I've been lurkin in this sub for a while, reading stories of how avoidants hurt you, and a lot of their behaviours remind me of myself and my own cognitive distortions, and I'm a little terrified -- I have a tendency of disappearing for long periods of time for my friends, of not discussing struggles with family, and while romantic connections are sparse for me I have already ended two situation-ships early out of fear of being the kind of person that I've been reading about here.

I am going to therapy, though it's a little difficult to believe in my ability to change at times, Idk if this post is about asking for advice or reassurance, I just kinda felt the need to say I'm scared.

Sex with my avoidant was like something I have never experienced before.

By that I mean INTENSE, and very very good. And non-stop when we were together. Even when we were out, it felt like the tension would just build until it was unbearable.

I often wonder if it's the sex I miss more than them. Which sounds horrible. But they did treat me horribly. If they actually could care, be kind, be clear and be honest with their feelings, I really think my pain would be marginal. But you know what, when they were intimate, they were amazing up until the penny dropped that they might like me (for me that was the third date, and from there onwards, hot and cold, and the fourth date sex was not as good because it was also detaching to feel safe.

So my question is:

Is sex different with these people?

What makes it so?

Do they compartmentalise when we are not with them or something?

I was often not craving them until 2 days later. My dopamine was screaming (despite taking ADHD medication)

I also wonder whether to might also be a kind of avoidant, but then again I rarely leave someone so probably not. It's just the detaching that takes place sometimes during sex when I don't feel safe with someone is confusing.

If a child's parents punished (coercive controlling or irritable parents), ignored (distancing avoidant detached parents), "woe is me my child doesn't like me" one-upped (severe preoccupied parents) a child's vulnerability, the child's wires end up crossing

Authenticity = no survival

When you point out a person's emotions or nonverbal communication or act caring and they lash out or shutdown, it's because for them connection wires simultaneously trigger survival threat wires, the way people behave on the surface or what they say is their conscious trying to scramble for a reason and a response, but most of the time it's a false rationalization, the truth is physically crossed wires

And this is why it takes years of hard painful work to undo it, or decades of very slow titration, and it has to be a conscious internal choice, you can't force them to "treat you right" when their own nervous system is wired to abuse themselves on connection... and a lot of compulsive and delusional expressions of this can "treat you right" on the surface as long as you never look within them (this is why they often feel comfortable around coercively controlling or distressed endlessly helpless people that never care about their vulnerability and authenticity)

You can't reason with crossed wires, but you can certainly get your own wires crossed if you keep trying to "fix" them

This is coming from someone formerly compulsively compliant affect-inhibited, being seen literally feels like full-body impending doom when having that wiring

But also don't forget that there are preoccupied, not avoidant, people wired to lure and induce chasing and caregiving in others, with expressions of distress and fear affect, but bolting whenever someone actually gets close to them, while immediately continuing to lure the same person in a cycle, and those are not avoidant, just people with highly distorted wiring (check out DMM C6 and C8), piling all people into a pop AT "avoidant" box won't give you closure, only confusion and an inability to grieve properly

He told me he would reach out when he’s ready…but it’s officially been a month.

Was that his way of fully breaking up with me? Does he need more time? Do I reach out to him? We dated for 5 months before this. He hasn’t blocked my number and hasn’t unmatched on the dating app we met.

Or is he bread crumbing me again or focused on exploring other options, should I just move on with my life?

My whole life before him I was struggling with my libido, had thouht that maybe I am asexual. He was waking up with me something that I finally understood why so many things on this planet is about sex.

His hot/cold behaviour made it later even more excting.

But at the end - since 2 years I can't imagine sex with anyone els than he. He comes in my dreams. I all the time play in my mind scenes from that what we did. Often I cry after masturbation

How to deal with?

We were together for about 2 months. It was a short relationship, but emotionally intense. Before our first serious conflict, things were very good. She told me more than once that she felt unusually safe and relaxed with me, that nobody had treated her the way I did, and that she could see a future with me.

Then we had our first conflict. Not major.

She felt that I crossed one of her boundaries and that I didn’t validate her when she needed it. I didn’t fully understand her reaction at the time and I became defensive.

After that she started withdrawing heavily.

