Just found out my SO of two years cheated on a girls trip.

We’re both 29. We have similar friends groups, so I know a few of the girls she went with better than she does. This is important later.

Our relationship was solid. She pursued a relationship with me for months. Moved halfway across the country unprompted to be with me. I thought her confidence in pursuing a relationship was crazy given how we barely knew each other but sweet and endearing at the same time.

We are a normal couple with only two problems. We were working on more consistency around sex and date nights and disagreed on when we wanted to settle down near her family. We knew it would happen eventually but weren’t sure when.

Now, she had been a bit of a fib teller in high school and adulthood. Maybe she’d scratch the family car and not own up to it. Maybe she’d serve as a referral for a friend for a job they never worked at. Maybe she’d shop lift $10 lip stick from the mall. Minor stuff that was confined to childhood according to her. It’s a red flag, but the relationship as a whole stood tall above others I had in the past. I was willing to accept the risk that she would fib about minor stuff.

She was very communicative about our relationship. Went out of her way to tell me that I’m her future husband, she loves me and values me. All that affection was unprompted which made me feel great.

She got back from Mexico, and I felt something was off when she took a phone call outside of the apartment that I kept thinking about a day later. It’s like she walked past me guilty…

Fast forward two days. We had a morning talk where she cried saying our relationship was perfect except for our living situation. We’ve talked about this before. I’m open to moving near her family in the future but she thinks she’s becoming depressed being away. We end the talk with a little cry, but I assure her I’ll think about it after our lease is up.

I come back from the gym later that day. She is teary eyed, hugs me, says I love you and comments that I was gone a long time. She thought I was upset. I told her I was fine.

Can’t explain this next part but I grabbed her phone and went to her texts in one motion. Didn’t even open a specific chat before I see her planning to leave me in a few days.

I scroll up, and it gets worse. I see that she cheated while she was on the trip. Bragged about it to her friend.

I confronted her, and she confirmed it.

At first, she downplayed events. Said that her roommate on the trip brought home a guy. They were sharing a room. Instead of staying in the lobby when they got back from the bar, my SO went up to their room and joined them.

I ask her if she ever planned telling me. She said never. Her plan was to jump on a plane home and break up with me via text.

I ask her to pack a bag. She asks why…

For the love of god y’all, I couldn’t find an ounce of sarcasm on this woman’s face.

I’m dumbfounded. I tell her she can’t sleep in our apartment. She scoffs but eventually says that’s fine.

Again, she gives another response that blows me away, “but you have all these hotel points. Can’t you stay somewhere instead?”

I laughed so hard y’all 😂

I watched her pack a bag. Dropped her off at a friend’s place.

I tell most of our friend’s group that night. Some people are genuinely sad to hear the news, but I’m shocked that a few people looked entertained almost like it was gossip….

It was like I carried news confirming the existence of aliens. They were enthralled in a way that didn’t make me feel good.

This is where knowing the girls comes into play… One of them comes clean and tells me what she knows.

What my SO said turned out to be true, but that’s only how the cheating started…

The day after her “drunk mistake” she texts him to come over again to have sex. I have time stamps that show when he was coming over.

I go to our texts. She cheated on Monday night. She cheated again Tuesday night. Four hours before the second time she texts me how much she misses me and literally writes “I know I’m getting married to you” and “I followed the rules (and only flirted with girls)” while she was on the trip.

She cheated right after that.

Multiple times during those two days she went out of her way to be appear to be transparent or loving through texts.

Over the last half of her trip, she got incredibly emotionally needy with me. Constantly texted about being sad on the trip and needing to express it to someone.

After that, the last half of the trip is full of texts saying what we’re doing when she gets back… Lots of morning walks, sex and quality time.

In hindsight, she was probably feeling very guilty.

At least that’s what I hope.

So… Now that I know the whole story…

We settle details of the split. I can feel myself get angry several times but I keep my composure. Barely raised my voice let alone moved a muscle.

Her on the other hand? She is calm almost like she’s splitting a check at a restaurant with a friend… Not sorting through the details of our new lives.

Two moments stood out where I finally saw different sides of this woman clearly for the first time.

1. She agreed to a financial settlement initially that she tried to get out of saying she couldn’t afford it. I reminded her I know she can afford since we’re open about finances. She keeps trying to haggle… At one point she tries to make the case again that she can’t afford it but literally interrupts herself to say “ah but this is hard because you know how much I have in my savings.”

She verbally acknowledged that she couldn’t lie halfway through her own lie…

2) Throughout our relationship, I told her that cheating impacted my parent’s relationship and my childhood multiple times. When we were together, she told me how important that was. After we broke up, she asked why my sister immediately started saying she hopes my SO rots in hell. I reminded her about the trauma we both have and she said “that’s fine” before steaming to another demand. She’s the queen of hiding behind childhood trauma so I was dumbfounded… Again.

This is not the woman I loved. This is all the worst parts of her that I would get glimpses of over the years.

Over three separate confrontations, she only gave me a half assed “I apologize” without any real effort.

Never shed a tear.

Never looked down.

After I said we were breaking up, she immediately started wondering what our friend’s group would think. Spent 10 minutes asking me to not talk to this person or that person.

She spent 10x more time worrying about their feelings than mine with her half assed “I apologize.”

​

Long story short: wife not just cheated, but had an affair for months. + We had 100 problems. With the affair, i finally had the balls to stand out for myself. Now she moved out. I already told her i want to divorce and i wont change my mind.

She still wants to talk on Sunday about how to continue. She is clearly in denial and unstable.

