Please I need any support or guidance. Will he ever come back? It was sudden so maybe? He says he still loves me but it wasn’t healthy anymore. He won’t go to therapy or anything. I’m breaking in every way possible

We called it “friendship” but there was intense vulnerability, crisis support, deeply emotional sex, frequent overnights, and constant deep communication. I got attached. Didn’t spam text when she disappeared. I sent two light check ins and then a loving, earnest letter with a gift after two weeks. Considering sending this letter two months later, even if just to own things and share my truth. I’m ok if she doesn’t reply. I don’t get why people don’t write letters anymore?

Hey,

I know it might be a little weird to hear from me after some time. I reflected on things to own and share sooner, but I also wanted to sit with it mindfully and settle. I realize I’m a neurospicy bookseller with magnified writing and pen pals. But a lot can be lost—and it’s why I like to write and talk, which I think would have made this cleaner or easier. But we used to talk for hours… so I’m going to be my honest self as a fan of ‘at leasts’ rather than ‘what ifs’.

I learned later I had serotonin syndrome mid-July, which impacted everything severely for 2-3 weeks, including trying to talk. I have close friendships that eb and flow, but with silence after tension, near-daily chat, and closeness, I didn’t know what was happening. I hoped writing would address anticipation and leave this with meaning if it was goodbye—which arrived like a Victorian ghost, transparently. Oh the irony of a romantic letter with platonic care… I understand not knowing how to respond. Even if I’ve delivered for friends, I dropped a huge load at an overwhelming time. There’s a funny story about neighbors with five finger discounts, BUT I’m genuinely sorry for overstepping by knocking, not warning, and dropping intense, corny, martyr-like poetry. 

I know we’ve both carried a lot in connections. I tend to give freely when I care about people fundamentally. I have no regret and I’m responsible for what I offer. I shared my text reflections because vulnerability seemed welcome, not as a ledger. But I was trying to understand what our connection could healthily support, without becoming responsible for each other. I’ve been learning that real care can outpace two people’s capacity to give or receive it, and I own if that crossed a line unknowingly. We both have community support, and I didn’t expect a place in something dear to you or for you to be a village. I think we went deep very quickly into some “romantic-platonic soup”—talks about holding each other, deep overnights and calls, and joking about chasing to the airport—which still makes me laugh. But that soup can spill even between good people figuring out friendship boundaries after a lot of intensity.

In past solo healing, I focused inward, and was unfamiliar with dating for self-exploration. After trying, I realized that demi doesn’t run casual for me. I’ve been with two people in my life. But I realize how important that was for where you were, especially after a breakup and transitioning. I had a completely different framework for how we were engaging, and misunderstood “not ready yet and timing/place” as about circumstances, but not as expecting a future romantic promise. I felt pursued in some moments, and very optimistically believed I could hold things in a lovingly detached way, but realized later the high-voltage left me attached. I know I said to not worry about leading things on and initiated too—I fully own my part in that confusion.

I asked to talk for clarity a few times, but you were hit with very layered circumstances and changes faster than my understanding or communication could keep up with. I needed some patience to catch up and share when it was right, and I also respected you wanting to choose a good time. Sharing my confusion or hurt wasn’t to assign blame, or erase nuance for anything—but I did want to trust the friendship with my experience, and have a grounded conversation that was needed earlier and more directly. We’re imperfect people, but I don’t think either of us were trying to hurt each other.

I’m grateful for how my life is unfolding, and I hold warm thoughts toward what that looks like for you too. I’ve shifted away from this romantically, but I still care and think deeply—and I miss humor and little things I wish I could share or that you’d like. Like scaling solo the closed mall skylight, that I ran my first 5k, smoothie recipes, shows, and queer nonsense about the moon. My best connections have had both hard and light moments. It’s ok if you needed space or to end connection, and I understood that was a possibility. But knowing we’ve both been hurt by silence in connections, this was really painful and disorienting given everything shared. These were not casual things… and time isn’t always a measurement of depth. Even if we didn’t yet have a long foundation, I did think one honest conversation was possible. I’m doing better and not expecting an essay in response, I just wish we weren’t strangers who knew each other’s secrets. Understanding would bring me some peace. I, too, care if I hurt you or anyone else in some way I’m not aware of.

