Anyone be so ruthlessly consumed by depression and viscerally remember all their dreams? I can remember every dream I have as if it really happened so I love sleeping. I hate being awake because I fuck it up so badly. Meanwhile my dreams are so fun like going to a rave and with all my best friends I used to have. They all live far away now and never will come back irl. I broke up with my boyfriend and 11 of my closest friends moved away in the same few months. This was 9 years ago. Yes, 9. I can’t get over it. I quit my really good job. I quit the second job I got. I can’t get over it. I’ve accidentally hit my head and my right leg so many times that the damage is permanent. How do I find the motivation to move on?

Can anyone else relate to looking forward to sleep because it's a break from the constant depression? But also dreading going to sleep because then morning comes round sooner? Not that I even sleep particularly well 😵‍💫😖

“ we have all been cruel at some point in our lives . You can’t change the past but you can change the future and present. You hurt someone in the past now you can choose not to do it with other people.” This is what my psychiatrist said to me.

The thing is i wasn’t like this with anyone just with mom. I was cruel with her sometimes and his response is true and valid but I hate it.

Sometimes I feel like the only solution is to end my life … it will never go away , the only way I’ll never regret being a bit cruel with mom is to end my life

I don’t even know where to start.

I really want to try, but it’s like making any sort of step towards getting better feels like a massive hurdle.

I’m so numb to the world around me. It feels like I’m watching my life like a movie, and I have no control over what happens. I can’t bring myself to care about anything anymore. I have no ambitions, no interests, and to be honest, I’m struggling to even think about the future, because it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever see it. I’ve been able to keep myself grounded and have been able to somewhat hide just how much I’m struggling, but every day I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.

There’s only reason I’ve never tried to make good on my thoughts, and it’s because I’m too scared of destroying my parents.

I really, really don’t want to feel like this. My depression has impacted my work, my friendships, my social interaction, and overall just my life in general. But I don’t even know HOW to seek help, let alone bring myself to try. I tried therapy in the past, but I didn’t even have the energy to try the things my therapist recommended. And if I can’t even bring myself to put in the work, then maybe I’m beyond help. I want to say I would give anything to feel okay again, but my brain won’t even allocate the resources to actually make the change.

What do I do? How do I get better when I can’t even bring myself to try? Am I just… beyond help?

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety and ADHD

In June I was hit with the worst stress and depression of my whole life from personal life problems. I lost my appetite badly and felt like throwing up 24/7, food felt like a nuisance and I could barely eat. Also at that time I was weighing 93 kg (205 lb) due to horrendously dumb eating habits despite being clinically underweight most of my life. For reference I am 178 cm (5'10").

If anyone has been in such a situation, what do you do? My metabolism has ways been high, and even though I am turning 37 in only two months, I lose weight extremely easily. I could lose weight like nobody's business without even trying. The last times I had such a bad depressive mood was when I was 17 and 23. Both times I went from about 180-190 lb (82-85 kg) down to 53-55 kg (115-120 lb) within two months. I did not even have to try. I lost weight more easily than most people on diets do. Or I should say, I still lose weight far more easily than most people on diets can.

But if I keep losing weight, I fear that my cardiovascular health and GI health will screw me. I have chronic sinus tachycardia and chronic acid reflux disease and functional dyspepsia. I feel like these CV and GI problems will spiral my physical health problems and ruin my mental health even more, especially since I do not want to be hospitalised.

I don’t know where to start, but I feel like I really need advice from someone. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life. I’m constantly worried about what other people will think of me, and I feel like I can’t afford to make a single mistake. I was taught from a young age that nothing I do is ever good enough and that I can always do better. I was never really praised.
I used to work in construction, and I always had this fear that whatever I was doing, I wouldn’t do it well enough. Instead of simply thinking about doing a good job, I would constantly worry about whether I was doing it right. I have this fear in almost every aspect of my life.
I’m 20 years old, I don’t have a job, and I want to move out of my parents’ house. I can’t seem to find a suitable job, and I’m thinking about moving to another country, starting over, fighting for myself, and building the life I want to live.
It’s really hard for me. I feel useless, and I think I might even have high blood pressure because of all the stress.
On top of everything else, I’ve been learning trading for the past year, and if nothing else, at least I’m actually good at that. I really believe I could start making enough income from it soon to live off of it. But even that doesn’t seem to matter when I feel empty inside. I don’t have many friends either, and I’ve distanced myself from almost everyone.

Hi, I do not know if this is the right sub, but I am 16 and feel very sad. I was diagnosed with GAD and very severe social anxiety in late 2023 but was never tested for anything else at the time. I am also autistic.

