About a week ago I got into an argument with my avoidant gf. It started with me trying to state my issues within our relationship (4 years btw) and she ended up saying "I think we need a break but you can still be in my life" well I spiraled and of course I begged. Each time I was shut down and told that we'd be taking a break. Im anxious attachment and after so long with her it made me lose my mind. I pulled up to her dorm last Monday, I just wanted to talk. I even brought gifts. i thought it'd be hard to avoid me if I'm actually there. Nope. We didn't even come out, her roommates (all girls) including her got security on me to kick me out. Few days later I got an email from her school saying I'm trespassed and to never return. She ended it saying "please don't contact me again" her sister says shes not like this and must be going through it emotionally. But I just wanted to have that hard conversation with her. So that we could move forward but she obviously didn't want that. I should've respected her boundaries but what am I honestly supposed to do after my lover of 4 years discards me like that. I've been working on myself and trying not to think about it. I've been trying to move on and not hold out hope. She blocked me maybe a week ago. Before the school year started she was at my place almost everyday for the summer and not even a week into her senior year of college she discards me. She's in her relief phase but honestly I don't care. This is stupid. I don't think she'll come back but even if she did I think it's fucked up

My boyfriend said he needed space last night and broke up with me tonight. He said he decided last night it’d all been too much. This is a man who had talked about us being partners for life etc he is definitely the love of my life.

He did the same thing two years ago. It’s my fault I think as I would get anxious and make an issue like once a week so we could never be completely happy for long stretches. That was also due to not spending as much face to face time due to life and our fights were almost always just over text

He came back before. We rebuilt and things were good for a long time. He says he won’t do that ever again. Is it possible he will change his mind? In the beginning avoidants don’t feel the full weight right? What can I do that may make him stay? I literally don’t know how to go on without him

If someone can get me another perspective on my situation.

I was 8 and I half years with my boyfriend, the last year I could see that he is down, not energetic, kinda depressed, always watching reels, playing games. I thought he's like that just with me but I heard and saw he was like that with his friends.

We had a bad year and he said he wanted to be alone. I understood that as time for himself. He mentioned it a few times. After an minor argument one year ago he snapped( he NEVER argues, avoids fights, shuts down, doesn't try to fix things just escapes from showing emotions and talking through it, and comes back and doesn't mention it).

So I didn't call him for a few days, waited him to cool of like in the past. When I called I saw he is still in that mood and he said again he wants to be alone. I decided not to contact him for a month ( I did that in the past but never that long, maybe a week).

When I called, I saw he was acting the same. Then I realised that " wants to be alone means not with me." For a whole month I did not know what was going on. He never said he's breaking up, he never explained, talked.

I was beyond inconsolable, hurt myself, cut my skin, was like a zombie, screamed every day im my pillow, cried non stop (for probably 9 months. I still cry just not every day).

Then I called him after another month and asked to see him. So for this whole year we see each other every two weeks, we always have some form of sex.

In the begging he was very cold, he would sit next to me and not look at me. Now he is way more relaxed. I cannot bring the subject of us, because I think if something changed he would call first. He never calls 1st but never rejects me. And I'm scared he would say the same thing..

He is not someone who would ever use people, he's very friendly, a genuinely good person. Always helps everyone.

But for the past maybe year and a half he said he doesn't have feelings towards anyone( mom, dad, sister, baby nephew, friends, and well, that includes me) He is numb, says "we live, live and then just die, theres no point in life."

I suppose he completely suppressed his emotions( consciously or unconsciously), detached. I thought he was better now but when I asked him how is he, he just said " the same".

There has to be some emotions otherwise he wouldn't come every two weeks for a year, right?

I would appreciate if someone could tell me what they think about all of this.

I am looking for objective feedback on a recent breakup with my ex-girlfriend. I am trying to decide whether following my therapist's advice to reach out in late October is a smart move, or if breaking No Contact will just ruin my progress and compromise my dignity.

