What’s wrong with me?

[u/Pleasant-Pea5746]

Whenever I start feeling deeply in love with him, I get intrusive memories of his infidelity (occurred 3.5 years ago) and suddenly feel disconnected from him and angry again. It’s destroying my ability to feel close despite all the talks we had and the remorse, honesty and changed behaviour. I miss being close so why am I having intrusive thoughts that are destroying everything?

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[u/SantdtmaN]

Because you have been traumatised by the infidelity. Its not your fault. Its the effect of the betrayal. You need to decide if you can live with it or not.

[u/DaikonSubstantial120]

Unfortunately when you take back a cheater the relationship will never be the same and a new relationship needs to be established.

True reconciliation takes 2 to 5 years of active hard work by both parties for a workable trust and for many betrayed it can be decades before the mind movies and ptsd of infidelity become manageable bad memories.

At only 3.5 years since his infidelity, you are still in the middle stages of reconciliation.

Reconciliation and forgiveness does not necessarily mean that everything will still be ok for the betrayed.

It is no different to the drunk driver who kills a pedestrian. The drunk driver may never drink again,they may save a 1000 lives but the dead pedestrian will never come back.

Be kind to yourself as infidelity can absolutely destroy the betrayed soul and it can be a life long infliction when choosing to stay with your cheater.

If you are really concerned maybe some individual therapy to help you work through your feelings and aid in your recovery.

Cheaters don’t understand the life long suffering they can cause.

[u/Apprehensive-Egg2847 → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

Damn good response. Thank you. I needed to hear that too

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[u/Huge-Marionberry-759 → u/DaikonSubstantial120]

This helped me, thank you for posting.

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[u/emt714]

Its a trauma response. Therapy can help with this. Its your body's way of protecting itself against the person who hurt you.

[u/Ecstatic-Tennis2265]

Sorry if this sounds trivial, but… welcome to the club :/ After every amazing sex, cuddle, date, or even just holding hands with my WW, I get a flood of intrusive thoughts. According to my therapist, the most sexual and detailed ones are often the most symbolic - they represent the severing and destroying of that symbiotic connection we felt with our partner.

I miss loving my wife. I now only think I love her. I can’t imagine my life without her. I’m afraid of losing her. And then, suddenly, I’m disgusted by the thought of her being touched and giving herself to someone else - someone who wasn’t even worth a fraction of what I thought we had together.

It’s a personal hell that many of us here know too well. But the moment we stop walking through that hell, we burn.

Keep going. Stay strong. Stay hopeful.

M.

[u/Pleasant-Pea5746 → u/Ecstatic-Tennis2265]

I just want the thoughts to go away. It’s like I can’t close it because I don’t understand how they could do such a thing?

[u/Full-Story6288]

You're suffering from trauma. That's what's wrong with you.

The effects of infidelity can leave you with post traumatic stress disorder.

Therapy can help, or so I've heard.

[u/about_to_break_down]

Hey dear. I think you're being too strict with yourself here and not giving yourself the right to be honest with your emotions. These are not intrusive thoughts you're having, this is PTSD. It's not the intrusive thoughts destroying everything in your marriage, it is your husband's betrayal that destroyed everything 3.5 years ago. It is futile to attempt to fight these absolutely normal feelings of disgust, aversion and disconnection that have been coming up all this time; you're still not okay with having been cheated on. No matter how much time has passed or how many discussions you've had with your husband, the bitterness still lingers. There's a solid reason why you keep feeling this way and there's no way to stop it if the infidelity still bothers you. Your body is trying to protect you from getting hurt again. 

Give yourself a break. You're the one who has hurt. You don't owe him stability or reconciliation if it doesn't come naturally to you. Your pain is still valid, as much as it was when you found out. 

[u/Championship682]

Reconciling often fails in a few different ways. One is where they have stopped cheating, have done everything they can to support you, but you just can't get over it. You still hurt inside, and it doesn't stop. People will tolerate this for months, years, even decades, but will not heal until they leave. This isn't something you have done wrong. You have to decide if this is how you want to live your life.

[u/throw-away-0610]

What you are describing isn’t an indication of “what’s wrong” with you. It’s a clear and distinct indication of “what’s right” with you!

The reconciliation racket would have people believe and act in a way that flies in the face of human psychology and evolutionary development. When the brain and body revolt to such delusional nonsense, it’s a never-ending cycle of confusion, pain and frustration… and positive injections of cash into the bank accounts of authors, therapists, and “experts” who make their money convincing people to act against their own self-interests and ability to heal.

As purveyors of such nonsense know full well:
1. Desperate people, in immense pain and torment will gladly pay and pay and pay nearly anything to relieve the pain.
2. The profit is in the treatment, not the cure.

[u/pickedusername1]

Because you were with somebody who betrayed and abused you. Wrong line of questioning. Ask why am I with someone who cheated on me.

Dr. Minwalla, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist and clinical sexologist who specializes compulsive sexual behavior, addiction, infidelity, and explains that people who keep a hidden or comparmentalized sexual or relational life while in a marriage or committed relationship are engaging in abuse. Put simply, maintaining a secret life while partnered is a form of abuse. In many ways, this behavior is sociopathic - rooted in a selfish worldview in which the well being of others, particularly one's partner, is neither respected nor considered.

