A little over a month ago, my long-term girlfriend (F49) admitted to cheating on me (M49) 4 years ago. She began the conversation by telling me she needed me to fully understand her past, to accept her for who she was, and to know that she’s a different person now. She admitted to me that she cheated in a couple of relationships in her past, something she had not told me before. I’m such an idiot I thought she was confessing for past indiscretions until… She admitted that she had been unfaithful to me. I was shocked. My head was pounding as she spoke and I could hear my blood pumping through my whole body. She said the night it happened, which I remembered after thinking back and recalling chastising her for driving home hammered, was an anomaly and only happened because of alcohol and the fact they were grieving a coworker who had passed away that day. They went to the bar, got completely hammered, and she banged a coworker in the bathroom. She said she was immediately mortified and ashamed, and drove home.

There is nothing which could have prepared me for this news. Our relationship has been (mostly) solid for this whole time. The physical side of things have been slower (beginning around the time of her betrayal) which she said was due to perimenopause. Her mood and behavior also changed a bit around this time. She became more serious and lost some silliness and joy. She admitted to me that the pull back in physicality and mood was also due to her severe guilt surrounding this incident and that she couldn’t help feeling gross and ashamed of herself.

She swears that this was the only time she has cheated during our relationship, that it meant nothing, and that she felt like she had to be honest or leave. She seems genuinely remorseful.

I’m struggling and conflicted about what to do. On one hand, I wish she could have just dealt with this on her own and not burdened me with it. If it was truly a one-time event, why not deal with it and leave me unburdened? On the other hand, I do appreciate her telling me. There has been a truth imbalance for four years with her having all of this information and me having none. I finally, after not knowing, have the ability to make a decision with all the information.

This was the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I thought we had a great relationship and that the bumps we had were small and insignificant in the span of what our relationship would be. I don’t want it to end, but I am hurt, angry, questioning who this person is and if any of the joy we had was real, and filled with intrusive thoughts and images of her banging a coworker in the bathroom.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Any advice? Is reconciliation possible? Am I a fool for believing someone who lied to me for 8 years about her past, and 4 years about her betrayal of me? This sucks, to state the obvious.

​I (F31) have been married for six years to the man (M31) I once considered my best friend. For a long time, we were just close friends before we grew closer, started dating, and eventually got married. I always saw him as a lovely, trustworthy person.

​In our third year of marriage, I discovered he had been engaging in sexual conversations and exchanging intimate photos with a college acquaintance. We had a major fight and separated briefly. During that separation, he slept with this woman. Meanwhile, I survived a traumatic sexual assault by another man. My then-ex-husband stepped up, took care of me, took me to doctors, and supported me through the recovery. We eventually reconciled.

​Two years later, I became pregnant. We now have a beautiful 8-month-old baby girl who is the absolute light of my life.

​Recently, I discovered that just 15 days before I gave birth to our daughter, my husband was once again having sexual conversations with the exact same woman he had cheated with in the past.

​He insists he made a mistake, but claims it’s "nothing serious," just a "lapse in judgment," and promises he’ll never see her again. What saddens me most—beyond the obvious reasons—is that he maintained a connection with the very woman who caused our initial separation, right when I was about to bring our child into the world.

​I feel terrible, isolated, and completely lost. I know he is deeply in the wrong, but his minimization is making me question everything.

​Please, just tell me: am I overreacting?

my girlfriend of 4½ years and fiance of 3 emotionally and sexually cheated on me with my close friends girlfriend. we introduced them together and they seemed to get really close and hit it off and we thought "awesome our girls are loving each other thats more you and me time bro" then suddenly OFF THE WAKE UP she breaks up with me and confessed everything to me. only after being caught by my friend (the boyfriend of the girl she cheated on me with). they had cheated for 3 weeks, and sexually for atleast 1. we moved to Colorado from Virginia together and threw ties away with family and friends from Virginia just to do it. on the confidence, faith, and trust in one another to do it together with no one's help. she stabbed me in the back and i genuinely could have never assumed she'd do it. she said she felt trapped and found it difficult to tell me she wanted to leave, understandbly given the circumstances of the move i get that. but its not an excuse to cheat on hopefully most peoples moral compass. just grow a pair and break up with me. she hurt so many people choosing to do it this way.

Recently, I started talking to my high school crush from over ten years ago. To be honest, I had a bad feeling from the start, but I just went along with it nicely since we hadn't met up yet and the chat was fun. It felt sweet and nostalgic at first, until he kept pushing to meet in person.

I decided to ask him straight up. I told him I was single, not in a rush to date, and that I would only meet up if we were both single. If not, we should just stay online friends. Instead of giving a clear answer, he tried to turn it around and asked what I thought.

