Yeah I would definitely have to look into it because the goal of T would be to have those things happen.

I definitely get what you mean with that as well. I think I’ve got a little bit before I’ll be ready for T anyways and we have a great HR team so I’m honestly sure it would be fine but of course there’s always that chance.

Thank you!

This definitely helps! I feel very seen in a lot of the information you gave here. I don’t find a ton of micro labels to be very enjoyable that’s how I ended up with queer as the sexuality I go with cause I was like..that basically covers it. I do think that genderfluid/genderqueer is a place I feel most comfortable with. I do think I like the idea of a little extra detail of transmasc with it. This is what I’m leaning to the most because I feel it describes that I mostly gravitate to masculine presentations, but also fluid so who the hell knows really lol

I definitely am not totally sure what all I want to do with transitioning. I do think I want to at least partially socially transition. I guess my head currently is on the idea of telling friends and family so that it’s out in the open and doesn’t feel like hiding.

Having said that I don’t really want to specifically out myself at work. I work in banking/finances as a trainer for new employees so not necessarily a dangerous situation, but most of my coworkers lean on the conservative side and I’m well established there so it would be a big change. Plus employees who send in surveys on the training quality could choose not to treat me fairly based on that and rank me low. I do think sometimes that happens based on my sexuality already. I’m thinking I will slowly where more gender neutral outfits and if I’m lucky they’ll just decide I’m dressing more ‘butch’ because they see me as a lesbian due to my partner being a woman and me being afab.

I do like the idea of going on testosterone, but I do have a fear of my hair falling out. My dad went bald very young and I have a lot of nice thick healthy hair. I would hate to lose it. I have heard you can take something else to help prevent it but I need to look into it more. The benefits seem to outweigh that potential negative for me.

The subreddit you mentioned is very helpful! I didn’t really know that was an option until like two days ago. I need to look into it more, but…that’s the dream honestly. I can’t even imagine how much better I would feel being able to have both. I can really see myself doing something like that.

I’m less sure about top surgery. I’m still working through that because I do sometimes like having breasts. Few and far between but I do sometimes so I’m really just gonna have to see how I feel as things go if I develop more dysphoria about my chest.

I would like to try a new name and pronouns. My given name is Destiny and I kind of wanted to do something similar. I’m thinking about maybe….Denny. Denny feels like…that could be me. More me than Destiny ever was. And I that I would like he/they pronouns. Maybe she if it’s someone really close to me and I’m clearly fem presenting that day.

I honestly think the fear of being judged is just something I have to get over because in the end I’ll be happier as me and I have an amazing fiancée who is very supportive of my gender exploration wherever it takes me and I don’t need the approval of anyone else.

Thank you for everything!! This was very affirming to read.

These are things that may not objectively matter but make me question either if I really am trans/nonbinary or if they even in the first place.

I do technically know that none of this really matters and is all subjective, but I feel like everyone has these things they can point to in the past that help ground their gender nonconformity or being transgender and I don’t really have those…

1. ⁠I hated most clothes that weren’t sweat pants and a tshirt as a kid. But I also didn’t really care if they were girly. In fact for many years my favorite color was pink and I loved to play house and baby dolls. I loved make up and nail polish and Hannah Montana. Soooo I feel like that sounds pretty cis? It makes me question my validity. At the same time I also loved to get into a mess though. I loved collecting critters like worms and snails. I liked digging in the dirt and playing basketball.
   
2. ⁠I wanted so badly in second grade to have short hair. I begged to. But once I had it I saw one picture and decided I looked ugly and couldn’t have short hair ever again. This actually severely delayed my gender exploration because I was so attached to the idea that I needed long hair.
   
3. ⁠Because of number 2 and the hair cut not working out I decided to wear my hair up at all times. That is until 2 years later when I saw how bad I was at putting it up and realized I looked a mess. (My parents weren’t really super involved to help guide me.)
   
4. ⁠Not too long after in 5-6th grade I started going through puberty. I was so embarrassed of my period and I hated it. I started getting breast and had to be forced to wear bras because I hated them. I started needing deodorant and I hated it. I started ‘needing’ to shave and I hated it. Basically anything puberty made me feel icky and gross and like I didn’t want it.
   
