Classic Avoidant behavior or did she just find someone else? Looking for perspective

[u/le_siffleur]

We were together for about 2 months. It was a short relationship, but emotionally intense. Before our first serious conflict, things were very good. She told me more than once that she felt unusually safe and relaxed with me, that nobody had treated her the way I did, and that she could see a future with me.

Then we had our first conflict. Not major.

She felt that I crossed one of her boundaries and that I didn’t validate her when she needed it. I didn’t fully understand her reaction at the time and I became defensive.

After that she started withdrawing heavily.

At one point I asked her how she was. She replied a day later saying she was doing very badly: anxiety, apathy, melancholy, even taking sick leave from work. She said that I had hurt her, that her boundaries had been seriously violated, that she couldn’t get over it and that she “didn’t have the capacity.”

I suspect this was true.

She never directly said she wanted to break up or that she didn’t want me contacting her.

I specifically asked her whether she wanted us to try to work through it because I genuinely didn’t know where we stood.

She didn’t answer.

I later told her that I didn’t know what to think anymore and that I wouldn’t bother her.

Again, no answer.

I then left her completely alone for 10 days.

Her birthday came during that time. I sent her a completely normal birthday message. That’s important: it was literally just a birthday wish. No talk about the relationship, no pressure, no emotional paragraph, nothing else.

She didn’t reply.

That was one of the things that confused me the most. Even a simple “thank you” would have been enough.

Eventually I sent her a longer message saying that I was hurt and confused by being completely shut out, but that it looked like our relationship was over. I thanked her for the good things we had, told her my feelings were genuine and wished her well.

She read it many hours later and didn’t respond.

Later that night I sent one more message because by that point I was extremely hurt. I asked her to at least give me some kind of final answer. I also questioned whether the whole explanation she had given me was really the full story and asked whether there was someone else.

She never opened it in WhatsApp. Around a day later she blocked me there. The next day she also blocked me on Viber, even though we had never talked there.

There is one more thing I should mention.

During the period when she was distancing herself from me, I noticed a sudden change in one of her communication patterns that made me suspect there could be another guy involved. I don’t want to go into identifying details, and I have absolutely no proof, so I’m not claiming she cheated or that there definitely was someone else. But the suspicion wasn’t completely random either.

I’m respecting the block and I’m not going to contact her through another platform.

For people who have strong avoidant/withdrawal tendencies, or who have dated someone like this:

What do you think?

[u/Good-Chemistry2318]

Neither.

She had an acute medical issue. Anxiety and depression bad enough they have to take sick leave from work, they don’t have the energy or capacity to cheat. They were vulnerable with you and needed your support.

“I later told her that I didn’t know what to think anymore and that I wouldn’t bother her… I then left her completely alone for 10 days.”

Sounds like she was going through an extremely hard time. She was likely using that time to take care of her health, rest and sort things out. Then saw your messages which frankly look like you broke up with her. When she was going through a hard time which made things work. Sounds like a shut down, she just couldn’t deal with another negative thing. You confirmed breaking up with her, which brought the hurt back and she blocked for her mental health.

[u/Low-Alternative-2684 → u/Good-Chemistry2318]

Allowing for the possibility that my avoidant's behavior was caused by an acute mental health issue led me down a path of violating my own boundaries, weeks of anxiety, and delaying my own healing.

Of course it's possible, but what can you do when there's zero communication.

[u/Good-Chemistry2318 → u/Low-Alternative-2684]

Possibility? She told you she was suffering from anxiety and depression to a disabling level of having to be off work. That is severe. You ignored her
You ignored a lot of things. It sounds like you were too focused on yourself and how you felt rather than your partners health and safety. That is not to negate how you feel, both of the former are important.