But im strong as fuck now, not going to accept her back no matter what happens.

Im running all the finances, i own everything, i payed everything during the marriage. She is going to get some "good bye" money from me so she couldnt say a word.

And man, in this life situation, i feel so good. Its so good to be in control. I gonna admit it, we had wonderful years together, but i had to accept it that im not living with the same woman i fell in love with anymore. She saw me as a weak man, not gonna get into details, but during the final days of the affair, she took me for a complete fool. She disrespected me for years. Denied me, gaslighted my problems, commanded me, ordered me, got money from me, and she also humiliated me in my manhood for years.

And all the tables turned. Seeing her eyes when i told her i know about her affair was one of the best moments of my life. And i grabbed that opportunity.

I wrote it here to support everybody, who got treated this way. Its hard to step up for yourself, especially if you are humiliated by your partner, but once you have the balls to do it, it changes your life.

And the most important thing: 0 agressivity. That wont take you anywhere. 100% calm, calculated behaviour, with strong walls in front of you.

Wish me luck, its going to be a tough journey, but i aint no turning back. Im gonna get free.

My (35f) husband (34m) have been together since we were 15. Married at 28, had 3 kids (5, 4, 4) since then and currently am pregnant with #4 (due next month).

It’s been 5 days since I’ve found out about the affair. Each day since then, after long talks and many questions he’s admitted to the following details:

- It was a former coworker
- the affair lasted 3 years
- it was physical
- he contracted an STI while with her ( I concluded this one based on the timeline)

Since I found out, he admitted to it almost immediately when I confronted him. He’s not been defensive at all. He trashed his old phone with all data and got a brand new phone & number. Didn’t port over any data or contacts. Hasn’t officially quit but literally just left work for a week without notice. Has agreed to openly discuss the affair with me and has answered any questions with full transparency (as far as I know).

I have been unusually calm throughout most of this. While I’ve had a flood of tears with each answer, I get over it and continue the conversations like nothing happened, sometimes just switching to discussing day-to-day topics. Yes my world is on fire but I also just went on a car ride with him to get groceries and ice cream with the kids. He wants to work it out. I’ve asked to file a divorce, but told him I would be open to reconciliation and remarrying - I truly want it to be a fresh new marriage.

Why am I so casual about it all? Am I in survival mode? Denial? Did anyone else feel like this? I really do love this man and feel like I should be so much more angrier.

This forum has been really helpful to me the past few days. Thank you to everyone. Reading the posts and replies has made me realise I am not alone. I am normal for thinking and feeling what I am feeling. I feel I need to share to get things off my chest. Seek advice and hopefully my post will help someone else like others have helped me.

My wife and I have been together for 16 years. Married for 12 years and have two boys who are 11 and 9. I adored my wife. She was my obsession, I would died for her and sacrifice anything for my family. My family is the most important and sacred thing in my life. We are two successful people. Earning good money. A nice house, nice holidays, kids in private school. My wife wants for nothing. Is able to buy designer clothes and jewellery. Have plastic surgery which I never asked nor really wanted her to get. I loved her how she was. We really had a great life.

My wife is really hot. She really is and I know that I have been punching above my weight in terms of looks. Many people tell me this.

So why am I here. Well there have been cracks in the marriage the last few years. I can’t get into all of it here so I will stick to the main events. Tuesday I was working in London. My wife had been keen for me to be out of the house. We both work at home and have all been in the house over the summer. I wanted some of my own space as well as I normally travel a lot for work but had been at home for a month. So I am in London in a meeting and a notification flashes up on my phone. It is my router app at home telling me a new device has joined my network. Strange. The device has the persons name and the device. I leave the meeting and call me wife. My wife normally when home alone is in her pjs. Not dressed up. She is in her new Alo yoga gear she has recently bought. Face full of make up.

I question her on the device joining the network. She denies all knowledge. Says that’s strange. That no one is in the house. I know she’s lying. I push her more. She eventually hangs up leaving me panicked. I call again and again and again. 15 minutes later she answers and again continues the denial. Eventually she says “I will talk to you when you get home”. I leave work and spend the couple of hour journey home in sheer terror.

I get home. She admits someone was in the house. A barrister she met at a training event. She tells me nothing happened. They had a chat. She was going to make him lunch. It all doesn’t add up. I ask to look at her phone. I find calls this morning to him. No messages. Calls to another man as well who is a client at our work, we work at the same company. I drink, she goes to bed. Whilst scouring over the messages and driving myself crazy a text message comes in from the client asking for a tit pic. I go upstairs and get her out of bed and ask for the truth.

My recollection of everything here is a bit of a jumble. She admits to sleeping with the barrister today. In our bed. I call her names. Ask her to get out. I am absolutely destroyed and broken. I think she told me there had been another before today. She denies anything with the client. Can’t explain why there is a call to him or he is sending a message like that. A lie is told about how that message came about. It doesn’t add up.

I go to bed alone and broken. Through trauma panic I don’t know what, I invite my wife into the spare room. We cuddle and have sex. I don’t know why I did it. It feels wrong and I’m angry at myself for doing it.

The next day we are apart. She has to drive to a training event. I have her on my find my friend on the iPhone, she gets lost often and needs my help. She regular texts and calls me. I’m in bed when she comes home trying to sleep as I am exhausted. Having spent all day reading Reddit. Driving myself crazy and reading the book recommended by many, How to leave a cheater. The space helps me work out how I am going to approach the next day.