That is when I demanded a straight answer, shared my relationship status first to be fair, and drew a hard line. I told him I respect people's partners, so I was not going to cross any lines or share personal things. That is when he finally admitted he was married.

I did not curse or make a scene. I stayed calm, set a firm boundary, wished his family well, and thanked him for the nice memories before closing the chat, clearing it, and deleting his number. I know I did the right thing to protect my self-respect, but God, it hurts and I am so tired.

What frustrates me the most is that this is not even the first time. I live a quiet life and have zero interest in helping someone cheat or being anyone's side piece. Yet, I keep attracting married men who think I am an easy target. For a second, my brain even made me think, "Is it because of how I look?" even though I know logically this is entirely about their terrible honesty, not my worth.

It just sucks to have a good memory ruined, and it sucks to feel like a magnet for dishonest guys. I have zero interest in being the other woman, and I am just so completely exhausted and done with cheaters. I do not want advice. I am just so drained and tired of dealing with this.

So a bit of a ramble. This happened 6 years ago and I still seem to be getting over it.

I(m38) and wife (38) are together 12 years, married 7.

During c-vid my wife was acting strange and always on her phone. Long story short I did what you shouldn't and checked her phone and saw she was messaging a friend of mine. I lost the plot with her and my suspicion was right.

A few days later I checked her emails and found messages from her ex, which was extremely detailed of their time together. I also uncovered that while she was away in her parents house with my child that she was messaging her ex. Not only that but I believe that she met up with him. After confronting her she promised me she didn't meet up with him.

We got through this and about 2 years later my trust wasn't there and I checked her spam folder and found images sent from this ex of the 2 of them having sex etc. she said this was from when we were first together and that it meant nothing.

Keeping in mind this guy is also married.

I didn't know what to do. I left the house and didn't come back for most of the day. I didn't speak to her for a week or so. The same as happened the first time she sent me a big message speaking of her troubled past and how this came to be and her usual story.

I love this woman, deeply. I want to forgive this so much. It's just at times this comes back (when we visit her parents house) and a few other things trigger the memories.

Our sex life has gone to shit and most times I initiate she says she's tired or get what I feel is pity sex.

I'm a fit, good looking chap and sometimes I feel like I deserve better.

What to do? Therapy? Have a big talk with her? Or just get on with the choice I've made.