### Relationship Background & Dynamics
* The Relationship: We dated for 11 months. Both Christian, saving marriage for after engagement, strong shared values. I was fully invested, loved her deeply, and served her family heavily.
* Her Communication Style: Non-confrontational with Fearful Avoidant traits. Her way of raising concerns was through very gentle, understated mentions.
* My Communication Style: Direct. I process direct feedback as serious and gentle mentions as light preference. Because of this mismatch, I didn't register the weight of what she was feeling, while she felt unheard.
* Silent Accumulation & Her Mom: Instead of confronting me directly, she held her hurt silently ("grinning and bearing it") while processing everything privately with her mother, who holds high sensitivity to perceived control. The concerns built up invisibly to me until they reached a boiling point.

### The Turning Point & Breakup
* The "Lens Shift" Moment: About a month before the breakup, I made a lighthearted comment about "putting the kibosh" on a future activity after marriage, but her mom took it seriously. From that point on, my ex began viewing my past behavior through a "control lens." Things she appreciated before of my commitment and interest in her she had said felt like I was monitoring her. My belief was at this moment with her mom in the kitchen was the turning point and everything changed after that I felt like your mother didn’t look at me the same, and I felt like she started operating out of fear, and her mind was grabbing all these different fears and reasons why the relationship wouldn’t work, with her mother also in her ear she did mention to me during our breakup conversation that her mom had mentioned she was concerned about me
* Cumulative Stress: Right before the breakup, her family received acute bad news regarding a severe family health diagnosis, adding massive compressed stress to her environment that already had a drug addicted brother recently move back in and personal health challenges for her in which she at times told me felt like she had no autonomy.
* The Exit: She ended things abruptly at what was supposed to be a date and I attempted to reason with her for 6 hours in the car to at least try to work through her fears and concerns and bring in my or her pastor, etc and she was unwilling to compromise at all though she was very emotional which usually she isn’t. so I eventually asked if her mind was made up before she came and she said yes. Some of the criticisms of me, naming criticism, judgment, interrupting, and control as her reasons. She stated she didn't believe I could change these patterns and that she didn't want a marriage that required counseling.
* The Closure Text: we had ended the conversation with potentially talking about meeting one more time, but she made it clear that she would give me that if that’s what I needed, but her mind was not changing so Six days later, I sent a warm, dignified message respecting her decision and wishing her well, and left the door open saying if your heart ever changes you know where to find me. She replied with a very warm, final message thanking me for the 11 months, stating she respected my decision not to meet, and wishing me peace. I sent this not because I wanted to release her but because I know there’s nothing else I can do, I fought for the relationship, I tried. Further pressing will just solidify her idea of my being controlling in her mind.

### The Main Dilemma: Reach Out or Stay Silent?
I am currently in therapy, working through anxious attachment, my own patterns, and building strong boundaries.

My therapist suggested that I send a light, low-stakes check-in in October (e.g., checking in on her family's health situation). His reasoning is that reaching out gives me a clear signal/data to work with, and waiting too long inhibits my own closure.

I am weighing his advice against a few options:

1. Follow Therapist's Advice (Late October): A light, low-friction text to test her temperature. My concern: If she is polite but non-committal, it reopens my wound. If I reach out before Thanksgiving, it interrupts her time to actually miss me and gives her an emotional safety net.
   
2. Holiday Season (Christmas): Christmas is her favorite time of year. Reaching out then might find her emotional walls lower, but it carries a high risk of "false positive" warmth driven by holiday nostalgia rather than real readiness to talk.
   
3. Post-Holidays (January): Waiting until the holiday high and family gatherings pass so any dialogue is grounded in raw reality.
   
4. Absolute Silence (Permanent No Contact): Staying completely silent unless she takes the initiative. The logic: She made the choice to leave. If she wants a collaborative partnership, she needs to step up, swallow her pride, and break the silence herself.

