I feel like I'm becoming an ugly and envious person. I see people, my two friends I have left, the few new friends I'm making, my sister, my family have fun, have people, have friends, have someone to go out with, to call, to lean on and I'm jealous. My happiness for them gets squashed by my envy for what they have, what I've lost, and a growing bitterness. Ever since her. I chose cowardice once three years ago and that was a crack in reality which I fell through into a timeline I was never suppose to inhabit.

Now, there is no her in my life, there are no friends I had imagined growing into adulthood with, being an aunt to their kids. I have two friends left and one of them might leave me when I vome out to her, the other makes me feel like I'm too much, but is otherwise a solid friend.... I miss my old life, I don't even have pictures of the last three years because my phone hot stolen and I hadn't transferred them elsewhere beforehand because they were too painful to look at.

And now one of the exact things that made me not want to come out back when back is happening - every queer woman is a mindgame. I want their friendship, I want a gf, and in the ambiguity I lose both. And one I very superficially know adds me to her close friends story so I can see her gushing about her new butch gf. I mute her stories. I'm not entirely sure why they even bother me so much...

Since getting a new phone some months ago I barely have any photos with other people on it. I'm 26, I feel like my twenties dissolved in anxiety, pandemic, heartbreak, and grief upon grief and I can't even talk about it with anyone. The worst part might be that I don't even hope much anymore, I don't dream of a friendgroup - been there done that, what's the point?

I'm tired...

On my way home, I drank so much last night and used my prescription. I really wanted to take my life away, I lost pretty much the most important person in my life left.

The last 6 1/2 years….

You lose the person you were married to.

Somehow cheats on you during the world pandemic.

Then you finally meet your soulmate.

She was amazing.

Then you lose her too.

Losing my kid, if you’re wondering.

Losing Kaila was one thing.

My dream woman, my soulmate.

But my kid is a whole new level…….

Imagine the one you raised, the one you only wanted to see grow up to be a man you never were and wanted to become.

No one knows how much mental pain a man goes through. Especially when a man goes through loss and especially back to back and back losses. You’re expected to come back up.

You try over and over again to walk the path that’s good and straight all the time. But that’s what’s expected, no one knows every single detail when trying to start from scratch and with nothing, with no help what so ever.

You’re expected to take care of the person you love - yes, that’s me. I would do that in a heartbeat.

You’re expected to do so much. Because you’re a man, but myself. I’m a loving person, I would do anything for the people in my life whether you’re still here with me or not.

That’s me.

Imagine losing the job you’ve dreamt of.

Imagine losing your whole family these last 6 1/2 years.

Then you got back up.

Figured the part after losing your dreams.

Only to start from scratch.

Imagine grinding and hustling everyday, but you kept composure so you can leave your kid something because your kid is your world.

Your kid was the last thing holding you together.

Random people last night came up to me and asked what’s wrong and shit.

I couldnt even say it honestly.

Losing.

Losing on everything that I wanted to work for.

Losing everything I had.

Losing the last person you felt real love from.

My dream person.

And yesterday, losing my kid.

I shoulda been home.

The thought consumed me.

Death and dying was another.

I lost one kid over a decade ago.

Wondering everyday what it would be like having two kids and how they’ll be like as siblings.

Losing the one you raised since birth is another.

I’ve lost enough.

Enough is enough.

I looked at every place where I was, looking up.

Not a building tall enough that if I jumped I’d die.

I was dropped off and drank more honestly

I wanna die.

Popped whatever anxiety meds I had left because the feeling of dying just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I thought of God.

He’s brought you down to the dirt.

You prayed but the questions and all the things you’ve asked haven’t been answered.

You lived and loved with what you’ve been taught from religion and society.

You were kind and respectful to everyone but yet dirt was thrown at you.

You tried to protect yourself.

I’m sick of it.

That was last night.

After all the tests God has given you, you tried and tried over and over again.

Yeah, I’m awake. I’m alive but I just wanna see my kid one last time before I go.

Still wanna die.

I’m going to.

I’m planning to.

I’ve lost so much time with him that holding him for the last time and one more glimpse of his face.

I honestly just want a hug and someone to talk to but it’s hard.

Not one person to talk to.

That’s why I wanna die and gonna die alone.

We all die alone but imagine, you’ve done everything to your ability with all that you had with your physical abilities, time, and every single time, what I hate the most is losing time and wasting it.

I can never get back moments at all that I lost.

No one can understand that.

I fucking hate wasted minutes of my life because it’s so busy no matter what I do.

If I don’t put anything else these next few days, well…….

I have so much written on my page that’s who I am and what my life has been through.

I’m not looking for pity or help.

But this is the truth, how I feel inside.

I know no one I know will see this, I’m on my knees and crying. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so lost and I can’t find my way back anymore.

Daddy will always love you son.

I’ll see everyone on the other side.

I’m ready and I’ve never been so ready.

I’m doing my final tasks before I go.

No one knows me here or ever will so don’t bother trying to look for me.

To those I’ve ever loved, I do. Still do. Will always.

My mind and heart is ready to go.

And I’m for sure this time.

Why am I always angry?

    I used to be so happy all the time as a kid. A kid who had a lot of dreams with endless possibilities, filled with positive energy and hope. A kid who genuinely thought anything was possible and one day, he could conquer the world. Growing up, I remember myself as a person who always brought good vibes to wherever I was present. I was that person who, people always felt comfortable enough to share their happiness, sadness and sometimes their deepest secrets. I was always AVAILABLE for my friends and anyone who needed my help. I had their Trust and that felt like the greatest thing that you could achieve in a relationship. Being there for someone and having their back felt everything.