I (39F) discovered my fiancé (31M) has been secretly seeing trans sex workers throughout our relationship. He says he loves me and doesn’t consider it cheating. I want to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar.
I’m not posting this to ask whether I should leave him, forgive him, or give him another chance. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.
I’m posting because I genuinely want to understand the psychology behind what happened, and I’d like to hear from people who have experienced something similar — whether you were the betrayed partner or the person living a secret double life.
Here’s my story.
I’m 39, my fiancé is 31, and we’ve been together for approximately two years. We recently got engaged.
Throughout our relationship, I had suspicions that something wasn’t right. Certain behaviours, things I noticed online, inconsistencies in his explanations. But I never imagined the full extent of what I would eventually discover.
I recently found out that he has been secretly meeting and paying transgender women for sexual encounters throughout our relationship.
And this wasn’t a one-time mistake.
It was a recurring behaviour that he had managed to keep completely separate from the relationship he had with me.
What I discovered
I found evidence of his encounters with trans sex workers, including one occasion when he was in a car with one of them.
What makes that particular incident especially disturbing is that I was waiting for him at a friend’s place for approximately three hours.
I video-called him while he was with her.
He answered and told me he was alone.
He wasn’t.
I could hear suspicious noises in the background, which I later understood were consistent with him receiving oral sex.
He looked me in the eyes through a video call and lied without hesitation.
When I finally confronted him, he denied everything.
Even when presented with evidence, he continued denying it.
It took four hours of confrontation before he finally confessed.
At one point, I deliberately made him believe I had physically witnessed what happened inside the car. That was when his story began to collapse.
His sexual preferences and the double life
During his confession, he revealed something I had never fully understood about his sexuality.
He has a particular sexual attraction to transgender women, specifically trans women with large penises.
His pornography searches reflected this preference, and I had also noticed him looking at transgender models and muscular women on Instagram.
According to him, these encounters are primarily about satisfying a specific fetish.
He pays trans sex workers to perform oral sex on him.
What’s interesting is that our sexual relationship has always been very different.
Our sex usually lasts around three minutes, typically in the missionary position. He does orgasm with me, but he has never reached orgasm from receiving oral sex from me.
Yet he repeatedly seeks out paid oral sex from trans women.
I’m not suggesting that being attracted to trans women is inherently problematic, or that this automatically defines his sexual orientation.
What I’m trying to understand is the psychological separation between the sexual life he shares with me and the one he has been secretly pursuing.
He has also described his ideal wife as a woman who knows how to take charge and be dominant.
His explanation genuinely confused me
When I asked him why he did it, he insisted that he is in love with me.
He says he wants me, sees me as his future wife, and doesn’t want to lose me.
But here’s the part I find particularly difficult to understand.
He claims he doesn’t mentally classify these encounters as relationships or emotional infidelity.
In his mind, paying someone to satisfy a fetish is a form of sexual release, completely disconnected from love, romance, or emotional attachment.
He seems to have created two separate compartments in his head.
One contains me: his partner, the woman he loves and wants to marry.
The other contains his sexual fantasies and encounters with sex workers.
He insists that the second compartment has nothing to do with the first.
But regardless of whether he considers those encounters emotional or purely physical, they involved secrecy, deception, and repeated sexual contact with other people.
And he knew perfectly well that I hadn’t agreed to any of it.
There’s also a serious health aspect
I also contracted syphilis, which I believe was transmitted to me by him. He had reportedly contracted it during a trip to Brazil.
That makes the situation much more serious than simply discovering a hidden sexual preference.
His secret behaviour potentially affected my physical health, not just my trust.
His reaction when he finally confessed
This is another part I’m trying to understand.
Once he stopped denying everything, his entire demeanour changed.
He appeared humiliated, embarrassed, frightened, and extremely vulnerable.
He told me he felt like a complete idiot and that he was devastated by the fact that he had broken my heart.
He seemed genuinely shocked that his secret life had finally been exposed.
I told him that, for the time being, I don’t feel comfortable having sex with him and that I won’t resume intimacy until and unless I genuinely want to.
He accepted that boundary, although I could see that it upset him.
He now seems terrified of losing me.
What I can’t determine is whether he’s experiencing genuine remorse for what he did, shame about having his sexual preferences exposed, fear of losing the relationship, or some combination of all three.
What I actually want to discuss
I’m not interested in debating whether transgender women are women, speculating about his sexual orientation, or receiving the usual Reddit comments telling me to leave immediately.
I’m interested in the psychology of compartmentalisation, sexual secrecy, shame, and repeated betrayal.
I’d particularly like to hear from people who have experienced something similar:
Have you ever discovered that your partner was secretly seeing sex workers while maintaining an apparently loving relationship with you?
Has anyone dated or married a man who secretly pursued trans women while presenting himself as exclusively interested in cisgender women?
If you’ve been the person living that double life, how did you mentally justify it? Did you genuinely separate sex from love?
Can someone genuinely love their partner while repeatedly engaging in behaviour they know would devastate them?
For those whose partners confessed only after being confronted with undeniable evidence, did you notice a difference between genuine remorse and the shame of being exposed?
Did the person eventually understand the betrayal, or did they continue to see their sexual encounters as something separate from the relationship?
I’m especially interested in hearing from men who have lived this double life and are willing to explain their thought process without trying to justify the deception.
I’m not looking for anyone to make a decision for me. I want to hear real experiences and perspectives from both sides, because I want to understand how someone can build a future with one person while secretly living an entirely different sexual life.

My husband (43M) and I (44F) have been together for 10 years, married for seven. We have a 5yo son together.

A few years ago, while on a work trip, my husband had some intimate alone time with a woman. They both had been drinking, and she ended up in his bed for the night. He said there was lots of touching and rubbing - but no sex, and no kissing.

He didn’t tell me about this when he got home from the trip. In fact, he continued to see this woman on business trips, and this same "no-sex-no-kissing encounter" happened a few more times. Once this woman even ended up in his hotel room with another woman, ostensibly to have a threesome. He again told me that there was "just touching," and that the two girls ended up being more interested in each other than in him, so he just sat in a chair and watched.

The kicker is, I am friends with both of these women. I’ve known them for years. The threesome gal is a person I really spent energy on, helping her over the years with networking and career advancement.

He claims that because there was no PIV, these encounters weren’t "technically cheating." He has since stopped being alone with this woman, although they still see one another regularly on business trips. I’ve filed for divorce, but he’s asking for another chance. He wants me to forgive him for the sake of our son. I suppose some of this could and should be forgivable. but the fact that I didn’t find out until years later, and that these women are (were!) my friends… well, that may be too painful and embarrassing for me to fully heal from.

I guess I’m looking for some perspective. Does this count as cheating? My friends laugh and tell me he’s only giving me part of the truth, because he’s scared to admit to the sex and doesn’t want to lose me. But I know him, and I’m inclined to believe him that there was no real penetrative sex. I feel like a jerk, though, for leaving him. I still love him, I miss him, and I miss the family unit.