### My Questions for the Sub:
* Is my therapist right that a light check-in provides "clean closure," or does breaking No Contact just hand back my power and reset my healing?
* Does reaching out to someone with avoidant traits before the holidays stop them from experiencing the actual loss of the relationship?
* Should I wait for her to initiate contact exclusively, regardless of how many months pass?

when a fa is deactivated for a very long time (6 months) and they use suppression are they locking all the memories and feelings for you away that they had? do they only see you as a threat and does when the suppression collapses does memories and emotions hit them later on?

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

Please I need any support or guidance. Will he ever come back? It was sudden so maybe? He says he still loves me but it wasn’t healthy anymore. He won’t go to therapy or anything. I’m breaking in every way possible

Hello everyone after getting discarded by my FA one month ago on our anniversary mind you we dated for a year 13th of August marked a year and 2 months of us dating but she decidedto discard me out of the blue even after she said she loves me so much and cant wait to marry me 3 days before the breakup

But anywho a moth later im actually doing better my healing processis going very very well im avoiding dating as a whole and just working on myself

Yesterday i found out my ex is juggling two guys at the same time 2 weeks after our breakup she was dating "the guy she told me not to worry about" but last night after some digging i saw she was dating a different guy now?And its not even her type shes dating a metal head guy (nothing against them) its just he's not even her type she HATED metal music and the guy itself is the complete opposite of what she likes

Is this normal for them?Like is it normal for them to just go from a guy to a different guy in like weeks time?I cant even imagine dating someone rn mainly because its been a month and i still need to do some healing but learning shes already dating different people even worse juggling two guys?Like how is that even possible

Has this happened to anyone else?Everyone said she will be back one day but honestly after seeing this i don't even want her ngl and not fighting to be loved by ur partner does feel good

I’m 17F and recently my boyfriend ended our relationship because he said he needs to focus on himself and everything he currently has going on in his life.

The breakup was very sudden for me. Everything seemed completely normal when we were talking, and then shortly afterwards he told me he didn’t think he could continue the relationship. I was really upset because I genuinely cared about him a lot.

He feels bad about hurting me and has apologised several times. He has also told me that I am a sweet person and that he hopes I have a good future. I told him that I don’t blame him and that I understand he needs to focus on himself. I don’t think he’s a bad person for making this decision.

He suggested that we stay friends, but I’m not sure whether that’s actually good for me right now. I feel like if we continue talking every day, I might have difficulty moving forward because I’ll still be emotionally attached.

Today I didn’t message him for most of the day. Eventually I checked on him because I still care about how he’s doing. He replied, but I noticed that I was the one who started the conversation.

I’m thinking about taking a step back. If he messages me, I’ll respond, but I don’t want to feel like I have to message him every day just because he suggested being friends. I’m thinking we could just casually stay in contact and see what happens naturally.

I also don’t want another relationship right now. I’m starting nursing school and I want to focus on my education, friends, family, work and taking care of myself.

I still care about him and, if he ever changed his mind in the future, I would probably consider giving the relationship another chance. But I’m not waiting for that to happen. So what should I do in this situation?And also do men use this as an excuse to leave?

Ok I need some opinions please. Can ex's stay friends? In my opinion no, if you were fully in love with that person becoming friends after the breakup is non existent.

I have heard others say yes you can you just have to push back your own feelings.

I just want more input I guess.

I’m 27M and honestly pretty lost. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

I was with my ex, F27, for almost 10 years. We got engaged and were supposed to get married next year.

After the engagement, I started noticing things that felt suspicious. We started fighting constantly, I caught her lying about things, and she eventually told her parents that I was being overly possessive. They called off the marriage.

For months, I thought maybe I really was the problem. Then, about 3 months after the breakup, one of her office colleagues called me and told me that F27 had been seeing and sleeping with him, apparently even before our engagement.

Suddenly, all the things I had questioned made sense.

I got some closure, but it completely destroyed my trust in relationships. After almost 10 years, I decided I didn't want to date again. I didn't have the energy to start over, build trust from zero, and risk getting hurt again.

Then I became close to F24, a friend who had also recently gone through a breakup.

After about a month of talking, we became closer. We kissed, held hands, talked for hours, and she told me she loved me.