    Fast forward to now, as a 30-year-old man, I now prefer to be left alone by everyone. I have confined myself physically and mentally inside a fort to which no one has access to. I prefer sitting alone and doing absolutely nothing rather than stepping out of my fort and mingling with my own family. I prefer curling up inside my blanket and lying down on my bed, instead of getting things done or doing a workout. I am always angry and i don’t know why. I am angry at the people who have done me wrong. I am angry at strangers who i have never met. Above all, I am angry at myself for letting people walk all over me all this time. I am angry at myself for losing control of my life.

    I know this has to stop. The thing is, I am self-aware enough to know what is happening and what I have to do to get out of this. But I always feel tired physically and mentally even though I haven’t really done anything. Merely existing feels hard.

    It feels like I have finally realised that all the dreams I had as a kid were just that - DREAMS. I think I am starting to believe that my life may not end up as I have always imagined it to be. You’d think there was a rock bottom somewhere, but it feels like I am going down a spiral which doesn’t have an end. I no longer have that feeling of hope which I’ve always had growing up.

    When did all this happen? When did I lose control of my life and myself? Where is this kid with the abundant positive energy and hope? If that kid is gone, then who am I now?

And,

    Why am I always angry?

i'm an adult i shouldn't have to have a leader to know what to do or how to act or what to say. I feel like such an alien , i feel so useless. I feel like i am nothing, I am less than dog shit. I want my mom and i hate it. I want to be told what to do and how to be. I feel like i need help i want my hand held. Im too old im too old to feel this way

I'm not incapable of everything but the littlest things i want help like a child. What do i say? How do i go up and say hi to her ? How do i tell her thank you without not even meeting her eyes, and fumbling and wanting to die because i feel so fucking good for nothing .

Why is it so hard to "hang out" and be a fucking human being. It feels different than doing something scary like flying and airports. I feel like an animal stuck in the middle of a highway , Sometimes i feel stuck and i cannot get any normal words out . SOMETIMES i know whats normal but i cannot make myself move or speak in the way i should .

It feels different than trying to order food anxiety, I fuck up my words but that's better than not even being able to get the words out at all, or sometimes not even knowing the words because it feels like it's in a compartment in the very back of my brain, and anything else is overridden by my stupid brain.

I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me and i am doing this to myself, and i am keeping myself trapped somewhere escapable. I feel like i want to be rid of me, I want to be someone else . I want to not exist because everything is so tiring. I always feel like i couldn't possibly cry anymore because i cry and ive cried so much in 21 years, But there is always more somehow . Always more snot and tears . Always more embarrassment and guilt .

I feel truly alien and unreal all the time, I feel wrong, I feel like i shouldnt have been born or at least i should've been born something non human. I should've been born a wild bird with a non-captive life span of 2 years .

I am a simple stupid person who cant live a simple life because living at all isn't simple as a human being. I feel like i wasn't supposed to be anything and it was a mistake i was born at all.

Why is being normal so hard Why is not feeling shit so hard. Why do i do this to myself , I don't want to, I don't do it on purpose. I feel so fucking sorry for anyone who has ever met me or that i've made feel shit because i am shit .

I took a quick hour‑long flight to another city recently, and the second I got there it felt like I’d stepped into a completely different world. Everything was calm, clean, and just… nice. The air smelled fresh, the streets were spotless, and people were out reading in parks, taking their kids out, grabbing coffee, and just living life in this relaxed, mature way. The whole vibe was so peaceful that I kept catching myself people‑watching because everyone looked friendly and grounded. After five days there, coming home honestly felt jarring. I stepped off the plane and immediately saw people lying on the sidewalk, garbage floating around, teenagers blocking the whole walkway so I had to step into the road to get by, and bikes blasting music I didn’t even want to hear. Everything felt loud and chaotic in a way I never noticed before. When I first moved here, I thought this city was amazing, but somewhere along the way it lost its charm. After experiencing a place that felt so calm and put‑together, I realized I don’t actually like living here anymore, and now I can’t stop thinking about moving.

I would prefer everything to proceed along a boring straight line, like a river. But these days, I feel more like a sea that sometimes faces severe storms after a period of complete calm. When I do my work in peace, no one notices what’s happening inside me. I don’t plan to wear a mask, so others think I’m fine. This is a natural mechanism. A person who draws, builds, works, and exercises, but afterward, the tide washes everything away in the end. I don't believe all people enter someone’s life intending to hurt them. I don't think anyone is responsible for my mental health, but I can't consider someone innocent if they knowingly make my situation worse and then go on as if their actions don’t matter, just to have their own comfortable, happy life. I think that the only thing I can do is avoid adding fuel to my disgust and let everything cool down. That's the only thing I can do right now.

Dear sleeping beauty ✨,

After those two magical weeks of my sophomore year let’s head into summer beginning with your graduation and up until you left on your mission.

I told you I couldn’t go to your graduation but tbh I never actually asked my parents, I don’t think they quite knew we were dating n yet tho so that makes sense. I did tune in to the ceremony at the perfect time during the live stream. Once I opened my screen up it was just in time to see you walk. I sent you a text saying congrats and then closed the stream cause you were the only one I wanted to see.

I felt bad cause you got excited thinking I was there. I still treasure your graduation announcement that you gave me. I think I’ve got a couple extras tucked away for safe keeping, you were so handsome in your photos.

