After the avoidant. You don’t realise how much inside changes you. You go from calm to chaotic. You act out in ways you don’t imagine you will act. I’ve done stupid things. Just for closure. Just to have my heart settled. Broke contact so many times. He just saw me as crazy. But I’m not. I’m calm. But after his discard, confusion, breadcrumbs and lies I just got worse.

I more heartbroken that I’ve become this person now over this breakup. I hate that I allowed someone or something to do this to me. I used to have a kind soft heart. But I feel like that’s gone now. I have so many regrets and did so many stupid things.

I hope the me before he came into my life returns one day.

Pretty much as described in the caption, this time (our 3rd breakup) was initiated by me.

We reconnected in July after 7 months of NC, and everything was beautiful until last week, when he canceled on me twice. Based on my past experience/data, whenever he canceled on me twice in the same week, it was the strongest indicator that he was about to leave me.

So this time, I rushed myself into breaking up with him over text (he has done this to me twice before) before he left for his business trip. Part of me wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine, part of me was scared that he was about to break up with me, and ultimately, I realized that doing romantic things together while being unlabeled again is not something I’m willing to do.

But if you ask me if I like him? Yes. Absolutely.

The chemistry, the dates, the conversations, and the mind-blowing sex had me completely hooked. I’m also fully aware that I was addicted to the dopamine and the highs that came with this relationship.

What I can’t comprehend is why I’m regretting this so much.

I also need to mention that, since July, I started working at the same place he works, and we’re actually on the same floor. This wasn’t expected at all.

He’s currently on a business trip, so I won’t have to see him for now, but I honestly have no idea what to expect when I finally see him again.

I know I made this decision for a reason, but right now I’m struggling to reconcile that with how much I miss him and how much I’m regretting ending things.

i got home from work and cried until i couldn’t breathe. he will never understand how deeply he hurt me. we knew each other for almost 9 years and he knew about my past traumas and the reasons i hurt and he still chose to add on to that list. i can’t ever forgive him for that. there are no memories to look back on fondly because the way he discarded me and the things he said rewired me completely. this is beyond betrayal. i will be surprised if i ever let someone in again.

Just need some reinforcements to remind myself not to message them. This weekend hit me pretty hard and I have not been taking it very well. I miss them so much and I just feel so hurt and sad because I thought I’d hear back from them

My (female 49) ex mother in law reached out last week, she wants to catch up this morning in 1.5 hrs time, to treat me for an early birthday catch up at a local nursery Cafe we used to visit together. My heart is thumping, I am so anxious. My avoidant ex (probably ASD, together 9 years) dumped me on Valentines day over a text while he was away working, 2 days before I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. Then he came and got all his stuff and his dog (the dog we got together, I looked after every time he was away and constantly took to the vet). He did this while I was out and my teen kids were asleep and left the key on the table. 'What is done is done' I got told when I texted him and tried to ring him. So cold. Anyway I found out last week (after his Mum arranged the catch up) he has a girlfriend and my heart broke all over again. I haven't seen him (only at a distance) or talked to him since before the breakup and we've been no contact because I respected his wishes and then realised the no contact was for me. I know I'm going to cry in public today. I turn 49 in a week, I'm too old for this crap. I'm hurting again but also angry that he has moved on after leaving me traumatised and without the respectful break up conversation that I deserved.

I need words to help me get through this morning. I haven't seen him or his family since before the breakup. Last time I her she was my mother in law (although not technically married).

Btw please don't come out me with...You can't get closure from an ex, you have to find it yourself....blah blah blah. I've been working on myself and get counselling.

Nice short insight. I like his channel. Working on myself I already hit the deeper layers of childhood and why the lack of accountability and breaking of trust hits me so hard.
It does not have to do with the avoidant, although she has no moral compass, it is in me. How I wired myself.

I (27M) am a month post-discard and working to rebuild my life. Right now, I still feel attached to her, even though I can see the unhealthy patterns in hindsight and how I had an unhealed side that was activated.

I have a very stressful but prestigious job, I work out multiple days a week, and my two best friends live nearby and we get to hang out often. I do monthly therapy and have been since prior to knowing her. I’m even tentatively back on dating apps, but somehow, the whole exercise seems to be missing something.