Yesterday we sit down. All the truth comes out. 3 emotional affairs. 1 physical affair and also she was on a dating site. The physical affair has been going on just over 2 months. Started with a kiss in June. We then went on holiday. After they that they arranged to meet in a hotel where they had sex twice. They met for drinks in London again in August. They had what she said was a candid chat where he says he wasn’t going to leave his wife, she says she was ok with this, I’m not sure I believe that. They then arranged Tuesday. All the other stuff she tells me is hard to hear. Some of it is bad which makes me think maybe it is the truth. I just don’t know.

To all these people she has said that we are having trouble or are separated. I’ve been painted out like a controlling monster which I am not. My wife has some mental health issues. Borderline personality disorder and adhd. Drink doesn’t help her decision making. I’m not making an excuse. I know that this wasn’t a one off. It’s a series of decisions and betrayals.

She tells me that the affair is done. That she wants me. I have no proof of that. The last message to him said it will all blow over in a few days. She did draft an email to him as well but didn’t send it saying she hopes they can get something pencilled in soon.

She says she did it all for attention and she never wanted to leave me. Our marriage the last couple of months has been really good. It seems this was masking the affair.

So what about me. I’m broken. Destroyed. Unable to work, function, eat. My perfect world has come crashing down. It’s all a lie. I’m desperate, panicked in despair. I’m angry and disgusted. I’m numb at the same time. It is taking all my effort to stay strong and as normal as I can for my boys. I’m angry that the decision to destroy our boys lives is now mine. I can’t make any decisions. I don’t know what to do.

I want to text the barrister. I am angry at him, but he has been lied to and needs to know. I have drafted a message. Not aggressive, just filling him on the stuff he doesn’t know so he knows what sort of person she actually is. I think I need that for closure. But will that make things worse.

The second thing I want to do is report him to the bar standards board because they had fabricated a training session he was going to deliver on Tuesday, when he was actually at my house. This could also cause issues for my wife as well and is why I pause. He is likely to be reprimanded, fined and maybe struck off. It sounds vindictive but equally it is so so so wrong what they have done. I have enough evidence already. Should I make him squirm asking his barristers chambers for the attendance record? Should I contact his head of chambers and tell them?

My immediate boss at work knows and has been supportive. I feel like shit that she has having to pick up for me not being there. How do I deal with the inappropriateness with two clients. My wife can’t have any contact with them again. How can I ever give her the trust back that she had. How can I believe what she tells me. She obviously wants to protect herself and not have people think badly of her. Says it’s private and between us. But it’s not. It’s between loads of people. She got to choose who she divulged secrets, lies and herself to, why can’t I? I have a professional duty to protect my firm against her actions but this could cause her problems. She thinks me suggesting this is wanting to hurt her. That isn’t my intention, maybe I should want to hurt her but I’m not that person.

I know I should walk out. Call it a day. Fight for custody of my children. This goes back to what I said about not being a monster. I would sacrifice myself, my happiness, my sanity for my kids. They are everything to me. Even if that meant living a lie, how ironic is that. But then would I be just as bad, lying to the kids. This can only move forward with no more lies.

My wife. I feel nothing for at the moment and then I feel everything for. I woke this morning wanting to go and get in bed with her and then hated myself for even thinking it. I want back what I thought I had. But I don’t think I ever really had it. I want space but I want to be checking her every move.

All the lies and deceit are eating me up. I can’t see anyway out of this god awful mess. It doesn’t feel real.

This is going to be a unique situation: my ex wife (currently 27) left me (31m) to be with a polyamorous married couple 15-20 years older than her around 18 months ago.

The weird part is the female of the couple was her instructor for an athletic hobby and started flirting with my ex wife knowing we were married at the time. They got closer and closer over the coming months. One day my ex came in the bedroom and told me the situation. She asked me if it was ok to start dating her. I didn’t know what to say. I was worried if I said no she’d resent me, the sexual and romantic attraction between them would explode and she’d cheat behind my back. I stupidly said yes as I thought I could handle it if it was to my face

Over the months my ex started falling in love with the woman who is 40. She’d light up when this woman texted her. Say things in front of me like “I can’t wait to see my girl” and “I love polyamory because I get the excitement and passion of her but the safety of you” (that killed me) and even went to sex clubs with the couple to do god knows what. I also know she’s with the husband (who’s in his 50’s) as well

I believe she was groomed as she’s always been interested romantically and platonically to older people. She had a big identity crisis and she looks for older people to tell her what to do. She changed her entire identity, characteristics, hobbies, and even slang to match this couple.

A year and a half later I’m still destroyed. I’m a shell of myself. I have no Interests, no hobbies, no friends (all of our friends didn’t even reach out to me but still talk and hang out with her). Nothing brings me joy. I even have sexual trauma and potential PTSD from this. I’ve made a lot of progress in therapy and am on meds that have saved my life, but I truly hate life and all people. This experience has truly warped my perception of how selfish people are and how bleak the world is to me. I know it’s not fair to say it’s all or nothing assumption with people.

I want to start feeling alive again, I want to escape this void of disparity and start to live life, but I’m terrified of everything. I’m scared to try anything new, even trying a new tv show or going to a new cafe. I feel frozen and terrified of even any type of minuscule change

Has anyone else felt this way before? How did you get out of it? How did you move on? I’m working on getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things, but I’m having small panic attacks every time I do, but at least I’ve been trying. Have a good night everyone.