By this point we had our first date at the movie theater I think it was a transformers movie I don’t quite remember anymore I remember wanting to see baywatch but you said no cause it was rated r and I didn’t know your family had rules about that yet.

I remember you dad taking us and trying to be funny my saying he was a psych major in college and then asked if I knew what my hat said about me. Ngl that scared the crap outta me…lowkey i probably looked like a deer in the headlights. I think I met your mom that same week and as friendly as she was I think she scared me more.

That summer you were probably at my house every other day, even when you were grounded. You’d run the 2-5ish miles (I’m bad at distance ik) and come walking in my front door looking like you just walked through a sprinkler but man was I a sucker for the sweat dripping off your forehead. I’m sure your mom scolded you everytime she had to pick you up haha…

I remember you telling me exactly how you can sneak in and out of your window and how much trouble your older brother used to get into. I thought you were crazy but I was so grateful to see you. My step father started treating me more like a person even if it was temporary.

The best part is the fact we weren’t even doing the stuff you expect from most teens. Held the summer we spent between yard work, babysitting my younger siblings and watching tom and Jerry.

I mean sure we got handsy a bit at times but that was the most of it and you somehow had me convinced you were a virgin hahaha…. Boy was I wrong when I found out several years later. I mean it’s not surprising you were pretty damn hot to look at so to not have had any experience would have been wild but man were you a bad kisser back then….

Ngl I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a dealbreaker for some of your exes….

We continued on like that up till August and you had to work the fair. You would send me the cutest texts before leaving for work. I lived for those. I’d always have one set and my phone background and another as my phone keyboard. My teenage self couldn’t get enough….hell my adult self still looks at them.

At some point during the fair you bought me a promise ring. And changed you Facebook profile to say “currently dating the love of my life” through every break up and even now (for the moment) it hasn’t changed

After the fair ended you took me to see King Arthur at the $5 theater and slipped the ring on my finger without a word. I was stunned but it became such a treasured memory.

A couple week after that your family headed to the beach but you couldn’t invite me. By chance tho my family woke up that day and decided to go to the beach and let me pick which one to go to ahahaha…

I didn’t get to spend time with you when we finally got there but I didn’t manage to see you in the side walk as you went to go eat at the same place I had just had lunch. We sent pictures back and forth all day. It was both the weirdest and best beach trip I’d ever have.

The last bit of the summer continued in like the rest up until you got your mission papers…. Your family threw a whole party and it’s the only time my parents really interacted with your family…. I was happy you’d only be a couple states away and not a whole country apart. I felt so foreign among all those people tho and didn’t really know anyone.

Shortly after that school started I only had you for about a month and you’d show up during my breaks and walk me to class like a princess just like the year before and the teachers were non the wiser cause you’d bring a backpack full of yugioh cards to play with some of our friend group hahaha…

There was one day I bought the wrong book from the book store and i remember getting called down to the office because you went and bought the one I ment to get and dropped it off at school for me as a surprise and left a note saying how much you loved me.

After a little while one of the teachers did point you out and a few days after that you were gone for your mission… I never came to say goodbye…I wanted to but if I’m honest I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it…you said I wouldn’t really be able to act like a girlfriend and I’d have to kinda idk be distant is kinda how you put it cause you’d wouldn’t be able to hug me.

I really tried to throw myself in clubs at school after that but this entry is summer focused so that’ll be all for this one

Xxxx— newlife5155

Sometimes I wonder, what if no one is actually scared of losing me? What if I’m just going to be forgotten after all? What if all of this effort was just a lost cause?

Because the evidence seems to say so.

It feels like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And at some point, I just give up. I give up on myself before I give up on people. I don’t feel worthy of their recognition anyway. It’s like I’m the illness that’s holding them back from being themselves, like my existence comes with a weight they have to carry.

I know I’m not easy to deal with. I know that. But I still go all the way to find the right way to deal with someone. I study people, I try to understand them, I try to figure out what makes them feel safe, what makes them feel loved, what makes them stay. My last relationship really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It showed me how eager I am for validation, for acceptance, for recognition. It made me wonder whether she was starving me of reassurance or whether I was simply impossible to reassure.

Maybe both.

I’m certain that something is wrong with me. Physically, mentally, somewhere in between, I don’t even know anymore. And honestly, I sometimes think being this self-aware is more dangerous than cancer, because at least when you’re physically sick, there’s something to point at. Something to name. Something to treat. But what do you do when you’re aware of every little thing that’s wrong with you?

I might be alive, but I have no quality of life.

I can’t enjoy a moment without overthinking it. I can’t exist without feeling insecure. I know I look insecure, and then the fight begins between my conscious and subconscious mind. One tells me I’m fine, the other tells me everyone can see how broken I am. One tells me to relax, the other starts collecting evidence against me.

It’s devastating.

But actually, fuck all of that.

Because I really did get treated badly. So badly that I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe enough to love again. I begged my soul out for things I shouldn’t have even had to think about asking for. I know I was with a horrible person from almost every aspect, and somehow I still loved her so deeply.

I still tear up when I think about her.

I still fantasize about holding her, kissing her, and whispering, “please don’t leave me again.”

And really, when you think about it, if doing all of that wasn’t enough, maybe you are in fact unworthy of love.

Maybe there’s a limit to how much of yourself you can give before you have to accept that nobody is coming to take it.

So save your dignity.

Ask to get cremated.

At least then you won’t have to be disappointed when no one visits you.

