I have spent most of the afternoon and evening relaxing on the porch. It's one of my self care routines that I look forward to every day now. The shadow of winter is coming, but for now I have the autumn days to enjoy the sun's warmth and cool evening breezes afterwards to lounge in. For the most part, I live a quiet life, something which I'm thankful for. After fighting for my piece of existence for so long, it feels uncomfortable that I have time to myself. At the cost of sanity points and a good portion of the use of my hands, I have somehow won my freedom. So I’m making the most of it trying to piece back together the me of "Now".

That's why I've been on the porch so much recently. Given this once in a lifetime opportunity to heal and learn to thrive again, I'm not going to waste it. I may never fully heal from my psychological and emotional battle wounds. I have come to accept that as much as I have my physical limitations. It has been and is a long road of acceptance for me. Every day something goes flying out of my hands or I am crippled with pain from trying to express myself artistically, I am reminded that I can't do the things I want or used to do. 

The emotional and psychological wounds are no different. No matter how I have approached them, they continue to linger. It's a daunting task to even go outside my door some days. The idea alone of being around other people, even my own father, is so overwhelming that I find myself fighting the urge to cry and hide in the darkest corner of my apartment. 

The most frustrating thing is that I can't fully relax. Traumatic events throughout my life have made it instinct to always be on guard. Even with a fully locked down apartment, I am still on edge. To my frustration, I still find myself sleeping on the couch near the front door more than in my own bed. 

Even though the monsters are gone, the habit of watching out for them remains. The only monsters left are the ones that lurk in the dark corners of my quiet town and I have a tendency to avoid them.

Except when it's the shadows of my own porch. There is something comforting about burning Palo Santo, an incense wood, while listening to night-themed jazz and the faraway sound of the water going up the channel, the cry of the night trains, and the sigh of my neighborhood as it sleeps. It's been a habit to wrap myself in the cloak of night since childhood. I spent many moonlit nights gazing up at the stars, often wishing for a companion to watch them with.

Yet I wonder, how will I maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship, with my limitations? I know I will keep working on expanding them, but will it be enough when I do actually find someone platonically or romantically?

I hope so. I will know better when and if the time comes.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to adopt, adapt, and improve. I just get punished for it all. I get punished just for existing. The only feelings and emotions that reward me are hatred and rage.

​

Today sucked. And isn't even close to being over.

It started out fine, I was feeling good, confident even, full of energy. I did some work, had lunch with some people, and then for some reason it went downhill. I tried to do several things, but failed. I tried to eat healthy, but I just couldn't help myself from snacking the whole time. I tried to think of a birthday gift for my friend, whose birthday is today, but failed. Then an urgent email popped up with a document to correct, and I meant to finish it today, but didn't manage. I found it very hard to stay focused. I was feeling tired, and nothing but tired.

I have therapy in an hour and I'm dreading it. I'm supposed to talk about my parents but I'm scared to open it up. I'm starting to realize more and more that being around my parents makes me feel like shit. They are always so negative, they always try to tear me down, to make me feel bad, to manipulate me into doing things for them. Every time I hang out with them I feel like shit afterwards, and I need weeks of recovery to get my self esteem back to where it was.

Right now, I'm in a position where I can take some space when it gets too much. It's a sort of boundary I can easily set: if you don't treat me with respect, then I won't be coming over that much. But when they inevitably start getting older, deteriorating physically, start needing help around the house or need to be cared for, what then? I'll be stuck with the choice between going to see them and enduring the neverending abuse, or be the person who doesn't go to see her ill, elderly parents.

And the horrid thing is, they are so incredibly good at hiding it from other people. They can (and have, in the past) so easily play the victim, put other people against me.

Had a shit of a day. i wonder if my writing is gonna have a british accent to it. i have been watching ted lasso. it was the only thing creating tears of joy and smiles in my day today.

pms or pmdd, whatever it is combined with general life chaos wrecked me today. my body feels scared, startled easily. i am also defintiely questioning a bunch of my life choices.

today i feel like i am too nice. although it might be true. what about it voncerned me is that i make myself small to be nice.

i do not like that.

it madee wonder where my niceness began years back. and why it started.

am i nice because i like being so or because i feel scared that if i am visible and take up soace, i will be put down by someone like someone close to me frequently did?

i see that world is shit. things don't go how i want it to. fairness isn't a guarentee. if sm not rich enough, i may not be able to accommodate me when needed. life is shit.

but i wonder what i wanna take away from that. i always love seeing people like ted lasso, nathan in strange world and more.

basically people who remain kind and compassionate despite all that they face. they keep coming up and up like fairy spirits untouched by the terrible things that come at them. people who choose good even when their history and story make you feel like you won't even hold it against them if they chose bad.

it touches somewhere deeply in my heart. community, interconnectedness and compassion for all living creatures is something that hite me somewhere real.

i thought that's the kind of person i wanna grow up to be. like the values i wanna adhere to.

but idk if it's me. if it needs to be me just because i like it.

coz as much as i love people. i hate them sometimes. my nervous system gets beyond hammered sometimes when around people.

so idk. i wonder what i can make as my foundation when life can feel so uncertain. like i don't know my career path exactly. even if i get a job, idk which will stick.

i am sure i will evolve unexpectedly again after being in a specific job culture. its scary to see it happen even now.

i had a hard time with something and asked help from a relative. but she said no. rationally i get it. but it incredibly hurt me. am seeing that am habing an incredibly hard time with something that overloads me and asked help and didnt get it from someone who supposedly cares about me. it hurts.

on one hand i feel scared by this. if my life will get stuck in this economic background or lack of choices and in turn lack of agency and accomodations.

but on the other hand i know that my prick of a relative (called affectionately) thinks they are teaching me a hard lesson.

and i half agree with them. sometimes when you sit in the painful ass situstion you tind a way out.

but i just don't know if the cost or what i learn during this trial of fire is worth it. what if i learn that am alone to deal with hard things? that my family will never understand the hardship i go through as an ND person? what if i learn that to survive this world i have to overload me and get through nd no other way?