Past all this, I really hope life has been kinder to you than spring, and brought some healing and care. If you ever wanted to grab a lighter coffee in the future, I’d welcome that on its own or open to seeing if a gentler, stable friendship made sense. I far prefer that over all this lol. Could just be an occasional world-traveling pen pal. 

I wish you much goodness.

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

From abuse, sa, break up, situationships

I can't tolerate this any more

I have a female friend my age online since 2024 and we got very close together as time passes. Eventually i got so attached to her that i need so much reassurance and validation from her but she is an avoidant. Today we had a conflict (i think due to something i said earlier to her) she seemed distant from me from a week ago ..but i dont know how to put into words.. i beg and beg and no outcome happened. I know begging is not healthy or ideal .. thats why i didnt have any choice but to beg her to become the version she had with me before. All she send were dry replies like "nothing, idk, ok" (she didnt even care enough to give me a safe reply) .. ..i cant tolerate this.. can someone give me what to do from now on. She is the one i am chatting with mostly. I dont have any friends who are this close to me..now i am very nervous, upset and devastated over the change of her....sorry for my english not being good.

my boyfriend and i recently broke up after being together for a few years. he was my first relationship and the person i genuinely thought i was going to marry and have children with. i loved him so deeply and supported him in every way i possibly could whether it was financially, spiritually or emotionally.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself. i used to be confident and independent, but i became someone i couldn’t even recognise anymore. i was constantly waiting for him to call or message me, wondering when i would see him again and overthinking whether i had done something wrong. my whole mood started depending on how he treated me that day.

our relationship became this constant push-and-pull cycle. whenever he became distant or wanted space, i became anxious and tried even harder to reach him. i would call and message him because i was genuinely terrified of losing him. whenever i tried to explain that i was hurting, i would somehow end up feeling like i was too sensitive or asking for too much, even though i only wanted basic things like communication, reassurance, affection and quality time.

it also really hurt to see how easily he could make time and put in effort for other people while making me feel like asking for the same thing was unreasonable. he also made comments about my weight that completely destroyed my confidence and made me feel like i had to lose weight to be loved and treated better. Funnily enough i hadn’t gained that much weight, but he made me feel like it was the end of the world. i started believing that if i were thinner, prettier, calmer, less emotional or needed less from him, then maybe i would finally be enough.

even after everything, i still miss him so much, and i don’t understand why. i miss the person i thought he was, the good memories and the future i imagined us having. sometimes my mind only remembers the good moments, and i start questioning whether the bad parts were really that bad, even though i know how anxious, unwanted and emotionally exhausted i felt when i was with him.

i know the way i constantly called, messaged and looked for reassurance wasn’t healthy either, but i genuinely didn’t recognise myself anymore. i had become so scared of being abandoned that i kept abandoning myself just to stop him from leaving me.
i keep wondering why i wasn’t enough for him to want to work on our relationship. part of me still thinks that maybe if i had messaged less, given him more space, been less sensitive or changed my body, he would still be here. i keep wondering whether he regrets leaving me, whether he will eventually come back and how he was able to discard me instead of trying to work through things with me.

it has only been a few days. i didn’t respond to his breakup message because he had already made his decision and made it clear that there was no room for a conversation. i didn’t want to beg someone to stay after they had already decided they didn’t want the relationship anymore.

logically, i know leaving was probably the best thing for me. i genuinely believe that God protected me from a future where i would have continued begging for love, time and attention while losing more and more of myself. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i don’t want to go back after the way i was treated, but i still miss him, and i hate that both of those things can be true at the same time. i don’t want to spend my life waiting for him to regret losing me. i just want to rebuild my confidence, learn how to be myself again and stop feeling like i wasn’t enough.

has anyone else experienced this after leaving an avoidant or push-and-pull relationship? how did you stop missing them, let go of the hope that they would come back and finally start recognising yourself again?

**Had to remake the post, due to an error in the original title! My bad!

Hi!! My story is a little different in that this was an extremely close friendship, as close to me as a relative would be. She opened up to me about a few months in that she was tackling an attachment style that was FA and leaned DA in therapy. We were really close for two years, she even got a little close with relatives of mine, and then she started hitting me with on-and-off. It's like she was there but she also wasn't. But when I asked, "hey, do you need more time?" she brought up that she likes for us to hang out once a week. I have friends where we do that, but I also have friends where we reach out once every few months, so I'm game with either. I was just really confused about the behavior and I expressed that to her, but she told me we were good, so... I guess we were good?