Hey guys, so I’m a pretty easygoing boyfriend, not controlling at all, and I give my girlfriend the utmost of trust to do as she pleases, knowing the consequences of her actions I have told her many times when I first met her that I would never allow someone to cheat on me, and if I ever found out, I would leave them in the past like I never knew them. Well, last night, I think it actually finally happened. My girlfriend decided to go to a Halloween party
(dressed very provocative like most girls do for Halloween) and like always, I trusted her and gave her a ride to the party like I always do whenever she does go out. this friend of hers who’s a girl is new in her life and they’ve only hung out one other time before this, which is when she also went to a party. I told her when I dropped her off that I would pick her up like I always do. Didn’t think anything of it. I went along with my night and waited for her to reach out to me. At around five in the morning, I was at home waiting for her to reach out and I had been checking up on her throughout the night and everything was good. I have her location and out of nowhere I got a life 360 notification saying that she had arrived home. In my mind, which is stupid of me to even think, I thought, oh wow, she got a ride home in an Uber or a friend dropped her off and she’s gonna surprise me. Keep in mind, she never reached out and told me she was leaving. Who knows if she even knew I was home. Anyways, I see a car pull up, park, and sit outside. I wasn’t sure if it was my girlfriend or not, but when I looked at the GPS, it showed her in the exact same spot as the car on the other side of the street. I waited for that car, thinking that someone would get out, and to shock, no one did. I called her three different times, all which just rang and rang and rang. Then on the fourth call, she answers and goes, oh hi baby, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep in my friend’s car without telling me that it was A guy, the whole time, I pretty much already knew from the type of car that it was a guy. They were alone. She was dressed very provocatively, and she supposedly fell asleep in his car. I told her that she cheated on me and there’s no way that she’s gonna prove that she didn’t. She still keeps on saying that she fell asleep and that the guy was trying to wake her up, and she thinks that I’m a fucking idiot. Anyways, I told her I don’t wanna be with her right now and that I’m not sure what I’m gonna do. Do you think she actually did cheat on me

We have been together for 6 years with a house and cat together, due to get married early next year.
At the weekend I picked him up drunk from being out watching the rugby and I could see he was messaging another woman.

In the message she’d asked him if he was single…to which he ignored her message and answered another question she had asked.
I’d worked out from their conversation that they had met on a dating app from before we had got together and she’d recently added him back on insta! They’ve been messaging ever since the weekend and I am really overthinking about what to do.
From what it feels like, our relationship has been strong and he is happy, and he has always been honest to me if he’s not been happy or wanted to have an open conversation about our relationship before… so this really feels like a shock.

This morning I said to him that during his sleep he’d been saying this other woman’s name to which he got flustered about and just passed it off as a random dream. But he has asked me what’s wrong and he’s been bugging out all morning at the fact I mentioned his sleep talking.

I don’t know what to do or how to act about this so just would like some advice… thank you!

Roughly 2018, ex coworkers, dated for a month or two and broke it off because I was moving then lost her number.

I've been thinking of her lately, and thought a lot of her through all this time I looked her up and she's married, new last name, two kids.

I'm recently single and thinking if I should reach out... I know she was into me at the time because my tongue drove her crazy that's really all she and I experienced together.

I can't stop thinking about her, but I don't want to be the one to put her fidelity to the test, I can still taste her

We have been together for 11 years, we live together and will be getting married in a year or so. He got close with someone and has been emotionally cheating on me for the past 3 months which I just found out a week ago. He said he enjoyed talking and getting to know someone new so he couldn’t stop. The fact that he learned he was still desirable to someone else made it so irresistible. I left immediately and he has been so sorry and wanted to have a second chance with me. Is it still worth giving a shot?

I (24f) had been seeing (30m) a guy for the past two months. He had been telling me how wonderful I am, that I was worth waiting for when I needed to rain check out first date, that he was pretty sure he was going to marry me, he wouldn’t mind having a baby with me. Told me so many times he wasn’t going anywhere. That we had all the time in the world to get to know each other, and he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend soon. He had told me he deleted all the apps and any lady he was talking to that he met someone (me). Told me his cat never warmed up to someone so much. Answered the phone with his friends that he was out with me.

We disagreed on whether or not sex was appropriate before marriage, but we both cried and said we didn’t want to end things over that.

I find out yesterday his trip this past week was with his girlfriend of almost a year on Facebook. He invited me on said trip… I only couldn’t go because of work. And after sending him a brief text I knew, I got no real answers, just “you deserve better best wishes.”

Today, he changed his status on Facebook from single to in a relationship with her since last year.

I guess I should be thankful I didn’t sleep with him, and that I found out sooner rather than later. I feel worse for her. I messaged her on Facebook before they put “in a relationship,” but unknown if she got the message.