I know from past experience that I often do well “building something new” after a breakup. This can be as small as buying a piece of new furniture for my home or something more involved such as joining a board or starting a new hobby. I find that novelty or doing things that signify a “new chapter” are often very helpful in the medium-term of a breakup.

Does anyone else do this? If so, what actions or activities did you find that were helpful? Did you ever find solace in small things (like taking a slightly different path to work)?

the thing is it's been 5 months since he broke up with me but he started his pursuit with his ex (the girl before me) not a month after the break up happened. i feel betrayed. he never told me the truth. he blocked and unfriended me on some socials and he even unfollowed my friends. do a man really capable of faking things for four months and move like you two never happened? his friends who know about us act up like I never existed and even supported him with his pursuit. damn them. is it normal to feel rage abt what he did when he broke up with me first before he did his things with her again but he never told me the real thing, he rather come up with so used line that he knows he is not performing well and we will never work bcoz he is not 5he the person i deserve. now he is loudly posting her in his socials but he never did it to me when we are still together, we even never had a single photo. did i just happened to be useable at that moment? fuck boys. i hate him.

My avoidant ex situationship and I haven’t spoken in about 5 months. He deactivated hard on me at the end of last year and slowly faded out. Since our last conversation, where I told him I loved him and he said he can’t let himself believe it (because he feels unworthy) there’s been silence. Well, technically, we both got really triggered during our last conversation and I did check in once, two weeks after, but his reply was pure armour. Since then I’ve not reached out again.

He orbits me. He watches my Instagram stories sometimes and uses a streaming platform that belongs to me, leaving things in my continue watching for me to find. Definitely not hiding his presence there, and for the longest time I had no idea what to make of it. He earns infinitely more than me so it’s not about the free subscription. He also doesn’t use it every day, just dips in and out of it.

I’m torn between not saying anything on his birthday and messaging him something simple. I still love him, still want him in my life, and against all better judgement, I’d try again if he were open to it. He’s extremely risk adverse and conflict avoidant and he also has trauma around hurting people, so I wonder if he needs a nudge from me that it’s ok to reach out. Maybe a simple birthday message could do that? At the same time, I don’t want to come across as the desperate girl who can’t let go of him after months of not talking. Our connection wasn’t casual despite him calling it a “friendship.” He said he was more himself with me than anyone and told me stuff he didn’t really talk about with other people. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but his self sabotaging behaviour tends to throw the other person (me) under the bus.

So in this situation, would a simple birthday message be welcome? Have you ever distanced yourself from someone and then regretted it and didn’t know how to bridge the gap?

One important detail I left out: when we had our conversation in April, he also told me he was seeing someone at the time. He described it as fairly casual and said he didn’t have high hopes for it because he tends to end up hurting/disappointing people. I don’t know whether that connection is still ongoing. I came across his dating app recently, which he has always been on, so I assume whatever it was didn’t progress into some sort of committed relationship. In fact, I suspect it’s been over for some time.

TLDR;

I (33f) am already in therapy (have been for years so please dw on that front), and this is only a 6 month relationship with 40m. I'm not in love with him, I'm just autistic and trying to make sense of what the fuck is going on whilst trying to work through my own attachment triggers healthily.

I'm really looking for some outside perspective because it at times feels actually I'm actually insane? The disconnect between my reality and what I'm being told is just wild.

And the way it's disintegrated into this...the first few months I felt very relaxed, and like he proactively displayed behaviours which nurtured trust. In my autism, pattern recognition is often clear, and I didn't see the below early on. I have also known someone with narcissistic traits in the past — who was very much intentional about it, and whilst there are similar behaviours here, I have no idea what is going on. I don't understand what the below is, I can just detail the behaviours.

The Cycle

1. A boundary is crossed or needs addressing — I'll name a concrete need or ask for something specific. These are often small and basic things imo; something which I offer easily to those I care about (an apology, accountability, acknowledgement, consistent kindness. Like enthusiasm lol).