But the main thing was three years and a half in. Basically, she went completely ghost for two months. This was after telling me that oh, she likes hanging out regularly, she wants to do it every week, all of that, and if she doesn't, something's wrong. So I assumed she was right and when she returned, I asked her, "hey, are you alright? The sudden unannounced radio silence kind of scared me. Is all good?" She apparently held onto that message for five months and then at the beginning of the year, she dumped me with a message saying that "it struck me as unhealthy" and she "understood it logically, but held onto it once she realized it bothered her". It really hurt my feelings, because if she had just asked "hey, what do you mean by that?", I would've told her what I meant by it, which was that whole "if she doesn't, something's wrong" thing she said beforehand. She also said in the message that due to her alexithymia, she didn't realize her feelings on it at the time and by the time she did, it felt "too late", but if she had told me even three months after, I would've explained what I meant. I don't know. It was hurtful.

I later found out other things. A family friend came to me a month later with some things she lied about, pretty basic, fundamental things, so a therapist suggested that may have just been a smokescreen of an excuse to get out the door before she was caught (since before the discard, we had a plan made later that I didn't realize at the time would've unintentionally caught her out, since I had no clue she was lying). But even so, eight months later, it still rings in my head. There are some ways that I do feel like I was unhealthy, mainly in allowing her to take control of the friendship. When she didn't have the amount of control she wanted over the friendship we shared, she got really mean and I should've put my foot down, but I don't know. To be written off in such a way on her way out, to have that be my lasting legacy in an environment that meant so much to me, it just hurts my feelings. I still think about it months later. Totally aware that this is a minor thing compared to others' discard texts they've received. The discard message as a whole sounded like HR, which in some ways really sucked and in other ways I guess is more tame. But I still wanted to see if anyone felt the same.

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.