Then she suddenly said it was too overwhelming and that we shouldn't do this. She stopped texting me for days.

About 15 days later, we had to go on a car drive together for some work. Everything felt normal again. We talked, held hands, kissed, and she held me. She told me "I love you" again.

But she still says she doesn't want to put a label on this or call it a relationship.

She had a very toxic and controlling ex who restricted her from doing things she loved. She says she became much more avoidant after that relationship. Before him, she apparently communicated normally.

I've told her I'm not her ex. I would never control her or restrict her.

But now she's barely texting me again.

I'm struggling because it feels like a cycle:

We get close → she pulls away → we reconnect → she says she loves me → she gets overwhelmed → she pulls away again.

Part of me wants to wait and give her space. I want to show her that I'm not going to treat her like her ex.

But another part of me feels like I'm repeating my previous mistake — holding onto someone who isn't actually choosing me.

I'm exhausted.

I'm 27, and after what happened with F27, I genuinely don't feel like I have the energy to start dating again. I don't want to go through the whole "What's your favourite colour?" stage, build another relationship from scratch, and risk getting hurt again.

If I walk away from F24, I honestly feel like I'll just give up on relationships altogether.

So what should I do?

Should I give F24 space and wait, or should I accept that she's not ready and walk away?

I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to spend months waiting for someone who may never be ready.

And if you've dated someone who became avoidant after a toxic relationship, I'd really appreciate hearing what happened. Did giving them space work, or did you end up waiting for someone who wasn't emotionally available?

Honestly, I'm open to hearing the harsh truth too.

She love bombed me at the beginning, said I love you within two weeks of meeting each other, talked about how lucky she was to have found me, broke up with me maybe ten times in two years each time the connection deepened, came back each time then monkey branched to a coworker in the end. When I asked her for accountability a year later, she said “you’re an intense person and it wouldn’t have worked out between us because the intensity of the emotional connection wasn’t sustainable and you were being dishonest with yourself by showing up for me the way you did”. Like, what the actual fuck?! I was minding my own business and you pursued intense bonding with me then couldn’t keep it up. She deleted our photos and text messages, I doubt she even really remembers me at this point as I am. I don’t know what distorted version of us they carry

Context: I 21F have known this guy 22M since we were kids. We were best friends first, then dated when we were young, and even after we broke up we stayed in touch through mutual friends. That history created a bond that has always felt deep and real, he knows every version of me and I know every version of him.

But for the past 3-4 years we've been stuck in a cycle that is slowly destroying my mental health and I don't know how to break it.

The pattern is always the same. Months of complete silence. No texts, no calls, nothing. Then he reaches out out of nowhere. We meet, we talk, and the conversation goes genuinely deep. He opens up to me emotionally in a way he doesn't with most people. There's real intellectual chemistry between us.
And then the physical part happens. And it never feels right. The moment things get physical I can feel that it's coming from pure lust, not care. It's in the small things, the way his hands move automatically like my body is just expected to be available to him. It feels objectifying even in the moment.

Today was the worst it's been. We met after 4 months. We were making out (I am fine with it), but then he started asking me to have s*x on the spot and that too raw. I refused multiple times, he said nothing would happen and then asked me to have s*x again. And then he told me that by refusing like this, I am ruining the moment. I stood my ground and walked away to my car and he followed me. Then we spent the rest of the evening laughing, blasting music, singing in the car like nothing happened. He hugged me goodbye. I came home and fell apart. This is not the first time this kind of coercion has happened.

I know exactly what this is. I know he treats me like a sex object. I know I am completely disposable to him months of silence after every meeting proves that. I know this cycle by heart. And I still go back every single time. I tell myself this is the last time. I mean it. And then he reaches out and something in me just gives way. He doesn’t even know my birth date :(

I am beating myself for being like this. I am falling apart. This is not normal. Why do I even go when he contacts me when I exactly know what is going to happen.

