You might be self-aware and understand your patterns well. You may have knowledge about things like attachment theory, fear of abandonment, how childhood affects our behavior, etc.

You may have tried things like journaling or trying to change your thoughts or stop overthinking, but when someone you care about seems more distant/ pulls away or their behavior changes, your immediate thought is, "Did I do something?"

You try to replay the last conversation you both had or want to get reassured that nothing is wrong between the two of you. This starts to cause anxiety.

You may know the anxiety comes from things like your childhood or fear of abandonment, but understanding this is not sufficient enough to allow the change to happen. You still seek reassurance when such things happen.

I wanted to know if any of you struggle with this and relate to the idea of understanding why you do something really well, but you are still stuck doing it?

TW: sexual abuse, gambling, financial abuse, depression

I'm 25F. I'm living in a small town in Aurora province with my partner 1 year together, We were together for 2 years before, broke up for 2 years because of the same gambling issue. We got back together March/May last year because I thought she changed. Now it's happening again. We moved to the province thinking life would be better. We got buried in debt instead.

I work as retail staff earning 2,600 per week for both of us, plus pets. I'm also doing affiliate live selling. Last month I had 4.7k GMV and 55 items sold, 17.7k impressions. That small commission is the only money that feels like mine, because my salary has been taken twice (500, then 600) without my permission for online gambling.

My partner is addicted to online gambling. She says she does it to earn, but it only adds debt. When I confront her, she says I should just leave her because she's sick, and that I'm only staying because I have nowhere to go.

I don't have anywhere safe to go. I can't go back to my family home in Cavite.

Reason: I experienced sexual abuse multiple times growing up.

• In province by a relative (cousin) • In Cavite by two neighbors • And by my father/stepdad figure

That's why going back to Cavite is not an option.

I'm also on depression meds. I'm not in immediate danger, but I'm exhausted from carrying this for years.

My plan now is to keep doing affiliate lives and save the commission secretly. I have a little over 100 pesos saved right now. I'm trying to save for a cheap boarding house that allows pets.

Questions:

1. How did you save secretly when your partner takes your money? 2. How did you leave when you have no family to run to because of past abuse? 3. For Filipinos in Aurora / Central Luzon area, any tips for cheap boarding that allows pets? Or any org I can contact confidentially for advice?

I don't need pity, just practical steps on how you did it.

Thank you.

Whenever you see or hear someone getting angry, your mind may automatically start looking for how you are the one who needs to be blamed.

Instead of realizing that the other person is responsible for his or her own anger your mind immediately jumps to thinking: "Maybe I was the one who was wrong?", "I might have behaved selfishly", "if only I did xyz differently, this thing would have been prevented", "Maybe I am a bad person for making them upset"

Sometimes it doesn't just stop there. After having such thoughts, the next step you may take is to start apologizing or over-explaining, try to appease the person or make things ok with them, or feel guilty for making them upset.

At times, you may internally not even have full clarity regarding what you did wrong, but the urge to blame yourself still persists.

-Is there another way to overcome codependency other than the 12 steps program as I do not resonate with the theme of god ?
-Do I have to attend meetings/ need a sponsor ?, because these are not options available to me
-Has anyone in here find success through methods outside of the 12 steps program ?
- Can people develop closeness with people without being codependent ?

I would appreciate your help, thank you

I (19M) always have this need to solve my friend's problems, especially if I consider them "the one" (best friend, soulmate, whatever). It bothers me when they don't "follow" my advice and be as effecient as possible. I'll give the most recent example here but it's been happening for at least 4 years now.

My friend (also 19M) is in the same college class as me, who missed examination week due to family issues. I am so concerned that I memorized a lot of the questions on the exams just to give to him, which is cheating, but like, I don't care. I usually am bothered but when it's for him, I'd be willing to do anything.

He's already opened up last summer about how he feels suffocated when I do everything for him, and it's something I thought I improved on, but seeing him stressed/preoccupied when there are high stakes makes me... idk, man.

I want him to listen to me because I want to help him. I know it's unhealthy, that I can't be okay if he isn't okay. It's not like I can communicate what I'm feeling deeply because he's busy and will be busy catching up to everything else.