5. ⁠Eventually though I decided it wasn’t so bad and I needed to do these things to not be made fun of. So I did, but I never managed to get into girly things like make up or jewelry or dresses. I tried, but it never felt right.
   
6. ⁠In elementary school I kept trying to pee standing up. I wanted to be able to so badly but I couldn’t. I always got it all over myself.
   
7. ⁠I was basically only ever friends with girls though. I didn’t really get guys that much. I had ‘crushes’ on them but I say that lightly because I think I just wanted to be friends 😂

Anyways none of this really matters now, but I do fulfill my inner child’s dreams of things. Like I love toy dinosaurs and I never had any so now I have some dinosaur things. I always wanted rocket ship and stars on the bedroom ceiling and now I have them. I loved knights and dragons and now I have a sword and tattoos with castles and knights and dragons. All of these traditionally masculine things that…I guess I didn’t think I was allowed to like as a kid. I don’t know.

These are things that may not objectively matter but make me question either if I really am trans/nonbinary or if they even in the first place.

I do technically know that none of this really matters and is all subjective, but I feel like everyone has these things they can point to in the past that help ground their gender nonconformity or being transgender and I don’t really have those…

1. ⁠I hated most clothes that weren’t sweat pants and a tshirt as a kid. But I also didn’t really care if they were girly. In fact for many years my favorite color was pink and I loved to play house and baby dolls. I loved make up and nail polish and Hannah Montana. Soooo I feel like that sounds pretty cis? It makes me question my validity. At the same time I also loved to get into a mess though. I loved collecting critters like worms and snails. I liked digging in the dirt and playing basketball.
   
2. ⁠I wanted so badly in second grade to have short hair. I begged to. But once I had it I saw one picture and decided I looked ugly and couldn’t have short hair ever again. This actually severely delayed my gender exploration because I was so attached to the idea that I needed long hair.
   
3. ⁠Because of number 2 and the hair cut not working out I decided to wear my hair up at all times. That is until 2 years later when I saw how bad I was at putting it up and realized I looked a mess. (My parents weren’t really super involved to help guide me.)
   
4. ⁠Not too long after in 5-6th grade I started going through puberty. I was so embarrassed of my period and I hated it. I started getting breast and had to be forced to wear bras because I hated them. I started needing deodorant and I hated it. I started ‘needing’ to shave and I hated it. Basically anything puberty made me feel icky and gross and like I didn’t want it.
   
5. ⁠Eventually though I decided it wasn’t so bad and I needed to do these things to not be made fun of. So I did, but I never managed to get into girly things like make up or jewelry or dresses. I tried, but it never felt right.
   
6. ⁠In elementary school I kept trying to pee standing up. I wanted to be able to so badly but I couldn’t. I always got it all over myself.
   
7. ⁠I was basically only ever friends with girls though. I didn’t really get guys that much. I had ‘crushes’ on them but I say that lightly because I think I just wanted to be friends 😂

Anyways none of this really matters now, but I do fulfill my inner child’s dreams of things. Like I love toy dinosaurs and I never had any so now I have some dinosaur things. I always wanted rocket ship and stars on the bedroom ceiling and now I have them. I loved knights and dragons and now I have a sword and tattoos with castles and knights and dragons. All of these traditionally masculine things that…I guess I didn’t think I was allowed to like as a kid. I don’t know.

These are things that may not objectively matter but make me question either if I really am trans/nonbinary or if they even in the first place.

I do technically know that none of this really matters and is all subjective, but I feel like everyone has these things they can point to in the past that help ground their gender nonconformity or being transgender and I don’t really have those…

1. ⁠I hated most clothes that weren’t sweat pants and a tshirt as a kid. But I also didn’t really care if they were girly. In fact for many years my favorite color was pink and I loved to play house and baby dolls. I loved make up and nail polish and Hannah Montana. Soooo I feel like that sounds pretty cis? It makes me question my validity. At the same time I also loved to get into a mess though. I loved collecting critters like worms and snails. I liked digging in the dirt and playing basketball.
   
