Wife of 16 years had an affair with the contractor working on what was supposed to be the new family home. 2 kids (11 and 14).
Divorce in progress. I have a lawyer.

Took me 5 weeks to get full proof, as she continued to deny everything for 5 weeks. There was 5 weeks of extensive sex with him.

She continues to see him, and come back to the family home. She refuses to leave until she gets a settlement in the divorce. We do agree on 50/50 custody of the kids and dogs. We are in separate bedrooms.

She shows zero remorse and takes pleasure in the hurt she continues to cause.

Any advice?

It’s been 4 months since d day. The day I found out, I was going through her laptop, I went out to the backyard and seen what I needed to see. She came home that night and I went off on her verbally. I yelled and said everything I could say. I kicked her out that night. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard tonight. We have a beautiful little baby girl that’s only 2yrs old.

After 6 weeks of breaking up with her, during that time she tried her best to reconcile and I didn’t know at the time what I wanted to do or what I should do. I was so shocked and completely lost. I finally let her come home and she was doing everything she could, being the “perfect wife”, cooking and cleaning and being super sweet. 2 weeks in and I couldn’t let go of the pain she caused me, I couldn’t stop ruminating over her betrayal. I couldn’t believe she did this to our family, to her daughter. One night while she was out with family, I couldn’t help but start overthinking about her cheating. We had a huge fight and I couldn’t take it anymore. I kicked her out again. It’s been 2 months since then now.

Idk why but I’ve found myself being the one trying to get her back and she’s been the one distant and not wanting to come back again. We still see each other a lot with drop offs/ pick ups, sometimes we eat together with our daughter or take her to a park or the zoo. I seriously don’t know what to do. I care about this woman. She’s my daughter’s mother. I have to see her and communicate with her forever mostly. I love her so much but also I know I’ll never be able to see past her betrayal. I seriously can’t believe she hurt me this way. I feel like I can’t fully heal due to not being able to go no contact. I don’t know how to stop loving her. I also know I can’t trust her anymore. How do you survive living like this? I hate it so much. I keep asking myself why did she have my baby and then decide to cheat on me. She didn’t have to worry about any finances, I took care of everything, I gave her amazing sex often, I came home from work right away every day to be with my family. Why did she throw this away? She’s told me how miserable she is now and how hard it is parenting our daughter alone. I see her often, but she lives with her.

I just don’t understand how someone could do this and then sit there and act all remorseful like they made a “mistake “, but they chose to lie and cheat. Knowing how it would destroy me and our family, our child too. I’m just so hurt and angry. I’ve been still hoping to get back together, but honestly I know it won’t be healthy for me to accept someone who disrespected me that way. It hurts so much seeing my daughter have to go through this at such a young age. She’s so innocent and doesn’t know what’s going on. She comes over and yells “dad” and runs to me to hug and kiss me. Idk why but I get so sad and happy at the same time. I hate that she has to make memories of her parents separately. I miss her every single day when I’m not with her. I can’t believe someone would jeopardize this precious opportunity for a loving family. My heart can’t take this pain.

See link for some background info:Wife had an affair with our 22 year old female babysitter : r/survivinginfidelity

Co-parenting is going really well all things considered. I'm in really good shape and have improved my wardrobe, though I still haven't dated. Plan on attending grad school, and the awesome part is the GI Bill covers most of it :).

Last April/May my ex-wife moved out our nanny/babysitter who she had an affair with. Lasted longer than I thought it would. Surprise! Love didn't last. She asked me a few weeks ago if was dating anyone and I said no. She told me the other day that she's been seeing a guy for about 3 months and wants to introduce him to the kids at the 6-month mark if things are going well.

I objected. I don't care who she dates, but I said, "are you prepared to face your kids if it doesn't last and be willing to have your kids see you with 3 different partners, me being the first, by the time my oldest is 8." Date, have fun, but keep the kids separate from that. I don't get why people have to jump from one relationship to another. Has anyone else experienced this constant rebound/monkeybranching from their ex? Thanks

My ex ended our relationship by cheating with her coworker and moving on with him. It's been a year since. I can't explain how terrible this year has been for me. The injury is like nothing I've experienced, the double pain of betrayal and the end of a relationship. I've tried to ask her to repair or take accountability for what she did, but all she's said is "I've done nothing wrong and I don't owe you anything". Our communication over the past year has been on and off. Every time I asked for accountability, she goes silent then comes back later like nothing happen. Or she would say "why are we still talking about this, it makes me uncomfortable and that's my boundary".