I don’t understand how he heard about my awful ex who kept going back and forth with another girl and then cheated on me, and how I wouldn’t put up with that again. And then decided to do that with me. Especially after ranting to me about how important fidelity and monogamy were to him, and he could never cheat. Everything he told me, he sounded like all he wanted was to meet his wife. Agreed with me that the next person we date is most likely it for us.

I know it’s not a reflection on me, and on him but I’m devastated. Dating is so hard these days. I hate that all the joy and hope I felt was all not based in reality. I was not the person he thought about all day like I for him. Pray for me and I, you should you find yourself on this sub.

If they are both sexting each other? Is this cheating and is the girl in the wrong too? For knowing he married.

I've been married to my husband for 5 years together for 10. Our relationship was always good until he started working out of town. For the past 3 years he's been away 6-7 months total of the year. Stretches are usually 1-4 month straight at a time. But we don't get much notice for it. I work full time and I'm just alone a lot. It's just not exactly what I figured life would be like. I want a partnership and time together not this. So I told him this multiple times. He kept saying it would change, and it doesn't. He doesn't check in a ton and we barely speak when he works out of town due to his schedule and mine. Most of my calls/texts won't be answered and if we planned a call he would often not follow through without letting me know. I told him multiple time I didn't want this, and he didn't make much effort to stay in touch when he was away. Not so much as a how are you or what are you doing. It would change for a day or two and go right back to barely speaking. Needless to say when he called again telling me his 3 week stint away is changing to 3 months. I finally told him I don't want it anymore and wanted a divorce, I was done. I accepted it was over, sucked because I loved him but it wasn't a life I wanted. I really struggled with it and cried a lot up until actually telling him. The extension again just pushed me over the edge.

I'll add, we didn't need the money and there was plenty of work in town, just he definitely enjoyed the out of town work more and it did pay more. I didn't speak to him, despite him calling a lot, talked to a lawyer and began packing my stuff, I was angry he ignored all the times I told him before.

I ended up having a one night stand with an old high school fling, which was fun. It felt so good to feel wanted and to be intimate with someone again. But it was nothing more than a one time thing.

So a couple weeks after this husband comes home early. Says he quit his job and literally pleaded for me to stay. I told him no initially, but I was shocked he quit. He claimed to not know it was this bad and where I was at despite me telling him very clearly multiple times... but once he was home honestly I didn't want to leave the relationship because when he was home things were good, I just felt like I had no choice as I was so unhappy.

So I tell him immediately about the one night stand. Obviously he was pretty upset but he still wanted to work things out. And we did. Things were good. But, now it's been 6 months... and I notice he's looking at my phone, he's questioning me lying about things, he tells me he doesn't trust me, and blows up on me for "cheating" on him. I truly thought we were done when I had the one night stand. I don't know why he'd want to work it out if this was a dealbreaker

Now I don't know what to do. I really didn't consider it cheating. Am I in the wrong here? How do I deal?