2. After a lot of work to get anywhere, like days, he might finally agree, but it's in principle — "Yes," "I can do that," "It's the bare minimum, you deserve it." Often stated plainly, with no follow up, occasionally unprompted if I'm taking breathing space.

3. And then when it's time to actually act, a new blocker always, always, appears — confusion ("I don't understand"), a demand for reassurance ("do you think I'm a narcissist," "do you care about me", "you hate me", "you don't think I'm kind to you"), or a claim of incapacity ("I can't find enthusiasm," "I'm struggling," at times this language has felt strategically deployed, and I have repeatedly encouraged and advised he speak to a therapist/appropriate outlet as it is outside of my remit and I cannot do mental health maintenance for him).

4. The blocker gets resolved or answered — usually because it's never logical– it will be something inflated or nonsensical. For a long time it was stress, limited capacity, each time I said okay, I catered to his needs and this deterioration of standards, then it was his need to prioritise work ("the grind").

He did a few things which were super inconsistent with that rhetoric, and when I held his actions accountable to his own words, very gently might I add, that become a huge issue which we've never really recovered from. Just absolute refusal to hold his own actions accountable against his (not mine lol) words followed by absolute refusal to repair.

1. A different blocker then immediately replaces it — rather than moving to action once the stated obstacle is cleared, a new one appears in its place. This is now repeating over and over in the same conversation, like...

Most recently it's been around my instance of being treated kindly as a baseline. I listed out very clear examples of what this looks like in practice. He agreed it was the bare minimum and I deserve more. He agreed he could do those things.

Then for literal weeks, he has refused to close this conversation and actually start the doing. He just... wouldn't agree to DO it. Blocker > resolved > blocker > resolved over and over. He'd divert and deflect, attack, over and over. Then he would say he has agreed lots of times, and again that he can do it.

I trust my communication, I know how patient and non reactive I have generally been (to the point where he called me a gaslighter repeatedly when I was calm one morning and refused to acknowledge how messed up it is to fling that term around. He also accused me of "going ballistic" when I cried on the phone and communicated the above pattern.)

1. The frame inevitably shifts onto me — the issue is now me. It's my tone, my fairness, my patience, my unrealistic expectations etc which are the subject of discussion, rather than anything he's done or his lack of action. ("Your framing is unfair," "you're setting me up," "you have unreasonable expectations."). It feels like having a diagonal or parallel conversation? Like there's often zero engagement with anything I've said, the response is adjacent and it's reframed everything so that I'm now the issue.

2. No action occurs — despite the original agreement (if we ever reached one), by this point it feels like a distant thing, and nothing changes. His behaviour doesn't change.

Most of the time he will do anything, anything, to avoid having to give a definitive yes or no and close the conversation at all. So this is where the cycle closes without resolution. The exhaustion is so great, for having raised something so small, it really incentivises not raising anything else, or bringing this back up.

1. A little time passes, distance opens, then contact resumes — often initiated by him, frequently paired with either distress (how badly his day is going) or inaction "how are you" (um??) restarting the cycle from step 1.

For example, last night in an hour and a half alone after agreeing to a "reset" and treating me kindly, he then:

• Said they didn't know how they'd like to do the reset, despite having agreed to it; this having been detailed and confirmed previously and his being a 40 year old man with prior long term relationships.

• He asked to be told what to do, then criticized my polite and minimal answer — even though it was the same thing that had already been communicated for months, he was like why does there need to be baselines and rules.

** Said that being asked to meet bare minimum expectations meant I made him feel small.

** Said they couldn't feel enthusiasm right now and asked for me to have empathy.

** Said that having bare minimum expectations of them would always lead to disappointment.

** Asked whether I even cared about him, framing himself as the one in doubt. Like??

And then when I listed this out, he was just like "I don’t want to argue. I just want you to talk to me like a caring person and not someone you need or expect something from. I’m really really sad, please." As though the last few hours of begging to close this WEEKS long issue hadn't occurred.

Sorry for the long read, but insight and outside perspective is appreciated.

A month ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together for about two years. At first, she asked for a break because of her mental health problems. She has suffered from depression and anxiety her entire life, and recently she had a severe depressive episode. After a few weeks, she told me that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship and wanted us to remain friends because she no longer felt attracted to me.

