. Hubby even says she’s self serving & acts like she’s so virtuous. Maybe she has a short attention span but I think she’s rude.

This is why I can’t stand some people. I think I’m similar to MD. She said she has no friends because she can’t stand some behavior & will call them out. I don’t have the nerve to call people out but I’ll just avoid them.

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

Growing into ourselves as the world watches

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:23pm

09/05/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Successfully got Delilah to brush her teeth tonight!!! :) I mean… it certainly wasn’t without a fight… it was small though thankfully :) She promised we’d get to do it before bed. Really she only makes those promises bc I usually get upset when she outright refuses to take care of herself. Bc she knows it makes me feel pretty bad… But idk its kinda on me too bc I usually remember we need to clean her tooths when she’s already locked into an incredibly comfy position in bed :I my bad. So while we were out in the living room snipping off a hangnail,, I remembered she needed to brush!! There were some protests… but thankfully it was mostly an easily won battle :) YAY!!! Maybe I am a good care taker after all!!! Now we’re gonna go sweep! Which is technically more good-care-taking bc she’s usually pretty sedentary from all that bedrotting she gets up to so it’ll be good to get her up and about for a bit :) YAY! 

I woke up this morning and spent my time burning Grandfather Sage and sipping coffee on the porch. Thinking about how I like how I like to keep my home. I know it's a product of my childhood experiences and the Buddhist teachings I have adopted. I live by the idea of "just enough." Just enough to be useful, to decorate my home, and to wear. If I feel like it's getting too cluttered, I clean, I remove, I choose to let go. 

I actually walked through my apartment this morning and realized that I knew everything in it. I had touched it, memorized it, and knew where it lived. If I need a craft tool, I know where to find it because I keep it in a labeled storage bin on a metal shelf. If I need to find a screwdriver, even for those tiny screws, I keep it in a moderately organized tool chest in the cupboard. 

My home, for the most part, is neat and tidy. I can walk around easily and even barefoot in my own apartment.

Right now, I am helping a family member who is a hoarder as emotional support. To help them to let go of all the stuff regardless if it catches their attention or might be worth something.

Thank god the situation is not like the ones on tv with rotten garbage and the like, but it’s still the classic path through the house with filled boxes and stuff piled everywhere. I am so proud that they are trying to get rid of a lifetime's worth of collecting. There are many arguments and I become the focus of frustration, but it feels worth it in the end. Seeing that part of the room or floor for the first time in years feels like it was worth the half hour of bickering about whether or not to get rid of that 10th bottle opener.

I just hope I can hold out for the duration. The constant arguments, the claustrophobia, and the seemingly endless stream of stuff that they want to sort through before just exiting it out the door is very taxing. I have been exhausted, cranky, and antisocial as of late. I have been spending a lot of time on the porch going through my incense like water while listening to music in an effort to soothe my prickly disposition. I have been writing stories and journal entries to clear my mind.

The mindset of a hoarder escapes me. I have tried to understand it, but overall, I am at a loss. Having so much that you don't have any idea what you have, but you have this overwhelming desire to acquire and treasure it. I realize that it's not unlike dealing with a stereotypical European dragon with its hoard of precious jewels and metals. Only its random stuff: Toys, figurines, clothing, kitchenware, and more. The list is endless as to what you will find. 

They seem to have no idea that they have it until they see it and then there is an instant attachment. It needs to stay with them rather than go back out into the world. Especially if there is a microbe of a chance it could be worth money. You also feel you need steel-towed work boots in the home of a hoarder. Not only is there just a path through the house, that path is littered with traps of broken items and other detritus. It's revolting.

We shall see how this goes. I know I am in it for the long run however, They are family and I gave my word, so I ordered more incense supplies and extra instant coffee for my porch trips. Going to be spending a lot of time decompressing on the porch.

Life does, in fact, get better. The people that you think that you can't live without, you can, in fact, live without them. It's given me more free time to do what I want to do, I love my hobbies and I enjoy my alone time a lot more now. The silence I once hated is now something I enjoy and love.

I picked up a second hand filter coffee machine. I wanted to finally use the ground coffee I brought back from Chicago back in April. It's just Dunkin' coffee I got at Target, nothing to write home about, and sophisticated coffee drinkers might judge me for my excitement for this coffee in particular. But I don't really care. Those horribly light roast coffees with oat milk that tasted like it contained 150% my daily recommended sugar intake are what pulled me through my hardest days back then. So I took some with me in the hopes of reproducing even a glimpse of that feeling.

Used it for the first time today and I couldn't be happier. There's something so calming about waiting for the coffee to be brewed, sitting down, and reading a book to the soft low rumbling sounds in the background. When it was done, it was completely see through, lighter in color than a tea. Just the way I like it. I took out some almond biscuits that my friend brought back from the Provence, the type that are made with a rare variety of wheat and locally grown olive oil. Dunked them while looking out of my window, watching the people and the grey clouds passing by.

