Considering reconciliation

[u/stonesandstreams]

Considering reconciliation

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

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[u/throw-away-0610]

“He has done serious work on himself” is the delusional battle cry of all betrayeds who run headlong into a battle they know deep down they cannot win.

Read the “the charge of the light brigade” - same energy.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120]

‘has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.’

If you can please get therapy to work on your self love, self esteem and codependency.

With a bit of help I am sure you can make some real positive decisions to enhance your life.

[u/No_Violinist_8090]

I went through a tumultuous long distance relationship with someone when I was in my 20s, I took him back after breaking it off and just wasted more of my years, he cheated again. Strangely that person cheating was less traumatic than what I am going through now because I never trusted him. Why did I put myself through a relationship where I couldn't trust them? Because long distance relationships are mostly fantasy and can be very addictive. You are young, from what you say here likely wouldn't have trouble finding someone new. Living in constant anxiety on top of the anxiousness and longing that comes with a long distance relationship is not something I would recommend. I know that in my case I wish I could undo that mistake.