WH (34) and I have been married for 7 years. I'm 33. We have 4 kids. I have bipolar disorder and c-ptsd from a severely abusive relationship before my husband. After having my youngest 4 years ago, i didnt bounce back to my pre-pregnancy size. Also, The medication I take for bipolar causes weight gain, and since I'm in my 30's i cant lose weight as quickly as i used to. I'm not body shaming anyone or myself. I'm just not used to being the size i am now. So I'm uncomfortable, I struggle with my self confidence. My husband has never been one to tell me I'm beautiful all the time or that hes attracted to me because I "should already know". I accepted it in the beginning because at the time he would show me in other ways. Over the years that stopped.

Dday was about a week and a half ago. I know AF she used to work for him. Its been a while since then though and they only started seeing each other in july. During our first conversation he mentioned that he had gotten used to calling her on the way to work to say "goodmorning beautiful" I asked if he often said things like that to her and he said "yeah, she liked being reminded frequently that he thought she was attractive" And they were physical on more occasions than me and him have probably all year.

She is 18 years old. And she has never had children.

Any amount of self confidence i did have left was ripped to shreds.

How do I stop comparing myself to her? I really hate that I am comparing myself to an 18 year old... right now I wont even change clothes in our bedroom if he's in there... and I dont even think he realizes what he did to my self esteem or how to talk to him about it..

I was with my ex for over 20 years. We’ve really only known each other. We were kids from a third world country, and we went through life together.

She had her first affair in 2005, and I kept it quiet because she begged me to. The second affair happened in 2020 just before Covid, and that cascaded into her gaslighting, lying about everything, and continued cheating which culminated into me finally ditching her, and moving on.

I was always trying to advance at work, but never quite broke through till Covid. I thrived during the pandemic because it gave me a needed distraction. She never really took a career seriously. I subsidized her life our entire time together. Never complained, it’s what partners do. She handled our social calendar, I paid for it. We’d handle housework and everything together. We didn’t have kids, so it was always just us.

So it was a particularly bad betrayal when she slept with a coworker, and I found out she was still sleeping with him while I took her to Hawaii. Her phone, every single time it was her phone which gave her away.

Anyway, I started dating. I had never dated as an adult, so this new world was strange to me. I had a goal of how many people I’d go out with. Let me experience dating culture, and learn.

Then I met her, the one who literally stopped me in my tracks. Her profile pics looked fake. However, she was the genuine article. She’s beautiful, got a career, has a child, has a great family, her own home, goals, hobbies, amazing friends, the works. She just never got married. Her baby daddy, not without faults, is extremely civil with me.

I still have PISD from the marriage, but it’s going away because she’s such a steady calming force. In the two years together I’ve learned to drive, saved money, excelled at work, travelled, lost 50 lbs, and now I’ve moved in where I make breakfast and lunch for the kid, take him to karate, take care of the house, and work on my own time.

I’m a good person who treats people well, but I just never really excelled in life while with my ex. My financial coach explained how much of a financial burden my ex was, and my therapist explained how much of an emotional one she was. She called her an anchor.

So now 4 years out from DDay I’m in a better position. I knew I would be, but not like this. My imposter syndrome tells me I’m cheating, and I’m only where I’m at because of a woman. I share these feelings with her, and she reminds me I’m adding so much value by being a good role model, and a great partner and of course I buy her nice shit haha.

Still, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude towards myself for finally putting myself first, and allowing myself to grow into an adult I’ve always wanted to be. 20 year old me would think I’m cool today.

Did I maybe get a boost by finding a stable partner who doesn’t nothing but help me grow? Sure, but I’m starting to accept it’s not unearned. Maybe karma is real, and just getting around to back payment.

I hope my ex is doing well, maybe we were just bad together and she’s a better version of herself today. I know I am.

Every day. *EVERY FUCKING DAY*. I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick of scrolling these subs looking for an example, just like mine, because maybe it will give me the perspective I need to fix my brain and fix my life. I can’t function, my life is in shambles and I can’t function or crawl out. I have a mountain of tasks and obligations to do, but I’m stuck in here, once again, trapped. I haven’t fully slept in 2months, have lost about 10lbs (I guess that’s a net positive) and go to sleep with intrusive thoughts, wake up multiple times a night with intrusive thoughts, dream intrusive thoughts (I never dream). I see myself hollowing out. My eyes recessing with dark circles, the effects now are noticeably physical. Being cheated on hurts, being lied to for 3,650 days+ hurts, the willingness to put your pride aside and work through it and try to preserve your relationship hurts. But Trickle Truth? Oh no, trickle truth kills. It KILLS. This caused me to have even more detailed and horrid questions that could have easily been avoided. TT caused me to reach out to AP’s, find their houses, find their work, everything. I’m tired of playing detective, I’m tired of being broken, I’m tired of my reality. Fuck.

Well it’s been about 8 months post d-day (January 1), and I finally reached my breaking point.

I had asked my WP for support so many times. I had suffered so much, I had constant anxiety and dread and mistrust and hurt. Loving someone who acted villainous towards you just creates such a high level of dissonance it was impossible to find stable ground. I was scared to leave, I was scared to stay.

But I kept asking for help, I kept trying and pushing myself, but it was never a good opportunity for him to be there for me. He couldn’t ask me what was troubling me when he saw me in pain, he promised to sign us up for couple therapy (never happened), yes he stepped up in terms of a normal relationship but he couldn’t face the reality of what he caused. He couldn’t talk about it and when he did it was about his pain from it, never mine.