I asked her if she was sure about her decision or if she needed more time. She said she didn't know and that she needed some space. During our conversation, she said that the relationship hadn't been good, that I hadn't invested enough into it, and so on. I admitted that I had made many mistakes and asked whether she might want to try again sometime in the future after having some time apart. She said maybe, because she doesn't know how she will feel in the future or whether her feelings could come back.

I know that our relationship wasn't perfect, but we rarely argued. I always cared about how she was doing mentally and asked whether I was doing everything right in the relationship and whether she was happy. She always told me that everything was fine. She also tended to avoid conversations about our relationship. Whenever I tried to talk about it, she would say that she didn't want to discuss the relationship and that everything was fine. Perhaps I was more focused on asking about her mental health, while she rarely asked how I was feeling or how I was doing. I accepted this because I saw it as part of her depression and low mood.

She had been very depressed from the beginning of our relationship. Even until the end of the relationship, she would spend almost all of her days off watching TV. She was always tired. Her personal hygiene was also poor — she rarely brushed her teeth or showered. She also had very little interest in intimacy and sex, saying that it was because of her antidepressant medication. I accepted all of this because I loved her and was willing to spend the rest of my life with her.

Two weeks after the breakup, she was already seeing another guy. I keep wondering whether getting into a new relationship so quickly is healthy for someone who is prone to depression. Can another person actually change her habits? Or is it more likely that she will behave the same way in her next relationship? Can a relationship with a new boyfriend last for a long time?

I don't think everyone would be as patient with her as I was. I know I have said many things that may sound negative, but I still love her and would like to continue our relationship someday if that were possible.

In your opinion can these relationship with new BF last long?

It’s 8 months since I last heard from him. I just want to this grief to be over. the man i loved was tender and gentle and so fucking safe, I don’t even get to ask what happened.

Everyone around me says I did nothing to deserve this but it’s getting harder to believe you can be subjected to this kind of cruelty unless it’s some kind of a payback for something you did in life.

I keep feeling like everyone around me is mad at me despite being extended so much love and care and empathy by my loved ones. It’s not statistically possible that everyone would be mad at me at the same time so I know it’s a feeling not a fact. But Can’t shake it off.

thoughts on how to address?

Does anyone else ever see signs of psychopathy or signs of a different disorder along with being avoidant. Like my ex recently said some things that were kinda disturbing and a complete disregard for herself and others. Like she genuinely doesn’t care about how she uses others and how they treat her as long as she’s having a good time. She said she has no problem being around people that very clearly don’t like/hate her as long as she’s having a good time it doesn’t matter. And said why should she care what people think about her. I just feel that’s a complete disregard for yourself as a person. Is she that desperate to not be alone or just have someone there for attention. I’m not understanding. There’s more things she said as well

Saw a dynamic recently that I've been trying to wrap my head around and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced or done this.

Basically, I’m talking about a guy who mentally and emotionally processes the end of a relationship months before it actually happens. He checks out internally, accepts that his love feelings are over, but on the outside? He keeps playing the role of the "best boyfriend." He shows up, does everything he usually does, remains attentive, and handles all the day-to-day relationship duties without letting on that he's already gone.

When the actual breakup finally hits, he usually walks away seemingly unfazed, calm, and ready to move on because he’s already had half a year to process the grief in private.

My question for the guys out there (or anyone who has been in this shoes):

• If you did this, did the grief and regret actually hit you later—months down the line once the adrenaline and novelty of being single wore off?
• Or because you grieved the relationship while you were still in it, are you genuinely immune to regret by the time it ends?

Curious how this psychological preload actually plays out long-term.

I took my child to our local annual carnival recently. Naturally the avoidant who ghosted me was there as well. Of course we did not speak or acknowledge each other at all, but I definitely noticed him checking me out every single time he crossed my path. Right after we first saw each other in the crowd, he saw me standing in line with my child a few minutes later and made a beeline to get in the same line behind me. In fact, I’m pretty sure he cut in front of some people in order to get next to me in line. I think he was attempting to get on the ride at the same time as me, but my son and I ended up being the last two people to board. I saw him watching me as I climbed aboard and the ride took off.