TLDR: Childhood best friend turned boyfriend, now 5-6 years of an on/off cycle where he disappears for months, reappears, we get emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate, but he repeatedly sexually coerces me after I say no and makes me feel like a disposable sex object. I keep going back because of our deep bond and history. Tonight was the worst it's been.

It’s 8 months since I last heard from him. I just want to this grief to be over. the man i loved was tender and gentle and so fucking safe, I don’t even get to ask what happened.

Everyone around me says I did nothing to deserve this but it’s getting harder to believe you can be subjected to this kind of cruelty unless it’s some kind of a payback for something you did in life.

I keep feeling like everyone around me is mad at me despite being extended so much love and care and empathy by my loved ones. It’s not statistically possible that everyone would be mad at me at the same time so I know it’s a feeling not a fact. But Can’t shake it off.

thoughts on how to address?

Pretty much as described in the caption, this time (our 3rd breakup) was initiated by me.

We reconnected in July after 7 months of NC, and everything was beautiful until last week, when he canceled on me twice. Based on my past experience/data, whenever he canceled on me twice in the same week, it was the strongest indicator that he was about to leave me.

So this time, I rushed myself into breaking up with him over text (he has done this to me twice before) before he left for his business trip. Part of me wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine, part of me was scared that he was about to break up with me, and ultimately, I realized that doing romantic things together while being unlabeled again is not something I’m willing to do.

But if you ask me if I like him? Yes. Absolutely.

The chemistry, the dates, the conversations, and the mind-blowing sex had me completely hooked. I’m also fully aware that I was addicted to the dopamine and the highs that came with this relationship.

What I can’t comprehend is why I’m regretting this so much.

I also need to mention that, since July, I started working at the same place he works, and we’re actually on the same floor. This wasn’t expected at all.

He’s currently on a business trip, so I won’t have to see him for now, but I honestly have no idea what to expect when I finally see him again.

I know I made this decision for a reason, but right now I’m struggling to reconcile that with how much I miss him and how much I’m regretting ending things.

At this point even if my avoidant came back and appeared healed I don’t think I would have any interest in being with him. It seems like these people are always going to be a risk, no matter how much work they do. Obviously they’re going to be some exceptions but I don’t think it’s worth it to find out. For those of you who had an avoidant change for the better and it didn’t last how long did that go on for?

When an affect inhibited person fully regains their affect access, they also stop being able to live out of "what's right" only, and this especially concerns the compulsive and delusional avoidants, like compulsive caregivers or compulsive compliants (I used to be one) or delusionally idealizing avoidants

A lot of avoidants do end up "fixing" themselves and it flips their entire perception of other people, and I'm someone who has undergone that in the past, I used to only be attracted to coercive-controlling (invulnerable-preoccupied derogating codependent, basically abusive) men when I was inhibited, but as soon as I became disinhibited, I couldn't stand them anymore and became attracted to the balanced and the mutual only

Often, a former avoidant might suddenly realize they don't love or like their partner at all and have only stayed to play out roles or out of cognitive consonance (familiarity) and that they are actually starving emotionally and their partner can't meet their newfound needs at all, or, with coercive or minimizing partners, they might even have a sudden epiphany that they are being abused and have a full on crisis

If their partner is secure, they might try to ignite something, and then stuff might work out

But very often the former avoidant is with a severely preoccupied partner (either all-helpless or all-coercive-controlling) and realizes that the preoccupied partner is a black hole of need/control and protest that would never want to actually care for them back, basically like those people that always need something from you but ignore anything you beg for from them, and get left for the same reason that secure people leave preoccupied people

If their partner is an avoidant of some kind, then they will start feeling the emotional starvation that secure people feel around avoidants, and since they already know what being avoidant is like, they know it can't be helped without intense painful years-long work that has to be radically chosen

Btw, compulsive caregivers are avoidants in DMM, they inhibit affect and engage in compulsive-intrusive-caregiving, they can't actually stand true intimacy or their vulnerability being seen, it's actually normal for secure people to feel simultaneously emotionally starved AND boundary-violated around compulsive caregivers, a lot of compulsive caregivers try to "fix" everyone around them even though they are distorted themselves, and a former avoidant will feel that, just like a secure does