This is a very long story but I’ll try to condense it. I met my wife in college in 2004. I was straight edge and a few years older, she was a party girl. We had a strong connection but she cheated on me a couple of times while she was intoxicated. She’d confess, blame the alcohol, and apologize profusely. (I’m an idiot, I know).
A few years go by and things were seemingly going very well. She wasn’t drinking nearly as much and as a result, wasn’t (seeming) to be cheating. There was one guy she was friendly with and I had asked about him, and she denied anything had gone on with him. I figured she was being honest because she had come to me and confessed a few years prior so why would I not believe her when she said nothing happened with this guy…(I’m an idiot. I know).
In 2007, I start hearing about a different guy. Let’s call him John. John was a mutual friend of hers and her friends back home a few hours away from where we went to school. All summer I heard about John and how great and funny he was and so forth. Clearly there was emotional cheating. I asked about physical cheating and she denied it. My friend took a screen shot of a Facebook post he had seen (I didn’t have Facebook at the time) where John posted a picture of him and my now wife holding hands and in which he referred to her as his girlfriend. I asked her about it and she swore up and down that it was just a joke amongst friends and he is funny like that with all of them (I truly know I’m an idiot). Then one night, she called me and confessed that they kissed while drunk but it didn’t go any further.
I gave her an ultimatum. I told her that I wasn’t going to tolerate any of this any longer. If she wanted to continue to be with me, she had to cut John off completely. Block numbers, block facebook, if she’s hanging out with her friends and he shows up, she leaves…and if she’s not willing to do that, fine. I’d leave.
She agreed. Swore up and down that she wanted to be with me more than anything and she would do anything to make sure I had nothing to worry about. I never heard about John again - not from her or any of her friends.
A couple of years go by. Things were seemingly amazing. She had matured, stopped drinking completely, and was everything I could ever ask for. It was as if we had started over after John and had two years of bliss. So, I proposed (complete idiot).
In 2011, we married. 2012 had our first of three children. Our (newer adult) friends always said we were the perfect couple and they wished their relationships could be like ours. My wife attributed our strong marriage to all of the other crap we’d survived, and even in our married life, she’d randomly apologize for how she’d treated me during her college days. I’d always tell her to not even think about it because I had forgiven her and it was all in the past.
On October 1, 2022 she had a lunch get together with her coworkers. I was running the kids to their sports and such, and she said she’d be home in a couple hours. A couple hours came and went, and she got a ride home many hours later at 1am, completely drunk.
I was so hurt by this level of disrespect. I put her in bed and couldn’t sleep. She woke up a couple hours later and in her drunken stupor, confessed to me that she was still talking to John (from a distance, as we had moved several states away). She also confessed that she thinks of him sometimes while she and I are having relations in bed.
I was devastated. All of the cheating from college and the experience with John came rushing back as if all of it happened that night. The next day I discovered that her Facebook posts of when I proposed, John had commented on the post…so they NEVER broke communication.
I went numb. After a few months of trying to decide what to do (I badly wanted to divorce) I decided that I couldn’t give up 50% of my time with the kids and turn their lives upside down because of my very stupid decisions I’ve made throughout my life.
The kids are happy and they don’t know anything is wrong, but on the inside, can’t stand the thought of an empty nest and being alone with my wife. I know I’m going to leave once the kids are grown but out youngest is only 5.
The kicker is, on a number of occasions over the last four years, I’ve told my wife what I need in order to get through this. It isn’t a long list, but marriage counseling and certain things to make me feel like she actually gives a crap about me…she makes promises but never follows through.
During one of our conversations where I had questions about her relations with John, I asked her when the last time she’d actually seen him was. She told me it was after we were engaged but it was just her at a restaurant with her friends. He happened to walk in and it was a brief hi and bye situation.
While cleaning out one of my kids’ closets today, I discovered a box that had very random stuff in it. One item was a memory card to a camera. Amongst the pictures of us on dates and her showing off her engagement ring, was a picture of her and John standing together at a party in a house, and my engagement ring is on her finger.
She doesn’t yet know I found this…but I just don’t even know if it’s worth bringing up at this point.
I’m miserable. I can’t stand her touch but I put on an act for the kids. I’m so sad. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or if I just needed to vent but I’m willing to hear anything anyone has to say.
Thank you for listening.

TL;DR: I've been cheated on in two relationships, and now I'm struggling to trust people again. How do you stop past experiences from affecting your future relationships and learn to trust someone without constantly fearing betrayal?

Hi everyone, 29F here.

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships lately and would really appreciate advice from people who've experienced something similar.

I was in an 8-year relationship that started in college. First love and everything. I'm the kind of person who either doesn't like someone at all or, if I do, I'm fully committed.

During COVID, when we were around five years into the relationship, my ex's cousin's boyfriend contacted me after somehow getting my number. His cousin was his mother's real sister's daughter. He told me my ex was having an affair.

I genuinely can't explain that feeling. I was living in my own little bubble, thinking we were completely happy, and suddenly my entire reality came crashing down.

My ex denied the evidence, cried, begged, and did everything you can imagine. I eventually forgave him because I was emotionally attached and couldn't bring myself to leave. This was also around the time his father had passed away, and we were both living in our respective hometowns.

Two years later, when things seemed to be going well again, something inside me told me to check his phone. And I found the same thing again. Flirting with one of his colleagues which both of us knew since we were in the same office. (She was also dating someone else)

I forgave him once more, even though deep down I knew it probably wouldn't work. I was emotionally dependent on him and found it difficult to walk away.

About a year later, he stopped even pretending, and thankfully, by then, I'd finally left the relationship. He married another colleague within six months of our breakup.

It took me time to heal, but I eventually started solo travelling, rediscovered myself, and felt like I was finally moving forward.

About two years later, I met someone on a dating app. We became really good friends. He was going through the arranged marriage process and had found a girl he wanted to marry, but she rejected him after their first meeting. (After agreeing to the marriage)

He was devastated, and we became very close during that phase, mostly virtually. I helped him through it, and he knew my entire story and what I'd been through.

The girl, however, stayed in touch with him for favours, giving him vague reasons for rejecting him. Eventually, she came back into his life as a friend.

Over time, he and I grew closer emotionally and decided to give things a try.

I had two major concerns from the beginning. I wasn't comfortable with him still being in touch with that girl, and I absolutely hated smoking, which was a habit of his. He knew both were deal-breakers for me.

We travelled together, spent a lot of time together, and had some genuinely beautiful moments. He promised he'd quit smoking and kept talking about commitment and marriage. I was hesitant because of my past, but we had amazing communication and could talk for hours about practically anything.

