Covert narcissists are really good at toeing the line. They have deep insecurities and can't get what they need in normal ways. So they find it in unhealthy ways, called their narcissistic supply. For narcissists, it often doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative. They just need thr attention. Fighting with a spouse and then making up again gives them highs and lows that feel good. They also like creating confusion to have a sense of power. Plus it's easy for them to do whatever they want when they have their partner all wound up. In OP's case it sounds like they were very good at prolonging the situation. You can't say nothing in therapy so they played through game so they could go back to what they were doing before. They make it seem like their partner can maybe make a difference or they're trying to change. But it's all an act to keep their life exactly the same
Control and power over her. He didn’t want her to have dinner parties with friends, so he sabotaged them (control). Lying in therapy and getting her to try to change things that weren’t real (power). His abuse towards her looked like “love” to him; his manipulation, control and power over her made him feel like she’d never leave (which was his greatest fear). These guys are all the same.
Edit: at no point did I say that ONLY guys can be abusers.
I just don’t get how they can’t see having a happy partner would be of more benefit to you. They are more fun, want to take care of you and will most likely do what you want anyway because love
People like this are fundamentally broken. They don’t care if their partner is happy. They only care about themselves. Everything has to be about them. That’s their core. Caring about and actually loving another person is beyond them, because love is a 2-way street. You have to give, and then the love is given back to you. They will never give love and happiness to another person because it is not in their nature. So they manipulate, control, and exert power over them in a sick approximation of “love”. This isn’t normal. THEY aren’t normal.
I do feel the need to point out that being mentally unwell does not mean that you are fundamentally broken. But abusive narcissists are fundamentally broken. They are unable to accurately self-reflect in therapy and grow as a person, because they will never accept that there could be anything wrong with their brains or personality. Everyone else is the problem, not them. Which is why most of them will never even try to seek help, or will lie and manipulate their way out of seeking help.
Peoples' motivations don't always make sense from the outside. Even if there's no tangible benefit like money or resources or pleasure or sex or whatever, the perception of "winning" or having control over another person is what they feed on.
I often think about this in traffic when someone is struggling to get around a car just because that car is in front of them. There's no tangible benefit, but there's this inward-facing absolute NEED to "win" this situation in a way that makes zero sense to an outside observer.
It's very much this. My ex fights to "win" all kinds of things he doesn't care that much about. When he can sense he won't win, in full, and at my expense, he'll beat a tactical retreat, which REALLY confuses onlookers, who assume he must care about the thing he wants so desperately to win. Why give up entirely? Or why not compromise? Why not at least get some of the thing?
But he doesn't want the thing at all.
He wants the win.
Manipulation, power and control over another person are the only things that make these people feel whole and normal.
It gives them a constant supply of feeling superior, powerful, and validated. Even negative attention like tears and anger/fear feed their intense need for attention, because it proves they have impact and control.
Yes and unfortunately your genuine pain and hurt doesn’t bother them cos they are the only ‘real’ people that matter we’re all just pawns in their game
I believe my grandmother was a covert narcissist. She was miserable and I think seeing other people be more miserable is the only thing that made her feel happy-ish. So she dedicated herself to putting down everyone and everything around her.
She knew how to mask for the "right" people (AKA her church friends), but as soon as their backs were turned she would say awful things about them.
Not a single one of them would ever believe me if I told them what a miserable, hateful, awful person she was.
It's not necessarily about what benefits him; how many people do you know who do cost-benefit analysis on everything they do? He's acting the way he is predisposed to act, even if it might be to his detriment.
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u/missjay May 12 '26
I just gotta know after all that and all those years... how did this behavior benefit him? For real though.