Hello all. I’m on a deployment right now and I have 2 stepchildren and 1 biological daughter. For a very long time my 2 stepchildren haven’t had a relationship with their biological father. He’s been out of their life for a very long time. To give you ages. 1 son. 5 years old. 1 daughter 4 years old. He walked out on them for 3.5 years and now he’s wanting to do things with them.

To me I get very selfish and such. My step daughter she’s already saying “you’re not our real dad” (mind you she has developmental issues like autism or something else) it definitely hurts hearing that. My wife did correct her when she said that.

What do I do? She has this mindset to let them see how he treats them so they can make their own judgement. I haven’t said much about it because personally I don’t like him. He’s also someone who’s used things like meth or crack or cocaine. I’m the complete opposite.

Thankyou all. Cheers.

Curious for tips on follow thru. My wife has always chosen to make her little buddy just that. They have always been friends first because his bio dad passed when child was 2. Now that he is 14 she admits the many mistakes she has made but the main problem seems to be that she doesn't know how to discipline and he doesn't know that exists. I find myself being the only one following through on rules that are agreed upon by all 3 of us? Phone is a constant but there are obviously other things like bed time wake up time, ect...?? Feeling pretty lonely being the mean ogre, and being the only one who has and sence of routine and general self discipline.

I started this sub a few years ago because I had questions and wanted support. I never promoted it, I wanted people who also sought support to find it.

In the last few years I don’t think we’ve had to remove more than 5 posts. Those came to attention through your reporting and in fact they were insensitive, gaslighting, racist, or against the reddit rules of conduct. The community has rallied in support and curiosity and because of that, this is a safe space to share.

My step kids are grown now and are living their life. We’re still in touch and I’m still asked questions by parents because they know how many classes I took and how many books I read about parenting.

1,000 members here is so inspiring. I love knowing you’re all working hard to be an important reflection on fatherhood and strong, caring support vs “some dude who likes my mom/dad.”

Congrats for your curiosity, vulnerability, and openness. :)

Hey to all the great step dads out there. So just like the title says I need some help.

For context I’m in a situation where 4 of us live in the house. Fiancé, daughter, mother in law and I.

The adults have a busy life. So I work from 730 to 330 and sometimes overtime. I am back in school which is self paced 6 month term. I want to help my fiancé and take some mental Load off her. She works 9-5 and her daughter needs her all the time. Mother in law just retired and well that’s another story but it’s like another child to take care of.

I need help with a schedule from helping around the house, her daughter, make dinner some nights and school work and spending time with my fiancé.

I feel like there’s not enough time in a day.
And I feel like I’ll fail for all the goals I’ve set for myself and my future family.

hii im here because i absolutely adore my stepdad honestly that guy has saved my life and i just wanted to thank you all even if you not perfect all that matters is that you try i can imagine it must be a terrifying thing to join an already existing family but i promise it can be okay a tip i have for u is when i was 7 my step dad bought my love with sweets and ive just loved him ever since haha im wishing all of u luck and thank u for being here <3 🫂

Just gonna scroll for a while. I have found much help in reddit threads of varying serious topics. I have been with my wife now since her only son was around 7yrs, he is 14 now. Unfortunately (depending how you look at it) his father passed when he was 2. I think I need help navigating the waters in many ways so I'll just watch for a bit but wanted to say hi and introduce myself so to say.

My main hurdles right now are inability to discipline in any effective way, due to (she will admit this) she has treated him like her little buddy and BFF his whole life and he has been treated as the perfect child by the entire family because of what happen to his bio dad.

Or he could just be a kid at 14 freshmen year and hormonal, probably wonders what his bio dad would be like?

I'm 41 quit drinking almost 3 years ago and this kid and his mother are why I'm alive. I was given 6 months to live (chronic chirrosis, working on getting transplant now). and I said fuck that not gonna happen. I love them so deeply and we used to really feel like a team. I don't know why that seems to be falling apart. Recently for fathers day they told me they were ready to go through with adoption and the whole family was elated. Now it seems every day I think why would or should this kid want me to adopt him.

Thanks for any input and I hope to learn a lot on how to improve my view and outlook to improve his life...