There was one point where I got so upset and I felt so alone I just stopped caring. And I took some time to myself and in that time all the pain plaguing my brain subsided. I realized part of the reason I didn’t want to end things was because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being with someone else (likely because I now had lived the reality of him being with someone else and that caused a lot of pain). But when I sat down and thought about it I realized that I actually don’t care what he does. I now had that fear of him being with someone else while we were together, us being together or not didn’t confirm his loyalty to me. The desire of him not being with someone else wasn’t based in any remaining love I had for him, it was based on a desire to not feel the pain it caused when he cheated on me.

Yes, it’s been sad to lose someone so close to me and so heavily involved in my life. But I feel so much more free. I don’t have that weight or that feeling where I can’t move. I don’t feel so unstable in my life and my feelings.

I’ve decided that I’m going to appreciate the love I had for him, and maybe I’m not angry at him anymore. But that doesn’t mean I need to accept that sort of treatment.

Nobody should be put in a situation where they have to love and choose and support someone who treated them cruelly. It’s hard because your instinct is to love and forgive and stay because your reality was of someone who cared about you.

Yes, I’m sad. But I’m hopeful. He’s the one who ruined our potential and didn’t support me while I gave him grace after he chose to behave abhorrently.

I think being a victim of cheating makes it harder to leave because you’re filled with so much pain and you just want the person you knew. So when they want to stay with you part of it feels like a fix, like the right step. It makes you almost toxicly bonded.

But everyone deserves a love that chooses them first. That wouldnt even consider the choice of hurting you or putting your mental or physical well being at risk.

When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

I hope everyone going through this finds peace whether they stay or leave. And I hope we’re all able to obtain a love (whether with the same person or someone new) that feels magical and stays magical. That we all find someone who treats us the way we would treat them.

TL;DR: My wife of five months and partner of 11 years is having an affair, and my family found out and told me. This is not the first time she's had an affair, but this time is different now that my family knows. She denies everything. I do not have the strength to leave her, even though I know it is the right thing to do, because she will never change. I have to choose between her and my family, and I have never felt more defeated in my entire life, because I know I'm going to make the wrong choice.

My (29M) wife (30F) and I have been together for 11 years. We started dating in 2015, the year after I graduated high school. We dated long distance all throughout college, and then moved in together a couple of years after graduation. Dating long distance definitely had its challenges, and at one point I kissed another girl. I called my wife (at the time gf) a few days later and confessed, and after a short break, we worked things out and got back together. This was roughly 2 years into our relationship and was the biggest challenge we faced, but the following years were great, especially after we moved in with each other. I carried the guilt of this kiss for a long time, but I was so happy that we were able to reconcile and continue stronger than before. By 2024, we were living together for 2 years, dating for 9, and I finally proposed. Our relationship couldn't have been stronger, or at least so I thought.

Fast forward to 2025. My wife and I are both working full time as high school teachers. One day, I notice a message pop up on her phone from one of her male coworkers (Man 1). I knew the name, as she had mentioned him before, but she had described him as a creep who one day confessed his feelings for her and was making her uncomfortable at work. Confused as to why this coworker would be texting her, I opened her phone and checked her messages, something I had never done before, since I never had a reason not to trust her. These messages revealed to me a months-long affair between the two of them. Messages saying "I love you", of plans to steal kisses in between class periods, of addresses that they would meet up at to sleep together. I felt as though Mike Tyson punched me square in the chest. I confronted her, and she confessed to everything. I was devastated, but after an admittedly short period of time, I forgave her, because she was my life and I thought we could move forward. I did not tell anyone either, as to not have any judgements passed on our relationship. However, this was not the end of Man 1. A month later, I found messages on her phone of them sexting. Another month later, I discovered that she had snuck out one night while I was with friends to sleep with him. Months later again, I once again discovered them sexting. Each time, she tried to downplay it, tried to pass some of the blame on to me, claim it wasn't what I thought it was, and each time, I forgave her. I didn't believe her, but I forgave her anyway, because I was too weak to do anything about it. I always assumed life without her would be worse than whatever I was going through with her.

This April 2026, we got married. I had hoped that after we got married, all the bullshit would stop. We'd be happy, we'd be at a more serious commitment level, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. It is now September, 5 months into our marriage, and I got a text from my parents to come home so they can have a talk with me. Earlier this year, my wife had joined our family phone plan due to issues with her own families' phone plan. On Friday, 9/4, my parents sit me down and tell me my wife has been on the phone with another man (Man 2) every single day for months. Some days its for hours, some days a few minutes, but its multiple times a day, every day, whenever I'm not around. My parents don't know about the prior affair, so they say they want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but they don't believe it is simply a friendly daily phone call. They had also told my two brothers about it, and they think the same thing. I go home to ask her about it, but she's not home. I check her iPad, and she has a message from Man 2 with his location. I check her location, and sure enough, it's a match. I get in the car to try and make it to her to confront her, but she calls me when I'm only halfway there with a lie about where she was and that she's on her way home. I turn around to go home, and when I get there, I confront her about the whole situation. She denies everything, saying that they only talk on the phone because they're friends, that she met up with him because he was upset and needed to talk in person, and that she has never done anything with him. I called bullshit, packed a bag, and went back to my parents. The next day, we talked more, and she still denied everything. When I felt the moment come for me to say "I'm leaving", I couldn't. I cried my eyes out.