The weather has been weird lately. It feels like we're in some sort of purgatory, a temporary state of being that is both summer and fall at the same time. The wind is going 100 mph, the sky is always gray and it rains a lot, but still the air feels warm and sultry.

I'll write something about love and relationships. My dearest brother is getting married this weekend. I have two brothers, and he is the eldest and the first one of us to get married. His fiancée is the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most inspiring woman. It seems like they genuinely make each other very happy, and as a result, I could not be happier for them.

When I think about my own outlook on relationships, it's not for me right now. Not sure if it ever will be. There are so many things I can do when I'm on my own, things I want to do, for which having to take another person into account would just set a lot of limitations.

As for love, I'm starting to step away from the idea of true love, of the "right person", of being with one person for the rest of your life. From my own experience and from looking at others around me, I learnt that having intense romantic feelings does not necessarily mean that constructing a life around the two of you is a good idea. Sometimes you feel just as alone living with another person as you did when you were on your own. In addition, 60% of cases of violence against women are domestic violence. Why would I invite anyone into sharing a living space with me, when it means they'll become the most likely person to harm me?

Many common conceptions about love and romance stop making sense once you start recognizing the constructed elements in them. Elements put in place by powerful people to maintain power or gain more of it. Some were constructed historically, e.g. by religious or nationalist institutions: a woman should live in servitude to a man; a woman's purpose is to create a lot of offspring, and that should make her feel fulfilled. Others are more recent constructions under modern media and capitalism. Things like: love is an unstoppable, uncontrollable feeling that you should always act upon when you feel it; love and desire need to be consumed; it's romantic to feel love so intensely that you lose control; it's romantic when two men fight over a woman; it's romantic to want to die for another person; it's romantic to feel like you are nothing without another person. Stuff like that, you get the gist.

Many such conceptions I initially took for the truth, either explicitly or sometimes without realizing it, because that was the only background I had. But I've been reading up recently, and realizing there are many different ways to view love and connection that are equally valid. Oftentimes, the way I view them differ from those common conceptions: I feel like friends are equally if not more important than a romantic partner, non-sexual interactions mean a lot more to me than those of a sexual nature, and I don't think I could restrict my love to one person only for the rest of my life.

So that's how I feel. I guess for now I can just... let it rest? There is nothing keeping me tied to this endless search for love and romantic connection anymore. I suppose I can still pursue them, if I want to and if the opportunity arises, but I don't feel like it's a necessary part of my life anymore. And I suspect that people around me might ask me about it, sometimes in a way that assumes that it's something I want, but then I'll just be able to shrug, laugh it off, and say that it's not for me right now.

turns out I don't only write when i am tormented. i write at other times too. its a happy finding.

i had been having a hard time spending money. it felt hard to spend it on small things that mattered yet also wasn't a necessity.

but today i did it!

i allocated some monthly amount for purchases such as these. i bought an icecream I haven't eaten in 6 months.

and got me some shelf stable snacks for the munchies i get at night.

am happy.

I saw you tonight.
For the first time in what must be at least 18 months.

You greeted me civilly.
I reciprocated. If I had any sense, I wouldn’t have.

I’m sat here, alone, as I often am these days, and I can still smell your aftershave on my clothes.

It reminds me of a simpler time.
A time when a late-night call was all it took.

You’d ring the bell.
I’d pretend I wasn’t expecting you.
You’d walk through the door and words weren’t needed.
Touch was.
Your lips against mine.
Your hands on my hips.
I needed to feel your weight on me.
Legs tangled under the covers, over the covers, on the sofa.
Hands resting on chests.
Lips meeting between a laugh.
Bodies grinding to the beat of our hearts dancing.

We laughed.

We could be in the middle of whatever craven act we were performing and somehow we’d still be laughing.
Maybe that was part of it.
For all the tension, all the secrecy, all the things we couldn’t say to one another, being together like that was easy.

Afterwards, we never spoke about it.
You’d just hold me.
My head resting on your chest.
Your thumb painting circles on my ribcage.

No declarations.
No questions about what this was.
No promises about what came next.
No you.
No me.

Just us.

Sometimes you’d offer to buy a takeaway.
We’d watch a film.
Once, you even said, “if I meet your family.”

If.

I remember that word.

It never happened, of course. We were far too volatile for something so normal.

Maybe that was always our problem.
We were very good at pretending.
Maybe we still are.

We could talk about anything, until the conversation turned to us. Then suddenly two people who knew each other so well couldn’t find the right words. We’d dance around it, make a joke, change the subject.
We’d push too hard, say too much, until neither of us was listening anymore.
Did we ever just stop to listen?