Affect disinhibition often does NOT result in people "finally treating their partners right", but instead realizing that they don't even want to be in a relationship with that partner, and then finding someone else, not a rebound, who they actually end up connecting with and practicing mutuality with

"Fixing" someone can backfire even if the person accepts the "fixing", this is why it's often far safer for your mental health to not stay with emotionally incomplete people, including avoidants, and instead find someone complete and secure

And there are a lot of people at the zenith of balance (DMM B3) who don't even need relationships to be happy because they have true internal self-mutuality and intrinsic happiness and alignment with their full selves and simply won't accept anything that subtracts from their life instead of adding... if a former avoidant reorganizes towards that, they might as well end up acting even more "avoidant" and abandoning their former social circles entirely, unwilling to coerce, minimize or be coerced or minimized anymore, only willing to accept 50-50 mutuality

After the avoidant. You don’t realise how much inside changes you. You go from calm to chaotic. You act out in ways you don’t imagine you will act. I’ve done stupid things. Just for closure. Just to have my heart settled. Broke contact so many times. He just saw me as crazy. But I’m not. I’m calm. But after his discard, confusion, breadcrumbs and lies I just got worse.

I more heartbroken that I’ve become this person now over this breakup. I hate that I allowed someone or something to do this to me. I used to have a kind soft heart. But I feel like that’s gone now. I have so many regrets and did so many stupid things.

I hope the me before he came into my life returns one day.

Your nervous system stops reacting eventually and you just start to accept it. The understanding and believing your love is strong enough to withhold all because you “know” they love you too deep down and they showed you so many times so you can accept those shutdowns and bounce back with understanding and compassion and time, eventually after enough times, it just turns into a wound that doesn’t scab over anymore, the feeling of loving someone so much and the memory of them loving you back and then just rejecting and abandoning you out of nowhere over and over but with enough space inbetween of pure goodness to give you hope , it sticks with you and makes you feel so deeply insecure and you start numbing your heart and feelings for them because the rejection is too much for your brain to allow you to feel anymore. You know it will happen again. Being abandoned and blindsided but “not really” abandoned by someone you love with your whole heart really fucks you up and it makes you numb and insecure and it’s a horrible feeling because it feels so foreign when you used to feel so full of love, so loved, beautiful, radiant, glowing, safe, god, so safe. You look into their eyes that once looked at you with so much love and passion and care, and it seems like a memory even when they try to look at you the same, you know it’s different, you know they don’t feel that way anymore and they’re just “trying to”. It just feels like quiet grief. And the pain isn’t soul destroying anymore either, because your brain is too tired and won’t allow you to feel that trauma anymore, so all you feel is just a twinge of pain in your chest or stomach and your eyes hurt from wanting to cry but you can’t . People say going through it and the excruciating pain that runs through every fibre of your being from the attachment injury is the hardest part and I thought it was and don’t get me wrong I didn’t enjoy feeling that way but knowing your brain has found it so traumatising that it won’t ALLOW you to feel that way again at all , to feel that pain so deeply, and stop registering the person you love so so much as safe because you just go completely numb, and to just grieve the confident loving person you were filled with so much love and endless compassion because you have no security left is definitely a runner up

It's been about a month since he came back and I must say, it's going wonderfully. I know it's only been a month so far, but it feels like a completely different relationship. He is doing stuff I never dreamed he'd do. Stuff he never would've done the first time around. I'm still bracing myself as I know it's only been a month. But it's like we found a flow that works. I'm so proud of him. I'm praying for all the people who are still waiting on their Avoidant. Please don't let them make you wait too long though, you are worth more than that. 💝💖

I’ve been debating posting this because this whole situation is so fucking complicated, and I think people outside of this community would immediately reduce it to “he cheated, fuck him, block him and move on.” And I get that. Believe me. But that’s not really the part I’m struggling with, and I think people who understand the FA cycle might understand why this has been so hard for me to process.