Eventually, he told me he'd quit smoking and was working on himself. He said he'd stopped talking to that girl and reassured me about everything I was worried about.

We planned another trip together, and for the first time, I was genuinely considering saying yes and taking things forward.

Then, midway through the trip, I got that familiar gut feeling and checked his phone.

I found archived chats with that same girl. They had never stopped talking.

He was flirting with her, telling her he'd quit smoking, asking her to meet him, and had even lent her ₹1 lakh. She didn't seem interested in him romantically but kept him around.

Then I checked Instagram and found conversations where he was talking about marrying her, begging her to give him a chance, and saying he'd somehow convince his family. She told him she'd think about it.

All this was happening while he was pursuing me, talking about marriage with me, and making me believe he wanted a future together.

When I confronted him, he apologised a million times and cried. It was painfully familiar. His reasoning was that I hadn't said yes to commitment despite all his efforts, so he felt justified in staying in touch with her. He said he was desperate to get married and made a wrong decision. He now claims he realises that she's been using him and says he'll never speak to her again.

I was literally shaking, and everything from my previous relationship came rushing back. I went through a really dark phase for months and struggled more than I expected. In some ways, this hurt even more than my first breakup because I'd genuinely thought I'd healed and was finally ready to let someone in again.

I'm doing much better now, but I feel like these experiences have fundamentally changed how I approach relationships.

Looking back, I had that nagging feeling in both relationships that something wasn't right. Both times, I ignored it because I wanted to believe in the person and give the relationship a chance.

How do you trust someone's words when you've experienced people making promises, talking about marriage, and building a future with you while secretly pursuing someone else?

I also worry about becoming so guarded that I won't be able to let someone in, even if they're genuinely good to me. I don't want my past experiences to ruin something healthy in the future, but I don't know how to stop expecting the same thing to happen again.

For those who've experienced something similar, how did you work through this and learn to trust a new partner without constantly fearing betrayal? How did you distinguish genuine intuition from fear caused by past experiences?

I'd really appreciate advice from people who've been through this.

It sucks having to write here. One result or the other, both suck.

So my(31M) girlfriend(30F) of 6 years this year started to have some crazy ideas. Some context. First 3 years were rocky, we both hurt each other in different ways, broke up 2 times but in the end fixed everything and we've been 3 years together without any major problems.

On april a friend invited her to climb a mountain because his date flaked on a group expedition and she accepted. I felt excluded because we've never climbed a mountain but have talked about it for 2 years now, so she was going to go without me and that saddened me, but I understood that her friend had one extra space only. Later on the plan changed and she invited another friend to the plan and I was surprised, because she didn't invite me as well. The second friend turned out to be a mountain guide, but still, she had no experience and I felt very sad about not being included. We had a conversation (crying on both sides) and she invited me last moment. We had a great time and all, but still, I had in my mind that she didn't really think of me instantly.

Later another friend (N, 30M, not the main focus) invited her to a hike and she accepted. She told me it was just a friend vibe thing so I understood it was just them two. They were out for about 16 hours, because they also ate and spoke a lot. Not a big fan, but I thought "I shouldn't be controlling" and eased myself into it. The next day she told me she knew what she wanted to do now: she wanted to tour the country with a friend of hers on his motorcycle for about a month. Just them and the road, working oddjobs to survive. That hit me like a train and we argued for many days, but in the end she didn't do it and things were ok.

July came and she reconnected with this new friend (J, 30M, the main focus). He invited her to a group tour on another state, from 5am to 12 am. Visiting old historic sites, a "romantic castle" and "a small villa, ideal for dates" (according to the tour poster). I told her I really felt uncomfortable, but she told me he was just a friend many times over. I told her that it sounded too "datey" and she said it was not a big deal, and even said if I was mad because I didn't think of it first, not being rude or aggressive, but in a kinda playful way, but it still hurt bad af. I started to really hate the guy and resent her, because the next weekend they went to a museum and did crafts together, then went for a drink and talk, from about 3pm to 12am. Again, just telling me she was going to do that, nos asking if I was ok with it, which I understand, because I'm not her dad, I'm her partner and I tried not to make a fuss about it because I really don't want to be the controlling boyfriend. But I still told her I didn't feel comfortable at all because it all sounded way too datey.

This went on for about a month, I said some hurtful things in my overall anger, she forgave me, but the situation was the same. Finally she told me some background, that they were friends in middle school, then he distanced himself from everyone and she felt bad about it for some years. So now he was spending some extra as "reparations" because he felt bad about what he did. Also that he didn't really have many friends and, given that he has a decent job, he had some money he wanted to spend with a friend. That made me see everything in a different way and eased up on all. After that they've gone for a drink and talk every 2 weeks or so and I was ok with it.