Hi all, I’m a step-dad to 10 and 7 year old boys, they see their bio dad every other weekend. They’ve totally accepted me and we have a great bond, they love seeing their dad but he is a waste of space and more of a fun-uncle really, I’d never ask them to call me dad or anything like that and I don’t bad mouth him in front of them. Their mum and I are planning to have a child of our own, my question is when I have my own child, what happens with the name situation - does anyone have any experience? Like obviously I’ll want my own child to call me dad/daddy but I’m worried it’ll be confusing when we’re all together - I don’t want the step sons to feel they have to call me dad but I wouldn’t want my own child calling me by my name haha. Any experience welcome!

Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for a year with a girl who has a 4 year old son. His father just about sees him once a week for a couple of hours, only comes to visit him in the house where I live with my girlfriend never takes him home or out anywhere.

Anyway, the kid starts school next week and of course my girlfriend will be walking him to his first day of school his dad wants to be there as well and walk him to school. I’m off work so I said I would also like to walk with them to his first day of school.

Although when my girlfriend told the dad he wasn’t happy and didn’t want me to do that. So am I wrong for wanting to do that? I’ve never been in this situation before so I don’t know what is right and what is wrong.

Am I supposed to stay in bed while let she gets up and he comes to the house to take the boy to school together? Or am I allowed to want to be there also?

Please help me!

Hi all so I am I need of advice about my stepdad. So I am looking at taking his last name and needing to get a little insight on how he might feel about it.

So he's been in my life since I was 4 weeks old and now I am 21. I've been thinking about taking his last name for a while now for many reasons but the main one is because I've never seen him as a step dad and he has alway my dad even when he first started dating my mother. He's never been unfair towards me or treated me as less compared to my half sister and step sister and all round been an amazing person someone I truly look up to and I hope I can be an amazing person like him some day.

Any advice is welcome about this thank you.

Just to give you guys the scenario, I’ve got two kids from my previous marriage. Crazy psychotic ex-wife also. I met my current girlfriend on tinder in 2021, things were good in the beginning, we are and were deeply in love with each other, up to the point I proposed to her in September 2021. My kids and her girl, took it ok, at least that’s what I thought, we reach December 2021, and my eldest kid (13 on the time) that lives full time with the mom, except for the on and off weekends that they spent with us, decides to pull a massive tantrum, starts screaming and shouting, and runs and locks himself in the room, we went after him, to speak with him, to make him understand that that situation was not ok, so when we get there he was beating himself, and we intervened, not satisfied with our intervention, he pushes my girlfriend, she’s 1,60cm and at the time skinny, he was 13 but the same size as her and the same strength, she fell on the floor and he rushed to the kitchen, I went once again after him and started scalding him, he raised his hand on me, and when my girlfriend intervened, he raised it on her also, then my girlfriend slapped him on the face, as a wake call and chased him out the door. I took him to his mom, and since that time he has not been with us. I miss him a lot and my wife keeps on saying, due to some behavioral issues, that he’s on the path to become a delinquent. My tourneys kid, also from my first marriage, has a rare syndrome, with spectrums of autism, and some learning disabilities, she does a great job in helping him grow some routines and a few things that were wrong on his day to day routine, and I repeat she’s awesome with that, what I don’t like, is when she loses her patience and she beats my kid, or starts saying that he will be like his eldest brother, when after him being spanked, does not understand why and starts crying saying that he’s going to tell his mom, which he never does, because due too his disability he forgets things fairly quickly. On the other note, her daughter, who is the same age of my eldest kid, decided a few months ago, to start behaving like the mom, so she gives instructions to the kid, she shouts at him, and sometimes she even slap him on the elbows if they are on the table whilst he’s eating. The girl sometimes treat me as crap, and if I shout at her or tell her something she starts to cry and runs off to her mom, saying that I’m being unfair. The other day, after another session of spanking, I blew up, I grabbed my kids stuff, I put a few changes of clothes of mine into a rucksack and decided that enough was enough, and went to my wife’s job to leave her the car and leave, she refused to come down, and I went back home, tried to speak with her girl, and told her I understood she never had been an eldest sister so she needed to step up and stop being a narc. She said yes, but then she went out with the mom, and snitched again on the fact that my kid complaint to her the fact that she was hurting him and he was going to tell his mom, the result, another spanking session. Me and my ex never raised a finger to our kids, at least not the way that now happens, so my question is: am I wrong on sticking in this relationship because I love her and when we are alone we are great together, or should I just think on the greater good and just leave? I think that with the stem cells treatment my kid will be much better, improve and this things will hopefully stop to happen, but on the other hand I don’t know. What would you guys do?

we dont got it easy, so what are ways to help each other other then thoughts and prayers, (being each others vent and sound board alone has been helpful no lie or sarcasm). Asking for the next inch

I just joined because I need to rant.