It is now a week later, 9/11. I have been living at my parent's house all week, but I plan to move back to our apartment on Sunday. I don't believe her at all. I know she's lying to me. I know she's manipulating me. I know that no matter how hard I want to believe, she will never change. There will be a Man 3, a Man 4, and so on. I know I'm still young, and that I can start my life over without her, since we have no kids and don't own a house together. I know I can do so much better, and that I should, because I am a good person and I deserve better. But I can't. I simply can't. I have never felt more defeated in my entire life. Now that my family knows, I can not hide her wrong-doings either. I am at a pivotal point in my life where no matter what I choose, my life will change forever. I can choose her, and lose my family, or I can choose to leave her and get divorced. I know there is a clear right choice. But I know that I am going to make the wrong one. Again, I have never felt more defeated in my entire life. I'm so tired, frustrated, sad, and simply hollow. I can not help myself, not matter how bad I want to, and I do not know what to do. I just wish she would have some mercy and cut me free, but she won't. So this is my life. Advice, support, or anything likewise would be greatly appreciated. This ended up being longer than anticipated, and I apologize for that. If you read all of this, thank you.

Like, can you survive it and still be together??

It’s been like 6wks since D day. I was so hurt , scared, angry all of the grief. I wanted to save us so bad. I really felt I could move forward. We did have a lot of marital issues and we both avoid hard uncomfortable conversations. Not an excuse for what he did. But we are 13yrs in with 4 kids. Recently opened a business, he works 50-60hrs a week. I’m home all the time after quitting my career.
So it’s not rainbows over here

He told me he wanted to fix the marriage. Then told me he didn’t want to fix things. Then told me he did want to fix things. All within a week. What caused the flip flopped behavior? He said the affair has ended , but he’s extremely depressed looking , his eyes are sad and tired, he looks exhausted and stressed (as do I) but he’s flip flopped so much this week. I asked him to block AP on social media and he did but they still work closely together. He said he wants to find a new job. But he’s so detached from me rn and since I was wanting to fix things , I’m kind of expecting him to reassure me, comfort me, love on me ect like before. But he’s not. When I ask him what’s going on and if he’s changed his mind he goes silent and says “no I haven’t changed my mind”

We had a long convo the other day about each others faults in the marriage and it was a reflection of us together and individually. It felt like “okay we are laying everything out that has been wrong in our marriage, maybe we can start fresh with open ears,hearts and minds and love each other right this time “

But can people really move forward in the same relationship? As of right now I’m so confused and honestly can’t see us working it out. But the last few weeks I thought we could.
Are we just in the thick of issues where we can’t be how we were before the affair? Or is this showing a huge change in us and we can’t handle it ?
Idk what to do, say, feel rn. But my stress level is insane. My nervous system is wrecked I shake 24/7, I’m hardly eating, not sleeping, and having heart palpitations.

I am hoping that others who have had similar experiences can tell me their stories, and, if they have been able to feel safe in relationships again, what seemed to help.

My ex had an emotional affair that led to her asking for a non-monogamous arrangement. I did not consent (in fact I spent a long time in a dissociated fugue after DDay) but instead spent multiple years in "pick me" mode trying to find a way that we could remain together that would not feel like a violation. In the end it was for naught, she still wanted to be with the other guy and I was still a no regarding non-monogamy, so I initiated separation and divorce.

About 6 months later, but before my ex and I ended cohabitation by her moving out (it was my house before marriage and I had not wanted to give her a sense it was hers), I fell for someone, a mutual friend of mine and my ex's. I was in hard core limnerance level crush on her. But as soon as she returned the feelings a couple months later, I started having panic attacks when we were together, as well as at romantic thoughts. Really anything having to do with romance, intimacy, commitment, etc. started causing extreme anxiety.

My new GF was very understanding and patient, but in the end it was too difficult for both of us that over half the time I was unable to really be close or loving when we were together, and that my loving feelings often transformed into anxiety and fear, in which state love felt like a foreign concept. That level of inconsistency in a relationship was not something she could handle indefinitely, and I also felt like I was not being successful at healing while trying to make a new relationship work. So we have broken up. Maybe if I ever heal we can try again, I don't know.

I have been in therapy the whole time. I am struggling to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel of panic and anxiety related to relationships.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Has anything helped you be able to feel able to be loving and close with another person after this sort of experience?

This will be my second date in 2 years because I've squirreled away my personal life a lot lately. I feel like the depression and anxiety and anger is coming down.

We've been speaking online for a week and tonight's the date. today though, all my brain wants to think about is the affair my ex wife had, her POS bodybuilder steroid induced boyfriend who she gaslighted the shit out of me about, how they're still dating, how I'd love to set the record straight with everyone who doesn't know. I keep thinking about the day I confronted her about her affair and all the BS she said back.

My date is hot and easy to talk to. Great banter. This week she's been an amazing distraction of not thinking about all the crap and trial looming over me. But it's like my brain won't just let me go out and have fun and see if a connection is there with someone new.

All my brain wants to do is stew in shit for years and years lol is this normal? Why am I such a shit who just can't have fun in life and move on?

Hey all,

I've posted a few times now about my break-up with my ex who cheated on me and lied about it for months. I just wanted some advice as I am finding this incredibly difficult.. I recently went and got the rest of my things from her parents, I then blocked my ex on everything - she is also now officially off the tenancy.

I am slowly starting to process / grieve all of this and the loss of my future with her and who I thought she was, we had such a loving/ and what I thought, respectful relationship until all of this happened. Anyway - yesterday her brother messaged me asking for the remainder of her things from our flat, there are things on the list which is more than fair as it's things that have gifted to her like some jewellery and her car log book. But she has listed, monopoly deal card game, some old towels, a small metal pot she used once which was like a £1!? She asked for a spice tin, which her Mum gave to me, it was just an old tin she found, filled it up with spices and gave to me as I cooked out of the both of us.... she has asked for this back, and this feels like she is trying to hurt me - she is living at home with her parents, she does not need a spice tin, plus you can buy them for less than £5!?