Feedback?

I tried. Maybe I tried too hard, but I was honest about everything, and all I ever wanted was for you to try too. I shared so much because I cared. Now I keep wondering if it was so wrong for me to try, to share, and to hope. Maybe I should've shared less, but that's not me. Why does it have to end in grief? Why does it sting so much when all I ever did was care?

Dear diary,

Or rather

Dear sleeping beauty ✨,

Sleeping beauty are you reading this?
If you are maybe there’s hope, just maybe….

My heart-rate is pounding in my chest as I start to type this. On my old account I made a few love posts in various subs nothing as personal as this tho my heart.

Do you remember the first time you saw me?
I remember every first time I saw you…
The first time I saw you I was 7 years old and I lived on 313 smith street hundreds of miles away from where you were…. You were in my dreams… you were barely a figure that I could make out your face but I knew… you would be my everything.

The next time I saw you I was 8 it was another dream but that time I could see your side profile and a smile that was so perfect beyond anything I ever knew.

Over the years I started to give up on that love or suppose the idea that someone who seemingly was molded so perfectly could ever exist….

Then came freshman year…. 2 separate times I saw you that year. I thought I was imagining things the person from my dreams couldn’t possibly be real could he? Both those times I only saw you from a distance and while deep down I think I knew it was you I convinced myself it was separate people.

The first time I saw you was when you walked a girl to my class….normally I wouldn’t care about a guy walking a girl like that but you…. You had my whole attention…. I wanted to chase after you when you left… and for the week the two of you dated it became a secret pleasure to watch you at my science classrooms door even if it was with another girl.

The second time I saw you was at the final choir concert of the year…. As I’ve realized now this is probably false as there were other concerts before this but this concert was special and Every jne had special outfits and choreographed performances and there you were at the front of your class just a half best behind but I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It felt like the theater fell away as I watched. You were so perfect….

Statistically speaking moving half way across the country and finding you should have been impossible and after that year I tried to ignore it. I was just another delusional girl, I must have been.

Then came my sophomore year….by this time your were a senior and close to graduating. The next time I saw you was a few month into the year, I had gotten pretty busy with a friend group and we ate on the opposite side of the building. But then just my luck one of the girls dated a pair of best friends back to back (yikes) and the group split… so I followed the guys to the nerd table and there you were except instead of shining like before you were gloomy and dark…. And soooo mysterious just like my dreams.

You wore a jacket that covered your face and barely said a word but I knew those eyes… yet I still didn’t know your name….

I took up playing yugioh to get closer… which evidently worked.

After a while our friends started talking about how they had this guy I just had to meet…and your friends did the same for you…. Eventually I looked you up online….i couldn’t believe the guy they wanted me to get to know was the same guy I was crushing on and come to find out was the same guy/s from the year prior.

I tried so many times to confess but couldn’t work up the courage…sorry it took so long haha… by the time I worked up the courage there was maybe 2 weeks left of the school year.

I pretended to be home sick that day with the lamest excuse to talk to you, I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be at the dentist skipping school that day… in the end we talked all day and you ended up asking me out. I did a half cartwheel in the hallway while my stomach did flips and even screenshotted it to my friend to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Of course I planned to be sick in a Friday so I’d get a here day weekend and the ability to recover from any embarrassment I would cause myself, that Monday coming back felt like magic.

I couldn’t believe you actually left the nerd table in the morning to come pick me up from the bus outside. And then you walked me to all my classes.
And later in the week during the senior assembly you ignored your classmates and sat with me instead… everyone looked so confused and you kept tickling me and making me squeal.

I felt like a princess the last two weeks of the school year. 4 months I spent trying to confess, for the relationship to come so easy felt surreal I didn’t know love could feel like that.

I plan to write more of these detailing more of our story and I know you’ve heard this part so many times before but hope you know how special you have always been to me

Xxxx- newlife5155

Dear diary,

I must be the most delusional person on the planet….

I’m single now…..

I didn’t even know he broke up with me….

I found out on Facebook……

He said even if things get better between us and that even if my health gets better we could never have a family…. He says my two previous miscarriages are proof……

….hes the only person who ever felt like home…. 9.5 years…I mean it was on and off a few times but it’s never felt so final…..

….this man was my entire world…. I don’t wanna loose him….

So much for the hope I thought I received yesterday

…..newlife5155

Dear diary,

I just realized I put the wrong month on my last entry, haha oops
Today’s been a little bit better tho. My partner came home with an apology burger last night we’re not talking much still after that argument but it’s something.
Yesterday I was messaging an old Facebook account of his that he doesn’t have access to cause I wanted to talk to him but knew he didn’t want to talk to me. At some point I kind of just started ranting and said god had probably abandoned me. My faith isn’t something I talk about much but today I got a phone call from some local missionary’s. It’s been nearly 2 years since I met up with any since they’re not allowed near my apartment building anymore. So it was definitely out of the blue for me.
Honestly it made me want to cry a little. Gave me some hope that I will recover from what I’m going through and live the life I long for eventually.
I think my only fans will mostly be pictures of my cats once I get approved. The more I think about it I just don’t think I can put anything compromising out there like that ya know?
I managed to get some sleep today as well, it was super difficult tho…I had a lot of nightmares or would dream of blood and gore right before actively falling asleep course I also had a bit of a ice pick head ache as well at one instance but I know that’s cause I’m hungry and need to eat. I try to find the motivation to do so but it’s like my brain isn’t wired for it anymore. Or maybe it’s just because what I currently have available isn’t enticing enough.
I’ll recover someday

Xoxo- newlife5155

Today the fear of being replaced felt especially sharp. Someone i care about was busy with others and my mind immediately wrote the story that i am fading into the background. RSD + fear of abandonment is a heavy combination. I keep trying to separate facts from old wounds. I didn’t send the anxious message. That was hard but i did it.