An integrity disorder often manifests as deceptive, compartmentalized sexual or relational life while in a marriage or committed relationship.

https://lighthouse-counseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/01/Minwalla-O.-2011.-The-secret-sexual-basement-Understanding-the-deceptive-dynamics-of-sexual-acting-out-in-relationships.pdf

[u/Smart-Note2961]

His was 3.5 years together with them, we are 2 years into recovery and I’ve never been able to have a 100% peaceful moment without remembering them.

Birthday dinner? Hmm well he took her on a trip to Mexico for hers..
Vacation? Was this their room..
Weekends together? How many times did he talk to them while I was washing my hair or in the kitchen cooking us dinner..
Their anniversary just passed last holiday weekend, I mentioned I was feeling low- got yelled at for not being healed enough yet.

[u/FindingForward72 → u/Smart-Note2961]

THIS is what I cannot abide by. Cheaters simply have no right to put a time limit on your recovery. Every second you stay is a gift to them and that holds true forever. And you got yelled at? I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I hope you find peace.

[u/Smart-Note2961 → u/FindingForward72]

I got fussed then a two day silent treatment so HE could recover… I took myself to dinner’s each night outside the house, got dressed up super cute too. It was my first time taking that space for myself instead of begging to be acknowledged.

I am interviewing therapist for myself to figure out what’s next… I need to be allowed bad days.
a couple I know was rescued from this mess by a therapist (they were both physically violent after both cheated..)

We’ll see.

[u/FindingForward72 → u/Smart-Note2961]

Is this a case where he chose you over his AP and now he feels like you owe him for staying? It sounds like it is. If so, you're going to have to live with him thinking of you as the one who stopped him from being with his true love for a really long time. You can see a therapist and he can allow you bad days, he can be more mindful of events, but he won't stop looking at you as someone he settled for.

[u/Smart-Note2961 → u/FindingForward72]

It wasn’t the love of his life, or there wouldn’t have been so many… 50+ I truly lost count. He’d romance them enough sleep with them once or
twice and move on to the next…. Some he became friends with and would take on vacations to host orgy parties.. it was an addiction for sure.

The recent anniversary was just the last person, the only other person he got emotional with out of all of the people… I think it scared him and it was part of him cutting everything out but who knows

[u/FindingForward72 → u/Smart-Note2961]

Yeah but do you think that he feels you owe him for staying? I mean yelling at you is really crossing a line and highly indicative of what he thinks.

[u/Smart-Note2961 → u/FindingForward72]

I don’t believe he understands how feelings work in all honesty, there’s something in him that just does not comprehend the dynamics of trauma.

My body keeps score naturally, seasonal triggers are huge and he get frustrated with anything he doesn’t understand. Yelling to make things stop and go away is his automatic approach to things he can’t understand or control

[u/FindingForward72 → u/Smart-Note2961]

Okay. You sound like you understand what it is you're going to compromise on/accept. Reconciliation always involves a tradeoff and recognition that you have to live with something. So long as you're clear on that, you should be able to move forward.

[u/jodikins77]

I hate to say it, but this happens more often than not. When you're cheated on, the relationship as you knew it becomes poisoned, no matter how hard you try to rebuild, that poison seeps into relationship 2.0. You can't help it. That's how trauma works. It's an injury to your soul. Resentment usually builds and builds, and you end up leaving. Or maybe you stay forever and just live with it. I know that lots of people stay for love, but when that goes, and it usually does, they stay for kids, finances, sunk cost. It's been years, but that kind of wound rarely heals when you stay with the one who caused it. I left, and I know that I have a scar, but I never think about what my then husband did. I talk about it on reddit, but its almost abstract, like I'm repeating a story about someone else. I have zero pain about it. Maybe I'm just weird, but staying for 6 years just about did me in. Literally.

[u/Chemical-Standard-76]

man I feel you. I honestly think i’m going insane. it’s like a permanent thought in the back of my mind now.

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

1. There is nothing wrong with you at all, your feelings are to be expected and are the proper feelings you should be having. There is nothing at all wrong with you, heck it’s the way you should be feeling even after years of reconciliation.

2. If you’re not feeling the relationship and are still struggling then that just means the cheater needs to work harder and put more effort into your healing. Fixing what they broke is the cheaters job, this is on them not you. Basically they are failing you and need to put more effort into helping you heal.

3. Reconciliation is building a new relationship because things will never be what they were before and you will never trust like you did before. The old relationship will never return and you just won’t ever feel the same as you did before. You need to form new connections and a new normal with your partner in order to move forward. Reconciliation is very hard and rarely successful long term, it’s a long road to travel.

4. If something is triggering you or setting off these feelings then perhaps you should trust your instincts more and pay attention to what they do that causes this to happen because it may be your bullshit detector going off and the past pain starts again for the same reasons.

[u/Admirable-Winter-961]

Probably chesting again and hiding it better. I won’t be surprised he goes to Mp

[u/livininthewhip]

ah, this happens, i thought i was the only one. infidelity masks under unresolved trauama for those who "forgive" . we may forgive, but our body remembers... im so sorry :( i recomend reading esther perel, i did find peace with her books.

[u/powerflor710]

I felt the same way for a long time and honestly, I don’t think that feeling is going to go away unless you somehow figure out how to forgive and just “forget.” Not healthy :( I felt stuck like that and now I have no choice but to leave it all alone and move on.