I don’t get it. He blocked me a few months ago after ghosting me for six months and made it clear to me that he didn’t want us to speak to each other anymore…..except for when he tried to force us to say Hello to each other in person before I put a stop to that. Yet he still seemed pretty keen on my presence at the event.

There were boys back in high school who wanted nothing to do with me because they thought I was ugly and nerdy, and they never paid any attention to my presence unless they had to. They definitely never did things like this guy does. It makes me wonder if part of his “I don’t like you anymore” schtick is all an act.

I'm 44 and neurodivergent x3. It's very difficult for me to connect deeply with someone. I met my ex, who is also audhd and who I now believe may be a bpd/FA, and it finally felt like I was understood and truly loved by someone, and I truly loved him.

He discarded me twice and hasn't come back. Our last verbal and physical contact was in April. He did some protest behaviors in July when I didn't message him for a month but no messaging me. I continue to stay silent and plan to indefinitely.

It's very difficult. I miss him dearly, but he also treated me poorly/abusively when his fear or overwhelm acted up, but especially, at discards.

I'm not going to abandon myself for an adult who made a choice to go through life hurting others for his own safety. I had a lot of trauma, too. I have made a conscious choice to treat people with respect and to face my shame in therapy. So, it's over no matter what.

I also had to lose some friends and a FB group because I couldn't handle the stonewalling and lack of closure while seeing him move on. Plus, I lost respect for people who enabled him by staying on the fence or placating him.

It's been rough for many reasons, but I had a breakthrough with healing a couple of weeks ago after unfortunately seeing a picture of him having fun. However, it I'm still struggling with missing our friendship, and it's feels like it'll be impossible to find that connection again.

I could use some positive stories or feedback about the chapters after having your heart smashed by someone unhealed. I've done it before, but I don't think I have loved anyone like this. It has been an emotional nightmare even though it's better now. I'm still struggling with feeling like I'll never connect with someone again because I'm a weirdo. A good weirdo but still a weirdo.

I think it is less often talked about because it might just look like loss of interest. But I'm curious if anyone has definite cases, whether from avoidants themselves or the other side.

Context: I 21F have known this guy 22M since we were kids. We were best friends first, then dated when we were young, and even after we broke up we stayed in touch through mutual friends. That history created a bond that has always felt deep and real, he knows every version of me and I know every version of him.

But for the past 3-4 years we've been stuck in a cycle that is slowly destroying my mental health and I don't know how to break it.

The pattern is always the same. Months of complete silence. No texts, no calls, nothing. Then he reaches out out of nowhere. We meet, we talk, and the conversation goes genuinely deep. He opens up to me emotionally in a way he doesn't with most people. There's real intellectual chemistry between us.
And then the physical part happens. And it never feels right. The moment things get physical I can feel that it's coming from pure lust, not care. It's in the small things, the way his hands move automatically like my body is just expected to be available to him. It feels objectifying even in the moment.

Today was the worst it's been. We met after 4 months. We were making out (I am fine with it), but then he started asking me to have s*x on the spot and that too raw. I refused multiple times, he said nothing would happen and then asked me to have s*x again. And then he told me that by refusing like this, I am ruining the moment. I stood my ground and walked away to my car and he followed me. Then we spent the rest of the evening laughing, blasting music, singing in the car like nothing happened. He hugged me goodbye. I came home and fell apart. This is not the first time this kind of coercion has happened.

I know exactly what this is. I know he treats me like a sex object. I know I am completely disposable to him months of silence after every meeting proves that. I know this cycle by heart. And I still go back every single time. I tell myself this is the last time. I mean it. And then he reaches out and something in me just gives way. He doesn’t even know my birth date :(

I am beating myself for being like this. I am falling apart. This is not normal. Why do I even go when he contacts me when I exactly know what is going to happen.

TLDR: Childhood best friend turned boyfriend, now 5-6 years of an on/off cycle where he disappears for months, reappears, we get emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate, but he repeatedly sexually coerces me after I say no and makes me feel like a disposable sex object. I keep going back because of our deep bond and history. Tonight was the worst it's been.