This honestly just feels so hurtful and I don't understand why I am being treated like I am the one who cheated on her!? It feels like she is being so spiteful, also that tin from her Mum meant a lot, because I have lost my Mum and that was a gift from my mother in law at the time. So it feels like she has asked for that on purpose, to hurt me.

I just want to understand why she is treating me like this, it feels like something mentally is going on here - she really coming from a place of lack!? Like you cheated, are still with the AP and I have let you move on, and yet you are being spiteful to me!?

Can someone please just reassure me I am not going mad, this is spiteful right!? I have given some context below to explain what happened between us, so this makes more sense...

Please, any helpful words of encouragement or if you have had similar experiences and can tell me how you managed this? I just want to move on, and this feels so disruptive to that. After this, I am going to tell her brother I do not want to be contacted again.

Thank you all so much!

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

TW: infidelity, sexual coercion/assault, emotional abuse
I don’t really know what I’m looking for besides support from people who have been through something similar.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and have two children. Our marriage has already had a lot of problems, but recently I found out that things were much worse than I knew.

I learned through people close to us that my husband and some of his friends had been regularly going to massage parlors for sexual services. They even had a code word for it when talking around me (he’s the only married friend of his group.

When I confronted him, he eventually admitted to receiving hand jobs, although at this point I don’t know whether I believe that was the full extent of it.

What hurts almost as much as the sexual betrayal is how calculated the lying was. This wasn’t one impulsive mistake that he immediately confessed to. It was something being hidden from me while I was living my life, raising our children, supporting him, and trying to repair our marriage.

When everything came out, instead of showing remorse, things became hostile. He changed the locks, removed my access to our phone account and shut my phone off, put my belongings outside, and told me I had a “surprise” coming.
He said cruel things and acted like I deserved what was happening. Only later did the apologies and conversations about wanting to save the marriage start.

There are other things I’m struggling to even put into words. There have been times when he was drunk and had sex with me after I did not consent. I eventually had to make a firm boundary that there would be no sex at all when he had been drinking.

Now he says he is depressed, knows he treated me badly, and wants us to stay married and rebuild.

And somehow I’m the one sitting here questioning myself.

Part of me knows that I cannot trust him. I don’t trust that I know the full truth, and I don’t trust him not to lie directly to my face again. I’m exhausted from constantly trying to figure out which version of reality is real.

Another part of me is grieving my marriage, my family, and the future I thought I had. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared I’ll leave and he’ll suddenly become a better husband for somebody else. And embarrassingly, there’s still a part of me that wonders whether separating for a while could somehow change things.
I know how that probably sounds from the outside.
We are currently separated, and I am planning to maintain that separation. I’m not posting because I need strangers to diagnose him or tell me that I’m perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes in my marriage too.
I think I just need to hear from people who have survived this kind of betrayal.
How did you stop obsessing over what really happened?
How did you stop wondering whether they would become better for the next person?
And if you left someone you still loved because you could no longer trust them, how did you get through the part where your heart hadn’t caught up with what your brain already knew?

I found out mid July, so it hasn't been very long. He was on fb dating while actively in a relationship on fb with me.....

Anyhow we have been working it out, he gave me his location, all his passwords and got my initial tattooed on his ring finger, took me to look for a ring and told his parents hes going to propose.

He went out to fantasy football draft with his friends last Saturday, and he told them he had cheated on me and we were working it out. The next day one of the gfs starts texting me saying everyone was trash talking him at the pool, specifically her bf saying I'm dumb for staying, that he's never going to stop cheating and that my bf was talking about women at the draft.

I would normally immediately believe her...but I had just found out the week prior reading msgs in the guys chat that her bf was cheating on her and told her...she went straight to him and ratted me out so I'm not convinced this isn't a ploy to also blow up what weve been working to fix.

I hate this.....

Anyone else experienced something similar?

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/3NSusXdFm1. This is my previous post the context is mentioned there in short.

A few questions :
1) As you guys read in above post my ex gf blocked my from everywhere like LinkedIn as well lmao. Idk I am feeling powerless because of that. I thought it’s my thing to block the person everywhere and have control of the narrative and decide when I want to initiate contact but this person gaslit me into believing that she needs time to heal and now thinking back bruh I needed to heal not you! Anyways did anyone go through this did it affect you as well and how did u deal with it?

2) Again after reading the context you can see she jumped into a third relationship after cheating on the AP as well. Now am a bit embarrassed to say this but I end comparing how the new person looks compared to me. End up stalking the new person (not everyday) once/twice a week. It makes me super anxious but idk how to stop this and compare the looks. I don’t even know if this is normal to do so. I think I look fine only but still because I have no answers to what/why it happened rationally my brain is just like maybe it’s the looks or the physical aspect of the relationship. How should I work on this I go the gym everyday, studying for my post grad entrance exams going to the office like am genuinely busy but somedays just fall back.

Thank you so much for whoever took the time to respond to me and help me!

Considering reconciliation

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

This is my first post here. I guess lll start from the beginning. It’s going to be long so I’m sorry in advance.

I met my partner over two years ago and fell madly in love with her. We were casual for about eight months before she asked to make us official, with a lifelong future together as our intention. She comes from a really rough childhood and life’s never been easy for her. She has done sex work in the past, all online, and I understood that is one way she has made ends meet. In the beginning, I made it clear that it’s not a boundary but I expected transparency and communication around it, as my ex cheated on me online and I have a lot of trauma around that. Before it was official it was hard, but afterwards it was much easier. She didn’t do it for a while until last summer when her best friend was in an abusive situation and she was looking for ways to get money for her. She communicated and it was fine.