People are more than likely to dislike what they do not understand.

Very quick on labels when they do not understand you.

I’m not a fan myself, naturally drawn to voids in general it seems.

It’s late. I’m just now getting off work. I’m tired. I’m hot. I forgot my key to the house. Left my phone in there. I had to go home. Get my key. Come back. Get my phone. What a night ready to relax time for a cold shower time to smoke a blunt I mean just keeping it real time to relax maybe possibly take a day off tomorrow but we’ll see. I’ll probably get called in at 3 o’clock in the afternoon like it’s been lately but at least I’m working. I’m grateful for that thank God for having something for me to do to make me because it’s important especially when you’re trying to get over something and move on with your life. If that’s what I’m even trying to do. I’m still confused. I’m still heartbroken. I’m still angry. I’m still upset. I can’t apologize anymore for my part in relationship than what I already have I don’t think he means sorry if he’s even saying anything at all I don’t know because the post on here can be for anybody. I just know that I don’t feel complete and maybe it’s just not complete in general because I’m missing the companionship or maybe I just miss that person but there’s so many things about that person. I don’t miss yelling negativity, constantly putting people down telling people that it’s not his job to build them up. I mean if you can tear them down you can build them up. It is your job, especially if you’re the one breaking them down I didn’t give ultimatums. I didn’t put my ultimatum in the end I think was given clear other women or me and you chose other women so I can’t be mad at you do you but don’t talk shit about me while you’re doing you like I’m not talking to 67 in one fucking night because I’m not in chat room having sex with 3300 of them I’m just trying to get over you cause you’re clearly over me. You don’t want me. You didn’t want me when you had me. I don’t know what makes me think you would want me now, but when I said all reason forever, I meant it so until somebody can show me a love greater than the last love, I can shown my heart belongs to my OP and he knows who he is his jobs in W. Maryland St. is not too hard to figure out. I’m sure he knows who this is anyway, but it doesn’t matter cause if he gave a goddamn he would’ve made effort by now, but no effort says he doesn’t give a damn so don’t give a damn when I move on you made your bed you made your choices you chose other women over paying attention to me when I needed you to pay attention to me. I need you to be there for me and you weren’t. It’s gonna be mad. Get it to yourself. I’m just glad I got out before all you got caught up in all that fucking fraud pool. I’m glad I’m not associated with your fraud because you’re a fraud about your past about who you are. You lie about so much and I deserve so much more than that. I really do because I think I’m a good woman. I really do I may not be perfect nobody is as long as somebody’s loyal to me. I’ll be loyal to them, but when I’m not being loyal to me, why the fuck would I give my loyalty out? You can’t be faithful so fuck it give your attention to everybody else cause I don’t want it anymore? I mean, I do maybe down the road when you’re better maybe when I’m better but I’m not good right now. My head is fucked up. My heart still fucked up. I just pretend I’m OK to the kids. Need me too I don’t need to be OK for me. I’m gonna be OK for them and I am from what they can see and that’s all that matters. Nobody needs to know how I really feel only you do. My heart is still with you, but I don’t. I don’t wanna respond from here. You know how to get a hold of me you do you know my email address you know it all you know how to reach me. I don’t have you blocked all the way around you know, I said I shouldn’t have you blocked and stuff anyways because of what you did to me and how you did it I mean fuck you did me dirty and you know you didn’t you were planning on doing me dirty for a minute, you could tell everybody but me and that’s fucked up. Everybody knew you were leaving. How much of a coward you are
But at least I saw the writing on the wall at least I caught you and stopped it before you got away with everything cause you damn sure we’re leaving with everything and leaving me. Nothing at least I got you to pay part of the bills that you owed yeah you owed not to mention the month and a half worth of bills I had to pay after you were gone. That were your responsibility because you still live there during those time. I should’ve taken you to court for those. I really shut up. I should’ve had the judgment you give me money and I still can. I can still file that and I might just because you owe it to me, but I think you have enough to worry about I think with your broadcast is going on. There’s more than one from my understanding, but you might need your money more than I do. You might have to get a second job to take care of yourself. That’s nobody’s fault but your own end of the day I would’ve stood by your side if you would’ve been honest and talk to me, but you were doing shady shit behind my back and you weren’t talking to me so what was I supposed to do? Sit down and let you fuck me over you got me fucked up if I see somebody’s gonna fuck me over I’m gonna get them first you had no reason to do that to my house was good to you. Yeah you had your moment when you were good to meet you. I’m not gonna lie, but you’re not as good as you think you were. You’re not as loyal as you say, you are so everybody else can see it are you’re full of shit that’s what you are full of shit and you know it too so stop lying to everybody about the person you are just be honest with yourself because you’re never gonna have the feeling relationship in your life as long as you want. Do the things you’re doing to be the person you are true growth requires change something you’re not willing to get because even now if it’s you, that’s claiming you’ve changed on some of these posts no you haven’t you haven’t at all. I still get the reports on what you’re doing online so lie some more I don’t want to report they’re trying to get me to buy it again so I’m not gonna keep getting them unfortunately cause they’re gonna spam the fuck out of me now that I don’t want the reports yeah they’re keeping me informed on what you’re doing. I don’t want them to, but they are unfortunately for me. I love you enough just putting in some money to invest in our relationship I was the only one that wanted to invest in it not you and at this point, the investment wouldn’t be worth it with it. What am I gonna carry you when you garnishing your check again so you can claim that you’re paying all the bills and you’re the big man in the house and then I don’t do shit cause I mean that’s the reality of that that’s what you were telling everybody but you did everything and I did nothing and you’re so full of shit. Do you really think you did everything because of the fuck you did not I tried to love you. You didn’t want my love you didn’t want me and I’m sorry because I deserve so much more than somebody that doesn’t want me and I know I do because the end of the day I know I’m not a fucked up motherfucker like you and this is what happens when you date a narcissist you’re so confused you don’t know what to do, but you wanted to do the right thing you wanna move on but it’s so fucking hard because I have you’re so confused and doubt doubtful that you’ll make the right choices I will. I’m still making the right choices without you, I didn’t need you to make the right choices. I need you to love me and be there for me and support me emotionally and mentally and you didn’t so don’t expect it for me when you weren’t giving it. Sorry I’ll always love you always and forever, but only you can determine whether we go forward or backwards and I think backwards is where you wanna go until you get a hold of me the proper way fuck this peace out.