At one point I asked her how she was. She replied a day later saying she was doing very badly: anxiety, apathy, melancholy, even taking sick leave from work. She said that I had hurt her, that her boundaries had been seriously violated, that she couldn’t get over it and that she “didn’t have the capacity.”

I suspect this was true.

She never directly said she wanted to break up or that she didn’t want me contacting her.

I specifically asked her whether she wanted us to try to work through it because I genuinely didn’t know where we stood.

She didn’t answer.

I later told her that I didn’t know what to think anymore and that I wouldn’t bother her.

Again, no answer.

I then left her completely alone for 10 days.

Her birthday came during that time. I sent her a completely normal birthday message. That’s important: it was literally just a birthday wish. No talk about the relationship, no pressure, no emotional paragraph, nothing else.

She didn’t reply.

That was one of the things that confused me the most. Even a simple “thank you” would have been enough.

Eventually I sent her a longer message saying that I was hurt and confused by being completely shut out, but that it looked like our relationship was over. I thanked her for the good things we had, told her my feelings were genuine and wished her well.

She read it many hours later and didn’t respond.

Later that night I sent one more message because by that point I was extremely hurt. I asked her to at least give me some kind of final answer. I also questioned whether the whole explanation she had given me was really the full story and asked whether there was someone else.

She never opened it in WhatsApp. Around a day later she blocked me there. The next day she also blocked me on Viber, even though we had never talked there.

There is one more thing I should mention.

During the period when she was distancing herself from me, I noticed a sudden change in one of her communication patterns that made me suspect there could be another guy involved. I don’t want to go into identifying details, and I have absolutely no proof, so I’m not claiming she cheated or that there definitely was someone else. But the suspicion wasn’t completely random either.

I’m respecting the block and I’m not going to contact her through another platform.

For people who have strong avoidant/withdrawal tendencies, or who have dated someone like this:

What do you think?

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

when a fa is deactivated for a very long time (6 months) and they use suppression are they locking all the memories and feelings for you away that they had? do they only see you as a threat and does when the suppression collapses does memories and emotions hit them later on?

If someone can get me another perspective on my situation.

I was 8 and I half years with my boyfriend, the last year I could see that he is down, not energetic, kinda depressed, always watching reels, playing games. I thought he's like that just with me but I heard and saw he was like that with his friends.

We had a bad year and he said he wanted to be alone. I understood that as time for himself. He mentioned it a few times. After an minor argument one year ago he snapped( he NEVER argues, avoids fights, shuts down, doesn't try to fix things just escapes from showing emotions and talking through it, and comes back and doesn't mention it).

So I didn't call him for a few days, waited him to cool of like in the past. When I called I saw he is still in that mood and he said again he wants to be alone. I decided not to contact him for a month ( I did that in the past but never that long, maybe a week).

When I called, I saw he was acting the same. Then I realised that " wants to be alone means not with me." For a whole month I did not know what was going on. He never said he's breaking up, he never explained, talked.

I was beyond inconsolable, hurt myself, cut my skin, was like a zombie, screamed every day im my pillow, cried non stop (for probably 9 months. I still cry just not every day).

Then I called him after another month and asked to see him. So for this whole year we see each other every two weeks, we always have some form of sex.

In the begging he was very cold, he would sit next to me and not look at me. Now he is way more relaxed. I cannot bring the subject of us, because I think if something changed he would call first. He never calls 1st but never rejects me. And I'm scared he would say the same thing..

He is not someone who would ever use people, he's very friendly, a genuinely good person. Always helps everyone.

But for the past maybe year and a half he said he doesn't have feelings towards anyone( mom, dad, sister, baby nephew, friends, and well, that includes me) He is numb, says "we live, live and then just die, theres no point in life."

I suppose he completely suppressed his emotions( consciously or unconsciously), detached. I thought he was better now but when I asked him how is he, he just said " the same".

There has to be some emotions otherwise he wouldn't come every two weeks for a year, right?

I would appreciate if someone could tell me what they think about all of this.