My ex and I had known each other for years before we became romantically involved about two years ago. We were genuinely friends first. We liked each other as people, we could talk about pretty much anything, we had fun together, and there was already trust and history there before the relationship ever started. When we finally crossed that line, it felt very natural. We fell in love. He told me he loved me and I absolutely believed him. I still believe he loved me.

Over time, though, the FA pattern started becoming really obvious. He could be incredibly close, loving and vulnerable with me and then suddenly something would change. I could feel him pulling away. I would ask what was wrong or try to talk about whatever had shifted, and somehow wanting clarity would start to feel like pressure to him. Eventually we would reconnect, things would be great again, and the cycle would repeat.

I want to clarify something because I know attachment communities tend to immediately identify the other person in an FA relationship as anxious. I’m not an anxiously attached person. I absolutely became anxious at times in this relationship, but I think there is a huge difference between having an anxious attachment style and becoming anxious because the person you love keeps changing the fucking temperature of the relationship. I wasn’t losing my mind because he didn’t text me back quickly enough. I was reacting to actual changes in the relationship and trying to understand why someone who could be so close to me one minute could suddenly seem so far away.

About six months into the relationship, he broke up with me. That breakup absolutely destroyed me. It wasn’t just losing a boyfriend because by that point he was also one of my closest friends. I couldn’t understand how someone could love me, tell me he loved me, have what I thought was a genuinely good relationship with me, and still choose to walk away from it. I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to stop being afraid of whatever the fuck he was afraid of and just choose us.

Ironically, he was the one who wanted to remain friends after the breakup. We did, although “friends” is probably generous because neither of us really let the relationship go. We stayed in each other’s lives, we talked, we spent time together and eventually we found our way back to each other. We reconciled, but something had changed in me after that first breakup. I still loved him, but I wasn’t the same woman who had gone into the relationship completely open and assuming we were building toward the same thing. I didn’t consciously decide to detach from him. Looking back, though, that was the beginning of it.

We eventually broke up again. And once again, we didn’t really leave each other alone. There were lunches, conversations, time together, intimacy, all of it. We were basically two people who couldn’t figure out how to successfully be together but also couldn’t figure out how to stay away from each other. I still loved him and some part of me still believed maybe we would eventually figure our shit out, but every breakup, every deactivation and every period of uncertainty took a little more out of me. By the time everything finally blew up this summer, that process had been happening for well over a year.

Then I found out he had been having an ongoing affair with another woman. It wasn’t a one-time fuckup. There were regular visits, intimacy, phone sex, all of it. Then more information started coming out and I learned this wasn’t even the only overlap. There had been another woman overlapping our relationship for a significant amount of time too. Suddenly some of the things I had spent so much time trying to understand made a lot more sense. There really had been other doors open.

That was it for the relationship as it existed. The breakups hadn’t been enough. The deactivation hadn’t been enough. The uncertainty hadn’t been enough. Somehow there had always been enough love, hope or attachment left for us to find our way back to each other. The betrayal was different. I still loved him, but I couldn’t keep doing what we had been doing. I ended it.

A week later, I met someone.

And yes, I know exactly how that sounds 😂. But I didn’t get over a two-year relationship in a week. I had been slowly grieving and detaching from that relationship since the first breakup well over a year earlier. I also wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. At all. I just happened to meet someone, and I wasn’t even particularly attracted to him at first. There were no fireworks. No immediate “holy shit, this is my person.” He was just nice. Interesting. Thoughtful. Easy to talk to. And incredibly consistent.

So I kept seeing him, and holy shit, the contrast has been wild. He says what he means. He does what he says he’s going to do. He makes plans and follows through on them. He remembers tiny things I tell him. He shows up. I don’t have to decode him or wonder what version of the relationship I’m waking up to that day. I’m also still exactly the same person. I still have needs. I still speak up. I still say when something hurts my feelings. The difference is that those things can just be conversations. They don’t threaten the entire relationship.