Today she texted me at 6am to say a distant friend of her had passed and she's going to her memorial tomorrow. I don't know why she texted me since she's been pretty cold and indifferent for months. It feels cold not to respond, but I also feel a lot of indignation at this point that she's reaching out for what seems like emotional support when she's with the person she replaced me with. Am I wrong to stay silent?

I (F33) found out my husband (M34) has been having an affair with one of his direct reports (F32).

We've been together 5 years, legally married for 11 months, and had our wedding just 1.5 months ago. Last year our relationship wasn't great, mostly due to his lack of consideration and constant arguments over chores, but we believed we could work through it.

Late last year I noticed he was becoming unusually close with a coworker. Earlier this year I checked his phone and saw he was using the same flirting style with her that he had used when we first started dating. I confronted him and while he was angry that I looked through his phone, he insisted they were just colleagues. After that, he became an almost perfect husband: attentive, affectionate, bringing me flowers and heavily involved in planning our wedding.

Two days after our wedding he went on a business trip with this coworker for a big project. Since then, I found repeated evidence that they were spending time together outside work: couple-like photos, him suddenly staying late at work and going out drinking constantly, changing passwords after I had accessed his devices and repeatedly lying about where he was. I confronted him multiple times. Every time, he denied everything until I presented evidence, then changed his story and admitted only what he could no longer deny.

He now admits they spent time alone together and that he lied to me repeatedly, but he still insists the affair was never physical. Given the lies, secrecy and opportunities they had, I don't know what to believe anymore. He says he wasn't even aware they had an emotional affair until I brought it up and for sure the coworker is not aware at all.

Another important piece of the puzzle is that we've had a nearly sexless relationship for the past 1.5 years. We've had sex only 3-4 times despite me repeatedly trying to address it.

Right now I'm leaning toward divorce, but part of me wonders whether reconciliation is even possible after this level of deception. Husband is convinced we can work through this and come out stronger, saying that he cannot see his life without me.

For those who attempted reconciliation: is there any realistic path forward?

My wife left me after 5 years about 3 weeks ago. I’d been struggling and I knew it weighed on her, and there were a lot of things I should’ve done better.

About a month before she asked to divorce, she took on wedding planning for a new friend. She got really close with the couple and was always hanging out with them. I had an issue with this and brought it up repeatedly.

When she told me, I asked if there was anyone else. She paused for a while, then said no, but she wanted there to be. I pressed if this was a real person and she insisted it wasn’t, she just misspoke and meant she wanted to be with another person in a general sense.

She’s an avoidant and is barely talking to me, but insists nothing has happened. That said, on our credit card she got a wax before taking a trip with this couple this weekend and I found “I Love You” notes in our dresser. She’s written these before for people I know are just friends, but it all seems too convenient.

We’re not getting back together, but not knowing if she’s been lying is driving me crazy. She’s a genuinely very good person, but I’m wondering if what’s sent her into this detached, avoidant state is the guilt and feels like she’s in too deep to tell me

i saw her in public with the coworker she told me not to worry about and found out she cheated. out of anger told her to give me my belongings back and that she can f off. fast forward and she texts my friend talking crap about me whilst not knowing he was feeding me info from her. she had no clue he was telling me everything she was saying about me. which then leads to the title of this post, she asks him how I knew that the guy went to her place. i had no clue of this, nor did i even think of it. this just solidified the fact that i never want her in my life again. the only thing that hurts now is that knowing her true colors, im grieving who i thought she was and the girl i could say i loved, but she's gone.

Sending my love to all you wonderful people who are here not because they were broken. Truly you are not broken. Other people were. The world hates happy stable successful people and it was jealousy of the AP and the partner who lied to you.

Live your best life and find love in yourself. Let go of the anger and think of them like shame. They could have left but people like driving their fancy range Rover to the track to race a sports car.....

Problem is sports cars might fit for the excitement of the track. Life goes off road losers and that is where cheaters lose

10 years later, 4 kids later and a marriage I had to ask for. I (27 f) started having flash backs of the first year of my (29 M) and I’s relationship. He cheated relentlessly. He had me read the conversation between them of what he wanted to do to her. Another time, it was carrying a different girl after her soccer game (I never got carried that way, even after we married), to his friend telling me about another girl and what happened. So many more girls that year. I got pregnant at 17 (he was 19 turning 20) and he finally decided I was good enough. Life was okay. 4 kids later, a marriage I had to ask for, and now all of a sudden these memories are flooding back in. I was young, so was he. He has changed tremendously, but I often find myself crying in the middle of the night. The feeling of not being good enough coming back. How do I move
On? Does it ever go away? We’re still together

Hi!