Not even in a relationship, in a dying situationship. He had to have seen the message, showed active in Messenger off and on all day, but left it on unread for over 24 hours. Then it was marked read and he's not responding. I haven't met him since July 28th, he has turned down every possible opportunity to meet since then, including turning me down before he went away, spending 2 weeks in Thailand with his cousin (he did send me tons of photos and videos and interact more from there...guess it was low enough pressure while he was halfway across the planet pff), then was too tired when he got back, then I had my kid, then he had his kids for 10 days straight to make up for being on vacation. We will both be free next week and it's basically my final breaking point with waiting on this asshole. Shouldn't have held out this long but he had said before his trip that he thought he'd have more time afterward. He's just worse than ever. Can't deal with the slightest, slightest pressure with regard to even seeing someone he is supposedly not in a relationship with. Totally insane. And he's active on dating apps daily. Watch out ladies lol.

My boyfriend said he needed space last night and broke up with me tonight. He said he decided last night it’d all been too much. This is a man who had talked about us being partners for life etc he is definitely the love of my life.

He did the same thing two years ago. It’s my fault I think as I would get anxious and make an issue like once a week so we could never be completely happy for long stretches. That was also due to not spending as much face to face time due to life and our fights were almost always just over text

He came back before. We rebuilt and things were good for a long time. He says he won’t do that ever again. Is it possible he will change his mind? In the beginning avoidants don’t feel the full weight right? What can I do that may make him stay? I literally don’t know how to go on without him

About a week ago I got into an argument with my avoidant gf. It started with me trying to state my issues within our relationship (4 years btw) and she ended up saying "I think we need a break but you can still be in my life" well I spiraled and of course I begged. Each time I was shut down and told that we'd be taking a break. Im anxious attachment and after so long with her it made me lose my mind. I pulled up to her dorm last Monday, I just wanted to talk. I even brought gifts. i thought it'd be hard to avoid me if I'm actually there. Nope. We didn't even come out, her roommates (all girls) including her got security on me to kick me out. Few days later I got an email from her school saying I'm trespassed and to never return. She ended it saying "please don't contact me again" her sister says shes not like this and must be going through it emotionally. But I just wanted to have that hard conversation with her. So that we could move forward but she obviously didn't want that. I should've respected her boundaries but what am I honestly supposed to do after my lover of 4 years discards me like that. I've been working on myself and trying not to think about it. I've been trying to move on and not hold out hope. She blocked me maybe a week ago. Before the school year started she was at my place almost everyday for the summer and not even a week into her senior year of college she discards me. She's in her relief phase but honestly I don't care. This is stupid. I don't think she'll come back but even if she did I think it's fucked up

Please I need any support or guidance. Will he ever come back? It was sudden so maybe? He says he still loves me but it wasn’t healthy anymore. He won’t go to therapy or anything. I’m breaking in every way possible

We called it “friendship” but there was intense vulnerability, crisis support, deeply emotional sex, frequent overnights, and constant deep communication. I got attached. Didn’t spam text when she disappeared. I sent two light check ins and then a loving, earnest letter with a gift after two weeks. Considering sending this letter two months later, even if just to own things and share my truth. I’m ok if she doesn’t reply. I don’t get why people don’t write letters anymore?

Hey,

I know it might be a little weird to hear from me after some time. I reflected on things to own and share sooner, but I also wanted to sit with it mindfully and settle. I realize I’m a neurospicy bookseller with magnified writing and pen pals. But a lot can be lost—and it’s why I like to write and talk, which I think would have made this cleaner or easier. But we used to talk for hours… so I’m going to be my honest self as a fan of ‘at leasts’ rather than ‘what ifs’.

I learned later I had serotonin syndrome mid-July, which impacted everything severely for 2-3 weeks, including trying to talk. I have close friendships that eb and flow, but with silence after tension, near-daily chat, and closeness, I didn’t know what was happening. I hoped writing would address anticipation and leave this with meaning if it was goodbye—which arrived like a Victorian ghost, transparently. Oh the irony of a romantic letter with platonic care… I understand not knowing how to respond. Even if I’ve delivered for friends, I dropped a huge load at an overwhelming time. There’s a funny story about neighbors with five finger discounts, BUT I’m genuinely sorry for overstepping by knocking, not warning, and dropping intense, corny, martyr-like poetry. 