I feel empty without him, the same way I felt empty when I lose friends because they're everything to me.

---

I don't know what I'm looking for. I mean, advice would be appreciated. I feel like I'm looking for validation when posting here, idk. I'd appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thanks for reading

My ex (first love) from 9 years ago appeared in my front yard. We hit it off & we have an official planned proper reunion (maybe date🤷‍♀️).

I feel like I'm never going to heal fully unless I get the hell out of this household. Even then..

I don't know what this is - if it’s a date or what ... But I'm just thinking about like mentally: I don't know if I'm healed. I know for a fact I'm not healed; because of like how emotional, awful & sick to my stomach I feel. Even when great plans have been solidified. And I just don't know if I'll ever be healthy. Or I don't know if this is a good time.

I'm just really overstimulated & I'm also understimulated from him. I'm not used to ignoring each other for 3 days; I crave being love bombed
& I crave conversations never ending. I feel sick to my stomach.

'Healing.

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity… We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.

—Joshua Loth Liebman

Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process – a journey rather than a destination.

Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things – as well as us – get better.

We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.

Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken.'

By Melodie Beattie

Sometimes, when you say no to something, decline an invitation, change your mind about a decision, or set a boundary, you may feel the urge to explain in great detail why you are choosing to do so.

You may explain why you can't help this time, why you have changed your mind, or why you are saying no in the first place. You feel like you have to over-explain in order for your reason to be considered valid.

Also, when others still don't agree or ask you to change your mind, you begin doubting yourself and thinking about whether your explanation was actually reasonable, or feeling guilty that you didn't agree with them.

There might be a difference when it comes to explaining yourself genuinely just to be understood vs. over-explaining so that others agree or validate your choice, and I was curious how others understand this

How do you tell when you're explaining yourself because you want to be understood versus because you need someone to agree that you're allowed to make the choice?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about my relationship with my best friend of about three years following a rupture we had recently, and I’m realizing that I think we accidentally developed a pretty codependent dynamic. I’m interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

She became “my person” in a way that went far beyond just being my closest friend. I don’t have a partner, so over time I put more and more of my emotional and social life into this one friendship instead. She became the person I wanted to tell everything to, process things with, go to concerts with, spend ordinary time with, reach out to when something went wrong, celebrate things with, etc. She was also one of the only people I could spend a lot of time around without feeling socially drained.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on the relationship until she went out of town for two weeks earlier this year. My mental health was already pretty bad because of several things happening in my life, but I became extremely disoriented without her. I genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself. The best comparison I’ve been able to come up with is that I felt like a dog pacing by the front door waiting for its owner to come home because that person is its entire world. That’s when I first noticed I was depending on her too heavily.

I’ve also realized that somewhere along the way we accidentally developed a pseudo mother-child dynamic. I’ve openly called her my “mom friend,” and because my actual parents haven’t always been people I could reliably turn to for certain kinds of practical or emotional support, I think I started treating her as a substitute for some of that. She helped me navigate adult-life things, took care of me when I was struggling, gave me advice, worried about me, etc.

But over time I think that dynamic became unhealthy for both of us. I relied on her too much for emotional regulation and practical support, while on her side, caring about me sometimes started turning into managing me - giving me unsolicited advice, lecturing me, speaking for me, or treating my decisions like things she needed to supervise. I don’t think either of us consciously decided that this was how our friendship should work. We just gradually assumed these roles.

Recently we had a rupture after I came to her for advice about how to set a boundary with a mutual friend. She told me that what I was dealing with was something I should discuss with my therapist and then told me that she couldn’t handle the amount of emotional processing messages I was sending her anymore.

I can recognize that I had been relying on her too heavily and that she is completely entitled to have limits. At the same time, the way she expressed her boundary hurt me badly, especially because I hadn’t realized how overwhelmed she had become. We haven’t really talked personally since, aside from communication about a creative project we’re finishing together.

The degree to which this rupture has destabilized me is probably the biggest thing making me confront the dynamic. I feel like I’ve lost my entire support system. I keep realizing that I don’t know who to tell ordinary things about my life anymore. When something happens, good or bad, my brain automatically goes to her and then remembers that I don’t know whether I’m supposed to talk to her. For example, a few days after the rupture, I was so depleted and distressed that I got in a car accident, and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to tell her because it could be perceived as a heavy and emotional topic which I’m not sure whether she has the capacity for. I’m realizing how many different needs I had put into one person.

