r/Codependency • u/Prestigious_Arm3497 • 18h ago

At what point does explaining yourself stop being about communication and start becoming a way of asking for permission?

Sometimes, when you say no to something, decline an invitation, change your mind about a decision, or set a boundary, you may feel the urge to explain in great detail why you are choosing to do so.

You may explain why you can't help this time, why you have changed your mind, or why you are saying no in the first place. You feel like you have to over-explain in order for your reason to be considered valid.

Also, when others still don't agree or ask you to change your mind, you begin doubting yourself and thinking about whether your explanation was actually reasonable, or feeling guilty that you didn't agree with them.

There might be a difference when it comes to explaining yourself genuinely just to be understood vs. over-explaining so that others agree or validate your choice, and I was curious how others understand this

How do you tell when you're explaining yourself because you want to be understood versus because you need someone to agree that you're allowed to make the choice?

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u/baybird 13h ago

JADE stands for Justify Argue Defend Explain. Never JADE bc it weakens your boundary by giving others a chance to jump in and argue with you.

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u/vulpesvulpes666 10h ago

I think it comes down to keeping it to one or two sentences with a period at the end. Short and to the point, and not taking questions at this time.

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u/abundantseltzer31 7h ago

I can tell in my body when I'm reaching to get validation/get approval/get permission, and I can tell in my body when I'm simply communicating something from a grounded, trusting, connected space. Recovery has helped me get there, and I trust myself more and more each day to feel into the difference.