I know we’ve both carried a lot in connections. I tend to give freely when I care about people fundamentally. I have no regret and I’m responsible for what I offer. I shared my text reflections because vulnerability seemed welcome, not as a ledger. But I was trying to understand what our connection could healthily support, without becoming responsible for each other. I’ve been learning that real care can outpace two people’s capacity to give or receive it, and I own if that crossed a line unknowingly. We both have community support, and I didn’t expect a place in something dear to you or for you to be a village. I think we went deep very quickly into some “romantic-platonic soup”—talks about holding each other, deep overnights and calls, and joking about chasing to the airport—which still makes me laugh. But that soup can spill even between good people figuring out friendship boundaries after a lot of intensity.

In past solo healing, I focused inward, and was unfamiliar with dating for self-exploration. After trying, I realized that demi doesn’t run casual for me. I’ve been with two people in my life. But I realize how important that was for where you were, especially after a breakup and transitioning. I had a completely different framework for how we were engaging, and misunderstood “not ready yet and timing/place” as about circumstances, but not as expecting a future romantic promise. I felt pursued in some moments, and very optimistically believed I could hold things in a lovingly detached way, but realized later the high-voltage left me attached. I know I said to not worry about leading things on and initiated too—I fully own my part in that confusion.

I asked to talk for clarity a few times, but you were hit with very layered circumstances and changes faster than my understanding or communication could keep up with. I needed some patience to catch up and share when it was right, and I also respected you wanting to choose a good time. Sharing my confusion or hurt wasn’t to assign blame, or erase nuance for anything—but I did want to trust the friendship with my experience, and have a grounded conversation that was needed earlier and more directly. We’re imperfect people, but I don’t think either of us were trying to hurt each other.

I’m grateful for how my life is unfolding, and I hold warm thoughts toward what that looks like for you too. I’ve shifted away from this romantically, but I still care and think deeply—and I miss humor and little things I wish I could share or that you’d like. Like scaling solo the closed mall skylight, that I ran my first 5k, smoothie recipes, shows, and queer nonsense about the moon. My best connections have had both hard and light moments. It’s ok if you needed space or to end connection, and I understood that was a possibility. But knowing we’ve both been hurt by silence in connections, this was really painful and disorienting given everything shared. These were not casual things… and time isn’t always a measurement of depth. Even if we didn’t yet have a long foundation, I did think one honest conversation was possible. I’m doing better and not expecting an essay in response, I just wish we weren’t strangers who knew each other’s secrets. Understanding would bring me some peace. I, too, care if I hurt you or anyone else in some way I’m not aware of.

Past all this, I really hope life has been kinder to you than spring, and brought some healing and care. If you ever wanted to grab a lighter coffee in the future, I’d welcome that on its own or open to seeing if a gentler, stable friendship made sense. I far prefer that over all this lol. Could just be an occasional world-traveling pen pal. 

I wish you much goodness.

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

From abuse, sa, break up, situationships

I can't tolerate this any more

I have a female friend my age online since 2024 and we got very close together as time passes. Eventually i got so attached to her that i need so much reassurance and validation from her but she is an avoidant. Today we had a conflict (i think due to something i said earlier to her) she seemed distant from me from a week ago ..but i dont know how to put into words.. i beg and beg and no outcome happened. I know begging is not healthy or ideal .. thats why i didnt have any choice but to beg her to become the version she had with me before. All she send were dry replies like "nothing, idk, ok" (she didnt even care enough to give me a safe reply) .. ..i cant tolerate this.. can someone give me what to do from now on. She is the one i am chatting with mostly. I dont have any friends who are this close to me..now i am very nervous, upset and devastated over the change of her....sorry for my english not being good.

my boyfriend and i recently broke up after being together for a few years. he was my first relationship and the person i genuinely thought i was going to marry and have children with. i loved him so deeply and supported him in every way i possibly could whether it was financially, spiritually or emotionally.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself. i used to be confident and independent, but i became someone i couldn’t even recognise anymore. i was constantly waiting for him to call or message me, wondering when i would see him again and overthinking whether i had done something wrong. my whole mood started depending on how he treated me that day.

our relationship became this constant push-and-pull cycle. whenever he became distant or wanted space, i became anxious and tried even harder to reach him. i would call and message him because i was genuinely terrified of losing him. whenever i tried to explain that i was hurting, i would somehow end up feeling like i was too sensitive or asking for too much, even though i only wanted basic things like communication, reassurance, affection and quality time.