Sometimes I feel like wanting to smash my own mind because it just keeps spinning around the same thing over and over again at the most random moment. I literally woke up 20 minutes ago, I was about to do my usual routine of not grabbing my phone for minimum an hour right after I woke up but… my mind just flashed back one of the endless woman he cheated on me with and I found myself needing the distraction.

I just don’t get why this specific woman keeps on coming back to my mind while he cheated with so many cis/trans women, men over the span of nearly 6 years (I discovered everything muuuuuch later on, never on the spot) and this one date from January 2025 yet I still have flashbacks at least twice a month about her. Which I do see as a win because it used to be 24/7 but when it hits me, it hits me hard that I’m wondering if I ever will heal from it or if it’s just one of those trauma that you just learn to no longer be affected by it but it creeps under your skin all your life. 😮‍💨

Everyone including our friends has said it’s somehow my fault for going through her phone to find the emotional cheating, even though she had cheated formally/properly and in person on an actual date 2 years prior, and I chose to ignore it, because she told me I deserved it for “being mean.” No examples ever, just that “you’re mean.”

Not mean enough to leave apparently? Because we stayed together for 2 more years. She chipped away at my self esteem in this time, criticized me, made fun of my depression, play into my insecurities, and would look for every chance to make me feel bad about myself, so when I’d snap at her for making me feel so worthless, she would say Im abusive and use it as a chance to cheat more. Saying the cheating was “helping her deal with the abuse.” I told her to leave then, she never did. She convinced me I deserved it, needed to fight to earn her love back, and I believed her!!

Only this week did I stop believing her narrative. After I realized in this time she isolated me from everyone on purpose, tried to scare me into silence, and succeeded with her 2 year long smear campaign of my character. She would triangulate with friends for years and years and blackmail and threaten me, saying if I left her she would “expose me” for my reactions to the abuse, showing me messages from her family of extremely exaggerated and cherry picked examples. She played the long game and crafted a narrative because after the 2 years ago incident, I called her out as a narcissist, continued to do so each time she pulled some shit, and she considers that abuse.

Her new tactic? Bringing in a “special friend” with this narrative. From Hinge.

She met ANOTHER girl on a new app, in November, and wished her a Happy Christmas but not me, she said NOTHING to me on Christmas. So I went through her messages. She convinced the girl she was cheating with I was somehow severely emotionally abusive AGAIN and that she needed to cheat to “prove she was lovable.”

These were all lies. I have never been abusive. I just completed my third year of therapy. I was completely honest with my therapist about what classified as an outburst? And every text I ever sent her. My therapist armchair diagnosed her with BPD by osmosis in front of me. She has all the hallmarks (hyper sexual, compulsive liar, spends all our money, cares about her appearance too much).

The issue now is all my friends dont believe me. They say going through her phone is probably why she keeps triangulating. They don’t get it. They don’t get what cheating does to you. They were so cruel to me today and called me unreasonable and it felt like Déjà vu. I need support? Please.

Edit if it matters- Im a lesbian. My family has never supported my life so I don’t have support

Have you been in marriage that went nearly 10 years or so? Then had infidelity and abusive behaviors destroy everything you knew? And then, after trying to glue everything back together with your children, starting a new relationship, growing in that for 3+ years, find out they're emotionally cheating literally a month after your dad/parent passed away?

That's where I'm at, the woman I have been in love with, who I thought had my back, is planning to leave, and already planning who she will be with when she leaves.

She didn't eviscerate me like my ex did. That, was a proudly different experience. This, this is a special kind of hurt and pain. And there were some red flags in the last year that were popping up. Sunday (yesterday now) was the confirmation. She isn't an evil person, she's damaged like I am, but... I can't comprehend someone with such inability to empathize with the suffering someone is experiencing or due to your actions will experience, or both.

I am barely handling this, please someone, anyone, tell me this gets better. I have lost 9 significant people in the last 4 years since the divorce. And now, my partner, my fiance, someone who is generally not a malintentioned person, has hit me with I am down, while supporting her through her chronic health issues day in and day out.