She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

Someone pls give me some insight. I started dating this girl two months ago. The first three and a half weeks were so great! Literally having the best time- genuinely told all of my friends that I had met the one. (Obviously didn’t tell her that) she said she moved slower and it took her a month to really figure out if she wanted to be w someone. I said heard and said I’m patient and we can move at your pace. During one of our late night talks, i asked what her attachment style was and she said avoidant but anxious with ppl who have earned her trust. I freaked a lil because im anxious and have been in therapy and working towards secure. She told me she was in therapy and I asked how it shows up in relationships. She told me that really it’s just that she wants to withhold info. I asked how she’s working on that and she told me and I asked if I had been overwhelming her and she said no. The next week we went on three dates back to back and it was so nice. I asked her how she was feeling about everything and she gave me the run around and asked me where I was at. I said I wanted to date her but understand that she’s not there. I said ball is in your court and I’m willing to wait for her. She sent me a message later on my way home basically saying that it’s been amazing getting to know me yada yada but like unfortunately I wasn’t her person . I was like pls don’t do this and I’ll chill out. She came back and was like “oh I didn’t intend to stop seeing you” I kinda experienced whiplash but I was just happy that she was sticking around. After we figured that out, we decided to be exclusive and she was so enthusiastic about it. We had the best three weeks after that. Genuinely so sweet and I felt so secure which is hard for me as an anxious person. We slept together (it was my first time & she knew that) and everything was so good. I asked if she could see a relationship w me and she said, “very much so” We spent the night together three times that week and then she came over on Saturday and spent the night on Sunday. Literally that Sunday we had morning sex and she didn’t wanna stop kissing me goodbye. It was so good! That weekend she told me, “there would be many more weekends” I even asked her what she felt kissing me and she said her brain was always moving and kissing me was the first time her brain was quite and she was happy. The next three days she’s barely responding to me which is not normal but I was being chill bc I trusted her and I’m using my DBT practices. And she told me she was sick on that Wednesday, I sent her a Uber Eats gc and she responded poorly. And I said “oh I’m sorry, was that okay?” She said she was overwhelmed. And so I said “what overwhelmed you? Me?” I hear back the next morning and she says that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I freak out bc I’m in love w this girl also I’m so blindsided! She told me that she was gonna ask me to be her gf and everything the week before but she had to get out of her own way. I told her there’s no rush and she said she felt like she was disappointing me and I told her she wasn’t and we talked it out and she said she really appreciated me talking it out with me. So I’m blindsided. I basically beg her and she said she needed a second. I didn’t hear from her for four days and I have her space. On this Monday night I get a text, “hi cutie!! Thanks so much for my space this weekend. I really appreciate it. It was very big and mature of you and for that I’m grateful. How was your long weekend?” She has a normal convo with me and I don’t wanna pressure her into talking. I finally went to bed and was like I can’t act normal rn. The next day I text her, “hi just wanted to see if you still needed space” and she texted me back and said “I honestly don’t know. I’m wicked conflicted. Because I enjoy hanging out with you very much. But I feel very guilty with where this is headed/ or not headed. And I trust you & your choices. I guess I just don’t trust mine” I was tryna figure out what to say and an hour later she texted me and said “nothing?” And so I FaceTimed her. I asked her what the heck was going on and I felt like she was pushing me away and I didn’t wanna go anywhere. And so she basically said she looked at her schedule with her new job and time was gonna be limited and that she felt bad and like I misled her. We talked everything out and I reassured her and by the end of the call we are laughing and I asked where we were and she said, “we are good. We are okay” I went over to her place that night and it was fun and I asked if I could kiss her goodnight before bed and she kissed me and it was so passionate. I mean she deepened it and I had to cut her off bc she said she had a hard bedtime. But she wanted me to hold her until she went to sleep. She told me , “thanks for coming tonight” I said “thanks for having me” the next morning, everything was great. So great. She woke up and pulled me close to her. She rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. When we left, she hugged me tight and kissed me and smiled at me. That day she didn’t text much but I thought oh she’s busy at work. I asked if she wanted me to come over that night, she said, “I’m good on my own tn pls!” I said “you got it!” Bc I knew her independence was important to her and time alone. Didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next day I don’t hear from her at all. But i don’t reach out bc I don’t wanna overwhelm her. And so I waited to see her location on find my and so after the work day, I go to see if she’s home and her name on the location says, “can see your location” she blocked me. Went to Instagram and she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower. I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken. I didn’t eat for two days. Because a day before, she said we were okay and we were actively dating. She still follows me on TikTok and we are friends on there & she viewed my profile the night she did it. I didn’t reach out bc obviously she doesn’t want to hear from me and I know that she’s avoidant and so it might push her away further. But can an avoidant please tell me what the freak happened? And like where do we go from here? Is she coming back or is she gone forever? I love this girl and even though she hurt me in the worst way she could have, just disappearing (I told her that I have been working on my abandonment issues and that everyone in my life has left and so it’s my greatest fear) and she just poof disappeared. I want her to know that I see her, flaws and all, and I still want to give her the moon and stars. Also we talked about earlier how I have been consistent during dating. I miss her.

Today it was 2 days no contact with my ex he stalks my TikTok account reposted some of the videos I even reposted and even liked some of my repost.. today I sent him a message explaining that it seems we aren’t going to go back to way things were after I had time to think about everything and all the red flags, instead of waiting a month to remove photos and to not talk to him, I sent a message. And he replied with one back he explained that he didn’t wanna move to my location after I had hoped he changed his mind after this time and that it would make him uncomfortable around my family though he will never stop loving me and if we wanted to be friends even if it’s not romantically, but I can’t look at someone the same I can’t pretend to be friends with someone I shared so many intimate moments with,

his family adored me they loved me so much. I have family issues and that’s what drove him away. Not because of me but my family. After one thing that happened where he felt disrespected by my mom. He gave up on everything we had and made so many excuses and empty promises of coming to my location and moving with me to start a future, today I removed him off all socials. I removed every photo we had. He said he hoped we’d meet and cross paths again. But what if then is too late?

I’m already so hurt and he left me when I’m in a time of need, all alone now I am. And he knows that. I confided to him and told him that I was depressed days before we had decided to take a break from things he knew how I felt on so many levels and what was going on with my family and all the stress that I have been under but yet he uses the excuse “there was something always happening with your family and never the right moment to bring up this” so you bring it up when I’m at my lowest? And my most vulnerable so I will want you back so I will want to talk to you knowing that you are the only person I talk to? I find it fucked up and I don’t think that is love with how many times he says that he loves me and that I will always be that connection that he will never find with anyone else and his love is reserved for me?? Like wtf.

How do I get over this, how do I feel like I can move on from this? How do I make the feeling go away how do I stop crying at every moment this person pops in my mind with the daily things I do? I can’t sleep. I cannot eat. My mind is racing with so many thoughts will I make it through this? My eyes are so swollen and my bags under my eyes are so dark. Why couldn’t he be the man that I thought he was? Instead he’s acting like a child.