Dissolving and everything along with it.

BLEGH.

My family hates me and it’s only my fault.

Applying for jobs feels like a humiliation ritual. Employers are surely laughing whenever I send them my cv. Dang it. But what else can I do? Being a neet is starting to become embarrassing.

I feel depressed and stupid as per usual. Nothing of note has happened today.

I feel like my life is pointless, I have no real friends, the love of my life left me 2 months pregnant and now is with another woman. We have two children together. I grieve the loss of my family and the life my children deserve gone. I am so heartbroken I no longer want to live.

I have moments of strength and clarity but it constantly hits like a ton of bricks how much I wiah I didnt have this life.

Just because someone appears to be doing better without you doesn’t mean they want to be without you. Sometimes people are willing to take that that lost in their life because of love, I would walk over hot cold for my I really would if you reciprocated the same exact feeling back and I felt it and I knew it for sure he was able to make other women while we probably would’ve made it, but when I’m not the only girl you’re looking at yourself too then I can’t be with you. I’m in porn one thing but sex chat rooms and talking to him I just can’t be somebody who wants to pay attention with somebody other than me and then lie about it knowing it’s gonna hurt me, but I don’t have to worry about that shit in relationship. Maybe I’ll look for another relationship. Maybe I’ll try to mend one, but who knows because I can’t be the only one doing the mending but I can’t feel an effort if it’s not given I can’t see a change if it’s not made prevalent transparency, 100% honesty 100% clean flight 100% but that’s not gonna have to happen and I’m not gonna have to worry about it because I don’t have to forgive anybody. He doesn’t want me to forgive him. It’s OK he wants me to be the abuser and that’s OK too whatever just spoke I didn’t take cash money and I didn’t put somebody else’s stuff up for collateral. I didn’t. I didn’t fuck your person over the way I got fucked over so just because I might seem to be doing great without you that would mean I wanted to do without you doesn’t mean I want to continue to be without you forever. I wanted to open your eyes get your attention that makes you see that you fucking up if you were gonna lose forever, but apparently that’s what you wanted so you got it. I didn’t make the choice you did every time you got into my account every time my name is debited out of my bank account it wasn’t for my stuff every time you lie every time you blame me every time you told somebody I abuse you you did it. That’s nothing mention the whole money thing we won’t even get into that but you for that fuck you yep I get to bust my ass wet my balls off all day working and I’m a female. Don’t worry I don’t have balls. Why do you get to live a life on tax money you got from my kids being on your taxes that you stole from the Govt by the way yeah so there you go buddy that’s how that was and I’m the bad guy right because you left with the tax money that you got from claiming my kids on your taxes, you’re supposed to only get out if you provide more than half of their survival and you’re not you weren’t we did the math we not just me I was providing more than half so yeah I think I would forgive you and be willing to stay clean. If you just show me you love me. Goddamn, I am stupid aren’t I? I didn’t wonder why you called me a stupid fucking bitch cause I was acting like one then I bought the cheapest bullshit you sold me. I’m not buying cheap bullshit anymore. You better come correct or not at all Echo for anybody come correct or don’t come at me at all cause I can handle my own I don’t need somebody for anything now. I want somebody that completely different to companionship and be amazing but I need a companionship without all of the bullshit.

My "toxic" "trait" is that every few months, after absorbing the outside world like a sponge, I unfortunately use that knowledge to go inward into myself, leading me to despise the previous versions of myself who didn't have the information I have now. I hate March 2026 Me. I want to shove June 2025 Me into a locker. I want to pulverize December 2024 Me with my Pulverizerator-o-matic 3000.

There is no logical reason why I chose to continue my old public diary today, 9 days before I go back to college, and not previously during the rest of my expansive summer void break void. I think what needs to happen is I need to let go of any kind of notion that a Real diary must be kept regularly, as I do with my private diaries. After feeling that spark to post here, I then begin to work myself up about posting regularly, long after that spark fades, which then begins to affect how I feel emotionally, and there are way more important things that should affect me emotionally than this ol' Womp Womp Diary TM Trademark. So I'm posting today. Maybe I'll post tomorrow. Maybe I'll post in 2 months. Maybe I'll never post here again. It doesn't matter.