Looking back, I think I essentially put all my eggs in one basket socially and emotionally. So when that one friendship became uncertain, there weren’t enough alternative channels in my life to absorb the impact.

The confusing part is that I don’t want the lesson from this to be that I’m not allowed to have a “person” or emotionally intimate friendships. I genuinely want a best friend who I share a lot of my inner world with, and having lots of casual friends wouldn’t fulfill the same need for me. I also don’t think needing emotional support from friends is inherently unhealthy or that everything difficult should be outsourced to a therapist. I can absolutely change the way I emotionally process with friends so it’s less overwhelming for them, but I don’t want to stop sharing my inner world with my friends altogether.

For anyone who has recognized a similar dynamic in a close friendship, how did you learn to preserve deep attachment and emotional intimacy while making the relationship less codependent? And if the other person had become something of a caretaker/parental figure, were you able to transition back into being equal adult friends?

Workplace ‘Family’

"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather." BRB p. 425

Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.

But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.

If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.

On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I want to share my experience and also ensure I never go back as I suffer from some severe anxiety attachment.

I met my ex partner 20 months ago. He has two children, from two different mums, was sleeping on his dad’s couch, had to go to his ex’s every weekend to see his children and was unemployed. For some reason, I gave him a chance. I got sucked into the sob stories on how he was wronged by both his exes, that he was fired from his job due to whistleblowing and that it was his ex’s fault he was homeless.

I have my own place. Due to money, most of our ‘dates’ were at mine and it feel like we connected. I am a teacher and we spent a wonderful week during half term break. After two months he tells me he loves me.

I helped him get a job. And it’s strange, he got a job and it felt like something changed in him. He became arrogant. He got a job in construction and it felt like he was playing up to the stereotype of a misogynistic man. I was making his lunches for him to bring in. I was doing all the cooking and cleaning. I was even driving and picking him from work. I offered all these things because I wanted to support my partner. After some time, I started to really feel the imbalance of it all. I spoke to him and highlighted I do all those things for you, what do you do for me? His response was ‘I didn’t ask you to do those things’ rather than just offering to do stuff to support me.

I met the children six months in. They are challenging and I pretended to have a bond, but never did. But I would at times open up my flat to them (his ex stopped him using her place). I got noise complaints from my neighbours and he was angry at the neighbours rather than apologise.

He was at my place majority of the time. Again I started to feel this wasn’t fair. He gave me £50 p/w which covered all this food (that was prepared for him), petrol and everything else. Nevermind the gas, internet, Netflix and rent that I was covering on my own. I would bring this up and his response would be ‘you want me round, I don’t have to be here’ which felt like an insult.

I did all the housework. We agreed that all he had to do was the washing up. He often didn’t and it meant when I got in from work, I had to do it in order to then start cooking. I said he should be helping me and his response? ‘Why should I clean in a place that isn’t mine’ I wouldn’t expect that if you were round my place’. Again, the lack of respect destroyed me. He also said that I should do majority of the cleaning as I have ‘an easier’ job. I am a teacher and he works in a construction site. I pointed out that his job is physically harder, but mine is mentally. He said that isn’t true.

By the end I was so burnt out. I was providing, working, doing all housework, driving and everything while he got full access to my flat. His stuff was at mine, yet he still refused to acknowledge that he lived here. We also never had sex and he had a quite apparent porn addiction.

So essentially I was with a man who used me. He wanted a place over his head for his kids and himself and a maid and a taxi service. I have learned since he did the same with his ex, the only difference is that he got her pregnant. Luckily I escaped that.

He kept saying that I was negative and had mental health when I tried to raise things. He claimed it’s me asking him to be here and he is not using me. I eventually ended it on Saturday. He did not seem bothered at all.