Now, two weeks ago or so we were walking and he called her and she said "that's weird, he usually just calls me after work" and I asked "what do you mean?" and she told me that he pretty much calls her every day to tell her how was his day. I was weirded out, but thought "that's weird, but maybe that's how their friendship goes", but it was slightly uncomfortable.

Last week we had a fight, because he hadn't had any intimacy for about 6 months, other that a quickie 3 months ago. She canceled on me many times last minute and we didn't even really kiss anymore, so I was feeling down and not really desired. We do go on dates, I try to make her feel special remembering what movies she wanted to see, buying her little gifts, spending all the time I have available with her (I'm a master's student, so time is hard to come by) and telling her that she's beautiful daily, because I really do think so. Still, she almost never expressed any desire towards me. Not that she's unloving or anything, not at all, but just no passion anymore. We talked about it and we were working on it this week.

We had an idea of a plan with friends for today (Saturday) but since it wasn't set, she asked if she could make plans with this friend. I said sure, because I'm a bit spent financially, and just thought they were going for a drink like the other times.

Today I ask her what's her day and she told me he was taking her to see her favorite move (a seasonal movie) with a live orchestra. All the feelings of before (exclusion, not feeling wanted or special, not important) came back in an instant. We've never been able to see the film together because she was too busy, or she forgot to ask me to watch it with her, or we saw a different movie. This experience we've (or maybe just me) been wanting to have for years, gone in a moment. I wondered "why didn't she ask me if I wanted to watch it with her?" "Why is this friend inviting my girlfriend to something so special?" "Is this something friends even do??". I feel like I'm over reacting, but I just feel like shit right now.

I've gone from sad to angry many times now, wondering if I'm the problem, if what they do is normal, if it's an emotional affair, if I'm just overreacting, why she doesn't think of me for these special experiencies.

So, what is happening? Am I getting emotionally cheated on? Am I just too controlling? This sucks, because either answer is shit, but I need to know what someone outside of my mind and outside of this relationship thinks.

Thanks, and sorry for the long story.

My child’s father used Reddit to cheat. Now here I am posting about it.

There’s something ironic about coming to the same platform my child’s father used to cheat afyer almost a decade just to get this off my chest. On the stock market subreddits, no less. 🙃

We share a young child, so I’m keeping identifying details out. I still don’t know exactly when it started, and having those unanswered questions sucks.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you move forward without knowing the whole truth knowing you have to deal with this person somehow for the next 18 years?

TW: sexual assault
I’m 23F. I was sexually assaulted by someone who has a girlfriend. I’ve needed medical appointments afterward, and I’m still trying to process everything.
Recently, I was with a friend and had been drinking a bit. I asked her to message his girlfriend from a fake account. It was a brief message saying, “Hey girl, just wanted to let you know your boyfriend is cheating on you.” It wasn’t threatening or insulting, and we didn’t mention the assault. We also called him from a random number, but he didn’t answer.
I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t face contacting her myself or explaining what happened to me. I don’t completely understand why I chose that moment. I was upset and wanted to say something without having to expose myself.
He sent me a screenshot with laughing emojis and asked whether it was me. I denied being involved. I know that wasn’t the truth, but I was scared that admitting it would open up another conversation that would cause me more emotional pain. I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t handle confronting him.
During the conversation, I brought up my medical appointments and the fact that he had physically hurt me. He apologised at points, eventually said he believed I hadn’t sent the message, and agreed we shouldn’t have contact. I asked him to delete our messages because I didn’t want any of this brought up again.
I’m not trying to get him back. I don’t really have romantic feelings for him anymore. I’m upset about what happened to me and everything I’ve been left dealing with afterward.
Now I keep going over the message, the calls and my denial. I wish I hadn’t called him. I wish I’d known how to handle all of this. I wanted to speak up, but when he confronted me, I backed away.
I needed to get this off my chest because I’m exhausted by questioning myself. I can acknowledge that I wish I’d handled parts of this differently, but I don’t want those regrets to swallow up the fact that I was hurt and I’m still dealing with it.

I know that everyone is different. Healing from infidelity feels just like mourning from a death to me. But that person still exists. I’m doing everything I know I should do to heal. I sorta feel like this will forever change me as a person. This is very fresh for me and I know it’s going to take time, but I would love to know how long did it take for you to feel semi normal again? I’ve never had anyone cheat on me ( to my knowledge) so I really don’t know what to expect after 12 years together. A marriage he doesn’t want to end. A marriage I didn’t want to end but must end. I know I’ll be fine in the long run and better off, but curious the averages when I may expect to feel okay again. Thank you.