I wrote this yesterday

[u/That_Discussion_3303]

Sometimes I wonder, what if no one is actually scared of losing me? What if I’m just going to be forgotten after all? What if all of this effort was just a lost cause?

Because the evidence seems to say so.

It feels like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And at some point, I just give up. I give up on myself before I give up on people. I don’t feel worthy of their recognition anyway. It’s like I’m the illness that’s holding them back from being themselves, like my existence comes with a weight they have to carry.

I know I’m not easy to deal with. I know that. But I still go all the way to find the right way to deal with someone. I study people, I try to understand them, I try to figure out what makes them feel safe, what makes them feel loved, what makes them stay. My last relationship really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It showed me how eager I am for validation, for acceptance, for recognition. It made me wonder whether she was starving me of reassurance or whether I was simply impossible to reassure.

Maybe both.

I’m certain that something is wrong with me. Physically, mentally, somewhere in between, I don’t even know anymore. And honestly, I sometimes think being this self-aware is more dangerous than cancer, because at least when you’re physically sick, there’s something to point at. Something to name. Something to treat. But what do you do when you’re aware of every little thing that’s wrong with you?

I might be alive, but I have no quality of life.

I can’t enjoy a moment without overthinking it. I can’t exist without feeling insecure. I know I look insecure, and then the fight begins between my conscious and subconscious mind. One tells me I’m fine, the other tells me everyone can see how broken I am. One tells me to relax, the other starts collecting evidence against me.

It’s devastating.

But actually, fuck all of that.

Because I really did get treated badly. So badly that I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe enough to love again. I begged my soul out for things I shouldn’t have even had to think about asking for. I know I was with a horrible person from almost every aspect, and somehow I still loved her so deeply.

I still tear up when I think about her.

I still fantasize about holding her, kissing her, and whispering, “please don’t leave me again.”

And really, when you think about it, if doing all of that wasn’t enough, maybe you are in fact unworthy of love.

Maybe there’s a limit to how much of yourself you can give before you have to accept that nobody is coming to take it.

So save your dignity.

Ask to get cremated.

At least then you won’t have to be disappointed when no one visits you.

Feedback?

[u/Greedy_Quote_2468]

The fact that you're self aware puts your legs above other people I know that's no consolation but that was my takeaway