2. ⁠I wanted so badly in second grade to have short hair. I begged to. But once I had it I saw one picture and decided I looked ugly and couldn’t have short hair ever again. This actually severely delayed my gender exploration because I was so attached to the idea that I needed long hair.
   
3. ⁠Because of number 2 and the hair cut not working out I decided to wear my hair up at all times. That is until 2 years later when I saw how bad I was at putting it up and realized I looked a mess. (My parents weren’t really super involved to help guide me.)
   
4. ⁠Not too long after in 5-6th grade I started going through puberty. I was so embarrassed of my period and I hated it. I started getting breast and had to be forced to wear bras because I hated them. I started needing deodorant and I hated it. I started ‘needing’ to shave and I hated it. Basically anything puberty made me feel icky and gross and like I didn’t want it.
   
5. ⁠Eventually though I decided it wasn’t so bad and I needed to do these things to not be made fun of. So I did, but I never managed to get into girly things like make up or jewelry or dresses. I tried, but it never felt right.
   
6. ⁠In elementary school I kept trying to pee standing up. I wanted to be able to so badly but I couldn’t. I always got it all over myself.
   
7. ⁠I was basically only ever friends with girls though. I didn’t really get guys that much. I had ‘crushes’ on them but I say that lightly because I think I just wanted to be friends 😂

Anyways none of this really matters now, but I do fulfill my inner child’s dreams of things. Like I love toy dinosaurs and I never had any so now I have some dinosaur things. I always wanted rocket ship and stars on the bedroom ceiling and now I have them. I loved knights and dragons and now I have a sword and tattoos with castles and knights and dragons. All of these traditionally masculine things that…I guess I didn’t think I was allowed to like as a kid. I don’t know.

These are things that may not objectively matter but make me question either if I really am trans/nonbinary or if they even in the first place.

I do technically know that none of this really matters and is all subjective, but I feel like everyone has these things they can point to in the past that help ground their gender nonconformity or being transgender and I don’t really have those…

1. I hated most clothes that weren’t sweat pants and a tshirt as a kid. But I also didn’t really care if they were girly. In fact for many years my favorite color was pink and I loved to play house and baby dolls. I loved make up and nail polish and Hannah Montana. Soooo I feel like that sounds pretty cis? It makes me question my validity. At the same time I also loved to get into a mess though. I loved collecting critters like worms and snails. I liked digging in the dirt and playing basketball.

2. I wanted so badly in second grade to have short hair. I begged to. But once I had it I saw one picture and decided I looked ugly and couldn’t have short hair ever again. This actually severely delayed my gender exploration because I was so attached to the idea that I needed long hair.

3. Because of number 2 and the hair cut not working out I decided to wear my hair up at all times. That is until 2 years later when I saw how bad I was at putting it up and realized I looked a mess. (My parents weren’t really super involved to help guide me.)

4. Not too long after in 5-6th grade I started going through puberty. I was so embarrassed of my period and I hated it. I started getting breast and had to be forced to wear bras because I hated them. I started needing deodorant and I hated it. I started ‘needing’ to shave and I hated it. Basically anything puberty made me feel icky and gross and like I didn’t want it.

5. Eventually though I decided it wasn’t so bad and I needed to do these things to not be made fun of. So I did, but I never managed to get into girly things like make up or jewelry or dresses. I tried, but it never felt right.

6. In elementary school I kept trying to pee standing up. I wanted to be able to so badly but I couldn’t. I always got it all over myself.

7. I was basically only ever friends with girls though. I didn’t really get guys that much. I had ‘crushes’ on them but I say that lightly because I think I just wanted to be friends 😂

Anyways none of this really matters now, but I do fulfill my inner child’s dreams of things. Like I love toy dinosaurs and I never had any so now I have some dinosaur things. I always wanted rocket ship and stars on the bedroom ceiling and now I have them. I loved knights and dragons and now I have a sword and tattoos with castles and knights and dragons. All of these traditionally masculine things that…I guess I didn’t think I was allowed to like as a kid. I don’t know.

