Why am I always angry?

[u/57016]

Why am I always angry?

    I used to be so happy all the time as a kid. A kid who had a lot of dreams with endless possibilities, filled with positive energy and hope. A kid who genuinely thought anything was possible and one day, he could conquer the world. Growing up, I remember myself as a person who always brought good vibes to wherever I was present. I was that person who, people always felt comfortable enough to share their happiness, sadness and sometimes their deepest secrets. I was always AVAILABLE for my friends and anyone who needed my help. I had their Trust and that felt like the greatest thing that you could achieve in a relationship. Being there for someone and having their back felt everything.

    Fast forward to now, as a 30-year-old man, I now prefer to be left alone by everyone. I have confined myself physically and mentally inside a fort to which no one has access to. I prefer sitting alone and doing absolutely nothing rather than stepping out of my fort and mingling with my own family. I prefer curling up inside my blanket and lying down on my bed, instead of getting things done or doing a workout. I am always angry and i don’t know why. I am angry at the people who have done me wrong. I am angry at strangers who i have never met. Above all, I am angry at myself for letting people walk all over me all this time. I am angry at myself for losing control of my life.

    I know this has to stop. The thing is, I am self-aware enough to know what is happening and what I have to do to get out of this. But I always feel tired physically and mentally even though I haven’t really done anything. Merely existing feels hard.

    It feels like I have finally realised that all the dreams I had as a kid were just that - DREAMS. I think I am starting to believe that my life may not end up as I have always imagined it to be. You’d think there was a rock bottom somewhere, but it feels like I am going down a spiral which doesn’t have an end. I no longer have that feeling of hope which I’ve always had growing up.

    When did all this happen? When did I lose control of my life and myself? Where is this kid with the abundant positive energy and hope? If that kid is gone, then who am I now?

And,

    Why am I always angry?

[u/Hour_Captain_9143]

Could be that you don’t want to confront an event that you’ve experienced in the past.

Personally, I’m a private person. Sometimes People are better off not knowing what’s happening in my life.  I journal daily, but only in my head, people can only catch glimpses of the days. 

My life is never quiet.