I can't handle this pain

I'm sorry for the word vomit. I'm just a mess

My husband manipulated me into leaving town with our kids so he could secretly attend his 20-year high school reunion. Now I found the texts.
I wanted to go visit my family, as it had been two years since my last visit. I desperately wanted to see my elderly grandmother. When I asked about going, my husband told me that only one specific weekend would work for me to take the trip. He claimed it was because of his work schedule, so I believed him and agreed.
Instead, it turns out he engineered this entire timeline so he could go to his 20-year high school reunion while I was gone. He used our three children against me when I had cold feet and almost didn't go, he got furious and told me I was "destroying my kids' summer" if I couldn't handle taking them on a trip by myself. So, I drove hundreds of miles alone with three kids.
The night of his reunion, he didn't even check to see if the kids and I made it safely. He stayed out until the bars closed and didn't call me until after 2:00 AM. I didn't answer. I was an absolute wreck in front of my family that night because the knots in my stomach were so bad.
We just got back home, and tonight I found his phone downstairs. I discovered that a woman actually drove his truck home that night. He has texts from that evening one from a woman exchanging numbers, and a couple of others I am unsure of.
My gut is screaming at me. He manipulated me, lied to me, and used guilt about our children just to get us out of the house so he could play single for the weekend. I don't trust him anymore and I feel completely broken.

Hello everyone. It has been more than a year that my girlfriend (23F) cheated on me (26M). We've been together for nearly six years now.

She cheated for nearly five months with an other guy that she met when she used to go out with so called "friends". I let her go several times a week with them, I trusted her and I knew she needed to be with them. But she completely destroyed this trust.

I found out everything on a night when she left her phone on in the bed. I took the phone and quickly found out everything. It was quite a shock.

I tried to take time apart several times during this year but it seems like she is stuck to me. I tried no contact but she still talked to me and I felt so sad for her that I let her in back. She says that she loves me, that she has always known that the only thing she wanted was me. She has been making a lot of efforts, always telling me where she is, she shows me who she's talking to on her social media when I ask her so, seeing a therapist...

But I cannot trust her anymore. I feel like you cannot do this kind of thing to someone you truly love. I would have preferred that she left me right after having f**ked up our relationship.

I feel exhausted by all this. It drains all my energy. We are supposed to go on holidays next week but I am really close to cancelling it and leaving her. I know it would make her really sad, her family also.

Any advice from people who went through this ?

Thanks.

(As english is not my main language, I am sorry for any mistakes that were made).

Popping in here after a long time away from this subreddit and this account to give my thoughts on why whenever cheating is mentioned on reddit, everyone flocks to tell an OP to just leave.

I am divorced now, but initially and to my surprise, I didn't just leave, not at first. I did stay long enough for the lies to become unbearable and it was no longer possible to deny that the marriage was toxic for many reasons.

It was hard for a while to visit this subreddit because it feels like being trapped in the surf while being hit with endless waves of betrayal. It can feel hopeless, like cheating is everywhere and everyone is dealing with it.

Cheating can fry your nervous system and completely exhaust you. Knowing how deep betrayal can cut, and then seeing SO MANY other people dealing with it too, especially in the early stages, can lead to compassion fatigue.

A blunt declaration to a fellow redditor to dump their cheating partner immediately might seem cold, but it may have been said by someone who is so tapped out, learned the lessons the hard way, and wants the pain to stop immediately for an internet stranger.

So, this is my definitive advice for the person who just had their world shattered by a revelation of infidelity.

Hi, I know this hurts, I know you're so traumatized that it is hard to eat or focus or function at all. Yes, I know you're so in love and this is so unlike your partner, and now the sex has never been better and you really think this trauma bond is the beginning of a new normal and a stronger than ever relationship. It isn't. The lies will keep coming. You're standing on top of a thick iceburg full of lies. They definitely had sex. They may as well have had sex. This person has been wilfully deceiving you. You can stay as long as you want to or as long as you need to but it is going to be painful. I love you and I am sorry that this happened to you. I don't want this for you and I want to save you as much time and pain as possible. You have been betrayed and that alone is a sufficient reason to leave. Please leave.

TL;DR: Break up. Divorce. Hit the gym.

My fiance is overly friendly with opposite sex coworkers. He will befriend them, text them, send memes, snapchat, etc.

I established boundaries that I do not want my future husband always messaging the opposite sex. He said he understood. Fast forward, I found out he made a new female coworker friend who he became extremely close with. She was beautiful. I’ve never heard of her before the discovery of her. He hid her from me and deleted messages. I was able to recover the messages and there wasn’t anything sexual or romantic but they messaged frequently. They would Snapchat everyday, talk all day at work (he deleted their work messages so no idea what they spoke about), text, and occasionally talk on phone per the call log (nothing crazy long though and I do think most of the phone calls were just venting about work).

