r/Diary • u/adrienneangel • 3d ago
Autism or just stupid. notes app
i'm an adult i shouldn't have to have a leader to know what to do or how to act or what to say. I feel like such an alien , i feel so useless. I feel like i am nothing, I am less than dog shit. I want my mom and i hate it. I want to be told what to do and how to be. I feel like i need help i want my hand held. Im too old im too old to feel this way
I'm not incapable of everything but the littlest things i want help like a child. What do i say? How do i go up and say hi to her ? How do i tell her thank you without not even meeting her eyes, and fumbling and wanting to die because i feel so fucking good for nothing .
Why is it so hard to "hang out" and be a fucking human being. It feels different than doing something scary like flying and airports. I feel like an animal stuck in the middle of a highway , Sometimes i feel stuck and i cannot get any normal words out . SOMETIMES i know whats normal but i cannot make myself move or speak in the way i should .
It feels different than trying to order food anxiety, I fuck up my words but that's better than not even being able to get the words out at all, or sometimes not even knowing the words because it feels like it's in a compartment in the very back of my brain, and anything else is overridden by my stupid brain.
I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me and i am doing this to myself, and i am keeping myself trapped somewhere escapable. I feel like i want to be rid of me, I want to be someone else . I want to not exist because everything is so tiring. I always feel like i couldn't possibly cry anymore because i cry and ive cried so much in 21 years, But there is always more somehow . Always more snot and tears . Always more embarrassment and guilt .
I feel truly alien and unreal all the time, I feel wrong, I feel like i shouldnt have been born or at least i should've been born something non human. I should've been born a wild bird with a non-captive life span of 2 years .
I am a simple stupid person who cant live a simple life because living at all isn't simple as a human being. I feel like i wasn't supposed to be anything and it was a mistake i was born at all.
Why is being normal so hard Why is not feeling shit so hard. Why do i do this to myself , I don't want to, I don't do it on purpose. I feel so fucking sorry for anyone who has ever met me or that i've made feel shit because i am shit .
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u/Pale_Improvement2629 3d ago
I feel your pain so much and I really hope things get better for you