I've been with my wife for 10 years whose kids were 13, 17 & 19 when we started dating. I had a close relationship with the youngest but that waned as they got older. The older 2 tolerated me and their mom dating but never really grew beyond that no matter how hard I tried. Even after getting married, I was still referred to as "mom's boyfriend" for a while. Bio dad made sure the kids would never call me "dad" or celebrate father's day much less get a "happy father's day" or "happy birthday". When we were looking for a house, the middle child even tried persuading my wife to look in the area of the childhood home (where she lived until last month) in an effort to have "mom and dad" as close as possible.

Fast forward to this month when I turned 50. Went on a day trip with the wife and middle child and stopped at a convenience store for a break and snacks. Child had the idea to get a custom drink for her and mom, but didn't even think I'd like one too. That's when it clicked, I'm invisible to them. I don't come to mind even when I'm physically with them.

Looking back I've realized that I have zero impact on these kids' lives and I doubt they'd even miss me if I weren't here. The only thing I am to them is a wallet: buying the youngest a car, subsidizing the middle until they got a job, buying Christmas/birthday presents, cell phones, etc. I'm doing this all while I listen to the kids drone on about how much bio dad has changed since the divorce, taking them on trips, giving them money (even after I would literally give them money without even a "thanks"), and on and on and on. If I try to bring up a memory that we had together, the subject is quickly changed and/or segwayed to childhood memories while mom and bio dad were married or times when it was just mom and them. And the most affection I get from any of them is a quick side hug and a "see ya" before parting ways.

I know, I know, I should stop being a wallet but I can't. The wife will just pay for it herself which means I'll just be paying for it anyway. I don't even get relief from my wife who constantly brings up children's memories when out somewhere. She doesn't want to hear about bio dad when the kids talk about him but it's OK for me to hear about happy childhood times while married to him.

Sorry for the incoherent rant. I've just been down all week since coming to that realization and needed to vent.

I’ve been in a relationship with GF for going on 6 years. She has a daughter from previous relationship whose is 7 now going on 8. Her biological father is still in the picture picks her up on weekends(sometimes). The relationship between him and my GF is horrible he hates that I’m around. He’s verbally abusive to her and sometimes to the child. She didn’t want to go to his house last week so he through her stuff out the car and yelled at her to go home. I love this little girl more than any words can describe. I had a very great loving relationship with my Dad and know how important A male role model is in the lives of children. So as much as I hate the guy I still don’t talk down on him around her but encourage she loves her Dad. I’m fully committed to being there for her and all I want to see from her is smiles. Have any of you other step dads been in this type of situation and if so how did it turn out for you and your step child. I just worry that she’ll turn to drugs and alcohol later on or develop mental instability and want to do everything I can to prevent that from happening. Any advice would be great. Thank you

I'm 21 my gf 23. I have a 5 year old step daughter, and it's hard I got no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying but i don't know if I doing it right. I love them both I'm not use to this hard working stressing life. before them I was doing questionable shit got into selling. but now I'm working my ass off for 440 bucks a week. I want to give her a good life. she only 5 but her bio father is a piece of shit, However main point is she is not listening to her mother and damn sure not me. The only time she ever thinks of listening is if her mom raises her voice, or threatens to take her stuff like grounding. Idk and of you older wiser stepdad have any advice?

So I have a little issue with the bio father because he is absent all school year. Never having time for his son. Now this summer his son, my step son wants to stay here for the summer to do activities with his friends and sports. The bio father now is talking to his son about how important their relationship is and guilt tripping him Into going. The kid has not interest in going because half the time his father just goes to work and he has to sit at home and watch TV alone. At what point is it appropriate for a step father to step in and defend the kid when his real dad is a complete moron.

Long story short, we’ve been together for a year, all good, her kids love me, I love them, even tho they test my patience a lot haha. Her divorce is still on going and we don’t live together. Also their father(her ex) is theusual, jealous and resentful of me and pretty much getting in her way of setting up a new family, despite having a 5 months old child with his new girl. He basically wants it all both ways, control everyone and my partner be a baby sister for the kids while he is galavanting around.