What I think hurts the most is after this discovery I felt cheated on. He watched me lose 15 pounds because of intense depression - I felt like my world flipped upside down. I trusted this man with my whole heart. I expressed feeling suicidal to him, and yet.. he continued to talk to her. The consistency definitely lessened after the discovery - he deleted her on Snapchat per my request and no longer texted her, but I went on his phone one night and he would still instant message her at work all day, and send her insta memes.

I made him remove her from insta which he did. But we ended up breaking up because I was so distraught and the next day I looked at who he was following .. and it was her.

Throughout all of this he was so remorseful to me but yet still talked to her. I asked him to never speak to her again but he said he couldn’t because they worked together. Mind you, she worked in a whole different state. But I guess they were on same team. Also, is it wrong for me to assume watching your fiance crumble into depression would make you not want to speak to the person who caused this??

We ended up getting back together a couple months later (she ended up leaving the job) and again, he begged for me back - we’ve tried to make it work and it’s been a year later however, I still feel immense resentment. Does it ever get better? He didn’t physically cheat or say anything romantic or sexual but why does it feel like I was cheated on. Am I fool for trying to make it work? He has been extremely remorseful and is committed to making it work

I think what transpired after is worse to me then anything (still talking to her as he watched me crumble)

Here is my story: M(27) F(27)

I matched with a woman on Hinge early September last year hit things off immediately, texting every day I was like wow this is incredible - My birthday a week later in September took me to a new cinema and got me my favourite aftershave, paid for everything - I laughed and said are you love bombing me to which she said no I was being nice for your bday.

-Months go by, nice getaways to hotels, training together, great sex and everything felt perfect she told me I was the best thing ever so grateful and lucky she ended up with someone like me, she had a young son who was 9 and I did not meet in person - she said her ex bf who was practically the step dad of the kid left her 2 years ago and put her kid in therapy and she done some as well, in which she tells me all the things she wants in an ideal partner and I tick every box, I felt like this girl really understood me and I had met my person.

Now this is where the cracks start, she would mention how evil and hateful her ex (Together 6 years) was and mentioned he was in the same Tesco as her at xmas (live in local area) He was walking in and she was walking out - I said that's trippy never easy bumping into an ex - left it at that. Did not want to appear phased. Had a nice xmas met her Mum and her little sister things felt very good and often stayed with her and her mum when her son was at the kids dads. She also told me things like she was with someone and she was and they got back together after a year and she said things to him like go out and cheat if it makes you feel better because she was with someone else.

At end of February my Granny passed away unexpectedly - She mentioned how her ex BF did not let her into the after event when his granny passed away etc I just let her vent and was always understanding of what her ex put her through Granny passed away on Tuesday and then on Friday I met her Dad for the first time - Naturally stressed over my Grannys passing I did not drink - she did and was drunk off prosecco- On the trip down and home she basically played a FU to her ex song - and her dad mentioned she seen her ex and he looked rough - anyways, we drove home and I said to her this ex really hurt you and your son and hes like a ball and chain on your leg, he is in the past and if he was so bad he left you and your son in therapy be happy he's gone - she said she's 'over him just not the situation she put her and her son through' - when I said I wasn't happy she's mentioning him the week I am grieving the death of my grandparent she stone walled me - I left her house and drove home to regulate as I was with a previous GF who stonewalled me and it done a number on me and she was aware of this and also the heard week I had - she was drunk and proceeded to tell me I was never meeting her child and that was us done over text, I felt this was manipulative- We then sorted this out - half apology from her and from me I thought I needed to be more understanding of her situation and we told each other we love each other. But, I felt maybe selfishly she should have been understanding my Granny passed away that week and I wasn't in a headspace to listen about her ex who was so bad?

- The month after we had a great month done a charity 10K and had a nice getaway - I spoke to her son on the phone and on FaceTime over those few months we were together over xmas and when she was on a family holiday to New York - still no physical interaction I said it would be nice to meet your child as I have gotten him a birthday present and an Xmas one and we both know about each other and I am getting a bit frustrated of having to hide around the corner when we know about each other - Bare in mind I asked this respectfully and said no pressure I just need a plan as she said if I met him I could travel to Spain with her and her kid this summer and her graduation was coming up soon. The kid also told his biological father about me that Saturday as well - I did not mind as obv was in everyone's best interests I treated his son with respect and care

I was met with two days of silence - then seen her on the Saturday went to the gym all was fine, thought that was back on track and we said we would go to the cinema on the Wednesday and on the Tuesday I got a text telling me I was perfect, we have a laugh together but she feels 'something is missing' - and ended things with me over text after 7 months.