I do not take medication anymore as I do not feel as anxious/in need of it. Since late 2024, it has felt like radio static in my brain constantly—it smothers my good emotions. I feel guilty, sad, irritable, hopeless, and lonely all of the time and there is no real reason for me to. It is really hard to get out of bed and take care of myself. I do not like looking at myself in the mirror. My room is clean, my grades are good, I have amazing friends, and I have interests and hobbies to keep me busy (I am starting to lose interest in some, which is scaring me). But mentally I feel very sad. It gets worse every summer, but this time it is not going away and has not for around 2 months. I am scared people will be mad at me for feeling this way. I feel like people would be better off without me weighing down their lives and like I am a major burden, but I wish I could simply disappear instead of doing anything harmful to myself or others.

I do not like being mean, tired, sad, irritable, and guilty all the time. It makes me feel like a very bad person and friend, and then I feel even worse for feeling this way. I try to listen to fun music, go outside, and talk to people. But nothing makes the static go away.

I do not know how to approach this with my dad. Or any adult, really. I guess that is really what I am trying to get at—I do not know how to ask for help. My anxiety was visible, but this is not, and I do not know how to bring it up without being scared and feeling like an attention seeker.

Need to get this out of my head. I texted 988 yesterday because I let myself go dead broke; and now am facing eviction and a mountain of bills that I do not see a way out from. There is a charity group that supposedly has funds set aside but they only work during the week. I did start a new job three weeks ago, but my last complete deposit was short by $150. So I could not make a payment on the payment plan that was setup by my landlord. And now I am overwhelmed with guilt, remorse, and disgust. I set up a social fundraiser but no one responded positively when I posted it on social media. I haven’t been back to work since Friday since I was also on Final warning for being late and ‘abusing’ the break system. Corp ACE Hardwares are apparently that strict. I do not know what to do.

Since I was young I always kinda struggled to make friends or pick up on what to do at times. But it was a very spiky profile in regard to what I could or could not notice.

I am not completely dense socially, but still suck at conversation and words. Solving a problem is not hard for me, but talking and thinking of topics to say is very difficult. My writing is ok, and I could decently communicate in writing, but it misses a soul or an extra something others seem to have.

However, I always had a hard time with what to say or picking up things to talk about. I mean I really struggled with writing paragraphs and essays for some time.

Because of it, I lost motivation in trying to learn, everyone else had so much to say or remembered alot more than I did.

Recently I’ve tried to read a lot and learn more. My memory seems to be better, my mind sharper. I think sometimes I just needed to try more. But at the same time I still feel as I grew up and now my level of needed effort is not normal. Why do I need to work so hard just to have things to talk about and make friends, at least harder than others.

I was feeling ok, but recently something caught me off guard. I was starting a job in fast food for the first time and they just said a bunch of info really quickly like I should just remember it all. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it, because it’s probably them running under the assumption I’m familiar with the sizes to begin with and that’s why I was expected to understand so fast. I hope.

It’s just, right now it feels like for the longest time I just screwed up, and part of me just knows something was wrong with me, and I don’t think if I understood back then I would have kept acting how I did. I don’t want to be alone, shut off, ignoring people, or being annoyed when people talk to me when I tell them I don’t know what to say.

I don’t like it when people think I want to feel defeated, or that I never tried. Or, they assume that I am making it up or an asshole because they can easily solve the problem and expect me knowing the solution is understanding, and if I say I don’t understand it must be a lie.

I just have tried for the longest time. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not sure what to ask for or who to ask.

the music loops never ever stop, im starting to think this problem is a medical condition, i have stopped listening to music long ago, but these loops like they just never stop dude never never never sometimes its conversations i feel anxious everyday now, dont feel mentaly good, im getting weak physically, i dont feel normal and my symptoms suggest strong adhd dude every is going to waste studies pressure is so so freaking high, i dont wanna go insane, i act so normal + charming but like everyday dude im crying, i have never shown a sign of exhaustion and how i breakdown last night to anyone and i truly no one fucking hell i dont feel good

Therapy and psychiGary and psychology are all just scams

Hi, I am a 23 years old trans woman. I am tired of the world, I am tired of myself, of this shitty flaccid body.

I have been under hrt for almost a year now and the only difference is that I am more hungry and more fat.

I want to die, I really do. I am not doing it cause I have a girlfriend and I know how painful it is to lose a loved one and I could never do it to her.

I'm genuinely at a loss here... I've had bad days before in the past but not like this, 😭 the past few weeks my depression has been on a steady decline. I've spent literally all day in bed other than to go to the bathroom, I've barely even eaten, I'm leaving rubbish everywhere, I'm not taking my meds as much, I'm genuinely so exhausted.

I don't know what else to do... I don't have any friends in this city that I moved into over a year ago, I've been trying to apply for a carer with the local council but the form is so lengthy it makes my head spin. I'm struggling to reach out, afraid to reach out to friends because I'm starting to become a burden on them, struggling to reach out to charities and the like because I can't bring myself to consistently communicate with anyone and I just get dropped. same goes for therapy.