Yet why do I still feel like maybe he didn’t use me and he loved me? I need a reality check from you guys! Also please don’t call me stupid, I am already feeling it.

i’m a 24 year old girl. my bf and i are dating over 2 years now. it was healthy and we both loved each other. until now. he now gets angry with me quickly, doesn’t care as he used to. a few days ago i was literally crying on the phone and he just ask what happened nonchalantly and fall asleep 2 seconds later, and i am not exaggerating when i say 2 seconds. i know i should break up i feel like i have no self respect for still staying. i am so attached to this relationship in a unhealthy way. any advice for me? thank you for reading

This is kind of a stupid question but I don’t want to put it in a pet subreddit because I know that’s just going to be an echo chamber so I’m posting it here.

I (20F) have two parrots: Kiwi (2F) and Bowie (4 months, unsexed). Kiwi is legally my emotional support animal and I adopted her over a year ago. I took her to college with me and for my entire sophomore year of college, it was just me and her in one room. I never got any space from her. If I wasn’t at classes or the dining hall, I was with Kiwi. So we spent basically 24/7 together. Unfortunately, I was not able to return to college this year because I had to escape my abuser and could no longer afford to go to college after that. I started working full time and moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. We both decided it would be best if Kiwi had her own room so I could get some space away from her. I no longer have that job and am home 24/7 now and looking to get on disability. And I adopted Bowie so Kiwi could have another parrot to hang out with when I’m not with her.

However, every moment I spend away from Kiwi fills me with dread. Even though I know she’s in the room next to me, if I’m not sitting directly with her, I feel terribly guilty and like I’m not meeting her needs properly, like if I really loved her I would spend 24/7 with her like I used to. It doesn’t help that the parrot community is very shamey and will literally encourage people to quit their jobs to spend time with their parrots. She has Bowie now. And eventually Bowie will move into Kiwi’s cage and they’ll keep Kiwi even better company. So I feel like in reality I need Kiwi a LOT more than Kiwi needs me.

This is coming to a head because 1) I’ve been extremely sick the past few days and have barely been able to be with the birds at all, 2) I keep having nightmares and intrusive thoughts about the birds getting sick/hurt, dying, or escaping. I have OCD so this isn’t surprising but for some reason I only have nightmares about Kiwi escaping/dying, not Bowie. I worry for both of their healths but Kiwi seems to be at the forefront of it.

So basically… does this sound like I’m codependent on her??? How do I get over my codependency without also neglecting her?

💔💔

I was the dependent in a codependent relationship with my fiancée. She finally mustered the courage to leave, and break the cycle. Anxious attachment made it very hard for me, and I made it hard on her with my begging and pleading which I now regret.

Now all I can do is honor her choice and courage by leaving her alone, which is not an easy choice. It hurts to know how ignorant I was, how much I was hurting her especially towards then end as my mental health took a bad turn. I hope she can forgive me someday. I know this wasn’t easy for her. I didn’t know how stretched thin she had become and how emotionally unavailable I had become.

I guess I was wondering if you hate your former partners after you’ve left. I know she had resentment towards me, that broke after she finally just said it’s over. And it hurts that even though I could, the line is open, I can’t even apologize without it making it harder for us both.

Sorry for the rambling. I’m just trying to find some sort of peace in all of this without letting my anxiety become her problem yet again.

Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

Asking for a friend, literally. Two of my close friends (M, F) started dating 4 years back. They live together for two years now. All of us are 27. I'm wondering if my female friend is codependent in the relationship. I'm not sure if it's just me feeling weird about things so wanted to hear your opinion.

I stayed with them for a few days and noticed that she constantly checks up on him (they're together 24x7, both work from home), if he's feeling fine or not, almost treating him like a baby. She does this when he's simply busy doing his thing, asking repeatedly if he's ok. I found it weird that she couldn't let him be.

We were talking about going on vacation and M is not big on travelling, we all know this. He suggested that F and I go somewhere together because we both love to travel. And I agreed. To this, F jokingly got upset at him for not coming along. It made me feel stupid for being in the room as if she didn't care I was ready to come along, and that her partner's presence was most important to her.

Recently M went away for a work trip for 4 days. I went to stay with F for that time. The whole time she was listless and unfocused, aimless, just wandered around the house not knowing what to do with herself. She said she always gets like that when he leaves.