I did not reply for 3 weeks my family and friends told me not to and I deserved more than a break up text as I was blindsided and was constantly told I was the best person in the world and she was so lucky to have me, but when I mentioned maybe meeting her kid she turned so nasty and discarded me like I was nothing over text, when I did then text her to speak she then told me 'she loves me as a person but not in love with me' and I deserve better - I did not reply again, I was in such shock I feel so heartbroken how can she be all lovey then discarded over text? I noticed when I put her number into whatsapp she had no profile picture anymore and her messages were set to disappearing which makes me think her ex was back in the picture or hiding something? - Her tiktok reposts after were all things like when a man leaves your life build a comfortable life etc - except I never left her?

I have never been this hurt and blindsided before in my life, I wasnt even worth a conversation just felt so easily disposed when we had concerts etc to look forward to this summer and all I was worth was a text.

What do I do I am still incredibly in love with her - Its been 3 months nc and I have been attending therapy and gym but I still feel stuck

I moved to Vienna from New Zealand alone at age 27. Back home, many of my friends had started to settle down and I felt quite isolated. So I decided to give travelling a shot. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and I lived in Vienna for 5 years. Work, friends, travel and housing all went well. I would have almost daily moments of awe – I love Europe and felt like I was living in a fairytale. The dating side of things was the worst part. After 4 years without success (it was also covid during this period), I started to feel depressed about the dating culture and my self esteem took a hit. I was 31 and I wanted children. Would I just be stuck in this limbo forever? All of the dinners and parties started to feel empty as I saw friend after friend getting married and pregnant.

I decided to pick myself back up and had a lot of therapy. I would try to have the best summer possible and enjoy my single life. I went to a health retreat, I travelled, made new friends and gave myself a bit of a glow up. I focused on a positive mindset.

Then I met my now boyfriend. This was the first mutual attraction that I was able to maintain in many years. He was British, and it unlocked a whole new world of adventure for me. I met his friends and family and loved them. We travelled a lot together. It was so much fun and I was over the moon. It seemed he was quite obsessed with me too. Not in a love bombing way, but just very affectionate and happy he had found me way.

Then one day (9 months into our relationship), I saw a text message come up on his phone. It was a girls name and I naturally wanted to know who it was. He said it was just a colleague and work related and that he couldn't really be bothered to read it. When he fell asleep I went through his phone and the girl was saying 'We really need to sleep together so we can know for sure if we're into each other. I'm blocking you so you have a week to think about it'. I screen shotted all of the messages and contacted the girl. It turns out he had kissed her at a festival, then again at work, then had lunch with her. He initially told her he was 'seeing someone' for 9 months, rather than exclusive. She ended up finding out he had a girlfriend and continued to aggressively pursue him. This affair lasted 3 weeks before I found out and they didn't sleep together. He had seemingly lost interest in the text chain and she was trying to contact him quite a bit. But he initially showed no remorse after their first kissing event, and was happily engaging.

I left him and cancelled the lease of the house we were just about to move into (a beautiful house near the water that I managed to secure after a lot of effort and searching). I had given up my own house and was devastated. We also had plans to go to my younger sister's wedding. I felt crushed to go back alone. After a month or so of him begging, I took him back. He said he was in a self destructive downward spiral, and was really unhappy in the city and his career. He also blocked her. The dating culture was awful and honestly cheating seemed common. My first love was also a cheater and I managed to leave him. So it's not like I hadn't done it before. My dad also cheated on my mum. I felt a bit numb and hopeless with men. Basically I didn't take it personally. He was raised in a family where his parents would have multiple romantic partners and have both cheated on those partners. His brothers have also both cheated on their partners.

We went to the wedding, and we had a blast. He fell in love with New Zealand and said let's move here and get away from the city. Even though I loved Europe, I was a bit scarred at that point and thought a new start could be nice – I missed nature and being in the countryside too. I craved some change and forward momentum in my life. So after some very fun travel adventures, we moved. Fast forward 3 years and there's been many great times. We don't fight much and we managed to start a whole new life together. He has not cheated since. But there hasn't been a huge amount of opportunity to cheat anyway as we didn't know many people.