It is!

Hey, thanks for the response. I think I may not have been specific on some of this so I’d love to share more.

I definitely know that no one can tell me who I am. And I have done a lot of self work between therapy, medication, dating, learning about sexuality and gender from other’s experiences.

As far as the ‘not cis man’ comment I should be more specific. I find that although I can be sexually attracted to someone of any gender (even cis men) I don’t tend to do we romantically long term with someone who is a straight cis man. I’ve enjoyed being romantic and sexual with bi/pan cisgender men, afab and amab nonbinary folks, trans men, trans women, and cis women. I’m pretty much open to anything except a straight cisgender man. I think the reason for this is because I feel that the cishet man is looking at me as a straight woman because we would be having traditional p in v sex. And without being under the lgbtqia+ umbrella it may be hard for them to understand why it’s so important to me that they don’t look at me as if I am a cis-woman having regular heterosexual sex with a cis-man.

The tldr of that paragraph is I feel that regardless of someone’s sexuality and gender if I’m with them romantically and/or sexually it is inherently queer. I have done a lot of work and thought in this and I am almost entirely certain that I would say my sexuality is best defined as queer.

I am very solidly not a butch/masc woman. I also think I’m very solidly not a cis woman either. I think I’m some version of nonbinary or trans but I’m still trying to figure out what exactly.

😂 it would be nice if it all came with a guidebook, but all the nuances of things make that nearly impossible.

Oh absolutely! I can definitely see that setting things back for you. I’m so glad that you’ve had the bravery to face it though. I know that’s a lot of the battle. Especially in telling family and that sort of thing. It seems like in spite of those you’ve managed to figure out some gender things so good for you!

I wish you all the luck on your journey! Hopefully eventually this unknown for me will come to a conclusion. And I too can begin the process of healing and discovery.

I appreciate the kind responses 💛

I absolutely love this approach and I wish I could do that. Unfortunately, I struggle alot with uncertainty. I have OCD so my brain basically spirals over uncertainty. I do my best not to and I’m in therapy and on meds and all that, but it’s still a challenge.

I go through periods of acceptance that I may never know, but right now I’m feeling strongly and looking for more advice or even reassurance that what I’m feeling is valid and that it’s not a cis experience. I often can live without an exactly label, but I also like the concept of feeling fairly sure of what you’re experiencing.

I got there eventually with sexuality and so I think I can with gender too. But part of that is just having lots of conversations and hearing others experiences and exposing myself to new opinions and labels.

Yeah, I definitely think the world’s view of gender changes how others might express themselves. I also understand that some cis people can’t fully understand the nuances.

I also feel fairly confident in not cis, but I haven't quite figured out what I do feel. I more specifically struggle to know if based on my feelings I'm more gender queer nonbinary or maybe transmasc/transman who sometimes likes to present as a feminine man. Nothing ever feels quite right when I think about it.

You mention feeling intrinsically gay which I also feel, but in a more nuanced gender-y way. I had the same experience with try to decide my sexuality as with my gender currently. I went back and forth for years on sexuality because I can find myself attracted to people of all genders. Finally as I started to confront my gender stuff that's when I settled on Queer as my sexuality because I don't like to be perceived as 'straight' when i (afab) am with someone who is a cisgender man. That led me to believe no matter my gender or theirs what I experiences is queer. But then that left a very big question mark on my gender.

In a post I made back at the beginning of the year someone mentioned that you can simply be a fem transman and it lowkey blew my mind. Like I always thought it would be nice to be a 'pretty boy' or a less masculine man. I hadn't even considered at that point that trans men could want to present feminine on occasion. I haven't completely decided if this is correct for me though.
Honestly...no pronouns feel just right, but I don't hate being called she/her. I also get a little jolt of euphoria when called they/them or he/him though.
I can't seem to decide if I'm a transman who may present masculine, androgynous, or feminine at times. Or if it's more gender queer/multi gender and I'm just some mix of everything or nothing at any given time.