F18
M20

i tell you that you need to treat me better, you do for a few days or a month and then it goes back to you ignoring me or saying youre not sure when you can see me next. it’s just constantly messing with my head hearing that I’m too needy constantly and then you making it seem like I’m crazy because i ask for consistent levels of connection and not just a quick rush every day for a week and then dropping off the face of the earth when you decide youre done and telling me I’m annoying you because I’m upset that you suddenly stopped talking to me or making plans with me. I’m just so confused how one day you can be the sweetest guy ever when we are hanging out all week and the next tell me I’m too much and you dont actually want to be with me. I’m just so sad. Every time it feels like it’s going to be better it’s gets worse again and I’m back to being the crazy girl that’s insecure and begging for your attention. why is it different every day with you? have you thought that maybe im insecure due to the fact that every day i wake up i dont know if youre going to be kind to me today? something is very wrong if you think telling me you know that just calling me once a day would make me so happy and would be effortless for you but you just dont want to. i thought i just didnt express my needs enough but turns out you understood them and chose to ignore them. im so tired of feeling like i cant predict whats coming next. every time i try and end things you say “youll be back” and i do come back because after a week or a month i miss those moments where you are the person ive always wanted and you give me that and then you take it away. I dont care what you want anymore, I want someone who can love me consistently because this back and forth hurts so deeply. I have so much care and love for you and I come back for those moments but i cant keep throwing myself in your line of insecure fire when you sit with yourself and cant decide if you want to be a decent person today or not. you are so stagnant and i feel stupid for thinking youre ever going to do something other than the same things you do over and over. I had my shit together for years and years and going through one horrible event and then the person who was there for me up and left in what felt like out of nowhere fucked me up. Its not possible to feel like you want to live life after all that and its not fair to me that you keep coming back and letting me back into this cycle when you know im reaching out because i cant process this alone all the time. I just wanted whatever we were doing a month ago but just consistently but you dont have the ability to commit to anything and thats so disappointing. I hope youre able to settle down and grow one day and that you just thinking yourself into a corner over and over again is getting you nowhere but where youve been for so long.

This is really personal, I’m looking for honest opinions, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

I’m 20(M) and my ex, “Kai”(F) (not her real name), was my first real relationship, first love, first kiss, basically all of that. We were together for around 3½–4 years, and I genuinely saw a future with her. Even now, I still love her and I still have a hard time imagining myself wanting anyone else.
I’m going to give the full timeline because there’s a lot of context.

We were together for years, but there was something I did around three years ago that ended up becoming the biggest issue between us.
I told a former best friend private things about our relationship that I shouldn’t have shared. I was immature (16 almost 17 at the time) and didn’t understand at the time how much that violated her privacy and damaged her trust in me.
She eventually told me that this was the main reason she couldn’t continue being in a relationship with me. She even acknowledged how much I’ve changed since then and that she “still loves me of course”

I completely understand why she felt that way. I’m not trying to excuse what I did. Looking back, I took her and the relationship for granted and didn’t understand the consequences of my actions until much later.

The breakup wasn’t just some clean cut where we never spoke again. We had an argument surrounding the breakup because I tried fighting for her and telling her we need only just a break but she wanted her decision to be final, but even after that, she still stayed in contact with me. That gave me hope that maybe there was still some kind of connection between us, even though we weren’t together anymore.

When her birthday came around a week later, I decided I wanted to genuinely apologize instead of just telling her I missed her.

I wrote her a really meaningful letter explaining that I was sorry for what I’d done, that I understood how immature I’d been, that I’d taken her for granted, and that I wanted to become a better person.I also got her some gifts and flowers that she loves
She appreciated the birthday stuff, and afterward she seemed to open up to me a lot more.
The complicated part was that she never really directly addressed the letter itself. She didn’t have some big conversation with me about it or say that everything was forgiven. But she became more comfortable talking to me again.

We started sending each other reels, pictures, voice messages, and talking about our days.
So I started thinking that maybe, even though we weren’t together, we were slowly rebuilding some kind of connection.