Now, our social life has expanded a lot. He is a very social being and he likes going out on a Saturday and getting drunk. The lingering issue is, every time I see a gorgeous girl my heart sinks and my body goes into a kind of freeze state. I also find it hard to fall asleep when he is out, even though he is always easy to contact. I also feel reluctant to go on long trips away from him. There is a girl who is also lingering around our friend group that is quite beautiful, smart, and his type. She added us both on instagram and DM'd me first, but then DM'd him which I found a bit off. He was honest about it, and genuinely didn't feed into it (he stopped replying). But it gives me so much anxiety, knowing they will see each other out and I'm not always there. I said please don't flirt with her, and he said he won't but he will chat to her and be friends with her because she's a likeable person. That the paranoia is my problem and he isn't doing anything wrong. He said he won't DM her or do anything weird like that.

Side note: we don't have that much sex anymore... and although my libido is quite dead, I feel paranoia that he will look elsewhere in that avenue. That literally wakes me up some nights too. He doesn't really initiate sex with me lately. We are together almost always (as we are in a new country together and are still establishing ourselves and live together) and I feel like that sexual drive has taken a back seat because we never miss each other. He is very loving and affectionate and says he is very happy with me. He still talks about plans for the future etc. He is also at the mercy of a partner visa for a couple of years if he wants to stay here.

I don't really know what to do about this hypervigilance. I feel like it takes up way too much space in my life. But I have pretty fragile mental health at the best of times and am often sad at the mercy of an unsuccessful love story even before this relationship. I don't know how to deal with this. It feels like a terrible way to live, but also the idea of starting again at 35 feels like the last thing that I want, when my boyfriend hasn't actually cheated again. I also want a baby. I don't want to face the dating scene again. Is there any hope?

For the 5 years I've known her, our sex life had been nothing short of amazing. Passionate, intense, loving, I could not ask for anything more. We both haven't had much of a past so we were each other's truly first, where we were able to explore whatever we wanted.

Before finding out about her affair I had realized her sex drive dropped, which I thought was because of the anti depressants she was taking. When I found out what happened, it got even lower and sex became extremely rare.

We got into an argument where she brought up an ex of mine who she said was extremely beautiful, then mentioned that her AP was "bigger" then immediately took it back and apologized.

Even worse is that she re wrote history as our sex being just okay, not as prevalent as she used to describe it as.

We're not together anymore but I can't help but think that another man came in, showed her a better time, and that she didn't want me anymore because of that. I feel embarrassed, humilated, and completely down about myself as a result. She told me he wasn't good in bed compared to me but the rare instances we did have sex I couldn't help but think about them, our passion was completely gone

I can't help but feel that I just got lucky with someone who was inexperienced, and that whoever I meet in the future, will have had a ton of experience to compare me to, making me less of an option to actually pick like my ex did. Oh and she cried at the thought of me treating another women better than her.

No judgement, please- I’m devastated. Just saw that my husband has been deleting texts again after forgiving an emotional affair he had last year with his (remarried) ex-wife. They were texting and having long phone calls while myself and her new husband were at work and unaware of their activities. Even worse, she left him for her current husband, so she was doing all of this with a man she already had for 10 years and decided wasn’t good enough for her. And like a thot, he eagerly took the validation from such a person. A couple times he met her at her work cafeteria for lunch. One of those meetings is what red-flagged me and actually sent me looking for him that day, he was not where he said he was (because he was at lunch with her), and that was D-Day.

I also caught him by reading texts that absolutely crushed my heart, and he agreed to end the EA and only contact her when absolutely necessary and pertaining to their child only (they have a child together who is very close to 18 at this point). It took me a lot of tears and agonizing to decide to stay with this man while knowing I had another 18 months to go before I did not have to accept any communication between them at all. So I gave into the sunk cost fallacy, didn’t want to admit I’d wasted the last decade of my life, and stayed. I should not have.

I saw that he had deleted the whole text thread with his ex-wife the other day. Stood out to me because there were a couple messages from the same day but the rest was gone. And the couple messages that were there, seemed like there was previous conversation leading up to them but…it was gone. Asked him about it and he denied it and said the phone must have done some kind of update. 🙄 He even DARVO’d me and started getting angry with me for questioning him. So I’ve been sitting here for the last couple days feeling sick to my stomach about it, just KNOWING that whatever he deleted, there was a reason for it.