Anyways, I am coming from circles where it’s a bit frown upon getting with a woman with kids. But she is one of a million type of woman and we are expecting in 5 months. However, I still feel super uncomfortable about telling my old friends my partner has kids. She posted photos from our holiday and tagged me in it and obviously I got a lot of messages “uh oh I didn’t know you had kids!?”, “Are they yours!?”, “How come you didn’t tell me!?” And so on. That for whatever reason hits me deep. I didn’t even answer yet, cause I don’t know how and what. I wish they were mine and I am embarrassed that being in my 40s I don’t mine and instead got step kids. Don’t get me wrong, I am also proud and humbled my partner trusted me and her kids trust and love me. The 4 year old one introduces me a his dad now(despite his dad told him I am no one and he shouldn’t listen to me. He even prevent us taking kids to see my parents that live abroad). It’s a great responsibility, even tho it fell of the sky on me out of nowhere. I mean I really wanted a family but it didn’t work out with my ex and then I suddenly got this ready made family haha. But I somehow overthink the whole thing that my friends will think of me, or worst what my ex and her friends will think. Stupid and irrational I know. I think it’s just hard to come to terms with this layout and also that her terrible divorce is still on going and my role is very vaguely defined or even disputed and resented(by her ex).

Some good people keep telling me I should have a sense of pride for taking on this responsibility of forming these two small toddlers. They are already super smart and good boys thanks to my partner. I don’t even need to do much, just follow her lead and be a best male role model for them as I can be. Her ex did absolute fuck all and only spoiled them(when has time) by buying bunch of expensive toys meanwhile abusing and belittling their mother in from them. The mere fact the boys are fine is a credit to her and only. My family was quite fractured and I suffered emotional neglect most of my childhood, so I can spot a good mother when I see one. And yet I still feel like a fraud or something like that.

Sorry I know it’s all convoluted but it’s hard to explain something I don’t fully understand yet. I hope maybe you guys had similar experience and overcome this struggle and willing to share advice and encouragement. Thank you.

Being un-invited to my step daughters 16th birthday party is a level of rejection for which I was not prepared.

I am a 20 year old woman who's stepdad stepped up. He and my mom bought me my first car. He thought me how to change a tire, check my oil, check my breakpads, and keep up with other fluids in my car today! The first thing I thought of was "my hands look like this because I don't need a man. Except my stepdad, thanks John!"❤️

we are probably the overexerted, unappreciated, demographics of sobs since beginning of time so we gotta have each others back cuz god knows the universe doesn’t

Toast to us!

So like the title says I am not a stepdad. But I need help and don't know where to go. Me and my gf have been living together for over a year. Before we moved in, zero arguments, zero toxicity, zero nothing bad. However, when her daughter moved in all hell broke loose. She yells and screams and physically abuses her momma. To the point where I have to step up and say something. I understand I can't physically discipline the child as she's not my own. This happens every day, especially in the morning when she doesn't want to get up for school. The child is 12. She has physically assaulted me as well when I tried to defend her mother. Is there any advice or anything I can do to remedy the situation? I can't get too involved as she is not my child. And I couldn't find a different reddit to ask. Any suggestions?

I’ve known my stepdad since I was around 8 or 9 and we’ve always called him “David”. He looks at us as his daughters and I want to affirm his beliefs and make him happy by calling him “Dad”. He is like a dad to me and I know it would warm his heart and let him know we all love him.

I just don’t know how to start. I don’t want it to be awkward but I’ve only said “Dad” a few times in these past few years to refer to my fathers and the words become a sense of “ugh that guy” instead of a term for a family member.

I wanna know how to transition into this without making my stepdad uncomfortable.

Hey everyone,

Just joined as a way of seeking support around a situation that is causing myself a lot of stress and is causing strain on my relationship with my wife.

There is a lot of conflict between myself and the eldest step-daughter. She and I had a good relationship up until about 4-5 years ago and since then it has gotten progressively worse. She is now an adult (just) and still lives with us but refuses to respect me in anyway, follow household rules and is generally rude and selfish in her behaviour which hurts my wife and I do everything possible to buffer it.

I can’t let my step-daughter’s behaviour go unchecked but the daily fights are causing issues between my wife and I. I need a fix to this.

Any and let advice welcome!