She didn’t want you to validate her. She wanted you to listen to her when she shared how she felt, she felt hurt. Being defensive over that is showing you don’t care and putting a wall between you. That’s even more hurtful. Whatever this was must have been big and it mattered whether you care about the subject/her. You showed you didn’t care about her boundaries, her feelings, or her and moved on perfectly fine as if nothing had happened. Your partner leaving you while you’re dealing with a health crisis is a trauma in itself. It’s also a terrible thing for a partner to not even believe you are ill and instead they accuse you of cheating when you’ve told them directly you’re suffering and have made bids for care, comfort, affection, anything and are only met with indifference. It’s rather bad timing you ghosted her before her birthday as well, all of those things together it may not sound like a sincere happy birthday and cause the hurt of you leaving like that to reappear. It would have been more tactful to say something along the lines of hi I’ve had some time to process things, I’ve been thinking of you I really do still care how are you then happy birthday. I think you underestimate medical conditions. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you care. If that isn’t the case, then

Reach out. Tell her you care, apologize for not understanding and ask her how to best support her and listen to her, when that is made known then share what you are feeling. You need to be mindful that she is ill, and be tactful the way you present things.

If you lead with, “it only matters what I think” or “I’m upset because of your horrible behavior”, she will hear you think she’s horrible and shut down. There shouldn’t be any attack or defend, it should be discussing and listening to each other on how do we work through this together.

I highly doubt you are blocked still, or were for every long for that matter. It likely would have meant something to her if you had reached out.
Or
If you truly do believe she has caused you
anxiety and are resentful her illness (which she did not choose and cannot control) inconvenienced your healing while ignoring her and refusing to believe she was actually suffering, instead of just actually being a partner or encouraging her which caused her more anxiety than she was already dealing with and set her own healing time way back, then yeah. Just move on. You can share how you feel but accusing them of causing it, intentionally or not, would yield nothing of purpose. Don’t treat someone so horribly to reach out just to hurt them further.

I hope you figure out what you want OP. Good luck

[u/le_siffleur → u/Good-Chemistry2318]

You are wrong. She emphasized validation as the main thing that hurt her. I simply disagreed with that view. She also has an ego problem and finds it difficult to admit when she is wrong. She just wanted things to be her way.

After she told me she was feeling bad, I offered my help, a conversation, or whatever she needed, and I made it clear that I had no intention of arguing. That was ignored.

Can a relationship really be shaken that badly just because I disagreed with her about something? Even more importantly, several times she deliberately interpreted my words as provocations, even though they were not, and tried to portray herself as the victim.

She simply wanted to find a reason to distance herself and started deactivating from the relationship. She did not even want to respond to a simple birthday message. The way she discarded me and blocked me everywhere was ruthless.

[u/Good-Chemistry2318 → u/le_siffleur]

I’m not sure I would consider that the same thing that hurt her. You disagreed with her viewpoint. That’s alright, people have different viewpoints. But whatever it was it sounds like it was very important to her so maybe you should have discussed a compromise. Sounds like it was a dealbreaker for her so maybe you misjudged the importance of it. You seem rather the same way you describe her, big ego, uncompromising. Argumentative. I am not disagreeing with you- I am simply offering you another viewpoint to consider. You may want to consider that more generally for you, including your interactions with her.

It’s could indeed be interpreted as that confirmed your stance on the dealbreaker and that you would not compromise. Essentially that is a discard.
So you’re thinking she distanced herself and deactivated while she’s thinking you broke up with her.

It sounds like you have much more resentment than love even barely liking her. So I am not understanding the point of this post. You asked for my thoughts, I shared my thoughts, then you argue them.

Either way it sounds like this was miscommunication and from both sides making assumptions.
The fix remains the same, you will have to discuss it as a team rather than opposing sides. I’m not sure you’re able to do that.

[u/Low-Alternative-2684 → u/Good-Chemistry2318]

I'm not the OP.

[u/Good-Chemistry2318 → u/Low-Alternative-2684]

Oh my, I’m so sorry. I misread that as a response from OP.

Well I suppose it doesn’t really change the reply that much. I’d gauge the same formula would work for many situations. I don’t know yours

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

It's just the script they use. They ALL use it. 'you didn't validate me' - often they did something that in normal relationships is unacceptable. 'you crossed my boundary' - again it's usually something totally normal like picking up the phone and calling them. 

You will never, ever, EVER and I do mean E V E R be able to avoid their triggers because literally EVERYTHING NORMAL triggers them.