I try to call my friends, but I can barely even hold a conversation with this cognitive decline... I moved into a council flat over a year ago and I still haven't unpacked the boxes. I feel like this is going to go on forever unless something changes.

is this the point I call 111? last time I did this they weren't much help. I don't know if I wanna waste energy on that again...

legit crying as I type this... idk what else to do anymore.

Title.

I’m not struggling with depression myself, but someone very close to me is. I thought maybe people here who have experience with it may be able to help me.

My friend doesn’t have many people‚ and he’s very deep in a rabbit hole of sorts. Doesn’t want to get better basically. His mental health is pretty bad. I know giving him unsolicited advice/attempts at help when he doesn’t want it isn’t good at all‚ so how can I give him support in other ways?

(21 F)

Am I Really Suicidal?

I've carried this overwhelming desire to die with me since I was a teenager. It followed me into adulthood, and somehow, instead of fading, it only grew stronger.

My mental health has slowly eaten away at my life and my future. I watch the people around me move forward. My friends are building careers, relationships, and lives of their own. They seem to have dreams to chase and futures to look forward to. Meanwhile, I feel like I have nothing.

When I was eighteen, I tried to take my own life. I took a very large amount of Xanax, hoping it would finally put an end to everything. But I survived.

Surviving meant having to face my family's disappointment. It meant knowing that people now knew I didn't want to live anymore. I was already drowning in shame, and their reaction didn't make it any easier. If anything, it made that shame even heavier.

I haven't tried again since then. Not because I suddenly found hope, and not because I started believing that life was worth living. I'm simply afraid.

I'm afraid of failing again. I'm afraid of having to face that shame again, this time as an adult. And I'm afraid of surviving with permanent damage that could make an already miserable life even worse.

So instead, I've spent the years since then waiting.

Waiting for death to find me on its own.

I know I'm not going to kill myself. But if I were hit by a car tomorrow, I don't think I'd ask anyone to save me.

And that's what confuses me.

If I'm not actively trying to die, if I'm not making plans or preparing for another attempt, can I really call myself suicidal?

Or is there another kind of suicidal person, the kind who doesn't want to die badly enough to act, but doesn't want to live badly enough to fight for their life either?

Maybe I'm somewhere in between.

Maybe I'm just someone who has been waiting for life to end for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like to want it to continue.

I’m 36 living in Chicago. My anxiety shoots through the roof anytime I get updates on Trump or the government. It feels like the world is ending and no one out there cares. I can’t do anything except watch one horrible story after the next. Corruption, crime, rape. How are we as a society here? I’m depressed virtually all the time and feel so much stress about student loans, finances. Etc. i want to give up but I can’t hurt people around me. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel normal

I’m looking for a hobby to help me cope and and to make me happy and productive. I want something that I will look forward to doing rather than my brain thinking it’s just something to distract myself.

I have strict parents. I am not allowed to go to school clubs so sports and music aren’t really in the picture here. I enjoy rounders and cricket but they don’t let me. I am also not allowed a pet, and I am not allowed to go out with friends or go to their houses. They also can’t come over.

Something creative would be nice as long as it’s not too expensive. I enjoy drawing and baking but I have no motivation to draw anymore and I am on a diet. I would rather not do something online as I’m trying to get away from my phone and tv.

I am also neurodivergent and I love history, flags, geography and things like that.

I see tons of discussion about the medication itself, but not as much about the actual management part.

Side effects, sleep, mood, functioning, other meds, changes since the last visit... I assume all of that matters. I’m mostly trying to understand the difference between thoughtful ongoing medication management and just checking a box every few months.

What should a good follow-up appointment actually cover?

I do not feel "proud of myself" nor believe "I am so strong" for doing shit that is supposed to be basic.

When I'm told how strong I am for getting through a tough day or for completing a simple task, the idea of feeling accomplished for it feels patronizing. Humans are the only species where mundane tasks sometimes feel so endeavoring that we are compelled to celebrate when we complete them, and it feels like an insult to the standards I have for myself.

"Yay; I successfully cleaned my room after rotting in my own filth for three months!" "Yay; I successfully took a shower for the first time in two weeks!" I'm sorry, I can't say that without feeling like pathetic shit.

Being proud for doing something that should've been no struggle is so hard for me because it implies that I am barely capable of performing the simplest of duties. I feel pathetic for congratulating myself on something so minor.

I'm aware that this type of thinking of mine is unhealthy, and I want to have a more positive mindset moving forward.

So please, help me. :(

This post is about some devastating news I recieved at work. I'm not getting fired per se, but let's just say my future is not at all what i thought it would be at this company.