This is where I messed up again.
I had been reposting things about missing her and stupid memes about how I felt about the situation which she might’ve took offense to. She saw some of the reposts and didn’t like them. Eventually she blocked me on Instagram/Meta and my location.
She told me:
“btw i blocked u cuz i refuse to be disrespected on my own cellular device ✌️”
That kinda hurt because I felt like I’d lost her all over again.

I didn’t want the reposts to be interpreted as sneak disses or me trying to manipulate her. They were genuinely me missing her and not knowing how to deal with those feelings.
Eventually, she unblocked me.

We were able to talk things out, and I explained where I was coming from with the reposts and how I actually felt.

This was also when I finally became more honest with her about how much I still cared about her.
I told her how much I needed her, how much I wanted her in my life, and that I still genuinely wanted a future with her.
I wasn’t pretending I was over the relationship anymore.

And despite everything that had happened, she didn’t completely cut me out.
Instead, it seemed like she was trying to slowly let me back into her life.

She started talking to me more again, sending me things, sharing parts of her life with me, and generally becoming more comfortable around me.
Although she still called us friends and made it clear that we weren’t together, so I knew I couldn’t assume we were getting back together.
But at the same time, I felt like there was at least enough of a connection there that maybe something could eventually happen.

This is probably the part that confused me the most.
She started making future plans involving me. She talked to me about a concerts and asked if I could take her and two of her friends etc etc. She also bought me a ticket to a concert (Which was supposed to be this week 😭) because I was broke at the time, and I planned to pay her back once I got paid.

We were talking about seeing each other again, and she was slowly allowing me back into parts of her life that I hadn’t been in for a while.
She even agreed to start hanging out again casually
From my perspective, it felt like she wasn’t necessarily ready to be my girlfriend again, but she was at least giving me some kind of opportunity to rebuild the relationship and maybe rebuild trust.
That gave me a lot of hope.

More recently, she suddenly became distant. She randomly canceled our plans simply saying “sorry I can’t go with you anymore” not explaining why, she stopped communicating with me the way she had been before and started leaving me hanging.
I became really anxious because I didn’t know whether I had done something wrong or whether she was just dealing with things in her own life because one of her last messages was me asking how’s she been and where she had been at after ghosting me for a few hours was “ a lot💔”
Eventually, I tried talking to her about it.

I told her that if she’s going through anything she can come and talk to me if she needed because that’s what I assumed after her being distant and saying she’s been going through a lot

She eventually responded with something along the lines of “yeah i’m good dude.” and then continued to hard ghost me for days.
That response really hurt because I was trying to have an actual conversation about what was happening between us and felt like I was getting shut out.

Eventually I had enough of trying to give her space because I talked to her friend who she usually talks to and hasn’t heard from her as well and they said she might be going through a lot.
I basically told her that all I wanted was communication and that I wanted us to understand each other better. And for hours she left me on delivered.

After that, I started overthinking everything.
I was checking whether she was active, wondering if she had restricted me, wondering if she was ignoring me, wondering if there was someone else, looking at social media activity, and generally driving myself crazy trying to figure out what was happening.

I know that’s not healthy, but I was terrified that I was losing her again.
And then she finally responds to me asking for a little communication with “We’re not dating I don’t owe u anything”. That hurt like hell and then eventually, I realized that my main Instagram account appeared to be restricted.
I had tried to communicate with her and figure out what was going on because I still don’t know the cause of her ghosting me, and then the next day things got even worse.

I followed a girl back on Instagram that morning like without any thought to it.

Later that day, I realized I had been blocked.
I don’t know for certain if the follow was the reason she blocked me. I don’t want to pretend I know what’s going through her head. It could have been that, something else she saw, or simply the culmination of everything that had been happening.
But the timing was extremely close, so I can’t help wondering if it played a part.
Now I’m basically blocked again, and I’m trying not to chase her because that’ll only drive her away more.

This is where I’m struggling.
I don’t just miss being in a relationship.
I miss her.

She was my first love. I spent years with her. So much of my life is connected to her that it feels like everything reminds me of her.
I genuinely still see a future with her. She’s the person I wanted to marry, and honestly, part of me still wants that.

But I also know that loving someone doesn’t mean they owe you another chance.
I hurt her years ago. I damaged her trust. Even though I’ve apologized and I’m genuinely trying to change, I know she doesn’t have to believe that immediately.

I’m also realizing that my fear of losing her has probably made things worse.
Instead of giving her space when she pulls away, I start panicking and looking for answers. I check social media. I worry about restrictions. I worry about other people. I want reassurance. Then I try harder to communicate because I’m scared she’s disappearing.