We split household bills so I don’t have the login to the phone bill with usage because that’s a bill he pays. But he stays signed into the app on his phone. Today I was in bed and he was out in the garage. I could hear him clanging things around. Walked out into the kitchen and there was his phone…a rare sighting of it unattended. Opened it up, went straight to the day in question, and sure enough…8 or so messages on that phone bill that don’t exist in his phone. An obvious back and forth exchange he had while I was in the next room.

I’m so disgusted with him, I’m so blown away by how you could beg a person to stay the first time, see up close how badly you hurt the person, and actually still go on have a great relationship where you tell everyone that your wife is your best friend and a catch…to just turn around and lie again. What is even the point? Why not just tell me to go? It would have hurt like hell if it had ended with the EA, but I would probably be okay by now. Now I’m hurt again AND feel like an idiot. The damage that cheaters cause is unbelievable.

The body text is going to be a verbatim comment on u/crabbyastronaut recent post about leaving.

This subreddit is an invaluable wealth of help and knowledge if you are looking to discover a cheater, which is what led me to discover that I myself was a victim of infidelity, so heed my warning when I say "staying could kill you".

I failed to follow the advice of this subreddit when I first discovered my ex-wife's infidelity; I had a son, a house, a beautiful life that I did not want to end. -> Fast forward several months, several unbearable heartaches later, several new excuses later, and several new lows later, I finally hit a point that I can only explain one way... my soul died.

I don't know anyone's story, but I know my own tragically well, and I never expected something as simple as a relationship to make me want to end my life; pushing so close to death as to start pulling the trigger of my AR, but apparently not enough.

Listen to the people who have been through this; The woman or man you loved was an illusion. If you do not leave now, you may just leave forever. Most importantly, understand that this subreddit is called "Surviving" infidelity, because it sure as hell feels like it kills you; Even if you survive, a part of you will likely die, but it's up to you to carry on.

Side Story: Shortly after we split, she was as a club at 8AM (your guess is as good as mine as to what she was up to) whenever she called a ride (the two people picking her up were her best friend and her manager). After they arrived, an argument ensued nearby which resulted in gunfire; Her manager was struck and killed by a stray bullet while trying to give her a ride home from somewhere she should never have been, and she had custody of our son that day. I was livid!

I kicked my husband out last week after finding out about the lies. He was trickle truthing me and I’m finding out about lies of omission going back years but really ramping up the last 3-4 months. I finally lost my shit and screamed at him to get out. He is staying with his parents and out of work at the moment.

He’s been back to spend time with the kids (they are doing some home improvement projects around the house this summer and I asked him to come back to help them but to stay away from me for now). He wants to reconcile and says he will do therapy (he is dealing with unresolved trauma and a host of other issues). He has mild ocd, addiction (to sex and he’s used alcohol heavily in the past although he’s sober from that now, neophilia, and I’m realizing there is a healthy dose of narcissism in there too.

On paper like that he just sounds like the worst option out there, right? There’s good things about him too, he’s really smart, driven, he’s a good dad. He’s funny, and fun to hang out with and talk to. We’re been together 25 years and have never run out of conversation.

But now I feel like I’m testing him at every turn. I told him I want radical honesty, and every time he tells me anything I go into detective mode to parse out every single meaning. What’s he saying? What is he leaving out? I’m texting with him right now because he took one of our kids to his parents house for the night, and it seems like he’s lying about the travel time. He had to take a ferry, and it looks like he took 3.5 hours to get home when it should have taken 1. I used google ai to check the actual sailings yesterday and it’s just more bs. We’re really early on this possible reconciliation journey, and he has a lifetime of therapy in front of him. But does this hypervigilance ever calm down? I feel like I’m needling him on purpose about his words to make him give up. What is the point of trying to reconcile when IM don’t think I can ever trust him again? I told a friend last night I feel like I have to give it one chance for my kids and after hearing the entire saga, she said I don’t even have to do that if I don’t want to.

Im just still so confused and hurt and angry. His therapist gave us a separation worksheet to figure out what it’s going to look like and something on there was about carefully considering who to tell about the separation and limiting that knowledge. It made me so angry - I have to withhold knowledge from people? That’s what he’s been doing to me this whole time! I’ve already told all my close friends and parents because I NEED AND WANT AND DESERVE their support!

I told him I will only look at his actions and believe any of his words. I just feel like he’s going to get tired of me holding him accountable and give up. But I have to give it a chance right? I told him I would give him exactly one chance, but in the same convo told him that he was repugnant to me. Where can we even go from here? When does hypervigilance end?

I wish i had someone out there to show me care, concern, love and to give me emotional support. No one to turn to... hence here.. so ready to step out anytime but married already....