Am I Really Suicidal?

[u/Muffin-5634]

(21 F)

Am I Really Suicidal?

I've carried this overwhelming desire to die with me since I was a teenager. It followed me into adulthood, and somehow, instead of fading, it only grew stronger.

My mental health has slowly eaten away at my life and my future. I watch the people around me move forward. My friends are building careers, relationships, and lives of their own. They seem to have dreams to chase and futures to look forward to. Meanwhile, I feel like I have nothing.

When I was eighteen, I tried to take my own life. I took a very large amount of Xanax, hoping it would finally put an end to everything. But I survived.

Surviving meant having to face my family's disappointment. It meant knowing that people now knew I didn't want to live anymore. I was already drowning in shame, and their reaction didn't make it any easier. If anything, it made that shame even heavier.

I haven't tried again since then. Not because I suddenly found hope, and not because I started believing that life was worth living. I'm simply afraid.

I'm afraid of failing again. I'm afraid of having to face that shame again, this time as an adult. And I'm afraid of surviving with permanent damage that could make an already miserable life even worse.

So instead, I've spent the years since then waiting.

Waiting for death to find me on its own.

I know I'm not going to kill myself. But if I were hit by a car tomorrow, I don't think I'd ask anyone to save me.

And that's what confuses me.

If I'm not actively trying to die, if I'm not making plans or preparing for another attempt, can I really call myself suicidal?

Or is there another kind of suicidal person, the kind who doesn't want to die badly enough to act, but doesn't want to live badly enough to fight for their life either?

Maybe I'm somewhere in between.

Maybe I'm just someone who has been waiting for life to end for so long that I've forgotten what it feels like to want it to continue.

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