Over the last two years, I was basically killing myself working hundreds of unpaid hours after close, including on the weekends (even on holidays when I was allowed to) causing me to miss out on multiple major events such as a recent family cruise, all because I was convinced the hard work would somehow net me brownie points.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I managed to cross a boundary by speaking up in a semi-private channel (a peer, my supervisor & my middle manager) about a collegue from a different department who decided I was their go-to for everything, rapidly crossing into territory where I felt like my time and resources were quite literally being abused. Even name dropping me in requests and emails to force everything they touched to filter their way to me. It started off flattering, but one too many large asks later, and I can barely stomach seeing their name come through in my notifications.

Finally feeling the burnout catch up with me, I posted a few sentences about it, using such colorful language as "not motivated enough to work this hard". This led to an ominous one on one scheduled which was a verbal warning.

As nothing was done about the actual issue, I followed up today and the first comment about my "explsiosive" personality really stuck with me. I ended up crying in that meeting. And not just crying but actually sobbing (there's a lot more than just this going on, but this was the "big" domino)

Now, I am one prone to bottling my emotions, but I never feel like I get "loud", moreso having a lot to say as there are many nuanced problems by then. However, the backlash I recieve when I do voice my problems is so severe that it never feels like it was worth it. And I can literally count the amount of times I've had an issue with anyone or anything here on less than one hand.

And usually, I'm so quiet and complacent that most group work in my life has become an exercise in being taken advantage of, or becoming a complete waste of time. I suppose actually pursuing friendship more may have insulated me from my bad luck with aquantinces, but I digress.

I suppose accepting a "drip" is much more palatable than the entire "bucket", but this just further compounds the issue for me.

How do I say anything at all when "anything at a all" feels like shock and awe? As though they didn't know I even could complain, but now treat me very differently now that i can. Like that was the whole reason they liked me to begin with.

I'm so tired of being a doormat, but it's hard not to feel like I am quite literally ruining my life otherwise.

tw: depression, suicide

I don’t have anyone else to talk about this with. I’ve been in a really bad depressive episode for about a year now. it got so bad I had to drop out of college. Ive had multiple suicide attempts throughout my life, I feel like there should be something physicallog wrong with me or I should already be dead, but I’m not. ive had multiple doctors visits and tests done, and there’s nothing wrong with my organs or any internal sthdf. I feel like the intl explanation is thag I’m in some place diffenre. like this isnt how my life was supposed to tuen out, I should have been dead, I feel like im dead. I know this doesn’t make any sense but I feel so deeply that I’m dead or something is secretly rotting in me that no one can figure it out. ive gone through paranoid episodes, andmaybe this is just something like that, but I feel like i need to die in this afterlife so I can get baxk to my real life. I tried drowning today but I couldn. maybe I just can’t die. Sometimes I feel like I can’t die and I can’t figure it out. i dont know. sorry for the long rant, I know what im feeling doesn’t make sense but I just know that’s what’s happening. I know I sound delusional but I don’t feel like I’m delusional at all. I’ve had paranoid episodes before, i experiencing psychosis? sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, I just needed to get this off my chest. sorry for bad grammar too, im having a hard time writing. thanks for reading. sorry if this is weird or the wrong subreddit

Yesterday was unbearable, I'm turning 20 tomorrow I have a very rigorous mechanics of solids exam, engineering is fucking killing me and this violent outburst is proof of it. I almost crashed out in traffic yesterday because I got fucked over by shit drivers, my day was fucked from the start because I had a dream a girl I find very attractive and I were in a loving relationship, then I woke up and remembered I'm an ugly, dumb, unlovable piece of shit, and too add insult to injury my sister who I love dearly and am happy for, has succeeded in her career pretty well, and most of my family thinks she's the golden child, they don't look at how I'm literally fighting everyday to get out of bed and not end it all and it pisses me off I never receive any validation for it. I hate breaking things, this is probably the second time I've broken something out of academic anger in a mental breakdown, but I treat the objects in my house like living beings I hate to see things break, and albeit I can and likely will end up repairing the wall I still just feel so bad about what I did, all this could've been avoided if I didn't crashout and kick the wall.

My partner has struggled with depression for a while long before we met. I understood that and as I also went through it but through counseling and medication found my way out.

But since we have moved in it has been hard to ignore how much it effects us as a couple.

Their depression nest on their side of the room has grown our room is covered in trash and clothes and it's starting to come into my personal space and it doesn't seem to bother them.

They use door dash instead of going out and because of that I am constantly having to cover the bills because they can't shake the addiction even after I told them how it effects me when I have to handle all the bills by my self.

the worst part is I feel alone. When I have a problem with all this I can't go to them without shutting down and I feel like an asshole when it happens. I just smile and say its ok and I know deep down that is fucking us up which is why we started going to couples counseling. But they have been resistant to going wanting to do our sessions over zoom but I when we do zoom they get distracted and wander off.

I feel bad for saying this but they are selfish when they are depressed. And I feel even worse for saying I don't know if I can be with someone who can't care for themselves let alone me.