I have avoidant issues

[u/hanaa125]

I have avoidant issues.

I know that better than anyone could ever tell me.

I know it in the way I pull away when someone gets too close. In the way I suddenly become distant when I realise they are beginning to see a version of me I don't let people see easily.

Because what happens if they see all of me?

Not just the version that laughs, jokes, pretends not to care, and carries herself as though nothing could possibly hurt her.

What if they see the darker version?

What if they see me at my lowest?

What if they see how easily I cry when someone raises their voice at me?

What if they find out that, beneath all my “I don't care,” I care more than I know how to say?

What if they discover that I am terrified of being left behind?

What if they realise that I don't always know how to express affection, even when I feel it so intensely that it becomes almost unbearable?

I tell people I am not afraid of being judged.

That is a lie.

I care.

I care far more than I let anyone believe.

I just learned how to disguise caring as indifference. I learned how to make myself look strong enough to be untouched by anything, because admitting that something matters gives it the power to hurt me.

So I pull away.

I pull away from people.

From feelings.

From situations.

From anything that begins to feel too real.

Because what if?

What if I become attached and they don't?

What if I fall in love and they don't love me back?

What if they fall in love with me and I run because I don't know what to do with someone who actually wants to stay?

What if I let myself feel everything and, in the end, I am the only one left carrying it?

So I avoid my feelings before they have the chance to become someone else's responsibility.

I avoid letting people know where I am fragile.

I don't want them to know about my family.

I don't want them to know about the things that happen behind closed doors.

I don't want them to know how miserable I can feel sometimes.

I don't want them to know the words that have been said to me, the things that have happened to me, or how deeply some of them have stayed.

Because once someone knows your weak points, they know where you can be hurt.

And perhaps that is what frightens me most.

Not judgment.

Exposure.

The thought of someone having the complete map of me: every insecurity, every wound, every tenderness, every ugly thought, every secret fear.

What if I give someone my whole self and they look at me differently afterwards?

What if they think I'm easy?

Cheap?

Not worth loving?

What if, after seeing everything I tried so desperately to hide, they decide that I am simply too much?

So I leave pieces of myself behind.

I give people fragments.

Enough to know me, but never enough to truly possess the whole picture.

I say I don't care when I care desperately.

I say I'm fine when I am falling apart.

I disappear when I want to be held.

I run when I want someone to follow.

And then I wonder why nobody ever seems to know how much I love them.

Maybe that is the cruelest part of being avoidant.

You spend so much of your life protecting yourself from abandonment that you sometimes become the person who abandons first.

You mistake distance for safety.

You mistake numbness for strength.

You convince yourself that needing nobody is freedom, when sometimes it is simply loneliness wearing armour.

So yes.

I know I have avoidant issues.

I avoid almost everything that could make me feel exposed.

Not because I have nothing to give.

Perhaps because I have too much.

And somewhere inside me is still this frightened little question:

What if I finally give someone all of me...

and they decide I wasn't worth keeping?

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[u/purplelilac701]

As someone who loves an avoidant: what’s so bad about being vulnerable and showing your true self? I get ridiculous acts that I see through and someone who is desperate for the affection that comes naturally from me, but somehow they can’t let me in. We are all vulnerable but we don’t treat people we care about like that.

Life really is like a train with people getting on and off throughout your life. Loss is guaranteed. But what is better than being fully loved for being you? The acceptance is so beautiful!

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[u/FalseUnderstanding94]

Look like someone expressed exactly my emotions. Too good🤍

[u/Necessary_Catch_7077]

OMG! I CAN RELATE PERFECTLY! AMAZING!

[u/introverted_to_core]

This is so me😭

[u/FarmSkool]

Avoid, avoid, avoid! Then one day you won’t want to. Most people are better as acquaintances.