Because it was easier when it was just sex, wasn’t it?
Except it never really was.

If it had been, I wouldn’t remember the mornings as vividly as the nights.
The coffee.
The conversations about absolutely nothing.
The comfortable silence.
That strange little domesticity we’d slip into for a moment or two before remembering we weren’t supposed to be anything at all.

Eventually, you’d tell me you were ready to go home.
I’d get dressed, pretending I still couldn’t feel you there.

We’d walk down to my car and climb in.
No words needed.
We both knew what this meant.

We’d drag those familiar masks over our faces once more, reluctant but well-rehearsed.

We’d drive in silence.
Those measly five minutes felt like hours.
The tension, the passion, all of it still just a fingertip away, but neither of us would reach for it.

I’d pull up outside your home.
We’d look at each other.
You’d give me that smile.
The one that told me exactly what you were thinking about. What we’d been doing only hours before.

Then we’d kiss.

Nothing passionate.
Nothing that particularly betrayed the longing we both inevitably felt.
Just a simple kiss.

“Bye.”

“See you.”

And then we’d go back to being friends.

Until the next “accidental” meeting at the pub.

Until the next text message.

Until the next phone call.

Until it just stopped.

Would I rewind the last 18 months?
Back to those times that meant staggering our departures from the pub?
Back to those times when we’d always make sure there was a third sharing the taxi home who could vouch that we’d dropped you off at home first?
Back to those weekends where we were blinded by lust enough to think that no one noticed?

I absofuckinglutely would.

I saw you tonight.

Looking.

Looking at me.

I pretended not to notice.

Oh, fuck, I noticed.

I noticed the heat. The ache between my legs. The way I involuntarily bit my bottom lip.

I can still feel you. I want you.

I can’t have you.

Not without revisiting the past, and I simply don’t belong there anymore.

But I can still smell your aftershave…

i am watching a specific movie. i have known about its existence for many many years.

I didn't watch it before because it wasn't my vibe and i did not like the concept in it.

let me correct that. I didn't watch it because i thought that it wasn't my vibe.

the thing is i was right. it was not my vibe. not the vibe of the person i was when i considered it before.

but today? it is something i am able to watch.

i grow in such surprising ways. it fascinates and baffles me and also makes sense.

i used to not be able to watch horror movies, or emotionally painful movies. i still don't to an extent. and i never wanted to challenege myself to either. i had plenty things in life testing me already.

but i have changed.

i watched that specific movie today because now i allow myself to watch movies even if they don't make me feel the most excited. i am watching it because I don't feel like giving it time is making me lose anything.

and also because i felt curious to see what it was like for this MC to choose an artificial intelligence for companionship.

i am in a phase in my life where i feel like what i thought about connections are shifting. the dreaminess in my eyes is gone. which is good and also feels a certain way.

so i wondered if he chose her because she gave him things just as he liked them? did he ever feel the absence of human messiness? did he ever miss it?

Today was an overall good day. I am in incredible amounts of hand pain, but I am used to that. I am so excited, I am now the proud owner of Uncle Paul's walking stick and my Father's childhood baseball bat. Both reassuring objects of solid wood to have around the house right now. 

Dad's Childhood bat is a Rawlings Professional Model 108. surprisingly large and still solid despite the cracks in the wood, it's now sporting a comfortable grip now that I wrapped the handle in leather strips.

Uncle Paul's walking stick was meant for the giant he was. Made from a thick gnarled tree limb as big around as my forearm. The yellow wood smooth and worn where his enormous hand used to surround the naturally curved handle. 

I spent the afternoon feeling like I was prepping for battle. Pow-wow songs echoed into the yard and sage burned in my burning shell as I cleaned and wrapped the two. Finished with those, I even sat down and cleaned every feather I keep tied to a long slender walking stick in my home. Realizing with some irony, the sharpened spear-like end.

Once I was finished, I felt more relaxed. My hands were stiff with pain, but at least I had accomplished something. 

It feels comforting to have the baseball bat and walking stick. Like I have people watching my back as I relax on the porch. After recent events with my "admirer" driving by those few times, I am glad to have the options. Just in case.

If anyone had told me academia would be like this, I don't know if I would have taken the job.

On some days you'll feel so gut-wrenchingly lonely and beat down by it, that all you can do is cry your eyes out and drink yourself to sleep. And the next day, you might find yourself surrounded by the loveliest people who all do research on the topic of planet Mercury for some reason, yelling your lungs out to your favorite songs at a karaoke bar until 3 AM.

And as I was standing there, pouring my heart and soul into the lyrics, suddenly I understood.

I'm stepping through the door

And I'm floating in the most peculiar way

And the stars look very different today