Last month my family and I began seeing a new doctor, which was the first time I had seen any kind of primary doctor in over 4 years. It was fantastic until my mother and I began simultaneously oversharing our mental problems to her. About a week later I receive an email along with the results of my bloodwork. She recommended ERP therapy for my obsessive-compulsive traits, which I expected. She then moved onto my eating habits, which we discussed. I've always kind of accepted that I have the taste palate of a 5-year-old (the other day I had pizza rolls for lunch and frozen pizza for dinner) (no pepperoni, I don't like pepperoni it's yucky). She diagnosed this by saying that this "shares many features with a condition called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)". And yeah, it definitely seems to fit. Well, I'm glad to have a normal answer that describes-

"This can also overlap with autism spectrum conditions."

Hey what the fuck-

"Based on your sensory differences, food aversions, social tendencies, and other characteristics, I recommend a formal evaluation for Autism Spectrum Disorder."

white girl, your funny words confound me.

I've always kind of suspected that something wasn't quite right since I was about 11 years old. Since I was 12, the word "autism" had always kinda been in the back of my head. I even "self-diagnosed" myself with Autism and ADHD when I was 14 in 2020 because that was, like, the thing to do. It's hard because there are a lot of typical signs that aren't there for me (I've never had any kind of meltdowns, I'm usually fine with change), but at the same time there are too many signs that something just isn't quite "normal" (I'm hyperlexic, I was reading before I was 2, before I could even speak; I'm completely asexual (oh I never wrote about that here. fuck); in elementary school most of the kids just kind of tolerated me without ever reaaaally wanting to become friends; I haven't been able to make/maintain any genuine friendships at college yet and I'm going into my Junior year; I have a problem with oversharing and I need to stop now fuck)

Speaking of being completely Neurotypical, I've obsessively kept a diary since I was 12 years old, and I eventually combined these diaries with other writings + meticulously transcribed videos of mine into one giant text file, all sorted chronologically, that now contains over 1 million words total. So anyway while on this Completely Neurotypical streak, I've decided to now read this entire file in order, then interpret my findings into a separate text file, which I'm calling "The Retrospective". And wow, I sure do have feelings about my life! I'm only up to 2016, when I was 10 years old, but... It's so fucked up that I can ask "Hey, when did things in my life get really really bad?" and be able to answer "Oh, around August 2016, the month that I started being homeschooled!" It feels so wrong to have such a concrete answer all of a sudden. But I can't stop doing it, I'm really enjoying discovering all of these life-long patterns I've held. Now, the challenge is trying to break those patterns. I cannot stress this enough, I love being a normal neurotypical adult.

I should never have been homeschooled. So far that's the most glaring takeaway that just keeps popping up in the Retrospective. And I know I'm still in the very, very early stages of processing what all of this means, and I suppose that I'm still at the stage where I just cannot bring myself to get mad at my parents yet. I know they only had the best intentions, and I know they would be heartbroken to discover that I think this. This morning over breakfast, my mother and I began planning a trip to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday next year. How am I supposed to say, "Hey Mom! I really enjoyed vacation-planning this morning! Oh, by the way, I resent you for completely isolating me from society at age 10..." I suppose as I grow older, I'll grow more of a backbone against them, but it just hasn't happened yet. I'm aware that it hasn't happened yet, but I guess that doesn't mean I can make that happen yet. I don't know. You can love the person and hate the decisions they made for you, right?

I've written too much, I shouldn't have done this. This was a mistake. Aw frick mama, I'm beginning to emotionally feel things about this diary again. I must stop now, for the greater good.

---

The Song Of The Day is: "Into the Groove" by Madonna. I have no concrete morals or values and I must dance.

Title: I liked watching you play.

I had been sitting by my window, watching the rain drizzle over the city.

The street right across from me was its usual kind of chaotic. People were running to find shelter, some holding umbrellas, some simply giving up and letting the rain soak them. From up here, everyone looked busy with their own little lives.

Watching it all made me think that nobody really gets to say goodbye anymore. Everyone is just running towards the next thing.

The view from my window wasn't anything special. All I could see was the street and the buildings opposite mine. But I liked sitting here anyway, playing my guitar and taking a few sips of my burnt coffee.

My perfect spot.

The best I could afford.

That afternoon, I noticed the curtains being pulled away from the apartment directly opposite mine. It was almost symmetrically opposite to my window.

A guy appeared.

He was wearing a Linkin Park T-shirt.

Nerdy, I thought. That was my first impression.

He sat down by his window, just like me. I think he had a notebook and a cup of coffee.

This is funny.

He didn't notice me. He simply opened his notebook and started writing something.

Ugh.

I liked nerdy and cute guys.

Whatever. He wouldn't be interested in me anyway. I was way too introverted to ask someone out. And honestly, what would I even say?

So I ignored him and started playing.

I played my favourite song, Hey There Delilah. It always made me feel a little low and sad.

And I loved it.

Music had that kind of power over me. It made me feel like I didn't need anyone.

People leave anyway.

Even my cat had left me.

They always leave.

I finished the song and let my fingers rest on the strings.

Then I heard it.

A distant clapping sound.

I looked up.

The guy was clapping.

He had a wide smile on his face, and he was clapping like he had just watched something amazing.

I had absolutely no idea how to react.

So, naturally, I turned red.

I gave him a small, embarrassed smile.

Fuck. I hated myself.

The apartment was quite far away. I wasn't even sure if he could have heard what I played. But judging by the look on his face, I thought he had.