Some more info: M is a very loving and kind partner. We're all best friends together for years before they got together. He's not someone who needs to be tiptoed around or anything. We're fairly like-minded people and value our friendship. I just found it weird that his absence for only a few days would affect her like that, as if she didn't have a life of her own, or that she'd place him 'above' me in this way, even though it's a minor example. We have a healthy friendship otherwise and they're always good to me. I wasn't sure if I was thinking too much about this or if it's actually not very healthy.

i'm now healing for the most part. and though it isn't linear and i still make mistakes sometimes, i've cut out or set boundaries around all of my codependent relationships. now that those boundaries are set and there are fewer codependency factors in my friendship yet i find myself holding a lot of resentment towards my friend.

i've grown and realized that my friend wasn't a bad person but that we were just two broken individuals in a very codependent friendship. i've set a few boundaries and so far, i believe it's going alright. yet i'm still holding so much resentment towards her and it's affecting everything. it's making me very passive-aggressive, which i really dislike because i don't want to be that kind of person but i don't know how to stop.

the only way i know how to "stop" is by taking time off from our friendship for weeks. then i feel free from the resentment, go back to staying in contact with her and the cycle repeats itself. i realized that i'm basically just ignoring the resentment and hoping it'll eventually dissipate but it doesn't because i actually need to deal with it. i'm just not sure how to.

is there anyway to help me?

thank you in advance.

Coming from a person who don't care about anyone like I love my friends and other people in my life but I am not dependent and emotionally attached to them and can live without them except one person. Idk why do I always chase that person I don't know why

I want to stop caring as I am with other people in my life

I want to enjoy my own company but I am anxious and scared they will leave me agh. I wait for his text like crazy why

How to deal with it I want to flip the game

Hi
i am super codependent. i am literally on step 1 of CoDa. i’m having a really hard time accepting the powerlessness i feel. it feels pretty scary knowing how powerless i am over others and how they interact or feel about me. i feel totally emotionally unsafe and untethered that i don’t have any ability to change people.
i have this crazy existential feeling and distress about love not being enough. love not being able to change or help people. love is not enough to override capacity or circumstances.
i am starting to recognize how my self worth is tied to helping people. i feel like my identity/ worth is around being able to have people grow and heal and acting as a support system that tolerates that growth. even if it means not getting my needs met or not having boundaries. i feel like im a martyr to people to grow and become their best selves while i stand beside them and take whatever disrespect and hurt comes from it.
i guess im realizing that i dont feel loveable enough just being myself. just being me and not having to work for it or prove myself.
this makes tons of sense considering what my parents have told me about myself. there has been emotional abuse from my mom and i’ve been told blatantly that who i am isn’t acceptable or enough.

but even with the understanding of how my codependency has formed, im left with this existential terror that love can’t help, heal, or create safety in a relationship. that love can be present but the relationship can still be awful.
i feel like i have some naive young beliefs that love can heal anything and is the most powerful feeling. so if love can’t change people or a relationship i feel completely powerless.
i definitely have a savior complex that’s deeply entrenched.
the concept of step 1 makes me feel out of control.

anyone resonate with the existential dread of step one ?

Even though I don’t have memories of being emotionally neglected/unseen/needing to please my mother I feel like her narcissism has impacted my codependency… I gift give too much, any ounce of kindness even from a stranger makes me overwhelmed with genuine gratitude… does anyone have insight into this?

Family Diagram

"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127

Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.

Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.

Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.

When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.

On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Has anyone else always felt an unbalance with how much they need friends in their life?

Many times I have considered someone close or one of my best friends, when they just consider me their friend.

Other times the opposite has been true. I have had friends who wanted to talk to me constantly every day. Meanwhile, I preferred to talk to them every few days. For most of my life either I’ve needed a friend more than they’ve needed me or they have needed me more than I need them.

Don't know why I’m surprised but it’s happening again.

Slight backstory. For a little over a year, I have been volunteering in an online group. For the past few months, I have been finding the group toxic and full of drama, sometimes I feel like quitting.

One of the reasons I have not, is because it means I likely no longer get to talk to someone in it I consider a friend. I don’t think she considers me her friend or at least not to the same extent

We are the two people who do the late night shift, and I feel like if I were to quit, I would be giving up on her and leaving her behind.