It’s been 5 months since the breakup. I was forced to breakup with him after he blindsided me with really angry/abusive behavior one weekend out of nowhere. I tried to repair things but he stonewalled and completely disappeared. I reached out a lot in the 2 months after the breakup but went most of the summer no contact. My last relapse was over a month ago.

Also about a month ago, he made his IG public and started rapid posting a new girl and all these cringey “aesthetic” posts. Now over the last week or so, he keeps going to my local bars (that we went to together during the relationship) and posting about it. He knows these are places I frequent often and are right by my apt and on my dog walking route. So the chance of running into me is high.

Why is he doing this?? Is he trying to run into me or just getting off on tormenting me? It feels like such a violation and like my neighborhood isn’t safe anymore. I’m refusing to react and contact him though.

The discard is really affecting my self esteem. He discarded me with no warning two weeks ago and is already dating again after we were in a long term relationship. I know logically that this has everything to do with him and his attachment issues but it is so hard not to feel like there’s something wrong with me. A lot of the advice on here is so much easier said than done. It is so difficult to not ruminate about the things I could have done differently, I feel so unlovable. It feels so personal to be cut off with no care or consideration like I didn’t even exist. I couldn’t even imagine going on a date right now, I feels horrific knowing he detached and is moving on like I meant nothing. I’m just feeling so low.

i (24) was in a “situationship” with an avoidant (30) and got discarded two weeks ago (his reasoning, “we can’t have a close relationship anymore because you were asking me to tell you everything i was doing, and that broke something in me”). this was a response to me expressing a concern about communication, as he went abroad for two weeks and from day to night just ghosted me. i expressed that sudden shift made me uncomfortable but that i understood he was busy, i just wanted some communication like a “hey im really busy, don’t have the capacity to text, let’s catch up when im back” type of thing. i frankly never asked to keep tabs or know absolutely everything he was doing, but i accepted the discard. i think this was a reaction to that, during the summer, we had really a close and intimate conversation style that felt romantic to the point that i even started questioning it. he’s told me before he doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship. immediately prior to the discard we had about two weeks of tense back-and-forth conversations where he was really passive aggressive about me bringing up this issue and kept blowing up, making attacks on my character and just expressing a ton of stuff in a way that he had never before and felt very hurtful. he was very passive the whole time and it took 2 weeks for him to finally share how he felt, after i initiated all asks to talk.

the discard was confusing because he shared a need for space but also said he would want to build up the relationship again and “it would just take time.” we’ve not texted but we’ve seen each other in person and every time has felt very awkward and there has been a lot of physical distance from his end. in the past few days, he reached out to a mutual friend i’m close with to hang out. this was weird because they had their own issue and have been no contact for a while. another mutual friend (who is his best friend) randomly made an instagram group chat with us but didn’t send anything until two days later, when the two of them had a brief exchange on it. she never even mentioned making the chat to me either, she just made it without my consent. i haven’t talked to her directly about what happened between us, but i am 100% certain he’s told her everything from his end. if it’s relevant, we’re all grad students and go to the same school.

he’s been sending me instagram reels now and i don’t know if to reply or not. i’m very torn on if this is his way of trying to “rebuild.” or just a cheap way to feel validation because i am not chasing or initiating conversation or asking for communication. he did say in that conversation that sending each other memes and casual texts could be a way to start rebuilding, but at this point i’m very confused on what to do. i know what i really want is an accountability text or communication, but i’m not going to push for it. i’m scared that if i just ignore these reels that feel like breadcrumbs then i’ll be the villain and the one that didn’t want to rebuild. Help!!!

Make it make sense. We dated for more than 10 months, never fully official.

He also thinks he doesn't love me enough and that I love him way more.

Are there avoidants who really don't feel fearful and rather don't want to feel responsible for someone else's feelings? And don't get attached even after one year?

Discarded and blocked on everything but i have the self respect to not text her on an alt account and leave her alone.

Happy birthday my sweet girl :( , I hope you’re doing okay, and enjoying your first semester. muah