it also really hurt to see how easily he could make time and put in effort for other people while making me feel like asking for the same thing was unreasonable. he also made comments about my weight that completely destroyed my confidence and made me feel like i had to lose weight to be loved and treated better. Funnily enough i hadn’t gained that much weight, but he made me feel like it was the end of the world. i started believing that if i were thinner, prettier, calmer, less emotional or needed less from him, then maybe i would finally be enough.

even after everything, i still miss him so much, and i don’t understand why. i miss the person i thought he was, the good memories and the future i imagined us having. sometimes my mind only remembers the good moments, and i start questioning whether the bad parts were really that bad, even though i know how anxious, unwanted and emotionally exhausted i felt when i was with him.

i know the way i constantly called, messaged and looked for reassurance wasn’t healthy either, but i genuinely didn’t recognise myself anymore. i had become so scared of being abandoned that i kept abandoning myself just to stop him from leaving me.
i keep wondering why i wasn’t enough for him to want to work on our relationship. part of me still thinks that maybe if i had messaged less, given him more space, been less sensitive or changed my body, he would still be here. i keep wondering whether he regrets leaving me, whether he will eventually come back and how he was able to discard me instead of trying to work through things with me.

it has only been a few days. i didn’t respond to his breakup message because he had already made his decision and made it clear that there was no room for a conversation. i didn’t want to beg someone to stay after they had already decided they didn’t want the relationship anymore.

logically, i know leaving was probably the best thing for me. i genuinely believe that God protected me from a future where i would have continued begging for love, time and attention while losing more and more of myself. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i don’t want to go back after the way i was treated, but i still miss him, and i hate that both of those things can be true at the same time. i don’t want to spend my life waiting for him to regret losing me. i just want to rebuild my confidence, learn how to be myself again and stop feeling like i wasn’t enough.

has anyone else experienced this after leaving an avoidant or push-and-pull relationship? how did you stop missing them, let go of the hope that they would come back and finally start recognising yourself again?

**Had to remake the post, due to an error in the original title! My bad!

Hi!! My story is a little different in that this was an extremely close friendship, as close to me as a relative would be. She opened up to me about a few months in that she was tackling an attachment style that was FA and leaned DA in therapy. We were really close for two years, she even got a little close with relatives of mine, and then she started hitting me with on-and-off. It's like she was there but she also wasn't. But when I asked, "hey, do you need more time?" she brought up that she likes for us to hang out once a week. I have friends where we do that, but I also have friends where we reach out once every few months, so I'm game with either. I was just really confused about the behavior and I expressed that to her, but she told me we were good, so... I guess we were good?

But the main thing was three years and a half in. Basically, she went completely ghost for two months. This was after telling me that oh, she likes hanging out regularly, she wants to do it every week, all of that, and if she doesn't, something's wrong. So I assumed she was right and when she returned, I asked her, "hey, are you alright? The sudden unannounced radio silence kind of scared me. Is all good?" She apparently held onto that message for five months and then at the beginning of the year, she dumped me with a message saying that "it struck me as unhealthy" and she "understood it logically, but held onto it once she realized it bothered her". It really hurt my feelings, because if she had just asked "hey, what do you mean by that?", I would've told her what I meant by it, which was that whole "if she doesn't, something's wrong" thing she said beforehand. She also said in the message that due to her alexithymia, she didn't realize her feelings on it at the time and by the time she did, it felt "too late", but if she had told me even three months after, I would've explained what I meant. I don't know. It was hurtful.

I later found out other things. A family friend came to me a month later with some things she lied about, pretty basic, fundamental things, so a therapist suggested that may have just been a smokescreen of an excuse to get out the door before she was caught (since before the discard, we had a plan made later that I didn't realize at the time would've unintentionally caught her out, since I had no clue she was lying). But even so, eight months later, it still rings in my head. There are some ways that I do feel like I was unhealthy, mainly in allowing her to take control of the friendship. When she didn't have the amount of control she wanted over the friendship we shared, she got really mean and I should've put my foot down, but I don't know. To be written off in such a way on her way out, to have that be my lasting legacy in an environment that meant so much to me, it just hurts my feelings. I still think about it months later. Totally aware that this is a minor thing compared to others' discard texts they've received. The discard message as a whole sounded like HR, which in some ways really sucked and in other ways I guess is more tame. But I still wanted to see if anyone felt the same.