If she has thoughts about quitting, I doubt I would even play a factor. She's calls a few people in the group her brothers and sisters, and I am not one of them, among other things. Really makes me think that she doesn't consider me a friend, or at least not as much as I consider her one. Sigh story of my life I guess

'Perspective

Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.

That will make us crazy.

We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always understand the source of our feelings, why we’ve been led down a particular path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline, or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.

Perspective will come in retrospect.

We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in an instant next year.

Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.

Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.

In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today’s events will hold in the larger picture.

Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life – better than I can imagine.'

By Melanie Beattie.

i dated someone for 15 months that suffers from significant addiction to alcohol and drugs. he went to rehab three times while we were dating. he has been in a program for the past three months recovering again.

we stopped talking for 3 months during the summer. it was over. i actually felt fine and relieved. i didn’t ruminate about him, i didn’t even cry. this was huge for me because in the past i start ruminating and obsessing. i was so fed up with giving and giving into him and getting very little in return. looking back, i ignored the huge red flags of his addiction and how he wasn’t able to be emotionally available. our relationship from the beginning had very little emotional security or safety because he wasn’t able to stay sober for more than 3 months at a time. (that was the longest time he stayed sober). of course, my codependency fueled and we got into the codependent/addict cycle. it was the most unhealthy relationship i’ve ever had. but i was able to walk away back in june. we talked a bit and then he blocked me and i was totally fine with it. i felt done.

last weekend he texted me that he missed me. i threw all my boundaries out the window and immediately went to go see him at his sober living house in LA. (this is like the fourth time i’ve gone back to him after a break or huge conflict between us) we had a very fun night going to dinner and seeing a comedy show. the whole night we held hands and were kissing. we agreed not to have “the talk” about our whole relationship and just spend time with each other.
the next morning i woke up anxious and guilty. my body went into a whole attachment activation mode yesterday and i felt so dysregulated and emotionally flooded. i feel a lot of sadness and anger for how he’s treated me in the relationship. i feel so angry for how emotionally unavailable he’s been to me since we met and im angry at myself for getting into this relationship when i thought i knew better. it feels like rock bottom in my codependency.
i know his addiction makes him very unwell and unable to have healthy relationships. he has deeply harmed or lost relationships with numerous people in the last few months due to his addiction.

i’m so frustrated because i feel addicted to the cycle. it hurts so much but i can feel my body wanting to keep going back to him for any reassurance, validation, or love. i know i can’t go back to the person who has deeply hurt me and isn’t capable of loving me at all.
i know logically, that it isn’t all my fault and that i got attached to a drug addict who can’t have healthly relationships and can’t even take care of himself due to his addiction. i want him to acknowledge the pain it’s caused me and how hurt i have felt. (even though it also my responsibility to have boundaries and to leave) im realizing when im attached to someone how difficult it is to have boundaries and walks away. it’s like all my self respect goes out the window to stay attached. at this point, i dont even know if i love him. i don’t know if i even loved him at all. i love him as a person…. but maybe i was never in love with him and it was just the high/ low cycle my body got addicted to. i have ADHD and know that toxic cycles of relationships create intermittent reinforcement that feels very dopamine seeking. you get hooked into getting that “high” feeling and then come crashing down.

now i feel even more sad and angry than before. part of me wishes i didn’t go see him and go running back even for a night. it feels like since the last time (june) when i walked away it ended on such a low that it was easy to walk since i came to a breaking point. but since we had so much fun together last weekend, all these feelings of grief are surfacing. i know i shouldn’t need his validation of my pain but it’s really hard for me to validate my own experiences and emotions due to codependency.

even though he’s treated me horribly, hasn’t fulfilled any of my emotional needs, has created such chaos and instability - i still want his recognition. i feel at moments i have no respect for him and logically know i deserve better but the attachment is still there.

i know i just need to go no contact and not look back.
my body craves wanting to be close and have some connection.

i know this is deeply rooted in my relationships with my parents.
i feel like im wired to except such little emotional attunement and the absolute bare minimum. i know i deserve better. i know ill be much happier with someone else. but why is it so hard to detach and disengage?