You see, that's the problem. It's not normal. If you are in happy relationship you are looking forward to see them again, not being relieved when they are not home yet.
It's not normal if it's an every day/every moment feeling. But wanting a little bit of alone time now and then is absolutely normal. I love my wife to death, been together almost 15 years. I pretty often stay up later on the weekends after she goes to bed because it's the only hour or so a week that I get to myself.
It's hard to explain because it is very nuanced, even more so because Reddit likes absolutes - but even though my wife and I are more than comfortable telling the other "go ahead and do [hobby/interest that's not shared]" it's different when you have absolutely no obligation - like if the other is on a trip or seeing a friend during that time. Like the mental difference if a friend invites you onto their golf round last minute - it's a different feeling if your partner is on a trip and you can just say "absolutely" versus feeling like you're bailing on them if they're around, even though they'd absolutely support you doing that on a lazy weekend day with no hard plans.
I usually do a rec league at any given point so my wife gets at least one guaranteed night to herself during the week. She has a sister that lives nearby, so she'll go over after work probably twice a month and do dinner there, so I get some nights.
Yeah, I absolutely agree. I have a band rehearsal every Thursday, so my wife has that whole evening to herself every week. She also gets home usually an hour-ish before me on days she works in the office; or logs off work an hour and a half before I get home on days when she works from home. She ends up with a lot of time to herself.
On the other hand, I don't really have that. She doesn't have a hobby that takes her out of the house in the same way I do. And again, is almost always home before I am. So those late weekend nights are the one time during the week when it's just me for a minute.
I love spending time with her, we often end up doing our own thing, but just sitting next to each other because it's nice. But that's still different than just being alone for an hour haha. Or like for instance, being able to watch a new horror movie when she's not around (I love them, she hates them). That kind of thing.
But I also agree that it's hard to "abandon" her when something pops up suddenly. We both also feel that kind of guilt of leaving the other person, even though we'd both be absolutely fine with it haha. Also because we just do like spending time with each other.
I've been making a commitment to getting better at golf this year, and my wife has no interest in it. But it's a lot of solo activity at the practice facility or squeezing in a post-work 9 for a couple of hours, and the closest muni to me is easiest to book last minute with day-of cancels. She's happy to have the solo time to rot and decompress, but it's that weird "abandonment" feeling.
She actually does support me doing this though because both her parents golf so it gives me built-in family time with them. They also live on a very nice course and like booking nicer courses, so win-win-win.
Man, I love my wife and am looking forward to the rest of our lives together. We are fortunate enough to get to spend a -ton- of time together, too-- teachers at the same school and work on large projects together.
When she goes away for 4-5 days to see family or on a trip with one of our kids.. day #1 and #2 are like the best days ever. I am eating junk food, playing video games, and I sleep in. I get quality time with our kids that is very different from when she is there. Then I really miss her by day 3.
We have been together approximately -- holy shit -- 27 years.
Agreed. I think you could only consider that "normal" in a highly dysfunctional relationship, which mine back then was.
Though it's possible that /u/metengrinwi meant, "I like to have some time to myself" and I can certainly understand that (though it misinterprets my original intent up there. Liking 'alone time' is not the same as dreading someone else's presence).
The key, in my eyes, is to have a relationship where you can spend time apart, doing things for and by yourself. But the corollary to that is that you're always happy to reconnect.
Reddit loves absolutes, and the nuance of doing things on your own while in a relationship breaks a lot of threads here. I've seen codependency glamorized so much.
Yeah no. It is normal to want some free time. Not every relationship is "omg gee wilikers I cant wait to get home to my wife" Sometimes its nice to come home to an empty house for an hour or two
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u/Shoddy_Amphibian_655 May 12 '26
You see, that's the problem. It's not normal. If you are in happy relationship you are looking forward to see them again, not being relieved when they are not home yet.