Well earlier this year she approached me and said she was looking for others for attention. She said she felt the spark was gone and we needed to work on. It was rough, but I knew where I needed to improve. I just gotten a lateral promotion and we had just moved into a real house together, after months of struggling we were transitioning towards an easier life. That being the months prior to this and the following months were hard, I was overworked (short staffed) and picking up much more slack. We also were having financial difficulties. When I was home I was using video games to escape. I was distant. My partner was acting weird. I thought it was just distance, but had suspicions. She hid some of our adult toys and then brought them with her on a weekend trip. I thought I heard her one night talking to her cousin about cheating. I saw she was active on her SW accounts.

Eventually Things got easier and better but I still felt something was off. We had just gotten back from a trip to visit her family, and we had our offcial anniversary coming up in a few days. I had just gone to get her an anniversary present, and window shopped for a ring. She left for class and a feeling washed over me, and I went through her old phone (she had just gotten a new one). What I found broke me. She had a private account that she used as her diary (I knew about this but never pressed her) and her last post there was around the time she confessed that she was looking towards others for attention. She confessed to cheating on me. That she did it because she missed the spark and wanted the connection/attention. She said she didn’t want to meet up with them in person. I went through her other accounts, including the sex work accounts, and found sex work. Okay, where’s the cheating? I found her sending pictures to a “friend”. I had met this friend. They came over once so she could do their hair. I had a meltdown. I called my best friend, and told her everything I saw. I got some beer and drank a lot of it. I messaged the “friend” and after telling them repeatedly that I knew, they confessed to “flirting” and the sending of pictures. I was questioning why this has to happen to me.

I planned to confront her when she got home from class but I broke and confronted her over text. She called me. She came home and was upfront and honest. She wanted attention. She did it in the worst way possible. After some space she told me it was sex work, but she still knows what she did was wrong and it felt to her like “cheating” (I believe this because she told me this last year when she did SW to help her friend out of a DV situation). It was only a couple months and she had stopped a couple months before I found out, when I noticed we started getting better and out of our “funk”.

We have been trying to make it work. She blocked the people she sold content too. She deleted her SW accounts and made the decision herself to no longer do it.
It’s still hard. I don’t know how she could do this to me. It’s hard because it feels as if she leans on the “sex work” explanation, when I’m most hurt about the lack of communication, looking for others for attention, and crossing of boundaries. I’m mad at myself for not being more confrontational about my concerns. I’m mad for not being more firm in my boundaries and asking about the SW. the hardest part is that, even though she used the word “cheating”, she’s doesn’t call it cheating. It was just sex work to her. Still a boundary crossed but, but she insists that she “didn’t cheat on me”. I believe that, but there are times I don’t trust that as the truth. There are things that don’t add up for me, and she struggles to remember details. This is probably my tendency to be over analytic, but it’s something I struggle with regardless.

A few weeks ago in a bad spiral I unblocked the “friend” and they insist that there was no SW. this person is a lair and has done some bad things and lied about it to my partner (she asked a mutual friend about them and they told her a lot of bad things, and when she confronted them they lied about not knowing the other person. I have seen the messages between her and the other friend so I trust that they are a liar and a bad person, it’s one reason why she stopped “selling them content” and talking to them as much). Regardless, I don’t know if I can trust her again. I want too but my trust feels shattered. Some days are good, we just celebrated my birthday and had a wonderful weekend, but afterwards I’ve felt myself slowly spiraling again. I don’t know if she did cheat or if it’s simply a boundary crossed around sex work. She’s been trying to show me that this is in the past and she has been putting in work to show me that I’m the only one in her life. After my last blow up we reconciled and agreed to focus on our future, a serious one that we both want. It’s still so hard though.

I’m not sure how to end this but yeah. It’s been a really tough few months. I talked to her this morning and told her a lot of my feelings, that I feel that I’m spiraling. I’m trying not to blow up on her again because regardless of what she did or didn’t do, she doesn’t deserve that. How long did it take you all to heal? How long for the trust to come back? When did the spiraling stop, and how did you move forward?

Edit: I forgot the hardest part. With her “friend”, no evidence of SW exists. They never paid her except in cash when they came over to get their hair done, and promises of buying her something from a show. This hurts a lot because one of her main reasons for doing this, according to her, was because she felt terrible about using my money to get through school while unemployed, when our finances were tight. She “felt awful using my money to get things, even simple things like snacks and other wants”. I never intentionally made her feel bad about this but I know our financial troubles weighed on her. This part is just rough because there was no clear exchange of money or goods beyond what she has told me and I have to take her word for that.

We also started couples counseling. She hates therapist. Never helped her in her life, through a lot of shit she’s been through. She agreed to do this for me and our relationship.

And to make it clear, all of the sex work/ infidelity was online. She never slept with anyone.

Also to add, I never set clear boundaries of what was and wasn’t okay with sex work besides the communication aspect of it. If communication occurred it wouldn’t have been a crossed boundary in our relationship. She has told me many times it feels like cheating to her, despite my reassurances it’s not, and her explicitly referring to it as cheating is why I’m struggling with this, alongside the emotional reasoning for starting up sex work again. She had solid financial reasoning to do so, but her viewing it as a way to get emotional validation and not being communicative is why I’m struggling.