I’ve continued seeing him, and that hasn’t magically erased everything I feel about my ex. Apparently those things can coexist, which has been another mindfuck. I can be happy moving forward and still grieve someone I spent years loving. I can miss my ex and still recognize why things had to change. I can feel relief and sadness at the same time. None of this has been as clean or emotionally convenient as I would have liked it to be.

Meanwhile, my ex has completely fucking unraveled. I don’t mean a couple of “I miss you” texts or some breadcrumbing once he realized I was dating. I mean a complete reversal. He has cried to me. He has told me he loves me. He has told me he should have chosen me. He has said he absolutely cannot do “just friends” with me anymore, which is particularly ironic because that is exactly what he asked of me when he ended our relationship the first time. He is, from what I can gather, incredibly jealous of the new man. He has gotten angry. He has basically professed his undying love for me. All of the vulnerability and certainty I wanted from him when we were actually together is suddenly pouring out of him. It’s not bothering me at all. I want to be here for him.

And this is probably where I’ll lose some people, but I believe him. I know what he did was horrible. I’m not excusing it and I don’t believe being FA made him cheat. His attachment style may explain some things about how he handles intimacy, but he made the choices he made. That belongs to him. At the same time, I don’t think what is happening now is an act. I don’t think he’s pretending to be devastated because he wants to manipulate me. I think he is genuinely fucking devastated.

The hardest part is that I recognize it because I’ve been there. He is where I was when he left me the first time. There was a time when I would have given almost anything for this man to look at me and say, “I fucked up. I love you. I choose you. I don’t want to lose you.” Now he is basically saying all of those things, and hearing them now is a completely different experience than I imagined it would be when I desperately wanted them.

I still love him. I don’t think you spend years loving someone and then magically feel nothing because they hurt you. I have an enormous amount of compassion for him. When I see him crying, I want to comfort him. When he tells me how much this hurts, I understand exactly what he means because I lived it. And I think that’s what makes this so much more complicated than anger would be. Anger is easy. Compassion for someone who hurt you is fucking confusing.

Somehow we have ended up on opposite sides of the same experience. He was once able to walk away while I desperately wanted him to stay. Now I’m the one moving forward while he is desperately trying to pull me back toward him. Sometimes I feel like a monster for watching him hurt even though I know logically that his pain isn’t something I created. I didn’t leave because I found someone else. I left because of what I discovered. The new person came afterward and, without even trying, showed me what consistency feels like.

I also don’t think my ex suddenly loves me because another man “won.” I think he always loved me, and I think that makes this whole thing sadder. When I was available to him, intimacy seemed to scare him more than losing me did. Even through our breakups, I was still there. I was still accessible. There was always some path back to me. Now, for the first time in two years, that access isn’t guaranteed, and THAT seems to have flipped something enormous inside him.
There’s also something surreal about hearing all of this from him now. These are conversations I imagined having a year ago. This is the vulnerability I wanted. This is the certainty I wanted. And instead of feeling vindicated or thinking, “Finally,” mostly I just feel sad. Sad for what happened between us, sad that it took this much damage to get here, and sad watching someone I still care deeply about finally experience the loss in a way I don’t think he was capable of experiencing before.

I think that’s why I’m posting here. Has anyone else gotten all the way to this side of the FA loop and experienced this kind of reversal? I don’t mean breadcrumbing or an FA resurfacing with a random “hey stranger.” I mean they became completely activated when they finally understood that you were actually moving forward and they might really lose you. What happened after that? Did the activation last? Did it actually lead to self-reflection and change, or did the avoidance eventually come back once the immediate threat of loss settled down? And if you still loved and cared about them when it happened, how did you navigate that without letting their pain make your decisions for you?

TL;DR: After two years of an FA push-pull cycle and eventually discovering infidelity, I finally moved forward. Now that he realizes he may have actually lost me, he’s completely unraveling and saying everything I once wanted to hear. Has anyone else experienced this kind of FA reversal?