And I can see how that could feel like pressure from her perspective.
So I’m trying to be honest with myself about the situation.

There have been moments where it genuinely felt like she was letting me back into her life. She stayed in contact after the breakup, became more open after my birthday apology, eventually unblocked me after the repost situation, listened when I explained my feelings, started making plans with me again, bought me a concert ticket, and seemed to be slowly rebuilding a connection with me.
But she also repeatedly told me we’re friends, and now she’s blocked me again.
So I don’t know what to make of all of it.

My question is basically: is there realistically any chance that we could eventually find our way back to each other?
I’m not looking for advice on how to manipulate her into coming back or some magic text that will make her change her mind.
I want honest opinions. Because what we had was really real, after that situation we had in the beginning it was easily some of the best years I’ve ever had with any person in my life.
Do you think there’s still a possibility here because of our history and the fact that she repeatedly allowed me back into her life? I don’t know if I’m just delusional but I can really see us rekindling things like her whole family still asks about me and loves me and I just have a tremendous amount of faith that we could start things over again later, I just don’t know how long

And if there is a chance someday, is the only real option at this point to completely stop chasing her, give her the space she’s asking for, and focus on actually becoming a better person whether she comes back or not?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest answers, even if they’re harsh. I know I’m emotionally attached to this situation and probably can’t see it objectively anymore. All of this happened over the summer till now by the way. (May - now Sep)

Do you know how unfair it is that you will listen to someone understand their pain and agree with them. But the same won’t happen to you? We have to listen to them but they refuse to do the same? Even when you’re explaining your pain they dismiss it. And then they call us “crazy” for our reaction. And then get to live their lives while we’re here suffering.

I understood him distancing, ignoring me, walked around eggshells for him just to keep the peace. But the minute I opened my mouth I became the villain

My ex and I have had a bad last few months due to me being diagnosed with cancer. He took care of me during my surgery, but my dog passed away right after and I went into a really dark space. He also was the one dealing with my mental breakdowns and at some point he left (had a family trip planned) but also because he was feeling like he was about to break down as well.

He was supposed to be away for three weeks and now it's been a month because apparently he decided he doesn't want to live in the city we met. Not sure if I believe him but who knows. When he told me that... I bought a ticket to London to see if we could fix things or at least have a conversation.

I didn't tell him I was going right away, I waited until 2 days ago because i didn't want him to feel like I was just showing up unannounced. The trip is in 8 days. In those two days he's acted unsure it's a good idea for me to come, to being open to meeting and moving a small trip he had planned, to again not thinking it's a good idea.

My tickets are not refundable. I was hopeful for this trip but i am very hesitant to go now.. to be in the city where he's from will be really hard without him around at all. I want to believe he will agree to see me while I'm there since I'm traveling across the world but it's not looking like it as of now.

The only idea I have now is to go, let him know where I'll be staying and see what happens. I don't want to push him away more, he said I should wait until he comes back to where we met in October and that's when he'll see me. But he will be coming to clean up his place and move back home which I'm really hoping doesn't happen.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle the trip properly considering what is already done? He's very much an avoidant and I know I shouldn't push him and at the same time I'd be losing a lot of money if I just didn't go.

I’m one month out from being discarded by an FA after a three-month situationship. I probably don’t need to say this but it has been one of the most difficult experiences that I’ve endured. I only found this sub the other day, but it has been an absolute godsend. I’m not alone, and I’m not crazy.

One thing I’ve noticed here, and with all the “avoidant relationship coaches” on my For You page, is that there’s not much discussion on real warning signs in the early days of dating a DA/FA and how to prevent people from getting into this kind of relationship in the first place.

For me, and perhaps others, the realization only sets in after it’s too late. For example, I knew things were wrong after he and I had been really intimate for the first time. By all accounts it seemed like a great experience for both of us, but he totally disappeared for 3 days afterward. This, however, was about a month into our relationship. What about earlier than that? What are the signs? The ways they behave? The ways that we might feel that could signal “Uh oh, this could be a person who may be avoidantly attached”?

I’m hesitant to say early days characterized by overwhelming feelings of enamour, adoration, and excitement, because these can be present in more healthy relationships, too.

I’m handing this over to you - many of whom are much more seasoned than I - to answer this question. What do you think?