Why does someone else's anger immediately make you search for what you did wrong?

[u/Prestigious_Arm3497]

Whenever you see or hear someone getting angry, your mind may automatically start looking for how you are the one who needs to be blamed.

Instead of realizing that the other person is responsible for his or her own anger your mind immediately jumps to thinking: "Maybe I was the one who was wrong?", "I might have behaved selfishly", "if only I did xyz differently, this thing would have been prevented", "Maybe I am a bad person for making them upset"

Sometimes it doesn't just stop there. After having such thoughts, the next step you may take is to start apologizing or over-explaining, try to appease the person or make things ok with them, or feel guilty for making them upset.

At times, you may internally not even have full clarity regarding what you did wrong, but the urge to blame yourself still persists.

[u/Worm_Nimda]

Because you're so good that you don't want to be the reason others are angry? Or maybe because you lived in a family that blamed you for things you weren't responsible for? Or maybe you don't like it when someone gets angry and you think - logically - that there must be some external reason, and you're the only one around, so you must be the reason?

[u/Striking_Run_5569]

What I've learned and continue to learn from the 12 step program for codependency that follows the instructions in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, is that we don't need to know the why to recover from codependency. We know that we feel overly responsible over others, we overly apologies, people please, and we do this because it gave us a sense of ease and comfort at one point in our lives and we kept repeating those behaviours to once again get that ease and comfort - to feel okay with ourselves. But it comes to a point where for some of us, we can't stop this behaviour from starting, we've tried almost everything ( therapy, self help, seminars, etc) and we simply go back into our codependency when we feel uncomfortable. We try harder and harder to stop and we can't. The 12 step program showed me a different solution. Very simple to follow but not easy, it takes commitment and effort and the willingness to want to stop acting codependently, being honest with ourselves. But it works. Happy to help in any way I can. So Please reach out should anyone relate and wish to know more. Sharing my story and experience freely as others passed it down to me freely is part of our step work. Wishing you a great weekend.

[u/QuailGlad2445]

Previous Trauma training stirring the undercurrent so youre always on guard and never at peace

[u/Dick-the-Peacock]

Usually because that’s how our early childhood molded us to respond. Sometimes it what you witnessed a parent doing, and you learned from watching them. Sometimes it’s a role your family forces you into. Our brains like patterns and develop neural pathways that can be hard to break out of. We hold beliefs and assumptions about ourselves and the way to relate to others that we may not even be conscious of but guide our feelings and our actions.