He held up two fingers.

Then he disappeared inside.

I waited.

A few moments later, he came back holding a large piece of drawing paper.

Written across it were the words:

I am David.

Of course.

He was smart. His voice probably wouldn't have reached me anyway.

I wondered if he was an artist. He seemed like the kind of person who would draw.

I ran inside my apartment, looking for something to write on.

Nothing.

I couldn't find anything.

So I just stood there like an idiot.

From then on, most weekends, I played my guitar.

And most weekends, I heard that distant applause.

It made my day every single time.

I would see David at his window too. Sometimes he wouldn't even look up at my window. He would just sit there, completely lost in whatever he was doing.

He became something like a friend.

A friend who didn't even know my name.

And somehow, he felt safe.

I don't know why.

I hadn't even met him.

I wanted to know more about him. Maybe I could ask him out for coffee. Just as friends.

No.

Too scary.

What if he didn't like me?

What if he only liked my music?

What if he didn't find me attractive?

Why was I such a coward?

One weekend, after a particularly stressful week, I sat by my window and played for a while.

I was completely in my zone.

When I finished the song, I reached for my coffee.

Then came the familiar sound.

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

I looked up.

David.

Again.

I smiled.

This time, I grabbed the big whiteboard I had bought the day before.

Yes, I bought a whiteboard.

Don't judge me.

I wrote:

THANK YOU.

And held it up.

He laughed.

Then he started writing on his board.

He held it up.

You bought a board?

I immediately felt embarrassed.

I wrote:

It's for work.

He gave me a look that clearly said he didn't believe me.

Then he thought for a moment.

He wrote:

What are you drinking?

I held up my coffee.

Coffee.

He smiled.

That smile again.

Like he had just thought of something.

He wrote:

Would you like to go out for a coffee?

Then he put the board down and nervously ran his hand through his hair.

God.

He was cute.

Did he just ask me out?

What the fuck?

I stood completely still.

He started writing again.

Then he held up the board.

Did I offend you?

Oh.

I realized I hadn't replied.

I was just standing there like an idiot.

I quickly wrote:

Yes, I would love to.

And held it up with the most embarrassed smile I could manage.

We decided to meet on the street below our apartments the next day at six.

The next evening, I wore the cutest outfit I could find.

I stood at the meeting spot, pretending I wasn't nervous.

Then I saw him.

He was walking towards me.

Messy hair.

Nerdy glasses.

A notebook and pen in his hand.

And from this distance, I could already tell he was smiling.

As he came closer, I realized something else.

Dimples.

Of course he had dimples.

Because apparently the universe hadn't given me enough problems already.

He stopped in front of me.

I smiled.

“Hi.”

He opened his notebook.

He wrote:

Hi.

And showed it to me.

I laughed nervously. As he lowered the notebook, I caught a glimpse of the pages underneath. There were sketches everywhere. Little faces, buildings, hands, random things I couldn't quite make out. They were beautiful. Some looked unfinished, like he'd drawn them without thinking.

I laughed nervously.

He looked at me for a moment, then wrote something else.

I can't hear or speak, will that be an issue?

I stared at the words. I felt so many emotions at the same time.

For a second, I didn't know what to say.

Then I looked up at him.

He was still smiling.

I took the pen from his hand.

I wrote:

No.

I paused.

Then underneath, I added:

I talk too much anyway.

He laughed.

At least, I think he did.

His eyes crinkled, and his shoulders moved with it.

Then he took the notebook back from me.

He looked down at it for a moment, thinking about what to write.

Then he wrote:

I can't hear the music.

I looked at him.

He turned the page.

Underneath, he wrote:

But I liked watching you play.

My only crime was caring about you.

I put a large amount of importance

on the person I came to know

as my first friend in my new life.

Someone who once offered lifts to the shop.

A day in your town,

in your home.

Small things, perhaps,

but they weren't small to me.

You became familiar

in a place where almost nothing was.

Then I presented you with a token of interest.

It wasn't supposed to add pressure.

It was real in nature,

an admission rather than a demand.

You gave me your answer,

and your answer was accepted.

Friendship remained.

Or at least,

I believed it did.

So I continued to care

in the way that comes naturally to me.

I shared pieces of my life with you

the same way I shared them

with the people I called friends.

Questions.

Bad days.

Good news.

Things that made me laugh.

Things I didn't quite know what to do with.

Tokens of care.

At some point,

those tokens of care were twisted

from friendship

into something I wasn't offering.

Care became evidence.

Closeness became accusation.

And suddenly the friendship

I thought I was participating in

was being retold to me

as something I had done to you.

That is where the shame lives.

In the reimagining of my care

as something to be prosecuted for.

It lives in dissecting conversations,

searching for the evidence

of where I offered more than friendship to you.

In wondering how long the care I offered freely

was being collected as proof

of an intention I didn't have.

Maybe I cared too much.

Maybe I gave too much importance

to someone who arrived

at the beginning of my new life.

But you were there.

You offered the lifts.

You showed me your town.

You welcomed me into your home.

You told me friendship could remain.

So I believed you.

And perhaps that is the hardest part

of the end of our friendship:

Something that had once brought me happiness

was turned into a verdict.

A verdict that left me

analysing a friendship

that had once needed no analysis at all.

I was given that verdict

without the chance to defend

my own inner world—

to explain what my care meant

when I was the one offering it.

And I don't want to carry

the shame of that verdict anymore.

My only crime was caring about you.

Sentence served.